FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part X: "Arcade" and McCain Spicy Straight Cut Fries

Between 1989 and 1993, Full Moon Entertainment managed to become synonymous with Science Fiction/Fantasy, Gothic Horror, Post Apocalyptic Action, and Small (literally) Creature Features. Added to the fact that most of these movies shared production teams and shooting locations, the company's output managed to generate a sustainable vibe that seemed to be common across its films; a Full Moon feel. 

Though in 1991, Albert Pyun directed a movie with a David S. Goyer screenplay (based on "an idea by Charles Band" of course), and an Alan Howarth music score, about teens being trapped in the virtual world of a video game. Apparently, that "virtual world" was too aesthetically similar to 1982's Tron, and Disney threatened to sue. So, after some time reworking the film's computer effects, Arcade didn't see a U.S. release until 1994. But by that point, the whole atmosphere of the film felt kinda fresh alongside stuff like Subspecies III and Puppet Master 4, and even watching it now, a warm Southern California setting with a story featuring a bunch of kids is a welcome departure from the castles and dungeons and wastelands that are populated with beasts and dolls. The story itself is very much like Tron and probably already a dozen other works of fiction by that point: some kinda haunted video game (actually, Virtual Reality game) is stealing the souls of anyone who plays and is trapping them in its CGI world, and it's up to Megan Ward and Peter Billingsly to do some detective work and then become VR warriors to save their friends from a cartoon environment. People generally savage this movie for the lame computer-simulated scenes, but that raises the question: Compared to what? What exactly were all the really good examples of fictitious virtual reality - particularly in the 1990s? Honestly, outside of the trappings of an intentionally artificial 3D background, the story is gripping enough that is surely all sounded better on the page; it looks and feels and plays out like a soft R-rated Are You Afraid of the Dark? or Goosebumps episode. That's a really fun place to be in.  

This is our fourth recorded experience with McCain fries, which isn't a shock; they're "the largest manufacturer of frozen potato products, with 1 in 4 french fries in the world being a McCain fry." But we found a way to make that exciting (sorta): these are their "New Flavor" Spicy Straight Cut Fries. However, it's really hard to believe that McCain has never employed this specific flavor to anything before; if you've ever had anything in the neighborhood of "seasoned fries" then you know exactly how these taste. Who knows, maybe they added an extra milligram of paprika or onion powder to justify the label, but we're pretty sure McCain has dabbled in the "spicy" realms before. And they're not bad - obviously they're great! We just don't appreciate the ruse. 

The Movie: B-

The Fries: A-

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XX: "Eat My Dust" and Taste of Inspirations Four Meat Brewery Crust Pizza

Roger Corman movies will forever be synonymous with the phrase "Exploitation Cinema" - which was never accidental, nor derogatory. And under that umbrella he explored many (if not most) of the major and minor subgenres: Creature Feature, Sexploitation, Women in Prison, Psychedelic, Teen Deviance, Bikers, and that most indicative of the 1970s, Carsploitation. 

1976 marked the beginning of Corman's relationship with Ron Howard when Roger sent him the script for Eat My Dust. Ron agreed to star in it with the hopes of eventually getting the opportunity to direct a feature for Corman (which ended up being 1977's Grand Theft Auto), but otherwise thought it sounded "terrible;" and described it as a "zany car chase comedy with weak jokes and cardboard characters." In hindsight, that is the literal premise of the picture, and also an unwaveringly objective review. Ron plays Hoover, the son of the town sheriff, who steals a Chevy Camaro from the town's racetrack to impress superficial floozy Darlene. The two of them lead the town on a two-day car chase full of rural California backroads and hick humor and fiddle music. Most of the car stunts are fun and sometimes impressive, and really that's all we're here for. And while none of the jokes are actually funny, it's a much funner hangout to watch a Chase Film that does everything it can to let you know that it won't end in bloodshed; nothing is spoiled by letting you know that they didn't drive Richie Cunningham off a cliff as an analogy for some sociopolitical commentary. Actually, it has a decidedly happy ending that's almost thought-provoking (and for big bonus points takes place on Halloween).

The point of pairing these movies with frozen pizza was always meant to be an obvious metaphor for high quality in low places. But that parallel kinda fizzles when the pizza tries so hard to be classy, which is clearly the case with Taste of Inspirations Four Meat Brewery Crust Pizza. (You get all that?) Sure the pretentious name is off-putting, but the even more unappetizing thing is the bland box it came in; the mandatory closeup of the pizza texture is excusable, but the diminutive serif typeface looks like nutrition facts. To balance out the froofiness we reached down for the lowbrow Four Meat selection, topped with Italian Sausage, Pepperoni, Hamburger, and Bacon. As usual they're all a bit indiscernible when you mash 'em together like that, but the results were actually quite good - and a lotta that had to do with their fancy ass "malted barley crust" they're pushing. (We couldn't organically work in an "Eat My Crust" pun anywhere so consider this that.) But the most remarkable thing is how the actual cooked pizza is identical to the picture on the box. That's a truth in advertising that was almost nonexistent when it came to posters for Roger Corman movies. 

The Movie: C

The Pizza: B

Junk Food Mascots: The 90s Upgrades!

Shit got noisier, faster, and more colorful during The Last Great Decade. But that's because it had to: the salt got saltier, the sizes got super, and the corn syrup got more glutinous. To match that, advertising took the plunge into the neon pool of Pop Art and Wacky Pomo, creating marketing that would reach out of the TV, grab us by the ankles, and dangle us by our Air Jordans as they commanded "Hey! Come get this sugar, home skillet!" Not even the Noid would've survived this technicolor jungle, his clay ass woulda been dried and crushed into Baby Bottle Pop dust and snorted into the big red nose of some demented clown. This was the era of IN YOUR FACE and these brave soldiers got way up in there. 

- Paul

The Craver

Honeycomb Cereal

"The Addict" is more like it. The "Honeycomb Hideout" was sorta the star of the previous campaign (or maybe it was the robot who lived there) but those still embraced the "Yeah Yeah Yeah" jingle that went all the way back to the 1950s. All of that crumbled in the wake of this meth head with matted hair and a speaking syntax that matched the baby from that Dinosaurs show. His energy blended right into the mania of the times - as a result, he left little impact on me, but looking at him now from a distance, I kinda hated that asshole.

The Polar Bears

Coca-Cola

Coke has never had any truly pronounced spokespeople (they never needed one) - many famous bands and artists sang their jingle, but apart from a few plugs from Max Headroom, their main character was, statistically speaking, Santa Claus. So the North Pole seemed like a smooth transition in 1993 when they kicked off their "Always Coca-Cola" campaign that would ultimately become one of the most synonymous hallmarks of the decade. At the forefront of the campaign was computer animated polar bears that drank Coke, lumbered around, and groaned a lot. They materialized as everything from stuffed animals to cookie jars and we all just took it as it came. In this case, I wasn't entirely thrilled with it then, but I love it now. 

Polly the Parrot

Polly-O String Cheese

This bird that sells cheese has actually been with the brand since the 1940s. But when Kraft bought the company in the 80s, the parrot took a backseat to character actor John Capodice, who gracefully handled the task of pushing their "new" product: String Cheese! (It's the best part of the pizza!) Flash forward to the 90s when cheese products aren't just popular, they reign fucking supreme. Polly-O doesn't need to sell it, they need to represent, and suddenly the bird is the word: give Polly a backwards hat, some bling, and induct him as the fourth member of House of Pain. This is how a proper society functioned.

The Simpsons

Butterfinger

I say "The Simpsons" but really it was Bart. And I say "The 90s" but technically this crusade started in 1988, which means the cartoon was still only confined to The Tracy Ullman Show. I can only speak for myself when I say that I didn't take notice of these commercials (or of Butterfinger) until the family got their own series -- and at that point we were prepared to buy any and every thing that had even the most mild correlation to the show. But even after the mania died down, they stuck with the Nestlé company for the entirety of the decade, also appearing in ads for at least two kinds of Butterfinger Ice Cream, as well as the now-cult favorite Butterfinger BBs. After 2001, they no longer heartily endorsed this event or product.

Reba McEntire

Fritos

In 1994, Cheetos had Chester Cheetah, Doritos had Chevy Chase, and Fritos had... Reba? The task bestowed upon her was to bestow upon us Fritos Scoops (which was totally a huge deal) and then the new Fritos Texas Grill flavor. But this wasn't just some commercial cameo - she appeared on actual bags of the stuff, as well as shirts and hats and supermarket displays. Meanwhile, Frito-Lay sponsored her tour schedule for years to come, so that she could spread the word across the land about the night the lights went out in Georgia, and also corn chips. 

Gidget

Taco Bell

Not since Clara Peller asked "Where's the Beef?" did a fast food representative generate so much buzz (or merchandise) - seriously, I don't think Ronny McD ever even had this much juice. I feel like it was around this time (1997) when that brief era of Chihuahua Culture began (I doubt it was from Ren & Stimpy), but for me, this was about as cute and clever as it was ever gonna get; the absurdist angle was refreshing to find in mainstream advertising (compared to those Budweiser frogs this was high art) but like with anything else that generates "surprise popularity" they drove it right into the ground hard and fast.

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XIX: "Watchers II" and Dave Portnoy's One Bite Five Cheese Pizza

Of all the "formulas" (some real, some rumored) utilized by Roger Corman, they're all meant to land on the same conclusion: profitability. Sure he expected quality as well, so when his company put out a good movie made for cheap that managed to be profitable, he would put another formula into play: The Sequel. 

The first Watchers movie (which we saw very recently so expect comparisons) was released in theaters in 1988 and did very little business. However (and predictably) it prospered as a video rental. And so, directly onto tape came Watchers II in 1990, recycling basically the same story as the first one, which isn't weird since they're both based off the same singular novel by Dean Koontz. We thought the biggest strength of the first movie was its charming domestic core of a boy and his mom trying to rescue the family pet from bad guys. The sequel (which supposedly is more faithful to the book) leans heavy into the science/military perspective, and our two main characters are literally a solider (Marc Singer as Guile from Street Fighter II) and a scientist (Tracy Scoggins as Laura Palmer's cousin Maddy). Their chemistry is forced but pleasant; they never get annoying, but we never get invested. But truly unlike the first movie, the monster (called The Outsider) actually gets screen time - a ton of it (which might not be a good thing). In appearance it looks like an updated colorized version of so many rubber monsters that haunted so many black & white B-Movies of the past (many of them from Corman), but more specifically a combination of the transformed Dr. Z in Zaat and the Gargoyle from The Terror Within. It's adequately icky, but it's completely undermined by the stuntman's performance: he stumbles and waves his arms around comically and constantly like the robot from Lost in Space (or, more appropriately, a B-Movie monster with a rubber suit). Stuff like that makes us appreciate performances like Kevin Peter Hall as the Predator and how some menacing choreography can make all the difference.

We didn't know who Dave Portnoy was. We kinda continue to not know who he is - a quick search proved to be just boring enough to be almost sedative; despite our role in this medium, "Internet Personalities" aren't really our thing. But the one relevant phrase that popped up was the concept of "one bite", in which you're meant to provide a rating of a pizza's quality after just one bite. Coincidentally (or is it ironically) the first bite of this One Bite Five Cheese Frozen Pizza isn't particularly pleasant. Think of how many frozen pizzas advertise "Three Cheese" or "Four Cheese" or "Five Cheese" or "Every Cheese Ever" and in the end, it just tastes like one singular nondescript cheese. But in the case of this recipe, the mix comes across as aggressively salty/sour, and there's a ton of it; it combines Provolone, Asiago, Parmesan, Romano, and "low moisture" Mozzarella, and it makes for a beautiful color & texture that most closely resembles a Ninja Turtles cartoon, but the flavor is, at best, just okay. Actually, the closer you get to the crust as the cheese ratio begins to regulate itself, the closer it comes to nearly excellent pizza. But dude, you're gonna need way more than one bite to get there. 

The Movie: C+

The Pizza: B

STATIC SHOTS

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XVIII: "Slumber Party Massacre II" and Red Baron Brick Oven Supreme

"Wildly Original" is never a phrase that's given to a movie produced by Roger Corman, and that's okay (and kinda the point); the movies that were funded and/or released through his companies were built on familiarity. "Sure bets." Genre pictures designed/disguised as homages, spinoffs, and sometimes legitimate remakes. He'd produce half a dozen Women's Prison Pictures that were all basically the same, but on paper had nothing to do with each other. So whenever he initiated an honest-to-god sequel, you knew it was special. 

Then again, the idea of a "sequel" was, in and of itself, an homage to the 80s Slasher wave. That wave included 1982's The Slumber Party Massacre, which earned Corman & Co. $3.6 million (on a $220,000 budget). And since there was nothing passé about tacking a numeral onto the end of a recycled title, why not drill the same hole? Slumber Party Massacre II was conceived, advertised, sold, written, shot, and released in 1987 (and in that order). Per usual, apart from the supposed Roger Corman "mandates" (nudity/violence) Roger gave free creative reign to writer/director Deborah Brock, and hot damn! did she take advantage of that freedom. The first movie was a generalized satire of Slashers and the assigned gender roles in Horror - campy, but still aimed to scare. Nothing is "generalized" about the satire here: this is a full-blown Comedy Horror Musical (in that order) that pulls way less from Halloween and way more from Elm Street, while still being its own thing entirely. Slasher Flicks typically have long lulls of nothing as a phony means of creating "suspense" -- in place of that, this movie has original songs performed on camera by the whole cast. Even without comparing it to any other movie or category, it has a reckless energy that actually almost feels experimental. When we hear "1980s Cult VHS Exploitation" we're only ever hoping for something exactly like this. 

Also, whenever we hear "frozen pizza" we're really hoping for something like Red Baron - it's basically the standard that all the others have to live up to. And sometimes it's just too damn stressful to "fuck around and find out" and just stick to what you already know best - and this is best. Actually, this specific variety of toppings is new to us, but with a name like Red Baron Supreme, how could one go wrong? Obviously in 'za terms, "Supreme" just means lotsa stuff on it, and in this case is means sausage, green & red peppers, pepperoni, and onions. It's a true testament to its quality that none of these ingredients actually compromise the pizza in any way, but instead they magnify it. By some miracle of culinary arts & sciences, the peppers and onions on this frozen ass pizza taste completely fresh -- some wizardry that most definitely utilized some not-so-fresh methods to create that illusion. Whatever, this activity was never about nutrition, it's about total sensory gratification, and all those requirements were met. 

The Movie: A

The Pizza: A

Bennett Media goes WRESTLING!

Back in the 1980s, the stereotype was that televised Wrestling was mostly embraced by Rednecks and Trailer Trash. That might've been unfair, but in my experience it was entirely true; a lotta the kids I knew who were considerably less fortunate than I really seemed to embrace it as part of their personality. Then in the 90s, the appeal seemed to grow and integrate more into the mainstream, and suddenly "Big Van Vader" is wrestling Ben Savage on Boy Meets World, and I start to see more t-shirts around school that I don't understand. 

Obviously this isn't a history lesson; everything I've mentioned is just observation mixed with speculation, because it's not like I was just "unaware" of Wrestling... I was actively disinterested - which is just a polite way of saying I didn't like it. I still don't. But I'm preserving politeness because I didn't come here to shit on a most beloved part of Pop Culture. In fact, I'm here to celebrate it (in my own way)! As mentioned, Wrestling and Wrestlers aren't always confined to the ring -- in many cases, they were integral to stuff I liked too. I'd always maintained that I didn't know much about it, but when I started to compile a physical list, I came up with over a dozen examples of Wrestling-related things that I've experienced throughout my life that managed to win me over (or at least hold my interest for the duration). Granted they never tempted me to dive any deeper into the wide world of rasslin' but I'm grateful for these 15 contributions.

- Paul

Suburban Commando

featuring Hulk Hogan

My VHS version of Gremlins 2 did not feature the cameo from The Hulkster (nor did it even contain the alternate Home Video scene with John Wayne either). Nevertheless, Hulk Hogan was everywhere for years before this Science Fiction Action Family film came out in 1991 (or, more specifically, 1992 which is when I probably saw it on tape), but this was my first experience spending any real amount of time with him. Yes, it probably would've been unbearably weak without the presence of Christopher Lloyd, but the chemistry between both of them is undeniable. (Fun Fact: it was written for Schwarzenegger and DeVito, who did Twins instead -- a movie I like considerably less than this one.)

Slim Jim Commercials

featuring Randy "Macho Man" Savage

Macho Man is a good example of my inarticulate approach to wrestlers at that time, which is just a general feeling of "What's this guy's problem?" But Slim Jim knew how to harness and present that hernia-inducing energy and managed to create TV ads that felt like Action Movies. Matched with the fact that I'm a big fan of the product, Mach Man was always alright with me. 

WWF Wrestling Buddies

from Tonka!

Speaking of memorable TV ads! There was nary a commercial break in the early 1990s that didn't include this sales pitch for pillows designed to look like muscular naked men. Thinking of them now makes me aware of another reason for my disinterest in the genre: I really didn't have that little boy urge to beat the shit out of someone. Maybe I was born without that gene, or maybe I just ignored it. Or maybe it was upbringing; I didn't have the kinda dad that would playfully put me in a headlock as a sign of affection. At any rate, these commercials always depicted everything in a very wholesome light, making them feel very non-intrusive during any given episode of DuckTales. 

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

featuring "Captain" Lou Albano

Before his title role in The Super Mario Bros. Super Show and long before his cameo in Stay Tuned, I knew him as Cyndi Lauper's disapproving dad. He'd also pop up in her "Time After Time" video, and also the video for the Goonies song (which actually featured like ten other wrestlers). The Cyndi Lauper/Wrestling connection would baffle me for most of my life, until I read a SPIN Magazine article detailing her manager's love of Wrestling, and the casting of Lou Albano to try to boost Cyndi's fan base. (It worked.) Even still, when the Mario show premiered, my mom recognized him as a wrestler first because, to perpetuate the stereotype, she actually spent some time living in a trailer park in Florida. 

Stripes

Mud Wrestling

I'm including this because a.) this may very well be my real introduction to Wrestling, and b.) I can't seem to compose any list without including Stripes. (In fact, I'm gonna make a tag for it right now.) The concept of physical altercation as sport wasn't totally lost on me at 4 years old but there were definitely elements of this specific activity that were a little confusing - all I knew was that it was exciting when the girls lost their bikinis. Actually, in hindsight, I now realize that I understood everything about this scene as a child. 

Honeycomb Commercial

featuring Andre The Giant

Another supposedly fundamental experience I didn't grow up with was The Princess Bride -- which just means that my one true connection to Andre The Giant is his appearance in a 1989 Honeycomb Cereal commercial that aired hourly right into the 90s. The premise: four kids and a robot are enjoying Honeycomb in their treehouse when they get harassed by a giant who's hungry for cereal. Tensions are high at first, but everyone's shared adoration for the Post Breakfast Cereal prompts singing and camaraderie. Strangely, the Honeycomb was the least alluring detail for me: I thought the treehouse was rad, but more than that, the heavily wooded backyard with rich foliage bathed in late afternoon sunshine wasn't too dissimilar from my own backyard when I was a kid, but it was only that much more lusty when this spot would run in the dead of Winter. 

The Three Stooges

Grips, Grunts, and Groans

In this 1937 Columbia Short, the boys befriend a wrestler named Bustoff. Bustoff is a wreckless party animal who drinks himself into a stupor, prompting Curly to apply a fake beard and pose as him in the ring -- but the Mob has money riding on Bustoff, so Curly had better win (even with some predictably unconventional tactics). For the longest time, this was the only depiction of the lifestyle of a wrestler that I was aware of: the debaucherous midpoint between Babe Ruth and Al Capone. I had to admit, it seemed somewhat inviting. 

They Live

featuring "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

I'm sure I've told this story before but it's pertinent to this list... I was flipping through the channels during some weekend afternoon and I came across "The Fight Scene" on a local cable channel. The beginning of the scene. My mother was there too and neither of us knew what this movie was. After about 5 minutes we were convinced that nothing else was gonna happen in this film except this fight. Obviously the plot finally kicked back into gear and what unfolded blew our minds, but not as blown as halting the pace of an otherwise straightforward narrative so a Pro Wrestler can show off what happens when he runs outta bubblegum. 

Pain & Gain

featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

I sat and I thought. And I thought and I thought. "Is it possible I've never seen a movie featuring The Rock? Have I yet to smell what he's cooking?" For a moment I honestly couldn't think of a single one. So I went to The Internet and scrolled the long list of feature films, and I actually found two(!) that I've seen in their entirety, both for partially ironic reasons: Doom (as part of our Video Game Take5 episode) and this, absorbed with a glimmer of hope that a self aware Michael Bay Action Comedy starring The Scorpion King might be more intentionally funny than unintentionally. (It really wasn't.) Honestly, I find the man likable, and despite having seen him in almost nothing, I don't think he's found his groove yet (though I can assume it's not Indie Oscar bait).

The Ren & Stimpy Show

"Mad Dog Höek"

Perhaps I would've been more into Wrestling had it leaned harder into these kindsa extremes (pus, gore, etc.). The irony is that Ren believes Wrestling to be fake and then gets graphically pummeled in various ways, which furthers my point that, if it's gonna be so obviously fake, it should be cartoonishly so; there should be way more poppings of eyeballs and blood vessels. 

Married... With Children

"Flight of the Bumblebee" featuring King Kong Bundy

Clearly it's about time I made a tag for Married... With Children as well. The name "Bundy" always seemed like a questionable choice for a sitcom family in the 80s, but the claim is that it was a direct homage to Pro Wrestler King Kong Bundy, who actually guested on the show twice: once as one of Peg's hick relatives, and then many seasons later as himself, in this episode where Kelly convinces him to beat up Bud in the ring. Definitely two of my least favorite episodes, but the Wrestling aspect is only partially incidental; when this show wanted to go intentionally lowbrow, it went hard, nearly past the point to where someone as shallow as me thought it was stupid, and that's definitely what happened here. Still, we honor this figurative and literal giant for lending his stage name to this iconic fictional family. 

Ed Wood

featuring George "The Animal" Steele (as Tor Johnson!)

This one's all kindsa meta: Pro Wrestler George "The Animal" Steele acting in a movie about director Ed Wood, portraying Pro Wrestler Tor Johnson who's cast by director Ed Wood to be in his movie. When this came out I wasn't really familiar with Plan 9 or Tor Johnson, but I immediately changed that right after I saw this, and I'm still as startled today as I was back then at how perfect this casting was. The resemblance is just uncanny! 

1 Night in China

featuring Joanie "Chyna" Laurer and Sean Waltman

Almost immediately after the "success" of Paris Hilton's leaked sex tape 1 Night in Paris, Chyna and Pro Wrestler fiancée Sean Waltman voluntarily sold their own homemade video to XXX studio Red Light District, cleverly adapting the punny title. Even during the dawn of the age of "pirating" and "downloading", I actually rented this video from the adult video store (because when it comes to smut I guess I'm just old-fashioned). Chyna apparently embraced the attention and continued making porn movies, but my curiosity halted after just 1 night. 

Blade Runner 2049

featuring Dave Bautista

I'd already seen him Guardians of the Galaxy and he (like the entirety of that movie) didn't really leave an impression on me -- at best I'm sure I just brushed him aside as some meathead hired for his exaggerated  physique. Obviously I was not so quick to dismiss his very brief but totally memorable moment in this movie that didn't require muscles at all; he gives a decidedly subtle turn as a soft spoken replicant who enjoys reading and farming. Putting him in the role could've come across as ironic, but no one approaches it that way and the scene remains memorable on its own merits. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

featuring Kevin Nash

Lastly, what's a Bennett Inventory compilation without some mention of Ninja Turtles -- more specifically, Super Shredder! For me, nothing tops his menacing presentation in Part One - but that fell in line with the tone of that film. This decidedly goofy sequel only sometimes got as loud and colorful as it was trying to be, but this moment, depicting a giant mutated Shredder (played by Pro Wrestler Kevin Nash), is the crescendo of this movie's intended madness. Again, if Wrestling had ever featured costumes this over-the-top, it may've just piqued my interest. 

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part IX: "The Creeps" and Ore-Ida Star Tater Tots

From the very beginning (1988) Full Moon maintained a distribution partnership with Paramount Pictures. In '95, Paramount backed off as the Direct-to-Video market started to become noticeably less lucrative. And yet, for a moment in the middle of that relationship, there were serious talks about the possibility of Full Moon theatrical releases. (Obviously Paramount backed out of that too.)

However, during the Halloween Season of 1997, Full Moon unleashed The Creeps into a "limited" amount of theaters before its Home Video release that December. This wasn't on a whim - the movie was shot in 2.35 widescreen, and was presented in theaters in 3-D. Every Home Video iteration has been 2-D, and hoo boy does it make for some uncomfortably awkward compositions; long, clumsily blocked takes with no cuts or camera movements make the whole thing feel like you're watching a play. Nevertheless, with Charles Band in the director's chair, it still feels like very much like Full Moon. The plot is weird and demands tons of expository dialogue: after obtaining the original manuscripts of old Horror Novels, a mad scientist is able to bring Count Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, The Wolf Man, and The Mummy into reality. The scientist kidnaps librarian Anna (Rhonda Griffin) because he apparently needs a virgin to make his monster-making machine work -- but she manages to escape in the middle of the process, and so the monsters all materialize as dwarves. And so, we get a kinda Monster Squad premise, but the gimmick is that they're little people (because Full Moon). This does afford studio regular Phil Fondacaro to totally steal the show as Count Dracula, but really it's the draggy actionless scenes that manage to make it more tedious than most of their other productions. However, there are a few moments that take place in a legit video store, and so we get to have extended, uninterrupted views of posters and tapes of all the popular rentals of 1997 (with some expertly placed Full Moon promotions mixed in). 

It's America's 250th Birthday, and predictably, it's the junk food that won't let us forget it. (That is until they figure out how to make air conditioning "Freedom Scented".) Stars and Stripes adorn pretty much everything at the moment, and some modifications are more effective than others - case in point: Ore-Ida Star Tater Tots. Yes, they're just regular tater tots shaped like stars, and no, there's nothing "extra" about them -- at least not in the sense of flavor. But in terms of size and shape and overall impact, I don't see how we can ever go back to the regular cylinder-shaped tots ever again; these are full and robust and, if cooked correctly, crunchy all over. Like seriously, imagine a McDonald's Hash Brown condescend into a compact five-cornered form, and then multiply that into a generous pile of potato paradise. If this is how America tastes, we may be willing to overlook all those other pesky bygone blemishes. 

The Movie: C-

The Fries: A+

STATIC SHOTS

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XVII: "Watchers" and Jack's Pull-Apart Pizza Sticks Pepperoni

At some point in his career, it became a known fact that Roger Corman "demanded" that some form of violence or nudity should take place on every 15 pages of the script. When eventually asked about this, Roger laughed it off, admitting that it might have been the case on a few specific productions but that it's not his consistent work ethic. And of course, that's entirely obvious to anyone who's seen only just a handful of his films. 

Case in point: 1988's Watchers, an Action Adventure yarn about a boy and his dog on the run from bad guys and a big hairy monster. If that sounds fun and charming, that's because it really kinda is. Based off a Dean Koontz book, it rehashes that familiar midpoint between Short Circuit and Man's Best Friend, in which a kid (Corey Haim) befriends a stray dog with genetically modified intelligence, and Michael Ironside as the ruthless government guy trying to get the dog back. Oh and there's also some genetically modified ape beast also after the dog, and unlike the old black & white Corman creatures of yesteryear, the filmmakers were obviously just too damn embarrassed to ever really show it to us; at best, we get some glimpses of a murky combination of the goblins of Nilbog, the troll from Ernest Scared Stupid, and Fluffy from Creepshow. But it doesn't really matter, it's the carnage that the monster leaves in its path that's the real fx spectacle; beyond making the point that obviously not all Roger Corman movies were packed with Exploitation hallmarks, the gore in this film is sparse, but very notable. Real life Corey Haim girlfriend Lala plays his movie girlfriend, but she sits out most of the game, so instead we get Barbara Williams as Corey's cool mom / a female lead, resulting is what almost accidentally becomes a really sweet dysfunctional family fable. 

 

Keeping with the theme of "genetically modified", here's another specimen that does not occur naturally in the universe: Jack's Pull-Apart Pizza Sticks. Ideally, they're sorta long slender pizza rolls, all kinda fused together, allowing you to pull them apart. On paper it's all a very wonderful idea, but in reality something clearly went wrong. It's really hard to determine as to whether they were going for "crispy" or "doughy" with the outer crust, leaving us with something that more closely resembles "chalky". Ultimately that creates something that can be best described as a "rolled up Ellio's Pizza" - which really isn't a bad thing in any scenario... Still though, the thought of "cheese and sauce and pepperoni filled breadsticks" is something that someone's gotta perfect in the future. Somebody get Michael Ironside on this ASAP. 

The Movie: B+

The Pizza: C-

SUMMER SNACKS!

I got my lunchbox and I'm armed real well.

The whistle's blown -- Breaktime! That means let's all pile into the break room, where the trash hasn't been emptied since February and the microwave still smells like tuna casserole. Such a soothing way to unwind.

I don't know about you but I haven't seen any miraculous new snacks out in the wild, nor have I heard of anything major on the horizon. My educated observation in regards to this apparent drought is that, in the true spirit of America, the name brands chose the path of laziness and just put red, white, and blue stuff all over their already existing flavors to commemorate the country's 250th birthday. Seriously - Mountain Dew has been rebranded as American Dew. (Frankly they should just go ahead and call it that from now on.) So, in lieu of a slew of new & improved Joker products, we're raiding the cabinets of the kitchenette and turning any lemons we find into a passable sugary citrus fruit drink. And then, it's back to work. 

- Paul

Albanese Firecracker Gummi Bears

Not all of the patriotic stuff is confined to fancy wrapping -- there's some stuff out there that's made to taste like honest-to-goodness freedom! (Results may vary.) The gimmick here is that these are supposed to taste like the flag-colored staple of all ice cream trucks: The Bomb Pop. Of course, that's its copyrighted origins, which Albanese dances around in their description: "Nostalgic flavor combination of Cherry, Lemon-Lime, & Blue Raspberry. This Firecracker Pop flavor is so bomb." Thanks, Albanese, for talking like someone's aunty.

I never went for Bomb Pops (also sometimes called Rocket Pops) because, despite their undeniable phallic beauty, it was a boring flavor experience. And these 'gummi bears' have captured it perfectly - from the disruptive sourness to the overall sense of feeling watered down. Variety is high on my list of gummy criteria, and this narrow assortment of blue and red bears had no differentiation between them beyond appearance - they were all equally dull. 

Capri Sun in Bottles(!)

There are some kid things that I feel kinda stupid doing as an adult: riding a bike, playing video games, anticipating the future with trust and optimism, and drinking out of juice boxes. Juice pouches to be more specific - an act I always found to be rife with flaws. Firstly, I can't see the beverage, and as a predominately visual person, I feel that hiding the actual drink is a disservice (the deliciously neon green Ecto Cooler was the biggest victim of this). Second, I find these hospital bags of fluid to be ergonomically unfriendly, leaving the only effective way to hold & sip is by pinching the side with your fingers like a ponce. And the third reason is entirely on me: I'm completely inept at inserting the straw in these things - I usually end up with a broken container, a broken straw, and wet pants. (Picture the impaling scene from the Bram Stoker's Dracula prologue, but with juice bags.)

So imagine my glee when I found these cute 12 oz. bottles of the famously pouched nectar of the 90s. Apparently they did something like this decades ago but I musta been busy because this feels revelatory. Nevertheless! I'd heard that the flavor was all wrong, that it was "different" from the punches. I figured I'd had so much distance from the source material that I wouldn't notice. What I did notice is that the plastic bottles seem to create a mild taste of... plastic. Oh Capri Sun, will you ever win?

Bubble Yum Lollipops

No wheels are being reinvented here: Charms cornered the market on a bubblegum center decades ago, and even that was just a spin on the Tootsie Pop. But c'mon, it's Bubble Yum! It's got the Alt Rock Duck on it and everything! Honestly I'm not even a fan of lollipops or Blow Pops or anything, I kinda just liked having this bag around. 

But since I had them, I tried them. And I have notes. The pops came in four decidedly early 90s flavors: Green Apple, Strawberry, Watermelon, and Cotton Candy. No complaints there, but the tiny morsel of gum at its core (smaller than Blow Pops' I'm sure) is plainly "Bubblegum Flavor". This, I feel, is a missed opportunity to fuck shit up in all the best ways. Why not "Cotton Candy Flavor" in the Cotton Candy pop? Or, do flavor mixes: "Raspberry Gum" in the Watermelon pop, "Orange Gum" in the Strawberry pop. Or, do the "Mystery" thing: Guess the Flavor! Does none of this seem like an obvious course of action, or am I the only Millennial left alive? 

Canada Dry Strawberry Fruit Splash Ginger Ale

I became enamored with the Cherry Fruit Splash flavor during my hedonistic Cherry Orgy a while back. But the whole point of that debauchery was to illustrate how well the cherry marries to the cola. And I have to say that my experiences with carbonated strawberry drinks (along with several other fruits) can often be confrontational; unlike the casual company of Cherry, when something's labeled Strawberry, they want you to goddamn know it! 

But alas, Canada Dry has figured it out yet again, managing to keep the fruit at a safe enough distance so you don't feel like you're being pestered. What they got right is they still include that vague Ginger Ale spice, preventing it from becoming an all out Strawberry assault. (The fact that they held back on the Red Dye was a reassuring indicator.) Actually, I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Zero Sugar version is actually an even better balance of ingredients. (Part of that is because I don't really like full flavor Ginger Ale, it reminds me of being nauseous.)

Heinz Ketchup in Glass Bottles(!!!)

I mean yeah, if we're rummaging through the break room, obviously a full ketchup bottle is a major find. But all roleplaying aside, this is Huge! Like Major Hooters HUGE! Many, many years ago I suddenly had the urge to start purchasing ketchup in the old fashioned glass bottles - for nostalgic reasons, for art, for science, and also because they're awesome. And that's when I learned: Heinz Ketchup in glass bottles were no longer available in mainstream grocery outlets. I was in the middle of the age of plastic squeeze and I didn't even know it. I'd heard over the years about online retailers or smaller markets selling them at outrageous prices. Many times I even came close to getting an empty one off eBay and filling it from the newer squirt bottles, but I guess I just became less adventurous over the years. 

But sometimes, adventure finds us - maybe as we're casually walking through Walmart, in search of sweatpants and clearanced April O'Neal figures, and we happen upon a full endcap of symmetrically faced ketchup bottles that would've made Andy Warhol horny. I've not done any extra reading on this promotion or have an idea as to how long it'll last or even if it is a promotion, but I know I'm alive, and to prove it, I'm living in the moment.