The Passions of Elvis

A few weeks back, Elvis (my son) asked me where "my favorite place to go" was (because only a 7 year old deals in absolutes). I had difficulty landing on an honest answer, mostly because there really aren't many manmade places to go anymore, and the ones that are left have been sanitized or gentrified or castrated in some manner. But he answered for me and said it's "probably Horror Conventions", and he was probably right - they're the closest thing left to a toy store/mall/flea market on my own radar of interests (and I tragically haven't been to one in years). I took the bait and asked him where his favorite place to go was, and he had two (of which he made me guess). To reiterate, it certainly wasn't Toys R Us or Kay-Bee, so I gave the easy (and correct) answer of "the playground". The second place came as a bit of a surprise, though didn't take many guesses (because, again, it's a short list) - I thought of the most recent establishments we'd been to that had anything exciting to offer, which at that point was "The Movies". 

We'd seen The Super Mario Galaxy Movie probably less than ten days prior so it was still fresh on his mind -- and by "fresh on his mind" I mean the only possible topic of conversation that he was able to offer, and if someone wasn't able to adequately reciprocate, he'd simply monologue his thoughts and feelings. Actually, that pattern of discourse hasn't really let up since then (or since he could speak really) but the subject matter can veer off into other areas intrigue, like Five Nights at Freddy's, SpongeBob Squarepants, Minecraft, and also non Pop Culture items like Astronomy, Geology, and Meteorology. And when he's run out of things to say and facts to share, he'll write Short Story Fiction, broken into chapters, incorporating elements from all these properties into a decidedly-fashionable multiverse of characters and themes. 

I understand this level of mania only too well - waking up in the morning as my dreams transition into thoughts of specific video games or cartoon characters or toys or other acts of play, and those things dominating my train of thought as the serious matters that they are. (Summers were best, when there was no other business to distract me from this very important work.) To witness someone (especially of my own heritage) experience and harness and profess this casual joy of living is endlessly wonderful and fun, and sometimes generates a brief whiff of jealousy. See, I haven't fallen into a profound obsession over any form of Art or Entertainment in a long time - probably over 20 years / since early adulthood. Does the weight of the world simply make it too difficult to lose ourselves in the music anymore? Or did I reach a certain age where I'd simply already discovered every single thing that could possibly interest me? Frankly I refuse to believe that either of those are true - mostly because I'm constantly reminded of how wonderful it can be to be in that frame of mind, and I need to believe I can get back there. 

Maybe this is just the dilemma of Millennial Nostalgia - we can't get into anything new because there isn't anything new; I don't need to discover Batman or Ghostbusters or Super Mario or Jurassic Park because I did that already during an entirely different cultural era. But that's partly why having a child during this current period of time is only that much more fantastical: I can expose him to something like STAR WARS or Indiana Jones or Alien, and there's nothing outdated about any of it because we can turn on the TV or go "The Movies" and pick up right where the story left off. 

It's important to note that not only have I not pushed any of my interests on him, but there's also a clear division in the properties that we follow. As I sit beside him in the theater as we watch The SpongeBob Movie: The Search For Squarepants or Five Nights at Freddy's 2, I'm reminded of sitting next to my own father as I subjected him to the likes of 3 Ninjas and Stay Tuned as he happily obliged. (We also saw Last of the Mohicans and Dracula that same year but I'm not trying to call attention to the dip in quality over the decades.) I'm watching these movies that I would've otherwise gone the rest of my life without seeing, but I'm doing it through this sorta distorted lens where I'm watching them through his eyes and making sure they hit all the marks that he's looking for; without any effort whatsoever, my normal pretentious film critic filter is almost entirely deactivated, which still allows me to be opinionated but in different ways. 

What's all this gripe I keep hearing about "Fan Service"? The first time I heard that phrase as a negative (or in any context at all) was in reference to Rogue One (which at that time was only the fifth STAR WARS movie to be largely predicated upon nostalgia); ironically enough that's one of the few movies where I felt the winks and nods were integrated into the story most organically. But my dispute here isn't necessarily in defense of Fan Service, but that it seems like a completely benign insult; as I write this on the brink of new Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings material being thrusted upon us, I've only ever been under the impression that the mere existence of any and all of these microwaved Intellectual Properties are, by definition, "Fan Service". I mean, of course every moment in all these remakes and sequels is esoteric and referential - it's their world, and we're paying to live in it. While watching these Super Mario movies I wasn't too preoccupied or even aware of stuff like pacing and structure and character development -- One, because they actually handle those things pretty okay, and Two because they don't seem to be that big of a concern to Elvis; as long as familiar characters and locations and sounds and objects keep appearing on the screen...? Pure Cinema. 

Conversely, there are plenty of childlike institutions that I still actively enjoy that he just can't seem to get into wholeheartedly. Every day after school he does his homework while my attention is split between helping him with Reading Comprehension and watching the 1987 Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's sorta become a running joke now, how Papa's "favorite show" is Ninja Turtles and how it's the only thing I'm interested in. I've only ever been able to compound these accusations by dragging him to see the original 1990 movie (as well as Secret of the Ooze) in the theater during their respective 35th anniversaries. Again, not forcing anything on him, I know he like Michelangelo - he's said as much, and I spotted an expression of mild glee on his face anytime Mikey did some of his antics. And I know he digs Super Shredder because how could anyone not? But in his mind the Turtles clearly belong to me; for my last birthday I asked him to draw me a picture that I could get tattooed on myself, and so now I have this...

His birthday will forever correspond with the end of the school year / beginning of Summer, so that also means it'll usually be at the same time as the release of some big movie. Despite the fact that they release these kindsa movies all year long now, they still find worthy titles for the season's kickoff. In 2025 we went to see Elio, and as much as we enjoyed it in the moment, it left no lasting impression on us whatsoever. A real shame - Pixar is typically top quality, and it's always refreshing to fall for a largely original movie, but in this framework, if you can't get any good toys or Halloween costumes out of it then something's missing. So this year is the big swing of Toy Story 5, sure to stimulate the nostalgia bone of children and grownups alike, as well as fuel the fire for the cynics who feel they shouldn't be making any more of these. At any rate, the timing guarantees a core memory in the making. Actually, he was very apprehensive at first - his Second Grade classmates have already christened Toy Story as "baby stuff". Fair enough - I was 12 when Part One came out and so I certainly waited for the privacy of Home Video. But I explained to him how much I loved it when I was practically a teenager and so it's definitely okay for big kids too. (I could've explained how I love it even as a grownup, but my credibility as a mature adult is obviously already blurred in his eyes.)

I'm not particularly sentimental about him "growing up so fast", mostly because we're sorta in the midst of what I consider to be the best years. I've wanted a child of my own ever since I was a child, and that's partly because I just wanted someone likeminded to hang out with, and I'd say he's just about reached the age where we can sort of causally enjoy the same things together without either of us having to pander to the other. There's still a noticeable gulf there: I'm able to genuinely appreciate some of his pursuits simply because of his infectious enthusiasm, while he still struggles to simply feign interest in some of my hobbies -- like watching feature length films. That's why it was a surprise that he holds The Movie Theater in such high regard; I don't know if it's his attention span or it's a generational thing, but my kid - my kid - is only partially interested in The Art of Motion Pictures. If the title and subject is rooted in a brand name that's familiar to him (cartoons, video games, sequels, etc.) then he'll perhaps allow his eyes to glance at the screen to then maybe determine its worth. But with everything else I'm like a hungry screenwriter tryna sell him on the most exciting elements of every movie. "It's got a guy who kills women so he can steal their skin and wear it over his own! And there's another guy who's so dangerous that they keep him in a glass box because he eats people!" That gets some mild interest, but I know in my sad heart that it'd just be way too talky/cerebral for him to sit through. Having said that, it's become apparent that Horror is the key to (moderate) captivation, even more than Action Adventure or Comedy. (He was barely able to watch the last half of American Werewolf in London because he was too busy "transforming into a werewolf" himself.) Even just the scarier/gorier moments from the Predator and Terminator movies got a ton of attention and praise, while the explosions and shootouts and chases did little to delight him. 

Morbid fascination, or a distaste for the tedium of Big Budget Blow-em-ups? Who knows? Who cares? If he's anything like I was it's probably a little of both. The biggest difference is that, unlike my own parents, I'm not constantly reinforcing the idea that all scary movies are "really fucking scary, so close your eyes here because you will be scared." Granted, refraining from that kinda rhetoric removes just about all the mystique surrounding this material that kept me so turned on throughout my youth, but I'm also here to guide him through the aisles of muck and blandness and make sure to show him what I consider to be the best. If he wants to branch out into the schlock he can spend his prepubescence flipping through stacks of Fangorias same as I did. In the meantime, he's given his most positive responses to The Thing, The Blob, Halloween IV, Weapons, Primate, the entirety of the Child's Play franchise (with heavy emphasis on Seed of Chucky), and oddly enough, Misery, which prompted him to spend the remainder of the day telling everyone "I'm your Number One Fan". 

I'm making it all seem grander than it really is -- with the exception of Chucky (and maybe Weapons), his mindset is entirely focused on his very "Second Grader in 2026" goods and services; unique to the setting, but also unique to him. He spends hours at a time playing LEGO STAR WARS on his touchscreen tablet. He dances to AC/DC and INXS on his Amazon Alexa. Over the past few months he's drifted away from the "bedtime story" routine, and now the last moments of the day are dedicated to watching YouTube videos - either about storm chasers, or comparing the sizes of stars in the observable universe. Even through the filter of the 21st Century it's all completely relatable, because while none of us are exactly the same as our kids, we were once, in fact, kids. He likes waterslides and hide 'n seek and chocolate bars and bubblegum. He likes nature and science and stuffed animals and being tickled. He hates long car rides and eating dinner and brushing his teeth and going to sleep. He's frightened of bees and bullies and nightmares and bellyaches. As we grow up we tend to quiet some of these stronger feelings -- but in favor of what? I ask that rhetorically but I don't actually know the answer; we're desensitized with experience, but I suppose a generalized apathy is also a defense mechanism against the shit we deal with in the grownup world. But whatever, this isn't about the ugliness of adulthood, nor is it about me pining for my own past - mostly because I don't really need to anymore (or as much anyway). 

I wouldn't say I live "vicariously" through Elvis's optimism and curiosity and overall lust for life, I'm just happy to be around it and I'll do anything I can to perpetuate it; it's infectious and I selfishly don't ever wanna poison the well. The old concept of "providing a better upbringing for your child than the one you received" is a tall order for me because my childhood home life was top-notch, so now whenever the circumstances fall short it's that much more devastating to me. But Elvis doesn't know that because he has nothing to compare it to; objectively his life has been one unbroken boulevard of green lights, so in some ways, he's actually had it better than me - thusly making him a better person. He's more outgoing than I was, more generous, more inquisitive, and especially way better looking (even if he does look exactly like SpongeBob). I won't attempt to call out any of the shortcomings of my own parents and just say that I've utilized and bestowed their best traits throughout this chapter of my life that is "parenting", which basically just boils down to a loving and safe environment. I had that. I did not have the ability to watch any episode of my favorite show at any time of the day or night. I did not have four video game devices with an extensive library of games for each. I did not have framed posters on my bedroom wall. I did not have my own YouTube channel. (Make sure to visit it and "like" and "subscribe", it's a huge deal to him when that happens.) Again, that's still not me being envious; I'll take VHS quality gold over 4K streaming manure any day. But with technology, same as trends and culture and history and the color of the sky and the taste of a soft drink and the smell of a rainstorm and the excitement of a carnival, it all feels new to me -  and it's amazing, because Elvis told me it was. 

- Paul

MY POSTER PAST :: part 11

It's been nearly two years since my last post in this series - not because I've run out of poster stories to share, but because I'm always struggling to unite a bunch to better help me justify grouping them together. (My rigidness about such things comes as no surprise I'm sure.) I think I've come up with a good one this time: I call them "Surprise Posters" - as in wall art that I didn't know I was getting until I got them. I don't know if I'm describing it well so go ahead and look at the posters to see what I mean (I'm sure most of you already have).

- Paul

This Room is Protected by The Real Ghostbusters

My father still reminds me of the trials and tribulations of procuring me The Proton Pack, The Headquarters, et al. (He and my mother were successful on all fronts.) And as much as I loved all those plastic toys, I loved this free "sign" that came in the box just as much; even at 4 years old my interests were already leaning towards interior decorating. Of course, at that age there was no way I would've been able to articulate how much I loved the contrast of the red and yellow against the solid purple -- I was just happy to have an official "Keep Away" notice to let Freddy Krueger know I meant business. 

Now You're Playing With Power

Again, playing a Nintendo was cool, but having the visual reminder in my room that I actually owned a Nintendo was just as cool. Having said that, I've always thought this was an ugly poster; I think any kid would've preferred a big colorful image of Mario or Link over this frustrating composition of jagged grey shards floating in space. But I did and do adore the collage of screenshots of various games sprinkled throughout; they make me nostalgic now, but in the moment, they just made me love life. 

The Mask

I really didn't like this movie. I might've actually hated it, and I think a lot of that hate came from being really excited for it and then being so let down. I was so excited, in fact, that I bought any magazine that featured any images of Jim's awesome green face - one of which came with this super sleek pullout pinup within its pages. The magazine (whatever it was) also had a very similar publicity shot of Alec Baldwin as The Shadow -- that movie stank too, but these beautiful images with the clean uncluttered environments and the stylish costumes actually only accentuated my old, stained, torn, horrible pink wallpaper. My cousin got the same magazine with the same posters and they looked so goddamn good hanging on his nice clean freshly painted white walls. I literally tore everything off my own bedroom walls because of these posters in the hopes that my parents would perform an all out renovation. (They did not.)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II

Here's a nicer story. To you this is just an image on a screen, but it was actually a "mini poster" that was roughly 10x14 inches. But it was special because I got it for free at the movie's opening weekend: a cold rainy Saturday in March of 1991. They were handing these out in the lobby and I was too shy to grab one until my father insisted that I do - and I got the last one, and I clutched it as I sat in a theater packed with cold wet youths. And then when the Turtles first jumped onto the screen and the title card came up, everyone in the theater cheered. You don't forget memories like these. 

13 BIG HEADS!

Yes, we've heard your cries and pleas for a brief but comprehensive list of oversized noggins found in popular culture. Today those pleas shall be silenced as I present to you exactly that. You're welcome. 

- Paul

The Metalunans

This Island Earth

Don't mention his head... The Mutant gets all the glory, but it's hard to ignore the obvious malformations of Exeter, Brack, and the rest. It's meant to indicate their superior intellect, but in the end, 1950s science stuff isn't enough to save their species. 

"The Foot Soldiers Are Revolting"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

In this Season 4 episode, Shredder uses a brain-enhancing machine on one of his robot foot soldiers, thus creating a Skynet/HAL 9000 situation wherein the super smart robot leads a rebellion against its creators. How that results in a bigger head is unclear, but it definitely looks cool. 

Giant novelty head

Pee-wee's Big Adventure

I use any opportunity I get to revisit Mario's Magic Shop. The scene barely runs 2 minutes but they pack a lot in, including the limited variety of fake heads for sale: shrunken, "regular size", and this massive monstrosity that manages to overwhelm Pee-wee. 

The Easter Island Kid

The Critic

Jay's son Marty goes to school with a kid from Easter Island and he has a big stone head that resembles the statues for which the island is best known. He struggles to maintain balance under the weight of it, often falling over. That's this character's entire plot function, which fits nicely into the tone of this series. 

The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz

In reality, a mere "humbug" from Nebraska, but to his groveling subjects, a giant translucent green face surrounded by smoke and flames. In the book, only Dorothy can see him in this form, but obviously this was the biggest, loudest, most theatrical choice for his big screen depiction. 

Myron Stackpoole

Head of the Family

What list of deformities is complete without a little Full Moon madness? Myron isn't just a head (he has arms so presumably some kinda torso) but his body is mostly head (because he has super psychic powers), and through some split screen and forced perspective stuff, it's made clear that it's comically oversized. 

Littleface

Dick Tracy

Speaking of forced perspective... So here's the thing: Littleface doesn't have a big head, he has a little face. Not a knock against the movie's award winning makeup effects, but no one ever saw this and didn't describe him as "the guy with the big head." Frankly, it makes him that much more sinister and imposing than the intended "guy with a little face."

Vigo

Ghostbusters II

There's a stack of stuff I don't like about this movie, but it had an outstanding main baddie. In the film's climax, the already imposing Carpathian is sorta inexplicably reduced down to his huge melon, left only to growl and roar. My son has experienced The Shining, The Thing, Halloween, An American Werewolf in London, and It with nothing but gusto and joy, but he can't handle Big Head Vigo. 

The Beast

Poltergeist

My son also enjoyed this (though no one's immune to that face tearing bit). This movie has a lot of Final Bosses, but a lot of the threats manifest as flashing lights and possessed objects -- this is the first real Monster we see and it comes as a big surprise. Really big. 

Score All Star Baseball Cards

In 1991, Score created a "subset" of 20 special insert cards that could be found in random packs, each depicting illustrated caricatures of the best players of that season. The "exaggerated head" caricature style wasn't anything new, but it seemed awfully popular around this time, especially with Sports for some reason - which is why I can't hear "big heads" without remembering these. 

"And Maggie Makes Three"

The Simpsons

In an overly dramatized flashback described by Homer, he recalls the moment he learned Marge was pregnant with Maggie, which apparently embiggens his head like a balloon, then bursts. The popping is the punchline, but in the second before that we get this hilarious frame. 

"The Andrea Doria"

Seinfeld

Upon breaking up with him, Elaine's boyfriend's parting words are that her head is too big for her body. An otherwise harmless and baseless observation said out of spite, but the comment gnaws at her until she becomes fully convinced of this supposed deformity, believing herself to be a "walkin' candy apple". It's ridiculous, but there's mounting physical evidence throughout the episode to support her fears. 

William

So I Married an Axe Murderer

Better known as "Heed!", which is just "head" in an exaggerated Scottish accent. Actually, this character's entire purpose is to be a catalyst for Mike Myers's creative insults regarding his gargantuan cranium: "That boy's head's like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts!" 

7 Cigarette Smoking Scenes

When there's no more room in Hell for "Eating Scenes" we will begin to address the "Smoking Scenes". For decades it was too commonplace to even take notice - not just in French noir and American Westerns, but in everything, from Looney Tunes shorts to gameshows. It started to be a bit more of a niche in the 70s, and even since then I was left with a zillion choices - but these were the first that came to mind. 

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

- Paul

Ghostbusters

Cigarette as comedic prop. My father used to let me reenact this gag with an unlit True Blue, getting me that much closer to becoming a real life Ghostbuster. 

The Master

How to pick a single Joaquin smoking scene? Not to discredit either Joker movie but you really need to see the outtakes from this scene to appreciate the nicotine dedication. 

GoodFellas

A truly famous shot in a movie full of famous shots, it exemplifies the cigarette as a permissible prop for an actor to look busy. Add a good pop song and you've got Cinematic Gold. 

Die Hard

An excellent Smoking Movie all around, but nothing beats the peace pipe camaraderie between John McClane and Bill Clay. 

Cat's Eye

Smoking kills, but who cares? Like, seriously. Even if Alan King sends out goons to kidnap your wife and then electrocute her while playing a horrible cover of "96 Tears", it's still so satisfying to light up when you're stuck in traffic. 

War of the Roses

Doesn't matter how long it's been since you quit - if you have to deflect sexual advances from Kathleen Turner, you're gonna need to scratch that itch with something strong. 

True Romance

A last meal, a kiss before dying, a final request. Smoking (and hurling insults) are much more satisfying when there are no more longterm consequences. 

STATIC SHOTS

10 Wacky Vehicles

In compiling a list of 10 Cool Cars I managed to think of a ton of not-quite-cars -- like so many that they needed to go somewhere; I've made it my job to justify the existence of such things, and so now I bring you a list of the more abstract idea that is "vehicles". Let the wackiness commence. 

- Paul

Ecto-2

The Real Ghostbusters

It made more sense than trying to navigate Manhattan traffic in a giant car when you're attempting to bust free floating apparitions. I called it a helicopter but I guess technically it's an "autogyro". This one presents a weird situation: I can't remember if I had the toy or I just remember the kids in the commercial playing with it. Either way I had a great time. 

The Cart of Death

Married... With Children

A shopping cart refurbished by Al as a means to win the Foodie's One Millionth Customer Shopping Spree. Apart from looking like Super Mario's Bullet Bill, it featured several "antipersonnel" gadgets like shooting arrows and spring-loaded boxing gloves. As much as I love things that are secretly weapons, the big draw is really the Bullet Bill comparison. 

Dracula's Coach

Bram Stoker's Dracula

For an endlessly spooky movie this just may be one of the scariest bits. Nevermind the weird ghost horses pulling you towards what is ultimately Hell on Earth, but that crumbling cliff ride is no joke. Oh and the demonic Coachman (also played by Gary Oldman) gave me a nightmare when I was 9 that I still remember. 

Trimaxion Drone Ship

Flight of the Navigator

Were this a ranked list of Coolest Spaceships, this would probably place first. As a child I was a sucker for shiny things and that attitude hasn't really waned, so while it may be able to change shape, travel through space and time, and talk like Pee-wee, I'm really just here for the sexy silver curves. 

Transport Module

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I love cozy compact conveyances - stuff that's only big enough for me and maybe a friend and some snacks. Claustrophobia doesn't kick in when there's a forward momentum - especially one strong enough to bust through the Earth's crust. 

Neptune 2000

Get a Life

In an episode of this short-lived show from the early 90s, Chris Elliot sends away for a DIY submarine called The Neptune 2000. Twenty years later it arrives in the mail, and after assembling it he and his father merely sit in it, in the bathtub, and become trapped. Even still, I find it cozy. 

The Golden Condor

The Mysterious Cities of Gold

There were three things that kept me coming back to this show: the abstract promise that there will be gold, the truly epic theme song, and this giant fucking bird/plane thing that's intimidating enough to scare away foes and allies alike. 

The Wonkavator

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

He had many concoctions and contraptions and modes of transportation (all with the prefix "Wonka") but this is the one that literally breaks away from the surrealistic dread of the factory and leaves us on the highest note. Really, though, I just wanna press that awesome-looking button. 

Queen's Flying Car

"Radio Ga Ga"

In the music video for their 1984 single, the band sorta kinda superimposes themselves into scenes from Fritz Lang's Metropolis, portions of which depict them flying over the titular city in a futuristic sports car steered with a microphone. Judging by its homemade look and how it glides I always felt as though it'd handle like a really pleasant amusement park ride. 

Arwing

Star Fox

Back in '93 the big selling point of this game was that it contained the Super FX Graphics Chip. Not really sure what that did but it certainly was a neat looking game - particularly the fighter planes flown by Fox McCloud and his crew; honestly these sleek silvery angles only ever made me think of Flight of the Navigator, so clearly I'm a slave to my preferred aesthetics. 

STATIC SHOTS