STATIC SHOTS

WHAP! THWACK! SPLAT! Cum On Feel My COMIC BOOKS

My relationship with comic books is an emblematic reversal of the poles; I'll buy a comic if it's based on a movie, show, or some other previously published piece of pop. It was just part of the package: buy the poster, buy the soundtrack, buy the trading cards, buy the action figures, buy the video game, buy the t-shirt, buy the Happy Meal, buy the comic book. To me, Batman was a movie, Wonder Woman was a TV show, and Tank Girl was Lori Petty in a bra and shorts; these crude little pamphlets from which they derived were merely charming keepsakes to commemorate a larger, more interesting spectacle. That's just a pretentious way of me waggling my dick at ephemeral souvenirs; I wouldn't seek them out and keep them were I not to appreciate their sentimental value. I cherish any visual or reading additives to whatever I'm into at any given time (which is just an inventory of all the same stuff at all times) and through turmoil and tragedy, I've lost many comics, so I cherish even deeper. Here are nine (9) that need little explanation because, as noted, we already know what they're about. 

- Paul

James Bond Jr.

Does anyone remember this show except for me? It even had its own shitty SNES game and crude action figures, but I might be the only person who was familiar with the Son of 007 before I'd ever even heard of 007. When Goldeneye came out I thought it was a clever live action spinoff.

But it must've been popular enough: Hasbro and Nintendo aside, they don't give a Marvel Comic Book to just anyone - I don't care who their father is.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

For however much Elvira "stuff" there was at the height of her popularity, there wasn't nearly enough. Max Headroom had more merch and he wasn't nearly as cool or sexy. Knowing this, if you find anything pre-21st century, grab and squeeze with both hands. 

Even the quality of this isn't really cutting any mustard. I can pretend these crude underground sketches kinda match the spooky punk charisma she brings, but really she deserves more.

Labyrinth

You know how 2D cartoon characters look weird when they're 3 dimensional? I'm the same with the other way around - particularly Muppets; flat, illustrated Muppets look anatomically obscure to me.

My weird hangups aside, I have to say that, unlike nowadays, this movie version is infinitely more visually compelling than this comic book. Plus no songs. 

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Now here's a movie with merchandise! Amongst the bounty of treasures they released to promote this flick, there was a concurrent trading card and comic series released by Topps - and they were, in fact, tops.

Glossy pages of unique artwork that doesn't necessarily reflect the look of the film but compliments it in such a way that suggests "this is what the comic book version would look like."

True Stories of Adult Film Stars: Jeanna Fine

Firstly I adore the Carnal Comics logo - mostly because I love brand parody, but also because no one ever seems to dare to satirize Marvel. But this book is uninhibited in that way - in every way really.

This pulpy smut rag is cowritten by Jeanna as a sorta autobiography detailing her rise to fame - without the boring parts. It also offers me dozens of tattoo ideas.

The California Raisins 3D

To my absolute delight, they had a comic (sorta)! There was a very short series of these 3D adventures involving Big Burger and his fast food henchman causing chaos throughout Raisinville.

Sounds like the most spectacular piece of illustrated literature ever published - only to be balked by the banal gimmick of off center red and blue outlines. No maroon, no bueno. 

The Ren & Stimpy Show

All the 'toons of my youth (Beavis and Butt-head, Animaniacs, The Simpsons) got the comic treatment and I consumed them like fries. I always shopped for trading cards (R&S had them too) but if a familiar image graced the cover of a comic, I snatched it. And that was the thing with cartoons: these covers looked exactly how they looked. 

I don't digest comics well - they don't read fluidly to me. That added to the absence of the voice actors and writing that doesn't live up to the source material equals a lotta disappointment. 

The Joker

What's this?! The Jester of Genocide has his own comic?! I know, I'm sure sure there's been a million of them at this point (and a movie), but imagine my initial discovery of finding pages of just Joker without all the Batman/Bruce Wayne melodrama. 

The joy of this is the now-vintage illustrations that makes each page and incarnation look like officially licensed apparel from 1975. 

Little Monsters

These are precious - to me and in general. Outside of the pocket-sized novelization was this collection of six issues not-entirely-based on the original plot per se, but rather took us on further escapades with Brain and Maurice.

As a concept, it's just more Little Monsters, and in my mind that feels like a movie franchise or TV series, but apparently this is just how comic books work. Now if they'd just make movies out of 'em...

TRADING CARDS :: 6 More Random Picks

I kinda love the mixed-bag approach to this series; it's a bore trying to come up with different ways to say "And here's Vicki Vale looking disheveled" five times in a row. Not that I couldn't, mind you, but we've left too much unexplored to stay stuck in the norm. 

- Paul

SAVED BY THE BELL THE COLLEGE YEARS (#46) "Rush Week" -- Pacific, 1994

If you haven't seen The College Years (or The College Year more accurately) you've done yourself a disservice. It's as every bit as joyous and daft as the original series with only very mild young adult overtones. The bulk of this set is posed publicity photos of the cast, but there are a few like this that give you a sense of just how seriously they took this short-lived spinoff. If it's what you're into, you'll be into it.

ROCKCARDS (#20) "David Lee Roth" -- RockCards Inc., 1991

Just having these cards in my collection made me feel more grown up (or at least like a teenager). Not unlike so many sports cards, this series helped me learn the players' names and which teams they were on and what position they played. And I could bring this knowledge to MTV and have a more enjoyable viewing experience. And it should be noted: Dave isn't posing here, this is how he looks all the time. 

THE NATURAL "Pop Fisher" -- 2007

Do you have a Wilford Brimley card? If you don't, you wish you did. Packaged with the 2007 Director's Cut DVD of The Natural was a New York Knights ball cap, a baseball signed by Roy Hobbs, and 5 trading cards - one of which is this Pop Fisher portrait that looks pretty convincing as an antique. All physical media should come with prizes. 

CONEHEADS (#61) "Inside Beldar Conehead" -- Topps, 1993

I found out about these too late, which sucks because I would've consumed them in mass quantities. Putting aside my own passion for this flick, this really is a perfect movie to get its own card series; beyond the makeup and costumes, each scene is its own short comedy sketch (as depicted here) which makes for a great "collect 'em all!" scenario. And that pink border is just too bodacious. 

BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (#18) -- Pro Set, 1991

I can hear this image - as they say. Out of context, most of the frames from this movie are hilariously bizarre. But I chose this one because, in context, the Napoleon subplot is kinda the best part of the movie for too many reasons to list. 

VIDEO VIXENS (#30) "Jeanna Fine" -- Decisive Marketing, 1992

This is by far the most modest Adult trading card I have, but it's the most valued; Jeanna Fine was/is my favorite entertainer in the industry - appearing in Party Doll A Go-Go (1 & 2), The Adventures of Dick Black, Cycle Sluts, Malibu Spice, Edward Penishands, and hundreds of others, as well as cameos in mainstream stuff like Hack-o-Lantern and Boondock Saints. Point is, this isn't my only Jeanna Fine card, and I point that out because it's just wonderful that there was a time when everything including subject matter like this was available in foil-wrapped packages. 

I Seek The Grail(s)!

I got a lotta shit. We've looked at a lot of it together, you & I, and we'll continue to do so whether you like it or not. In the meantime, we need to take a look at the shit I don't got; these are the big ones I wish I could whip out to impress you all, but I've yet to be endowed as such. These are things -- real, tangible things that are out there, out of my reach, yet they define me in an almost mathematically correct way. I'm not so enlightened that I'm beyond the value of material possessions - on the contrary, I find them to be one of the most fun and fascinating facets of existence. So I have no shame in admitting that, without these treasures in my arsenal, I am but merely an abstraction of my full potential. Join me in yearning.

- Paul

Zelda II store display

Store displays of any kind are topnotch riches - because of their scarcity, but mostly because of their beauty. So this gorgeous cardboard monument to one of my favorite video games will never not be on my radar. Also, for all its popularity upon its release, folks don't have a lotta love for this installment in the Zelda franchise anymore - which only intensifies my belief that this piece of art should only belong to me.

Estimated Value: $10,000.00

Freddy Krueger vending machine sticker

Vending machine stickers are still a thing - kinda. You can usually still grab some at the supermarket outta machines that now resemble the charred Chrysler LeBaron at the end of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. But back in the late 80s, they seemed to be everywhere - up to & including my local roller rink, which is where I actually acquired and once owned this now-lost Elm Street sticker. It clung to my dresser drawer, illuminated in my blood-red nightlight, making sure I never slept again. I had a handful of these Horror-themed stickers, but this one is still my dream master. 

Estimated Value: $40.00

Thing t-shirt

The '91 Addams Family movie was merchandised exquisitely, and I ate its cereal and hung its posters and wore its clothes. I had an Uncle Fester t-shirt featuring Christopher Lloyd's big bald head (that I believe glowed in the dark) and I felt like magic every time I wore it. But my favorite character was (and is) Thing, and I kept a sharp eye for anything adorning the disembodied paw (hopefully a shirt). It was not to be... at least not in the US of A. Apparently, this glorious piece of fashion was reserved for Australia only.

Estimated Value: $270.00

A Clockwork Orange theater programme

Alongside the iconic movie poster, Philip Castle designed tons of tantalizing images directly related to the movie, and a lotta them were compiled into this British brochure that was sold in theaters during the film's first run. 'Kubrick collectibles' is hardly an existing niche, but it's one I'd like to be a part of.

Estimated Value: $200.00

Fangoria #1

Tough to swallow that I don't already own this. The reason for that is that I'm hardly every actively chasing it - when I seek out whatever handful of Fangos I'm missing, I typically gravitate towards the articles or covers that seem most attractive. I keep stepping over this one because of its elusiveness, its price, and its crude (though I'm sure charming) content.

Someday. 

Estimated Value: $100.00

Dick Tracy McDonald's display

This is The One.

I diligently described the gravity of this grail some time ago, but ultimately its importance lies within the fact that this monument to mugshots (and McDonald's) is what sparked my lifelong obsession with this movie. And rightly so! I mean look at it: it includes nearly every gorgeous gangster that appears in the film, highlighted by a contrasting rainbow of solid hues and 3D fonts, culminating into the superlative summit of Big Boy and Big Macs. I never saw it again.

Estimated Value: n/a

"Black Album" poster

If you've kept up, you're aware of my continual declarations of squishy lust for the poster that came with The Beatles' 1968 "White Album." Well here's another clue for you all: a bootleg compilation known as "The Black Album" began circulating in the early 1980s, which consisted solely of outtakes from the Let It Be (or as we now refer to them, the Get Back) sessions. Additionally, it came with a compositionally similar (though entirely different) poster. The only way I can analogize it is: Van Gogh made roughly 20 versions of The Starry Night, and if you're a fan, each one carries as much weight as the next. Context aside, this poster knows just what I like. 

Estimated Value: $200.00

Malibu Spice poster

Adult movie posters in the 1970s were such arresting works of art that they made mainstream movie posters look like... well, like as bad as they look today. They weren't as great in the 80s - mostly swapping out elaborate illustrations and boudoir photography for straightforward 'pinups,' which has its own appeal -- particularly when the pinup is Jeanna Fine. I'm actually an enormous fan of this film, and when you pair that with the shortage of original "video posters," you've got one desirable piece of Pop to pursue.

Estimated Value: $250.00

Russ Meyer movie collection

In a way, this box of bliss doesn't actually exist - not in a regionally-compatible sense of the word. Over in Europe, they be watchin' beautifully packaged Russ Meyer discs for days, while I'm in the land of the free greasing up my DVD-Rs like some Dickensian street urchin. Arrow Video needs to figure this the fuck out and bring these bra-busting blu rays to my house some time this century.

Estimated Value: n/a

Nintendo World Championship competition cartridge

The list of sealed, mint NES games that I crave is endless, but the novelty and the context of this thing is attractive in its own way. 26 of these gold cartridges exist in the world, and they were awarded as part of the promotions for the Video Armageddon-esque Nintendo World Championship in 1990. The game consists of portions of Mario 3, Rad Racer, and Tetris, and was predictably used to gauge a player's skills. No one's impervious to the perceptible power of a golden game, but it'd also be like owning a real-life plot point of The Wizard.

Estimated Value: $2,000,000.00