HALLOWEEN SNACKS!

Scurry home, children, it's time to feed.

As the parent of a very picky eater, I can look forward to a bounty of free trick-or-treat leftovers at the end of October (except for the Tootise Roll Midgees - no one wants that shit). Also as a grownup, I can just go out and buy candy at any point during any time of the year - but it's only during this time that one can find some of this weirder stuff that celebrates evil and rotting and death. Join me as I get fatter and happier. 

- Paul

Oreo Ghosts

I start with these because I was most excited for them. First of all, the name is pleasantly simple and lyrically stimulating: Oreo Ghosts. Secondly, I love Oreos, but I love ghosts even more; in the catalog of "Halloween things" that would include stuff like cats and pumpkins and spiders and witches, ghosts are my #1. These two enterprises together are a can't-miss -- and yet, they still didn't hit the spot. The description reads, "Dark Chocolaty Shell Filled With Oreo Cookie Pieces and Crème Flavored Filling" (the accent mark is stupid fancy), and so I was looking forward to a bit of crunch or crisp or some kind of textural resistance when I bit down, but these little guys are all cream (or crème) and no cookie. And they are little - if not for the hassle of being individually wrapped I'd suggest throwing a handful into some ice cream, or using them for some kinda baking venture.

Nerds Candy Corn

From a distance it's tough to determine if this was a holiday candy, but apart from the obvious Candy Corn connection, the little illustrated Nerds on the package are dressed as witches and vampires and bats. Adorable! But what really makes this a spooky snack is how strange it is. They 100% have the consistency of regular candy corn, but they're blessed with unmistakable Nerd flavors - and there are many here. Like, literally too many to list; there are six different colored pieces, and each color is a cross pollination of anywhere between 2 and 5 fruits (with the actual "Fruit Punch" flavor carrying and indeterminate numeral). If you truly wish to defy God, eat 2 or 3 different ones at once for a entirely unnatural mosaic of tastes. Wonka may not own Nerds anymore, but this madness feels like his doing.

KitKat Breaking Bones

Immediately after ghosts, skeletons are my second favorite, so I'm easily lured into traps such as these. Apparently (actually, quite evidently, as it shows right on the bag) there's nothing especially skeletal or bone-like about these KitKats. They're white, specifically because they're coated in "Vanilla Flavored Creme" (no accent) but they're still just rectangular cookie wafers. I'm assuming the "Breaking Bones" gimmick applies because you can break them apart... My brother in Christ, that's just a KitKat; there's no real novelty here. I do love the little wrappers they come in (because top hats actually make skeletons better) but I wish the candies themselves had little bone illustrations carved into the coating. I don't think that's a big ask.

Fanta Ghost Face Punch

Did I ever tell you I was "Ghostface" for Halloween at least a year before Scream came out? It was just a cool mask that I'd seen in stores and thought it would look good with a black cloak and hood. I mention this to point out that the image is, for lack of a better word, "generic" - which is the current theme of the usually-licensed Fanta Halloween drinks. This year they've employed a vampire, a werewolf, a scarecrow, and "Ghost Face" (because when it's two words, it's technically not the Scream villain), who's the star of its own new flavor, Ghost Face Punch. It's credited as a "Berry Punch" which is only ever code for "artificial fruit flavor". Frankly I'd been avoiding it all season because everything about it said "Grape" to me, but it really is just a carbonated fruit punch, and it's extremely pleasant. 

Haribo Crazy Skeletons

Bro. Gummy skeletons? It's probably not a new concept but it's new to me. I love that the Haribo bear (formally named Goldbear) is partying with a skeleton who's wearing less than he is. And I love the aesthetic marriage of "Crazy" in rainbow colors and "Skeletons" made of stark, rigid bones. But sadly, I am no fan of sour candy; these are billed as "1 side sweet, 1 side sour" so I thought the blow would be a bit softer, but I think they just went harder to compensate for the compromise. Also, the thing about Haribo: they're damn hard to chew, and gnawing on a full length sour skeleton from head to toe can get pretty arduous. But as the townsfolk say, "This is Halloween."

Witch's Brew White Hot Chocolate

I'm sure I've abridged whatever the real title of this sorcery is, but it's better just to explain: inside the box there's an otherwise hollow ball of white chocolate, and inside the ball is green-colored hot chocolate powder with mini orange and black M&Ms mixed in. Put the ball in a mug, heat up some milk, pour the hot milk into the mug, the ball and its contents melt into a fusion of frothy green goodness. White Hot Chocolate as a subgenre has always been a favorite of mine, though like with all Hot Chocolate stuff I usually associate it with Christmastime. This version's just weird enough that it didn't seem to put me in a Santa state of mind. 

Cheetos The Flavor of Fear

Mmmm, Blumhouse **drools** Tastes like M3GAN...? I don't know know how exactly these tie into Blumhouse Studios or if they're specifically affiliated with one of their productions - that would've taken me a few minutes of research and I really don't have the time. I also didn't do any digging in regards to what other people think these taste like, but I can attest that they do have a very familiar flavor; they're sweet, but not like barbecue sauce sweet, more like sugary sweet. I thought maybe Cinnamon Toast Crunch but it might be even more on-the-nose than that. Frankly it's a distracting endeavor, because they're also hot! I like big heat and I have a good tolerance for it, and I can say these deliver the fire - enough to lose focus on what I'm trying to compare them to. In summary, it's a fun experience (unlike most Insidious sequels). Come do think of it, these probably do taste like M3GAN.

STATIC SHOTS

The Wolf Man (1941)

I SAW IT ON TAPE - Psycho

How often do you get to go into a movie without knowing anything about it? I feel like that formula is even tougher to come by nowadays since magazines and television have cross-pollinated into an ever-present handheld device. But it was especially hard for someone like me growing up and being "into movies" and trying to learn as much about the medium while dodging as many spoilers as possible. And yet, somehow, I managed to get out of the way of a decades-old plot twist until it was finally revealed to me on videocassette. 

I was 11 years old when my parents said, "You know what you need to see...?" Obviously it wasn't going to be entirely fresh; no one lives that long without hearing the name "Norman Bates" or seeing isolated clips of The Shower Scene or hearing constant appropriations of the Bernard Herrmann strings. Heck, High Anxiety was a favorite of mine long before I sat down to watch Psycho, but even then the parody wasn't lost on me because everybody knows that scene. But it was exciting for me to finally put it all into its larger (though still very simple) context.

At this point I don't think anyone has a unique take on The Shower Scene, but I can still remember seeing it with virgin eyes, and I can recall my reaction almost physically. It was during those brief final frames of the culprit leaving the bathroom that made me exclaim out loud, "Ohh! It was the mother!" Can you imagine the immense (but restrained) joy and excitement my parents must've felt in that moment when I said that? So rarely do we get to show a new movie to someone and watch them be so genuinely and utterly engrossed, and also deceived! I doubt even Hitchcock was that delighted when he showed it to audiences (though it's hard to picture Hitch "delighted" in general). Needless to say the film's climax was a legitimate surprise to me (though it provided some previously absent validity to Robin's "Norman Bates" joke in Mrs. Doubtfire), and while I've been somewhat explicit in this story, I tried my best to not fully disclose every detail of the movie, because it's never too late to still be surprised by something.

- Paul

Bennett Media's ORGY OF THE FREAKS

SEE! The hideous creature chained to the wall, yet bound by no moral law!

SEE! The slimy worm as long as a locomotive, burrowing beneath your bed!

SEE! Civilization crumble and perish under the death rays of invaders from another world!

SEE! An obedient housewife grow fangs and feast on the blood of her unsuspecting bridge club!

SEE! Bennett Media's ORGY OF THE FREAKS, an absolutely ghoulish season of mad doctors, monsters, mummies, and many more traditional frights from a classic period of Horror! Cobwebs and cats! Vampires and bats! You're sure to shriek with TERROR at this spine-tingling Web Event that only the Social Media Age could produce! So GHASTLY that you may want to keep scrolling, and hope that this algorithm doesn't show up at your front door!

Join us for a cautiously joyous bash to bring us all the way into Halloween...

if you dare...

 

 

NAME THAT MOVIE!

You can probably count this as our last post of the Summer - mostly because the culture has predictably commenced countdown on Halloween. So check back soon, and watch as we fold under the pressure and kick off our Fall theme - it should be a spooky good time.

But first, this business. Making it so that everyone can answer all at once seems to be the way to go. Sean and Dan came up to bat with big swings while ORC and Sara casually caught the foul balls with ease. And then Tony drove in another run with an inside-the-park home run. (Not sure why we've plunged into baseball analogies.) We'll try not to make you wait until after the holiday for the next one - maybe we'll post a scary movie round (even though those usually sink like a stone). If not, guess you'll just be stuck reading meandering paragraphs about blood, breasts, and beasts till November. In the meantime, take what you can, give nothing back. 

EASY

FAIR

DIFFICULT

GROOVE APPROVED