Bennett Media goes WRESTLING!

Back in the 1980s, the stereotype was that televised Wrestling was mostly embraced by Rednecks and Trailer Trash. That might've been unfair, but in my experience it was entirely true; a lotta the kids I knew who were considerably less fortunate than I really seemed to embrace it as part of their personality. Then in the 90s, the appeal seemed to grow and integrate more into the mainstream, and suddenly "Big Van Vader" is wrestling Ben Savage on Boy Meets World, and I start to see more t-shirts around school that I don't understand. 

Obviously this isn't a history lesson; everything I've mentioned is just observation mixed with speculation, because it's not like I was just "unaware" of Wrestling... I was actively disinterested - which is just a polite way of saying I didn't like it. I still don't. But I'm preserving politeness because I didn't come here to shit on a most beloved part of Pop Culture. In fact, I'm here to celebrate it (in my own way)! As mentioned, Wrestling and Wrestlers aren't always confined to the ring -- in many cases, they were integral to stuff I liked too. I'd always maintained that I didn't know much about it, but when I started to compile a physical list, I came up with over a dozen examples of Wrestling-related things that I've experienced throughout my life that managed to win me over (or at least hold my interest for the duration). Granted they never tempted me to dive any deeper into the wide world of rasslin' but I'm grateful for these 15 contributions.

- Paul

Suburban Commando

featuring Hulk Hogan

My VHS version of Gremlins 2 did not feature the cameo from The Hulkster (nor did it even contain the alternate Home Video scene with John Wayne either). Nevertheless, Hulk Hogan was everywhere for years before this Science Fiction Action Family film came out in 1991 (or, more specifically, 1992 which is when I probably saw it on tape), but this was my first experience spending any real amount of time with him. Yes, it probably would've been unbearably weak without the presence of Christopher Lloyd, but the chemistry between both of them is undeniable. (Fun Fact: it was written for Schwarzenegger and DeVito, who did Twins instead -- a movie I like considerably less than this one.)

Slim Jim Commercials

featuring Randy "Macho Man" Savage

Macho Man is a good example of my inarticulate approach to wrestlers at that time, which is just a general feeling of "What's this guy's problem?" But Slim Jim knew how to harness and present that hernia-inducing energy and managed to create TV ads that felt like Action Movies. Matched with the fact that I'm a big fan of the product, Mach Man was always alright with me. 

WWF Wrestling Buddies

from Tonka!

Speaking of memorable TV ads! There was nary a commercial break in the early 1990s that didn't include this sales pitch for pillows designed to look like muscular naked men. Thinking of them now makes me aware of another reason for my disinterest in the genre: I really didn't have that little boy urge to beat the shit out of someone. Maybe I was born without that gene, or maybe I just ignored it. Or maybe it was upbringing; I didn't have the kinda dad that would playfully put me in a headlock as a sign of affection. At any rate, these commercials always depicted everything in a very wholesome light, making them feel very non-intrusive during any given episode of DuckTales. 

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

featuring "Captain" Lou Albano

Before his title role in The Super Mario Bros. Super Show and long before his cameo in Stay Tuned, I knew him as Cyndi Lauper's disapproving dad. He'd also pop up in her "Time After Time" video, and also the video for the Goonies song (which actually featured like ten other wrestlers). The Cyndi Lauper/Wrestling connection would baffle me for most of my life, until I read a SPIN Magazine article detailing her manager's love of Wrestling, and the casting of Lou Albano to try to boost Cyndi's fan base. (It worked.) Even still, when the Mario show premiered, my mom recognized him as a wrestler first because, to perpetuate the stereotype, she actually spent some time living in a trailer park in Florida. 

Stripes

Mud Wrestling

I'm including this because a.) this may very well be my real introduction to Wrestling, and b.) I can't seem to compose any list without including Stripes. (In fact, I'm gonna make a tag for it right now.) The concept of physical altercation as sport wasn't totally lost on me at 4 years old but there were definitely elements of this specific activity that were a little confusing - all I knew was that it was exciting when the girls lost their bikinis. Actually, in hindsight, I now realize that I understood everything about this scene as a child. 

Honeycomb Commercial

featuring Andre The Giant

Another supposedly fundamental experience I didn't grow up with was The Princess Bride -- which just means that my one true connection to Andre The Giant is his appearance in a 1989 Honeycomb Cereal commercial that aired hourly right into the 90s. The premise: four kids and a robot are enjoying Honeycomb in their treehouse when they get harassed by a giant who's hungry for cereal. Tensions are high at first, but everyone's shared adoration for the Post Breakfast Cereal prompts singing and camaraderie. Strangely, the Honeycomb was the least alluring detail for me: I thought the treehouse was rad, but more than that, the heavily wooded backyard with rich foliage bathed in late afternoon sunshine wasn't too dissimilar from my own backyard when I was a kid, but it was only that much more lusty when this spot would run in the dead of Winter. 

The Three Stooges

Grips, Grunts, and Groans

In this 1937 Columbia Short, the boys befriend a wrestler named Bustoff. Bustoff is a wreckless party animal who drinks himself into a stupor, prompting Curly to apply a fake beard and pose as him in the ring -- but the Mob has money riding on Bustoff, so Curly had better win (even with some predictably unconventional tactics). For the longest time, this was the only depiction of the lifestyle of a wrestler that I was aware of: the debaucherous midpoint between Babe Ruth and Al Capone. I had to admit, it seemed somewhat inviting. 

They Live

featuring "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

I'm sure I've told this story before but it's pertinent to this list... I was flipping through the channels during some weekend afternoon and I came across "The Fight Scene" on a local cable channel. The beginning of the scene. My mother was there too and neither of us knew what this movie was. After about 5 minutes we were convinced that nothing else was gonna happen in this film except this fight. Obviously the plot finally kicked back into gear and what unfolded blew our minds, but not as blown as halting the pace of an otherwise straightforward narrative so a Pro Wrestler can show off what happens when he runs outta bubblegum. 

Pain & Gain

featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

I sat and I thought. And I thought and I thought. "Is it possible I've never seen a movie featuring The Rock? Have I yet to smell what he's cooking?" For a moment I honestly couldn't think of a single one. So I went to The Internet and scrolled the long list of feature films, and I actually found two(!) that I've seen in their entirety, both for partially ironic reasons: Doom (as part of our Video Game Take5 episode) and this, absorbed with a glimmer of hope that a self aware Michael Bay Action Comedy starring The Scorpion King might be more intentionally funny than unintentionally. (It really wasn't.) Honestly, I find the man likable, and despite having seen him in almost nothing, I don't think he's found his groove yet (though I can assume it's not Indie Oscar bait).

The Ren & Stimpy Show

"Mad Dog Höek"

Perhaps I would've been more into Wrestling had it leaned harder into these kindsa extremes (pus, gore, etc.). The irony is that Ren believes Wrestling to be fake and then gets graphically pummeled in various ways, which furthers my point that, if it's gonna be so obviously fake, it should be cartoonishly so; there should be way more poppings of eyeballs and blood vessels. 

Married... With Children

"Flight of the Bumblebee" featuring King Kong Bundy

Clearly it's about time I made a tag for Married... With Children as well. The name "Bundy" always seemed like a questionable choice for a sitcom family in the 80s, but the claim is that it was a direct homage to Pro Wrestler King Kong Bundy, who actually guested on the show twice: once as one of Peg's hick relatives, and then many seasons later as himself, in this episode where Kelly convinces him to beat up Bud in the ring. Definitely two of my least favorite episodes, but the Wrestling aspect is only partially incidental; when this show wanted to go intentionally lowbrow, it went hard, nearly past the point to where someone as shallow as me thought it was stupid, and that's definitely what happened here. Still, we honor this figurative and literal giant for lending his stage name to this iconic fictional family. 

Ed Wood

featuring George "The Animal" Steele (as Tor Johnson!)

This one's all kindsa meta: Pro Wrestler George "The Animal" Steele acting in a movie about director Ed Wood, portraying Pro Wrestler Tor Johnson who's cast by director Ed Wood to be in his movie. When this came out I wasn't really familiar with Plan 9 or Tor Johnson, but I immediately changed that right after I saw this, and I'm still as startled today as I was back then at how perfect this casting was. The resemblance is just uncanny! 

1 Night in China

featuring Joanie "Chyna" Laurer and Sean Waltman

Almost immediately after the "success" of Paris Hilton's leaked sex tape 1 Night in Paris, Chyna and Pro Wrestler fiancée Sean Waltman voluntarily sold their own homemade video to XXX studio Red Light District, cleverly adapting the punny title. Even during the dawn of the age of "pirating" and "downloading", I actually rented this video from the adult video store (because when it comes to smut I guess I'm just old-fashioned). Chyna apparently embraced the attention and continued making porn movies, but my curiosity halted after just 1 night. 

Blade Runner 2049

featuring Dave Bautista

I'd already seen him Guardians of the Galaxy and he (like the entirety of that movie) didn't really leave an impression on me -- at best I'm sure I just brushed him aside as some meathead hired for his exaggerated  physique. Obviously I was not so quick to dismiss his very brief but totally memorable moment in this movie that didn't require muscles at all; he gives a decidedly subtle turn as a soft spoken replicant who enjoys reading and farming. Putting him in the role could've come across as ironic, but no one approaches it that way and the scene remains memorable on its own merits. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

featuring Kevin Nash

Lastly, what's a Bennett Inventory compilation without some mention of Ninja Turtles -- more specifically, Super Shredder! For me, nothing tops his menacing presentation in Part One - but that fell in line with the tone of that film. This decidedly goofy sequel only sometimes got as loud and colorful as it was trying to be, but this moment, depicting a giant mutated Shredder (played by Pro Wrestler Kevin Nash), is the crescendo of this movie's intended madness. Again, if Wrestling had ever featured costumes this over-the-top, it may've just piqued my interest. 

The 3 of them

Midnight, Baseball Bats, and Boogeymen

Freddy Krueger has haunted me my whole life. Well, not my whole life - maybe till I was about 20, at which point we became good friends and have stayed that way ever since. But as a child of the 80s, oh man, it was a very different relationship. But not entirely different...

I'll try not to belabor the fact that, yes, Freddy Krueger appeared on all kindsa merchandise during his tenure as a Box Office draw, and just about all of that merch was aimed at kids -- seriously, after the t-shirts, video game, school supplies, sticker albums, and bubblegum, I don't know how we didn't get a breakfast cereal. 

To me, this was both a blessing and a problem. A problem because, unlike some of my peers who were close in age, all of this candy colored crap that reached as far as the toy aisle was not my first exposure to The Springwood Slasher - it was the actual movies themselves. Before I'd reached the age of 3, my sister (who is 12½ years my elder) watched the original Nightmare on Elm Street around the time of its premiere on HBO and at some point actually taped it off of TV, so a lotta that blood & terror lurked in the periphery of my very early life. Then, shortly after the Home Video debut of Elm Street 2, my sister and a bunch of her friends rented the movie, and I must've been in her care that evening, because for some reason I watched it with them, right there in the living room. (There are a lotta cool and different ways to experience Cinema, but watching a Nightmare on Elm Street videotape with a room full of teenage girls in 1986 is an event that you nor I could ever relive.) 

While I was too young to grasp any sense of plot or conflict or resolution, I was certainly old enough to recognize scary images and what made them so scary. So yes, not being able to walk through Kmart without seeing Freddy's face on ten different products was, in its own way, a problem. As I got older, the character apparently began to get softer and "funnier" in the films, and that afforded his likeness to grace more and more goods and services - but I'd only left off at Part 2, so I wasn't aware of any change in tone; all I knew was that all of a sudden Freddy's introducing Beastie Boys videos on MTV at 2 o'clock in the afternoon and now my day is ruined. 

And yet, I preserve the idea that the Freddy omnipresence in the culture of my childhood was just as equally a blessing, because as human nature dictates, this monster that scared me so severely was always just as fascinating, and the more frightened I got vs. the more movies they made that I was missing only continued to compound the mystique. That mystique would amplify with every trip down the Horror aisle at the video store and I'd see those colorful tapes with that goddamn son of a hundred maniacs leering out at me through his various artistic interpretations. On my braver days I'd physically touch these cursed objects and look at the back covers, hoping for clues to the plots and backstories and origins and motivations and all of the things that kept me up at night wondering and worrying. 

But really, it was Freddy himself who wouldn't let me sleep, because apart from my faded memories from when I was 3 years old, his powers and malevolence and what he was capable of was mostly a product of my own imagination. And my imagination was fucking dark - I'd envisioned these films as having a flavor that I would nowadays equate to stuff like Audition or Human Centipede: a completely humorless endurance test. By the time I faithfully began reading Fangoria Magazine, they began promoting the buzz around Elm Street 7, with a supposed real life Freddy Krueger terrorizing the real world! I was dead. 

The curiosity never left me, and at some point in my mid teens I revisited Part One on video. It was amazing how much I'd actually remembered from an age when I was barely old enough to remember, while at the same time realizing that it wasn't nearly as terrifying (or informative) as I'd thought (and hoped) it was; I cautiously approached it to quench my thirst for the exposition I'd always been so curious about, only to get a flat line reading from Ronee Blakley.

Cut to that Summer of 2003 when I was steadily accumulating all the headlining Horror franchises on DVD, simply so that I could see most of them for the first time. But with elm street I went all in and bought the New Line Platinum Nightmare on Elm Street Collection: an 8-disc box set that was just as beautiful as it was a cumbersome clunky mess of plastic and cardboard. I devoured it from the inside out, first watching them in the order of the ones I was most curious about (I started with Freddy's Dead) and then tirelessly revisiting the ones I liked the most. I watched and rewatched all the special features: every interview, every photo gallery, every production note - nothing was uninteresting. While not much of the franchise managed to be as scary or even as engrossing as I thought it was, it captured my spirit with its barrage of humor and color and music and inventiveness and nostalgia. The obsession was always there, and finally being able to explore these films as freely and frequently as I wanted both satisfied and magnified my devotion. Obviously (as you damn well know) I found some of the movies in the series to be more to my liking than the others, while observing that they all stand on very different merits. Here are my intellectual musings about a movie franchise where a guy can turn into a hall monitor or a motorcycle at the drop of a fedora. Bon appétit, bitch. 

- Paul

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

I can say I've been extra hard on this movie over the years, but it's often been a defense mechanism against the criticisms of the sequels that I prefer. But really, its atmosphere is undeniable - much of which comes from the vivid cinematography from Jacques Haitkin (who also shot Part 2) and the enduring Charles Berstien music score. And not to call too much attention to the obvious, but a Horror Movie Monster with an identifiable image and personality is still as fresh and exciting today as it was in '84.

Grade: B

After more than four decades of borderline Freddy Krueger fatigue, when I think of this movie, I think of Heather Langenkamp; I don't know if it's the general consensus, but she 100% carries this whole film, and she does it with more character and grace than most other "Final Girls" in the genre. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 - Freddy's Revenge (1985)

For the full review you can read this. For the short, short version, I'll reiterate this point: Elm Street movies' most exciting moments are when they're in "nightmare mode", and because Freddy's Revenge is largely a Possession Movie, we're in that mode for the duration. Every dreadful scene abides by the rules of dream logic, and so we're never not in danger. That's the tone, and it makes for An Exceptional Horror Film.

Grade: A+

For whatever atmosphere the first movie established, this was the only sequel that managed to improve upon it in the least cartoonish way. Despite its fashions and pop songs and other dated elements, this film could fit right into the Psychological Thrillers of the 1960s, sharing company with Carnival of Souls and Repulsion. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 - Dream Warriors (1987)

Here's the thing: whenever I decide to rank the Elm Street movies to my liking, I'l run down the list from best to worst, and nearly every time I'll realize that I totally forget to include Dream Warriors. Obviously that means I don't completely love it, but it also means that I don't necessarily hate it either. I think the problem (if you can call it that) is that this is the only really plot-heavy installment, featuring the most speaking parts and the strongest attempt at continuity. I'm assuming it's these aspects that make it the fan favorite, but apparently I'm in the market for something different. 

Grade: B-

Yes, this is where the humor and the hokeyness started, but it's also where the money started, and I think we lost some grit and grime with the bigger budgets. Still, at the end of the day, the whole premise of this movie and all its set pieces are really fun and clever, and they're executed awesomely. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 - The Dream Master (1988)

I still hold onto the idea that this is what I'd show to someone who wanted to know what a Nightmare on Elm Street movie was like. That's because it has no real plot of its own - instead, it pulls components from the first three movies to make one noisy, colorful, stylistically erratic Mega Nightmare. It's Freddy's Force Awakens. That kinda patchwork performs just fine for me, but its overall lack of surprise and originality will always kinda hinder it. (And I just hate when characters are played by a different actor in a sequel.)

Grade: B+

And yet I actually prefer Tuesday Knight. (And I mean that in general.) Fat Boys notwithstanding, this has the best soundtrack in the series, and also just one of my favorite movie soundtracks of all time. After all, this is the one that features Freddy on the beach wearing sunglasses. You either dig that or you don't. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5 - The Dream Child (1989)

Take the hodgepodge of Part 4, try to sequelize it in a consistent way, and we get one wild mess of a Monster Movie. Actually, its stretched premise and silly inconsistencies are the strengths of this film; again, like a STAR WARS sequel, the rushed production manages to make a very tired scenario into an almost abstract stream-of-consciousness experiment. Sadly they forgot to include any interesting characters or even slightly scary moments. 

Grade : C

Lisa Wilcox easily sheds the label of Final Girl and is just a straightforward Heroine by this point, and I very much would've liked to see her in more and better installments. And I don't mean to minimize her screen presence by pointing out that this is Freddy Krueger's most boring rendition. My least favorite movie of the original franchise. 

Freddy's Dead - The Final Nightmare (1991)

This is the first one I remember seeing a lotta trailers and TV spots for, which jangled my nerves as much as it piqued my interests; compared to my ideas of an Elm Street movie, it looked weird and different and twisted and modern by comparison. And for the most part, that's all true - I just wasn't counting on all the buffoonery. At this point in the culture, Freddy hadn't been scary for a long time, and turning him more into a meddlesome prankster put him more in line with The Joker. I'm not mad! 

Grade: C+

Just because it was "funny" doesn't mean all the jokes landed - a lot of it was stupid. But I was always most curious to see this one because it supposedly dove into the Krueger backstory (in 3-D no less) and that's the angle that I've been most interested in forever. Did they adequately pull it off? Really, I base my letter grade almost exclusively on that segment. 

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

Never has there been a better or more clever device to revisit a tired (and supposedly concluded) franchise (especially in Horror). Somewhere between Fellini and Charlie Kaufman, this is as intellectual as Elm Street would ever get (after Part 2 of course); and like I said, the premise alone was enough to horrify anyone who was actually still afraid of Freddy (like 11-year-old me). 

Grade: B+

Apart from its neat setup, we get another Heather-driven vehicle, and she understood the assignment so good. Also "real life" Freddy is a super sleek upgrade - though I champion any attempts to give him a new look (more on that to come).

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

So this is like my fifth time publishing my opinions of this movie, so I'll try to give it a different context. It's incredibly notable (and fortunate) that this was released during the very same summer that I had familiarized myself (and became obsessed with) Freddy and Jason -- truly there has been no better example of "great timing" in my life. It might also be the best example of "Fan Service" and how there's a very graceful and correct way to do it, and through the lens of this mega fan at the height of his fandom, they did pretty well.

Grade: B

Ok, so it's ugly as fuck, and the VFX and the soundtrack are trash, but as I pointed out in my Friday the 13th list, this is probably our last Robert Englund Freddy movie, and his decades of experience as the character is totally exploited here to its fullest potential. It's like watching Heath in The Dark Knight: This is all we'll ever get, so enjoy it!

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Great cast, seasoned subject matter, and a heavy lean on the Origin Story crap that I'm so into. So, what happened? ...No, seriously, what happened? Nearly every detail of this remake escaped me immediately after its release (as well as immediately after two subsequent attempts since then). It makes it hard to identify the things that didn't work for me, but "boring and forgettable" never work for me. 

Grade: D

I do remember the flashback stuff being equal parts compelling (Jackie Earle's performance) and ridiculous (so Freddy only ever wore stripes?). Robert Englund's been pushing for a prequel for decades (with or without him) and this is actually (and unfortunately) the best they've given us (up to and including the Freddy's Nightmares TV Show episode, "No More Mr. Nice Guy").

Despite the incessant complaining, people seem to want remakes and reboots and sequels and crossovers and multiverses of everything they've ever seen, and they want it all to be the same as it ever was - including Freddy Krueger and A Nightmare on Elm Street. That 2010 remake has only ever been vastly unpopular, but people's complaints have only ever been along the lines of "it's not exactly like the Robert Englund movies." Heck, that was the one thing I gave it credit for; if you dare to call your movie a "reboot" because you're too pussy to say "remake" then you'd better bring in some new elements. I still stand by my position that I'm totally down with ditching the dumb hat & sweater ensemble in favor of anything else; every visual depiction of Dracula looked roughly the same for over 50 years until the Coppola movie changed it up, and now the old one is just that - old. 

As I'm writing this, Paramount has purchased the rights to Elm Street and The Internet is brazenly excited and optimistic (and they're never wrong). Thus begins the superficial speculations and AI renderings of which actor can do their best Robert Englund impersonation. What a buncha dumb shit. Obviously I have curiosity, but I do with nearly every movie, until I don't (usually around when the trailer drops). Seriously, I welcome any kinda continuation/reinvention of this franchise -- after 9 movies I can't really be precious about "ruining" some dumbass "legacy". Still, there will be the copy & paste protests of "no one can replace Robert!" More dumb shit; again, who's still hanging onto Lugosi (or Max Schreck) as the final word on a fictional icon? 

My son has grown up around Freddy Krueger because his image has graced much of the decor that covers the home he's gown up in, but I've only just recently started introducing him to the feature films (because clearly he has no limits when it comes to this stuff). His attention span is already questionable at best, but obviously he's most interested whenever Freddy is on the screen  - and really, who could blame him? And again, like every other thing from childhood, this material will supposedly soon bleed back into the culture with another installment, and the facsimile of the world I grew up in will just be my kid's current reality. It's kinda stupid, but it's also kinda ok -- as long as it means that we get more merchandise!

STATIC SHOTS

 

 

Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies

NAME THAT MOVIE!

How's it been out there? Workin' on your tan? Hittin' the arcades? Scorin' chicks? The season's swimming right by and we need details so we can live vicariously through your escapades! While we juggle the two extremes of the arctic air conditioning of the office and the greasy mist of the deep fryer, we need to know that y'all are out there ridin' the rides and sailin' the Orinoco flow.

And if you have a sec, see if you can name these movies. The last round was a minor scramble in the spirit of First Come First Serve -- wondering if we should go back to the days of publishing the comments all at once after some fixed amount of time. If you have any strong feelings either way on this, let us know. Otherwise, you, the wildcat, and every other person on that bus are gonna end up just like your friend.

EASY

FAIR

DIFFICULT