Bennett Media goes WRESTLING!

Back in the 1980s, the stereotype was that televised Wrestling was mostly embraced by Rednecks and Trailer Trash. That might've been unfair, but in my experience it was entirely true; a lotta the kids I knew who were considerably less fortunate than I really seemed to embrace it as part of their personality. Then in the 90s, the appeal seemed to grow and integrate more into the mainstream, and suddenly "Big Van Vader" is wrestling Ben Savage on Boy Meets World, and I start to see more t-shirts around school that I don't understand. 

Obviously this isn't a history lesson; everything I've mentioned is just observation mixed with speculation, because it's not like I was just "unaware" of Wrestling... I was actively disinterested - which is just a polite way of saying I didn't like it. I still don't. But I'm preserving politeness because I didn't come here to shit on a most beloved part of Pop Culture. In fact, I'm here to celebrate it (in my own way)! As mentioned, Wrestling and Wrestlers aren't always confined to the ring -- in many cases, they were integral to stuff I liked too. I'd always maintained that I didn't know much about it, but when I started to compile a physical list, I came up with over a dozen examples of Wrestling-related things that I've experienced throughout my life that managed to win me over (or at least hold my interest for the duration). Granted they never tempted me to dive any deeper into the wide world of rasslin' but I'm grateful for these 15 contributions.

- Paul

Suburban Commando

featuring Hulk Hogan

My VHS version of Gremlins 2 did not feature the cameo from The Hulkster (nor did it even contain the alternate Home Video scene with John Wayne either). Nevertheless, Hulk Hogan was everywhere for years before this Science Fiction Action Family film came out in 1991 (or, more specifically, 1992 which is when I probably saw it on tape), but this was my first experience spending any real amount of time with him. Yes, it probably would've been unbearably weak without the presence of Christopher Lloyd, but the chemistry between both of them is undeniable. (Fun Fact: it was written for Schwarzenegger and DeVito, who did Twins instead -- a movie I like considerably less than this one.)

Slim Jim Commercials

featuring Randy "Macho Man" Savage

Macho Man is a good example of my inarticulate approach to wrestlers at that time, which is just a general feeling of "What's this guy's problem?" But Slim Jim knew how to harness and present that hernia-inducing energy and managed to create TV ads that felt like Action Movies. Matched with the fact that I'm a big fan of the product, Mach Man was always alright with me. 

WWF Wrestling Buddies

from Tonka!

Speaking of memorable TV ads! There was nary a commercial break in the early 1990s that didn't include this sales pitch for pillows designed to look like muscular naked men. Thinking of them now makes me aware of another reason for my disinterest in the genre: I really didn't have that little boy urge to beat the shit out of someone. Maybe I was born without that gene, or maybe I just ignored it. Or maybe it was upbringing; I didn't have the kinda dad that would playfully put me in a headlock as a sign of affection. At any rate, these commercials always depicted everything in a very wholesome light, making them feel very non-intrusive during any given episode of DuckTales. 

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

featuring "Captain" Lou Albano

Before his title role in The Super Mario Bros. Super Show and long before his cameo in Stay Tuned, I knew him as Cyndi Lauper's disapproving dad. He'd also pop up in her "Time After Time" video, and also the video for the Goonies song (which actually featured like ten other wrestlers). The Cyndi Lauper/Wrestling connection would baffle me for most of my life, until I read a SPIN Magazine article detailing her manager's love of Wrestling, and the casting of Lou Albano to try to boost Cyndi's fan base. (It worked.) Even still, when the Mario show premiered, my mom recognized him as a wrestler first because, to perpetuate the stereotype, she actually spent some time living in a trailer park in Florida. 

Stripes

Mud Wrestling

I'm including this because a.) this may very well be my real introduction to Wrestling, and b.) I can't seem to compose any list without including Stripes. (In fact, I'm gonna make a tag for it right now.) The concept of physical altercation as sport wasn't totally lost on me at 4 years old but there were definitely elements of this specific activity that were a little confusing - all I knew was that it was exciting when the girls lost their bikinis. Actually, in hindsight, I now realize that I understood everything about this scene as a child. 

Honeycomb Commercial

featuring Andre The Giant

Another supposedly fundamental experience I didn't grow up with was The Princess Bride -- which just means that my one true connection to Andre The Giant is his appearance in a 1989 Honeycomb Cereal commercial that aired hourly right into the 90s. The premise: four kids and a robot are enjoying Honeycomb in their treehouse when they get harassed by a giant who's hungry for cereal. Tensions are high at first, but everyone's shared adoration for the Post Breakfast Cereal prompts singing and camaraderie. Strangely, the Honeycomb was the least alluring detail for me: I thought the treehouse was rad, but more than that, the heavily wooded backyard with rich foliage bathed in late afternoon sunshine wasn't too dissimilar from my own backyard when I was a kid, but it was only that much more lusty when this spot would run in the dead of Winter. 

The Three Stooges

Grips, Grunts, and Groans

In this 1937 Columbia Short, the boys befriend a wrestler named Bustoff. Bustoff is a wreckless party animal who drinks himself into a stupor, prompting Curly to apply a fake beard and pose as him in the ring -- but the Mob has money riding on Bustoff, so Curly had better win (even with some predictably unconventional tactics). For the longest time, this was the only depiction of the lifestyle of a wrestler that I was aware of: the debaucherous midpoint between Babe Ruth and Al Capone. I had to admit, it seemed somewhat inviting. 

They Live

featuring "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

I'm sure I've told this story before but it's pertinent to this list... I was flipping through the channels during some weekend afternoon and I came across "The Fight Scene" on a local cable channel. The beginning of the scene. My mother was there too and neither of us knew what this movie was. After about 5 minutes we were convinced that nothing else was gonna happen in this film except this fight. Obviously the plot finally kicked back into gear and what unfolded blew our minds, but not as blown as halting the pace of an otherwise straightforward narrative so a Pro Wrestler can show off what happens when he runs outta bubblegum. 

Pain & Gain

featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

I sat and I thought. And I thought and I thought. "Is it possible I've never seen a movie featuring The Rock? Have I yet to smell what he's cooking?" For a moment I honestly couldn't think of a single one. So I went to The Internet and scrolled the long list of feature films, and I actually found two(!) that I've seen in their entirety, both for partially ironic reasons: Doom (as part of our Video Game Take5 episode) and this, absorbed with a glimmer of hope that a self aware Michael Bay Action Comedy starring The Scorpion King might be more intentionally funny than unintentionally. (It really wasn't.) Honestly, I find the man likable, and despite having seen him in almost nothing, I don't think he's found his groove yet (though I can assume it's not Indie Oscar bait).

The Ren & Stimpy Show

"Mad Dog Höek"

Perhaps I would've been more into Wrestling had it leaned harder into these kindsa extremes (pus, gore, etc.). The irony is that Ren believes Wrestling to be fake and then gets graphically pummeled in various ways, which furthers my point that, if it's gonna be so obviously fake, it should be cartoonishly so; there should be way more poppings of eyeballs and blood vessels. 

Married... With Children

"Flight of the Bumblebee" featuring King Kong Bundy

Clearly it's about time I made a tag for Married... With Children as well. The name "Bundy" always seemed like a questionable choice for a sitcom family in the 80s, but the claim is that it was a direct homage to Pro Wrestler King Kong Bundy, who actually guested on the show twice: once as one of Peg's hick relatives, and then many seasons later as himself, in this episode where Kelly convinces him to beat up Bud in the ring. Definitely two of my least favorite episodes, but the Wrestling aspect is only partially incidental; when this show wanted to go intentionally lowbrow, it went hard, nearly past the point to where someone as shallow as me thought it was stupid, and that's definitely what happened here. Still, we honor this figurative and literal giant for lending his stage name to this iconic fictional family. 

Ed Wood

featuring George "The Animal" Steele (as Tor Johnson!)

This one's all kindsa meta: Pro Wrestler George "The Animal" Steele acting in a movie about director Ed Wood, portraying Pro Wrestler Tor Johnson who's cast by director Ed Wood to be in his movie. When this came out I wasn't really familiar with Plan 9 or Tor Johnson, but I immediately changed that right after I saw this, and I'm still as startled today as I was back then at how perfect this casting was. The resemblance is just uncanny! 

1 Night in China

featuring Joanie "Chyna" Laurer and Sean Waltman

Almost immediately after the "success" of Paris Hilton's leaked sex tape 1 Night in Paris, Chyna and Pro Wrestler fiancée Sean Waltman voluntarily sold their own homemade video to XXX studio Red Light District, cleverly adapting the punny title. Even during the dawn of the age of "pirating" and "downloading", I actually rented this video from the adult video store (because when it comes to smut I guess I'm just old-fashioned). Chyna apparently embraced the attention and continued making porn movies, but my curiosity halted after just 1 night. 

Blade Runner 2049

featuring Dave Bautista

I'd already seen him Guardians of the Galaxy and he (like the entirety of that movie) didn't really leave an impression on me -- at best I'm sure I just brushed him aside as some meathead hired for his exaggerated  physique. Obviously I was not so quick to dismiss his very brief but totally memorable moment in this movie that didn't require muscles at all; he gives a decidedly subtle turn as a soft spoken replicant who enjoys reading and farming. Putting him in the role could've come across as ironic, but no one approaches it that way and the scene remains memorable on its own merits. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

featuring Kevin Nash

Lastly, what's a Bennett Inventory compilation without some mention of Ninja Turtles -- more specifically, Super Shredder! For me, nothing tops his menacing presentation in Part One - but that fell in line with the tone of that film. This decidedly goofy sequel only sometimes got as loud and colorful as it was trying to be, but this moment, depicting a giant mutated Shredder (played by Pro Wrestler Kevin Nash), is the crescendo of this movie's intended madness. Again, if Wrestling had ever featured costumes this over-the-top, it may've just piqued my interest. 

Orange Mango

Summer Starter Pack 2026

 

It might be brash to make any big (or even medium sized) plans for the season, given our time-consuming, spirit-crushing employment status. But if we do get a chance to come up for air, we don't wanna waste a second on trying to decide what to do -- when leisure strikes, you gotta be ready (which is why the Starter Pack exists in the first place).

For the newbies, let's do the damn preamble: at the beginning of each Summer we compile a list of stuff we wanna do/eat/experience over the course of the next couple months. Some are big commitments, some might kill an afternoon. Some might be forgettable endeavors, some might forever define The Summer of '26 in our memory. Ultimately the reason we share it with you is that we hope you'll join in - either with the same activities or with your own agenda. Whatever you choose to do, just remember: if it takes longer than 15 minutes it counts as a break, so be sure to punch out. 

- Paul

The Sensual World of Black Emanuelle

This year's Starter Pack is all about "chill", though this could be a little more on the stimulating side. Back in 2023 Severin released a 24 film box set of the "Black Emanuelle" sub-sub-subgenre of movies, and I've just been sleeping on it, keeping it warm, waiting for it to hatch. If I was to embark on a two dozen Eurosex movie marathon, the circumstances had to be just right. 

I'd always been aware of a Black Emanuelle "spinoff" (bold quotation marks) but I had no idea of the expanse of this very specific franchise, as well as the talents involved; Joe D'Amato is behind the camera much of the time, and the set also comes with some soundtrack compilation CDs, featuring my boy Nico Zombie Holocaust Fidenco(!). It will no doubt be a strange, erotic journey. 

And then, all at once, there's Maude!

Most Summers we try to pick some old show (either contained in a flimsy box of discs or streaming somewhere for some finite amount of time) and try to stick to it -- binge it over the course of the season. Sometimes that works, sometimes that falls apart after one or two episodes - usually due entirely to an oversaturated market of content. But these? These leave us nowhere else to go...

Found at a sorta indoor flea market / consignment warehouse, mixed in with all the usual One True Things and Air Force Ones was a taped-offa-TV VHS of episodes of the 1970s sitcom Maude. After some more digging there was another. Then another. Clearly these were all meticulously recorded by some mega Maude fan, and since I can't imagine anyone with this much dedication just selling these cassettes off to strangers, I can only fear the worst. I only bought them in the hopes of seeing some old commercials, but now I have a quest to carry on this anonymous person's fandom (at least for the duration of my down time this Summer). 

Cinema Sewer

If I've never made it obvious, I'll plainly state that I've never been huge into comic books. I used to collect them for the art and the ads contained within, but the writing and the stories didn't interest me. But when you add the modifier of "Underground" to "Comic Books" then you might have something. Case in point: Robin Bougie's Cinema Sewer, "The Only Guide to History's Sickest and Sexiest Movies".

Published from 1997 to 2021, the comics were nearly entirely Film Theory and Film Criticism, with topics ranging from "The Best of Cannon Films", to a retrospective on Lisa De Leeuw, to a rundown of "Best Parking Garage Scenes", to the merits of Fart Porn. It's filthy, it's funny, it's sincere, and it's completely compatible to Bennett Media's interests and standards. FAB Press has compiled the best bits of every issue and consolidated them into 8 dense volumes of grimy musings and dirty drawings; I'm currently somewhere in the midst of Volume 3, and given the weight of every single page, it definitely qualifies as a voyage. 

Relaxo Music

Work can be stressful. So can cars, bills, health, relationships, identity theft, the gathering darkness, etc. Point is, it doesn't all stop for sunny weather, and a lotta the time we may be too tired, or too bitchy, or even too frightened to rock 'n roll all night -- most of the time it's important for us to keep calm, so that we may indeed carry on. One way to do that would be to have no auditory distractions at all, but that goes against our celebratory instincts (and also could come across as ominous). No, we need something cheerful, soothing, optimistic, comforting, and maybe even a little flirty. Luckily, Smooth Electronic Jazz from the 1990s checks all of these boxes. 

Most years we'll commit to an album or band or even a genre to be the soundtrack of That Summer, and most years we stray from that commitment. Not This Year. Honestly I turn to this music often, particularly when I need a gentle reminder that everything will be alright if I allow it to be. I've dug around for years trying to amass my own curated collection of this very specific vibe, and for those of you wanting to play along, go out and obtain (or at least sample) the works of Davol, Trammell Starks, and especially Fowler & Branca. I'm pretty sure all of them contributed to the sounds of The Weather Channel (if that gives you some frame of reference) but these moody melodies inspire a lot of imagery: a desert road trip, a short lived sitcom, a romantic daydream, a quiet neighborhood, a childhood memory -- just an abstract nostalgia for idealized visions of life. It's addictive. 

The Passions of Elvis

A few weeks back, Elvis (my son) asked me where "my favorite place to go" was (because only a 7 year old deals in absolutes). I had difficulty landing on an honest answer, mostly because there really aren't many manmade places to go anymore, and the ones that are left have been sanitized or gentrified or castrated in some manner. But he answered for me and said it's "probably Horror Conventions", and he was probably right - they're the closest thing left to a toy store/mall/flea market on my own radar of interests (and I tragically haven't been to one in years). I took the bait and asked him where his favorite place to go was, and he had two (of which he made me guess). To reiterate, it certainly wasn't Toys R Us or Kay-Bee, so I gave the easy (and correct) answer of "the playground". The second place came as a bit of a surprise, though didn't take many guesses (because, again, it's a short list) - I thought of the most recent establishments we'd been to that had anything exciting to offer, which at that point was "The Movies". 

We'd seen The Super Mario Galaxy Movie probably less than ten days prior so it was still fresh on his mind -- and by "fresh on his mind" I mean the only possible topic of conversation that he was able to offer, and if someone wasn't able to adequately reciprocate, he'd simply monologue his thoughts and feelings. Actually, that pattern of discourse hasn't really let up since then (or since he could speak really) but the subject matter can veer off into other areas intrigue, like Five Nights at Freddy's, SpongeBob Squarepants, Minecraft, and also non Pop Culture items like Astronomy, Geology, and Meteorology. And when he's run out of things to say and facts to share, he'll write Short Story Fiction, broken into chapters, incorporating elements from all these properties into a decidedly-fashionable multiverse of characters and themes. 

I understand this level of mania only too well - waking up in the morning as my dreams transition into thoughts of specific video games or cartoon characters or toys or other acts of play, and those things dominating my train of thought as the serious matters that they are. (Summers were best, when there was no other business to distract me from this very important work.) To witness someone (especially of my own heritage) experience and harness and profess this casual joy of living is endlessly wonderful and fun, and sometimes generates a brief whiff of jealousy. See, I haven't fallen into a profound obsession over any form of Art or Entertainment in a long time - probably over 20 years / since early adulthood. Does the weight of the world simply make it too difficult to lose ourselves in the music anymore? Or did I reach a certain age where I'd simply already discovered every single thing that could possibly interest me? Frankly I refuse to believe that either of those are true - mostly because I'm constantly reminded of how wonderful it can be to be in that frame of mind, and I need to believe I can get back there. 

Maybe this is just the dilemma of Millennial Nostalgia - we can't get into anything new because there isn't anything new; I don't need to discover Batman or Ghostbusters or Super Mario or Jurassic Park because I did that already during an entirely different cultural era. But that's partly why having a child during this current period of time is only that much more fantastical: I can expose him to something like STAR WARS or Indiana Jones or Alien, and there's nothing outdated about any of it because we can turn on the TV or go "The Movies" and pick up right where the story left off. 

It's important to note that not only have I not pushed any of my interests on him, but there's also a clear division in the properties that we follow. As I sit beside him in the theater as we watch The SpongeBob Movie: The Search For Squarepants or Five Nights at Freddy's 2, I'm reminded of sitting next to my own father as I subjected him to the likes of 3 Ninjas and Stay Tuned as he happily obliged. (We also saw Last of the Mohicans and Dracula that same year but I'm not trying to call attention to the dip in quality over the decades.) I'm watching these movies that I would've otherwise gone the rest of my life without seeing, but I'm doing it through this sorta distorted lens where I'm watching them through his eyes and making sure they hit all the marks that he's looking for; without any effort whatsoever, my normal pretentious film critic filter is almost entirely deactivated, which still allows me to be opinionated but in different ways. 

What's all this gripe I keep hearing about "Fan Service"? The first time I heard that phrase as a negative (or in any context at all) was in reference to Rogue One (which at that time was only the fifth STAR WARS movie to be largely predicated upon nostalgia); ironically enough that's one of the few movies where I felt the winks and nods were integrated into the story most organically. But my dispute here isn't necessarily in defense of Fan Service, but that it seems like a completely benign insult; as I write this on the brink of new Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings material being thrusted upon us, I've only ever been under the impression that the mere existence of any and all of these microwaved Intellectual Properties are, by definition, "Fan Service". I mean, of course every moment in all these remakes and sequels is esoteric and referential - it's their world, and we're paying to live in it. While watching these Super Mario movies I wasn't too preoccupied or even aware of stuff like pacing and structure and character development -- One, because they actually handle those things pretty okay, and Two because they don't seem to be that big of a concern to Elvis; as long as familiar characters and locations and sounds and objects keep appearing on the screen...? Pure Cinema. 

Conversely, there are plenty of childlike institutions that I still actively enjoy that he just can't seem to get into wholeheartedly. Every day after school he does his homework while my attention is split between helping him with Reading Comprehension and watching the 1987 Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's sorta become a running joke now, how Papa's "favorite show" is Ninja Turtles and how it's the only thing I'm interested in. I've only ever been able to compound these accusations by dragging him to see the original 1990 movie (as well as Secret of the Ooze) in the theater during their respective 35th anniversaries. Again, not forcing anything on him, I know he like Michelangelo - he's said as much, and I spotted an expression of mild glee on his face anytime Mikey did some of his antics. And I know he digs Super Shredder because how could anyone not? But in his mind the Turtles clearly belong to me; for my last birthday I asked him to draw me a picture that I could get tattooed on myself, and so now I have this...

His birthday will forever correspond with the end of the school year / beginning of Summer, so that also means it'll usually be at the same time as the release of some big movie. Despite the fact that they release these kindsa movies all year long now, they still find worthy titles for the season's kickoff. In 2025 we went to see Elio, and as much as we enjoyed it in the moment, it left no lasting impression on us whatsoever. A real shame - Pixar is typically top quality, and it's always refreshing to fall for a largely original movie, but in this framework, if you can't get any good toys or Halloween costumes out of it then something's missing. So this year is the big swing of Toy Story 5, sure to stimulate the nostalgia bone of children and grownups alike, as well as fuel the fire for the cynics who feel they shouldn't be making any more of these. At any rate, the timing guarantees a core memory in the making. Actually, he was very apprehensive at first - his Second Grade classmates have already christened Toy Story as "baby stuff". Fair enough - I was 12 when Part One came out and so I certainly waited for the privacy of Home Video. But I explained to him how much I loved it when I was practically a teenager and so it's definitely okay for big kids too. (I could've explained how I love it even as a grownup, but my credibility as a mature adult is obviously already blurred in his eyes.)

I'm not particularly sentimental about him "growing up so fast", mostly because we're sorta in the midst of what I consider to be the best years. I've wanted a child of my own ever since I was a child, and that's partly because I just wanted someone likeminded to hang out with, and I'd say he's just about reached the age where we can sort of causally enjoy the same things together without either of us having to pander to the other. There's still a noticeable gulf there: I'm able to genuinely appreciate some of his pursuits simply because of his infectious enthusiasm, while he still struggles to simply feign interest in some of my hobbies -- like watching feature length films. That's why it was a surprise that he holds The Movie Theater in such high regard; I don't know if it's his attention span or it's a generational thing, but my kid - my kid - is only partially interested in The Art of Motion Pictures. If the title and subject is rooted in a brand name that's familiar to him (cartoons, video games, sequels, etc.) then he'll perhaps allow his eyes to glance at the screen to then maybe determine its worth. But with everything else I'm like a hungry screenwriter tryna sell him on the most exciting elements of every movie. "It's got a guy who kills women so he can steal their skin and wear it over his own! And there's another guy who's so dangerous that they keep him in a glass box because he eats people!" That gets some mild interest, but I know in my sad heart that it'd just be way too talky/cerebral for him to sit through. Having said that, it's become apparent that Horror is the key to (moderate) captivation, even more than Action Adventure or Comedy. (He was barely able to watch the last half of American Werewolf in London because he was too busy "transforming into a werewolf" himself.) Even just the scarier/gorier moments from the Predator and Terminator movies got a ton of attention and praise, while the explosions and shootouts and chases did little to delight him. 

Morbid fascination, or a distaste for the tedium of Big Budget Blow-em-ups? Who knows? Who cares? If he's anything like I was it's probably a little of both. The biggest difference is that, unlike my own parents, I'm not constantly reinforcing the idea that all scary movies are "really fucking scary, so close your eyes here because you will be scared." Granted, refraining from that kinda rhetoric removes just about all the mystique surrounding this material that kept me so turned on throughout my youth, but I'm also here to guide him through the aisles of muck and blandness and make sure to show him what I consider to be the best. If he wants to branch out into the schlock he can spend his prepubescence flipping through stacks of Fangorias same as I did. In the meantime, he's given his most positive responses to The Thing, The Blob, Halloween IV, Weapons, Primate, the entirety of the Child's Play franchise (with heavy emphasis on Seed of Chucky), and oddly enough, Misery, which prompted him to spend the remainder of the day telling everyone "I'm your Number One Fan". 

I'm making it all seem grander than it really is -- with the exception of Chucky (and maybe Weapons), his mindset is entirely focused on his very "Second Grader in 2026" goods and services; unique to the setting, but also unique to him. He spends hours at a time playing LEGO STAR WARS on his touchscreen tablet. He dances to AC/DC and INXS on his Amazon Alexa. Over the past few months he's drifted away from the "bedtime story" routine, and now the last moments of the day are dedicated to watching YouTube videos - either about storm chasers, or comparing the sizes of stars in the observable universe. Even through the filter of the 21st Century it's all completely relatable, because while none of us are exactly the same as our kids, we were once, in fact, kids. He likes waterslides and hide 'n seek and chocolate bars and bubblegum. He likes nature and science and stuffed animals and being tickled. He hates long car rides and eating dinner and brushing his teeth and going to sleep. He's frightened of bees and bullies and nightmares and bellyaches. As we grow up we tend to quiet some of these stronger feelings -- but in favor of what? I ask that rhetorically but I don't actually know the answer; we're desensitized with experience, but I suppose a generalized apathy is also a defense mechanism against the shit we deal with in the grownup world. But whatever, this isn't about the ugliness of adulthood, nor is it about me pining for my own past - mostly because I don't really need to anymore (or as much anyway). 

I wouldn't say I live "vicariously" through Elvis's optimism and curiosity and overall lust for life, I'm just happy to be around it and I'll do anything I can to perpetuate it; it's infectious and I selfishly don't ever wanna poison the well. The old concept of "providing a better upbringing for your child than the one you received" is a tall order for me because my childhood home life was top-notch, so now whenever the circumstances fall short it's that much more devastating to me. But Elvis doesn't know that because he has nothing to compare it to; objectively his life has been one unbroken boulevard of green lights, so in some ways, he's actually had it better than me - thusly making him a better person. He's more outgoing than I was, more generous, more inquisitive, and especially way better looking (even if he does look exactly like SpongeBob). I won't attempt to call out any of the shortcomings of my own parents and just say that I've utilized and bestowed their best traits throughout this chapter of my life that is "parenting", which basically just boils down to a loving and safe environment. I had that. I did not have the ability to watch any episode of my favorite show at any time of the day or night. I did not have four video game devices with an extensive library of games for each. I did not have framed posters on my bedroom wall. I did not have my own YouTube channel. (Make sure to visit it and "like" and "subscribe", it's a huge deal to him when that happens.) Again, that's still not me being envious; I'll take VHS quality gold over 4K streaming manure any day. But with technology, same as trends and culture and history and the color of the sky and the taste of a soft drink and the smell of a rainstorm and the excitement of a carnival, it all feels new to me -  and it's amazing, because Elvis told me it was. 

- Paul

TOP SECRET CLOWN BUSINESS!

Hi. I'm Paul and I'm a coulrophile. That means I like clowns -- as in, like like clowns, particularly of the opposite sex. But this isn't about my weird thing, because today I'm here to celebrate all clowns of all genders from all walks of popular culture - particularly the following 10 great harlequins, jesters, and other synonyms for these colorful entertainers who simply want to make merry and bring a smile to your face. Sorry if it gets uncomfortable. 

- Paul

Candy Walker and Amanda Keeler

Batman

Nearly parallel to my obsession with The Joker was my love for these two fashion models who fell victim to the Smylex poison. Granted their deformed likenesses were used deceptively in a cartoonish way, but as a kid it seemed a lot less gruesome. After all, they look a lot happier. 

Scoopy The Clown

Carnival

Most recognizable as a midcentury mascot for Carnival Brand ice cream cones and plastic straws, but I'm just old enough to remember that joyous grin from the shelves of my pantry on Bennett Place in the late 1980s. Those very early memories also coincide with attending the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, so already some of my earlier examples of clowns involve sugar and spectacle. 

Pooter The Clown

Uncle Buck

He drives a mouse, he's got dildo jokes, and in the field of local live home entertainment he's a God! The ever reliable Mike Starr delivering his crass surliness under playful greasepaint is a performance we don't praise enough -- you can smell the booze. 

Sabrina Duncan, "Circus of Terror"

Charlie's Angels

In this Season 2 episode, the Angels investigate strange accidents at a Circus, and so they go undercover: Kelly poses as a stunt motorcyclist, Kris as a knife-thrower's assistant, and Sabrina becomes a clown (technically a mime but still). The only thing you really need to know is that Sabrina/Kate Jackson will forever be my favorite Angel, so this episode feels like a gift just for me. 

Grimm

Quick Change

When you think about it, lots of today's entertainers are just makeup-less clowns (I realize this isn't an epiphany, I'm aware of the evolution of Comedy over the centuries), but it becomes that much more obvious when you actually witness certain performers don the guise. In other words, the clown shoe fits Bill Murray without any stretch of the imagination. 

Zeebo, "The Tale of the Laughing in the Dark"

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I'm not pulling too much from the deep well that is "Scary Clowns" (the genre's so stale at this point), but Zeebo is more notable for a couple reasons. Technically he's a ghost that we barely actually see, which is so badass and a good example of why this series ruled. But presented here in his stiff animatronic iteration he is the most perfect design for a clown of this era -- because yes, if "90s Clown" isn't a subgenre, I'm making it one right now. 

Claire The Clown

Short Cuts

Anne Archer seemed to be in everything when I was a kid, often as frazzled and depressed women. Technically Short Cuts is no different, but under those red cheeks and green bangs I think I felt her melancholy more than in any other role. It's also the hottest she's ever looked. 

Bart's new bed, "Lisa's First Word"

The Simpsons

As a toddler, Bart graduated from crib to this surprisingly creative (though admittedly unsettling) big boy bed built by Homer. It spawned one of the show's more peripheral catchphrases, "Can't sleep, clown will eat me", becoming the mantra for the "fear of clowns" fad that still lingers around today. 

Loonette

The Big Comfy Couch

Ok, so I was about 12 or 13 when my niece started watching this in the mid 90s -- that's a very confusing age for a young boy, and my strong feelings for the high-spirited clown girl with the bouncy dark hair and the candy colored nose who'd lie on the floor with her legs in the air only confused me further. Or maybe not confused - maybe I was just discovering who I was. Thanks, Loonette. 

13 BIG HEADS!

Yes, we've heard your cries and pleas for a brief but comprehensive list of oversized noggins found in popular culture. Today those pleas shall be silenced as I present to you exactly that. You're welcome. 

- Paul

The Metalunans

This Island Earth

Don't mention his head... The Mutant gets all the glory, but it's hard to ignore the obvious malformations of Exeter, Brack, and the rest. It's meant to indicate their superior intellect, but in the end, 1950s science stuff isn't enough to save their species. 

"The Foot Soldiers Are Revolting"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

In this Season 4 episode, Shredder uses a brain-enhancing machine on one of his robot foot soldiers, thus creating a Skynet/HAL 9000 situation wherein the super smart robot leads a rebellion against its creators. How that results in a bigger head is unclear, but it definitely looks cool. 

Giant novelty head

Pee-wee's Big Adventure

I use any opportunity I get to revisit Mario's Magic Shop. The scene barely runs 2 minutes but they pack a lot in, including the limited variety of fake heads for sale: shrunken, "regular size", and this massive monstrosity that manages to overwhelm Pee-wee. 

The Easter Island Kid

The Critic

Jay's son Marty goes to school with a kid from Easter Island and he has a big stone head that resembles the statues for which the island is best known. He struggles to maintain balance under the weight of it, often falling over. That's this character's entire plot function, which fits nicely into the tone of this series. 

The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz

In reality, a mere "humbug" from Nebraska, but to his groveling subjects, a giant translucent green face surrounded by smoke and flames. In the book, only Dorothy can see him in this form, but obviously this was the biggest, loudest, most theatrical choice for his big screen depiction. 

Myron Stackpoole

Head of the Family

What list of deformities is complete without a little Full Moon madness? Myron isn't just a head (he has arms so presumably some kinda torso) but his body is mostly head (because he has super psychic powers), and through some split screen and forced perspective stuff, it's made clear that it's comically oversized. 

Littleface

Dick Tracy

Speaking of forced perspective... So here's the thing: Littleface doesn't have a big head, he has a little face. Not a knock against the movie's award winning makeup effects, but no one ever saw this and didn't describe him as "the guy with the big head." Frankly, it makes him that much more sinister and imposing than the intended "guy with a little face."

Vigo

Ghostbusters II

There's a stack of stuff I don't like about this movie, but it had an outstanding main baddie. In the film's climax, the already imposing Carpathian is sorta inexplicably reduced down to his huge melon, left only to growl and roar. My son has experienced The Shining, The Thing, Halloween, An American Werewolf in London, and It with nothing but gusto and joy, but he can't handle Big Head Vigo. 

The Beast

Poltergeist

My son also enjoyed this (though no one's immune to that face tearing bit). This movie has a lot of Final Bosses, but a lot of the threats manifest as flashing lights and possessed objects -- this is the first real Monster we see and it comes as a big surprise. Really big. 

Score All Star Baseball Cards

In 1991, Score created a "subset" of 20 special insert cards that could be found in random packs, each depicting illustrated caricatures of the best players of that season. The "exaggerated head" caricature style wasn't anything new, but it seemed awfully popular around this time, especially with Sports for some reason - which is why I can't hear "big heads" without remembering these. 

"And Maggie Makes Three"

The Simpsons

In an overly dramatized flashback described by Homer, he recalls the moment he learned Marge was pregnant with Maggie, which apparently embiggens his head like a balloon, then bursts. The popping is the punchline, but in the second before that we get this hilarious frame. 

"The Andrea Doria"

Seinfeld

Upon breaking up with him, Elaine's boyfriend's parting words are that her head is too big for her body. An otherwise harmless and baseless observation said out of spite, but the comment gnaws at her until she becomes fully convinced of this supposed deformity, believing herself to be a "walkin' candy apple". It's ridiculous, but there's mounting physical evidence throughout the episode to support her fears. 

William

So I Married an Axe Murderer

Better known as "Heed!", which is just "head" in an exaggerated Scottish accent. Actually, this character's entire purpose is to be a catalyst for Mike Myers's creative insults regarding his gargantuan cranium: "That boy's head's like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts!"