FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part IX: "The Creeps" and Ore-Ida Star Tater Tots

From the very beginning (1988) Full Moon maintained a distribution partnership with Paramount Pictures. In '95, Paramount backed off as the Direct-to-Video market started to become noticeably less lucrative. And yet, for a moment in the middle of that relationship, there were serious talks about the possibility of Full Moon theatrical releases. (Obviously Paramount backed out of that too.)

However, during the Halloween Season of 1997, Full Moon unleashed The Creeps into a "limited" amount of theaters before its Home Video release that December. This wasn't on a whim - the movie was shot in 2.35 widescreen, and was presented in theaters in 3-D. Every Home Video iteration has been 2-D, and hoo boy does it make for some uncomfortably awkward compositions; long, clumsily blocked takes with no cuts or camera movements make the whole thing feel like you're watching a play. Nevertheless, with Charles Band in the director's chair, it still feels like very much like Full Moon. The plot is weird and demands tons of expository dialogue: after obtaining the original manuscripts of old Horror Novels, a mad scientist is able to bring Count Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, The Wolf Man, and The Mummy into reality. The scientist kidnaps librarian Anna (Rhonda Griffin) because he apparently needs a virgin to make his monster-making machine work -- but she manages to escape in the middle of the process, and so the monsters all materialize as dwarves. And so, we get a kinda Monster Squad premise, but the gimmick is that they're little people (because Full Moon). This does afford studio regular Phil Fondacaro to totally steal the show as Count Dracula, but really it's the draggy actionless scenes that manage to make it more tedious than most of their other productions. However, there are a few moments that take place in a legit video store, and so we get to have extended, uninterrupted views of posters and tapes of all the popular rentals of 1997 (with some expertly placed Full Moon promotions mixed in). 

It's America's 250th Birthday, and predictably, it's the junk food that won't let us forget it. (That is until they figure out how to make air conditioning "Freedom Scented".) Stars and Stripes adorn pretty much everything at the moment, and some modifications are more effective than others - case in point: Ore-Ida Star Tater Tots. Yes, they're just regular tater tots shaped like stars, and no, there's nothing "extra" about them -- at least not in the sense of flavor. But in terms of size and shape and overall impact, I don't see how we can ever go back to the regular cylinder-shaped tots ever again; these are full and robust and, if cooked correctly, crunchy all over. Like seriously, imagine a McDonald's Hash Brown condescend into a compact five-cornered form, and then multiply that into a generous pile of potato paradise. If this is how America tastes, we may be willing to overlook all those other pesky bygone blemishes. 

The Movie: C-

The Fries: A+

STATIC SHOTS

Orange Mango

TWO WEEKS

Gloria, how's it gonna go down?

Johnny was a schoolboy when he heard his first Beatles song



 

just like Ronnie sang, Ziggy played guitar



 

Tommy used to work on the docks, Brian got busted on a narco rap


Mikey had a facial scar, Sue goes out with other guys

 



Lola smiled & took me by the hand

 



Anthony works in a grocery store, little Joe never once gave it away


got the bill, and Rita paid it


my best friend died a lonely man


Sara loved me like no one has ever loved me before



 

Crazy Chester followed me and he caught me in the fog


Crazy Janey and her mission man were back in the alley tradin' hands


and Louie the King said "let me think for a minute, son."

 



Little Egypt came out a-struttin' wearin' nothin' but a button and a bow


I miss Jill and Joe and all my funky friends


tell Laura I love her


cause now it's Judy's turn to cry

 



and then along comes Mary


she's like a rainbow


she doesn't own a dress, her hair is always a mess


she ran callin' Wildfire


Shannon is gone, I hope she's drifting out to sea



 

she's not there

- P

THE TOP 100! ...again...?

Ok, it's been almost five years - time for me to reassess every movie I've ever seen and decide which ones I like the most, and then bravely share it to The Internet. 

Back in the 90s, this list would only exist on a physical piece of paper, and I'd only ever show it to anyone who'd ask to see it. People rarely did (mostly because I didn't really advertise it), but that just resulted in a wholly honest list; I wasn't trying to impress anyone with my choices, nor was I courting controversy with any supposed "provocative" titles. It was just the stuff I liked, and I think I can say with a confident pride that every iteration of this list has only ever been that - despite the sobering experiences of stuff like Film School and Social Media. But, as I point out whenever I make my opinions public, any "pushback" I've ever received regarding my taste has invariably forced me into thinking more critically about why I like the things I like -- thereby sharpening my defenses against potential haters, but also providing me the opportunity to only fall more deeply in love with some of these films. 

This current list is certainly no exception to any of these regulations or hesitations. Very little change has occurred since the last one, but there are definitely some inclusions that would appear "questionable" or even downright antagonistic to someone who doesn't know me or this site. To the rest of you beautiful and enlightened readers, this will be business as usual.

I'm not sure how much I learned from this revision, but it is becoming apparent that my Top 50 is becoming less malleable over the years. Sad that nothing new (from the present or the past) has swooped in and dramatically shuffled the deck, but also comforting to have a reliable lineup of movies that so specifically and accurately represent my individuality and belief in personal freedom. But beyond the dependable "comfort" of longtime favorites, there's always a handful of exciting obscurities that have a freshness that's more exciting than some stale dependables that I know well enough that I can just watch them in my head. One consistent criterion I keep for these lists is "What am I excited to watch right now?" Today, these check that box.

- Paul

Full list on Letterboxd

TRADING CARDS :: Fleer 1991 PRO-VISIONS Baseball

I couldn't help but notice that Trading Cards are popular again - like really popular - and I'm absolutely thrilled. Granted it's largely within the brackets of stuff I'm not interested in (Pokémon, Soccer), and while I'm only a little sad that I'm unable to enthusiastically participate, I remain pleased that the interest and camaraderie and community of collecting colorful ephemera is back in the culture.  For nostalgic reasons, sure, but I also just generally enjoy when the public gets behind something harmless and joyful, like a song or a movie or little rectangular pieces of paper with pretty pictures on them. 

My first real serious venture into card collecting was the Topps Batman series in 1989. By the time I amassed the entire set, Topps redirected me to the new Ninja Turtles Movie Cards in early 1990, which lost traction with me once they unleashed the Dick Tracy cards. In between and all around these were also sets for California Raisins, Beetlejuice, The Simpsons, Ghostbusters II, and a new series from the long running Wacky Packages. There was never gonna be enough time or money to acquire every single card from every single set, but that never stopped me from trying. Obviously the concept of moderation would remain entirely lost on me, because alongside the endless parade of non sports trading cards, I played hard and deep into the world of Major League Baseball Cards. 

Basketball may've been the most popular sport of the 1990s, but Baseball was a close second in the United States - if not tied. (The Sports Movies of that decade will corroborate this.) For me, Baseball was #1 - nothing else was even close: I liked playing it, I kinda liked watching it, and once I got the fever, I loved collecting it. And the most exciting thing about Sports Card collecting is that, while each athlete was restricted to their own singular card in the series, there were also many different card brands to consider: Topps, Donruss, Upper Deck, Leaf, Bowman, Score, and Fleer (just to name a few). So, you could go hard and try to collect an entire set of Upper Deck, or, if you had some favorite players or teams, you could play the field and try to get each of their cards across every brand during any given season. The latter was the most attractive approach to me because, while the ball player was predictably in a different pose on each brand's card, they were also presented in a variety of graphic environments; the colors and borders and texts were sorta the highlight of all card collecting for me, so the idea of procuring an entire rainbow's worth of Ken Griffey Jr. images was entirely irresistible. 

Having said that, there had been some really boring looking series over the years with nothing exciting in the way of making the cards really pop in terms of graphic design. Much of that blandness existed throughout the 80s, but once the 90s hit, everything seemed to get a bit more bold. But in 1991, Fleer managed to combine the stark coldness of the older designs and combine it with the loud garishness of the newer ones to create some of the most notoriously ugly Baseball Cards that I can remember. 

Some might call the Fleer '91 set "elegant" or "sophisticated", and in a year when Grey Poupon ads dominated our TVs and Reba McEntire scored a hit with her cover of "Fancy", that's probably exactly the look they were going for. But My God, that yellow - if nothing else it didn't really convey the vibe of ballparks and peanuts and Cracker Jacks, but instead gave the whole series a National Geographic flavor. Honestly a solid white border with text would've been more striking... and for their special subset of insert cards, they did even better than that.

For the sake of clarity, an "insert" is a special trading card (sometimes part of a smaller subset) randomly placed into packs -- sometimes you got one, sometimes you didn't, some were common, some were rare. For anyone who thought "the sticker" was the best part of any pack of cards, these are what you were looking for, but when you added odds to the experience, it felt like winning the lottery anytime you spotted that noticeably different design. And in 1991, Fleer put out 12 randomly inserted cards from a subset called Fleer Pro-Visions.

Swapping the black & yellow color palette was a good start, but the real dazzle was in these badass illustrations. With attractive artwork credited to T. Smith, the set showcased 12 of the biggest All Stars of the moment, depicting them in some fantastical way that's specifically unique to their respective talents. Regardless of whether or not you're able to appreciate this from afar, I'm here to confirm that this is how an 8 year old boy sees Baseball and Baseball players: as almost Science Fiction Fantasy, complete with superpowers and cartoon whimsy. 

I won't bore you with any subjective dissection of each portrait (Bo Jackson was my favorite player of the day, but Mike Greenwell in front of "The Green Monster" is undeniably the coolest card) so I'll just leave you these with the certainty that you'll enjoy them on as many levels as I do.

- Paul 

#1 Kirby Puckett "Dynamite"

#2 Will Clark "Making Contact"

#3 Ruben Sierra "Taming The West"

#4 Mark McGwire "All American"

#5 Bo Jackson "Bionic Bo"

#6 Jose Canseco "Power and Speed"

#7 Dwight Gooden "Flame Thrower"

#8 Mike Greenwell "Green Monster's Friend"

#9 Roger Clemens "Pitching Magic"

#10 Eric Davis "All Universe"

#11 Don Mattingly "Mr. Yankee"

#12 Darryl Strawberry "Nuclear Powered"

8 Lame Rap Songs from Movies and TV

As a rule, I try to stay away from compiling lists of stuff I don't like - it literally takes the fun out of the activity itself (and it's just bad for the soul). But, if we can find something that we can all hate on together, then it should create a nice sense of "community". Having said that, I'm banking on the prospect that all y'alls loathe these campy anthems as much as I. 

By the late 1980s there was obviously nothing new about the idea of the "Theme Song". From Dr. Zhivago to Love Story to Shaft to Footloose, a song that was literally about the subject matter could sometimes blend into that very subject matter - occasionally with a quiet dignity ("Moon River") or sometimes entirely absent of dignity ("Ghostbusters"). And then, at some point, I get the sense that Studio Executives in suits finally said, "The kids don't like Burt Bacharach anymore, they like The Rap Music!" I have no proof that this declaration was actually made but I can totally see something like this printed as a memo on Warner Bros. stationery. 

I'm not here today to talk about Do the Right Thing or Deep Cover or even Ghostbusters II (y'know it) but about the times when a rap song managed to minimize or even ruin the content, the reputations of the performers, and even the genre itself. 

Go ninja. 

- Paul

"City of Crime" Tom Hanks & Dan Aykroyd

Dragnet

It's weird that it didn't seem entirely dumb at the time -- that's possibly because the movie is equally dumb. Almost unbearably so. I love the 80s Tom Hanks Comedy Era but there were some major duds, and it's a miracle and a blessing that this movie got shackled with the rap song when it could have just as easily been The Money Pit or The 'Burbs. 

Sample lyrics:

It's a new sensation

We go down to the station

You're going to answer some questions

And have some refreshments

"Ace is in The House" Tone Lōc

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

One of those scenarios where it was like, "We already got Tone here, let's have him do a song." Technically this should've been a lot better, like maybe even a memorable hit, but to put it plainly: the song is just awful. Surprisingly, some (very sparse) interjections from Ace himself just makes the whole thing worse. Don't worry, ma'am, I'll find your pussy... CAT that is! There's no way Jim ad libbed that, it's beneath even this film. 

Sample lyrics:

If Ace is in the house, so must be Lōc

Blowin' up like a cloud of smoke

Checkin' all of his bitches at home

But I'm the dog with the biggest bone (woof)

"Maniac Cop Rap" Yeshwua Barnes & Brian B. Dub Wood

Maniac Cop 2

I was never a Maniac Cop fan. I find it equal parts dull and silly with a lotta squandered potential. Maniac Cop 2, on the other hand, utilizes that potential nearly to its fullest, making it as dark and mean as it should've been... And then we end with the rap song. To be fair (and probably perpetuating stereotypes) the "urban" landscape of the movie does lend itself to "street music" in the most pedantic way, but having the storybook version of a zombie policeman's antics sung to us does a disservice to both extremes. 

Sample lyrics:

He's homicidal and maladjusted

But when he busts in, your ass is busted

"Are You Ready For Freddy" The Fat Boys

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

I generally like all things Freddy, no matter how zany and far removed from the "child murderer" angle we get. I'm cool with the Dokken song, and I adore the Freddy's Greatest Hits album that has Robert England singing "Wooly Bully". I even like the Fresh Prince "Nightmare on My Street" song - because it has the right tone. Dream Master might be one of the more colorful entires, but this otherwise flawless soundtrack is marred by this tomfoolery that would feel even too dumb in Freddy's Dead. 

Sample lyric:

With a hat like a vagabond, standing like a flasher

It's Mr. Big Time, Freddy Krueger, dream crasher

"Ninja Rap" Vanilla Ice

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

I don't hate the song. I don't hate the lyrics. Hell, I don't really hate Vanilla Ice. I mostly just hate that it played such a precious part in the movie. This whole film teeters on the edge of obnoxiousness, and it's at this climactic moment that it slips and falls right in it, and then the Turtles would forever be synonymous with the incredibly brief era when we all fell for one Rob Van Winkle. (As if the Turtles weren't already dated enough on their own.)

Sample lyrics:

Rockin' the crowd the way it should be rocked

With the Miami drop that you like a lot

You know it's hittin' like a Ninja Turtle

When the bass kicks in you better check your level

"The Crypt Jam" The Crypt Keeper

Tales From the Crypt

It wasn't actually on the show, but it did appear on its soundtrack in 1992 - though I can't imagine why. Here's the thing: the accompanying music video is a wondrous spectacle of puppetry and lighting and booty dancers, all with the goriest scenes from the series cut in here and there. As a song, without visual aid, it's 3+ minutes of John Kassir's punny giggling set to a really irritating hook -- it feels like an hour. (There are actually remixes that stretch it out even longer.) Whenever this comes up on my Halloween playlist, I'm inclined to 'skip'. 

Sample lyrics:

The Crypt Keeper's in the house with a groove that's nasty and mean

Like the effects of a guillotine

"Conehead Love" Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtain, Nan Schaefer

Coneheads

Danny Aykroyd at it again, bustin' rhymes with another monotone in-character delivery. I think we've all finally arrived at the simple truth that this is a fine film, but I feel like it's stuff like this that might've had us on the fence for a few years (or decades). Despite having its own wildly over-the-top music video, I feel like the song was pushed to the bottom of the end credits as a way of saying "Listen to this or don't, it really isn't a part this movie." 

Sample lyrics:

I'll never understand this planet

The way these humans love to ram it

I much prefer the senso-rings

And all the timeless joy they bring

"Addams Family (Whoomp!)" Tag Team

Addams Family Values

At best, I can forgive the "Addams Groove" from the first film - MC Hammer was inescapable at the moment anyways, and besides, I think the whole thing was meant to be satirical (or it felt that way at least). But in this case? Unless it was included to literally poke fun at the first movie's use of a rap song, this is a travesty that, it my mind, scars the whole film; for me, they're (sadly) inseparable. If these movies absolutely needed to have an original song (they didn't) then I would've rolled the dice on maybe some Horror Punk band to assume the role. If they were going for irony, it definitely didn't land twice. 

Sample lyrics:

Whoomp! Family, whoa

Whoomp! Family, whoa

Whoomp! Family, whoa

The Addams Family

STATIC SHOTS

Summer vacation 2026

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XVII: "Watchers" and Jack's Pull-Apart Pizza Sticks Pepperoni

At some point in his career, it became a known fact that Roger Corman "demanded" that some form of violence or nudity should take place on every 15 pages of the script. When eventually asked about this, Roger laughed it off, admitting that it might have been the case on a few specific productions but that it's not his consistent work ethic. And of course, that's entirely obvious to anyone who's seen only just a handful of his films. 

Case in point: 1988's Watchers, an Action Adventure yarn about a boy and his dog on the run from bad guys and a big hairy monster. If that sounds fun and charming, that's because it really kinda is. Based off a Dean Koontz book, it rehashes that familiar midpoint between Short Circuit and Man's Best Friend, in which a kid (Corey Haim) befriends a stray dog with genetically modified intelligence, and Michael Ironside as the ruthless government guy trying to get the dog back. Oh and there's also some genetically modified ape beast also after the dog, and unlike the old black & white Corman creatures of yesteryear, the filmmakers were obviously just too damn embarrassed to ever really show it to us; at best, we get some glimpses of a murky combination of the goblins of Nilbog, the troll from Ernest Scared Stupid, and Fluffy from Creepshow. But it doesn't really matter, it's the carnage that the monster leaves in its path that's the real fx spectacle; beyond making the point that obviously not all Roger Corman movies were packed with Exploitation hallmarks, the gore in this film is sparse, but very notable. Real life Corey Haim girlfriend Lala plays his movie girlfriend, but she sits out most of the game, so instead we get Barbara Williams as Corey's cool mom / a female lead, resulting is what almost accidentally becomes a really sweet dysfunctional family fable. 

 

Keeping with the theme of "genetically modified", here's another specimen that does not occur naturally in the universe: Jack's Pull-Apart Pizza Sticks. Ideally, they're sorta long slender pizza rolls, all kinda fused together, allowing you to pull them apart. On paper it's all a very wonderful idea, but in reality something clearly went wrong. It's really hard to determine as to whether they were going for "crispy" or "doughy" with the outer crust, leaving us with something that more closely resembles "chalky". Ultimately that creates something that can be best described as a "rolled up Ellio's Pizza" - which really isn't a bad thing in any scenario... Still though, the thought of "cheese and sauce and pepperoni filled breadsticks" is something that someone's gotta perfect in the future. Somebody get Michael Ironside on this ASAP. 

The Movie: B+

The Pizza: C-

Special appearance by Renée Zellweger

SUMMER SNACKS!

I got my lunchbox and I'm armed real well.

The whistle's blown -- Breaktime! That means let's all pile into the break room, where the trash hasn't been emptied since February and the microwave still smells like tuna casserole. Such a soothing way to unwind.

I don't know about you but I haven't seen any miraculous new snacks out in the wild, nor have I heard of anything major on the horizon. My educated observation in regards to this apparent drought is that, in the true spirit of America, the name brands chose the path of laziness and just put red, white, and blue stuff all over their already existing flavors to commemorate the country's 250th birthday. Seriously - Mountain Dew has been rebranded as American Dew. (Frankly they should just go ahead and call it that from now on.) So, in lieu of a slew of new & improved Joker products, we're raiding the cabinets of the kitchenette and turning any lemons we find into a passable sugary citrus fruit drink. And then, it's back to work. 

- Paul

Albanese Firecracker Gummi Bears

Not all of the patriotic stuff is confined to fancy wrapping -- there's some stuff out there that's made to taste like honest-to-goodness freedom! (Results may vary.) The gimmick here is that these are supposed to taste like the flag-colored staple of all ice cream trucks: The Bomb Pop. Of course, that's its copyrighted origins, which Albanese dances around in their description: "Nostalgic flavor combination of Cherry, Lemon-Lime, & Blue Raspberry. This Firecracker Pop flavor is so bomb." Thanks, Albanese, for talking like someone's aunty.

I never went for Bomb Pops (also sometimes called Rocket Pops) because, despite their undeniable phallic beauty, it was a boring flavor experience. And these 'gummi bears' have captured it perfectly - from the disruptive sourness to the overall sense of feeling watered down. Variety is high on my list of gummy criteria, and this narrow assortment of blue and red bears had no differentiation between them beyond appearance - they were all equally dull. 

Capri Sun in Bottles(!)

There are some kid things that I feel kinda stupid doing as an adult: riding a bike, playing video games, anticipating the future with trust and optimism, and drinking out of juice boxes. Juice pouches to be more specific - an act I always found to be rife with flaws. Firstly, I can't see the beverage, and as a predominately visual person, I feel that hiding the actual drink is a disservice (the deliciously neon green Ecto Cooler was the biggest victim of this). Second, I find these hospital bags of fluid to be ergonomically unfriendly, leaving the only effective way to hold & sip is by pinching the side with your fingers like a ponce. And the third reason is entirely on me: I'm completely inept at inserting the straw in these things - I usually end up with a broken container, a broken straw, and wet pants. (Picture the impaling scene from the Bram Stoker's Dracula prologue, but with juice bags.)

So imagine my glee when I found these cute 12 oz. bottles of the famously pouched nectar of the 90s. Apparently they did something like this decades ago but I musta been busy because this feels revelatory. Nevertheless! I'd heard that the flavor was all wrong, that it was "different" from the punches. I figured I'd had so much distance from the source material that I wouldn't notice. What I did notice is that the plastic bottles seem to create a mild taste of... plastic. Oh Capri Sun, will you ever win?

Bubble Yum Lollipops

No wheels are being reinvented here: Charms cornered the market on a bubblegum center decades ago, and even that was just a spin on the Tootsie Pop. But c'mon, it's Bubble Yum! It's got the Alt Rock Duck on it and everything! Honestly I'm not even a fan of lollipops or Blow Pops or anything, I kinda just liked having this bag around. 

But since I had them, I tried them. And I have notes. The pops came in four decidedly early 90s flavors: Green Apple, Strawberry, Watermelon, and Cotton Candy. No complaints there, but the tiny morsel of gum at its core (smaller than Blow Pops' I'm sure) is plainly "Bubblegum Flavor". This, I feel, is a missed opportunity to fuck shit up in all the best ways. Why not "Cotton Candy Flavor" in the Cotton Candy pop? Or, do flavor mixes: "Raspberry Gum" in the Watermelon pop, "Orange Gum" in the Strawberry pop. Or, do the "Mystery" thing: Guess the Flavor! Does none of this seem like an obvious course of action, or am I the only Millennial left alive? 

Canada Dry Strawberry Fruit Splash Ginger Ale

I became enamored with the Cherry Fruit Splash flavor during my hedonistic Cherry Orgy a while back. But the whole point of that debauchery was to illustrate how well the cherry marries to the cola. And I have to say that my experiences with carbonated strawberry drinks (along with several other fruits) can often be confrontational; unlike the casual company of Cherry, when something's labeled Strawberry, they want you to goddamn know it! 

But alas, Canada Dry has figured it out yet again, managing to keep the fruit at a safe enough distance so you don't feel like you're being pestered. What they got right is they still include that vague Ginger Ale spice, preventing it from becoming an all out Strawberry assault. (The fact that they held back on the Red Dye was a reassuring indicator.) Actually, I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Zero Sugar version is actually an even better balance of ingredients. (Part of that is because I don't really like full flavor Ginger Ale, it reminds me of being nauseous.)

Heinz Ketchup in Glass Bottles(!!!)

I mean yeah, if we're rummaging through the break room, obviously a full ketchup bottle is a major find. But all roleplaying aside, this is Huge! Like Major Hooters HUGE! Many, many years ago I suddenly had the urge to start purchasing ketchup in the old fashioned glass bottles - for nostalgic reasons, for art, for science, and also because they're awesome. And that's when I learned: Heinz Ketchup in glass bottles were no longer available in mainstream grocery outlets. I was in the middle of the age of plastic squeeze and I didn't even know it. I'd heard over the years about online retailers or smaller markets selling them at outrageous prices. Many times I even came close to getting an empty one off eBay and filling it from the newer squirt bottles, but I guess I just became less adventurous over the years. 

But sometimes, adventure finds us - maybe as we're casually walking through Walmart, in search of sweatpants and clearanced April O'Neal figures, and we happen upon a full endcap of symmetrically faced ketchup bottles that would've made Andy Warhol horny. I've not done any extra reading on this promotion or have an idea as to how long it'll last or even if it is a promotion, but I know I'm alive, and to prove it, I'm living in the moment.