Showing posts with label Tales From the Crypt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tales From the Crypt. Show all posts

6.23.2026

8 Lame Rap Songs from Movies and TV

As a rule, I try to stay away from compiling lists of stuff I don't like - it literally takes the fun out of the activity itself (and it's just bad for the soul). But, if we can find something that we can all hate on together, then it should create a nice sense of "community". Having said that, I'm banking on the prospect that all y'alls loathe these campy anthems as much as I. 

By the late 1980s there was obviously nothing new about the idea of the "Theme Song". From Dr. Zhivago to Love Story to Shaft to Footloose, a song that was literally about the subject matter could sometimes blend into that very subject matter - occasionally with a quiet dignity ("Moon River") or sometimes entirely absent of dignity ("Ghostbusters"). And then, at some point, I get the sense that Studio Executives in suits finally said, "The kids don't like Burt Bacharach anymore, they like The Rap Music!" I have no proof that this declaration was actually made but I can totally see something like this printed as a memo on Warner Bros. stationery. 

I'm not here today to talk about Do the Right Thing or Deep Cover or even Ghostbusters II (y'know it) but about the times when a rap song managed to minimize or even ruin the content, the reputations of the performers, and even the genre itself. 

Go ninja. 

- Paul


"City of Crime" Tom Hanks & Dan Aykroyd
Dragnet

It's weird that it didn't seem entirely dumb at the time -- that's possibly because the movie is equally dumb. Almost unbearably so. I love the 80s Tom Hanks Comedy Era but there were some major duds, and it's a miracle and a blessing that this movie got shackled with the rap song when it could have just as easily been The Money Pit or The 'Burbs

Sample lyrics:
It's a new sensation
We go down to the station
You're going to answer some questions
And have some refreshments


"Ace is in The House" Tone Lōc
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

One of those scenarios where it was like, "We already got Tone here, let's have him do a song." Technically this should've been a lot better, like maybe even a memorable hit, but to put it plainly: the song is just awful. Surprisingly, some (very sparse) interjections from Ace himself just makes the whole thing worse. Don't worry, ma'am, I'll find your pussy... CAT that is! There's no way Jim ad libbed that, it's beneath even this film. 

Sample lyrics:
If Ace is in the house, so must be Lōc
Blowin' up like a cloud of smoke
Checkin' all of his bitches at home
But I'm the dog with the biggest bone (woof)


"Maniac Cop Rap" Yeshwua Barnes & Brian B. Dub Wood
Maniac Cop 2

I was never a Maniac Cop fan. I find it equal parts dull and silly with a lotta squandered potential. Maniac Cop 2, on the other hand, utilizes that potential nearly to its fullest, making it as dark and mean as it should've been... And then we end with the rap song. To be fair (and probably perpetuating stereotypes) the "urban" landscape of the movie does lend itself to "street music" in the most pedantic way, but having the storybook version of a zombie policeman's antics sung to us does a disservice to both extremes. 

Sample lyrics:
He's homicidal and maladjusted
But when he busts in, your ass is busted


"Are You Ready For Freddy" The Fat Boys
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

I generally like all things Freddy, no matter how zany and far removed from the "child murderer" angle we get. I'm cool with the Dokken song, and I adore the Freddy's Greatest Hits album that has Robert England singing "Wooly Bully". I even like the Fresh Prince "Nightmare on My Street" song - because it has the right tone. Dream Master might be one of the more colorful entires, but this otherwise flawless soundtrack is marred by this tomfoolery that would feel even too dumb in Freddy's Dead

Sample lyric:
With a hat like a vagabond, standing like a flasher
It's Mr. Big Time, Freddy Krueger, dream crasher


"Ninja Rap" Vanilla Ice
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

I don't hate the song. I don't hate the lyrics. Hell, I don't really hate Vanilla Ice. I mostly just hate that it played such a precious part in the movie. This whole film teeters on the edge of obnoxiousness, and it's at this climactic moment that it slips and falls right in it, and then the Turtles would forever be synonymous with the incredibly brief era when we all fell for one Rob Van Winkle. (As if the Turtles weren't already dated enough on their own.)

Sample lyrics:
Rockin' the crowd the way it should be rocked
With the Miami drop that you like a lot
You know it's hittin' like a Ninja Turtle
When the bass kicks in you better check your level


"The Crypt Jam" The Crypt Keeper
Tales From the Crypt

It wasn't actually on the show, but it did appear on its soundtrack in 1992 - though I can't imagine why. Here's the thing: the accompanying music video is a wondrous spectacle of puppetry and lighting and booty dancers, all with the goriest scenes from the series cut in here and there. As a song, without visual aid, it's 3+ minutes of John Kassir's punny giggling set to a really irritating hook -- it feels like an hour. (There are actually remixes that stretch it out even longer.) Whenever this comes up on my Halloween playlist, I'm inclined to 'skip'. 

Sample lyrics:
The Crypt Keeper's in the house with a groove that's nasty and mean
Like the effects of a guillotine


"Conehead Love" Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Nan Schaefer
Coneheads

Danny Aykroyd at it again, bustin' rhymes with another monotone in-character delivery. I think we've all finally arrived at the simple truth that this is a fine film, but I feel like it's stuff like this that might've had us on the fence for a few years (or decades). Despite having its own wildly over-the-top music video, I feel like the song was pushed to the bottom of the end credits as a way of saying "Listen to this or don't, it really isn't a part this movie." 

Sample lyrics:
I'll never understand this planet
The way these humans love to ram it
I much prefer the senso-rings
And all the timeless joy they bring


"Addams Family (Whoomp!)" Tag Team
Addams Family Values

At best, I can forgive the "Addams Groove" from the first film - MC Hammer was inescapable at the moment anyways, and besides, I think the whole thing was meant to be satirical (or it felt that way at least). But in this case? Unless it was included to literally poke fun at the first movie's use of a rap song, this is a travesty that, it my mind, scars the whole film; for me, they're (sadly) inseparable. If these movies absolutely needed to have an original song (they didn't) then I would've rolled the dice on maybe some Horror Punk band to assume the role. If they were going for irony, it definitely didn't land twice

Sample lyrics:
Whoomp! Family, whoa
Whoomp! Family, whoa
Whoomp! Family, whoa
The Addams Family

1.28.2025

'95 With A Vengeance


Well it's 1995... again(?). That's right, I'm revisiting the revisit, rollin' with the homies, to infinity and beyond, etc. etc. Five years ago I explored Hollywood's bleak apocalyptic premonitions of what the future would be and how that outlook dominated 1995; no kidding, more than a dozen mainstream movies predicted disease, war, crime, totalitarianism, artificial intelligence, and the resurrection of a murderous cult leader. 25 years later - as in 2020 - it all seemed painfully pertinent. And now we find ourselves in the Fifth Anniversary of that tumultuously pivotal year and suddenly the concept of chronology appears less relative and more urgent; I began 2025 in the throes of Covid-19 as The United States approaches the threshold of an overproduced reboot. Time is a flat circle. 


Last time I took a look at '95 I proclaimed that there weren't enough good movies that year to compile a list. I didn't actually research that thoroughly, that's just a general reflection of that year that I always carry with me; the truth is that 1995, for me, was mired in shortcomings and disappointments, and some of that was rooted in the movies. There were a lotta good films, great films even, but for some reason the extra serving of clunky schlock persistently stands out to me. For the otherwise edgy 1990s it felt like there was a lotta safe, overblown camp that seemed more in line with the worst shades of the 1980s; adding to my aforementioned list of Science Fiction Films, stuff like Congo, Species, Bad Boys, and Showgirls really provide a general sense of '95 Cinema. But more than anything, the movie that mostly threw off my equilibrium was Batman Forever


At 12 years old, a more cynical and less intelligent person would suggest that I was simply too old for Batman, that I'd outgrown it, but what actually happened was that the franchise had regressed, severely; Joel Schumacher's goofy Action Comedy was a grave disappointment in my Tim Burton brain, and it's quite possible that this early bruise is when I began to lose touch with the "Blockbuster". I've seen it since, old as I am now, and it comes with a strong fragrance of nostalgia for sure, but after 30 years of many more movies in my mind, many more Batmen on the roster, and much more personal wisdom, it still remains laughably inept in my eyes. Though I still maintain the opinion that Jim did as much for The Riddler as Jack did for The Joker - and appropriately so, Jim Carrey seemed to be the most powerful person in the universe at that exact moment, but in hindsight I find him to be the only reason to ever revisit this particular movie. 


There was a lotta Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the air too. And suddenly Antonio Banderas was in like a million things. Jane Austen had replaced John Grisham as bankable source material. NBC dominated the dial with Friends, ER, Seinfeld, Caroline in the City, and Frasier. Meanwhile most of my TV time went to Absolutely Fabulous, Mystery Science Theater, and Flying Circus reruns on Comedy Central. Top 40 radio was aggressively soulful, with all the biggest hits coming from All-4-One, Vanessa Williams, Simply Red, and, of course, Seal. Even bands like Soul Asylum and Smashing Pumpkins got noticeably softer for a second. I've professed in the past that I find the 1990s to be my least favorite decade of pop music, and it all sorta circles around the scummy drain of this midpoint of the decade. But like I said the last time I roamed these dark halls, I was a depressed, overweight 12-year-old and my only friend was a dog that I had to put to sleep that April; this wasn't the year for me to go out chasing waterfalls, and I feel like a stronger lineup at the box office would've been therapeutic. But by the end of the year I had a new dog. I'd discovered The Beatles and Quentin Tarantino. If I were to be sentenced into an awkward, lonesome puberty then I was going to fashion it into a tolerable (or maybe even enjoyable) experience. A band from the 1960s and a movie from 1994 ended up defining my best experiences of 1995, because in all honesty that's the reward for being alive during any specific period of time: I'm not fully defined by whatever the headlines or Nielsen Ratings or weekend grosses of some calendar year turn out to be - if anything I use popular culture to better orient my own memories to determine when and where and how I was. There are entire social media accounts built exclusively on the attitude of "only 90s kids know" and then show a picture of a Power Ranger; we can read about what the public was into, but to have lived it, breathed it, smelled it, is an open invitation - an assignment - for all living witnesses to tell us what it was like. 

Having said that, I probably spent most of it watching TV.


So yeah, there were actually a lotta good movies in 1995 - and truth be told I probably saw many of them on Home Video in 1996, which is another good excuse as to why this year felt so dry. But quality aside, there was one heckuva quantity - as in, I personally saw a lot of what they were putting out, at least in the mainstream, so at the end of the day, I have some pretty positive things to say about a shit ton of movies -- like, enough to celebrate the 30th Anniversary properly with a complete Top 30. It almost feels unfair to my many omissions from stronger years, but diving this deep into a cursed year may just be a cathartic experience for me. And for you hopefully it'll stir some nostalgia that's less polluted than my own. Too much television watchin' got me chasin' dreams. 

- Paul


1. Se7en
Or Seven as it was called then. I (probably like a lotta viewers) was surprised by its skillfulness; Cop and Killer Movies felt pretty dry and derivative by this time and so to be gifted something with such patience and panache (and savagery) felt particularly exciting. But now we know it was no fluke - it spawned a million imitators (and a title sequence that's still the standard 30 years later) but clearly this film (and its filmmakers) remains in a class on its own. I was already in full Kevin Spacey mode when I first saw it, so his appearance at the start of the final act was a bigger surprise to me then anything they'd written into the movie. 

2. Casino
I went into it in the headspace of "Diet Goodfellas". After a couple viewings it was easy to shake that mistake and digest it as the violent Rock Opera that it is. I still find this era to be Scorsese's peak as a visual artist, and so this epic of cards and dice and slot machines and neon lights and blueberry muffins and beatings proved to be fertile ground for gorgeous photography, transcendent editing, and a tremendous soundtrack.

3. Toy Story
This wasn't much of a surprise; it was the first Disney (or Disney adjacent) feature that I didn't see by accident - though my expectations of a pioneering, candy-colored kids' adventure ended up being surpassed by its pace, originality, and humor. I've loved the entire series but this one still remains my favorite.

4. Heat
A shortage of the glitzy energy found in other Michael Mann movies always prevented this from climbing too high for me, but the mood that prevails in even the more stagnant moments is constantly working on levels we're not even aware of. But clearly my standards are still high - currently the Crime genre (or any kinda movie) doesn't approach this caliber anymore (not even from Mann). 

5. Die Hard With A Vengeance
It was different for a Die Hard movie, it was different for an Action movie; apart from its traditional "realtime" structure, its nonstop pace in a sunny daytime city is an elaborate and expensive standard set by Speed the year before. And by that standard it outdoes the first two installments (in some ways, let's not get crazy).

6. Tommy Boy
This was a casual Saturday matinee for me but I incidentally witnessed a certified classic (as was the 1990s). Though one of the more troubling subcategories that gained momentum this decade was the SNL adaptation - so it usually felt fresh when cast members could pull off a picture that wasn't chained to some 7-minute live sketch; following the John Hughes footprints this movie pulls it off wonderfully. 

7. Forget Paris
My RomCom experience is mostly confined to a narrow period of time - mostly 80s and 90s - but like any genre from any era there are some that rise above the rest. Labeling aside this is a tremendous Comedy with a great cast and a unique narrative structure that makes it more compelling than it needs to be. 

8. Tales From the Hood
90s Horror still keepin' it weird with this entry that probably belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of that very specific brand -- certainly Top 4 Anthology Horror Movies. Around this age I found that "scary movies" always ended up being sillier or duller than I had been led to believe; this movie was advertised as being a bit of a lark, and ended up being darker and better crafted than most other movies that year - obviously, it made the Top 10. 

9. The Usual Suspects
For a lotta folks this movie is: a surprise ending, and not much else. Not for me, I taped it off of Pay-Per-View and watched it every day for months. Throughout the 90s there were a ton of these pulpy Crime Thrillers, and for as many as I consumed this one ranks pretty high. Also makes a good case as to why the roles of Editor and Music Composer should be filled by the same person.

10. 12 Monkeys
Of all the dystopian downers from this year (or actually any year) this one towers above them as the saddest, the scariest, the best-made, and the most original. When Gilliam actually took something seriously, that's when the absurdity played best. At the credit roll I'm still left with the same dazed feeling I had when I left the theater the first time. 

11. Crimson Tide
The last great Tony Scott flick - where the style and the substance reached crazy heights without hitting the ceiling; a supposed rewrite by Quentin, kaleidoscopic cinematography by Dariusz Wolski, and two of the greatest actors of all time (leading an equally dynamic supporting cast) make this my favorite in the submarine subgenre. 

12. Home For the Holidays
Speaking of stellar ensemble casts... More nuanced and less structured than the advertising had us believe (though the final act limps along) it's a casual character study that's never too heavy but never obnoxiously lite - which is an accurate depiction of the Holiday Season. 

13. Apollo 13
I went into it with The Right Stuff as the standard (which is probably unfair - to any movie) but at the end of the day (or three decades) it's too fun and bubbly and exciting to place it in any kinda low regard. (Though this is one of the first times I truly felt a disgust for computer animation.) 

14. Nixon
Biopics gonna Biopic - but an Oliver Stone Biopic has the potential to be batshit crazy, and it is (just like its subject matter) but its brilliance is in how well it balances its paranoid schizophrenia with the button-down formalities (again, like the subject matter).

15. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
I'm what you would call a Steven Seagal connoisseur (at least from his Warner Bros. days) and so while many of his vehicles may appear indiscernible to a less refined palette, I can assure those philistines that this is an absolutely worthy sequel in tone and structure and is nearly on par with the original. 

16. Castle Freak
Director Stuart Gordon was mostly knows for Horror Comedy -- that is very much not the vibe of this Full Moon Feature that pretty much plays it straight. So when it inevitably veers into terror and gore it's no laughing matter. One of the few movies that makes my skin crawl a bit. 

17. Lord of Illusions
For the entirety of its troubled production schedule, Fangoria was there reporting and I followed that story for over a year. Honestly that's what I remember most about it and what I think about when I watch it now. On its own it's gothic Clive Barker goodness, but it also very much has that personal edge for me. 

18. Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight
Billy Zane has attracted most of the attention this movie has earned over the years but I wanna use this space to call attention to the crazy ensemble cast of character actors who're clearly having equally as much fun with the material. 

19. Clueless
How did someone go about making such an accurate Period Piece about the current period? Usually hindsight is the most advantageous tool in recreating an era on film but it was as if Amy Heckerling & co. merely held up a mirror. 

20. Braveheart
14th Century Euro history as a Popcorn Movie; it feels reminiscent of the 1950s in that sense, but you update it for the 90s with some action violence and suddenly we have a new standard for the "Epic".

21. Casper
Like The Flintstones, a $50 million budget that has the aesthetics of a grade school diorama. Unlike The Flintstones, genuine laughs and heart and characters we care about. (Sorry, Flintstones.) 

22. Get Shorty
The new John Travolta Crime Comedy was a big deal to me and just about everyone else at that moment. Unfortunately it was no Pulp but it did have its own mood, as well as scintillating performances from Gene Hackman and Dennis Farina. 

23. Four Rooms
With the space I'm given here I'll say: the first sequence (or "room") is one of the worst movies I've ever seen, the second room is passable slapstick with a few laughs, and while the fourth room is still Quentin's best work as a director to me, the third room is the best thing that Robert Rodriguez has ever done. So, it's uneven to say the least. 

24. Waterworld
I knew going in that there was controversy surrounding its production, but I found the finished product to be captivating. My generation didn't receive a ton of nautical adventures but this one certainly worked for me - particularly Dennis Hopper's usual mix of comedy and menace. 

25. The Crossing Guard
For its black & white simplicity, Melodrama is tricky business. The movie smothers us in a world of grief and guilt and never lets us up for air (not even at the end) but there is a definite joy in watching the most talented actors in the world convey that misery. 

26. The Mangler
It gets the edge over Dolores Claiborne as my favorite King adaptation of that year because of its archaic storyline and shameless depravity; an evil laundry machine that eats people up is gonna be one of the more exciting things in any year in film. 

27. Desperado
In an era of violent gunplay this didn't completely stand out to me - I responded to the humor and the clever set pieces but it got lost in the shuffle a bit. In retrospect it's so obviously Robert Rodriguez and his distinctive style (which has all but dissolved these days). 

28. Tank Girl
I initially found it obnoxious, probably because (as I said) I wanted my comic book stuff to be Burtonesque -- it turns out that I just wanted Batman stuff to be more serious. Nowadays I'd be overjoyed if Comic Book Movies were presented as being this ridiculous. 

29. Assassins
Sly and his particular brand of Action may've been on the downslope a bit, but thankfully we have the man of the hour, El Mariachi himself, to add some tension as a colorful bad guy. That & Julianne Moore as an Action Star is always unironically entertaining to me. 

30. Cruel Jaws
a.k.a Jaws 5 (though I wouldn't go spreadin' that around) this Italian Monster Movie is a Frankenstein unto itself, pulling together pieces of other movies and music scores to create one nearly-cohesive collage of terror in the water. I'd say it's two whole letter grades better than Jaws 3-D

1.02.2024

10 (actually 12) Unrecognized Universal Monsters


You remember all those cute jokes about how Mia Wallace and the Xenomorph are technically Disney Princesses? Well this ain't that. These aren't some approximations based on studio mergers or gender - this list checks off the only two boxes it needs: Are they monsters, and Do they appear in movies produced (or in most cases distributed) by Universal Pictures? Incidentally there are dozens of post-1970 characters that fit this criteria that deserve to haunt and maim amongst the ranks of Dracula, Frankenstein, et al. but here's my list of major contributors that deserve to throw their own monster parties where they all get together and hang out and eat Doritos and drink Pepsi. Or at the very least have their own commemorative postage stamps. 

- Paul


Bruce
Jaws

The easiest and most obvious choice on the list: spawned a franchise and dozens of knockoffs, based on literature, plenty of merchandise including an actual vinyl Halloween costume from Collegeville. Also effectively scary; no one stopped swimming for fear of the Creature from the Black Lagoon grabbing their ankles. 


Gunther
The Funhouse

So closely related to Frankenstein's Monster that he actually wears a Frankenstein mask - and that's when he deserves our sympathy. But then the mask comes off, revealing something more original and horrifying and dangerous. 


Conal Cochran
Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Mad Scientist, Evil Warlock, Corporate CEO, who knows. What I do know is that his bemusing demise (spoiler, sorry) was just confusing enough to allow him to come back in franchise form. 


The Bishop of Battle
Nightmares

Talk about franchising! This ghost-in-the-machine subgenre stuff was barely utilized in the home console video game market, but if it were it shoulda started here. Universal Monsters 2.0.


Darkness
Legend

This movie should've been rated X for how fucking scary Tim Curry looks - actually one of the few movie monsters to appear in my literal nightmares. I'd say that's pretty strong eligibility. 


The Klopeks
The 'Burbs

When you think about it we know absolutely nothing about this murderous family next door, and that makes me think they could've branched out away from this Abbott-and-Costello-type setup.


Max Cady
Cape Fear

Mitchum or DeNiro, take your pick; the fact that the role was reprised indicates his lasting effect and timeless scares. (If Freddy could get away with a franchise so could Max.)


Dr. Evan Rendell
Dr. Giggles

The Slasher that killed The Slasher genre. Too bad - crazy doctors are such a staple of the Universal Monster lore. And we never got to have the inevitable argument of "Dr. Giggles Part 3 isn't as good as Part 4, but it's still better than the first." 


T Rex
Jurassic Park

Strange to include 2 Spielberg and 0 Carpenter (and I have my reasons) but beyond my argument that this is a legit Horror Movie, I'd argue that she's the most memorable monster of the 1990s, regardless of studio affiliation. 


The Collector
Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight

Billy Zane is underrated (yes I'm using the word) and despite his competence in any role this one feels the most tailor-made to his showy madness. The ending implies The Collector could be anyone but Billy owns this like Karloff owns The Creature. 

7.12.2023

TRADING CARDS :: 1993! (duh)


By 1993, trading cards (along with posters, magazines, and other ephemera) had almost entirely taken the place of traditional toys as a focal point of pleasure in my life. I'd done the baseball card thing for several years but by this time it was all about the Non-Sport; every popular movie and TV show had become a numbered collectible to the point that it just became mandatory: see the movie, collect the cards. It wasn't even considered a particularly nerdy thing to do - they were just another toy that probably got replaced by video games; a throwaway reminder of the moment, doomed to be bent and smothered at the bottom of your underwear drawer. Me, I preserved them - like a prehistoric mosquito if you will (or to a lesser extent, a Demolition Man), waiting till the day I could put them on the internet for you and say, "Here. Here's what it was like." 

- Paul


THE SIMPSONS (#1) "Homer J. Simpson" -- SkyBox

The show would've been it its fourth or fifth season around this time, but like all the other merchandise the cards captured the crudity of the earliest seasons - in the look and in the humor. Even then I'd already felt sorta defensive of its true quality: No really, Bart is a lot funnier than just relying on words like "hell" and "cow" and "shorts." Not dissimilar to Homer, the schlubby dad with low intelligence who bowls and eats donuts. Hilarious. 


TALES FROM THE CRYPT (#12) "Heads Will Rock 'N Roll Dude" -- CARDZ

The kinda interesting/kinda disappointing theme of this set is that it was focused entirely on the Crypt Keeper -- disregarding the predictable approach of featuring publicity stills from the show. At the same time having the Keeper in various states of silly dress does make for a more enjoyable collecting approach, even if it was monotonous. 


THE REN & STIMPY SHOW (#46) "Log!" -- Topps

It's hard to tell from this scan but this set was all printed as spectra prism cards that gave them a reflective shine which sorta fit in with the gaudy flamboyance of the show. Just the fact that they existed as trading cards felt like a further homage to the midcentury Americana that they continuously satirized. 


BENCH WARMERS (1 of 4) "Deirdre Imershein" -- Bench Warmer, Inc.

There was no shortage of explicit nudie cards in the early 90s, but waayy more abundant were the more modest model/bikini/pinup sets, and the leader in that subgenre was probably Bench Warmer - a woman in skimpy clothes doing athletic things. Even for non nudes I found them pretty exciting, but my even geekier side found it just as exciting to have this NOT FOR SALE promo card that I got god-knows-where. That's what makes it naughty. 


JURASSIC PARK (#29) "Gerry Harding" -- Topps

Who didn't love Gerry despite his lack of confidence regarding toxic berries? Gerry Harding was played by the film's producer, Gerald Molen, and his wobbly acting skills always made it seem as though he was an actual Jurassic Park employee who they allowed to be in the movie and even have a few lines, just to create a sense of authenticity. I hope he made it out alive. 

10.18.2020

MY FAVORITE EPISODES part two


 I'm having another one of my... episodes!

   Watching shows in this house means we're eating dinner. And that also means we're winding down and creating a mood for our evening. This is always way more fun during holiday seasons. Mealtimes become an event, dwarfing the feature/sex combo that follows. We'll turn a cold shoulder to our standard sandwich or pasta night and fill our bodies with delicious oil dripping delivery. We'll message each other all day to try to pair the right meal with the right show, hopefully nailing that perfect episode. A longstanding tradition that we will pass on to our son.

   If I had to choose a Horror genre, after giving it an unreasonable amount of thought, I would I have to say it would be 'Anthology.' Horror is best when presented like little nightmares. After all, it's the tiniest cuts that are the most painful. And so I thank the universe for giving me The Horror Series. The bad dreams can weave in and out and change a hundred times, depending on the writers' imagination. A neverending compilation. These are this year's Top 5 meal-enhancing, nostalgia-inducing, monsters in my closet. Viewer discretion is advised.

- Babes 
 
 
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
"The Tale of the Dollmaker" (season 3)

  The night that I decided that I was much too old and sophisticated for this show, this episode aired, and I was sucked back in. I'd always been afraid of porcelain dolls, but this introduced the idea of an otherworldly dimension, where you actually become the creepy toy. I find the concept way scarier than the show's low-budget execution, but I always get right in the October spirit every year when we revisit.
 
The Twilight Zone
"Eye of the Beholder" (season 2)

  Though it may be hard to believe, I have not watched very much of The Twilight Zone. The series, which many believe paved the way and heavily influenced modern Horror Cinema, has eluded me for years. Though there were times throughout my life where I have caught some episodes during holiday related marathons, and due to extreme popularity, every time I would catch this one. 

  To say that I have a low self-image is a dramatic understatement. There were portions of my teen years especially that were very unkind. I would agonize in front of a mirror and long for a more socially accepted physique. What I always loved most about this particular installment was how body positive it was. The grotesque looked down upon great beauty with disgust, leaving the viewer not only creeped-out by their horrific reveal, but also to maybe think about the choices they make. Maybe they won't pick on little Dick or Jane tomorrow.

Beetlejuice
"Spooky Boo-tique" (season 2)

  Beetlejuice was a way of life for about three years. I watched the movie day-in and -out and wouldn't miss an episode of the equally-adorable tie-in cartoon. I had one small action figure toy, that I coveted above all other things. I would buckle tiny Michael Keaton into the seat next to me in the car for safe measure. And the Ghost With the Most was my imaginary friend. You could often catch me in quiet corners singing "Day-O" to him. 

  Growing up I wanted to be a million different things, all influenced by a million things that I loved. And added to the jar was to own and operate my very own Spooky Boutique. A goth store, or store of mysticism. I would sells gemstones, good quality black clothes, stinky herbs, and spider jewelry. I came close during my Hot Topic management years, but working for a huge corporation, where we don't choose what we sell, is very different. I do have to say, that every morning, when lifting that gate to open, I would hear Lydia's jingle for her store commercial. 

Buffy The Vampire Slayer
"Band Candy" (season 3)

  I unabashedly love Buffy and I make no apologies for it. It is my favorite soap opera. The first season laid the groundwork for Horror Drama fans alike, and with that established audience, we could start to character arc and strip personality layers. This would go on to be the show's greatest strength. 

  Bookish nerdy men with glasses are hot. I will probably think about getting in your pants. But if you add to that a repressed demon worshiper with a punk rock edge, and you hold my genitals in your hands. Any Halloween episode of any show is exciting, but watching a belligerent chain-smoking Giles trying to nail Buffy's Mom, and I'm wet. 

Tales From the Crypt
"Four-sided Triangle" (season 2)

   I like most Tales from the Crypt. In fact, I picked an entirely different segment for an earlier episodic entry. This year I am being more selective. I am making my choices based on how things make me feel. And this short film, with some of the best Horror acting out there, makes me feel genuinely unnerved. There's no monster, no evil doer, no bump in the night. A writer took a somewhat plausible and disturbing home-life scenario, and gave it a gory and heroic ending we were all hoping for, but weren't expecting.


3.01.2019

Remembering TV


I collect stuff. Amongst that stuff, I collect magazines. Amongst those magazines, I collect TV Guide. And like all the things I collect, I'm rarely a completist - especially when it comes to "The Guide."

A cool cover is worth noting, but my real criteria has to do with the content of an issue. Like any periodical, the articles are written with an excited urgency as they had an immediate - though fleeting - relevance. And that's fun.
Also, it has to be from a period when I actually watched TV, which, the older my old ass gets, the more narrow that spike gets on my timeline. But more than anything, I'm only interested in issues that are published for my specific geographical region, because the real meat of this mag are the listings.

This is a magical journey of the mind I wasn't even aware existed until I casually flipped through the coarse gray pages of some issue I picked up at some point at some flea market - probably for the cover. And what I discovered was a bizarre sensation I've yet to extract from, well... anything else on the planet, really.
Finding out what time a specific program aired on a certain date is easy research to do, but tangible, detailed documentation published the very week of the history it records turns it into a "Rosebud"-esque relic of your own past. As a TV kid, I can pick certain days, times, and stations and determine with a high level of certainty that I watched whatever it was. To put it plainly: it's like a third-party journal compiled by an unseen enterprise that observed and dictated exactly what I was doing on a random Tuesday at 5pm - all without my knowledge or consent. And now, decades later, here it is: memories I thought I had of activities I thought I experienced - validated in a 200-page itinerary.

"...For as memories are older, they're like wine rarer, till you find a real old memory, one of infancy, not an established often tasted one but a BRAND NEW ONE!, it would taste better than Napoleon brandy..." 
- Jack Kerouac, Visions of Cody

What this does is transcends something as simple as "what aired on TV a long time ago" and instead adds detail to the otherwise broad color of my own memory. Probably added to that is also a profound lust for history - especially subjective history; events that relate to me. And to a 6-year-old, there isn't much more history to speak of than the TV schedule.

And while there may be a combination of me not articulating this very well, mixed with the simple fact that many may not share my feelings on this cerebral mindfuck I've stumbled upon, there's at least some pedestrian nostalgia we can all reflect on.

All mindfuckery aside, any given issue is packed with antiquated nonsense and splashy promises of high-quality entertainment that are neat - and sometimes absurd - to read.
So, because this is our Year of Anniversaries, let's flip through one from (almost) 30 years ago:
June 10, 1989 - Volume 37, Number 23



Right off the bat, Fred & Danica front & center let's us know it's unmistakably '89. I once asserted that 1989 belongs to Fred Savage (and I'm sure I will again throughout this year) and this cover story provides some interesting backstory to the kid we knew as Kevin Arnold (...or Corey Woods, or Brain Stevenson). But that's a gimme.
What are some other notable notes from this numerical end to the 1980s?

  • An interview with Jay Leno about collecting cars (and being Jay Leno).
  • How Charlene Tilton keeps her trim figure.
  • An analysis of the impact Marshall McLuhan had on the culture.
  • Letters from irate viewers complaining about the crudeness of Roseanne Barr's new sitcom.

Not a lot here worth building a shrine to.
The advertisements also aren't very awe-inspiring: 80% of them are cigarette ads (and they're not even cool ones). The rest are Ford, Tang, some kinda fruit/gelatin Del Monte concoction, and the mandatory book club enticement. The only fun one is the full-page mini-poster for Ghostbusters II, which opened at the end of the week.


Dig a bit deeper and you start to find the gold nuggets that make this & most other issues worth scrutinizing.
There'll always be fun stuff like the Top Ten Video Rentals - courtesy of the very official-sounding 'Video Cassette Report'...


Or, how about this incredibly prophetic 'Cheers 'n' Jeers' column...


To save you the hassle of zooming, it reads:
"CHEERS... To The Simpsons, the cartoon clan on Fox's The Tracey Ullman Show. Oddball syndicated cartoonist Matt ("Life in Hell") Groening has created a very striking, turbulent sitcom family in his animated vignettes that air between Ullman's skits. The war amongst the Simpsons will be expanding, as Fox is planning on spinning off Groening's cartoon into a series of its own. That's a top-drawer idea."

Indeed.

But while they seemed ominously aware of the looming pop culture mainstay that was months away from devouring us all, little fanfare was given to the fact that this was the week Tales From the Crypt premiered on HBO - day of publication, actually - and its only mentions are in a couple b&w blurbs.
Guessin' their foresight was selective at best.


And while I'd love to go over & disect the entire schedule for the week & talk about which episodes of what shows were on which channel on what day at which time, you may not love it as much.

Still, though, do you realize you could've watched License to Drive a total of 7 times between Saturday and Thursday on Cinemax and Showtime?! What a time to be alive.

For the past 10 or 15 years, I've marveled with cold blood at what's become of Saturday morning programming - all of it, not just kids' stuff. It was once a jungle gym of game shows, franchise cartoons, young adult sitcoms, puppet shows, edited-for-TV action and horror movies, and The Three Stooges.
Versus today: Infomercials for non-stick pans and bodybuilding, credit score seminars, golf, college basketball, NCIS reruns, and station after station of severely local news. So, at the very least, I've complied a list of interesting programming that aired on the morning of Saturday, June 10, 1989, from 7am to 11am:


7:00AM
Sesame Street
Mighty Mouse
Wonder Woman
Marvel Action Universe
Gumby
Adventures of the Little Koala 

7:30AM
Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids
Smurfs' Adventures
Noozles

8:00AM
Flintstone Kids
Reading Rainbow
Popeye
Kids' Court

8:30AM
Superman
Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears
Archies
Wuzzles
Heathcliff

9:00AM
Jim Henson's Muppet Babies
Smurfs
Munsters Today
Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers
Mr. Wizard's World

9:30AM
Slimer! and The Real Ghostbusters
Degrassi Junior High
Sneak Previews
Donald Duck Presents

10:00AM
Pee-Wee's Playhouse
Chipmunks
Flipper
Finders Keepers

10:30AM
Garfield and Friends
ALF
Small Wonder
Pup Named Scooby Doo
Abbott and Costello
Gentle Ben
You Can't Do That On Television

Do not mistake this observation (though I can't imagine who would) as a comparison between the quality of shows from my youth and the quality of shows of today's youth; this is strictly an indictment of quantity. I'm sure places like Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network still offer a lineup of noisy brouhaha on any given morning, and regardless if it's a matter of monopolization or segregation, they don't reflect the sensation or the expanse of the event that it was.

The best (and obvious) explanation for this is streaming services - which weren't around much ten years ago, so it's hard to determine exactly when the disease was contracted.

This isn't a cynical analysis of the downward spiral of Television - this, please, cannot be that. But I will say that whatever children's cable programming is popular today will be best remembered as the 'finish line' for TV. It seems as though my generation was on the tail-end of a childhood institution that lasted over half a century. (Longer if you include radio.)

And when there are no more Saturday mornings, no more cartoons, no more toy stores, no more McDonald's, no more high fructose corn syrup, Mattel and Hasbro will become religions, Fred Flintstone and Tony the Tiger will become saints, Coca-Cola will be the blood of Ronald, and TV Guide will be holy scripture.


Lord, hear our prayer.

- Paul