8 Lame Rap Songs from Movies and TV

As a rule, I try to stay away from compiling lists of stuff I don't like - it literally takes the fun out of the activity itself (and it's just bad for the soul). But, if we can find something that we can all hate on together, then it should create a nice sense of "community". Having said that, I'm banking on the prospect that all y'alls loathe these campy anthems as much as I. 

By the late 1980s there was obviously nothing new about the idea of the "Theme Song". From Dr. Zhivago to Love Story to Shaft to Footloose, a song that was literally about the subject matter could sometimes blend into that very subject matter - occasionally with a quiet dignity ("Moon River") or sometimes entirely absent of dignity ("Ghostbusters"). And then, at some point, I get the sense that Studio Executives in suits finally said, "The kids don't like Burt Bacharach anymore, they like The Rap Music!" I have no proof that this declaration was actually made but I can totally see something like this printed as a memo on Warner Bros. stationery. 

I'm not here today to talk about Do the Right Thing or Deep Cover or even Ghostbusters II (y'know it) but about the times when a rap song managed to minimize or even ruin the content, the reputations of the performers, and even the genre itself. 

Go ninja. 

- Paul

"City of Crime" Tom Hanks & Dan Aykroyd

Dragnet

It's weird that it didn't seem entirely dumb at the time -- that's possibly because the movie is equally dumb. Almost unbearably so. I love the 80s Tom Hanks Comedy Era but there were some major duds, and it's a miracle and a blessing that this movie got shackled with the rap song when it could have just as easily been The Money Pit or The 'Burbs. 

Sample lyrics:

It's a new sensation

We go down to the station

You're going to answer some questions

And have some refreshments

"Ace is in The House" Tone Lōc

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

One of those scenarios where it was like, "We already got Tone here, let's have him do a song." Technically this should've been a lot better, like maybe even a memorable hit, but to put it plainly: the song is just awful. Surprisingly, some (very sparse) interjections from Ace himself just makes the whole thing worse. Don't worry, ma'am, I'll find your pussy... CAT that is! There's no way Jim ad libbed that, it's beneath even this film. 

Sample lyrics:

If Ace is in the house, so must be Lōc

Blowin' up like a cloud of smoke

Checkin' all of his bitches at home

But I'm the dog with the biggest bone (woof)

"Maniac Cop Rap" Yeshwua Barnes & Brian B. Dub Wood

Maniac Cop 2

I was never a Maniac Cop fan. I find it equal parts dull and silly with a lotta squandered potential. Maniac Cop 2, on the other hand, utilizes that potential nearly to its fullest, making it as dark and mean as it should've been... And then we end with the rap song. To be fair (and probably perpetuating stereotypes) the "urban" landscape of the movie does lend itself to "street music" in the most pedantic way, but having the storybook version of a zombie policeman's antics sung to us does a disservice to both extremes. 

Sample lyrics:

He's homicidal and maladjusted

But when he busts in, your ass is busted

"Are You Ready For Freddy" The Fat Boys

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

I generally like all things Freddy, no matter how zany and far removed from the "child murderer" angle we get. I'm cool with the Dokken song, and I adore the Freddy's Greatest Hits album that has Robert England singing "Wooly Bully". I even like the Fresh Prince "Nightmare on My Street" song - because it has the right tone. Dream Master might be one of the more colorful entires, but this otherwise flawless soundtrack is marred by this tomfoolery that would feel even too dumb in Freddy's Dead. 

Sample lyric:

With a hat like a vagabond, standing like a flasher

It's Mr. Big Time, Freddy Krueger, dream crasher

"Ninja Rap" Vanilla Ice

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

I don't hate the song. I don't hate the lyrics. Hell, I don't really hate Vanilla Ice. I mostly just hate that it played such a precious part in the movie. This whole film teeters on the edge of obnoxiousness, and it's at this climactic moment that it slips and falls right in it, and then the Turtles would forever be synonymous with the incredibly brief era when we all fell for one Rob Van Winkle. (As if the Turtles weren't already dated enough on their own.)

Sample lyrics:

Rockin' the crowd the way it should be rocked

With the Miami drop that you like a lot

You know it's hittin' like a Ninja Turtle

When the bass kicks in you better check your level

"The Crypt Jam" The Crypt Keeper

Tales From the Crypt

It wasn't actually on the show, but it did appear on its soundtrack in 1992 - though I can't imagine why. Here's the thing: the accompanying music video is a wondrous spectacle of puppetry and lighting and booty dancers, all with the goriest scenes from the series cut in here and there. As a song, without visual aid, it's 3+ minutes of John Kassir's punny giggling set to a really irritating hook -- it feels like an hour. (There are actually remixes that stretch it out even longer.) Whenever this comes up on my Halloween playlist, I'm inclined to 'skip'. 

Sample lyrics:

The Crypt Keeper's in the house with a groove that's nasty and mean

Like the effects of a guillotine

"Conehead Love" Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtain, Nan Schaefer

Coneheads

Danny Aykroyd at it again, bustin' rhymes with another monotone in-character delivery. I think we've all finally arrived at the simple truth that this is a fine film, but I feel like it's stuff like this that might've had us on the fence for a few years (or decades). Despite having its own wildly over-the-top music video, I feel like the song was pushed to the bottom of the end credits as a way of saying "Listen to this or don't, it really isn't a part this movie." 

Sample lyrics:

I'll never understand this planet

The way these humans love to ram it

I much prefer the senso-rings

And all the timeless joy they bring

"Addams Family (Whoomp!)" Tag Team

Addams Family Values

At best, I can forgive the "Addams Groove" from the first film - MC Hammer was inescapable at the moment anyways, and besides, I think the whole thing was meant to be satirical (or it felt that way at least). But in this case? Unless it was included to literally poke fun at the first movie's use of a rap song, this is a travesty that, it my mind, scars the whole film; for me, they're (sadly) inseparable. If these movies absolutely needed to have an original song (they didn't) then I would've rolled the dice on maybe some Horror Punk band to assume the role. If they were going for irony, it definitely didn't land twice. 

Sample lyrics:

Whoomp! Family, whoa

Whoomp! Family, whoa

Whoomp! Family, whoa

The Addams Family

STATIC SHOTS

Summer vacation 2026

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XVII: "Watchers" and Jack's Pull-Apart Pizza Sticks Pepperoni

At some point in his career, it became a known fact that Roger Corman "demanded" that some form of violence or nudity should take place on every 15 pages of the script. When eventually asked about this, Roger laughed it off, admitting that it might have been the case on a few specific productions but that it's not his consistent work ethic. And of course, that's entirely obvious to anyone who's seen only just a handful of his films. 

Case in point: 1988's Watchers, an Action Adventure yarn about a boy and his dog on the run from bad guys and a big hairy monster. If that sounds fun and charming, that's because it really kinda is. Based off a Dean Koontz book, it rehashes that familiar midpoint between Short Circuit and Man's Best Friend, in which a kid (Corey Haim) befriends a stray dog with genetically modified intelligence, and Michael Ironside as the ruthless government guy trying to get the dog back. Oh and there's also some genetically modified ape beast also after the dog, and unlike the old black & white Corman creatures of yesteryear, the filmmakers were obviously just too damn embarrassed to ever really show it to us; at best, we get some glimpses of a murky combination of the goblins of Nilbog, the troll from Ernest Scared Stupid, and Fluffy from Creepshow. But it doesn't really matter, it's the carnage that the monster leaves in its path that's the real fx spectacle; beyond making the point that obviously not all Roger Corman movies were packed with Exploitation hallmarks, the gore in this film is sparse, but very notable. Real life Corey Haim girlfriend Lala plays his movie girlfriend, but she sits out most of the game, so instead we get Barbara Williams as Corey's cool mom / a female lead, resulting is what almost accidentally becomes a really sweet dysfunctional family fable. 

 

Keeping with the theme of "genetically modified", here's another specimen that does not occur naturally in the universe: Jack's Pull-Apart Pizza Sticks. Ideally, they're sorta long slender pizza rolls, all kinda fused together, allowing you to pull them apart. On paper it's all a very wonderful idea, but in reality something clearly went wrong. It's really hard to determine as to whether they were going for "crispy" or "doughy" with the outer crust, leaving us with something that more closely resembles "chalky". Ultimately that creates something that can be best described as a "rolled up Ellio's Pizza" - which really isn't a bad thing in any scenario... Still though, the thought of "cheese and sauce and pepperoni filled breadsticks" is something that someone's gotta perfect in the future. Somebody get Michael Ironside on this ASAP. 

The Movie: B+

The Pizza: C-

Special appearance by Renée Zellweger

SUMMER SNACKS!

I got my lunchbox and I'm armed real well.

The whistle's blown -- Breaktime! That means let's all pile into the break room, where the trash hasn't been emptied since February and the microwave still smells like tuna casserole. Such a soothing way to unwind.

I don't know about you but I haven't seen any miraculous new snacks out in the wild, nor have I heard of anything major on the horizon. My educated observation in regards to this apparent drought is that, in the true spirit of America, the name brands chose the path of laziness and just put red, white, and blue stuff all over their already existing flavors to commemorate the country's 250th birthday. Seriously - Mountain Dew has been rebranded as American Dew. (Frankly they should just go ahead and call it that from now on.) So, in lieu of a slew of new & improved Joker products, we're raiding the cabinets of the kitchenette and turning any lemons we find into a passable sugary citrus fruit drink. And then, it's back to work. 

- Paul

Albanese Firecracker Gummi Bears

Not all of the patriotic stuff is confined to fancy wrapping -- there's some stuff out there that's made to taste like honest-to-goodness freedom! (Results may vary.) The gimmick here is that these are supposed to taste like the flag-colored staple of all ice cream trucks: The Bomb Pop. Of course, that's its copyrighted origins, which Albanese dances around in their description: "Nostalgic flavor combination of Cherry, Lemon-Lime, & Blue Raspberry. This Firecracker Pop flavor is so bomb." Thanks, Albanese, for talking like someone's aunty.

I never went for Bomb Pops (also sometimes called Rocket Pops) because, despite their undeniable phallic beauty, it was a boring flavor experience. And these 'gummi bears' have captured it perfectly - from the disruptive sourness to the overall sense of feeling watered down. Variety is high on my list of gummy criteria, and this narrow assortment of blue and red bears had no differentiation between them beyond appearance - they were all equally dull. 

Capri Sun in Bottles(!)

There are some kid things that I feel kinda stupid doing as an adult: riding a bike, playing video games, anticipating the future with trust and optimism, and drinking out of juice boxes. Juice pouches to be more specific - an act I always found to be rife with flaws. Firstly, I can't see the beverage, and as a predominately visual person, I feel that hiding the actual drink is a disservice (the deliciously neon green Ecto Cooler was the biggest victim of this). Second, I find these hospital bags of fluid to be ergonomically unfriendly, leaving the only effective way to hold & sip is by pinching the side with your fingers like a ponce. And the third reason is entirely on me: I'm completely inept at inserting the straw in these things - I usually end up with a broken container, a broken straw, and wet pants. (Picture the impaling scene from the Bram Stoker's Dracula prologue, but with juice bags.)

So imagine my glee when I found these cute 12 oz. bottles of the famously pouched nectar of the 90s. Apparently they did something like this decades ago but I musta been busy because this feels revelatory. Nevertheless! I'd heard that the flavor was all wrong, that it was "different" from the punches. I figured I'd had so much distance from the source material that I wouldn't notice. What I did notice is that the plastic bottles seem to create a mild taste of... plastic. Oh Capri Sun, will you ever win?

Bubble Yum Lollipops

No wheels are being reinvented here: Charms cornered the market on a bubblegum center decades ago, and even that was just a spin on the Tootsie Pop. But c'mon, it's Bubble Yum! It's got the Alt Rock Duck on it and everything! Honestly I'm not even a fan of lollipops or Blow Pops or anything, I kinda just liked having this bag around. 

But since I had them, I tried them. And I have notes. The pops came in four decidedly early 90s flavors: Green Apple, Strawberry, Watermelon, and Cotton Candy. No complaints there, but the tiny morsel of gum at its core (smaller than Blow Pops' I'm sure) is plainly "Bubblegum Flavor". This, I feel, is a missed opportunity to fuck shit up in all the best ways. Why not "Cotton Candy Flavor" in the Cotton Candy pop? Or, do flavor mixes: "Raspberry Gum" in the Watermelon pop, "Orange Gum" in the Strawberry pop. Or, do the "Mystery" thing: Guess the Flavor! Does none of this seem like an obvious course of action, or am I the only Millennial left alive? 

Canada Dry Strawberry Fruit Splash Ginger Ale

I became enamored with the Cherry Fruit Splash flavor during my hedonistic Cherry Orgy a while back. But the whole point of that debauchery was to illustrate how well the cherry marries to the cola. And I have to say that my experiences with carbonated strawberry drinks (along with several other fruits) can often be confrontational; unlike the casual company of Cherry, when something's labeled Strawberry, they want you to goddamn know it! 

But alas, Canada Dry has figured it out yet again, managing to keep the fruit at a safe enough distance so you don't feel like you're being pestered. What they got right is they still include that vague Ginger Ale spice, preventing it from becoming an all out Strawberry assault. (The fact that they held back on the Red Dye was a reassuring indicator.) Actually, I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Zero Sugar version is actually an even better balance of ingredients. (Part of that is because I don't really like full flavor Ginger Ale, it reminds me of being nauseous.)

Heinz Ketchup in Glass Bottles(!!!)

I mean yeah, if we're rummaging through the break room, obviously a full ketchup bottle is a major find. But all roleplaying aside, this is Huge! Like Major Hooters HUGE! Many, many years ago I suddenly had the urge to start purchasing ketchup in the old fashioned glass bottles - for nostalgic reasons, for art, for science, and also because they're awesome. And that's when I learned: Heinz Ketchup in glass bottles were no longer available in mainstream grocery outlets. I was in the middle of the age of plastic squeeze and I didn't even know it. I'd heard over the years about online retailers or smaller markets selling them at outrageous prices. Many times I even came close to getting an empty one off eBay and filling it from the newer squirt bottles, but I guess I just became less adventurous over the years. 

But sometimes, adventure finds us - maybe as we're casually walking through Walmart, in search of sweatpants and clearanced April O'Neal figures, and we happen upon a full endcap of symmetrically faced ketchup bottles that would've made Andy Warhol horny. I've not done any extra reading on this promotion or have an idea as to how long it'll last or even if it is a promotion, but I know I'm alive, and to prove it, I'm living in the moment. 

Summer Starter Pack 2026

 

It might be brash to make any big (or even medium sized) plans for the season, given our time-consuming, spirit-crushing employment status. But if we do get a chance to come up for air, we don't wanna waste a second on trying to decide what to do -- when leisure strikes, you gotta be ready (which is why the Starter Pack exists in the first place).

For the newbies, let's do the damn preamble: at the beginning of each Summer we compile a list of stuff we wanna do/eat/experience over the course of the next couple months. Some are big commitments, some might kill an afternoon. Some might be forgettable endeavors, some might forever define The Summer of '26 in our memory. Ultimately the reason we share it with you is that we hope you'll join in - either with the same activities or with your own agenda. Whatever you choose to do, just remember: if it takes longer than 15 minutes it counts as a break, so be sure to punch out. 

- Paul

The Sensual World of Black Emanuelle

This year's Starter Pack is all about "chill", though this could be a little more on the stimulating side. Back in 2023 Severin released a 24 film box set of the "Black Emanuelle" sub-sub-subgenre of movies, and I've just been sleeping on it, keeping it warm, waiting for it to hatch. If I was to embark on a two dozen Eurosex movie marathon, the circumstances had to be just right. 

I'd always been aware of a Black Emanuelle "spinoff" (bold quotation marks) but I had no idea of the expanse of this very specific franchise, as well as the talents involved; Joe D'Amato is behind the camera much of the time, and the set also comes with some soundtrack compilation CDs, featuring my boy Nico Zombie Holocaust Fidenco(!). It will no doubt be a strange, erotic journey. 

And then, all at once, there's Maude!

Most Summers we try to pick some old show (either contained in a flimsy box of discs or streaming somewhere for some finite amount of time) and try to stick to it -- binge it over the course of the season. Sometimes that works, sometimes that falls apart after one or two episodes - usually due entirely to an oversaturated market of content. But these? These leave us nowhere else to go...

Found at a sorta indoor flea market / consignment warehouse, mixed in with all the usual One True Things and Air Force Ones was a taped-offa-TV VHS of episodes of the 1970s sitcom Maude. After some more digging there was another. Then another. Clearly these were all meticulously recorded by some mega Maude fan, and since I can't imagine anyone with this much dedication just selling these cassettes off to strangers, I can only fear the worst. I only bought them in the hopes of seeing some old commercials, but now I have a quest to carry on this anonymous person's fandom (at least for the duration of my down time this Summer). 

Cinema Sewer

If I've never made it obvious, I'll plainly state that I've never been huge into comic books. I used to collect them for the art and the ads contained within, but the writing and the stories didn't interest me. But when you add the modifier of "Underground" to "Comic Books" then you might have something. Case in point: Robin Bougie's Cinema Sewer, "The Only Guide to History's Sickest and Sexiest Movies".

Published from 1997 to 2021, the comics were nearly entirely Film Theory and Film Criticism, with topics ranging from "The Best of Cannon Films", to a retrospective on Lisa De Leeuw, to a rundown of "Best Parking Garage Scenes", to the merits of Fart Porn. It's filthy, it's funny, it's sincere, and it's completely compatible to Bennett Media's interests and standards. FAB Press has compiled the best bits of every issue and consolidated them into 8 dense volumes of grimy musings and dirty drawings; I'm currently somewhere in the midst of Volume 3, and given the weight of every single page, it definitely qualifies as a voyage. 

Relaxo Music

Work can be stressful. So can cars, bills, health, relationships, identity theft, the gathering darkness, etc. Point is, it doesn't all stop for sunny weather, and a lotta the time we may be too tired, or too bitchy, or even too frightened to rock 'n roll all night -- most of the time it's important for us to keep calm, so that we may indeed carry on. One way to do that would be to have no auditory distractions at all, but that goes against our celebratory instincts (and also could come across as ominous). No, we need something cheerful, soothing, optimistic, comforting, and maybe even a little flirty. Luckily, Smooth Electronic Jazz from the 1990s checks all of these boxes. 

Most years we'll commit to an album or band or even a genre to be the soundtrack of That Summer, and most years we stray from that commitment. Not This Year. Honestly I turn to this music often, particularly when I need a gentle reminder that everything will be alright if I allow it to be. I've dug around for years trying to amass my own curated collection of this very specific vibe, and for those of you wanting to play along, go out and obtain (or at least sample) the works of Davol, Trammell Starks, and especially Fowler & Branca. I'm pretty sure all of them contributed to the sounds of The Weather Channel (if that gives you some frame of reference) but these moody melodies inspire a lot of imagery: a desert road trip, a short lived sitcom, a romantic daydream, a quiet neighborhood, a childhood memory -- just an abstract nostalgia for idealized visions of life. It's addictive. 

Bennett Media's SUMMER JOB

You want a piece of my heart?

You better start from the start

You wanna be in the show?

Come on baby, let's go!

Hey, guess what? Grades are up and it looks like you passed! That means no Summer School for you... But don't think for a second that you're just gonna lie around here for the next three months, playing Battletoads and watching One Life to Live. You are gonna get out there and earn your keep, because these videotapes and Doritos aren't gonna pay for themselves!

Settle in, slackers, because we're gettin' up at the buttcrack of dawn for Bennett Media's SUMMER JOB - an entire season of slingin' hash and earnin' cash to pay for all this rad shit. And if you think that sounds like a boring theme for the best part of the year, that's because it is. Seriously, we're swamped with various chores, tasks, undertakings, responsibilities, and (don't laugh) duties. (Okay, you can laugh.) All that means is we can't fully commit to a proper motif here on the site, and could also mean a more scattered output. But just because we're a slave to the grind doesn't mean we won't be sweatin' to the oldies every chance we get. I mean we gotta be in bed by 9, but we'll be sure to take extra special advantage of every I-don't-have-to-run-day we get.

 

 

Spring dies

Spring dies with blue skies

Break free from your arousal

Birds and bees and lions and lambs

Not everything turned out

Arbitrary standards for what is and isn't important

Spring remembers Winter and dances forward

It's ok to let go when it hurts to hold on

To hold the light through every season

To hold a candle for what could've been

The glow hides but never fades

It's bright beneath the rain clouds

Forsythia lines the path into the dark green furnace

There's nothing waiting in there except for whatever comes next

Alone

Misery loves company but she has no luck with love

Kinship is kismet only if you believe it

The yellow bells turn to leaves and the light is consumed by shade

Summer thrives when Spring dies

- P

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part VIII: "Doctor Mordrid" and Ore-Ida Zesty Twirls

Charles Band's father, Albert Band, had an equally long and colorful career producing cheap genre movies, starting with Spaghetti Westerns and Hercules movies in the 50s and 60s, and eventually (and inevitably) producing pictures for Empire (Troll, TerrorVision) and then Full Moon (Remote, Castle Freak). He even managed to lend a hand on Honey I Blew Up the Kid (which was either a cause or effect of Stuart Gordon's involvement in the franchise). And, like his son Charles, he sometimes directed a feature. 

Doctor Mordrid (1992) was codirected by the father and son team of Albert and Charlie. Like just about every Full Moon Feature, it's "based on an idea by Charles Band", but it's been long believed (and contended) that it began its life as a direct screen adaptation of Marvel's Doctor Strange, but then underwent some "modifications" when the publishing rights expired. At any rate, what little we at Bennett Media know about Doctor Strange (psychic guy wears a cape over his Banana Republic threads) made it seem like there was some truth to that. Right off the bat, it feels like good casting: Jeffery Combs as an eccentric scientist/philosopher/historian/clairvoyant who communes with some interdimensional celestial god to get his work itinerary. But then gradually throughout the otherwise very confusing movie, a sorta romance begins to blossom between the Doctor and his neighbor Samantha (Yvette Nipar); we adore Jeffrey, but watching him balance flirtatious and mysterious without the armor of irony is actually really uncomfortable. Brian Thompson, on the other hand, is a reliably menacing and showy bad guy and maybe the best part of this whole Highlander/He-Man/Buffy mashup. The climax employs a good amount of stop motion animation that more firmly secures it into the Full Moon aesthetic. 

Why yes, these are Zesty Twirls -- not to be confused with Crispy Twirls, Golden Twirls, Zesty Curly, Bold & Crispy Zesty Twirls, or Bold & Crispy Zesty Seasoned Curly Fries: all courtesy of Ore-Ida. We're not sure if this is just a rebranding journey or if all these options are happening at the same time, but we do feel validated by the reiteration that "curly fries" have an incorrigible personality: three or four really long, voluptuous, tightly curled fries, and then a pile of burnt toenail clippings. Yum. And though that may sound like a complaint, there is a sorta mild entertainment in navigating your potato pile for the best ones / playing with your food. We can't really nail down what constitutes "zest" though - synonyms of "bold" and "seasoned" no doubt, but whatever modifier they use, it almost always guarantees an absence of blandness. Not as good as the Arby's ones, but good. 

The Movie: C

The Fries: B+

NAME THAT MOVIE!

Welcome back to the only game in town where the contestants don't plow into each other with dogmatic gatekeeping and political discourse. Seriously, it's no fun logging onto the Net anymore, so we value your patronage despite the hassle of a long commute. 

Last round turned into a real shindig with everyone contributing while remaining courteous and receptive to courtesy. (We're not Dead Poet's Society fans either. Is anybody?) Soon approaching is this year's Summer Theme, so before we paddle on down to Aintry to get the cars and go home, we wanna squeeze in one more round to hold your attention. Now you get to play the game. 

EASY

FAIR

DIFFICULT