Uninspired Anthropomorphic Mascots

A clown selling hamburgers? A lizard selling car insurance? A tiger selling sugar coated flakes of corn? How truly outrageous! Some advertisers were bold and went all in on a colorful stranger that came outta nowhere to push their products on an unsuspecting public in the hopes that we'd all "get it". Ooh a stork, that makes me want a pickle! Then, there was the less creative approach which was to assign a personality to the product itself (and by personality I mean sunglasses). This concept landed great results with the likes of Joe Camel, Mr. Peanut, and The California Raisins, but not every tangible object lends itself to arms and legs, and can sometimes come across as awkward, scary, or lazy. 

Here's a handful of merchandise, commodities, and creatures of the animal kingdom that will come to life before your very eyes, whether you want them to or not. 

- Paul

The Burger Thing

Burger King

Alongside McDonaldland, there was The Burger Kingdom, ruled by the King himself and featured The Wizard of Fries, Sir Shake-A-Lot, and this talking hamburger. But he wasn't a talking hamburger, he was a framed portrait of a hamburger that just happened to be a puppet that talked. What? Had he just been talking food like the McNugget Buddies I would've been all for it, maybe infatuated even, but instead I just feel hurt. 

The Bic Boy

Bic Ballpoint Pens

The schoolboy with the oversized tungsten carbide sphere for a head is more at home in some kinda industrial dystopia like The Wall or Metropolis, which gives him plenty of street cred in my eyes. But I can't imagine that aesthetic is the most positive sales pitch with which to learn your reading, writing, and arithmetic. Had the Bic Boy also come equipped with a razor blade and butane gas, embodying all Bic products into one colorful Swiss Army deal, he could get his own Saturday Morning cartoon!

Charlie The Tuna

StarKist

The beatnik fish from the 60s certainly adds a splash of color to the canned food aisle, but his motivations are entirely ludicrous. Charlie The Tuna only ever wanted to be "chosen" by the StarKist Tuna Company -- that means homie wants to get mashed up and packed into a tin. I'm the last person to kink shame but damn. 

Tarzan Listerine

Listerine

In the early 90s Listerine employed surprisingly competent computer animation to depict the bottle doing things like fighting germs in a boxing ring or swinging on vines in the jungle to the tune of Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy". (For years I didn't know know it was a real song, just a commercial jingle.) My complaint is that, despite its bright mint green color (or sometimes pee yellow color) a Listerine bottle (particularly the label) is ugly - like a big Surgeon General's warning reconfigured into an eye chart. 

Herbie the Hot Pocket

Hot Pockets

He flies under the radar but you can still spot him somewhere on the box - though you really have to search, because Herbie the Hot Pocket is just that: a nearly-formless brown mass free of substance or personality (except, of course, for his sunglasses). Maybe his dullness is meant to be ironic, but Hot Pockets's parent company is Nestlé and last I checked they don't have a sense of humor. 

Mr. Red

The Cincinnati Reds

He's not the only mascot with a baseball for a head, but he's perhaps the first. To be fair, I don't particularly dislike anything about Mr. Red but when you hold him up against the other MLB mascots he begins to fade into the background; he's competing against birds, a dinosaur, an alien, and various bizarre monsters that look like they crawled out of the Sid and Marty Krofft workshop and onto the field. Suddenly "Baseball Man" seems kinda boring. 

Chicle Tabs

Chicle Tabs Chewing Gum

Chicle Tabs are like store brand Chiclets that you'd primarily find in vending machines where you could get a handful after dropping in a quarter. I'm sure my cynicism has something to do with when I grew up but I have a case of surfboards and shades fatigue; it's such a transparent effort to be hip that I can't help but roll my eyes. This is actually their older iteration, which comparatively was way better than how they look today...

The threatening gaze of a strung out addict

Various

Pictured here are the chilling contemporary depictions of Frosted Mini Wheats, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Apple Jacks. But this weak and obnoxious style goes beyond cereal, reaching as far as Jolly Ranchers, SpaghettiOs, and the modern portrayal of The Chicle Tabs. It's ugly, but the acceptance and persistence of this widespread trend of hackneyed artwork is uglier. 

10 Very Happy Mascots

Come to think of it, nearly all mascots are happy - except for Fred the Baker from Dunkin' Donuts who clearly wasn't a morning person, and also the Maytag Repair Man who was always one eviction notice away from taking his own life. But otherwise, it's the smile that sells. So do these particular 10 give it the extra gusto that allows them to be singled out in their own list? Maybe. Or maybe I just needed an excuse to explore more mascots. Follow me, I'll let you be the judge. 

 

- Paul

 

 

 The Laughing Cow

...as pictured on Laughing Cow dairy products. When I was growing up I spent a lotta time hiking in the woods with my father - sometimes spending a whole Saturday climbing a mountain. Amongst the many joys of this activity was packing various snacks for the inevitable resting point: water, sliced bread, fun size candy bars, and tiny individual cubes of soft cheese wrapped in foil bearing an overjoyed bovine. I can't look at her face without recalling sitting on some rock, taking in the sights and sounds of nature. 

The Rapping Rhino

Kellogg's Froot Loops

Apparently Toucan Sam was no longer cool enough for the early 1990s - after all if you couldn't bust some phat rhymes your ass was nothin'. Bring in a new jungle animal, blinged to the teeth and hungry for breakfast. Froot Loops had recently introduced green rings into their repertoire, but that really seems unrelated - I think the Rhino's brief existence was to bring the Hip Hop vibes, then peace out gracefully. 

The Great Rolupo

Fruit Roll-Ups

If your mascot is a magician you've already won my heart, I don't care if it's rat poison. Fruit Roll-Ups were/are incredibly tasty, but you'd have to be willing to endure the equivalent of trying to chew and swallow sugared cellophane. With the arrival of their new spokes-magician in the early 90s, they introduced Peel-Out Shapes that allowed you to punch out little pictures from each roll. First you'd eat the peel-out, then you'd eat the scraps. It psychologically made it much less of a chore. 

Crunch Berries

Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries

The Cap'n incorporated the little red berries for the first time in the 1960s, and to promote that he was joined by a manic buffoon called The Crunchberry Beast. Flash forward to the 1990s when the berries themselves are little individual beings, each with different faces and accessories. As pets I would prefer them over McNuggets any day - and I don't say that lightly at all.

ICEE Bear

First and foremost I'm a fan of the product -- you can keep your Slurpees and Slushies, for me it's ICEE or die. The polar bear will always be synonymous with that, so there's already adoration by association. But beyond that, he is enviable because of how chill he is - particularly in this 1970s iteration (which is the one I'm most familiar with). Heck he might be where "chill" as a slang came from. Then he became too "radical" and "extreme" circa the Michelangelo/Bart Simpson era when he donned sunglasses and a surfing iceberg (surfberg?). 

Mr. Bubble

There's an inviting warmth in Mr. Bubble's exuberance - there's an innocence in those eyes that depicts a sort of kindness; he's excited and excitable, but only for pure reasons. The only troubling thing surrounding this product isn't his fault (not directly): everything about it looks delicious. It was one thing when Fred & Barney were shilling cigarettes for Winston, but this toxic toddler soap in the bubblegum bottle with the Wonka Nerd on the label is so needlessly appetizing -- I'd take a spoonful right now!

Fruit Pie The Magician

Hostess Fruit Pies

Huzzah, another sorcerer trying to make a sale. The Hostess Gang (yes that's what they were called) was sprawling, featuring the likes of Captain Cupcake and Twinkie the Kid, while each character was usually just the anthropomorphic incarnation of their namesake. But the thing about Hostess Fruit Pies is that they're sorta formless, so the Magician is hardly more than a brown blob with a cape and top hat. Oh and a wand - that's the best magician accessory of all. 

Mr. Sparkle

The Simpsons

He may look perpetually delighted, but this brave corporate logo has no time for loafers and also promises to banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts. Regardless of the fish/lightbulb hybrid, his joyful exterior doesn't exactly match the energy of Scrubbing Bubbles or Mr. Clean - your options are to join him or die. Can you do any less? 

Reese's Pieces Alien 

Even if you were only a casual comic book fan during the late 20th Century then you know this bluish gray creature. Granted it appeared in live action TV commercials as well but I'm most familiar with these Reese's ads that ran in comics throughout the 1980s. The E.T. references are pretty bold, but this alien was bubblier and more extroverted - more like Mork from Ork, complete with its own language, like "Glubgrafutz" which means "I save the orange ones till last".

Little Caesar

Another rocksteady example of unwavering chillness. There were later versions, usually in puppet form, that depicted him as wide-eyed and manic -- leave that shit to The Noid. This is the mood we want - a mood that says "Once upon a time, I made the best pizza on the market." Maintain your arrogant pride you little Roman cartoon. 

7 More Mascots I Miss

In spite of (or maybe because of) my ongoing love/hate situationship with McDonald's, whatever's broken between us can never truly be mended for the simple fact that McDonaldland and all of its inhabitants has been erased from existence like Alderaan; we were gaslit into thinking Ronald & Co. never existed, and perhaps that crescent moon lounge singer was simply a case of drive-thru delirium. Unlike TV shows, mascots aren't killed off and replaced as part of some convoluted story arc; one minute you're singing Marvin Gaye songs for Sun-Maid, the next you're part of some faded nostalgia tour, playing state fairs alongside Spuds MacKenzie and The Noid. Point is these lovable heroes of advertising pack up and leave sometimes without even leaving a note and we're supposed to just get over it. Maybe I'm sentimental -- or maybe Flo from Progressive isn't filling that hole in my heart. Either way I'm not recognizing too many new (or old) symbols trying to sell me products anymore; it's as though everyone's afraid of accidentally appealing to children, and I don't really blame them - I can't go into a store without my son talking me into leaving with at least a 4-pack of Charmin because of the kinship he has with those bears. 

Point is I don't just miss the familiar faces of my precious little childhood, I miss having these colorful supporting characters to perpetuate the plot of my own life. Sometimes we didn't bother to learn their names, sometimes they didn't even have a name, but the effort was made to bring joy into our lives, and all they wanted in return was for us to consume their products. Here's a list of 7 superstars we need now more than ever. 

- Paul

Tang Trio

Tang

Existing somewhere between the California Raisins and 7up's Cool Spot, this gang of claymation lips appeared in commercials, on clothing, and as plastic figurines in the late 80s, but it was a low-key coup at best. I recall these creatures because of their striking imagery but I appreciate them much more greatly in hindsight; their longevity may've been cut short because maybe Tang wasn't really a strong player in the late 20th century - even as much as I adore these characters now I still ain't buying no damn Tang. 

Pizza Head

Pizza Hut

There were plenty of things that weren't my brand as a kid (Sega, Pepsi, Burger King) but when it came to commercials I retained no prejudice - I enjoyed every form of Pop Art regardless of affiliation, so even though I wasn't a fan of the Hut I always looked forward to the misadventures of this stale slice of 'za. I loved the "Mr. Bill" sketches on SNL when I was little and I immediately recognized the homage, but the more impressive thing to me now as an adult is the brave depiction of a food chain's main course as the dry, coagulated, rubbery triangle that it typically was. Bravo. 

Cap'n Crunch Robot

Cap'n Crunch

Josh Baskin must've loved this. Appearing only a few times in the mid 80s, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch enlisted this towering Transformer to help him defeat The Soggies. I've always had a thing for retro Atomic Age robots but having a legit Cap'n Crunch box for a torso makes it 100% cooler. 

The Micro Machines Man

Micro Machines

John Moschitta Jr. is his name and the gimmick was no fluke: in the 1980s he held the Guinness record for world's fastest talker. And when he wasn't doing voice work for the Transformers cartoon or appearing on Saved by the Bell or FedEx commercials, he was trying to sell us ridiculously small vehicles. I never really got into Micro Machines but I was never not enchanted by the magic show that was Micro Machines commercials. 

Unsinkable

Cheerios

For a brief moment in the late 80s, Cheerios had a mascot that was, indeed, a Cheerio. I'm not sure that he actually had a name but the message of all the advertising in which it appeared was "Cheerios are unsinkable", featuring a lotta sports and skating and competitive Mountain Dew-esque activities in which the buoyancy of the cereal was a euphemism for endurance. He was charming enough but the commercials themselves were lavish spectacles of cinematography and special effects. 

The Flintstones

Push-Up

Hey I got news for you - The Flintstones never went away. Even if you disregard their famously renowned and influential sitcom, they're still heavy hitters in the worlds of vitamins and cereals. Even more big news: push-up pops are still around too. But the marriage of these two cheap thrills was a secret third thing that nearly defined the 1990s with six flavors of sherbet that utilized the entire Stone Age Family and their pet. Fred & The 'Stones were a symbol of quality; I know I'd ingest any brand of poison that had Betty Rubble on the label. 

Ernest P. Worrell

Various

Unless you lived in or around Nashville, Tennessee in the mid 1980s you never saw Ernest during your commercial breaks. But if you were an Ernest fan you sure as heck rented Ernest's Greatest Hits from the video store - 60 minutes of 30-second spots advertising a lotta regional stores and services but also stuff like Mello Yello and Sprite. This is an example of how commercials can be better than movies - we get an endless amount of Ernest unfettered by some extraneous storyline, knowhutimean? (Yes I'm gonna use that phrase every time we discuss Ernest.)

7 Mascots Born in the 70s

Can you judge an era of pop culture by its corporate iconography? The 1950s threw a lotta sprites and fairies and elves at us, then in the 60s we started to see more burly anthropomorphic animals. The 70s were a weird mix of these plus a secret third thing that created some groovy cardboard psychedelia, complete with catchy jingles and colorful characters - in costume and cartoon form. Some of these are still around today while some didn't live to see the 1980s, but they're all in my ever-expanding Mascot Hall of Fame.

- Paul

Grimace

McDonald's

It's probably common knowledge now, but when this shapeless purple blob made his debut in the early 70s it was as a villain - similar to the Hamburglar, though Grimace's vice was milkshakes (and he had an extra set of arms to satisfy his greed). I love a good bad guy but I'm glad I was only ever exposed to friendly Grimace. 

David Naughton

Dr. Pepper

Granted, the song was the real star of this campaign - it was released as a single and the slogan "I'm a Pepper" began appearing on licensed clothing. The ads and branding spilled into the 80s (they even got Michael Jackson to do a version) but pre-Werewolf David Naughton will forever be recognized as the first Pepper. 

The Cheetos Mouse

Cheetos

I love Chester Cheetah - one, because sunglasses, and two, because of his unblemished track record of failure. But for the duration of the 70s, Cheetos championed The Cheetos Mouse who could do no wrong - he was as suave as Chester but his success rate was immaculate (considering he was already equipped with his own supply of Cheetos).

The Gumfighter

Hubba Bubba

Bubblicious was the bubblegum of the 1970s. Then in '79 there was a new gum in town and the spokesperson to announce it was The Gumfighter, a cowboy who predictably wielded Hubba Bubba bubblegum and would oust his enemies by blowing the bigger bubble. 

Alpha-Bits Wizard

Alpha-Bits

This character was better known for his animated incarnation in the early 90s as a soft, approachable cartoon. But he made his first appearance in the 70s as this overzealous live action mentally incompetent derelict who made Witchiepoo seem subtle. God I miss this cereal. 

Yipes

Fruit Stripe Gum

The obvious choice of the zebra used to be part of the Stripe Family Animals, which also included an elephant, a tiger, and a mouse. I have to assume it didn't take four animals to sell one gum, I don't care how many colors it offered. So the other three were let go and, again, the obvious zebra was given a name and took the lead. 

Cool Blue

Pabst Blue Ribbon

This one has become needlessly confusing as of recent; Pabst's mustachioed mascot appeared on all kindsa merchandise throughout the 70s so it's easy to assume he was a product of the time -- and assumption is all I have because his history is being kept from us as part of a more current advertising stunt.

In 2023, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Wade Boggs assertively (though playfully) claimed that Pabst Brewing Co. stole his likeness for Cool Blue. (For context, Boggs turned pro in 1982.) PBR laughed off the allegation while at the same time organized the website BoggsisBlue.com to raise awareness for his case. Needless to say sales have gone up - thanks to Cool Blue. 

New Flavor, Who Dis?

Ready for more Mascot Madness? No? Too bad, I'm going ahead on.

Sometimes your favorite brands may wanna branch out into different regions of Flavortown, and sometimes those towns need their own Mayor; Ronald can't be policing every precinct of McDonaldland 24/7, and every menu item needs just as much attention as the McRib or Shamrock Shake. So these mini bosses , these mercenaries, these Winston Wolfs who specialize in their areas of tasty expertise showed up in our lives to let us know that there was blue drink and chocolate rice. And no one is above the law.

- Paul

Boppin' Berry

Hi-C

Artificial strawberry flavor is otherworldly when it comes to gum, licorice, gummies, or any kinda chewing enterprise, but in pure liquid drinking form, it can be belligerent and vexing. No matter, this is about the Boppin' Berry itself, the anthropomorphic fruit that resembles the severed head of Meshach Taylor as "Hollywood" from Mannequin with a keyboard that looked like a 16th century ruff around its neck. A slightly more sinister sibling of Mac Tonight (which is pretty badass) and obviously more closely related to Rockin' Apple (who was fortunate enough to have limbs). 

Coco the Monkey

Kellogg's Cocoa Krispies

I don't know if Snap, Crackle, and Pop lost some kinda bidding war but in 1991 they relinquished representation of their choco-counterpart and we were suddenly saddled with Coco the Monkey. I wasn't a fan of of the monkey - the monkey had no personality or distinguishing features that allowed one to idolize him or cheer him on - he just gave off Poochie vibes. In 2001 we said goodbye to Coco and welcomed back the onomatopoeic elves (or gnomes or whatever) and life made a little more sense again.

Doublemint Twins

Wrigley's Doublemint Gum

Big Red had public fornicators. Juicy Fruit had skiers and surfers and shit. Doublemint had flirty twins - typically women, often in recurring roles. It's still my least favorite of the Wrigley family and it also had the least engaging jingle, but every iteration of the Twins and their otherworldly optimism was a lot sweeter and sexier than the gum itself. 

Great Bluedini

Kool-Aid

The Kool-Aid characters shoulda gotten their own Saturday Morning Cartoon, the end. Were that the case, this octopus magician would be given minimal screen time to keep you watching in the hopes he'd show up at some point and use some catchy magic spells or candy colored gadgets to dissolve this week's conflict. In the meantime, he represented blue, and if you were alive in the 1990s every form of blue consumable was an exciting and unique odyssey to be taken seriously. 

The Happy Meal Gang

McDonald's

Hamburglar sold the hamburgers, Birdie sold the breakfast, Ronald sold the magic, and before he became a symbol of obesity, Grimace sold the Happy Meals. That is until around 1980 when the actual food & beverage items themselves took matters into their own googly-eyed containers and suddenly our paper cup had a personality. Infinitely more dynamic in their design than the humdrum McNugget Buddies, but when they all get together, it's an exciting (if not somewhat unsettling) edible arrangement. 

Max Headroom

New Coke

I watched his cyberpunk TV show and found it to be confusing and dull. But him as a character, icon, spokesman, and cultural timestamp, I've always found him wildly likable. And I legitimately liked New Coke (or Coke II as I remember it) so despite the weight of this cliché it really was more than some nostalgia rigmarole -- I c-c-caught the wave!

Fido Dido

7up

For a clear soda this one's a little complicated. In the United States, 7up had Cool Spot, the red circle with arms and legs and sunglasses. And abroad they had Fido Dido, a Nick Toons-lookin' doodle who promoted laughably unrealistic proposals of peace, love, and understanding. At that time the U.S. division of PepsiCo didn't own 7up, so in America, Fido was the face of Slice -- quite the corporate whore for someone who declares "Fido is for Fido." In the end, Cool Spot had its own video game, Fido had his own underwear. They are not the same. 

5 B-List MASCOTS That Stole My Heart

Let's talk about sex, ba-by! This kinda stuff is the only reason for doing this site!

Ronald McDonald. Tony the Tiger. Mr. Clean. Sovereigns of Shill. Professionals of Promotion. These colorful characters managed to transcend their respective barking duties and become symbols of consumerism, as well as icons of popular culture. (Except for the Geico characters - fuck all of them.) But let's face it - we all get 'main-character fatigue' -- or maybe it's just me. Or maybe I just made up that phrase as a lead-in to what I really wanna talk about: B-List Mascots.

"B-List" not because of the quality of the character(s) or their ability to sell whatever, but because their existence and/or popularity is very much caught in a very specific time - and so, if you remember them, they become logos not for stuff, but for life. And as a member of a corporate-owned capitalist country, these characters didn't need syndicated storylines or three-dimensional depth for me to kneel and worship. (Some barely had names.)

I'm gonna forgo the history-lesson structure (which hopefully excites you as much as it does me), and just share my own thoughts/memories regarding these marvelous marketing maneuvers. And if I do my job well, you'll get strong cravings for cheese, toothpaste, and beer.

- Paul

Cheesasaurus Rex
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

I'll be honest, this is a pretty soft open; this is one instance when the product was considerably more interesting than the character. That's because macaroni & cheese already had (and has) a well-established fanbase, and I certainty wan't so persnickety to not be a part of it. That aside, this orange dinosaur was pleasant enough with a nice, warm look -- until it eventually became a monstrous 3-D experiment. But the thing to note here is: in the 90s, cheese was big. Everything became "cheesier" and "cheese-stuffed" and "now with cheese" and cheese, cheese, cheese - and more than any other demographic, they wanted kids to know that "more cheese" meant "more important." I certainly fell for it, and I'm still under that spell.

Mac Tonight
McDonald's

I feel like Mac is sorta the Waldo of Bennett Media; if you browse our archives, chances are he'll always pop up eventually. The reason for that is rooted in the strong, nearly-inexplicable draw I've had towards him since I was roughly 4 years old. McDonald's has had many faces, and most of them resided in the same McDonaldland that we're all so familiar with - but this bizarre creature of the night had his own agenda; a sort of "McD's After Dark" if you will (won't you?). I don't know if it was just an early fascination with the moon, or with sunglasses, or with exceptionally happy monsters, but when you put all those together, this guy was practically a Dick Tracy villain before I even knew Dick Tracy. Anyway, I have him tattooed on my right arm.

Sparkle Crest
Crest For Kids

Big ups to Crest for fully understanding what they had; the biggest attraction about this stuff was its shimmery blue color & texture, so they literally used the gel itself to create a group of singing & dancing blobs. So it didn't matter that it was toothpaste, or even that it came out of the tube in the shape of a star(!) - this whole transaction was grounded in glitter and the hypnotic powers of blueness (because all the best drinks and snacks of that era were blue). Also, sunglasses.

Elvira
Coors Light

Because of my age, this is most likely how I became aware of Elvira. Frequenting an endless parade of convenience stores, it was only a matter of calendar months before Halloween rolled around... and then she would arrive: 6 feet of cardboard and carnality, all in the name of Coors. But it was never really about the beer - in fact, this was working in the complete opposite direction of Joe Camel or Spuds MacKenzie; the combination of boobs and brew wasn't luring me into adult beverages, but rather legitimizing the idea that even adults could celebrate Halloween. And so I knew that, as I got older, I would never have to give it up.

The Handi-Snacks Guy
Nabisco Handi-Snacks

At some point in the late 80s (before Kraft acquired the product), a box of Handi-Snacks came with a sheet of Handi-Snacks-inspired stickers, and I still have them stuck to my toy box - one of which is this. To the best of my knowledge, this guy (I call him a guy because they didn't give him big lips and long eyelashes) didn't have a name. Honestly, I don't think he was even an actual mascot - but he sure-as-heck coulda been. I mean, he's basically a California Raisin with a cheese crotch, which is the simplest formula for branding: strip a product down to its bare ass, then take the Mr. Potato Head approach.
If anyone knows his name (or wants to give him one), please, lemme know: at which point, I will get him tattooed.*

*Who'm I kidding, I'm gonna anyway.