Bennett Media goes WRESTLING!

Back in the 1980s, the stereotype was that televised Wrestling was mostly embraced by Rednecks and Trailer Trash. That might've been unfair, but in my experience it was entirely true; a lotta the kids I knew who were considerably less fortunate than I really seemed to embrace it as part of their personality. Then in the 90s, the appeal seemed to grow and integrate more into the mainstream, and suddenly "Big Van Vader" is wrestling Ben Savage on Boy Meets World, and I start to see more t-shirts around school that I don't understand. 

Obviously this isn't a history lesson; everything I've mentioned is just observation mixed with speculation, because it's not like I was just "unaware" of Wrestling... I was actively disinterested - which is just a polite way of saying I didn't like it. I still don't. But I'm preserving politeness because I didn't come here to shit on a most beloved part of Pop Culture. In fact, I'm here to celebrate it (in my own way)! As mentioned, Wrestling and Wrestlers aren't always confined to the ring -- in many cases, they were integral to stuff I liked too. I'd always maintained that I didn't know much about it, but when I started to compile a physical list, I came up with over a dozen examples of Wrestling-related things that I've experienced throughout my life that managed to win me over (or at least hold my interest for the duration). Granted they never tempted me to dive any deeper into the wide world of rasslin' but I'm grateful for these 15 contributions.

- Paul

Suburban Commando

featuring Hulk Hogan

My VHS version of Gremlins 2 did not feature the cameo from The Hulkster (nor did it even contain the alternate Home Video scene with John Wayne either). Nevertheless, Hulk Hogan was everywhere for years before this Science Fiction Action Family film came out in 1991 (or, more specifically, 1992 which is when I probably saw it on tape), but this was my first experience spending any real amount of time with him. Yes, it probably would've been unbearably weak without the presence of Christopher Lloyd, but the chemistry between both of them is undeniable. (Fun Fact: it was written for Schwarzenegger and DeVito, who did Twins instead -- a movie I like considerably less than this one.)

Slim Jim Commercials

featuring Randy "Macho Man" Savage

Macho Man is a good example of my inarticulate approach to wrestlers at that time, which is just a general feeling of "What's this guy's problem?" But Slim Jim knew how to harness and present that hernia-inducing energy and managed to create TV ads that felt like Action Movies. Matched with the fact that I'm a big fan of the product, Mach Man was always alright with me. 

WWF Wrestling Buddies

from Tonka!

Speaking of memorable TV ads! There was nary a commercial break in the early 1990s that didn't include this sales pitch for pillows designed to look like muscular naked men. Thinking of them now makes me aware of another reason for my disinterest in the genre: I really didn't have that little boy urge to beat the shit out of someone. Maybe I was born without that gene, or maybe I just ignored it. Or maybe it was upbringing; I didn't have the kinda dad that would playfully put me in a headlock as a sign of affection. At any rate, these commercials always depicted everything in a very wholesome light, making them feel very non-intrusive during any given episode of DuckTales. 

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

featuring "Captain" Lou Albano

Before his title role in The Super Mario Bros. Super Show and long before his cameo in Stay Tuned, I knew him as Cyndi Lauper's disapproving dad. He'd also pop up in her "Time After Time" video, and also the video for the Goonies song (which actually featured like ten other wrestlers). The Cyndi Lauper/Wrestling connection would baffle me for most of my life, until I read a SPIN Magazine article detailing her manager's love of Wrestling, and the casting of Lou Albano to try to boost Cyndi's fan base. (It worked.) Even still, when the Mario show premiered, my mom recognized him as a wrestler first because, to perpetuate the stereotype, she actually spent some time living in a trailer park in Florida. 

Stripes

Mud Wrestling

I'm including this because a.) this may very well be my real introduction to Wrestling, and b.) I can't seem to compose any list without including Stripes. (In fact, I'm gonna make a tag for it right now.) The concept of physical altercation as sport wasn't totally lost on me at 4 years old but there were definitely elements of this specific activity that were a little confusing - all I knew was that it was exciting when the girls lost their bikinis. Actually, in hindsight, I now realize that I understood everything about this scene as a child. 

Honeycomb Commercial

featuring Andre The Giant

Another supposedly fundamental experience I didn't grow up with was The Princess Bride -- which just means that my one true connection to Andre The Giant is his appearance in a 1989 Honeycomb Cereal commercial that aired hourly right into the 90s. The premise: four kids and a robot are enjoying Honeycomb in their treehouse when they get harassed by a giant who's hungry for cereal. Tensions are high at first, but everyone's shared adoration for the Post Breakfast Cereal prompts singing and camaraderie. Strangely, the Honeycomb was the least alluring detail for me: I thought the treehouse was rad, but more than that, the heavily wooded backyard with rich foliage bathed in late afternoon sunshine wasn't too dissimilar from my own backyard when I was a kid, but it was only that much more lusty when this spot would run in the dead of Winter. 

The Three Stooges

Grips, Grunts, and Groans

In this 1937 Columbia Short, the boys befriend a wrestler named Bustoff. Bustoff is a wreckless party animal who drinks himself into a stupor, prompting Curly to apply a fake beard and pose as him in the ring -- but the Mob has money riding on Bustoff, so Curly had better win (even with some predictably unconventional tactics). For the longest time, this was the only depiction of the lifestyle of a wrestler that I was aware of: the debaucherous midpoint between Babe Ruth and Al Capone. I had to admit, it seemed somewhat inviting. 

They Live

featuring "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

I'm sure I've told this story before but it's pertinent to this list... I was flipping through the channels during some weekend afternoon and I came across "The Fight Scene" on a local cable channel. The beginning of the scene. My mother was there too and neither of us knew what this movie was. After about 5 minutes we were convinced that nothing else was gonna happen in this film except this fight. Obviously the plot finally kicked back into gear and what unfolded blew our minds, but not as blown as halting the pace of an otherwise straightforward narrative so a Pro Wrestler can show off what happens when he runs outta bubblegum. 

Pain & Gain

featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

I sat and I thought. And I thought and I thought. "Is it possible I've never seen a movie featuring The Rock? Have I yet to smell what he's cooking?" For a moment I honestly couldn't think of a single one. So I went to The Internet and scrolled the long list of feature films, and I actually found two(!) that I've seen in their entirety, both for partially ironic reasons: Doom (as part of our Video Game Take5 episode) and this, absorbed with a glimmer of hope that a self aware Michael Bay Action Comedy starring The Scorpion King might be more intentionally funny than unintentionally. (It really wasn't.) Honestly, I find the man likable, and despite having seen him in almost nothing, I don't think he's found his groove yet (though I can assume it's not Indie Oscar bait).

The Ren & Stimpy Show

"Mad Dog Höek"

Perhaps I would've been more into Wrestling had it leaned harder into these kindsa extremes (pus, gore, etc.). The irony is that Ren believes Wrestling to be fake and then gets graphically pummeled in various ways, which furthers my point that, if it's gonna be so obviously fake, it should be cartoonishly so; there should be way more poppings of eyeballs and blood vessels. 

Married... With Children

"Flight of the Bumblebee" featuring King Kong Bundy

Clearly it's about time I made a tag for Married... With Children as well. The name "Bundy" always seemed like a questionable choice for a sitcom family in the 80s, but the claim is that it was a direct homage to Pro Wrestler King Kong Bundy, who actually guested on the show twice: once as one of Peg's hick relatives, and then many seasons later as himself, in this episode where Kelly convinces him to beat up Bud in the ring. Definitely two of my least favorite episodes, but the Wrestling aspect is only partially incidental; when this show wanted to go intentionally lowbrow, it went hard, nearly past the point to where someone as shallow as me thought it was stupid, and that's definitely what happened here. Still, we honor this figurative and literal giant for lending his stage name to this iconic fictional family. 

Ed Wood

featuring George "The Animal" Steele (as Tor Johnson!)

This one's all kindsa meta: Pro Wrestler George "The Animal" Steele acting in a movie about director Ed Wood, portraying Pro Wrestler Tor Johnson who's cast by director Ed Wood to be in his movie. When this came out I wasn't really familiar with Plan 9 or Tor Johnson, but I immediately changed that right after I saw this, and I'm still as startled today as I was back then at how perfect this casting was. The resemblance is just uncanny! 

1 Night in China

featuring Joanie "Chyna" Laurer and Sean Waltman

Almost immediately after the "success" of Paris Hilton's leaked sex tape 1 Night in Paris, Chyna and Pro Wrestler fiancée Sean Waltman voluntarily sold their own homemade video to XXX studio Red Light District, cleverly adapting the punny title. Even during the dawn of the age of "pirating" and "downloading", I actually rented this video from the adult video store (because when it comes to smut I guess I'm just old-fashioned). Chyna apparently embraced the attention and continued making porn movies, but my curiosity halted after just 1 night. 

Blade Runner 2049

featuring Dave Bautista

I'd already seen him Guardians of the Galaxy and he (like the entirety of that movie) didn't really leave an impression on me -- at best I'm sure I just brushed him aside as some meathead hired for his exaggerated  physique. Obviously I was not so quick to dismiss his very brief but totally memorable moment in this movie that didn't require muscles at all; he gives a decidedly subtle turn as a soft spoken replicant who enjoys reading and farming. Putting him in the role could've come across as ironic, but no one approaches it that way and the scene remains memorable on its own merits. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

featuring Kevin Nash

Lastly, what's a Bennett Inventory compilation without some mention of Ninja Turtles -- more specifically, Super Shredder! For me, nothing tops his menacing presentation in Part One - but that fell in line with the tone of that film. This decidedly goofy sequel only sometimes got as loud and colorful as it was trying to be, but this moment, depicting a giant mutated Shredder (played by Pro Wrestler Kevin Nash), is the crescendo of this movie's intended madness. Again, if Wrestling had ever featured costumes this over-the-top, it may've just piqued my interest. 

8 Lame Rap Songs from Movies and TV

As a rule, I try to stay away from compiling lists of stuff I don't like - it literally takes the fun out of the activity itself (and it's just bad for the soul). But, if we can find something that we can all hate on together, then it should create a nice sense of "community". Having said that, I'm banking on the prospect that all y'alls loathe these campy anthems as much as I. 

By the late 1980s there was obviously nothing new about the idea of the "Theme Song". From Dr. Zhivago to Love Story to Shaft to Footloose, a song that was literally about the subject matter could sometimes blend into that very subject matter - occasionally with a quiet dignity ("Moon River") or sometimes entirely absent of dignity ("Ghostbusters"). And then, at some point, I get the sense that Studio Executives in suits finally said, "The kids don't like Burt Bacharach anymore, they like The Rap Music!" I have no proof that this declaration was actually made but I can totally see something like this printed as a memo on Warner Bros. stationery. 

I'm not here today to talk about Do the Right Thing or Deep Cover or even Ghostbusters II (y'know it) but about the times when a rap song managed to minimize or even ruin the content, the reputations of the performers, and even the genre itself. 

Go ninja. 

- Paul

"City of Crime" Tom Hanks & Dan Aykroyd

Dragnet

It's weird that it didn't seem entirely dumb at the time -- that's possibly because the movie is equally dumb. Almost unbearably so. I love the 80s Tom Hanks Comedy Era but there were some major duds, and it's a miracle and a blessing that this movie got shackled with the rap song when it could have just as easily been The Money Pit or The 'Burbs. 

Sample lyrics:

It's a new sensation

We go down to the station

You're going to answer some questions

And have some refreshments

"Ace is in The House" Tone Lōc

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

One of those scenarios where it was like, "We already got Tone here, let's have him do a song." Technically this should've been a lot better, like maybe even a memorable hit, but to put it plainly: the song is just awful. Surprisingly, some (very sparse) interjections from Ace himself just makes the whole thing worse. Don't worry, ma'am, I'll find your pussy... CAT that is! There's no way Jim ad libbed that, it's beneath even this film. 

Sample lyrics:

If Ace is in the house, so must be Lōc

Blowin' up like a cloud of smoke

Checkin' all of his bitches at home

But I'm the dog with the biggest bone (woof)

"Maniac Cop Rap" Yeshwua Barnes & Brian B. Dub Wood

Maniac Cop 2

I was never a Maniac Cop fan. I find it equal parts dull and silly with a lotta squandered potential. Maniac Cop 2, on the other hand, utilizes that potential nearly to its fullest, making it as dark and mean as it should've been... And then we end with the rap song. To be fair (and probably perpetuating stereotypes) the "urban" landscape of the movie does lend itself to "street music" in the most pedantic way, but having the storybook version of a zombie policeman's antics sung to us does a disservice to both extremes. 

Sample lyrics:

He's homicidal and maladjusted

But when he busts in, your ass is busted

"Are You Ready For Freddy" The Fat Boys

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

I generally like all things Freddy, no matter how zany and far removed from the "child murderer" angle we get. I'm cool with the Dokken song, and I adore the Freddy's Greatest Hits album that has Robert England singing "Wooly Bully". I even like the Fresh Prince "Nightmare on My Street" song - because it has the right tone. Dream Master might be one of the more colorful entires, but this otherwise flawless soundtrack is marred by this tomfoolery that would feel even too dumb in Freddy's Dead. 

Sample lyric:

With a hat like a vagabond, standing like a flasher

It's Mr. Big Time, Freddy Krueger, dream crasher

"Ninja Rap" Vanilla Ice

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

I don't hate the song. I don't hate the lyrics. Hell, I don't really hate Vanilla Ice. I mostly just hate that it played such a precious part in the movie. This whole film teeters on the edge of obnoxiousness, and it's at this climactic moment that it slips and falls right in it, and then the Turtles would forever be synonymous with the incredibly brief era when we all fell for one Rob Van Winkle. (As if the Turtles weren't already dated enough on their own.)

Sample lyrics:

Rockin' the crowd the way it should be rocked

With the Miami drop that you like a lot

You know it's hittin' like a Ninja Turtle

When the bass kicks in you better check your level

"The Crypt Jam" The Crypt Keeper

Tales From the Crypt

It wasn't actually on the show, but it did appear on its soundtrack in 1992 - though I can't imagine why. Here's the thing: the accompanying music video is a wondrous spectacle of puppetry and lighting and booty dancers, all with the goriest scenes from the series cut in here and there. As a song, without visual aid, it's 3+ minutes of John Kassir's punny giggling set to a really irritating hook -- it feels like an hour. (There are actually remixes that stretch it out even longer.) Whenever this comes up on my Halloween playlist, I'm inclined to 'skip'. 

Sample lyrics:

The Crypt Keeper's in the house with a groove that's nasty and mean

Like the effects of a guillotine

"Conehead Love" Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Nan Schaefer

Coneheads

Danny Aykroyd at it again, bustin' rhymes with another monotone in-character delivery. I think we've all finally arrived at the simple truth that this is a fine film, but I feel like it's stuff like this that might've had us on the fence for a few years (or decades). Despite having its own wildly over-the-top music video, I feel like the song was pushed to the bottom of the end credits as a way of saying "Listen to this or don't, it really isn't a part this movie." 

Sample lyrics:

I'll never understand this planet

The way these humans love to ram it

I much prefer the senso-rings

And all the timeless joy they bring

"Addams Family (Whoomp!)" Tag Team

Addams Family Values

At best, I can forgive the "Addams Groove" from the first film - MC Hammer was inescapable at the moment anyways, and besides, I think the whole thing was meant to be satirical (or it felt that way at least). But in this case? Unless it was included to literally poke fun at the first movie's use of a rap song, this is a travesty that, it my mind, scars the whole film; for me, they're (sadly) inseparable. If these movies absolutely needed to have an original song (they didn't) then I would've rolled the dice on maybe some Horror Punk band to assume the role. If they were going for irony, it definitely didn't land twice. 

Sample lyrics:

Whoomp! Family, whoa

Whoomp! Family, whoa

Whoomp! Family, whoa

The Addams Family

The Passions of Elvis

A few weeks back, Elvis (my son) asked me where "my favorite place to go" was (because only a 7 year old deals in absolutes). I had difficulty landing on an honest answer, mostly because there really aren't many manmade places to go anymore, and the ones that are left have been sanitized or gentrified or castrated in some manner. But he answered for me and said it's "probably Horror Conventions", and he was probably right - they're the closest thing left to a toy store/mall/flea market on my own radar of interests (and I tragically haven't been to one in years). I took the bait and asked him where his favorite place to go was, and he had two (of which he made me guess). To reiterate, it certainly wasn't Toys R Us or Kay-Bee, so I gave the easy (and correct) answer of "the playground". The second place came as a bit of a surprise, though didn't take many guesses (because, again, it's a short list) - I thought of the most recent establishments we'd been to that had anything exciting to offer, which at that point was "The Movies". 

We'd seen The Super Mario Galaxy Movie probably less than ten days prior so it was still fresh on his mind -- and by "fresh on his mind" I mean the only possible topic of conversation that he was able to offer, and if someone wasn't able to adequately reciprocate, he'd simply monologue his thoughts and feelings. Actually, that pattern of discourse hasn't really let up since then (or since he could speak really) but the subject matter can veer off into other areas intrigue, like Five Nights at Freddy's, SpongeBob Squarepants, Minecraft, and also non Pop Culture items like Astronomy, Geology, and Meteorology. And when he's run out of things to say and facts to share, he'll write Short Story Fiction, broken into chapters, incorporating elements from all these properties into a decidedly-fashionable multiverse of characters and themes. 

I understand this level of mania only too well - waking up in the morning as my dreams transition into thoughts of specific video games or cartoon characters or toys or other acts of play, and those things dominating my train of thought as the serious matters that they are. (Summers were best, when there was no other business to distract me from this very important work.) To witness someone (especially of my own heritage) experience and harness and profess this casual joy of living is endlessly wonderful and fun, and sometimes generates a brief whiff of jealousy. See, I haven't fallen into a profound obsession over any form of Art or Entertainment in a long time - probably over 20 years / since early adulthood. Does the weight of the world simply make it too difficult to lose ourselves in the music anymore? Or did I reach a certain age where I'd simply already discovered every single thing that could possibly interest me? Frankly I refuse to believe that either of those are true - mostly because I'm constantly reminded of how wonderful it can be to be in that frame of mind, and I need to believe I can get back there. 

Maybe this is just the dilemma of Millennial Nostalgia - we can't get into anything new because there isn't anything new; I don't need to discover Batman or Ghostbusters or Super Mario or Jurassic Park because I did that already during an entirely different cultural era. But that's partly why having a child during this current period of time is only that much more fantastical: I can expose him to something like STAR WARS or Indiana Jones or Alien, and there's nothing outdated about any of it because we can turn on the TV or go "The Movies" and pick up right where the story left off. 

It's important to note that not only have I not pushed any of my interests on him, but there's also a clear division in the properties that we follow. As I sit beside him in the theater as we watch The SpongeBob Movie: The Search For Squarepants or Five Nights at Freddy's 2, I'm reminded of sitting next to my own father as I subjected him to the likes of 3 Ninjas and Stay Tuned as he happily obliged. (We also saw Last of the Mohicans and Dracula that same year but I'm not trying to call attention to the dip in quality over the decades.) I'm watching these movies that I would've otherwise gone the rest of my life without seeing, but I'm doing it through this sorta distorted lens where I'm watching them through his eyes and making sure they hit all the marks that he's looking for; without any effort whatsoever, my normal pretentious film critic filter is almost entirely deactivated, which still allows me to be opinionated but in different ways. 

What's all this gripe I keep hearing about "Fan Service"? The first time I heard that phrase as a negative (or in any context at all) was in reference to Rogue One (which at that time was only the fifth STAR WARS movie to be largely predicated upon nostalgia); ironically enough that's one of the few movies where I felt the winks and nods were integrated into the story most organically. But my dispute here isn't necessarily in defense of Fan Service, but that it seems like a completely benign insult; as I write this on the brink of new Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings material being thrusted upon us, I've only ever been under the impression that the mere existence of any and all of these microwaved Intellectual Properties are, by definition, "Fan Service". I mean, of course every moment in all these remakes and sequels is esoteric and referential - it's their world, and we're paying to live in it. While watching these Super Mario movies I wasn't too preoccupied or even aware of stuff like pacing and structure and character development -- One, because they actually handle those things pretty okay, and Two because they don't seem to be that big of a concern to Elvis; as long as familiar characters and locations and sounds and objects keep appearing on the screen...? Pure Cinema. 

Conversely, there are plenty of childlike institutions that I still actively enjoy that he just can't seem to get into wholeheartedly. Every day after school he does his homework while my attention is split between helping him with Reading Comprehension and watching the 1987 Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's sorta become a running joke now, how Papa's "favorite show" is Ninja Turtles and how it's the only thing I'm interested in. I've only ever been able to compound these accusations by dragging him to see the original 1990 movie (as well as Secret of the Ooze) in the theater during their respective 35th anniversaries. Again, not forcing anything on him, I know he like Michelangelo - he's said as much, and I spotted an expression of mild glee on his face anytime Mikey did some of his antics. And I know he digs Super Shredder because how could anyone not? But in his mind the Turtles clearly belong to me; for my last birthday I asked him to draw me a picture that I could get tattooed on myself, and so now I have this...

His birthday will forever correspond with the end of the school year / beginning of Summer, so that also means it'll usually be at the same time as the release of some big movie. Despite the fact that they release these kindsa movies all year long now, they still find worthy titles for the season's kickoff. In 2025 we went to see Elio, and as much as we enjoyed it in the moment, it left no lasting impression on us whatsoever. A real shame - Pixar is typically top quality, and it's always refreshing to fall for a largely original movie, but in this framework, if you can't get any good toys or Halloween costumes out of it then something's missing. So this year is the big swing of Toy Story 5, sure to stimulate the nostalgia bone of children and grownups alike, as well as fuel the fire for the cynics who feel they shouldn't be making any more of these. At any rate, the timing guarantees a core memory in the making. Actually, he was very apprehensive at first - his Second Grade classmates have already christened Toy Story as "baby stuff". Fair enough - I was 12 when Part One came out and so I certainly waited for the privacy of Home Video. But I explained to him how much I loved it when I was practically a teenager and so it's definitely okay for big kids too. (I could've explained how I love it even as a grownup, but my credibility as a mature adult is obviously already blurred in his eyes.)

I'm not particularly sentimental about him "growing up so fast", mostly because we're sorta in the midst of what I consider to be the best years. I've wanted a child of my own ever since I was a child, and that's partly because I just wanted someone likeminded to hang out with, and I'd say he's just about reached the age where we can sort of causally enjoy the same things together without either of us having to pander to the other. There's still a noticeable gulf there: I'm able to genuinely appreciate some of his pursuits simply because of his infectious enthusiasm, while he still struggles to simply feign interest in some of my hobbies -- like watching feature length films. That's why it was a surprise that he holds The Movie Theater in such high regard; I don't know if it's his attention span or it's a generational thing, but my kid - my kid - is only partially interested in The Art of Motion Pictures. If the title and subject is rooted in a brand name that's familiar to him (cartoons, video games, sequels, etc.) then he'll perhaps allow his eyes to glance at the screen to then maybe determine its worth. But with everything else I'm like a hungry screenwriter tryna sell him on the most exciting elements of every movie. "It's got a guy who kills women so he can steal their skin and wear it over his own! And there's another guy who's so dangerous that they keep him in a glass box because he eats people!" That gets some mild interest, but I know in my sad heart that it'd just be way too talky/cerebral for him to sit through. Having said that, it's become apparent that Horror is the key to (moderate) captivation, even more than Action Adventure or Comedy. (He was barely able to watch the last half of American Werewolf in London because he was too busy "transforming into a werewolf" himself.) Even just the scarier/gorier moments from the Predator and Terminator movies got a ton of attention and praise, while the explosions and shootouts and chases did little to delight him. 

Morbid fascination, or a distaste for the tedium of Big Budget Blow-em-ups? Who knows? Who cares? If he's anything like I was it's probably a little of both. The biggest difference is that, unlike my own parents, I'm not constantly reinforcing the idea that all scary movies are "really fucking scary, so close your eyes here because you will be scared." Granted, refraining from that kinda rhetoric removes just about all the mystique surrounding this material that kept me so turned on throughout my youth, but I'm also here to guide him through the aisles of muck and blandness and make sure to show him what I consider to be the best. If he wants to branch out into the schlock he can spend his prepubescence flipping through stacks of Fangorias same as I did. In the meantime, he's given his most positive responses to The Thing, The Blob, Halloween IV, Weapons, Primate, the entirety of the Child's Play franchise (with heavy emphasis on Seed of Chucky), and oddly enough, Misery, which prompted him to spend the remainder of the day telling everyone "I'm your Number One Fan". 

I'm making it all seem grander than it really is -- with the exception of Chucky (and maybe Weapons), his mindset is entirely focused on his very "Second Grader in 2026" goods and services; unique to the setting, but also unique to him. He spends hours at a time playing LEGO STAR WARS on his touchscreen tablet. He dances to AC/DC and INXS on his Amazon Alexa. Over the past few months he's drifted away from the "bedtime story" routine, and now the last moments of the day are dedicated to watching YouTube videos - either about storm chasers, or comparing the sizes of stars in the observable universe. Even through the filter of the 21st Century it's all completely relatable, because while none of us are exactly the same as our kids, we were once, in fact, kids. He likes waterslides and hide 'n seek and chocolate bars and bubblegum. He likes nature and science and stuffed animals and being tickled. He hates long car rides and eating dinner and brushing his teeth and going to sleep. He's frightened of bees and bullies and nightmares and bellyaches. As we grow up we tend to quiet some of these stronger feelings -- but in favor of what? I ask that rhetorically but I don't actually know the answer; we're desensitized with experience, but I suppose a generalized apathy is also a defense mechanism against the shit we deal with in the grownup world. But whatever, this isn't about the ugliness of adulthood, nor is it about me pining for my own past - mostly because I don't really need to anymore (or as much anyway). 

I wouldn't say I live "vicariously" through Elvis's optimism and curiosity and overall lust for life, I'm just happy to be around it and I'll do anything I can to perpetuate it; it's infectious and I selfishly don't ever wanna poison the well. The old concept of "providing a better upbringing for your child than the one you received" is a tall order for me because my childhood home life was top-notch, so now whenever the circumstances fall short it's that much more devastating to me. But Elvis doesn't know that because he has nothing to compare it to; objectively his life has been one unbroken boulevard of green lights, so in some ways, he's actually had it better than me - thusly making him a better person. He's more outgoing than I was, more generous, more inquisitive, and especially way better looking (even if he does look exactly like SpongeBob). I won't attempt to call out any of the shortcomings of my own parents and just say that I've utilized and bestowed their best traits throughout this chapter of my life that is "parenting", which basically just boils down to a loving and safe environment. I had that. I did not have the ability to watch any episode of my favorite show at any time of the day or night. I did not have four video game devices with an extensive library of games for each. I did not have framed posters on my bedroom wall. I did not have my own YouTube channel. (Make sure to visit it and "like" and "subscribe", it's a huge deal to him when that happens.) Again, that's still not me being envious; I'll take VHS quality gold over 4K streaming manure any day. But with technology, same as trends and culture and history and the color of the sky and the taste of a soft drink and the smell of a rainstorm and the excitement of a carnival, it all feels new to me -  and it's amazing, because Elvis told me it was. 

- Paul

10 Magnificent Movie Masks

Ah yes, the mask: a symbol of the Dramatic Arts, a valuable tool for the actor, a disguise to shield your identity from your victims/loved ones/law enforcement/Sally Field. In modern culture it feels most strongly associated to superheroes and weapon-wielding maniacs -- I got some of those here, but in choosing my absolute favorites masks it's made clear that everybody's got something to hide (up to and including who's really The Walrus). 

- Paul

Eyes Wide Shut

Just gonna go ahead and get this one right outta the way. I could do a book on these (I'm sure there are already several) and all the different styles and names they're given (The Picasso, The Jolly, The Plague Doctor, even The "Ryan O'Neal") but the one that stands out contextually is The Bauta, who nods at Bill and then later it's implied that he tattles on him. I have to go over there and show my face. 

3 Ninjas

We bring this movie up a lot on this site, usually to dump on it - even as a kid I found it embarrassing and rarely had a desire to revisit it. But what did stay with me, and still does, are these Oni masks worn by the 3 Ninjas. Like Eyes Wide Shut I think I was most attracted to the variety and how they all looked different. (I'd point out how each mask is best suited to each character's personality but you know I’d be making that up.) 

Dick Tracy

I'll always own up to my folly that I originally thought that The Blank's face was just his(?) face and not a mask; the movie is populated by gangsters with cartoonish facial deformities, so why not a character without any features at all? It was admittedly a letdown when it was revealed it was a mask, but then my life just became about wanting that damn mask (or at least the damn action figure). 

Nightbreed

Out of all the masked killers in Horror Cinema, leave it to Clive Barker to create the creepiest one, and leave it to David Cronenberg to wear it. It's funny that 80% of this movie is over the top far out fantasy, but the 20% Slasher portion with Dr. Decker is unsettlingly realistic. Dream Halloween costume (after The Blank)!

Demons

Clearly just for decorative purposes, and rightly so; this mask (which implicitly belonged to Nostradamus) causes a severe allergic reaction when it comes in contact with the bloodstream. So be careful because that shit is pointy!

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Another choice that's as plain as the nose on your face, but today I'm here to pick a favorite of the three Silver Shamrock Halloween Masks. Honestly, each one is only as good as the costume that goes with it -- I've been a longtime fan of Dr. Challis's Skull/plaid/Members Only Jacket ensemble, but as my tastes have matured, the skateboarding ballerina with the Pumpkin mask goes too hard to ignore. 

Magical Mystery Tour

There were obviously no limits as to how many goofy costumes Paul could talk his bandmates into wearing. However, as weird as this choice was, they managed to make it weirder with various morbid and literary subtexts. (The Walrus is, in fact, not a symbol of death in any culture's folklore.) 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

If we're gonna say Shredder wears a "helmet" (I would) then the "coolest mask" falls on Casey Jones. Looking nothing at all like the most famous Cinematic Hockey Mask of that moment, and only vaguely resembling its depiction in the comics, it sorta looks like The Punisher logo (which was once intimidating before it became misappropriated by a decidedly unintimidating demographic).

Point Break

Every once in a while I'm reminded that they remade this movie in the past 10 years or so. I'll never see it, but learning that the Ex Presidents masks don't make an appearance is probably what helps me disregard its existence entirely. There was nothing that wasn't cool about the 1991 original, but these masks made the whole thing next level. 

Mrs. Doubtfire

Never mind that Robin Williams was probably my favorite actor/comedian/person in 1993, the most exciting thing in this movie for me (and for every other kid who was obsessed with makeup effects) was the whole latex mask business. The fact that they took the time to share the step by step makeup chair process with the audience made this otherwise not-believable movie that much more believable. 

10 Pretty Poisons

Potions, tonics, elixirs, toxic waste - all the good stuff that did cool things and usually came in an even cooler bottle. They weren't always used for good (actually, looking them over, they all turned bad) but man they made for good Cinema. Salud!

- Paul

Formula 86

The Witches

I don't want any mouse powers, nor do I want to inflict mouse mutations on anyone else. I'm not at all interested in the mouse thing. I've only ever been here for the impossibly small glass bottle - something that cute and ornate can only ever contain something fantastical and dangerous. I want it. 

The Elixir of Life

Death Becomes Her

Here's another race where the small beautiful bottle comes out ahead. Besides, its effects are questionable at best: perky breasts & no wrinkles vs. cracking & peeling & potentially spending eternity as a severed head. 

Gleemonex

Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy

Indicative of the 1990s but also predicting the future: a pill that puts you in your happiest memory (the side effect is that it traps you there, turning you into a drooling zombie). Put this on the market today and the majority of the population would embrace it specifically for the zombification consequences. Predictably my even dumber ass just likes the pretty red pill. 

TGRI Mutagen

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

It had many iterations, backstories, and colors, but here in its own movie its appearance ranges from Creepy Crawlers goop to glow stick fluid, making everything even more aggressively 1991. (Shredder demonstrates that it can be taken orally.)

Magic Flying Dust

Santa Claus: The Movie

It's the secret ingredient that makes the reindeer fly (as well as unsuspecting children and eventually a greedy John Lithgow). It's also flammable/explosive so it's probably a bitch for digestion, but I adore it because in its purest form it's a sparkly gold sand that can only be enhanced by 1980s special effects. 

Torpedo Juice

The Master

The ingredients range from paint thinner to rocket fuel to god knows what else, and there are definitely some allusions to the nature of its taste, but it clearly has a seductive "power" with a promise of changing your mood. Or potentially killing you. 

Vegetable Medley

Gremlins 2: The New Batch

Time for my periodic push to make the Vegetable Gremlin a star. The Splice O' Life laboratory is really the key to the whole movie - it's how we got an actual variety of gremlins. While every deformity was the result of exposure to some serum or chemical, I single out the vegetable potion because a.) he's one of my favorite gremlins, and b.) I imagine it tasting like V8 (which isn't actually something I like but it has personality). 

Bio-Restorative Formula

Swamp Thing

Another green glowing goo from the pages of comics meant to turn men into monsters (for better or worse). It's basically baked into Dr. Holland's body, transforming him into Swamp Thing, while Arcane (the villain) just straight up drinks it. Results may vary.

The Lazarus Potion

Casper

Technically fuel for a machine that turns ghosts into living humans - you don't even need the body, it's all inclusive! I honestly find the set design in this movie to be really lame and fake, but this beautiful heavy duty glass bottle with the illuminated Hawaiian Punch is the best effect they offer. 

Adrenochrome

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 

I've no real experience with drugs and this movie (or book) doesn't really sell me on them. However, if the setting's right (kitsch Vegas hotel populated by anti-drug law enforcement) then I suppose I could be tempted by a little glass bottle of anything.