Showing posts with label Married With Children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Married With Children. Show all posts

1.15.2026

6 Snack Ideas From MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN

I'm not a picky eater - I'll try just about anything. I also hate wasting food, so even if I don't like it I'll hold out to the bitter end. This also means I effortlessly take my chances with stuff from around the kitchen that's well passed its expiration date. So, taking all this into consideration it should come as no surprise that the parade of gross food punchlines that popped up throughout the entire Married... With Children TV series only ever seemed interesting (and sometimes appealing) to me. Here are six that I have the least shame about my willingness to eat. 

- Paul 


Toothpaste sandwich
(Season 3, episode 13)

Just as Al is about to "eat and fight cavities" he pauses to reflect on a memory of his mother once telling him that one day he could be The President of the United States - a position of prestige that's a stark contrast to the uncultured cuisine that is a swirl of toothpaste between two pieces of white bread. I do like Junior Mints - how far off can this be? 


Mom's Mystery Pack
(Season 6, episode 19)

We're made aware of it in one of the previous seasons, but here we get to see it in action when Anthrax (as in the band) are just Metal enough to consume the consumable that Al wouldn't even touch. It's basically a creamy paste wrapped in tin foil that may or may not be alive (it moves and bites) and defies the laws of nature ("If it came outta the fridge why's it hot?"). It's notable (probably only to me) that no one ever says it tastes bad. 


Fried M&M
(Season 5, episode 18)

This is easily the least challenging food in terms of edibility -- in fact I defy anyone to turn their noses up at this concept: Al heats a singular Peanut M&M over the stove, making the peanut inside "all warm and toasty". Though despite his humility ("Oh Lord, bless this M&M, and the mighty cockroach I slain in battle to get it") Peg carelessly steals it off his plate and eats it. 


Waist-Away Diet Shakes
(Season 9, episode 14)

First of all, what a great name for a weight loss drink! It comes in a variety of flavors but according to Kelly even the mainstream ones aren't great (she mistakes "Cherry" for "Cowpie"), but it's a downward spiral from there, following with "Kiwi", "Cabbage", "Salmon", and a flavor so vile that she can't even utter the words, but instead vomits. I've gone to extremes to lose weight, I don't think I'd mind some cabbage sludge. 


Beer on bread
(Season 4, episode 4)

Al has a toothache, so to avoid eating solid food or drinking cold liquids, he saturates a slice of bread with beer. Definitely not a combo I'd actively seek out (the weight watcher in me can't conceive of that many carbs at once) but a yeast-on-yeast concoction really isn't that crazy. It actually sounds kinda hearty in a wholesome way. 


Leftovers from Town Cafe
(Season 7, episode 8)

Kelly gets a job as a waitress and has apparently been coerced by Al and Bud to bring home the table scraps left behind by the restaurant's patrons. They gleefully end up with greasy bags full of half-eaten hamburgers, mashed potatoes wth cigarette butts in them, and curly fries that may or may not be deep fried mouse parts. Either way it all looks good to me. 

8.11.2025

Dog Day '92

The time on the cable box reads 9:37. That feels too early, I hate waking up when there's three numbers on the clock instead of four. What day is it? It's either Wednesday or Thursday. Even on vacation the weekdays all feel the same and I spend them looking forward to the weekend so I can get back to Ronny's house and keep working on A Link to the Past. The goal is to beat it by the end of summer and August is starting to give me the Sunday Night Blues. We've already rescued the Seven Sages and we have no idea how many levels are left, but between swimming in the pool and vacations in Maine and all the new Nickelodeon shows on Saturday nights, we might not get there before school starts. 


But now I'm up, and I go downstairs where Mom's in the parlor with Donahue on the TV and Teika on the couch next to her, but she's not really watching it, she's more into the TV Guide crossword at the moment so I can put on whatever I want. First place I go is channel 13 - Nickelodeon. David the Gnome is on. Man, I haven't watched this since Kindergarten, and I watched the hell out of it back then, but looking at it now it feels like such a baby show compared to Ren & Stimpy. I check WNDS because I know it's time for back-to-back Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, but it's a black & white Bewitched so I keep flipping. I go to channel 23, VH1, because there's always a good chance they're playing Queen stuff - especially since Wayne's World came out in February, and even more now that it just came out on tape. Sure enough, they're playing the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert again. It's cool, but I'd rather see old music videos and documentaries with the whole band. But I leave this on while I eat my Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and wait for George Michael to sing "Somebody to Love". That's the best part. 


It's sunny out. It's hot but it's early so there's lots of shade from the trees. There's nothing really to do outside except maybe ride my bike to Bennett Store, which I've done twice already this week so I have to find a way to ask for more money. At this rate there's no way I'm gonna get the complete set of the Batman Returns cards, but I'm still gonna try to get a pack every chance I get. I also need to replace my pouch of Big League Chew that's all melted together. Really though, the main reason I wanna go to the store is to buy more Coke in glass bottles, which is not a secret to Mom. I'm sure I've already spent close to $10 this week just on those bottles, but you have to understand, I've waited my whole life for this - an entire 9½ years wishing I could drink soda out of those beautiful, old-fashioned bottles like they do in the movies. I've been filling my empties with Coke from the plastic 2 liter in the fridge but it's obviously not the same - the excitement of prying the bottle cap, the sweat dripping down the curves, even the taste is different. Mom gets it, kinda, and she's been very generous so far but she keeps reminding me that she's not gonna give money every day for this. But I ask anyways -- actually, I ask if I can go get a ham & cheese grinder, and those are $2.25, so if she has a five dollar bill she'll most likely let me have the whole thing. Also this way she doesn't have to make me lunch. She knows this, and so she gives me a ten(!), but wants five back. I have to make this count.


I decide to walk to the store. Every time I ride my bike I feel nervous about leaving it outside and so I feel rushed. I can't rush today, I have exactly $5 to spend and I need to figure out the math (but I'm sure a couple extra quarters will be ok). It's not quite noon yet, and it takes only three minutes to walk there (two if I cut through the trees behind Bennett School) but I'm already sweating by the time I get to the store. Even the giant wooden screen door doesn't let enough fresh air into the place to be comfortable. Thankfully I'm the only customer in this tiny space but it's still humid and smells like potato salad. I walk over to the the tall deli counter and ignore the pile of wrapped sandwiches behind the glass because mine has to be specially made. "Ham and cheese grinder with just mayo. That's it!" The lady knows this, but I know if I don't ask specifically then they will mess it up - I hate picking off tiny little strings of lettuce. While it's being made I go into the walk-in cooler to get what I really came for. I let the door close behind me and just spend some time letting the frosty air cool my sweat. It's like a neat clubhouse in here - dim lighting, surrounded by Apple Slice and Crystal Pepsi, protected by a giant door that looks like a bank vault. And just then the old guy who works here opens the door and sees me standing there. "Nice and cool in here, huh?!" He's not mad, but I grab my single 8 oz glass bottle of Coca-Cola and head back out into the store. This should leave me with $1.50 (I think). The reason my Big League Chew melted was probably because I got bored with it - I need something new. Fruit Stripe? Cinn-a-Burst? Bubble Tape is basically Big League Chew in a different shape so that's out. Bart's really got me into Butterfingers lately but I got a whole bag of fun size ones at home. Everything else here is dumb; bubblegum cigar, Tootsie Pop, plastic army men with plastic parachutes... oh man, the Batman Returns cards are sold out?! Who else in this neighborhood is buying these except for me? Obviously I don't want these Ninja Turtles III or Star Trek Next Generation packs, and I'm not alone because there's a million of them left. I can't waste this extra money but I'm not excited about any of this stuff -- except for the Coke... Right! I'll get another bottle! That way I don't have to figure out another excuse tomorrow to come back here. A second bottle makes good financial sense. 


I get back with my grinder, my two Cokes, and Mom's change. I explain my decision to her about the extra soda and she says "okay" in a "that's fine" kinda way. I feel so rich having two unopened bottles! I couldn't imagine what it's like having a whole six pack - I'd probably never open them and just display them somewhere so I could look at them all the time. But I have no problem opening these - half the fun is drinking out of them. I open one with the fridge magnet bottle opener and take my ham & cheese and get set up in the parlor and try to find something on TV - hopefully a movie. I check HBO... Mannequin 2: On the Move. I hate Mannequin 2 - why don't they play part one anymore? Next I go to Cinemax... Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach - this one will definitely do. I don't know why I like watching it, none of the jokes are even funny and a lot of the acting is really annoying, but all the beach and pool stuff really feels like Summertime. I can't explain why that makes a difference to me but it does. I only watch enough to finish my sandwich and soda, and that gives me 30 minutes of Nintendo time before Mom watches All My Children at 1:00. It's not like I'm trying to beat something, I've been playing Gremlins 2 with the Game Genie and I've been using the "Infinite Lives" code and the "Don't Take Damage" code (though I guess I don't really need both). I haven't made it all the way through yet but knowing I can't die makes it feel like I've already beaten it. Still, I wanna see the Mohawk Spider Gremlin at the end. 


All My Children comes on. I haven't been into it as much since we found out it was Janet who murdered Will. All the other stories in the show just haven't been as cool. I still sorta half watch, but I'm paying more attention to finishing my Batman Returns comic book. Since I can't go back to the movies every day, I'm trying to draw the movie scenes on paper like a comic book. I've had to do it in two volumes because I couldn't staple that many pages together, but that gave me an excuse to make a whole second cover. But I'm almost done - I'm getting to the part where Batman drives the water skier through the sewer to get The Penguin, but first he has to put on all the pieces of his costume. 


I keep seeing commercials for a new Batman cartoon! It's weird to actually look forward to something in September, but this show kind of looks like the movies - they even use the Danny Elfman music (I hope they actually use it in the show and not just the commercials). But now All My Children is over and the TV is mine again. I flip around a bit and I find more Bewitched but I'm not in the mood - that's more of a morning show. Heathcliff is on Nickelodeon but I'm so tired of it, I think I've seen every episode twice. I go to Prevue Guide on channel 41, just to make it easier, but I also like watching it - mostly for the movie previews they play all day. Looks like there's mostly nothing on right now, but I'm still waiting for the scroll to get to channel 45 to see if anything good will be on HBO in the next hour... Yes! Naked Gun 2½ is on at 2:35! I guess I could watch Heathcliff till then but I'm having a much better time watching commercials for Soapdish and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves over and over again. 


3:00 rolls around. This is about the time I'd usually be getting home from school so out of habit I have to check the other channels just to see if something better is on. The Disney Afternoon just started on channel 38 which means DuckTales just started, and it's a really good one: it's the one where Gyro invents a kinda stopwatch that freezes time and then the Beagle Boys steal it and use it to take all the money out of Scrooge's money bin. Honestly if I had an invention like that I'd probably steal stuff too - all the tapes from Strawberries, all the action figures from Toy Works, and all the baseball cards from Hall of Fame. Well, maybe not all - just enough so that nobody gets in trouble. I stop daydreaming and suddenly it's 3:30 and Chip 'n Dale is starting. I stay for the theme song because it's awesome, but I flip around before the show starts because it's boring and I find Merrie Melodies on channel 39. It's one of those old musical ones with characters I don't even know. So I check Nickelodeon and it's Looney Tunes -- I never knew what the difference was between this and Merrie Melodies. But today Looney Tunes is a Coyote and Roadrunner episode so I stick with it. 


By 4 I've completely forgotten about Naked Gun and now I make my daily choice between Tiny Toons on channel 39 and Beetlejuice on 25. I go to Tiny Toons first because I've been watching that pretty much every day. I end up staying there, sitting through every Creepy Crawler and Super Soaker commercial until Ninja Turtles starts at 4:30. It's the one where Irma turns into a giant. I like Irma but she's so annoying in this episode. Whatever, it's the only good thing on right now and Dad will be home soon so I only have the TV for a little bit longer. Usually I'd get to watch the Mario Super Show at 5 and Saved by the Bell at 5:30 because Oprah was on channel 5 for that whole hour and nobody watches that, but now both parents keep checking all the other news channels for "election updates". Voting is still like three months away, I don't get why we have to watch stuff about it now


Dad has coffee and writes in his journal, which means I get to finish Mario and start watching Saved by the Bell - it's one of the ones where they all work at the Malibu Sands Beach Resort. These episodes are weird, I miss Mr. Belding. It's 20 minutes till supper and I ask Dad if we can go hit the ball down at Bennett Field. We've been doing that a lot this summer, ever since A League of Their Own came out last month. He says there's not enough time but we can play catch in the backyard "for a few". The sun's already going going down earlier than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still hot, and bright enough to see the ball through the shadows of the trees. In case for some reason I can't sleep over Ronny's this weekend I ask if maybe we can go to the movies on Saturday. There's nothing really exciting coming out but if we do end up going we agree that Stay Tuned looks kinda funny. 


We come in and Dad watches about 5 minutes of Peter Jennings before the rigatoni is on the dining room table. Teika sits at my feet during supper, quietly and patiently waiting for any kind of food. I know not to give him garlic bread because that turns into a night of stinky farts, so I slip him buttered pasta. I try to be quiet about it but he chews so friggin' loud that we can't keep it a secret. No one's mad, Mom's just pretend mad. The same way I'm pretend mad that she didn't make any brownies. Or that I have to take a bath - which I guess is ok, I can't even remember what day I took my last one. So after supper I take the world's fastest bath and only miss the first 10 minutes of the first episode of Married... With Children, but I get to see all of the second episode at 7:30 which is great because it's the two-parter where they go to the gold mine and I like the second part more. And then Married... With Children goes right into The Simpsons at 8. It's the softball episode which is cool because it has all my favorite baseball players, but I'm tired of repeats all summer long and I have to wait more than a month for the new Simpsons season to start. 


Mom's still in the dining room doing bills at 8:30 when Superman comes on Nick at Nite. This show makes me laugh, it's so stupid. It's weird people used to think it was cool when it was new (but I don't think Superman's cool anyway). By 9 Mom's on the couch and it's time for Get Smart. It's like the opposite of Superman - it's cool that old shows could be this funny on purpose. The same goes for Dick Van Dyke which is on at 9:30. I'd say it's definitely my favorite right now - it's the one where Rob and Laura are at a hotel and Laura gets her foot stuck in the bathtub and Rob draws a mustache on his face in permanent marker. I guess the only bad thing about Dick Van Dyke is that when it's over that means it's time for bed. Although bedtime actually means two episodes of All in the Family on WNDS. After Al Kaprielian's weather report, the first episode is when Archie accidentally gives George a fake $20 bill. I never knew that some money could actually be fake - I'm gonna start reading every word on every bill I see from now on. 


The second one is when Mike is about to graduate from college and then doesn't. I wouldn't say I'm wicked tired but I am sorta closing my eyes during the commercials and even a little bit during the show - I'm starting to hear the laugh track more than the jokes. At 11 I check VH1 once more for Queen stuff, but it's Standup Spotlight instead. The volume's too low to hear what the comedian is saying, or maybe it's because I missed the beginning of the joke, but I can't understand anything that's going on. Maybe I actually am tired. I guess I should start trying to fall asleep earlier, I'm gonna have to start getting up early again in a couple weeks. I really hope Fourth Grade is way better than Third, but more than that I'll miss getting up late. I'll miss going to the store any time I want. I'll miss playing hours of Tetris and Mario 3 before lunch. I'll miss being with Mom. And I'll definitely miss a lotta TV shows. 

- Paul

7.12.2025

10 Wacky Vehicles

In compiling a list of 10 Cool Cars I managed to think of a ton of not-quite-cars -- like so many that they needed to go somewhere; I've made it my job to justify the existence of such things, and so now I bring you a list of the more abstract idea that is "vehicles". Let the wackiness commence. 

- Paul


Ecto-2
The Real Ghostbusters

It made more sense than trying to navigate Manhattan traffic in a giant car when you're attempting to bust free floating apparitions. I called it a helicopter but I guess technically it's an "autogyro". This one presents a weird situation: I can't remember if I had the toy or I just remember the kids in the commercial playing with it. Either way I had a great time. 


The Cart of Death
Married... With Children

A shopping cart refurbished by Al as a means to win the Foodie's One Millionth Customer Shopping Spree. Apart from looking like Super Mario's Bullet Bill, it featured several "antipersonnel" gadgets like shooting arrows and spring-loaded boxing gloves. As much as I love things that are secretly weapons, the big draw is really the Bullet Bill comparison. 


Dracula's Coach
Bram Stoker's Dracula

For an endlessly spooky movie this just may be one of the scariest bits. Nevermind the weird ghost horses pulling you towards what is ultimately Hell on Earth, but that crumbling cliff ride is no joke. Oh and the demonic Coachman (also played by Gary Oldman) gave me a nightmare when I was 9 that I still remember. 


Trimaxion Drone Ship
Flight of the Navigator

Were this a ranked list of Coolest Spaceships, this would probably place first. As a child I was a sucker for shiny things and that attitude hasn't really waned, so while it may be able to change shape, travel through space and time, and talk like Pee-wee, I'm really just here for the sexy silver curves. 


Transport Module
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I love cozy compact conveyances - stuff that's only big enough for me and maybe a friend and some snacks. Claustrophobia doesn't kick in when there's a forward momentum - especially one strong enough to bust through the Earth's crust. 


Neptune 2000
Get a Life

In an episode of this short-lived show from the early 90s, Chris Elliot sends away for a DIY submarine called The Neptune 2000. Twenty years later it arrives in the mail, and after assembling it he and his father merely sit in it, in the bathtub, and become trapped. Even still, I find it cozy. 


The Golden Condor
The Mysterious Cities of Gold

There were three things that kept me coming back to this show: the abstract promise that there will be gold, the truly epic theme song, and this giant fucking bird/plane thing that's intimidating enough to scare away foes and allies alike. 


The Wonkavator
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

He had many concoctions and contraptions and modes of transportation (all with the prefix "Wonka") but this is the one that literally breaks away from the surrealistic dread of the factory and leaves us on the highest note. Really, though, I just wanna press that awesome-looking button. 


Queen's Flying Car
"Radio Ga Ga"

In the music video for their 1984 single, the band sorta kinda superimposes themselves into scenes from Fritz Lang's Metropolis, portions of which depict them flying over the titular city in a futuristic sports car steered with a microphone. Judging by its homemade look and how it glides I always felt as though it'd handle like a really pleasant amusement park ride. 


Arwing
Star Fox

Back in '93 the big selling point of this game was that it contained the Super FX Graphics Chip. Not really sure what that did but it certainly was a neat looking game - particularly the fighter planes flown by Fox McCloud and his crew; honestly these sleek silvery angles only ever made me think of Flight of the Navigator, so clearly I'm a slave to my preferred aesthetics. 

7.18.2022

We're Going On A Treasure Hunt!

Have you ever stumbled across a pile of gold coins - maybe with some jewelry and precious stones mixed in for color accents? How about genie lamps or crowns & scepters? Magic cups or fancy swords? I never see any of this stuff outside of fiction -- worse still, I've never even seen a map to find the stuff, which is a whole level of foreplay I'd totally be down to participate in. Alas, my lifelong quest of obtaining any of these riches for myself looks pretty grim - which will always make me want them more. Throughout my life (more accurately throughout my youth) images of sparkly valuables were one of my reasons for living, and while I've still yet to swim in a pool of U.S. currency like Scrooge McDuck, I can always revisit these prizes via whatever medium they live in - because unfortunately that's where they'll stay. 

- Paul


Romancing the Stone


I'd known diamonds, and I'd known rubies, but this flick gave me all kindsa new funny feelings about emeralds. For a title character, it doesn't get nearly enough screen time. 


Married... With Children
"Route 666"


The Bundys and the D'Arcys are duped into buying a fool's goldmine. I totally didn't care that it was fake - I just wanted the shiny rocks. 


Looney Tunes
"Golden Yeggs"


Cartoon eggs are a thing of beauty - the shape and shading and soft smooth texture is almost more appealing than real life. Add that perfect shade of yellow/orange and some sparkle animation and I'd hold a gun to Daffy's head too.


Help!


I'm something of a ring-wearer myself, but I couldn't pull this off as well as one Richard Starkey could. Which is too bad - I just want the opportunity to stare at it all day. 


The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past


This whole goddamn franchise is about treasure chests full of polished trinkets, but the Moon Pearl - a pristine magical orb of immense power - is my choice for the most elusive, the most rewarding, and the most attractive. 


A Fish Called Wanda


When I was quite young, this movie was a Comedy second, but it was a heist movie first; all I wanted was a handgun with a silencer, a crossbow, and some tissue paper full of diamonds. 


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer 


A lotta great music in this TV special, but "Silver and Gold" was like my anthem. The lyrics reference Christmas decor, but the squirrels are playing with honest-to-god solid gold - so that's what the song's really about. 


The Three Stooges
"Cash and Carry"


The boys believe they've discovered a literal goldmine - which actually ends up being a U.S. Treasury. Even in black and white, the sleek gold bars were something I had to have.


DuckTales


Between the comic books and this Disney Afternoon series, wherever Uncle Scrooge was, there was sure to be a bounty of exotic cartoon booty. But my money goes to the "Lucky Dime" - largely because I could actually get my hands on physical dimes and pretend they were, in fact, lucky.


The Goonies


The whole point of the movie (for me) is the pirate treasure - and it's some of the best treasure put on film this side of the Sierra Madre. But the real money shot will always be that handful of glistening jewels that ultimately saves The Goon Docks. 


Fireball Island


This Milton Bradley board game launched in 1986 came with an exciting ad campaign featuring a big budget TV commercial that was better than most Cannon films. In it, they efficiently depict the simple objective of the game: dodging "fireballs" long enough to obtain the "treasure" - a plastic red jewel.


Upon seeing the commercial, I asked my mother to buy me the game. Her response was somewhere along the lines of "Absolutely not. I know why you want this thing, and I'm not spending a fortune on a tiny friggin' piece of plastic." She was never easily fooled. 

10.06.2021

MY FAVORITE EPISODES part three


We should just make this a Halloween series... It's been roughly a year since the previous installment when Jess listed her favorite spooky shows, and I've been consumed with jealousy ever since. So now, here we are.

There's been no shortage of "Horror series" over the decades, but I always found it more exciting when the mainstream shows decided to get weird for a minute. Plenty of series were bold enough to have at least one "Halloween episode" (Roseanne certainly comes to mind), but once in a while, the laughter and love could get scary for no discernible reason other than the writers wanted to get creative. I liked when that happened, and so you're gonna hear about it.

- Paul


Saved by the Bell
"Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind" (season 2)

Maybe the most overplayed episode of the series - but as a fan I didn't care. Actually, I was delighted; the entire premise (Screech is mistaken for an extraterrestrial by a U.S. government official) is rooted in makeup effects and rubber masks, and I was (and still am) all about that. And as much as I love that expensive-looking alien mask, I still wanna get my hands on one of those cheapo Kmart Dustin Diamond disguises.

Punky Brewster
"The Perils of Punky (Parts 1 & 2)" (season 2)

If you watched the series, you still remember what an assault this episode was on your expectations; anyone who saw it never forgot it. Punky gets separated from the group in a haunted cave, and they all periodically return to her in freakish, grotesque styles of their normal selves. It's got poltergeists, possession, body horror, and everything else kids love. The series already had a dark, melancholy tone, so when they hurled this at us, it demanded that we take it seriously. 

The Ren & Stimpy Show
"Haunted House" (season 2)

Their drifter lifestyle finds the dog & cat team at a spooky old house, and they verbally agree that it seems like a good place "to kill twelve minutes." The bulk of the short is from the point of view of a mild-mannered (though arrogant) ghost who prides himself in his scare tactics. Of course, Ren & Stimpy are too dumb (or smart?) to fall for the traditional (and some wildly untraditional) haunted house tropes; my favorite (in a scene inexplicably cut from the DVD release) being a sequence in which the Bloody Head Fairy flies in to collect its aptly-named bounty and leaves to U.S. dimes in Ren's ear (resultng in the only time in the episode when either title character displays true terror).

Married... With Children
"Damn Bundys" (season 11)

This is a good time to point out that this particular list is certainly not my favorite episodes from each of these respective series, but rather notable moments of television that fit in with this time of year. Case in point: this final season farce that finds the Bundys and the D'Arcys in Hell after Al makes a deal with the devil (Robert Englund) was only slightly better than the quality of the content they were squeezing out of this last year of the show. All that aside, even though this aired in 1997, watching Al Bundy and Freddy Krueger try to out-ham each other is crossing the streams of the 1980s in a not bad way.

The Critic
"Miserable" (season 1)

The series was about making fun of movies - that's why it spoke to me, it came out at just the right time. Typically most episodes would have an original story with satirical references to films here & there, but this particular episode is almost entirely a parody of Misery (specifically the movie version). So much so that I needn't describe the premise - you already know it. But like its creative parents (The Simpsons) the inventiveness and the humor came through in the gags more than the premise - like funny newspaper headlines or a well-timed fart joke.

2.13.2021

EROTIQUE :: I still like to play games


 I don't sleep much. The school system (which bled into the workforce) dictated that I get up earlier than I'd like, and I have a legitimate fear that I'll miss something once my head hits the pillow at night.

As a child, my bedtime was the same as my parents': once the credits rolled on the last primetime show of the night, we hit the lights & went our separate ways. Thing of it is: once I discovered that Premium Channels like HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime spent the entire day saving all the breasts for after 11:45pm, I began to design my own schedule; Prevue Guide became my daily (or nightly) planner, and TV Guide became my calendar. My "secret stash" was live for the world to see, and it was consistent. So consistent, in fact, that once I was able to determine which movies and programs were my favorites, I was able to grab a blank tape and plan accordingly. And within some period of time, I'd employed half a dozen 6-hour Maxells and TDKs to hold an extensive library of Softcore Cinema - enough to start my own Adult station. And it was through this practice that I almost-unintentionally became an authority on low budget 90s smut.


You see, the only way to guarantee a glance at the strong sexual content was to experience the entire film from beginning to end. In doing so, one can't help but watch the movie and follow the plot (which typically had as much ample padding as its lead actresses). And the reason these stories usually seem so tedious is because, at their core, these are really solid and engrossing ideas -- at least within the parameters of the genre. Most of these movies were extensively sexy on a cerebral level... but when we're 13, we still jerk off manually, and a sparse script-to-screen depends a lot on the talents of the cast & crew.
And sometimes, it worked...

During this time (the mid 1990s), a lot of notable features made their way directly to video, and then retired to cable - where I anxiously awaited. Some may call them "punchlines" or engage in some snickering self-deprecation about "memory lane," but I've never been so bold as to mock or demonize any zone of artistic labor based solely on its subject matter, time period, or mode of distribution. A bad movie is an unmemorable movie, and personally, I remember very well the likes of Lap Dancing (1995), Masseuse (1996), Play Time (1995), To the Limit (1995), Scorned (1993), Desert Passion (1993), and, of course, I Like to Play Games (1995).


I don't know of any polls or statistics, but I've always felt that this was the most well-known one in the genre - the Sgt. Pepper of 'Skinemax,' the Coca-Cola of cable carnality. I think it's the lyrical, longwinded title -- even if you've never seen it, you don't forget a name like that. And if you have seen it, it's memorable for a mountain of reasons - and at the summit is Lisa Boyle.


This was the first thing I'd ever seen her in -- and then, within what seemed like a matter of months, her immediately-recognizable appearance kept appearing in the mainstream, particularly but intermittently on Married... With Children as Kelly's friend, Fawn (as in "Fawn, Fawn, let's get it on"). Granted, her most prominent character trait on that show was that she was attractive, but it also allowed her to be funny, which, by my standard, I'd consider it to be her best role. Her aggressively sensual face and trim physique were exploited to their full extent in Lost Highway (so she's got Lynch on her resume), but an even more substantial moment was her small part in The Nutty Professor: one of the highest-grossing movies of 1996, in which Eddie Murphy himself stands her up in front of a crowded restaurant to demonstrate what the perfect woman looks like. 



The world saw that, and a star should've been born. It was not to be...

But let's not gloss over I Like to Play Games: a leading role for Lisa in which she gets to play a femme fatale of sorts, which allows her to laugh maniacally and throw Kubrickian death-stares from time to time.


Actually, this is a good time to describe the plot:

Michael (Ken Steadman) becomes romantically entangled with new coworker Suzanne (Lisa Boyle). Suzanne is into roleplaying and spends every waking moment playing the part in whatever "game" she's created. It's the responsibility of her lover (currently Michael) to try & keep up and not break the rules. Initially, Michael loves his new adventurous lifestyle almost as much as he loves Suzanne, but as jealousy and possessiveness set in and the games spiral deeper into depravity, reality begins to crumble and everyone gets hurt. 

There are two things I wanna mention that I think are important (or important to me). One is that the climax and end credits of the movie are cut to a 90s karaoke version of "Live and Let Die," which, possibly inadvertently, elevates it from a tepid booby movie to an abstract arthouse picture. (You really have to see it to get what I'm talking about.) I also bring it up to offer my own sense of credence in a genre best known as "Porno Music" - a phrase that in and of itself is thought of as a joke to describe generic disco or smooth sax. But we (as in you & me) know better, and at least we'll have each other when we die on that hill. 


And the second thing I wanna talk about is Stanley Kubrick. (C'mon, you weren't expecting that.) If you've read enough film criticism that's focused on the man's career (and there's a lot), one theme you'll continually come across is the impression that his films - all of them - were direct commentaries (or even parodies) of their own respective genre: War, Science Fiction, Horror -- you get the idea. And ever since the first time I saw it, I've always upheld the notion that Eyes Wide Shut was Stanley doing Cinemax After Dark. Not just because it's a grownup movie with sex stuff -- Erotic Thriller is its own thing. But EWS is a lot more (and less) than that; all subliminal imagery and controversial interpretations aside, the whole film is blissfully simple and stupidly broad, with lush cinematography and long dialogue scenes. But all with a sense of humor.

There's no mistake: I can and will use this exact descriptive jargon verbatim to describe Games, as well as all the others.


These movies have a visceral, identifiable mood that's put in place with lighting, music, film (or video) stock, and pacing; the way a Slasher movie is a constellation of "kill scenes" connected by talky filler, and then we rate the whole movie based largely on the effectiveness of the kills. A movie like I Like to Play Games can and should be experienced by this same measure. Character development and exposition usually take place in the bland, overexposed daytime, but come nightfall, the whole vibe turns into a lava lamp of color & movement: scenes are lit by candles and fishtanks, the set design is made of silk and velvet, and the bass determines the rhythm of the action. These sequences are why the movie was made, they're the reason the audience watches, and they're the reason to talk about it a quarter century later.


I've looked at it now with fresh eyes -- and by "fresh" I mean "aged." The dirty parts are obviously very tame to an adult, so it allows one to watch it a bit more objectively. The cheapness of the sets, the time-specific fashions, and the gratuitous compositions feel magnified when you're not just waiting to see a nipple, but that's really only when you stop to think about these things. I've seen plenty of softcore stuff that felt plotless or convoluted, but Games truly earns whatever weird recognition it has as a good "one of these movies." It was just the Made-for-TV version of a mainstream genre that had been going strong for roughly 10 years at that point: Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, Disclosure (and other Michael Douglas movies) all tackled this same theme -- sex as a dangerous endeavor, particularly for men. I'm sure film historians blame this trend on AIDS awareness (at one point, Suzanne asks Michael if he has a "safe" - apparently a slang for condom, and one I've never heard), but as a kid, I took this movie and all those other movies as parables on self control, and how not to be an asshole. 

- Paul

P.S. We don't like reposting videos, but I'm much better at expressing my feelings via that particular medium - much more than the preceding, meandering crap.