The CGI of 1996

Or, The CGI Shitshow of 1996 - though that would definitely hurt its chances of going wildly viral.

Today I'm here to complain. Actually, poke fun at, which is somehow both more lighthearted but also meaner at the same time. And hey, guess what, my target is not modern movies, but instead I've chosen to pick on my beloved 90s Cinema: particularly 1996, and particularly the special effects, and particularly the computer-generated special effects. 

We were treated to some lovely makeup effects that year (Thinner, Bad Moon, The Island of Dr. Moreau) as well as what I consider to be some really good digital effects (Independence Day, Dragonheart, Multiplicity), but for the most part it was a clunky mess and a definite low point in an otherwise solid decade in the advancement of computer artistry. I can't know exactly why everyone got so overzealous at exactly the same time - maybe the triumphs throughout the first half of the 1990s (Terminator 2, Jurassic Park, Forrest Gump, Toy Story) created a wave of overconfidence in the industry. In hindsight, I applaud the experimentation, but when you bite off more than you can chew it can lead to choking (which is actually the literal plot of a lotta these movies). Here are 8 films from 30 years ago that probably coulda used another 20 minutes in the oven before they were ready for public consumption. 

- Paul 

Twister

I was so pumped for this - I was already really into tornadoes at that time, mostly because I'd suddenly become phobic for some reason. In the theater, I thought it was pretty effective, but apart from the overall bigness of it, I think the sound design is what made it work. Now it spends its life on a TV, and we're left only with its dumb story and horrible dialogue and digital dust clouds. Never for a moment do I believe I'm witnessing a weather event; Wizard of Oz was a thousand percent more believable. 

The Frighteners

This was a really neat Mystery that threw in enough comedy and action to get it that much closer to Ghostbusters. Except that Slimer, Stay Puft, The Library Ghost, et al. were considerably more believable than most of the disorienting cartoons that populate this film. FX shots used to demand so much more attention; you could feel the finesse in every storyboarded frame, and every gesture felt intentional. The big baddie in this is like a cloaked ghost that resembles The Grim Reaper, but some vague swirling graphics place it more in the ballpark of Casper rather than Bergman. 

Mission: Impossible

Look, I don't even know what the hell's going on in this movie at any given moment, and yet there's still some compelling suspense - especially the Tom-on-a-rope sequence. One part that isn't suspenseful at all is the entire climax. DePalma once said that he has no interest in car chases, and if he feels the same about animated helicopters chasing animated trains, his apathy is palpable here. I definitely never feel any sense of peril - not even when the really fake looking propeller blade almost stabs Tom in the neck. 

Escape From L.A.

The trend gains momentum here as the veterans start to dabble in software -- and by "dabble" I mean "gamble with their entire reputation". I was never a fan of Escape From New York, but by comparison... holy shit. A lotta money and effort clearly went into some major set decoration here - except for the parts where it didn't because it's so clearly a poorly generated environment. Carpenter never bounced back from this. 

Mars Attacks!

John Carpenter only made three more features after Escape from L.A. -- Tim Burton has made thirteen since this plunge into pixels, and he's never looked back. Fans of this film will promote the excuse that the effects are "intentionally bad" to further perpetuate the ironic campiness of it. What a crock of shit. I'm sure the guy who just wrapped an Ed Wood biopic had a unique understanding of the difference between "bad special effects" and "intentionally bad special effects", and there was certainly nothing "retro" or "nostalgic" about cheap computer animation. (It saddens me to say, but there still isn't.) Alex Cox and effects wizard Phil Tippett had long wanted to make a stop motion version of this material, and in the weird bizarro reality of 1996, Tim Burton managed to make something less cool. 

The Nutty Professor

Rick Baker got the Oscar for his outstanding makeup effects in this movie. You know Rick Baker, the guy who nabbed his first Oscar for the memorable transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London. In fact, I can't speak for everyone, but I feel like the "turning into a wolf" sequence was more effective than the actual wolf. In this film, Eddie Murphy undergoes several transformations between fat and thin, and those are depicted like some commercial for sour candy, with a lotta cartoony bulging effects and fake exaggerated jiggling. So much for the painstaking attention to canine hair growth and fang lengthening. 

From Dusk Till Dawn

Once again! Here we are in the middle of a Makeup FX Extravaganza - an almost homage to the art form, literally featuring superstars of the industry both behind and in front of the camera. KNB created some truly ghastly and inventive stuff, and we still get entirely tripped up on the tough act of "transformation". It'd been 5 years since the Michael Jackson "Black or White" video wowed us all with its use of "morphing technology" and apparently vampires South of the Border employ that very same technology repetitively and excessively, and it all but undermines all that really cool makeup. 

The Arrival

I feel bad picking on the smaller Alien Invasion Movie of that year, but really it's its own fault. I feel like this was on HBO every few minutes, but I seriously remember nothing from it. Well almost nothing. Spoiler (kinda): there's a twist at the end where we learn that one of the supporting characters is actually an alien disguised as a human. We learn this when the "human" suddenly inverts his knees before our eyes and awkwardly saunters off into the horizon. On paper it's sorta creepy, but my reaction even then was more of a wince at its really crude "reveal" - which, who knows, maybe made it creepier. Either way, it leaves an impression.

Bennett Media goes WRESTLING!

Back in the 1980s, the stereotype was that televised Wrestling was mostly embraced by Rednecks and Trailer Trash. That might've been unfair, but in my experience it was entirely true; a lotta the kids I knew who were considerably less fortunate than I really seemed to embrace it as part of their personality. Then in the 90s, the appeal seemed to grow and integrate more into the mainstream, and suddenly "Big Van Vader" is wrestling Ben Savage on Boy Meets World, and I start to see more t-shirts around school that I don't understand. 

Obviously this isn't a history lesson; everything I've mentioned is just observation mixed with speculation, because it's not like I was just "unaware" of Wrestling... I was actively disinterested - which is just a polite way of saying I didn't like it. I still don't. But I'm preserving politeness because I didn't come here to shit on a most beloved part of Pop Culture. In fact, I'm here to celebrate it (in my own way)! As mentioned, Wrestling and Wrestlers aren't always confined to the ring -- in many cases, they were integral to stuff I liked too. I'd always maintained that I didn't know much about it, but when I started to compile a physical list, I came up with over a dozen examples of Wrestling-related things that I've experienced throughout my life that managed to win me over (or at least hold my interest for the duration). Granted they never tempted me to dive any deeper into the wide world of rasslin' but I'm grateful for these 15 contributions.

- Paul

Suburban Commando

featuring Hulk Hogan

My VHS version of Gremlins 2 did not feature the cameo from The Hulkster (nor did it even contain the alternate Home Video scene with John Wayne either). Nevertheless, Hulk Hogan was everywhere for years before this Science Fiction Action Family film came out in 1991 (or, more specifically, 1992 which is when I probably saw it on tape), but this was my first experience spending any real amount of time with him. Yes, it probably would've been unbearably weak without the presence of Christopher Lloyd, but the chemistry between both of them is undeniable. (Fun Fact: it was written for Schwarzenegger and DeVito, who did Twins instead -- a movie I like considerably less than this one.)

Slim Jim Commercials

featuring Randy "Macho Man" Savage

Macho Man is a good example of my inarticulate approach to wrestlers at that time, which is just a general feeling of "What's this guy's problem?" But Slim Jim knew how to harness and present that hernia-inducing energy and managed to create TV ads that felt like Action Movies. Matched with the fact that I'm a big fan of the product, Mach Man was always alright with me. 

WWF Wrestling Buddies

from Tonka!

Speaking of memorable TV ads! There was nary a commercial break in the early 1990s that didn't include this sales pitch for pillows designed to look like muscular naked men. Thinking of them now makes me aware of another reason for my disinterest in the genre: I really didn't have that little boy urge to beat the shit out of someone. Maybe I was born without that gene, or maybe I just ignored it. Or maybe it was upbringing; I didn't have the kinda dad that would playfully put me in a headlock as a sign of affection. At any rate, these commercials always depicted everything in a very wholesome light, making them feel very non-intrusive during any given episode of DuckTales. 

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

featuring "Captain" Lou Albano

Before his title role in The Super Mario Bros. Super Show and long before his cameo in Stay Tuned, I knew him as Cyndi Lauper's disapproving dad. He'd also pop up in her "Time After Time" video, and also the video for the Goonies song (which actually featured like ten other wrestlers). The Cyndi Lauper/Wrestling connection would baffle me for most of my life, until I read a SPIN Magazine article detailing her manager's love of Wrestling, and the casting of Lou Albano to try to boost Cyndi's fan base. (It worked.) Even still, when the Mario show premiered, my mom recognized him as a wrestler first because, to perpetuate the stereotype, she actually spent some time living in a trailer park in Florida. 

Stripes

Mud Wrestling

I'm including this because a.) this may very well be my real introduction to Wrestling, and b.) I can't seem to compose any list without including Stripes. (In fact, I'm gonna make a tag for it right now.) The concept of physical altercation as sport wasn't totally lost on me at 4 years old but there were definitely elements of this specific activity that were a little confusing - all I knew was that it was exciting when the girls lost their bikinis. Actually, in hindsight, I now realize that I understood everything about this scene as a child. 

Honeycomb Commercial

featuring Andre The Giant

Another supposedly fundamental experience I didn't grow up with was The Princess Bride -- which just means that my one true connection to Andre The Giant is his appearance in a 1989 Honeycomb Cereal commercial that aired hourly right into the 90s. The premise: four kids and a robot are enjoying Honeycomb in their treehouse when they get harassed by a giant who's hungry for cereal. Tensions are high at first, but everyone's shared adoration for the Post Breakfast Cereal prompts singing and camaraderie. Strangely, the Honeycomb was the least alluring detail for me: I thought the treehouse was rad, but more than that, the heavily wooded backyard with rich foliage bathed in late afternoon sunshine wasn't too dissimilar from my own backyard when I was a kid, but it was only that much more lusty when this spot would run in the dead of Winter. 

The Three Stooges

Grips, Grunts, and Groans

In this 1937 Columbia Short, the boys befriend a wrestler named Bustoff. Bustoff is a wreckless party animal who drinks himself into a stupor, prompting Curly to apply a fake beard and pose as him in the ring -- but the Mob has money riding on Bustoff, so Curly had better win (even with some predictably unconventional tactics). For the longest time, this was the only depiction of the lifestyle of a wrestler that I was aware of: the debaucherous midpoint between Babe Ruth and Al Capone. I had to admit, it seemed somewhat inviting. 

They Live

featuring "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

I'm sure I've told this story before but it's pertinent to this list... I was flipping through the channels during some weekend afternoon and I came across "The Fight Scene" on a local cable channel. The beginning of the scene. My mother was there too and neither of us knew what this movie was. After about 5 minutes we were convinced that nothing else was gonna happen in this film except this fight. Obviously the plot finally kicked back into gear and what unfolded blew our minds, but not as blown as halting the pace of an otherwise straightforward narrative so a Pro Wrestler can show off what happens when he runs outta bubblegum. 

Pain & Gain

featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

I sat and I thought. And I thought and I thought. "Is it possible I've never seen a movie featuring The Rock? Have I yet to smell what he's cooking?" For a moment I honestly couldn't think of a single one. So I went to The Internet and scrolled the long list of feature films, and I actually found two(!) that I've seen in their entirety, both for partially ironic reasons: Doom (as part of our Video Game Take5 episode) and this, absorbed with a glimmer of hope that a self aware Michael Bay Action Comedy starring The Scorpion King might be more intentionally funny than unintentionally. (It really wasn't.) Honestly, I find the man likable, and despite having seen him in almost nothing, I don't think he's found his groove yet (though I can assume it's not Indie Oscar bait).

The Ren & Stimpy Show

"Mad Dog Höek"

Perhaps I would've been more into Wrestling had it leaned harder into these kindsa extremes (pus, gore, etc.). The irony is that Ren believes Wrestling to be fake and then gets graphically pummeled in various ways, which furthers my point that, if it's gonna be so obviously fake, it should be cartoonishly so; there should be way more poppings of eyeballs and blood vessels. 

Married... With Children

"Flight of the Bumblebee" featuring King Kong Bundy

Clearly it's about time I made a tag for Married... With Children as well. The name "Bundy" always seemed like a questionable choice for a sitcom family in the 80s, but the claim is that it was a direct homage to Pro Wrestler King Kong Bundy, who actually guested on the show twice: once as one of Peg's hick relatives, and then many seasons later as himself, in this episode where Kelly convinces him to beat up Bud in the ring. Definitely two of my least favorite episodes, but the Wrestling aspect is only partially incidental; when this show wanted to go intentionally lowbrow, it went hard, nearly past the point to where someone as shallow as me thought it was stupid, and that's definitely what happened here. Still, we honor this figurative and literal giant for lending his stage name to this iconic fictional family. 

Ed Wood

featuring George "The Animal" Steele (as Tor Johnson!)

This one's all kindsa meta: Pro Wrestler George "The Animal" Steele acting in a movie about director Ed Wood, portraying Pro Wrestler Tor Johnson who's cast by director Ed Wood to be in his movie. When this came out I wasn't really familiar with Plan 9 or Tor Johnson, but I immediately changed that right after I saw this, and I'm still as startled today as I was back then at how perfect this casting was. The resemblance is just uncanny! 

1 Night in China

featuring Joanie "Chyna" Laurer and Sean Waltman

Almost immediately after the "success" of Paris Hilton's leaked sex tape 1 Night in Paris, Chyna and Pro Wrestler fiancée Sean Waltman voluntarily sold their own homemade video to XXX studio Red Light District, cleverly adapting the punny title. Even during the dawn of the age of "pirating" and "downloading", I actually rented this video from the adult video store (because when it comes to smut I guess I'm just old-fashioned). Chyna apparently embraced the attention and continued making porn movies, but my curiosity halted after just 1 night. 

Blade Runner 2049

featuring Dave Bautista

I'd already seen him Guardians of the Galaxy and he (like the entirety of that movie) didn't really leave an impression on me -- at best I'm sure I just brushed him aside as some meathead hired for his exaggerated  physique. Obviously I was not so quick to dismiss his very brief but totally memorable moment in this movie that didn't require muscles at all; he gives a decidedly subtle turn as a soft spoken replicant who enjoys reading and farming. Putting him in the role could've come across as ironic, but no one approaches it that way and the scene remains memorable on its own merits. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

featuring Kevin Nash

Lastly, what's a Bennett Inventory compilation without some mention of Ninja Turtles -- more specifically, Super Shredder! For me, nothing tops his menacing presentation in Part One - but that fell in line with the tone of that film. This decidedly goofy sequel only sometimes got as loud and colorful as it was trying to be, but this moment, depicting a giant mutated Shredder (played by Pro Wrestler Kevin Nash), is the crescendo of this movie's intended madness. Again, if Wrestling had ever featured costumes this over-the-top, it may've just piqued my interest. 

10 Tiny Treasures

Watch a movie more than once and you'll notice some of the smaller details that you missed the first time. This list, on the other hand, has absolutely nothing to do with that - there's some small stuff here but they're never not the life of the party. Some of them have magical powers, some of them have no proper function, some of them are just dollar bills y'all. The thing they have in common is I want all of them, and I have a secret hiding place set aside for each one. 

- Paul

Crystal ball

Labyrinth

Who didn't want a crystal ball just so they could do the Harlem Globetrotter shit Bowie does here? (It was the hands of a stunt "ball handler" but still.) Honestly, the crystal ball kept me invested in the movie as a kid because it hinted at the possibility of more sparkly treasure later on (there wasn't). 

Gold pen

Lethal Weapon 2

As a plot function it only existed for one scene as a means to squeeze in some of the melodramatic character development that this sequel mostly ignored. Of course I didn't recognize this when I was like 7, I just wanted the gold pen (not real gold, but in a movie that prominently features gold coins, I thought maybe?). 

Benedict's glass eyes

Last Action Hero

Many generations of children have enjoyed playing with marbles. My generation got the upgrade (downgrade?) of Pogs. These were like a combination of the two: shiny glass spheres with fun designs on them. I've wanted them-- nay, I've needed them for over 30 years, just to have and look at, or best case scenario, I lose an eye and I have to wear a different one every day. 

Petty cash box

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

This was the first time I'd ever heard of the "petty cash" concept and couldn't wait to grow up and borrow a stack of bills to buy a pair of boots and a magazine. But mostly I wanted access to a secret lockbox with little compartments inside for special things (like company funds). 

Batmobile tracer

Batman Returns

I don't know what you call this thing; Doug Jones places it under the Batmobile for the purposes of hacking into its computer. I just want it for its Tim Burton aesthetic, combining advanced technology and a candy colored paint job. 

Miniaturized furniture

Honey I Shrunk the Kids

Everything's cooler when it's miniaturized (see: Dennis Quaid), up to and including a "thinking couch" (which is just a cool idea on its own). In the movie, Matt Frewer calls it "doll furniture" that you can find at "swap meets" - when I was a kid I thought that was some kinda weird meat store and it sounded gross to me. But it also sounded like they had tiny furniture (not the Lena Dunham movie). 

Attendance and Punctuality pins

Rushmore

Cute and shiny and they also have academic recognition attached to them (sort of). I think between the two pins we'd all choose Punctuality (mostly because Attendance is lame). This is actually a treasure you can find all over Etsy. 

Owen's coin collection

Throw Momma From the Train

Perhaps the most obtainable prize on this list, and it has a context that allows us to play along at home. The collection is just an assortment of loose change with each coin evoking a different happy memory. Obviously you can do this with any object but Owen points out the otherwise unnoticed beauty of the coins themselves. (And he keeps them under a floorboard which is so rad.) 

The Black Box

Sneakers

I guess it'd be cool to hack into the government's database (even just to change our attendance records like Ferris Bueller) but I think the real joy would be having something so nefarious and sought-after that I would have to disguise it as something else to make sure no one found it. 

Model headstones

Beetlejuice

The whole damn town is depicted in model form, which would also imply the stuff we don't even see: mini Zagnut, mini whorehouse, mini prostitute ghouls. But still, I'd go with Beetlejuice's headstone, because it's already totally badass looking, and to reiterate, everything's even cooler miniaturized. 

13 BIG HEADS!

Yes, we've heard your cries and pleas for a brief but comprehensive list of oversized noggins found in popular culture. Today those pleas shall be silenced as I present to you exactly that. You're welcome. 

- Paul

The Metalunans

This Island Earth

Don't mention his head... The Mutant gets all the glory, but it's hard to ignore the obvious malformations of Exeter, Brack, and the rest. It's meant to indicate their superior intellect, but in the end, 1950s science stuff isn't enough to save their species. 

"The Foot Soldiers Are Revolting"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

In this Season 4 episode, Shredder uses a brain-enhancing machine on one of his robot foot soldiers, thus creating a Skynet/HAL 9000 situation wherein the super smart robot leads a rebellion against its creators. How that results in a bigger head is unclear, but it definitely looks cool. 

Giant novelty head

Pee-wee's Big Adventure

I use any opportunity I get to revisit Mario's Magic Shop. The scene barely runs 2 minutes but they pack a lot in, including the limited variety of fake heads for sale: shrunken, "regular size", and this massive monstrosity that manages to overwhelm Pee-wee. 

The Easter Island Kid

The Critic

Jay's son Marty goes to school with a kid from Easter Island and he has a big stone head that resembles the statues for which the island is best known. He struggles to maintain balance under the weight of it, often falling over. That's this character's entire plot function, which fits nicely into the tone of this series. 

The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz

In reality, a mere "humbug" from Nebraska, but to his groveling subjects, a giant translucent green face surrounded by smoke and flames. In the book, only Dorothy can see him in this form, but obviously this was the biggest, loudest, most theatrical choice for his big screen depiction. 

Myron Stackpoole

Head of the Family

What list of deformities is complete without a little Full Moon madness? Myron isn't just a head (he has arms so presumably some kinda torso) but his body is mostly head (because he has super psychic powers), and through some split screen and forced perspective stuff, it's made clear that it's comically oversized. 

Littleface

Dick Tracy

Speaking of forced perspective... So here's the thing: Littleface doesn't have a big head, he has a little face. Not a knock against the movie's award winning makeup effects, but no one ever saw this and didn't describe him as "the guy with the big head." Frankly, it makes him that much more sinister and imposing than the intended "guy with a little face."

Vigo

Ghostbusters II

There's a stack of stuff I don't like about this movie, but it had an outstanding main baddie. In the film's climax, the already imposing Carpathian is sorta inexplicably reduced down to his huge melon, left only to growl and roar. My son has experienced The Shining, The Thing, Halloween, An American Werewolf in London, and It with nothing but gusto and joy, but he can't handle Big Head Vigo. 

The Beast

Poltergeist

My son also enjoyed this (though no one's immune to that face tearing bit). This movie has a lot of Final Bosses, but a lot of the threats manifest as flashing lights and possessed objects -- this is the first real Monster we see and it comes as a big surprise. Really big. 

Score All Star Baseball Cards

In 1991, Score created a "subset" of 20 special insert cards that could be found in random packs, each depicting illustrated caricatures of the best players of that season. The "exaggerated head" caricature style wasn't anything new, but it seemed awfully popular around this time, especially with Sports for some reason - which is why I can't hear "big heads" without remembering these. 

"And Maggie Makes Three"

The Simpsons

In an overly dramatized flashback described by Homer, he recalls the moment he learned Marge was pregnant with Maggie, which apparently embiggens his head like a balloon, then bursts. The popping is the punchline, but in the second before that we get this hilarious frame. 

"The Andrea Doria"

Seinfeld

Upon breaking up with him, Elaine's boyfriend's parting words are that her head is too big for her body. An otherwise harmless and baseless observation said out of spite, but the comment gnaws at her until she becomes fully convinced of this supposed deformity, believing herself to be a "walkin' candy apple". It's ridiculous, but there's mounting physical evidence throughout the episode to support her fears. 

William

So I Married an Axe Murderer

Better known as "Heed!", which is just "head" in an exaggerated Scottish accent. Actually, this character's entire purpose is to be a catalyst for Mike Myers's creative insults regarding his gargantuan cranium: "That boy's head's like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts!" 

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