10 Tiny Treasures

Watch a movie more than once and you'll notice some of the smaller details that you missed the first time. This list, on the other hand, has absolutely nothing to do with that - there's some small stuff here but they're never not the life of the party. Some of them have magical powers, some of them have no proper function, some of them are just dollar bills y'all. The thing they have in common is I want all of them, and I have a secret hiding place set aside for each one. 

- Paul

Crystal ball

Labyrinth

Who didn't want a crystal ball just so they could do the Harlem Globetrotter shit Bowie does here? (It was the hands of a stunt "ball handler" but still.) Honestly, the crystal ball kept me invested in the movie as a kid because it hinted at the possibility of more sparkly treasure later on (there wasn't). 

Gold pen

Lethal Weapon 2

As a plot function it only existed for one scene as a means to squeeze in some of the melodramatic character development that this sequel mostly ignored. Of course I didn't recognize this when I was like 7, I just wanted the gold pen (not real gold, but in a movie that prominently features gold coins, I thought maybe?). 

Benedict's glass eyes

Last Action Hero

Many generations of children have enjoyed playing with marbles. My generation got the upgrade (downgrade?) of Pogs. These were like a combination of the two: shiny glass spheres with fun designs on them. I've wanted them-- nay, I've needed them for over 30 years, just to have and look at, or best case scenario, I lose an eye and I have to wear a different one every day. 

Petty cash box

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

This was the first time I'd ever heard of the "petty cash" concept and couldn't wait to grow up and borrow a stack of bills to buy a pair of boots and a magazine. But mostly I wanted access to a secret lockbox with little compartments inside for special things (like company funds). 

Batmobile tracer

Batman Returns

I don't know what you call this thing; Doug Jones places it under the Batmobile for the purposes of hacking into its computer. I just want it for its Tim Burton aesthetic, combining advanced technology and a candy colored paint job. 

Miniaturized furniture

Honey I Shrunk the Kids

Everything's cooler when it's miniaturized (see: Dennis Quaid), up to and including a "thinking couch" (which is just a cool idea on its own). In the movie, Matt Frewer calls it "doll furniture" that you can find at "swap meets" - when I was a kid I thought that was some kinda weird meat store and it sounded gross to me. But it also sounded like they had tiny furniture (not the Lena Dunham movie). 

Attendance and Punctuality pins

Rushmore

Cute and shiny and they also have academic recognition attached to them (sort of). I think between the two pins we'd all choose Punctuality (mostly because Attendance is lame). This is actually a treasure you can find all over Etsy. 

Owen's coin collection

Throw Momma From the Train

Perhaps the most obtainable prize on this list, and it has a context that allows us to play along at home. The collection is just an assortment of loose change with each coin evoking a different happy memory. Obviously you can do this with any object but Owen points out the otherwise unnoticed beauty of the coins themselves. (And he keeps them under a floorboard which is so rad.) 

The Black Box

Sneakers

I guess it'd be cool to hack into the government's database (even just to change our attendance records like Ferris Bueller) but I think the real joy would be having something so nefarious and sought-after that I would have to disguise it as something else to make sure no one found it. 

Model headstones

Beetlejuice

The whole damn town is depicted in model form, which would also imply the stuff we don't even see: mini Zagnut, mini whorehouse, mini prostitute ghouls. But still, I'd go with Beetlejuice's headstone, because it's already totally badass looking, and to reiterate, everything's even cooler miniaturized. 

WHAP! THWACK! SPLAT! Cum On Feel My COMIC BOOKS

My relationship with comic books is an emblematic reversal of the poles; I'll buy a comic if it's based on a movie, show, or some other previously published piece of pop. It was just part of the package: buy the poster, buy the soundtrack, buy the trading cards, buy the action figures, buy the video game, buy the t-shirt, buy the Happy Meal, buy the comic book. To me, Batman was a movie, Wonder Woman was a TV show, and Tank Girl was Lori Petty in a bra and shorts; these crude little pamphlets from which they derived were merely charming keepsakes to commemorate a larger, more interesting spectacle. That's just a pretentious way of me waggling my dick at ephemeral souvenirs; I wouldn't seek them out and keep them were I not to appreciate their sentimental value. I cherish any visual or reading additives to whatever I'm into at any given time (which is just an inventory of all the same stuff at all times) and through turmoil and tragedy, I've lost many comics, so I cherish even deeper. Here are nine (9) that need little explanation because, as noted, we already know what they're about. 

- Paul

James Bond Jr.

Does anyone remember this show except for me? It even had its own shitty SNES game and crude action figures, but I might be the only person who was familiar with the Son of 007 before I'd ever even heard of 007. When Goldeneye came out I thought it was a clever live action spinoff.

But it must've been popular enough: Hasbro and Nintendo aside, they don't give a Marvel Comic Book to just anyone - I don't care who their father is.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

For however much Elvira "stuff" there was at the height of her popularity, there wasn't nearly enough. Max Headroom had more merch and he wasn't nearly as cool or sexy. Knowing this, if you find anything pre-21st century, grab and squeeze with both hands. 

Even the quality of this isn't really cutting any mustard. I can pretend these crude underground sketches kinda match the spooky punk charisma she brings, but really she deserves more.

Labyrinth

You know how 2D cartoon characters look weird when they're 3 dimensional? I'm the same with the other way around - particularly Muppets; flat, illustrated Muppets look anatomically obscure to me.

My weird hangups aside, I have to say that, unlike nowadays, this movie version is infinitely more visually compelling than this comic book. Plus no songs. 

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Now here's a movie with merchandise! Amongst the bounty of treasures they released to promote this flick, there was a concurrent trading card and comic series released by Topps - and they were, in fact, tops.

Glossy pages of unique artwork that doesn't necessarily reflect the look of the film but compliments it in such a way that suggests "this is what the comic book version would look like."

True Stories of Adult Film Stars: Jeanna Fine

Firstly I adore the Carnal Comics logo - mostly because I love brand parody, but also because no one ever seems to dare to satirize Marvel. But this book is uninhibited in that way - in every way really.

This pulpy smut rag is cowritten by Jeanna as a sorta autobiography detailing her rise to fame - without the boring parts. It also offers me dozens of tattoo ideas.

The California Raisins 3D

To my absolute delight, they had a comic (sorta)! There was a very short series of these 3D adventures involving Big Burger and his fast food henchman causing chaos throughout Raisinville.

Sounds like the most spectacular piece of illustrated literature ever published - only to be balked by the banal gimmick of off center red and blue outlines. No maroon, no bueno. 

The Ren & Stimpy Show

All the 'toons of my youth (Beavis and Butt-head, Animaniacs, The Simpsons) got the comic treatment and I consumed them like fries. I always shopped for trading cards (R&S had them too) but if a familiar image graced the cover of a comic, I snatched it. And that was the thing with cartoons: these covers looked exactly how they looked. 

I don't digest comics well - they don't read fluidly to me. That added to the absence of the voice actors and writing that doesn't live up to the source material equals a lotta disappointment. 

The Joker

What's this?! The Jester of Genocide has his own comic?! I know, I'm sure sure there's been a million of them at this point (and a movie), but imagine my initial discovery of finding pages of just Joker without all the Batman/Bruce Wayne melodrama. 

The joy of this is the now-vintage illustrations that makes each page and incarnation look like officially licensed apparel from 1975. 

Little Monsters

These are precious - to me and in general. Outside of the pocket-sized novelization was this collection of six issues not-entirely-based on the original plot per se, but rather took us on further escapades with Brain and Maurice.

As a concept, it's just more Little Monsters, and in my mind that feels like a movie franchise or TV series, but apparently this is just how comic books work. Now if they'd just make movies out of 'em...

5 Tattoos I Need

   The goal with covering my body with tattoos is to take them with me to the afterlife, and hopefully spend eternity reliving all of the beautiful and wonderful things that touched me when I was alive. And this is a good scientific goal in theory because for some inexplicable reason, ghosts seem to be able to take their clothes and old pianos with them. This shit is real. And I know that I want to forever remember my fond affections for both Hans Moleman and big lady asses. 

   They're addictive and I don't get a fix nearly enough. It's an unfair combination consisting of extreme popularity of our insanely talented tattoo artist, and general lack of funds. But the time spent between appointments allows for dwelling, list making, revisiting folders of ideas, and digging deep within my soul, to compile what I truly desire. And over the years there have been a select few that I have not yet acquired, but hold highest priority above all others. For either the aforementioned reasons, or the sad fact that I simply cannot find/draw/commission a satisfying image for my concept because it's too esoteric, these five IDEAS remain my holy grail of epidermis collage. 

- Babes

5. Candy Land Characters Collage

  There's nothing more sad in this world than an only child with no friends, and a closet full of board games. That is, unless you have an imagination. I turned each and every one of the colorful cards into its own character with backstory and directed a whole production revolving around the board. My first movie. And I want a print of it to show the world. 

4. Klopek

   Everyone loves their dog. And their dogs love them more. But Klopek is weird, just like his namesake. After a few days being with us, having been rescued from a woman that made him spend his life in a travel crate, I discovered that he wanted me to hold him like a baby and rub his belly. He had found home and was able to find peace. He was grateful and able to begin a new life. We both were. And we rested on each other for 13 years of snuggles and love that runs as deeply as with my own flesh and blood. He is my family, my loyal friend, and the eternal optimist that shines a bright beam of sunlight in my life. 

3. Zoltar

  I believe in magic. Whether this subject can all be explained with a rational scientific explanation or not, it exists. There have been writings about it all throughout human history. And every single person has their first experience with it whether be it fiction or reality. Mine was a great story. It has a machine with an animatronic head, that's eyes lights up, and grants a wish. And a boy wakes up as a man. Anything is possible, and I want to remember that forever.

2. Xenomorph

  Alien is scary. When you watch the movie when you're 16, your nerves are on edge due to the poignant mood and lighting. When you're 10, you feel the walls closing in around you, as Dallas navigates the tunnels, searching for death. It's the best movie, because it continues to surprise me, challenge, and frighten me, after all these years. But way back then, when that very little girl was sitting in the dark, watching the horror movie; the monster, the Alien, the Xenomorph, was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. And I still have nightmares to this day. And so, this one is a gamble. On the one hand, I could carry with me the love and sense of awe for this piece of art, and then it could go the other way, and I could spend my post-existence running from the embodiment of all that I fear. Needless to say, as much as I want and need this, I am hesitant. 

1. David Bowie

   I already have a David Bowie tattoo. I got it immediately after he died. It's a red heart, with a blue lightning bolt going through it, to signify that the heart is broken. It also commemorates his years of life on Earth. It's a memorial that I wear to mark the loss of my favorite artist of all. But now that some time has passed, and I have had some more time to evaluate the profoundly positive effects that his body of work has done for me, it is time for an intricately detailed permanent expression of those feelings. 

Babes's Top 10 Anthems

   

   Everything is connected - a phrase so clichè and overused that it has truly lost all meaning. And that is humanity's greatest folly. Billions of years ago, the world was littered with luscious greenery and vibrant flowers. As my son's favorite children's book said, "Things can sometimes move very slowly here on Earth." So, one day, all at once, the plant life all listened to each other, and a collective conscious was born. It is with that that the first flesh living organism was created. We needed a louder vibration. But it would be a long time before we could even scratch that itch.

   As differently as each human being looks, each person gives off a different vibrational flow. And that is precisely why no two persons' taste in art is exactly the same. We can oversimplify by saying that "I" don't like this song, or that painting hurts "my" eyes. Dig deeper. Ignore the me and my. Reject the ego. Listen to the actual voice that is buzzing inside of you. These songs have been casting a shadow inside of me for sometime.

- Babes


10. Tusk - Fleetwood Mac

  Tusk, for me, is artistically a great example of human sexual emotion. With every lamb slap beat I legitimately feel my pelvis thrust.


9. This Corrosion - Sisters of Mercy

 Power-est song.


8. Message From the Country - The Move

 For millennia, generations of worshippers of all religions have been desperate to achieve the so-called enlightenment. If you can disappear into the woods alone for a little while, sit on a mountain ledge, and listen to this while taking it all in, you will undoubetly get close this.


7. Ride - Lana Del Rey

 For all of the women in history who have allegedly helmed 'making it cool' to be sexy, I truly believe that this woman-teen is the first. Writing songs about nothing at all and making them sound like echoes on a warm night on the beach. Truly encapsulating that feeling of nothingness and loneliness, and wanting and having, and being and knowing. You can find her on the street you're on if you're also tired of feeling fucking crazy.


6. Down in the Park - Gary Numan and The Tubeway Army

 Blackest black and darkest reds. Sweet wines flowing and the spins. Born of the wrong time no matter what generation I was born to. Everything blends together melds together and is held together. And then always bleeds and falls apart. It's always the same. 


5. Sunny Afternoon - The Kinks

 It can all look like sweat dripping down your back and wet sinful backyard barbecues, but it's undercut with the cruelness of monotony and the ugliness of the under-cherished. It's not as beautiful as your think. And definitely not as warm.


4. Waiting for the Miracle - Leonard Cohen

 'Twas the Master among many poets that wanted the world to heed his message. He used his secondary gift to alert the world of its atrocities and misgivings and crow the many blessings for the righteous. To the few of us that heard the calls, take it in deep, and to the very end. He is one of the closest any one of us has gotten to God, as evidence by his life and body of work.


3. Venus in Furs - The Velvet Underground

 After years of ultra feminism and upper-handedness, and surprisingly much behind the times, I finally put my hand in my panties while watching a dirty movie. Understandably I found the vulgarity and hostility in the male to be quite brazen, so I decided to drown him out with music. In the following scene there were two girls. It was well lit, and it would appear that these two individuals were enjoying themselves. I don't know if it was the movement of their bodies flowing in a synchronized way or if it was his voice, but I came so hard that I let out an audible moan. Something I'd never done before in my many previously private moments.


2. Life On Mars - David Bowie

 In the 6th grade we had to fill out one of those generic 'favorite' lists. What will little Jessica Pearl be when she grows up? I said I wanted to be David Bowie. At age 7 I probably would have said Beetlejuice. Bowie still reigns. I will never think I'm cool, sexy, fun, attractive, well-dressed, or any number of things, because I can never match my muse. I live it every day. I breathe his soul and mourn his loss like a quarter of my heart is gone. All of his songs are my favorite. This one happens to be the song of his for the day.


1. While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles

 I am sent back in time immediately to a time when an old life ended and a brand new life began. It is my anthem. A poem written just for me, inexplicably before I was ever even thought of, by the most popular band in the world. And I am deeply indebted.

BENNETT INVENTORY : Top 20 (Songs)

Paul's List

1. "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister
     The childish lyrics of this radio-heavy 80s zone-out aren't able to take any points away from the all time ultimate bass/synth groove. The song literally begins with a sigh of relief, followed by a true oxymoron of a mood: intense contentment.

2. "Drowse" by Queen
    Serving suggestion : wait for the hottest day of the year, stare blankly into the orange haze, and turn the knob up to 11.

3. "These Dreams" by Heart
   The hard liquor energy of 70s Heart turned into Cherry Coke in the 80s, and the fizzy sugar high of this power ballad proves that soft rock did, at one point in time, rock.

4. "Yer Blues" by The Beatles
   A gritty downer of a jam from the band best known for writing original melodies about peace and love, it also marks one of their last true collaborations as a quartet.

5. "Your Love" by The Outfield
   This is the sound of feathered hair and leather jackets from Sears. Play Loud.

6. "Little Lies" by Fleetwood Mac
   Buckingham and Nicks may have dominated the band's best stuff in the 70s, but I'm a Christine McVie-in-the 80s fan; her consistently somber tone gets a lot more colorful with some electronic ham and cheese.

7. "Against the Wind" by Bob Seger
   When you're 19, you think, "Hey, this song could be about me!" By the time you're 30, you know it is.

8. "He's a Rebel" by The Crystals
    Written by Gene Pitney, produced by Phil Spector, sung with defiant "Fuck you" fervor by The Crystals. You can't fit more than that into a single song.

9. "Kill You" by Eminem
    In a genre of overproduced egotism and lazy sampling, Mr. Mathers destroys the competition by openly posing a serious threat to society with little more than the beat of his own flow.

10. "Keeping the Faith" by Billy Joel
   The King of Nostalgia packs it all into a song that recalls the Motown era, while simultaneously paying tribute to it.

11. "Man, I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain
   Maybe the most ripping chorus of any song -- if you don't dance, you're either a Nazi, or you're dead.

12. "Work Me, Lord" by Janis Joplin
   If Otis Redding passed the R&B torch to Janis, then the flame went out when she left us: most evident in this song that rises and builds to a mountain of blusey and boozy lament.

13. "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" by Hall and Oates
   A dark-sounding song that suggests a sense of urgency mixed with a sinister sexuality, implied by a halting beat and fairy dust keyboards. Good for city driving at night.

14. "Baby Come Back" by Player
   Less about lost love, more about the visceral vibe of an era: it tastes like tequila and smells like jacuzzi steam. Very highly singable.

15. "Take it Easy" by The Eagles
   Another sermon from the mountain that speaks very loudly to an angry young man with no easily defined problems.

16. "Lover Please" by Clyde McPhatter
   Listen to this while driving, and you will violate traffic laws.

17. "Send Me An Angel" by Real Life
    A windstorm of electronic New Wave that's just menacing enough that you can't quite dance to it.

18. "Crazy For You" by Madonna
   Madge always did ballads right, the way that only she could: hauntingly sultry in lieu of sappy gloom. This song is the best example of that, and it's also the first 'new' song I can remember liking.

19. "Glad All Over" by Dave Clark Five
   Forget Kool + The Gang - this reigns as the Number 1 Celebratory Anthem.

20. "Rosanna" by Toto
   Picking a favorite Toto song is nearly as hard as picking a favorite Beatles song. But whenever I feel as tired of "Rosanna" as everyone else seems to be, I still find myself getting excited every time it comes on (which has been once every 10 minutes since 1982).







Babes's List

1. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by The Beatles
   This is definitely the most influential piece of art in my life. Listen to it with your eyes closed and you will see into George Harrison's soul.

2. "Moonage Daydream" by David Bowie
   This is the closest that any musician has ever come to being able to audibly and lyrically recreate an orgasm.

3. Road To Nowhere" by Talking Heads
   We are all one beautiful mess trying to find our way.

4. "Sunny Afternoon" by The Kinks
   This has always been my favorite song to sing along with. It just has one of the most calming melodies.

5. "California Dreamin'" by The Mamas and the Papas
   I feel like this song has been playing back on a loop in my mind for decades.

6. "A Quick One, While He's Away (live)" by The Who
   I feel like my spirit is on fire when I hear this at top volume.

7. "The Air That I Breath" by The Hollies
   Arguably the most romantic song of all time. It will always make me think of us.

8. "I'm Your Boogie Man" by KC and the Sunshine Band
   I'm sure in a past life I would roller skate in cut-offs and knee socks to this disco anthem.

9. "Sad Songs Say So Much" by Elton John
   The best upbeat melancholy tune to lean on.

10. "I Can't Decide" by Scissor Sisters
   It was tough picking a favorite song by this out-of-this-world pop group. I chose this one because of how chipper it is about wanting someone dead.

11. "I Wanna Be Your Dog" by The Stooges
   Iggy Pop has always had a thing for prominently displaying his dick in music. I get it.

12. "Live to Tell" by Madonna
   My "this song is about me" song.

13. "Let It Loose" by The Rolling Stones
   I feel like Mick Jagger is channeling me to quit grieving when I listen.

14. "Take Me Home" by Phil Collins
   It always makes me wanna get to Paul as fast as I can.

15. "The Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash
   So honest and powerful about faith that it nearly converts me.

16. "Promises Promises" by Naked Eyes
  Perhaps the greatest B-Side of all time.

17. "Hypnotize" by The Notorious BIG
   Rap was at its peak at the height of his popularity and I genuinely believe the genre died with him.

18. "Golden Brown" by The Stranglers
   A love letter to hardcore drugs. Truly erotic and equally terrifying.

19. "Waiting for the Miracle" by Leonard Cohen
   This whole album was completed by someone just coming out of a several year stint as a monk. You can feel Cohen facing his inner demons, especially with this song.

20. "Message From the Country" by The Move
      You don't need drugs to twirl around to this. Just do it.