'76 Done Dirt Cheap

Now come. Come, take my hand, and if you dare, sheathe your sword to its hilt. Are you up to it?

I hadn't really intended to do any kinda 1976 Anniversary Retrospective - mostly because it can sometimes get tedious trying to champion the years before I was born; it's a challenge attempting to repackage another generation's nostalgia using a Peter Frampton album and a season of Three's Company as my only tools. So, I went to the movies. Music and sitcoms and World Events can all work together to create a palpable vibe, but my pompous ass will always evaluate the merits of any given year (in the 20th Century) based on its Cinema. And when I laid the flicks of '76 out in front of me, something became startlingly apparent: 1976 was raunchy! 

Lewd. Grubby. Obscene. Exploitation Cinema wasn't even a genre, it was just the tone of the entirety of movies. Think of the most prominent films of that year: Taxi Driver, Carrie, The Omen, The Enforcer, King Kong, Marathon Man. Hal Holbrook as Deep Throat. Gene Wilder in blackface. Peter Finch got so mad he literally died. The Best Picture winner ends with two guys beating the shit out of each other. Kris Kristofferson reprised a role previously inhabited by James Mason. Mainstream movies in 1976 may've just been the apex of what we talk about when we talk about "1970s Cinema": underdogs, antiheroes, alienation, cynicism, revenge, sex, violence, depravity, monsters, and mayhem. And those are just the Award and Box Office Winners. 

Over at the Drive-Ins and Grindhouses and the various seedy "Districts" of metropolitan areas was where the real action was - not because of the content, but because of the budgets. As I just pointed out, gritty realism and taboo subject matter was the mood of most movies at the time, so the smaller stuff wasn't necessarily marginalized for its substance, they simply didn't have the money for a wide release. Ironically, it wasn't until the 1980s, when videotape made everything that much more available, that the cold wave of censorship crashed down onto every artistic medium. It's really only been during this current century that a lot of these "undiscovered gems" have been brought to our attention as they've become readily available (and often meticulously restored), and it's because of that movement that I've been able to get a more full-bodied feel of the supposed Greatest Decade of Film.

It's funny because I find 1976 to be the weakest of the era, in terms of mainstream. But once we begin to veer off the road, even just a little bit, things definitely get more interesting. With a few exceptions, Horror was still stuck in "spooky" mode even after four years following The Exorcist (and eight years after Rosemary's Baby), but there were still some effective riffs in that spirit. And while Jaws ignited the brief (but robust) Natural Horror subgenre, the Slasher really started to take shape (for better or worse). In hindsight, Horror was tame - it was the Comedy and Action and Western and Drama categories that suddenly became saturated in blood and nudity and fire and bullets. (Obviously this is why all the Sex and Crime movies went so hard during this period.) I suppose it's pertinent to point out that STAR WARS would be released the following year, thus creating the abstract equation that fun + optimism = $$. By that measure, 1976 was that darkest darkness before the dawn, when moviegoers supposedly preferred to witness society through a mirror of bleak despair - before the Rebel Alliance came and washed all the scum off the streets. 

- Paul

1. All the President's Men

Admittedly, my favorite movie of the year is the most button-down - but still, with an anti-establishment edge. On the surface, it's a True Crime Biopic without any of the tedious hallmarks you'd find in stuff made today. At base level, it's a circus where we get to watch exposed politicians crumble under the pressure. At its heart, it's some of the coolest actors of the era bantering their way through a William Goldman screenplay - a situation that can only be improved by a Ned Beatty cameo. 

2. Up!

One could say they don't make 'em like this anymore, but the truth is that nobody ever made 'em like this! -- not even Russ Meyer. His ability to design shots and orchestrate edits was evident throughout his entire career, but now he (along with Roger Ebert) was writing material that allowed him to push those abilities to their extremes, giving us a live action dirty comic that defies the laws of nature, sex, and good taste. This is my favorite of his. 

3. Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw

Two young lovers with nothin' better to do. There were at least a few dozen versions of this setup throughout the decade, all with different tones and styles and budgets. This one's played mostly for laughs, but Lynda Carter as Bobbie Jo plays it straight, and her commitment to the bit is what saves the whole show from total schlock (in spite of costar Marjoe Gortner's efforts).

4. Dark August

Traditional storytelling demands that the action should build towards something. The entirety of this movie is just the aftermath of that something, which manifests mostly as demons, real and/or imagined. It's Jacob's Ladder with some Don't Look Now mixed into a rural Vermont setting, which is a pretty accurate depiction of August in general. 

5. Mother, Jugs & Speed

Not a lotta Comedies around this time, and even this one squeezes in a lotta dark stuff that only works in this specific climate. Aside from being legitimately funny, it's blissfully aimless in its narrative, making it a mostly comfortable hangout that helps one to realize just how lame that year's Car Wash really is. 

6. Taxi Driver

I don't wanna waste this space talking about how "important" it is and just say that, subjectively, it's a really neat movie to watch for a teenage boy who's getting into Film. And it's an amazing achievement for a young director and a young actor so early in their respective careers. Since then they've outdone themselves many times over and I continue to look at this as a fantastic early effort (I like Mean Streets more), but if there's something that makes it stand out in Marty's body of work, it's definitely the rough grittiness of the production value that's been absent from his stuff for decades. 

7. The Great Texas Dynamite Chase

Surprisingly the only Roger Corman production on this list, but it's definitely one of the better ones. A gender swap Butch & Sundance yarn wasn't exactly groundbreaking, but the thing that makes it stand out in this genre (or really any movie of this time period) is that it doesn't go out of its way to leave you feeling depressed by the end. 

8. Eaten Alive

Tobe Hooper's followup to Texas Chain Saw was further proof that his strong suit in the 70s was atmosphere - though this was a conspicuous pivot from rough realism into cartoonish pageantry. The colored stage lighting and exaggerated performances make it a lot less scary but a lot more weird; it's totally a vibe. 

9. Alice Sweet Alice

The gradual merger of Italian Giallos and American Whodunnits gives birth to the Slasher Flick -- and so we start to get cool masks. Always noted as Brooke Shields's first screen appearance, but that useless trivia always seems to overshadow any due praise for the remarkable performance of costar Paula Sheppard - for me she's the singular reason to watch this movie. 

10. The Man Who Fell to Earth

The greatest Biopic of David Bowie that will ever get made. In all seriousness, any plot stuff that doesn't involve him, or scenes that he's not in, are the weakest moments of the whole picture.

11. Network

Of all the social commentary of the moment, this one is the most timeless (and also the most clumsily brazen and repetitive with its themes). At its heart, it's some of the coolest actors of the era bantering their way through a Paddy Chyefsky screenplay - a situation that can only be improved by a Ned Beatty cameo. 

12. Drive-In Massacre

The stupid dialogue and stiff acting is maybe funny for a minute but I'm not here for that. I'm here for the gore (which is cheap but creative and excessive) and for the honest-to-god, shot-on-location actual drive-in that so closely resembles the drive-in I grew up attending. If it isn't already, this movie should be a part of The Library of Congress for depicting and preserving such a prominent piece of American Culture. 

13. Carrie

You're laughing? Charlie Cheswick is getting electrocuted and you're laughing? Still waiting for the Hollywood adaptation where Carrie White isn't some objectively gorgeous actress, but that's sorta irrelevant in this hyper stylized De Palma melodrama that makes The Shining feel like Cinéma Vérité; the Prom climax steps away from Hitchcock and closer to Argento, and that's when Brian really dazzles - in any movie. 

14. The Missouri Breaks

What was Colonel Kurtz like in the weeks leading up to his termination? Probably like the violent, crazy sonofabitch he plays here. The scenes between Brando and Nicholson are most fascinating; Jack is supposed to be intimidated, but is it performance or is he truly in awe of The Master? Or is he threatened by someone who's clearly more mad than he? The "Jack Nicholson Western" is a narrow subgenre and this one's my favorite. 

15. The Pom Pom Girls

Major criticism right off the bat: the titular "Pom Pom Girls" receive very little screentime and even less to do with what they get; the five female "leads" mostly sit on the sidelines so the guys can navigate their way through the most laughably macho storylines you could imagine in a Drive-In Sex Comedy. But once again, like the other low budget, lowbrow pulp movies of the moment, it provides the most accurate and nuanced time capsule of this generation that we could ever hope for. That makes it engrossing. 

TRADING CARDS :: That's a BINGO!

A few months back I tried out a new flea market in Londonderry, New Hampshire -- ever since my favorite one folded a few years back I've been on the hunt for a worthy successor. This was not that, but I still managed to walk away with a loot that justified the trip. And within that loot was a serendipitous assortment of mixed media that managed to bring about its own theme. 

Every flea market is populated with tables of junk, and most of those tables have no rhyme or reason within the boundaries of that specific junk. At the Londonderry Flea Market, one man was selling what had to be at least 100 swords of every kind (samurai, medieval, pirate, machete, and whatever other kinds there are) and also a plastic bin containing roughly 100 packs of Pacific Bingo! Trading Cards based on the 1991 TriStar movie. I noted the ironic unevenness of the stuff this guy was selling and I moved on down the aisle - about fifty feet, when I checked out another table that had its own odd assortment: military fatigues, history books (about the military), and an array of VHS tapes - many of which were documentaries (about the military) and one of which was the 1991 movie Bingo!.

I'd never seen Bingo!. (Yes, the exclamation point is part of the title.) All I remembered about its existence was from when I used to watch the Prevue Guide channel for hours at a time and they'd loop the same twelve trailers for the movies premiering on cable that week over and over again - and for a while Bingo! was one of those trailers. Even still, all I remember from that is that at one point someone holds a gun to the dog's head, and that Bingo is also served a subpoena. Needless to say I didn't seek out the actual feature on whatever channel it was airing during its run, and I don't think I've ever heard it brought up in any Pop Culture arenas in the past 35 years. But what I found at the flea market that day in the span of just a couple minutes felt like an opportunity to experience a movie in a fashion similar to the way I experienced them as a kid: see the film, collect the cards. So, I bought the video, then went back to the sword man and bought 6 packs of Bingo! trading cards. 

I let however many weeks go by before I committed an early evening to this whole immersive Bingo! adventure - but I may've been three and a half decades too late. I don't know how much I would've enjoyed this movie when it came out, but that's an almost impossible assessment; on the surface, I could say that I didn't really like these kindsa movies at any age, but now that I've seen it, I can say that there aren't really a lotta movies like Bingo!. Everything considered, I was expecting a tone along the lines of Homeward Bound or Beethoven, or maybe even Free Willy or Flipper, and it's pretty probable that that's what they were aiming for, but the whole thing is also an attempt to satirize that subgenre with a lotta weird and sometimes gross humor, generating an awkwardness that places it closer to something like Mac & Me or maybe even the Garbage Pail Kids Movie; when it tries to be funny it's distressing, and when it tries to be touching it's unnerving. 

Not surprisingly, the overall mood of the movie didn't really translate into the trading cards; opening up all six packs presented an attitude that more closely resembled the one I thought the movie was selling before I saw it: a daring journey, childhood nostalgia, lighthearted hijinks. But now I knew better as I was hip to the sordid subtext of each card. Obviously I didn't accumulate the entire set, but from these packs I pulled five singles that we can use to sorta outline some of the main events of the film - because if you've read this far, why the hell not?

- Paul

#26 "CPR Jump start"

Chuckie lies face down in a river after his older brother has left him there to die. Fortunately runaway circus dog Bingo shows up, pulls Chuckie out of the river, and manages to perform chest compressions until he regains consciousness. Bingo then strips the boy nude to dry his clothes before a bear sends them up a tree where they spend the night. Meanwhile, Chuckie's parents intentionally disregard his absence from home to teach him a lesson about being too attention-starved. 

#54 "The Duke of Franks"

Part of the setup is that Chuckie and his family are moving from Colorado to Wisconsin but they've left Bingo behind, so Bingo is following their trail across states by the scent of Chuckie's urine. En route, the family visits a truck stop restaurant where it's discovered that the chef (Glenn Shadix) is making his hotdogs out of actual dogs. Of course, Bingo eventually shows up and frees all the canines, and then drives a truck into the restaurant with a decidedly unspectacular crash. 

#66 "Saved By The Summons"

Bingo is taken in by a new family after he rescues them from a hostage situation. Because of his involvement, the dog is subpoenaed to testify in court against the kidnappers. I really just had to include this one because it's that one part I remember most from the trailer. I feel like a circle's been closed. 

#73 "Here Comes The Guard"

During the trial, the defense lawyer finds a loophole that incriminates Bingo, and so he's sent to jail. People jail. He has a little prison uniform and everything. This isn't just a quick visual gag, this actually ends up being a main trajectory in the scope of the whole plot. Typically I would applaud such a mix of bravery and madness, but it just comes across as dumb and dull.

#105 "Hoping For The Best"

This is a moment from the last scene of the movie, so spoiler I guess. Every character from the entire film is gathered in a hospital room in a dazed, gleeful anticipation for the reunion of Chuckie and Bingo. It plays out like either a dream sequence, or this is heaven and they're all dead. At any rate, we end on an announcement from Dad that Bingo is to be neutered, because this movie is entirely preoccupied with anything below the waist. 

Blood on the Dance Floor

Come on and get down on it! Tonight we're gonna dance like no one's watching -- and they're not, because they're too busy kung fu fighting. Let's explore the moments when boogying gets brutal and the bullets rip to the sound of the beat. (And for once I'm not including Secret of the Ooze on the damn list.) Burn the mother down, y'all.

- Paul

Collateral

It seems like I'm starting off strong but this is actually the goofiest entry in this lineup. Once guns are ablaze, the crowd starts doing laps with no one heading for the exit. Actually, I think more people join the chaos as it escalates, possibly materializing from the bathroom and the bar(?). In fact, I'm pretty sure you can spot some folks still dancing even at the end of the scene. I admire their dedication to the groove. 

Airplane!

I guess we can call this the second goofiest entry -- but the violence is no joke. Apart from the brawling girl scouts we get a legit stabbing, which in turn designs some new dance moves. These patrons are even more invulnerable than the ones in Collateral. 

The Terminator

It doesn't matter how much Arnold and his scowl stand out in a crowd because everyone's too busy dancing to Ricky Phillips and Tryanglz. Also blending into the ambience of Tech Noir is a big shiny gun with a laser on it. Actually the shootout also lends to the atmosphere. So really, nothing to see here. 

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

In lieu of actually storming a New York dance club and fuckin' shit up (which probably would've been cooler), we instead get a tense one on one that ends with a brief but savage thrashing. Oh Eva, your screentime was far too short. 

The Dark Knight

Maybe the greatest lesson in "less is more". This very short scene, in which Batman confronts Eric Roberts, carries the style of the entirety of one of the Schumacher films, but obviously it's much more effective in the framework of the Nolan universe.

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

This entire list could've been twice as long and been all "school dance" scenarios. Instead I settled on one, and it's the one that's the weirdest. À la Freddy's Revenge, Vicki is possessed with the ghost of Mary Lou, until Mary Lou decides to burst out of Vicki's body at the prom. Then it becomes a bit of Carrie, but again, weirder. 

It's a Wonderful Life

Not any real violence here, but there's malicious intent (at least, I used to think that). Stay with me: during the graduation dance, a heartbroken Alfalfa is approached by a nameless instigator who happens to have the key to open the gym floor, revealing the swimming pool underneath. I'd always proclaimed that this guy was Lucifer himself, but really that doesn't make any sense - his actions almost directly bring George and Mary that much closer together. At any rate, this guy was wielding the powers of fate. (Eventually everyone voluntarily jumps into the pool, but he jumps somewhere else.)

Jacob's Ladder

There really isn't a moment in this movie that isn't just generally upsetting, but there are definitely a handful of scenes that are "extra" - winged demon bat grinding to James Brown's "My Thang" is near the top of that list. It's all disgusting and disorienting enough, and then the punchline just ruins your life forever. 

MY POSTER PAST :: part 12

Tonight, we're gonna get Funky -- we're going to briefly explore the history of another poster company. Yes, this is my idea of funkiness, but in more literal terms we're gonna be looking at Funky Enterprises, Inc. - a brand that started strong in the 1970s, and as usual, died out in the 21st Century.

Located in Richmond Hill, New York, they hit the ground running with an inventory that consisted almost entirely of psychedelic art and, most notably, blacklight posters. In fact, if you saw or owned any blacklight posters from the 70s through the 90s, the odds were pretty even that it came from Funky. (I had a few myself, but in my experience blacklight bulbs typically tended to melt every lamp I'd screw them into.)

Their supremacy in the world of "Blacklight Art" was more than enough to secure their legacy in classy home decor, but in the 1980s they gracefully (actually, skillfully) changed with the times by successfully securing the licenses to a ton of music artists. Like, all of them; they offered popular prints for Bon Jovi, Guns & Roses, Metallica, and Ozzy, but they also had the monopoly on recognizable Classic Rock images of Led Zeppelin, Bob Marley, Queen, and The Beatles. 

If a big neon wizard or a picture of David Lee Roth in midair wasn't appealing enough to the youth culture, they also leaned hard into the pinup category, offering tons of tantalizing portraits of oiled bodies of both sexes in various states of undress. By the end of the decade, Funky had dominated the bedrooms and dorm rooms and basements and garages of at least two generations of fine art collectors. And they weren't done. 

I have personal experience with the blacklight trend even though I was a teenager two decades after the height of its popularity, but if you're anywhere near my age then you remember how a gaudy wave of superficial 60s and 70s "retro" nostalgia abruptly became big business in every corner of the culture, and suddenly I found myself in my bedroom behind a beaded curtain listening to "Within You Without You", lit by a 16'' Lava Lamp and a glowing Grim Reaper on my wall. In other words, blacklight ornamentation came back in a big way. Maybe bigger - not that I was old enough to visit a "head shop", but the expansion of this otherwise niche artwork into mainstream retailers and shopping malls (i.e. Spencer's Gifts) made them that much more accessible to minors like me. All they had to do was swap out KISS with Sublime and it was like no time has passed.

Funky's biggest "competitor" (and former Poster Past subject) was O.S.P. Publishing - a company that also put out plenty of posters of music artists and centerfolds, but also had the monopoly on major motion pictures. As far as movies, Funky's involvement was sparse and notable. They had a deal with New Line Cinema, and with that they managed to produce some artwork from Elm Street to Lord of the Rings for public consumption. The other really huge deal they landed was with comic books - both Marvel and DC. So if you remember those big illustrated prints of Superman or various X-Men that had that specific Fox Kids aesthetic to them, they were probably from Funky. In fact, they managed to hold onto the license long enough that they were able to put out a series of prints for the 2002 Spider-Man movie. 

The company's end is tired and predictable: The Internet came along and they dissolved into the ether. Again, not just because the Net killed retailers, but it also wounded the concept of decorating your environment with pictures that would ultimately distract you from... The Internet. Me, I don't march to that beat -- but I did do a quick inventory of what's on my walls right now and sadly I'm currently displaying only one Funky Enterprises print - of New Kids on the Block (though I have an embarrassing amount of Funky brand Britney Spears posters rolled up in my closet). Additionally, I'm currently only showing two O.S.P. posters (Bram Stoker's Dracula and a Dick Tracy Madonna print). But I suppose that makes sense - over the years, the ratio of movies to bands to boobs probably evened out statistically, with Cindy Crawford, Danny DeVito, and Freddie Mercury all vying for my attention. Really nothing's changed. 

- Paul

STATIC SHOTS

Linda's Theme

Junk Food Mascots: The 90s Upgrades!

Shit got noisier, faster, and more colorful during The Last Great Decade. But that's because it had to: the salt got saltier, the sizes got super, and the corn syrup got more glutinous. To match that, advertising took the plunge into the neon pool of Pop Art and Wacky Pomo, creating marketing that would reach out of the TV, grab us by the ankles, and dangle us by our Air Jordans as they commanded "Hey! Come get this sugar, home skillet!" Not even the Noid would've survived this technicolor jungle, his clay ass woulda been dried and crushed into Baby Bottle Pop dust and snorted into the big red nose of some demented clown. This was the era of IN YOUR FACE and these brave soldiers got way up in there. 

- Paul

The Craver

Honeycomb Cereal

"The Addict" is more like it. The "Honeycomb Hideout" was sorta the star of the previous campaign (or maybe it was the robot who lived there) but those still embraced the "Yeah Yeah Yeah" jingle that went all the way back to the 1950s. All of that crumbled in the wake of this meth head with matted hair and a speaking syntax that matched the baby from that Dinosaurs show. His energy blended right into the mania of the times - as a result, he left little impact on me, but looking at him now from a distance, I kinda hated that asshole.

The Polar Bears

Coca-Cola

Coke has never had any truly pronounced spokespeople (they never needed one) - many famous bands and artists sang their jingle, but apart from a few plugs from Max Headroom, their main character was, statistically speaking, Santa Claus. So the North Pole seemed like a smooth transition in 1993 when they kicked off their "Always Coca-Cola" campaign that would ultimately become one of the most synonymous hallmarks of the decade. At the forefront of the campaign was computer animated polar bears that drank Coke, lumbered around, and groaned a lot. They materialized as everything from stuffed animals to cookie jars and we all just took it as it came. In this case, I wasn't entirely thrilled with it then, but I love it now. 

Polly the Parrot

Polly-O String Cheese

This bird that sells cheese has actually been with the brand since the 1940s. But when Kraft bought the company in the 80s, the parrot took a backseat to character actor John Capodice, who gracefully handled the task of pushing their "new" product: String Cheese! (It's the best part of the pizza!) Flash forward to the 90s when cheese products aren't just popular, they reign fucking supreme. Polly-O doesn't need to sell it, they need to represent, and suddenly the bird is the word: give Polly a backwards hat, some bling, and induct him as the fourth member of House of Pain. This is how a proper society functioned.

The Simpsons

Butterfinger

I say "The Simpsons" but really it was Bart. And I say "The 90s" but technically this crusade started in 1988, which means the cartoon was still only confined to The Tracy Ullman Show. I can only speak for myself when I say that I didn't take notice of these commercials (or of Butterfinger) until the family got their own series -- and at that point we were prepared to buy any and every thing that had even the most mild correlation to the show. But even after the mania died down, they stuck with the Nestlé company for the entirety of the decade, also appearing in ads for at least two kinds of Butterfinger Ice Cream, as well as the now-cult favorite Butterfinger BBs. After 2001, they no longer heartily endorsed this event or product.

Reba McEntire

Fritos

In 1994, Cheetos had Chester Cheetah, Doritos had Chevy Chase, and Fritos had... Reba? The task bestowed upon her was to bestow upon us Fritos Scoops (which was totally a huge deal) and then the new Fritos Texas Grill flavor. But this wasn't just some commercial cameo - she appeared on actual bags of the stuff, as well as shirts and hats and supermarket displays. Meanwhile, Frito-Lay sponsored her tour schedule for years to come, so that she could spread the word across the land about the night the lights went out in Georgia, and also corn chips. 

Gidget

Taco Bell

Not since Clara Peller asked "Where's the Beef?" did a fast food representative generate so much buzz (or merchandise) - seriously, I don't think Ronny McD ever even had this much juice. I feel like it was around this time (1997) when that brief era of Chihuahua Culture began (I doubt it was from Ren & Stimpy), but for me, this was about as cute and clever as it was ever gonna get; the absurdist angle was refreshing to find in mainstream advertising (compared to those Budweiser frogs this was high art) but like with anything else that generates "surprise popularity" they drove it right into the ground hard and fast.

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XIX: "Watchers II" and Dave Portnoy's One Bite Five Cheese Pizza

Of all the "formulas" (some real, some rumored) utilized by Roger Corman, they're all meant to land on the same conclusion: profitability. Sure he expected quality as well, so when his company put out a good movie made for cheap that managed to be profitable, he would put another formula into play: The Sequel. 

The first Watchers movie (which we saw very recently so expect comparisons) was released in theaters in 1988 and did very little business. However (and predictably) it prospered as a video rental. And so, directly onto tape came Watchers II in 1990, recycling basically the same story as the first one, which isn't weird since they're both based off the same singular novel by Dean Koontz. We thought the biggest strength of the first movie was its charming domestic core of a boy and his mom trying to rescue the family pet from bad guys. The sequel (which supposedly is more faithful to the book) leans heavy into the science/military perspective, and our two main characters are literally a solider (Marc Singer as Guile from Street Fighter II) and a scientist (Tracy Scoggins as Laura Palmer's cousin Maddy). Their chemistry is forced but pleasant; they never get annoying, but we never get invested. But truly unlike the first movie, the monster (called The Outsider) actually gets screen time - a ton of it (which might not be a good thing). In appearance it looks like an updated colorized version of so many rubber monsters that haunted so many black & white B-Movies of the past (many of them from Corman), but more specifically a combination of the transformed Dr. Z in Zaat and the Gargoyle from The Terror Within. It's adequately icky, but it's completely undermined by the stuntman's performance: he stumbles and waves his arms around comically and constantly like the robot from Lost in Space (or, more appropriately, a B-Movie monster with a rubber suit). Stuff like that makes us appreciate performances like Kevin Peter Hall as the Predator and how some menacing choreography can make all the difference.

We didn't know who Dave Portnoy was. We kinda continue to not know who he is - a quick search proved to be just boring enough to be almost sedative; despite our role in this medium, "Internet Personalities" aren't really our thing. But the one relevant phrase that popped up was the concept of "one bite", in which you're meant to provide a rating of a pizza's quality after just one bite. Coincidentally (or is it ironically) the first bite of this One Bite Five Cheese Frozen Pizza isn't particularly pleasant. Think of how many frozen pizzas advertise "Three Cheese" or "Four Cheese" or "Five Cheese" or "Every Cheese Ever" and in the end, it just tastes like one singular nondescript cheese. But in the case of this recipe, the mix comes across as aggressively salty/sour, and there's a ton of it; it combines Provolone, Asiago, Parmesan, Romano, and "low moisture" Mozzarella, and it makes for a beautiful color & texture that most closely resembles a Ninja Turtles cartoon, but the flavor is, at best, just okay. Actually, the closer you get to the crust as the cheese ratio begins to regulate itself, the closer it comes to nearly excellent pizza. But dude, you're gonna need way more than one bite to get there. 

The Movie: C+

The Pizza: B

NAME THAT MOVIE!

Here we are: early-to-mid August. The Sunday brunch of Summer. Only 5 more minutes till Halloween and a couple more Zendaya movies till Xmas. Be merry and bright.

For the last round we attempted to stagger the publication of answers to allow a fresh take on the whole set without the influence of others' guesses. Of course, we didn't designate any specific amount of time and the whole approach was kinda vague at best, but mostly it relies too heavily on folks actually reading these long ass intros, and frankly we're just asking too much of everybody at that point. The whole purpose of this place is to chill (sometimes to complain, but mostly chill), and a good way to achieve that is to lighten up on the red tape. Just sit down and have fun dammit!

EASY

FAIR

DIFFICULT