There Ought to be (more) Clowns!

Here I am to pay tribute to even more marginalized mimes and pranksters from Pop Culture that hold a place in my heart. Pretty quickly after compiling the first list I thought of a bunch more examples of these candy-colored crusaders that excite and inspire me - because these are really the only kindsa things I think about. (Don't be surprised if this isn't the last list.) Honk! Honk! 

- Paul

Marie and Michelle

Requiem For a Vampire

The film opens with these two young ladies, dressed as clowns, being pursued in a car chase/shootout. We're never really made aware as to who is chasing them or why, or why they're dressed as clowns, but everything considered amounts to what is maybe the greatest movie opening of all time - or at least one that seems to've been custom-made for me. 

Jangles the Clown

Inside Out

He's meant to be scary -- actually he's a manifestation of deep, dark fears (and coincidentally shares a scene with Bill Hader). But he obviously doesn't come across as too terrifying in this PG Pixar movie (I guess he'd count as a "mild thematic element"), and instead has an otherwise lovable dopiness about him that feels more like the foil from older Disney films; he very much gives the same mood as the giant from 1947's Mickey and the Beanstalk.

Sticky the Clown

Married... With Children

Hired by Peg as a surprise for Bud's 18th Birthday party, Sticky is a former TV Clown who's just been paroled from prison as part of a work release program. His props include a flask of hard liquor and a hunting knife. Other than that, the only thing we know about him is that we shouldn't confuse him with a clown who given a damn. 

Sex-Head and Death-Head

31

The World of Rob Zombie leaves us no shortage of clowns, but I feel compelled to pay homage to this natural born killer couple who seem to love each other as much as they love stabbing people. Obviously my big draw here is E. G. Daily in clown drag, but I wanna give extra recognition to Torsten Voges who's made a career out of weaponizing his German accent to comic crescendos, from Lords of Salem to Seinfeld to Big Lebowski ("I fuck you!").

Buttons the Clown

The Greatest Show on Earth

Two important elements that haven't come up very much on my lists are The Circus, and "The Tragic Clown", and this movie has both of those covered. Despite his otherwise recognizable physicality, Jimmy Stewart is completely disguised in the role (until he speaks of course). Really the main draw is the fashion: the raggedy button-down and fedora combo of his off duty wardrobe feels like an overlap of Silver Age Joker and the Heath Ledger version.

Johnny Clay

The Killing

Let's face it: "clowns as gangsters" is undeniably cool. But the wonderful contrast here is that there's nothing bubbly or jovial or clownish about Sterling Hayden in general, and if anything he's even more stern and grumbly once he puts on the mask. But again, this one's all about style for me: the whole ensemble with the gloves and the gun and the almost expressionless mask is a Halloween costume goal. Or just to wear around the house or to Target or wherever. 

David Bowie

"Ashes to Ashes"

I'm definitely of two minds on the idea of "The Music Video". On the one hand, I've found them to be the richest example of what filmmaking and the moving picture can achieve. On the other hand, I find it inconvenient that so many of them dominate the imagery in my head when I hear certain songs. Having said that, I can't hear one note of this song without picturing Bowie in his Pagliacci-inspired getup. 

Steve Mahanahan's Child Clown Outlet

Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job

I haven't addressed too many "creepy clowns" because meh. But one of the joys of this recurring sketch is its very unsettling subtext; beneath the enthusiastic veneer of business owner Steve Mahanahan is a grim darkness that certainly involves kidnapping, abuse, and probably some kinda trafficking situation. If all of that's too disturbing, they've got fudge!

Doo Doo the Clown

Billy Madison

It took me years to warm up to this movie, and when my snobbery finally lifted it was due, in part, to Doo Doo. It was during its one millionth broadcast on TV, a little over two thirds into the film when the entire cast bands together for a Busby Berkeley song & dance sequence and its sorta brilliant absurdity finally and wholly sank in on me, and its peak surrealist moment was when the barely-referenced Doo Doo the Clown sings a verse to assure the audience that he is, in fact, not dead. 

Clown Surgeon

Pee-wee's Big Adventure

Like Pee-wee rescuing the snakes from the burning pet shop, I put it off as long as I could; this movie features several spectacular clowns, to the point that I felt it was all just too obvious and easy. But I couldn't resist, and my choice goes to the scary doctor operating on Pee-wee's bike. It's most effective because it's played as a shocking reveal that he's a clown, and it's done mostly with performance (the actor's credit is a mystery) and very minimal makeup. (Again, a very easy but effective Halloween costume idea!)

'76 Done Dirt Cheap

Now come. Come, take my hand, and if you dare, sheathe your sword to its hilt. Are you up to it?

I hadn't really intended to do any kinda 1976 Anniversary Retrospective - mostly because it can sometimes get tedious trying to champion the years before I was born; it's a challenge attempting to repackage another generation's nostalgia using a Peter Frampton album and a season of Three's Company as my only tools. So, I went to the movies. Music and sitcoms and World Events can all work together to create a palpable vibe, but my pompous ass will always evaluate the merits of any given year (in the 20th Century) based on its Cinema. And when I laid the flicks of '76 out in front of me, something became startlingly apparent: 1976 was raunchy! 

Lewd. Grubby. Obscene. Exploitation Cinema wasn't even a genre, it was just the tone of the entirety of movies. Think of the most prominent films of that year: Taxi Driver, Carrie, The Omen, The Enforcer, King Kong, Marathon Man. Hal Holbrook as Deep Throat. Gene Wilder in blackface. Peter Finch got so mad he literally died. The Best Picture winner ends with two guys beating the shit out of each other. Kris Kristofferson reprised a role previously inhabited by James Mason. Mainstream movies in 1976 may've just been the apex of what we talk about when we talk about "1970s Cinema": underdogs, antiheroes, alienation, cynicism, revenge, sex, violence, depravity, monsters, and mayhem. And those are just the Award and Box Office Winners. 

Over at the Drive-Ins and Grindhouses and the various seedy "Districts" of metropolitan areas was where the real action was - not because of the content, but because of the budgets. As I just pointed out, gritty realism and taboo subject matter was the mood of most movies at the time, so the smaller stuff wasn't necessarily marginalized for its substance, they simply didn't have the money for a wide release. Ironically, it wasn't until the 1980s, when videotape made everything that much more available, that the cold wave of censorship crashed down onto every artistic medium. It's really only been during this current century that a lot of these "undiscovered gems" have been brought to our attention as they've become readily available (and often meticulously restored), and it's because of that movement that I've been able to get a more full-bodied feel of the supposed Greatest Decade of Film.

It's funny because I find 1976 to be the weakest of the era, in terms of mainstream. But once we begin to veer off the road, even just a little bit, things definitely get more interesting. With a few exceptions, Horror was still stuck in "spooky" mode even after four years following The Exorcist (and eight years after Rosemary's Baby), but there were still some effective riffs in that spirit. And while Jaws ignited the brief (but robust) Natural Horror subgenre, the Slasher really started to take shape (for better or worse). In hindsight, Horror was tame - it was the Comedy and Action and Western and Drama categories that suddenly became saturated in blood and nudity and fire and bullets. (Obviously this is why all the Sex and Crime movies went so hard during this period.) I suppose it's pertinent to point out that STAR WARS would be released the following year, thus creating the abstract equation that fun + optimism = $$. By that measure, 1976 was that darkest darkness before the dawn, when moviegoers supposedly preferred to witness society through a mirror of bleak despair - before the Rebel Alliance came and washed all the scum off the streets. 

- Paul

1. All the President's Men

Admittedly, my favorite movie of the year is the most button-down - but still, with an anti-establishment edge. On the surface, it's a True Crime Biopic without any of the tedious hallmarks you'd find in stuff made today. At base level, it's a circus where we get to watch exposed politicians crumble under the pressure. At its heart, it's some of the coolest actors of the era bantering their way through a William Goldman screenplay - a situation that can only be improved by a Ned Beatty cameo. 

2. Up!

One could say they don't make 'em like this anymore, but the truth is that nobody ever made 'em like this! -- not even Russ Meyer. His ability to design shots and orchestrate edits was evident throughout his entire career, but now he (along with Roger Ebert) was writing material that allowed him to push those abilities to their extremes, giving us a live action dirty comic that defies the laws of nature, sex, and good taste. This is my favorite of his. 

3. Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw

Two young lovers with nothin' better to do. There were at least a few dozen versions of this setup throughout the decade, all with different tones and styles and budgets. This one's played mostly for laughs, but Lynda Carter as Bobbie Jo plays it straight, and her commitment to the bit is what saves the whole show from total schlock (in spite of costar Marjoe Gortner's efforts).

4. Dark August

Traditional storytelling demands that the action should build towards something. The entirety of this movie is just the aftermath of that something, which manifests mostly as demons, real and/or imagined. It's Jacob's Ladder with some Don't Look Now mixed into a rural Vermont setting, which is a pretty accurate depiction of August in general. 

5. Mother, Jugs & Speed

Not a lotta Comedies around this time, and even this one squeezes in a lotta dark stuff that only works in this specific climate. Aside from being legitimately funny, it's blissfully aimless in its narrative, making it a mostly comfortable hangout that helps one to realize just how lame that year's Car Wash really is. 

6. Taxi Driver

I don't wanna waste this space talking about how "important" it is and just say that, subjectively, it's a really neat movie to watch for a teenage boy who's getting into Film. And it's an amazing achievement for a young director and a young actor so early in their respective careers. Since then they've outdone themselves many times over and I continue to look at this as a fantastic early effort (I like Mean Streets more), but if there's something that makes it stand out in Marty's body of work, it's definitely the rough grittiness of the production value that's been absent from his stuff for decades. 

7. The Great Texas Dynamite Chase

Surprisingly the only Roger Corman production on this list, but it's definitely one of the better ones. A gender swap Butch & Sundance yarn wasn't exactly groundbreaking, but the thing that makes it stand out in this genre (or really any movie of this time period) is that it doesn't go out of its way to leave you feeling depressed by the end. 

8. Eaten Alive

Tobe Hooper's followup to Texas Chain Saw was further proof that his strong suit in the 70s was atmosphere - though this was a conspicuous pivot from rough realism into cartoonish pageantry. The colored stage lighting and exaggerated performances make it a lot less scary but a lot more weird; it's totally a vibe. 

9. Alice Sweet Alice

The gradual merger of Italian Giallos and American Whodunnits gives birth to the Slasher Flick -- and so we start to get cool masks. Always noted as Brooke Shields's first screen appearance, but that useless trivia always seems to overshadow any due praise for the remarkable performance of costar Paula Sheppard - for me she's the singular reason to watch this movie. 

10. The Man Who Fell to Earth

The greatest Biopic of David Bowie that will ever get made. In all seriousness, any plot stuff that doesn't involve him, or scenes that he's not in, are the weakest moments of the whole picture.

11. Network

Of all the social commentary of the moment, this one is the most timeless (and also the most clumsily brazen and repetitive with its themes). At its heart, it's some of the coolest actors of the era bantering their way through a Paddy Chyefsky screenplay - a situation that can only be improved by a Ned Beatty cameo. 

12. Drive-In Massacre

The stupid dialogue and stiff acting is maybe funny for a minute but I'm not here for that. I'm here for the gore (which is cheap but creative and excessive) and for the honest-to-god, shot-on-location actual drive-in that so closely resembles the drive-in I grew up attending. If it isn't already, this movie should be a part of The Library of Congress for depicting and preserving such a prominent piece of American Culture. 

13. Carrie

You're laughing? Charlie Cheswick is getting electrocuted and you're laughing? Still waiting for the Hollywood adaptation where Carrie White isn't some objectively gorgeous actress, but that's sorta irrelevant in this hyper stylized De Palma melodrama that makes The Shining feel like Cinéma Vérité; the Prom climax steps away from Hitchcock and closer to Argento, and that's when Brian really dazzles - in any movie. 

14. The Missouri Breaks

What was Colonel Kurtz like in the weeks leading up to his termination? Probably like the violent, crazy sonofabitch he plays here. The scenes between Brando and Nicholson are most fascinating; Jack is supposed to be intimidated, but is it performance or is he truly in awe of The Master? Or is he threatened by someone who's clearly more mad than he? The "Jack Nicholson Western" is a narrow subgenre and this one's my favorite. 

15. The Pom Pom Girls

Major criticism right off the bat: the titular "Pom Pom Girls" receive very little screentime and even less to do with what they get; the five female "leads" mostly sit on the sidelines so the guys can navigate their way through the most laughably macho storylines you could imagine in a Drive-In Sex Comedy. But once again, like the other low budget, lowbrow pulp movies of the moment, it provides the most accurate and nuanced time capsule of this generation that we could ever hope for. That makes it engrossing. 

10 Tiny Treasures

Watch a movie more than once and you'll notice some of the smaller details that you missed the first time. This list, on the other hand, has absolutely nothing to do with that - there's some small stuff here but they're never not the life of the party. Some of them have magical powers, some of them have no proper function, some of them are just dollar bills y'all. The thing they have in common is I want all of them, and I have a secret hiding place set aside for each one. 

- Paul

Crystal ball

Labyrinth

Who didn't want a crystal ball just so they could do the Harlem Globetrotter shit Bowie does here? (It was the hands of a stunt "ball handler" but still.) Honestly, the crystal ball kept me invested in the movie as a kid because it hinted at the possibility of more sparkly treasure later on (there wasn't). 

Gold pen

Lethal Weapon 2

As a plot function it only existed for one scene as a means to squeeze in some of the melodramatic character development that this sequel mostly ignored. Of course I didn't recognize this when I was like 7, I just wanted the gold pen (not real gold, but in a movie that prominently features gold coins, I thought maybe?). 

Benedict's glass eyes

Last Action Hero

Many generations of children have enjoyed playing with marbles. My generation got the upgrade (downgrade?) of Pogs. These were like a combination of the two: shiny glass spheres with fun designs on them. I've wanted them-- nay, I've needed them for over 30 years, just to have and look at, or best case scenario, I lose an eye and I have to wear a different one every day. 

Petty cash box

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

This was the first time I'd ever heard of the "petty cash" concept and couldn't wait to grow up and borrow a stack of bills to buy a pair of boots and a magazine. But mostly I wanted access to a secret lockbox with little compartments inside for special things (like company funds). 

Batmobile tracer

Batman Returns

I don't know what you call this thing; Doug Jones places it under the Batmobile for the purposes of hacking into its computer. I just want it for its Tim Burton aesthetic, combining advanced technology and a candy colored paint job. 

Miniaturized furniture

Honey I Shrunk the Kids

Everything's cooler when it's miniaturized (see: Dennis Quaid), up to and including a "thinking couch" (which is just a cool idea on its own). In the movie, Matt Frewer calls it "doll furniture" that you can find at "swap meets" - when I was a kid I thought that was some kinda weird meat store and it sounded gross to me. But it also sounded like they had tiny furniture (not the Lena Dunham movie). 

Attendance and Punctuality pins

Rushmore

Cute and shiny and they also have academic recognition attached to them (sort of). I think between the two pins we'd all choose Punctuality (mostly because Attendance is lame). This is actually a treasure you can find all over Etsy. 

Owen's coin collection

Throw Momma From the Train

Perhaps the most obtainable prize on this list, and it has a context that allows us to play along at home. The collection is just an assortment of loose change with each coin evoking a different happy memory. Obviously you can do this with any object but Owen points out the otherwise unnoticed beauty of the coins themselves. (And he keeps them under a floorboard which is so rad.) 

The Black Box

Sneakers

I guess it'd be cool to hack into the government's database (even just to change our attendance records like Ferris Bueller) but I think the real joy would be having something so nefarious and sought-after that I would have to disguise it as something else to make sure no one found it. 

Model headstones

Beetlejuice

The whole damn town is depicted in model form, which would also imply the stuff we don't even see: mini Zagnut, mini whorehouse, mini prostitute ghouls. But still, I'd go with Beetlejuice's headstone, because it's already totally badass looking, and to reiterate, everything's even cooler miniaturized. 

WHAP! THWACK! SPLAT! Cum On Feel My COMIC BOOKS

My relationship with comic books is an emblematic reversal of the poles; I'll buy a comic if it's based on a movie, show, or some other previously published piece of pop. It was just part of the package: buy the poster, buy the soundtrack, buy the trading cards, buy the action figures, buy the video game, buy the t-shirt, buy the Happy Meal, buy the comic book. To me, Batman was a movie, Wonder Woman was a TV show, and Tank Girl was Lori Petty in a bra and shorts; these crude little pamphlets from which they derived were merely charming keepsakes to commemorate a larger, more interesting spectacle. That's just a pretentious way of me waggling my dick at ephemeral souvenirs; I wouldn't seek them out and keep them were I not to appreciate their sentimental value. I cherish any visual or reading additives to whatever I'm into at any given time (which is just an inventory of all the same stuff at all times) and through turmoil and tragedy, I've lost many comics, so I cherish even deeper. Here are nine (9) that need little explanation because, as noted, we already know what they're about. 

- Paul

James Bond Jr.

Does anyone remember this show except for me? It even had its own shitty SNES game and crude action figures, but I might be the only person who was familiar with the Son of 007 before I'd ever even heard of 007. When Goldeneye came out I thought it was a clever live action spinoff.

But it must've been popular enough: Hasbro and Nintendo aside, they don't give a Marvel Comic Book to just anyone - I don't care who their father is.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

For however much Elvira "stuff" there was at the height of her popularity, there wasn't nearly enough. Max Headroom had more merch and he wasn't nearly as cool or sexy. Knowing this, if you find anything pre-21st century, grab and squeeze with both hands. 

Even the quality of this isn't really cutting any mustard. I can pretend these crude underground sketches kinda match the spooky punk charisma she brings, but really she deserves more.

Labyrinth

You know how 2D cartoon characters look weird when they're 3 dimensional? I'm the same with the other way around - particularly Muppets; flat, illustrated Muppets look anatomically obscure to me.

My weird hangups aside, I have to say that, unlike nowadays, this movie version is infinitely more visually compelling than this comic book. Plus no songs. 

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Now here's a movie with merchandise! Amongst the bounty of treasures they released to promote this flick, there was a concurrent trading card and comic series released by Topps - and they were, in fact, tops.

Glossy pages of unique artwork that doesn't necessarily reflect the look of the film but compliments it in such a way that suggests "this is what the comic book version would look like."

True Stories of Adult Film Stars: Jeanna Fine

Firstly I adore the Carnal Comics logo - mostly because I love brand parody, but also because no one ever seems to dare to satirize Marvel. But this book is uninhibited in that way - in every way really.

This pulpy smut rag is cowritten by Jeanna as a sorta autobiography detailing her rise to fame - without the boring parts. It also offers me dozens of tattoo ideas.

The California Raisins 3D

To my absolute delight, they had a comic (sorta)! There was a very short series of these 3D adventures involving Big Burger and his fast food henchman causing chaos throughout Raisinville.

Sounds like the most spectacular piece of illustrated literature ever published - only to be balked by the banal gimmick of off center red and blue outlines. No maroon, no bueno. 

The Ren & Stimpy Show

All the 'toons of my youth (Beavis and Butt-head, Animaniacs, The Simpsons) got the comic treatment and I consumed them like fries. I always shopped for trading cards (R&S had them too) but if a familiar image graced the cover of a comic, I snatched it. And that was the thing with cartoons: these covers looked exactly how they looked. 

I don't digest comics well - they don't read fluidly to me. That added to the absence of the voice actors and writing that doesn't live up to the source material equals a lotta disappointment. 

The Joker

What's this?! The Jester of Genocide has his own comic?! I know, I'm sure sure there's been a million of them at this point (and a movie), but imagine my initial discovery of finding pages of just Joker without all the Batman/Bruce Wayne melodrama. 

The joy of this is the now-vintage illustrations that makes each page and incarnation look like officially licensed apparel from 1975. 

Little Monsters

These are precious - to me and in general. Outside of the pocket-sized novelization was this collection of six issues not-entirely-based on the original plot per se, but rather took us on further escapades with Brain and Maurice.

As a concept, it's just more Little Monsters, and in my mind that feels like a movie franchise or TV series, but apparently this is just how comic books work. Now if they'd just make movies out of 'em...

5 Tattoos I Need

   The goal with covering my body with tattoos is to take them with me to the afterlife, and hopefully spend eternity reliving all of the beautiful and wonderful things that touched me when I was alive. And this is a good scientific goal in theory because for some inexplicable reason, ghosts seem to be able to take their clothes and old pianos with them. This shit is real. And I know that I want to forever remember my fond affections for both Hans Moleman and big lady asses. 

   They're addictive and I don't get a fix nearly enough. It's an unfair combination consisting of extreme popularity of our insanely talented tattoo artist, and general lack of funds. But the time spent between appointments allows for dwelling, list making, revisiting folders of ideas, and digging deep within my soul, to compile what I truly desire. And over the years there have been a select few that I have not yet acquired, but hold highest priority above all others. For either the aforementioned reasons, or the sad fact that I simply cannot find/draw/commission a satisfying image for my concept because it's too esoteric, these five IDEAS remain my holy grail of epidermis collage. 

- Babes

5. Candy Land Characters Collage

  There's nothing more sad in this world than an only child with no friends, and a closet full of board games. That is, unless you have an imagination. I turned each and every one of the colorful cards into its own character with backstory and directed a whole production revolving around the board. My first movie. And I want a print of it to show the world. 

4. Klopek

   Everyone loves their dog. And their dogs love them more. But Klopek is weird, just like his namesake. After a few days being with us, having been rescued from a woman that made him spend his life in a travel crate, I discovered that he wanted me to hold him like a baby and rub his belly. He had found home and was able to find peace. He was grateful and able to begin a new life. We both were. And we rested on each other for 13 years of snuggles and love that runs as deeply as with my own flesh and blood. He is my family, my loyal friend, and the eternal optimist that shines a bright beam of sunlight in my life. 

3. Zoltar

  I believe in magic. Whether this subject can all be explained with a rational scientific explanation or not, it exists. There have been writings about it all throughout human history. And every single person has their first experience with it whether be it fiction or reality. Mine was a great story. It has a machine with an animatronic head, that's eyes lights up, and grants a wish. And a boy wakes up as a man. Anything is possible, and I want to remember that forever.

2. Xenomorph

  Alien is scary. When you watch the movie when you're 16, your nerves are on edge due to the poignant mood and lighting. When you're 10, you feel the walls closing in around you, as Dallas navigates the tunnels, searching for death. It's the best movie, because it continues to surprise me, challenge, and frighten me, after all these years. But way back then, when that very little girl was sitting in the dark, watching the horror movie; the monster, the Alien, the Xenomorph, was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. And I still have nightmares to this day. And so, this one is a gamble. On the one hand, I could carry with me the love and sense of awe for this piece of art, and then it could go the other way, and I could spend my post-existence running from the embodiment of all that I fear. Needless to say, as much as I want and need this, I am hesitant. 

1. David Bowie

   I already have a David Bowie tattoo. I got it immediately after he died. It's a red heart, with a blue lightning bolt going through it, to signify that the heart is broken. It also commemorates his years of life on Earth. It's a memorial that I wear to mark the loss of my favorite artist of all. But now that some time has passed, and I have had some more time to evaluate the profoundly positive effects that his body of work has done for me, it is time for an intricately detailed permanent expression of those feelings. 

Babes's Top 10 Anthems

   

   Everything is connected - a phrase so clichè and overused that it has truly lost all meaning. And that is humanity's greatest folly. Billions of years ago, the world was littered with luscious greenery and vibrant flowers. As my son's favorite children's book said, "Things can sometimes move very slowly here on Earth." So, one day, all at once, the plant life all listened to each other, and a collective conscious was born. It is with that that the first flesh living organism was created. We needed a louder vibration. But it would be a long time before we could even scratch that itch.

   As differently as each human being looks, each person gives off a different vibrational flow. And that is precisely why no two persons' taste in art is exactly the same. We can oversimplify by saying that "I" don't like this song, or that painting hurts "my" eyes. Dig deeper. Ignore the me and my. Reject the ego. Listen to the actual voice that is buzzing inside of you. These songs have been casting a shadow inside of me for sometime.

- Babes


10. Tusk - Fleetwood Mac

  Tusk, for me, is artistically a great example of human sexual emotion. With every lamb slap beat I legitimately feel my pelvis thrust.


9. This Corrosion - Sisters of Mercy

 Power-est song.


8. Message From the Country - The Move

 For millennia, generations of worshippers of all religions have been desperate to achieve the so-called enlightenment. If you can disappear into the woods alone for a little while, sit on a mountain ledge, and listen to this while taking it all in, you will undoubetly get close this.


7. Ride - Lana Del Rey

 For all of the women in history who have allegedly helmed 'making it cool' to be sexy, I truly believe that this woman-teen is the first. Writing songs about nothing at all and making them sound like echoes on a warm night on the beach. Truly encapsulating that feeling of nothingness and loneliness, and wanting and having, and being and knowing. You can find her on the street you're on if you're also tired of feeling fucking crazy.


6. Down in the Park - Gary Numan and The Tubeway Army

 Blackest black and darkest reds. Sweet wines flowing and the spins. Born of the wrong time no matter what generation I was born to. Everything blends together melds together and is held together. And then always bleeds and falls apart. It's always the same. 


5. Sunny Afternoon - The Kinks

 It can all look like sweat dripping down your back and wet sinful backyard barbecues, but it's undercut with the cruelness of monotony and the ugliness of the under-cherished. It's not as beautiful as your think. And definitely not as warm.


4. Waiting for the Miracle - Leonard Cohen

 'Twas the Master among many poets that wanted the world to heed his message. He used his secondary gift to alert the world of its atrocities and misgivings and crow the many blessings for the righteous. To the few of us that heard the calls, take it in deep, and to the very end. He is one of the closest any one of us has gotten to God, as evidence by his life and body of work.


3. Venus in Furs - The Velvet Underground

 After years of ultra feminism and upper-handedness, and surprisingly much behind the times, I finally put my hand in my panties while watching a dirty movie. Understandably I found the vulgarity and hostility in the male to be quite brazen, so I decided to drown him out with music. In the following scene there were two girls. It was well lit, and it would appear that these two individuals were enjoying themselves. I don't know if it was the movement of their bodies flowing in a synchronized way or if it was his voice, but I came so hard that I let out an audible moan. Something I'd never done before in my many previously private moments.


2. Life On Mars - David Bowie

 In the 6th grade we had to fill out one of those generic 'favorite' lists. What will little Jessica Pearl be when she grows up? I said I wanted to be David Bowie. At age 7 I probably would have said Beetlejuice. Bowie still reigns. I will never think I'm cool, sexy, fun, attractive, well-dressed, or any number of things, because I can never match my muse. I live it every day. I breathe his soul and mourn his loss like a quarter of my heart is gone. All of his songs are my favorite. This one happens to be the song of his for the day.


1. While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles

 I am sent back in time immediately to a time when an old life ended and a brand new life began. It is my anthem. A poem written just for me, inexplicably before I was ever even thought of, by the most popular band in the world. And I am deeply indebted.