20 Fake Boobs

Tits. Jugs. Knockers. Hooters. Magumbos. Snack Trays. And about 50 million more. As much as I'd like to compile a list of favorite Topless Scenes in Cinema, this felt more challenging (and also less vulgar): miscellaneous moments when some breasts were used for laughs, for shock, or for set design - and they've all been augmented to be not quite what they seem. (No Big Naturals here, folks!) It's not difficult to understand but those who skipped this intro are gonna be confused. They deserve what they get. 

9 scenes. 20 breasts. Do the math. 

- Paul

Being John Malkovich

The script only describes her as "the woman across the table" but the slow tilt up to the seductive Malkovich smile is only further punctuated by his amazing rack. 

F/X 2

In order to catch a serial killer, Officer Mike Brandon must stand in for a potential next victim by posing as a vulnerable-but-busty shower babe. Bonus: you can use the nipples to call for backup. 

Bachelor Party

Tom Hanks battles various voices of reason while trying to not be overwhelmed by Monique Gabrielle's most noticeable assets.

The NeverEnding Story

This is when Family Films had balls (and boobs). Nevermind the bloodthirsty wolf or dead horse or the total annihilation of Fantasia - the most confrontational element of this movie are the big firm breasts of the Southern Oracle. We were all taken with them, though we never said it out loud. 

Fight Club

"Guys with boobs" as a gag is pretty flat (no pun), but Meat Loaf as a supporting character in a Gen X cautionary tale of consumerism and nihilism sporting giant fake bosoms is frankly the kinda Cinema we don't do much of anymore. 

Night of the Demons

Speaking of Groundbreaking Film -- a possessed Linnea Quigley applies a lipstick heart over her entire face and then inserts the lipstick tube into her left breast via the nipple. Audiences today couldn't comprehend this level of brilliance.  

Dumb and Dumber

While moments away from a head-on traffic collision, Lloyd becomes a deer in Mary Swanson's headlights. There are several puns happening at once, but it's also possible Lloyd has never seen real breasts outside of Rhode Island Slut. 

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask

Kaiju mammaries! Actually juts one singular massive natural courtesy of mad scientist John Carradine satirizing the genre he helped build -- with boobs. 

Total Recall

I'll admit it: I've only ever had trouble getting past the phoniness of it, and the idea of the deformity itself was slightly too odd to be sexy. But I'm an ass man so what do I know? 

6 Animated Intros That Complimented The Live Action Film Of Which They Preceded (as opposed to trivializing it in some way)

"You know what this movie needs? A cartoon!"

- lotsa people I guess

Hey, that's no way to start a film. Well, tell that to Saul Bass because however separate these informative little vignettes are, the true trick is to not make them feel disjointed from the entire tone of the picture. But to go out of your way to include an entirely different flavor at the beginning of your movie is a bold choice and its own art form. A movie like Grease or Catch Me If You Can don't necessarily require some expository graphics to explain their otherwise simple synopses, but they're so fucking good because they actually set the tone rather than merely trying to match it. Cartoons often indicate whimsy - perhaps you're about to see a Comedy. In the case of movies like Christmas Vacation or City Slickers the intros are so ridiculously lowbrow and irrelevant that they nearly derail the entire operation. This is risky business folks, so you'd better know a little bit about your movie before you go ahead and tack an animated short onto your story. 

Here are 6 that hit the mark for me in various ways that I'm gonna explain to you. 

- Paul

Weekend at Bernie's II

The Bernie movies are live action cartoons anyway (especially the sequel) so this is one of the easiest examples. Heck I'd go so far as to say that there should've been a Saturday Morning spinoff series, right in between Tales From the Cryptkeeper and Marsupilami. I want this to be a reality for two reasons: I want more adventures with Larry, Rich, and Bern, but I also wanna see how this initial premise would work in children's programming (because it absolutely would).

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

The only reason this works is because of how abstract it is; it's a sparse, disorienting doodle that lasts about 30 seconds - giving the cartoon babysitter nearly as much screentime as the on-camera one. But I'm discovering a trend: corpse-handling stories are best prefaced with animation. 

Night of the Demons

It all depends on the film: these intros are capable of dumbing a movie down, or giving them some class. Night of the Demons is easily the most glossy, professional looking movie of Kevin Tenney's filmography, and that's partly due to the fact that they pulled off an animated credit sequence - not to mention one so stylistically on-point that it could intro a Tim Burton movie. 

Four Rooms

I have incredibly strong feelings about this movie (both positive and negative) that I won't get into here. One thing I will point out is how jumbled and jagged it is (as anyone who's seen it knows) but if one thing unifies it into the nostalgic Screwball Comedy they were going for, it's the pitch perfect opening credits (which were originally twice as long). 

Nashville

One could argue that this doesn't count as an animated intro. That don't worry me - illustrated depictions of the entire cast presented as a legitimate trailer to introduce the film is more than suitable for this list (and one of the most exhilarating parts of the whole movie).

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Fincher takes his titles seriously - and they're seriously hit or miss. He'd done the grotesque graphic treatment on Fight Club and it looked dumb. That was meant to be more of a stylized transition - this one feels like a standalone surrealistic deconstruction of the tone of the film while resembling nothing aesthetically in the film. Typically I would hate a big slab of CGI dropped in for no reason, but somehow I find it refreshingly bold. 

STATIC SHOTS

It Came From FANGORIA ep. 5

DON'T EAT THE GUM unboxing

STATIC SHOTS

Summer Starter Pack 2019

Who knew this could be a series? And why the f not - we take summer pretty seriously in this institution, and it prompts many celebrations and rituals that border on the scale of Wicker Man.
While y'all spent the spring Avenging and Throne Gaming, we've been biding our time, waiting out the cold with Barry, Black Summer, and raising a little boy. But now it's time to put (most of) that aside and pull the pin on another season of sweat.
Yank it, like you're startin' a mower.

- Paul

Orange Vanilla Coke - Is that all there is? (Then let's keep dancing)

This was my Mueller Report - I'd waited so long and searched so many stores for this magic sugar - only to be somewhat let down (though, at the same time, getting exactly what I expected).
Vanilla Coke's alright. Sunkist is alright. Pet 'em together, and it's alright. I made it through a 12 pack and life is pretty much the same. I should've known: whenever stuff like this gets any kinda hype, it usually comes out the other end a little flat.

Quite the opposite of last year's magic potions - Georgia Peach and California Raspberry Coke - which both satisfied beyond expectation, yet received very little fanfare upon their arrival. Luckily (which is a sad, dangerous word) I'm still seeing them on the shelves where I shop, which, if I time it just right and Jesus loves me just enough, I may officially have a Summer soda for the first time ever!
So, the real premise of this movie is that this is the 'Second Annual Summer of Coke.'

***UPDATE***

Seemingly following in the footsteps of their superior, Pepsi has come out with their own line of fruity fructose - Berry, Lime, and Mango - and my teeth are aching to try them!
But in waaaay bigger, crazier news: as you've probably already heard, the great 80s crash & burn known as New Coke is being manufactured once again as a promotional tool for season 3 of Stranger Things. These cans of nostalgic failure are limited to something ridiculous like "less than 500,000" - which is enough of a threat to light a carbonated fire under my ass, so my guarantee to myself and to you is that I will not be left in the dark Upsidedown on this one. Stay very tuned...

THE EQUINOX - Damnation

Need some hot weather rock 'n roll that they don't play at home, in the car, or at the office? Try something new - like, really new: an entire album for those sunny days when you wanna add a little grey to your black & a little bang to your head.
You should remember we did the lyric video for "Stuck In a Web" a short time ago, and the album it's wrapped around will be a creepy good companion to our usual Summer Horror lineup; perfect for scarfing soul food at The Crave Inn and browsing comics with the Frog brothers.

Download the album here or get yourself some tangible media here. Pleasant dreams...

Linnea Quigley Movie Marathon(!)

Speaking of Summertime scares, pick a day (or more likely a weekend) to spend with the Queen of the Eye-Roll and the throaty Valley Girl sass.
Give the pizza dude a call and ask for the biggest pie they got (known in most parlors as a "Party Pizza"), secure a more-than-adequate amount of beverage (may we recommend forgoing any alcohol in favor of a name brand orange soda - heck, get some of that Orange Vanilla Coke) and obtain or rent or borrow or stream this stimulating filmography of carnage & carnality.
But don't overstep your bounds; films like Witchtrap, Return of the Living Dead, and especially Night of the Demons should be reserved for October. In the meantime, peep Murder Weapon, Creepazoids, Graduation Day, Nightmare Sisters, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama - no particular order, but definitely in succession.
If done correctly, you'll run outta 'za right before the end of the last feature, leaving you full of pepperoni and dreams.

Max Headroom - The Complete Series

We're breaking tradition by being untraditional; we've never seen the show, and we're electing it as a Summer series this year (which will psychologically solidify it as a staple of future Summers) because that's within our power.
Always felt a bit weird about not being well- or even mildly-versed in this icon of a decade; only through our awareness of 'Max Headroom the spokesperson' did we know him as a symbol of the time - which would be as unfair as only knowing ALF as a plush novelty, or "Frankie Say Relax" as just a t-shirt.
Good or bad, we'll be pleased to gain some additional knowledge of pop culture, which, in the pages of Bennett Media, is true wisdom.

It's almost time...

BEST SCORE
Zombie (1979)- Fabio Frizzi
Suspiria (1977) - Goblin
Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) - Wojciech Kilar

SCARIEST MONSTERS
The Exorcist (1973) - Captain Howdy
Alien (1979) - Xenomorph
Twilight Zone: The Movie - "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" (1983) - Gremlin

BEST POP SONGS
Lords of Salem (2012) - "All Tomorrow's Parties" The Velvet Underground
The House of the Devil (2009) - "One Thing Leads to Another" The Fixx
Little Monsters (1989) - "Magic of the Night" Billie Hughes


Tales of Halloween (2015) > Trick 'r Treat (2007)


AUTUMNAL
Flesh Eater (1988)
The VVitch (2015)
Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (1987)

THE HOLIDAY
Halloween II (2009)
Ginger Snaps (2000)
Night of the Demons (1988)

SCREAM QUEENS
Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Linnea Quigley
Danielle Harris

Critters (1986) > Ghoulies (1984)

GOREZONE
City of the Living Dead (1980)
Hellraiser (1987)
À l'intérieur (2007)

MIDNIGHT MOVIES
Tombs of the Blind Dead (1972)
The Severed Arm (1973)
Malatesta's Carnival of Blood (1973)

HORROR/NOT HORROR
Bone Tomahawk (2015)
Don't Look Now (1973)
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992)


Dolls (1987) > Puppet Master (1989)

HOME IS WHERE THE HORROR IS
The Entity (1983)
Pulse (1988)
House (1986)

NEW WAVE
The Monster (2016)
The Devil's Candy (2017)
The Blackcoat's Daughter (2017)

NATURE
The Curse II: The Bite (1989)
Slugs (1988)
Them! (1954)

BEST POSESSION: Craig T. Nelson, Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)


SCIENCE
Contamination (1980)
Chopping Mall (1986)
Arcade (1994)

BEST PARENTS
Stephen Macht & Mary Ellen Trainor, The Monster Squad (1987)
Holmes Osbourne & Mary McDonnell, Donnie Darko (2001)
Bill Pullman & Amy Brenneman, Casper (1995)

SCARIEST USE OF A BROOM
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
The Boston Strangler (1968)
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A VOORHEES: Deborah Voorhees, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)


BEST POSTERS
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
GhostHouse (1988)
The Video Dead (1987)