TRADING CARDS :: Creature Feature

Us 80s kids often site Topps' Fright Flicks as a major gateway to Horror Pop Culture (as I publicly have). Their whole gimmick of printing ghastly movie stills and pairing them with punny captions became a recognizable trademark, but they certainly didn't own the copyright on that formula. Topps utilized the exact same setup for a much earlier set of cards called Creature Feature. 

First introduced in 1973, they were exactly what you're thinking (if I'm explaining it well enough): publicity shots from old black & white Monster Movies accompanied by dumb jokes (the alternate title for these card was literally You'll Die Laughing). Somehow this equation seemed to work in the eyes of the Topps marketing team, because they revived and upgraded the series in 1980 - which is the set we'll be exploring today. 

The '73 cards were printed entirely in black & white which certainly worked to maintain that sense of vintage nostalgia. But in 1980, the time of Prom Night and "Funkytown", Topps injected some accents of color into the moldy old monster pics, thus crafting one of my favorite Pop Art aesthetics. Drawing exclusively from the Universal Pictures film library, this set offered 88 cards and 22 stickers, showcasing all the marquee monsters (largely without Dracula due to licensing issues with the Bela Lugosi estate), as well as some not-so-famous creatures to beef up the bash - and it's from those lesser-known ghouls that I pulled 5 to focus on in this article, because frankly the leaders of this pack get all the attention (and sequels) and these are some characters that needed a lot more character development (and love).

- Paul

(#3) The Creature Walks Among Us

Okay, so technically the Gill Man is a Universal headliner, but certainly not this obscure iteration. This is from the third and final Creature From the Black Lagoon film (which is often noted as the final entry in the original Universal Monsters era) but he's otherwise tough to recognize here because we so rarely see him in raggedy hospital scrubs. One of the plot points of this movie is that the Creature starts to become more humanlike, and obviously a big part of humanity is covering up your naughty bits. So, we're left with this lumbering Frankenstein Fish hybrid that maybe could've become so much more had the series not ended here.

(#21) Monster on Campus

Speaking of confusing transformations -- a scientist cuts his hand on a fossilized fish carcass and it causes him to turn into a prehistoric ape man on a nightly schedule. Weirdest part in that it clears up every morning - I figured something like that would just be a permanent deal. The titular "Monster" isn't very remarkable in looks or motivations, but the erratic performance (which consists of lotsa loud yelling) definitely makes him stand out from his otherwise sophisticated brethren. 

(#24) Tarantula

Most of the giant creatures never had enough personality to catch on as recurring characters (personally I don't know how King Kong or Godzilla slipped past this), but I'd certainly pay to see the giant Tarantula do battle against the giant ants of Them!. But really I should use this space to call attention to director Jack Arnold - in addition to this and Monster on Campus, he also helmed It Came From Outer Space, the first two Creature From the Black Lagoon movies, and most of the bigger effects stuff in This Island Earth. You could say he had a small part in the overall tone of 1950s SciFi. 

(#26) The Mole People

Living beneath the earth (in a mountain, so maybe above the earth?) is a community of albinos who have enslaved the Mole People to harvest mushrooms. The visual depictions of all this stuff is just as bonkers as it sounds, but the story around it and the characters and dialogue within it are too dull to support the weight of its madness. Sadly I think we've also passed the age where a remake might turn out okay. Frankly a better sorta version of this would be The Time Machine from 1960 - I'll take Morlocks over Mole People any day.

(#40) The Projected Man

These cards are kinda doing a disservice to this movie - it's one of the few films that they pull from that was shot and released in color. And in my own opinion, the vivid, almost psychedelic color scheme of this swinging sixties British production is the most exciting thing about this otherwise dry exercise that details yet another pear-shaped science project that produces yet another stiff grumbly monster. Oh, bloody hell.

STATIC SHOTS

Details from LIFE Magazine - October 31, 1960

Nowadays you can still spot a LIFE Magazine in a supermarket or pharmacy, only ever as some "commemorative issue" dedicated to some very specific historical or pop culture crevice. But between 1936 and 1972 it was a weekly publication that seemed to become a staple of... life. It was the hip, new alternative to the newspaper, tackling important stories (there were a few during those decades) as much through the use of pictures as words, thus giving more credibility to the art of Photojournalism.

This issue is dated October 31, 1960 - Halloween. Because of that, the cover story is dedicated to Trick-or-Treating which, in practice, had only been really popular for about ten years at that point, so it was definitely newsworthy. But surrounding that whimsy are lots of doors and windows and clues throughout the issue that give us a solid sense of the world during that week. Wedged in between all the booze and cigarette and butter advertisements, there were multiple promos for Butterfield 8 with Liz Taylor, and also troubling news as the threat of Communism heats up as Cuba starts to become something to worry about. And that indirectly relates to the real atmosphere that hangs heavy in these pages: the U.S. Presidential election was a week away, when John Kennedy would narrowly win against Richard Nixon. The 1960s were officially about to begin. 

 

In the meantime, while some innocence and idealism still existed, photographer George Silke took pictures of his kids and their friends "masquerading", using a camera specifically designed for the "photo finish" on racetracks. Everything considered, the results are haunting and layered. (It's probably my own morbid fascination that makes me wonder if any of these kids ended up in Vietnam.) LIFE Magazines were roughly the size of a medium pizza box, so I've included the best and most pertinent parts of that article that my technology would allow. As noted in the issue's intro, "It's funny and it won't scare the kids."

- Paul

Bile Poridge

My being is locked up inside the squelchy muck that has dripped down within me.

Starting as a simple stain has veined out and collected low and deep, trapping all goodness to be with held from the light.

My eyes are gone and yet remain, no longer windows to my soul, but mirrors of what once was.

I hear my voice, and while my messages are clear, the tone is guttural and piercing to the ears.

You can feel me near you, the way you might the prick of a thorn amongst the brambles; my touch peeling away the flesh from bone so exquisitely.

My breath rots, feeding gooseflesh and misery to even the most forgiving.

I am not done and I never will be

       lost and pained by the mucus and ugliness that has percolated from me to you, intertwining us in hopelessness for all eternity, destined to repeat itself forever.

 

- J

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XXI: "The Terror" and Di Fara Pepperoni Pizza

Roger holds an astounding number of film credits - mostly in the Producing role. At the beginning of his career, he was perhaps the most prolific Director of all time, shooting over two dozen movies between 1955 and 1960; Little Shop of Horrors holds the record for the shortest shooting schedule on a feature film, totaling two days and one night. His drive and resourcefulness and frugality only ever yielded mediocre but profitable results. Eventually this haunted house of cards would collapse.

Immediately after the fast-paced production of The Raven, Corman decided to squeeze one more gothic tale out of the lavish sets that had been built. And so, instead of adapting yet another Poe tale, he had the idea to mimic the author's style with an original story called The Terror (1963). What followed was what he called "the longest production of my career," taking nine months to complete and directing duties being passed from Corman to a literal crowd of otherwise amateur filmmakers: Francis Ford Coppola, Monte Hellman, Dennis Jakob, Jack Hale, Jack Hill, and the film's star, Jack Nicholson. The chaotic rhythm and convoluted storyline of the finished movie kinda reflects the troubled production, but overall it's a pretty steady, drab Castle Drama with adequate atmosphere and really big rugs. Boris Karloff shot for two days on this and he's peppered throughout the film enough to make you feel like he's actually part of this. Dick Miller is his butler with a Bronx accent, and Sandra Knight is the ghost of his dead wife. Or is she? Who the hell knows, the script/story changes are really too maddening to follow; the movie's easiest parts to understand are when people are just strolling silently through the giant hallways. (Jack Nicholson constantly being thwarted by crafty spirits in a giant empty building conjured up plenty of Shining jokes.) Really the most notable thing is Jack; he may've honed his craft over the decades to come, but really, the charisma has always been right there, front & center. Not that he's entirely convincing as an officer in the French military, but he's totally believable as Jack.

A rating of 9.4 "as reviewed by Dave Portnoy" is advertised on the box. That's the second time this guy's name has come up in our frozen pizza ventures and we still kinda don't know or care who he is -- besides, who needs this stooge when you've got Bennett Media taste testing for you already? And we're here to tell you that Di Fara Pepperoni Pizza isn't quite a 9.4, but it doesn't have some big strengths. Firstly, you can tell by the box that they're trying to appear lighter, fancier, all natural, free of dyes and poisons and all the other popular promises, and on that front they succeeded; there is a noticeable freshness in its crispy crust that isn't always present in the world of ice cube dough. Really the only failure in their faux fanciness is the addition of big basil leaves - two to be exact, so if you're a fan of mouthfuls of leafy garnish, you'd better hope you get one of the designated "basil slices". The one element that definitely veers away from the health food vibe and more into cheap disgusting party food is the pepperoni - as in, the pepperoni cups. That's when the pepperoni slices create little durable concave containers of grease, which is a phenomenon that doesn't occur in every brand of frozen pizza. But when it does, it's pure magic.

The Movie: C-

The Pizza: B

HALLOWEEN SNACKS!

Scurry home, children, it's time to feed.

As the parent of a very picky eater, I can look forward to a bounty of free trick-or-treat leftovers at the end of October (except for the Tootise Roll Midgees - no one wants that shit). Also as a grownup, I can just go out and buy candy at any point during any time of the year - but it's only during this time that one can find some of this weirder stuff that celebrates evil and rotting and death. Join me as I get fatter and happier. 

- Paul

Oreo Ghosts

I start with these because I was most excited for them. First of all, the name is pleasantly simple and lyrically stimulating: Oreo Ghosts. Secondly, I love Oreos, but I love ghosts even more; in the catalog of "Halloween things" that would include stuff like cats and pumpkins and spiders and witches, ghosts are my #1. These two enterprises together are a can't-miss -- and yet, they still didn't hit the spot. The description reads, "Dark Chocolaty Shell Filled With Oreo Cookie Pieces and Crème Flavored Filling" (the accent mark is stupid fancy), and so I was looking forward to a bit of crunch or crisp or some kind of textural resistance when I bit down, but these little guys are all cream (or crème) and no cookie. And they are little - if not for the hassle of being individually wrapped I'd suggest throwing a handful into some ice cream, or using them for some kinda baking venture.

Nerds Candy Corn

From a distance it's tough to determine if this was a holiday candy, but apart from the obvious Candy Corn connection, the little illustrated Nerds on the package are dressed as witches and vampires and bats. Adorable! But what really makes this a spooky snack is how strange it is. They 100% have the consistency of regular candy corn, but they're blessed with unmistakable Nerd flavors - and there are many here. Like, literally too many to list; there are six different colored pieces, and each color is a cross pollination of anywhere between 2 and 5 fruits (with the actual "Fruit Punch" flavor carrying and indeterminate numeral). If you truly wish to defy God, eat 2 or 3 different ones at once for a entirely unnatural mosaic of tastes. Wonka may not own Nerds anymore, but this madness feels like his doing.

KitKat Breaking Bones

Immediately after ghosts, skeletons are my second favorite, so I'm easily lured into traps such as these. Apparently (actually, quite evidently, as it shows right on the bag) there's nothing especially skeletal or bone-like about these KitKats. They're white, specifically because they're coated in "Vanilla Flavored Creme" (no accent) but they're still just rectangular cookie wafers. I'm assuming the "Breaking Bones" gimmick applies because you can break them apart... My brother in Christ, that's just a KitKat; there's no real novelty here. I do love the little wrappers they come in (because top hats actually make skeletons better) but I wish the candies themselves had little bone illustrations carved into the coating. I don't think that's a big ask.

Fanta Ghost Face Punch

Did I ever tell you I was "Ghostface" for Halloween at least a year before Scream came out? It was just a cool mask that I'd seen in stores and thought it would look good with a black cloak and hood. I mention this to point out that the image is, for lack of a better word, "generic" - which is the current theme of the usually-licensed Fanta Halloween drinks. This year they've employed a vampire, a werewolf, a scarecrow, and "Ghost Face" (because when it's two words, it's technically not the Scream villain), who's the star of its own new flavor, Ghost Face Punch. It's credited as a "Berry Punch" which is only ever code for "artificial fruit flavor". Frankly I'd been avoiding it all season because everything about it said "Grape" to me, but it really is just a carbonated fruit punch, and it's extremely pleasant. 

Haribo Crazy Skeletons

Bro. Gummy skeletons? It's probably not a new concept but it's new to me. I love that the Haribo bear (formally named Goldbear) is partying with a skeleton who's wearing less than he is. And I love the aesthetic marriage of "Crazy" in rainbow colors and "Skeletons" made of stark, rigid bones. But sadly, I am no fan of sour candy; these are billed as "1 side sweet, 1 side sour" so I thought the blow would be a bit softer, but I think they just went harder to compensate for the compromise. Also, the thing about Haribo: they're damn hard to chew, and gnawing on a full length sour skeleton from head to toe can get pretty arduous. But as the townsfolk say, "This is Halloween."

Witch's Brew White Hot Chocolate

I'm sure I've abridged whatever the real title of this sorcery is, but it's better just to explain: inside the box there's an otherwise hollow ball of white chocolate, and inside the ball is green-colored hot chocolate powder with mini orange and black M&Ms mixed in. Put the ball in a mug, heat up some milk, pour the hot milk into the mug, the ball and its contents melt into a fusion of frothy green goodness. White Hot Chocolate as a subgenre has always been a favorite of mine, though like with all Hot Chocolate stuff I usually associate it with Christmastime. This version's just weird enough that it didn't seem to put me in a Santa state of mind. 

Cheetos The Flavor of Fear

Mmmm, Blumhouse **drools** Tastes like M3GAN...? I don't know know how exactly these tie into Blumhouse Studios or if they're specifically affiliated with one of their productions - that would've taken me a few minutes of research and I really don't have the time. I also didn't do any digging in regards to what other people think these taste like, but I can attest that they do have a very familiar flavor; they're sweet, but not like barbecue sauce sweet, more like sugary sweet. I thought maybe Cinnamon Toast Crunch but it might be even more on-the-nose than that. Frankly it's a distracting endeavor, because they're also hot! I like big heat and I have a good tolerance for it, and I can say these deliver the fire - enough to lose focus on what I'm trying to compare them to. In summary, it's a fun experience (unlike most Insidious sequels). Come do think of it, these probably do taste like M3GAN.

STATIC SHOTS

The Wolf Man (1941)

I SAW IT ON TAPE - Psycho

How often do you get to go into a movie without knowing anything about it? I feel like that formula is even tougher to come by nowadays since magazines and television have cross-pollinated into an ever-present handheld device. But it was especially hard for someone like me growing up and being "into movies" and trying to learn as much about the medium while dodging as many spoilers as possible. And yet, somehow, I managed to get out of the way of a decades-old plot twist until it was finally revealed to me on videocassette. 

I was 11 years old when my parents said, "You know what you need to see...?" Obviously it wasn't going to be entirely fresh; no one lives that long without hearing the name "Norman Bates" or seeing isolated clips of The Shower Scene or hearing constant appropriations of the Bernard Herrmann strings. Heck, High Anxiety was a favorite of mine long before I sat down to watch Psycho, but even then the parody wasn't lost on me because everybody knows that scene. But it was exciting for me to finally put it all into its larger (though still very simple) context.

At this point I don't think anyone has a unique take on The Shower Scene, but I can still remember seeing it with virgin eyes, and I can recall my reaction almost physically. It was during those brief final frames of the culprit leaving the bathroom that made me exclaim out loud, "Ohh! It was the mother!" Can you imagine the immense (but restrained) joy and excitement my parents must've felt in that moment when I said that? So rarely do we get to show a new movie to someone and watch them be so genuinely and utterly engrossed, and also deceived! I doubt even Hitchcock was that delighted when he showed it to audiences (though it's hard to picture Hitch "delighted" in general). Needless to say the film's climax was a legitimate surprise to me (though it provided some previously absent validity to Robin's "Norman Bates" joke in Mrs. Doubtfire), and while I've been somewhat explicit in this story, I tried my best to not fully disclose every detail of the movie, because it's never too late to still be surprised by something.

- Paul

Bennett Media's ORGY OF THE FREAKS

SEE! The hideous creature chained to the wall, yet bound by no moral law!

SEE! The slimy worm as long as a locomotive, burrowing beneath your bed!

SEE! Civilization crumble and perish under the death rays of invaders from another world!

SEE! An obedient housewife grow fangs and feast on the blood of her unsuspecting bridge club!

SEE! Bennett Media's ORGY OF THE FREAKS, an absolutely ghoulish season of mad doctors, monsters, mummies, and many more traditional frights from a classic period of Horror! Cobwebs and cats! Vampires and bats! You're sure to shriek with TERROR at this spine-tingling Web Event that only the Social Media Age could produce! So GHASTLY that you may want to keep scrolling, and hope that this algorithm doesn't show up at your front door!

Join us for a cautiously joyous bash to bring us all the way into Halloween...

if you dare...

 

 

NAME THAT MOVIE!

You can probably count this as our last post of the Summer - mostly because the culture has predictably commenced countdown on Halloween. So check back soon, and watch as we fold under the pressure and kick off our Fall theme - it should be a spooky good time.

But first, this business. Making it so that everyone can answer all at once seems to be the way to go. Sean and Dan came up to bat with big swings while ORC and Sara casually caught the foul balls with ease. And then Tony drove in another run with an inside-the-park home run. (Not sure why we've plunged into baseball analogies.) We'll try not to make you wait until after the holiday for the next one - maybe we'll post a scary movie round (even though those usually sink like a stone). If not, guess you'll just be stuck reading meandering paragraphs about blood, breasts, and beasts till November. In the meantime, take what you can, give nothing back. 

EASY

FAIR

DIFFICULT