FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part X: "Arcade" and McCain Spicy Straight Cut Fries

Between 1989 and 1993, Full Moon Entertainment managed to become synonymous with Science Fiction/Fantasy, Gothic Horror, Post Apocalyptic Action, and Small (literally) Creature Features. Added to the fact that most of these movies shared production teams and shooting locations, the company's output managed to generate a sustainable vibe that seemed to be common across its films; a Full Moon feel. 

Though in 1991, Albert Pyun directed a movie with a David S. Goyer screenplay (based on "an idea by Charles Band" of course), and an Alan Howarth music score, about teens being trapped in the virtual world of a video game. Apparently, that "virtual world" was too aesthetically similar to 1982's Tron, and Disney threatened to sue. So, after some time reworking the film's computer effects, Arcade didn't see a U.S. release until 1994. But by that point, the whole atmosphere of the film felt kinda fresh alongside stuff like Subspecies III and Puppet Master 4, and even watching it now, a warm Southern California setting with a story featuring a bunch of kids is a welcome departure from the castles and dungeons and wastelands that are populated with beasts and dolls. The story itself is very much like Tron and probably already a dozen other works of fiction by that point: some kinda haunted video game (actually, Virtual Reality game) is stealing the souls of anyone who plays and is trapping them in its CGI world, and it's up to Megan Ward and Peter Billingsly to do some detective work and then become VR warriors to save their friends from a cartoon environment. People generally savage this movie for the lame computer-simulated scenes, but that raises the question: Compared to what? What exactly were all the really good examples of fictitious virtual reality - particularly in the 1990s? Honestly, outside of the trappings of an intentionally artificial 3D background, the story is gripping enough that is surely all sounded better on the page; it looks and feels and plays out like a soft R-rated Are You Afraid of the Dark? or Goosebumps episode. That's a really fun place to be in.  

This is our fourth recorded experience with McCain fries, which isn't a shock; they're "the largest manufacturer of frozen potato products, with 1 in 4 french fries in the world being a McCain fry." But we found a way to make that exciting (sorta): these are their "New Flavor" Spicy Straight Cut Fries. However, it's really hard to believe that McCain has never employed this specific flavor to anything before; if you've ever had anything in the neighborhood of "seasoned fries" then you know exactly how these taste. Who knows, maybe they added an extra milligram of paprika or onion powder to justify the label, but we're pretty sure McCain has dabbled in the "spicy" realms before. And they're not bad - obviously they're great! We just don't appreciate the ruse. 

The Movie: B-

The Fries: A-

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part IX: "The Creeps" and Ore-Ida Star Tater Tots

From the very beginning (1988) Full Moon maintained a distribution partnership with Paramount Pictures. In '95, Paramount backed off as the Direct-to-Video market started to become noticeably less lucrative. And yet, for a moment in the middle of that relationship, there were serious talks about the possibility of Full Moon theatrical releases. (Obviously Paramount backed out of that too.)

However, during the Halloween Season of 1997, Full Moon unleashed The Creeps into a "limited" amount of theaters before its Home Video release that December. This wasn't on a whim - the movie was shot in 2.35 widescreen, and was presented in theaters in 3-D. Every Home Video iteration has been 2-D, and hoo boy does it make for some uncomfortably awkward compositions; long, clumsily blocked takes with no cuts or camera movements make the whole thing feel like you're watching a play. Nevertheless, with Charles Band in the director's chair, it still feels like very much like Full Moon. The plot is weird and demands tons of expository dialogue: after obtaining the original manuscripts of old Horror Novels, a mad scientist is able to bring Count Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, The Wolf Man, and The Mummy into reality. The scientist kidnaps librarian Anna (Rhonda Griffin) because he apparently needs a virgin to make his monster-making machine work -- but she manages to escape in the middle of the process, and so the monsters all materialize as dwarves. And so, we get a kinda Monster Squad premise, but the gimmick is that they're little people (because Full Moon). This does afford studio regular Phil Fondacaro to totally steal the show as Count Dracula, but really it's the draggy actionless scenes that manage to make it more tedious than most of their other productions. However, there are a few moments that take place in a legit video store, and so we get to have extended, uninterrupted views of posters and tapes of all the popular rentals of 1997 (with some expertly placed Full Moon promotions mixed in). 

It's America's 250th Birthday, and predictably, it's the junk food that won't let us forget it. (That is until they figure out how to make air conditioning "Freedom Scented".) Stars and Stripes adorn pretty much everything at the moment, and some modifications are more effective than others - case in point: Ore-Ida Star Tater Tots. Yes, they're just regular tater tots shaped like stars, and no, there's nothing "extra" about them -- at least not in the sense of flavor. But in terms of size and shape and overall impact, I don't see how we can ever go back to the regular cylinder-shaped tots ever again; these are full and robust and, if cooked correctly, crunchy all over. Like seriously, imagine a McDonald's Hash Brown condescend into a compact five-cornered form, and then multiply that into a generous pile of potato paradise. If this is how America tastes, we may be willing to overlook all those other pesky bygone blemishes. 

The Movie: C-

The Fries: A+

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part VIII: "Doctor Mordrid" and Ore-Ida Zesty Twirls

Charles Band's father, Albert Band, had an equally long and colorful career producing cheap genre movies, starting with Spaghetti Westerns and Hercules movies in the 50s and 60s, and eventually (and inevitably) producing pictures for Empire (Troll, TerrorVision) and then Full Moon (Remote, Castle Freak). He even managed to lend a hand on Honey I Blew Up the Kid (which was either a cause or effect of Stuart Gordon's involvement in the franchise). And, like his son Charles, he sometimes directed a feature. 

Doctor Mordrid (1992) was codirected by the father and son team of Albert and Charlie. Like just about every Full Moon Feature, it's "based on an idea by Charles Band", but it's been long believed (and contended) that it began its life as a direct screen adaptation of Marvel's Doctor Strange, but then underwent some "modifications" when the publishing rights expired. At any rate, what little we at Bennett Media know about Doctor Strange (psychic guy wears a cape over his Banana Republic threads) made it seem like there was some truth to that. Right off the bat, it feels like good casting: Jeffery Combs as an eccentric scientist/philosopher/historian/clairvoyant who communes with some interdimensional celestial god to get his work itinerary. But then gradually throughout the otherwise very confusing movie, a sorta romance begins to blossom between the Doctor and his neighbor Samantha (Yvette Nipar); we adore Jeffrey, but watching him balance flirtatious and mysterious without the armor of irony is actually really uncomfortable. Brian Thompson, on the other hand, is a reliably menacing and showy bad guy and maybe the best part of this whole Highlander/He-Man/Buffy mashup. The climax employs a good amount of stop motion animation that more firmly secures it into the Full Moon aesthetic. 

Why yes, these are Zesty Twirls -- not to be confused with Crispy Twirls, Golden Twirls, Zesty Curly, Bold & Crispy Zesty Twirls, or Bold & Crispy Zesty Seasoned Curly Fries: all courtesy of Ore-Ida. We're not sure if this is just a rebranding journey or if all these options are happening at the same time, but we do feel validated by the reiteration that "curly fries" have an incorrigible personality: three or four really long, voluptuous, tightly curled fries, and then a pile of burnt toenail clippings. Yum. And though that may sound like a complaint, there is a sorta mild entertainment in navigating your potato pile for the best ones / playing with your food. We can't really nail down what constitutes "zest" though - synonyms of "bold" and "seasoned" no doubt, but whatever modifier they use, it almost always guarantees an absence of blandness. Not as good as the Arby's ones, but good. 

The Movie: C

The Fries: B+

13 BIG HEADS!

Yes, we've heard your cries and pleas for a brief but comprehensive list of oversized noggins found in popular culture. Today those pleas shall be silenced as I present to you exactly that. You're welcome. 

- Paul

The Metalunans

This Island Earth

Don't mention his head... The Mutant gets all the glory, but it's hard to ignore the obvious malformations of Exeter, Brack, and the rest. It's meant to indicate their superior intellect, but in the end, 1950s science stuff isn't enough to save their species. 

"The Foot Soldiers Are Revolting"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

In this Season 4 episode, Shredder uses a brain-enhancing machine on one of his robot foot soldiers, thus creating a Skynet/HAL 9000 situation wherein the super smart robot leads a rebellion against its creators. How that results in a bigger head is unclear, but it definitely looks cool. 

Giant novelty head

Pee-wee's Big Adventure

I use any opportunity I get to revisit Mario's Magic Shop. The scene barely runs 2 minutes but they pack a lot in, including the limited variety of fake heads for sale: shrunken, "regular size", and this massive monstrosity that manages to overwhelm Pee-wee. 

The Easter Island Kid

The Critic

Jay's son Marty goes to school with a kid from Easter Island and he has a big stone head that resembles the statues for which the island is best known. He struggles to maintain balance under the weight of it, often falling over. That's this character's entire plot function, which fits nicely into the tone of this series. 

The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz

In reality, a mere "humbug" from Nebraska, but to his groveling subjects, a giant translucent green face surrounded by smoke and flames. In the book, only Dorothy can see him in this form, but obviously this was the biggest, loudest, most theatrical choice for his big screen depiction. 

Myron Stackpoole

Head of the Family

What list of deformities is complete without a little Full Moon madness? Myron isn't just a head (he has arms so presumably some kinda torso) but his body is mostly head (because he has super psychic powers), and through some split screen and forced perspective stuff, it's made clear that it's comically oversized. 

Littleface

Dick Tracy

Speaking of forced perspective... So here's the thing: Littleface doesn't have a big head, he has a little face. Not a knock against the movie's award winning makeup effects, but no one ever saw this and didn't describe him as "the guy with the big head." Frankly, it makes him that much more sinister and imposing than the intended "guy with a little face."

Vigo

Ghostbusters II

There's a stack of stuff I don't like about this movie, but it had an outstanding main baddie. In the film's climax, the already imposing Carpathian is sorta inexplicably reduced down to his huge melon, left only to growl and roar. My son has experienced The Shining, The Thing, Halloween, An American Werewolf in London, and It with nothing but gusto and joy, but he can't handle Big Head Vigo. 

The Beast

Poltergeist

My son also enjoyed this (though no one's immune to that face tearing bit). This movie has a lot of Final Bosses, but a lot of the threats manifest as flashing lights and possessed objects -- this is the first real Monster we see and it comes as a big surprise. Really big. 

Score All Star Baseball Cards

In 1991, Score created a "subset" of 20 special insert cards that could be found in random packs, each depicting illustrated caricatures of the best players of that season. The "exaggerated head" caricature style wasn't anything new, but it seemed awfully popular around this time, especially with Sports for some reason - which is why I can't hear "big heads" without remembering these. 

"And Maggie Makes Three"

The Simpsons

In an overly dramatized flashback described by Homer, he recalls the moment he learned Marge was pregnant with Maggie, which apparently embiggens his head like a balloon, then bursts. The popping is the punchline, but in the second before that we get this hilarious frame. 

"The Andrea Doria"

Seinfeld

Upon breaking up with him, Elaine's boyfriend's parting words are that her head is too big for her body. An otherwise harmless and baseless observation said out of spite, but the comment gnaws at her until she becomes fully convinced of this supposed deformity, believing herself to be a "walkin' candy apple". It's ridiculous, but there's mounting physical evidence throughout the episode to support her fears. 

William

So I Married an Axe Murderer

Better known as "Heed!", which is just "head" in an exaggerated Scottish accent. Actually, this character's entire purpose is to be a catalyst for Mike Myers's creative insults regarding his gargantuan cranium: "That boy's head's like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts!" 

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part VII: "Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight" and Arby's Seasoned Curly Fries

We're not entirely sure who the core audience was for Full Moon movies - we assume twentysomething party people(?). Personally we mostly knew these films only by their covers on the video store shelves and the full page ads in Fangoria magazine -- always wondering if the movies themselves lived up to their vivid artwork. 

One such memorable ad was for 1993's Mandroid. We've seen Mandroid, and still the only thing we remember is the artwork, so it took some time to orient ourselves when we realized that 1993's Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight was a direct sequel. Like, they were clearly shot back to back (just like Lord of the Rings), but as it turns out, Invisible is much more lively and playful; it's still a dizzying mess of plot threads and fake science jargon, but we get a lot less exposition because most of it was covered in "Part One". It's pointless to explain the plot - all you need to know is that wheelchair-bound Wade Franklin and his mind-operated Mandroid robot have joined forces with invisible scientist Benjamin Knight to fight returning bad guy Drago. There's nothing about this that doesn't feel like a Full Moon Production, from the Romanian exteriors to the soundstage interiors, from the synth score to the damsels in dungeons, they know which side of their bread to butter. Having said that, this is easily the most fast paced, big budget, action packed Full Moon movie we've watched to date. 

What's the deal with curly fries? You get like three or four curly fries and then a million slightly curved potato shards. That's typically the scenario at an Arby's Restaurant, so it's entirely accurate that a bag of Arby's Seasoned Curly Fries contains exactly that. You might even be tempted to suggest that these are the exact frozen fries they keep in the back of any given Arby's because these are actually as good, if not better! They say "seasoned" but that just means they're not bland; the seasoning simply comes across as well cooked, well loved potatoes. We can't exactly say "well cut", again because of the shards, but size and shape aside, they pass the test of being tasty on their own, without the aid of dipping sauces. 

The Movie: B-

The Fries: A

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part VI: "The Gingerdead Man" and McCain Garlic and Herb Crinkle Fries

As is the case with many movies in this series (as well as our Corman series), it's usually pretty easy to spot the films that were heedlessly greenlit based solely on a premise, a poster, and/or a title. And often times, that backstory is the most interesting thing about them. 

The Gingerdead Man (2005) began its journey as a rejected MADtv sketch, that was then brought to Charles Band's attention who immediately gave the go-ahead to a write a feature. That initial script was then reworked to bring the budget way way down, and the final product both benefits and suffers from that. Gary Busey is introduced in 3 minutes of screen time as a well dressed maniac killing patrons in a diner (in one of the most awkwardly blocked and composed sequences in Cinema). Through tedious exposition we learn that Gary was captured, convicted, and executed, but then with the aid of blood, electricity, and some apparently cursed cookie dough, Gary Busey is resurrected as a gingerbread man. The original script called for a CGI cookie monster, but this is Full Moon, so instead we're treated to the puppet design of John Carl Buechler, turning in one of his least impressive creature designs. Honestly we never get a good sense of perspective so it's often impossible to tell exactly how big or small The Gingerdead Man really is - up to and including the scene where he drives a car (with the help of a rolling pin). But even in spite of all the complaints against the titular character, there's not nearly enough of him; its 75 minute runtime is painstakingly padded out with long long dialogue scenes exploring the very superficial backstories of these characters -- we learn so much yet so little about these people. Between the dramatically lit fixed location and the meandering stretches of talking, we're only one step above High School stage production, and one step beneath MADtv sketch. 

New Flavor Alert! We've documented McCain Fries once already in this series, and since McCain is like the Jackie Chan of french fries, it probably won't be the last. Besides, they got a fancy new seasoning that simply can't go ignored: Garlic and Herb (which sounds like a title that would've been part of the 1990s Nicktoons lineup). "Herb" is like "berry" - We don't know what it is and neither will you. But whatever, these are aces! The brand and the description and everything about them was raising expectations really high and they pretty much hit these heights; any french fry that can survive on its own without the aid of salt, ketchup, or other, is automatically elevated from "side" to "star", and since these are consistently the main course with these movies, they were a delightful distraction from the lackluster feature. 

The Movie: F

The Fries: A

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part V: "Dollman vs. Demonic Toys" and Strong Roots Crispy Crinkle Fries

By 1993, Full Moon was no stranger to sequels, with Puppet Master, Trancers, and Subspecies all several films into their own blossoming franchises. And since all of these movies seemed so damn similar as is, there was yet another logical direction to follow: Crossovers!

Sorta kinda picking up where Dollman (1991) and Demonic Toys (1992) left off, 1993's Dollman vs. Demonic Toys pits Brick Bardo (aka the 13'' Dollman) against a handful of possessed dolls that plan to bring about the rebirth of their Demon master - all set to a Quiet Riot soundtrack, along with Melissa Behr reprising her role as Nurse Ginger from 1992's Bad Channels! Confused? You shouldn't be - this premise is as deep as a puddle, and if you're not already caught up on all your Dollman/Demonic Toys mythology, roughly 30 of its 64 minute runtime is dedicated to "flashbacks" from the three movies it combines. Bad Channels is strong on its own, but this movie is what the other two storylines needed; regardless of all the recycled footage, Dollman and Demonic Toys were a lot duller as separate entities. Combined, they're a little less dull. Still, one has to assume this is how exciting it must be for Comic Book Movie fans when some other superhero makes a surprise cameo. 

But forget comic books or Full Moon monotony -- nothing rivals the dullness of Strong Roots Crisp Crinkle Fries. "Light and fluffy crinkle cut potato fries with a drop of sunflower oil. Just two ingredients." Strong Roots's whole deal is food that's good for you, and good for the environment(?) - who knew french fried 'tater manufacturing was such a drag on the ecosystem? Instinctually, you'd think the aid of salt and some supporting sauces could disguise the blandness, but still, the dryness perseveres - that "drop" of sunflower oil really seems to get lost in the mix. If you wanna enjoy these (or just survive them) then melted butter is what you need for dipping - and don't be afraid to fuckin' drown 'em in that shit because that's as close as you'll get to a decent fry. But at least they're good for you!

The Movie: C-

The Fries: D-

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part IV: "Meridian" and Grown in Idaho Super Crispy Tots

From 1983 to 1988, Charles Band was the head of Empire International Pictures - which, for all intents and purposes, was just the Full Moon Entertainment of the 80s. During that time, Charles used much of the Ghoulies earnings to purchase a castle in Rome, Italy, specifically for the purpose of securing a "home base" for future European productions. This blueprint proved to play a heavy part in the overall atmosphere of what would become Full Moon. 

Meridian (sometimes paired with the subtitle Kiss of the Beast) was released in 1990 and was Full Moon's second production after the first Puppet Master. The film follows Catherine and Gina, two friends played by Sherilyn Fenn and Charlie Spradling (or simply "Charlie" as she's billed here) who have come to Italy(!) to discuss the details of Catherine's father's death and what's to become of his estate (including, predictably, his castle). Catherine and Gina attend some sorta sideshow performance with jugglers and freaks and magicians - all of whom Gina invites back to the castle. From here, the plot begins to ravel and unravel in erratic ways, involving rape and seduction and twins and curses and candles and boobs and slow motion and hairy monsters. It sounds rich with ambience and detail, but it's all terribly dull. This is the major fallacy of most (but not necessarily all) Full Moon European productions: they have real castles and authentic locations to play with, and then they populate it with rubber monsters and bad lighting, and the built-in production value plummets before our very eyes. The presence of Hilary Mason and a Pino Donaggio music score create a thin veneer of class while also accentuating the dreariness. It's a Beauty and the Beast fable without enough of either. But who needs engrossing story and interesting set pieces when you've got ample nudity... 

...and tater tots! Seriously, how bad or boring can anything be when it's accompanied by crispy potato puffs? Actually, that very fact is what posed a challenge in finding ways to be critical of these specific tots: Grown in Idaho Super Crispy Tots. Tater tots already have a base of B/B+: you'd have to have dimness in your brain or darkness in your heart to mess up a tater tot experience. Typically we prefer them a little burnt on the bottom -- but that's where the Grown in Idaho brand seems to really shine. There was no need for any deviation from the baking instructions as the end result came with an allover goodness. Crispy on the outside, soft on the inside - simplicity in its most exquisite form. 

The Movie: D+

The Fries: A

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part III: "Bad Channels" and McCain Craft Beer Battered Fries

"It starts with an idea, and it grows organically from there. One thing I've learned is that the crazier an idea the more successful a movie it will be."

- Charles Band

Alongside his responsibilities as Producer, Full Moon founder Charles Band has written and directed much of the studio's output. And in many other cases, he is literally credited with the very official-sounding "Based On An Original Idea By Charles Band" - such as the case with 1992's Musical Science Fiction Comedy Bad Channels. Directed by the equally prolific Ted Nicolaou, the plot involves an alien (and its adorable tech support robot sidekick) taking over a small town radio station and kidnapping human women literally through the airwaves. The alien (described in the film as looking like a giant turd with a porthole) hypnotizes select listeners into thinking they're part of a choreographed, mid budget music video - which allows cameos from real life rockers Fair Game, DMT, and Sykotik Sinfoney. Once the song ends, the women are then beamed like Star Trek into the alien's collection of bug jars. Rock performances aside, the actual score for the movie is by Blue Öyster Cult, so really the whole film is saturated in a fun atmosphere that feels more hip than most other Full Moon features; it could very much be placed alongside Texas Chainsaw 2, Slumber Party Massacre II, Hobgoblins, and Ted Nicolaou's own TerrorVision. Most Full Moon movies either take themselves way too seriously, or absolutely not at all - Bad Channels lands comfortably in between the extremes, making it one of the studio's greater achievements. 

 

"Beer battered"? We're still riding that trend? Oh wait, sorry, "craft beer battered", for an extra spice of pretension. Snarkiness aside, the fries were actually pretty good. Something notable that rarely seems like a strong characteristic until you're faced with it, but all the fries seemed to be roughly the same size and shape - you wouldn't think that would make a difference but it really is a psychologically pleasing consistency. But one really weird attribute that was almost immediately recognized by both of us was that these fries taste like Burger King fries. They don't look or smell or feel like them but somehow they got that indefinable BK flavor that you'd hafta know to know. Does this mean the King soaks his spuds in suds (or however it's done)? In any case we're sorta split on Burger King french fries, but we both agree that something resembling fast food is typically better than the frozen bag rubbish. 

The Movie: B+

The Fries: B

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part II: "Crash and Burn" and Checkers/Rally's Famous Seasoned Fries

In 1977 STAR WARS raised the bar for quality Science Fiction, particularly in terms of narrative scope and production value, and low budget spaceship movies seemed to be forever doomed to cower in its groundbreaking shadow. Two years later, Alien reduced that scope back to a more manageable (and affordable) scale, relying largely on atmosphere and performance. Once again, independent cheapies could lean on damp boiler rooms and matching jumpsuits to create a believable environment. 

1990's Crash and Burn takes place in the distant dystopian future of 2030(!) when the world has run out of money and computers have been outlawed(!!). Accordingly, there is a rebellion against this oppression, though our core cast doesn't really have a lot to do with that - at least not until it's suspected that one of them is a "Synth" (cyborg, android, etc.), which leads to a beat-for-beat rehash of the blood test scene from Carpenter's The Thing. Directed by Charles Band, the cast (and characters) are largely likable, featuring familiar faces like Megan Ward, Ralph Waite, Jack McGee, and Bill Moseley flexing his range all the way into mild-mannered and charming. It borrows from various James Cameron properties as usual, and characters spout exposition till their dying breaths, but it has a good momentum and a few classy effects. Also, one of its cleverest plot points is that computer technology became illegal in the 1990s so all of the dated devices are explained away very neatly. 

While pizza is still relegated to our ramshackle oven, we've obtained an air fryer for our continuing french fry affairs. In its maiden voyage is took on a bag of Checkers/Rally's Famous Seasoned Fries - though perhaps we're largely ignorant to the world of frozen french fries because we can't say we've ever heard of these (apart from the recognizable checkered bag that can be spotted in most grocery stores). But apart from the air fryer cooking them faster and more evenly than we're used to, the fries are noticeably more "seasoned" than your typical freezer burnt potato chunks - almost to the point that they needn't the embellishments of salt, ketchup, or other. They also maintained a consistent consistency of crispiness - which, again, may or may not have had something to do with the way they were cooked. Either way they were a success. 

The Movie: B

The Fries: A-

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part I: "Puppet Master" and McCain Smiles

Hello, and welcome to yet another continuing series that involves us watching stuff and eating things -- because that's all we do anyway so why not make it your problem? As strongly implied by the title, we're buying bags of frozen french fries and cookin' 'em at 425 as we indulge in the low budget library that is Full Moon Features - the Home Video production company started by Charles Band in 1988. We don't like to impose a ton of "rules" in these lighthearted shenanigans but for consistency's sake we're sticking to the films actually produced by the studio and excluding all the previous Charles Band/Empire Pictures releases. That may seem irrelevant but we point it out as a way to call attention to the fact that this leaves us nearly 150 features to wade through (with more likely on the way). 

For fun (because that's the whole point) we begin this program at the very beginning with the very first Full Moon Production, 1989's Puppet Master. A wildly successful video rental (in "cult" terms) that has generated 14 sequels/spinoffs (thus far), it became the sorta symbol for the whole company; the name and its killer dolls are basically the Micky Mouse of Full Moon. In all honesty, we've seen this movie a handful of times already, and up to and including this most recent viewing, we just can't warm up to it - let alone comprehend its popularity. The premise involves a small group of psychics meeting together at a hotel where William Hickey made some possessed dolls 50 years earlier. The dolls have been freed from their tomb and are killing off the principal players one by one - but really there's only like five characters and two of them survive, so you could say there's some padding. Actually the whole movie could be described as padding: just a formless, convoluted pillow to fall asleep on. That's why its cult status as a video rental is so confounding - the movie's way too boring to create any sorta "party" atmosphere, and the four or five dolls (as cool looking as they are) don't really do much with their minimal screentime. Though while you wouldn't call this movie traditionally "atmospheric", it does establish the unique Full Moon mood that's ultimately present in all of their films.

To pair with this classic of Home Entertainment we chose a classic from Home Cuisine: The Smiley Fry. Several brands have tried their hand at this whimsical shape but McCain did it first in the 1970s and that's the label we've chosen to match our "original" movie. For us (like many) these fries have an air of childhood about them - no specific memories but the nostalgia is there. But clearly we've never cooked them ourselves as an adult because the same rules don't apply to these as regular french fries. We like our potatoes crispy, so when it comes to frozen fries we always add at least another 10 minutes to the suggested baking time. Apparently, Smiles are so dense that their innards dry out before the faces ever achieve that golden brown we're looking for; we wanted them to be something that God never intended, so in the end that's our folly. Still, one could only imagine how good these would've been had they not turned into tater-flavored wallpaper paste. 

The Movie: D+

The Fries: C-

STATIC SHOTS

Moonbeam Entertainment Double Feature!

In 1988, Charles Band founded Full Moon Features, a movie production company specifically constructed for the home video market: low budget Horror and Science Fiction titles to be released straight into the wilds of the video store under their own distribution label. The momentum of the studio relied largely on the repetitive franchises of Trancers, Subspecies, and especially Puppet Master. Then, in the magical year of 1993, Full Moon established two additional labels that utilized the extreme ends of not only their range but the range of the video rental world: Torchlight Entertainment would be their sorta softcore porn studio, and their Children/Family Entertainment company was cleverly named Moonbeam Entertainment. 

Moonbeam released a few dozen titles throughout the 1990s and then around 2000 just stopped apparently, which I find confusing because that was right around the time that sloppy-looking Kids' Fantasy films started to overpower the mainstream marketplace. Similarly they introduced a lot of kid-friendly heroes and franchises that would've matched the climate: Josh Kirby, Johnny Mysto, Dragonworld, and our previously reviewed Alien Arsenal were all either legitimate series built from the ground up or deserved to be and would've flourished in the time of Sharkboy and Narnia. Instead they all remain confined to this 90s bubble of bad fashion and creepy creature FX and remain true pioneers in the genre of The Boy Who Lived. 

Immediately upon its formation in '93, Moonbeam released two movies. Their first one, Prehysteria!, you may have even seen or at least most likely heard of as a consequence of its popularity as a video rental; Paramount recognized its appeal and distributed it themselves so it was marketed in a way that was a little more visible and appealing to regular folk. Why did Paramount Pictures want a straight-to-video B Movie? Why did Charles Band agree to produce (and direct!) a movie for kids while simultaneously dedicating an entire branch of his company to continually doing exactly that? Could it have been the appeal of releasing a Dinosaur Movie in the middle of 1993? 

Supposedly a storyboard artist brought the concept drawings of the dinosaurs to Charlie and he recognized the potential salability and longevity; Full Moon are very proud of their stable of monsters - the Puppet Master dolls, the Demonic Toys, the Gingerdead Man, the Evil Bong, and nearly every Moonbeam feature showcased some crew of identifiable creatures all with different looks and personalities - and so it's entirely believable that Charles Band was immediately turned on by the prospect of having five distinct dinos that could easily carry a movie or even a franchise (there were two more Prehysterias). Even still, according to my intensive sleuthing, dinosaurs were at the height of their popularity around this time, especially with kids. 

"But Mr. Band, we make movies about possessed dolls and erotic werewolves. We don't do kids' stuff."

"Well maybe we should start..."

That could be my revisionist history, or my educated, accurate assessment of what went down. Behind-the-scenes speculation aside, the movie is pretty goddamn good(!) - I don't even mean "good (pause) for a Full Moon production" but like a fun and funny and fast paced Family Film that could've come from anywhere. The dinosaurs are pretty silly and stiff, and apart from the whimsical Richard Band music score, they're the only true indicator that we're in the Full Moon universe. Here's the plot in a sentence: a family stumbles upon some eggs that hatch out cute dinosaurs voiced by Frank Welker and they have to hide and protect them from a bumbling archaeologist (the wonderful Stephen Lee) who wants them for financial gain. 

It's cookie-cutter but they're damn fine cookies and thousands of miles away (literally) from the convoluted gothic dreck and magic spells and laser guns that its parent company was best known for. The irony is that this initial engagement into juvenile entertainment was by far their most mature effort up till that point; Full Moon never quite reached the heights of Hammer Films or the Robocop/Terminator vibes they craved, but Prehysteria! managed to successfully integrate some of the themes and plot points of E.T., Indiana Jones, and Jurassic Park into the budget that Spielberg probably spent on Reese's Pieces and Triceratops shit. The fact that the dino FX are the biggest weakness of the whole show is indicative of how strong the actual movie itself is. 

Prehystera! earned over $100 million in rentals - not to undermine its quality but I'm sure that had some to do with the Paramount partnership. This obviously led to Prehysteria! 2 the following year (and 3 in '95) but even before these numbers starting rolling in, Moonbeam predictably wasted no time on producing and releasing their next feature, Remote. 

I'm not sure if Remote was as well known or well received as Prehysteria! but it's the one I actually saw when it was new - on some pay channel like HBO, most likely due to the ongoing deal with Paramount. The premise is simple and familiar: Randy (Chris Carrara) is hiding in the attic of an uninhabited suburban house accompanied by his arsenal of custom-made remote control vehicles. When a trio of goofy thieves on the lam choose the empty house as their hideout, Randy wreaks havoc on their sanity with his RC toys.  

It didn't stand out to me as good or bad at the time - the premise just got jumbled into the white noise of clever kids in peril. In hindsight it was just the plodding parade of Home Alone dishwater that made it indiscernible (at least it didn't have ninjas too), but it's a lot easier to approach it now unfettered by a saturated culture of similar stuff. Upon revisiting it, it actually seemed kinda fresh - fresh as in new, but also fresh as in dope, rad, tight, phat -- like all kids' stuff it's gloriously dated and completely immersed in the year of its production (1993).

Randy is decidedly less obnoxious than Kevin McCallister and all 3 Ninjas combined, but the three character actor fugitives (John Diehl, Tony Longo, Stuart Fratkin) end up almost taking the lead. and for as ham & cheesy as they are they give the movie the saltiness it needs. 

It's amazing: even in a story that features literal remote control cars and planes, the movie still treats them as the creatures in this non-Creature Feature; Randy gives them all names like Huey and Zero as the film insists (unsuccessfully) that these toys have a personality. But that's the whole weird Full Moon model: the little gang of creepy things that are often meant to upstage the humans in the movie, but like Prehysteria! the film stands strong enough that the little candy colored costars really don't add a whole lot. 

As Moonbeam pressed on, the movies became more and more drenched in Science Fiction and Fantasy, resulting in more stylized and FX-heavy films. But these first two domestic fables from this new company are the most coherent, straightforward tales to come out of anything under the Full Moon umbrella. (They had another movie, Pet Shop, that came out in '95 that sorta matched this low-key vibe.) But when they got too big for their britches they took that hard left onto the bridge to Terabithia long before that was ever put on film, and that mild edge faltered into Disney Afternoon feels. 

Full Moon and its new subsidiaries were at the perfect speed for me in '93; most of the features leading up to this time had been too dull for my liking and most of the stuff following fell into pot humor and self awareness. Between the two Moonbeam movies and Arcade and Mandriod and Dollman vs. Demonic Toys and Beach Babes From Beyond, 1993 was the most enviable, well-rounded groove in this company's history - they've always taken huge bites and it was never more than they could chew, but this was the best-tasting junk food of their filmography. 

- Paul