TOYS ARE US : A L I E N S

Toys are life. They have been coming into all of our lives and making our grown ups broke since birth. I guarantee that all of you were bestowed your first one on the day you forced your way out of the vagina as a reward for not killing your Mama.  As we aged though, the collector in us emerged. Whatever was  your niche of the moment, be it Beetlejuice, He-Man, or Batman, you needed every single one. Sometimes you had to dig deep with manipulation to coax the big people into sealing the purchase. And occasionally as a last ditch effort, you would explode into a class 3 tantrum, embarrassing the fuck out of them, just so your greedy and desperate hands wouldn't leave empty.

  

   There were times, especially as you got older and more mature, that they tried to reason with you. 

"There's no money right now." "We just got you one last weekend." "Christmas is next month." At this stage of your childhood, a large emotional scene would not just embarrass them, it would humiliate you. This is where where we began to craft our bargaining strategies and turn into little lawyers. If you were good at it, you could outsmart them, and argue your way into getting your desired prize. We learned quickly that gentle fighting with tact and intelligence was way more fruitful that our previous attempts. But they can't all be winners. Sometimes, the idiots that raised us, that said they knew what was best, said some bullshit, backing us into a corner, and could not be bought. 

  In 1992, Kenner released a line of glorious Aliens action figures. I knew this because I saw them every single time we went to KB Toys, the Mecca of my very existence. They were beautiful. There were several new Xenomorph incarnations: A Gorilla Alien, Scorpion Alien, and Bull Alien. Most precious and desired of all was the Queen Alien. I fantasized about battling her against Ripley and shouting "Get away from her you bitch!" I also wanted to display them around my room like statues, so that when I watched the movie, they would be watching it with me.

It was time to ask. I never asked for something on the first or second visits. That was obviously greedy. It was much more polite and successful to ask on the third or fourth time. Given the severity of the how much I needed these toys, I went for broke. I collected the Queen Alien and Ripley figures, laid them down on the floor into front of my mom, got down on my knees, and began to beg. I pleaded with her stating that I wouldn't need anything else for the rest of my life, that these toys were made just for me from my favorite movies, and I simply couldn't leave the store without them. She took one look and said, "No, those are boys' toys." 

  We left the store without them, but I had a core memory, and a lot of questions. It wasn't until I was older that I realized what total bullshit that was. Her rejection of my toy purchase derived from her insecurity that I would turn gay, like steering my toy choices would have anything to do with my adult sexual preferences. I just wanted to play, man. Let the goddamn children play.

   Now I'm an adult, and thanks to the wonderful flea markets, eBay, and antique stores, a couple of these figures have been acquired. Part of me wishes I could ignore the collector in me and listen to my inner child, so I could rip them open, and pose them. I'm dying to see the collectible comic book that's included, but will forever be encased in its plastic tomb.

   Seeing these toys through my gownup eyes, I'm not sure why Kenner decided to design these to look nothing like the film characters, but it's weird. Take the Bishop android for example: this slick, muscular, machine gun toting, sunglasses sporting, clearly MAN, looks nothing his meek and mild mannered character that we all love. The Ripley incarnation is better, but she still looks kinda Asian and somewhat sissy despite her iconic heroic screen presence. 

   I'm so glad I have them, like a stupid childhood curse has been lifted, even if they make me gay. Of course anyone with half a brain knows that action figure play only serves to strengthen social emotional development, which I really could have used more of as a kid. Thanks guys. And while we're on the subject of child development, letting a boy play with dolls, teaches them to be a loving and nurturing parent. Nothing gay about that. 

- Babes

MY POSTER PAST :: part 11

It's been nearly two years since my last post in this series - not because I've run out of poster stories to share, but because I'm always struggling to unite a bunch to better help me justify grouping them together. (My rigidness about such things comes as no surprise I'm sure.) I think I've come up with a good one this time: I call them "Surprise Posters" - as in wall art that I didn't know I was getting until I got them. I don't know if I'm describing it well so go ahead and look at the posters to see what I mean (I'm sure most of you already have).

- Paul

This Room is Protected by The Real Ghostbusters

My father still reminds me of the trials and tribulations of procuring me The Proton Pack, The Headquarters, et al. (He and my mother were successful on all fronts.) And as much as I loved all those plastic toys, I loved this free "sign" that came in the box just as much; even at 4 years old my interests were already leaning towards interior decorating. Of course, at that age there was no way I would've been able to articulate how much I loved the contrast of the red and yellow against the solid purple -- I was just happy to have an official "Keep Away" notice to let Freddy Krueger know I meant business. 

Now You're Playing With Power

Again, playing a Nintendo was cool, but having the visual reminder in my room that I actually owned a Nintendo was just as cool. Having said that, I've always thought this was an ugly poster; I think any kid would've preferred a big colorful image of Mario or Link over this frustrating composition of jagged grey shards floating in space. But I did and do adore the collage of screenshots of various games sprinkled throughout; they make me nostalgic now, but in the moment, they just made me love life. 

The Mask

I really didn't like this movie. I might've actually hated it, and I think a lot of that hate came from being really excited for it and then being so let down. I was so excited, in fact, that I bought any magazine that featured any images of Jim's awesome green face - one of which came with this super sleek pullout pinup within its pages. The magazine (whatever it was) also had a very similar publicity shot of Alec Baldwin as The Shadow -- that movie stank too, but these beautiful images with the clean uncluttered environments and the stylish costumes actually only accentuated my old, stained, torn, horrible pink wallpaper. My cousin got the same magazine with the same posters and they looked so goddamn good hanging on his nice clean freshly painted white walls. I literally tore everything off my own bedroom walls because of these posters in the hopes that my parents would perform an all out renovation. (They did not.)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II

Here's a nicer story. To you this is just an image on a screen, but it was actually a "mini poster" that was roughly 10x14 inches. But it was special because I got it for free at the movie's opening weekend: a cold rainy Saturday in March of 1991. They were handing these out in the lobby and I was too shy to grab one until my father insisted that I do - and I got the last one, and I clutched it as I sat in a theater packed with cold wet youths. And then when the Turtles first jumped onto the screen and the title card came up, everyone in the theater cheered. You don't forget memories like these. 

10 Tiny Treasures

Watch a movie more than once and you'll notice some of the smaller details that you missed the first time. This list, on the other hand, has absolutely nothing to do with that - there's some small stuff here but they're never not the life of the party. Some of them have magical powers, some of them have no proper function, some of them are just dollar bills y'all. The thing they have in common is I want all of them, and I have a secret hiding place set aside for each one. 

- Paul

Crystal ball

Labyrinth

Who didn't want a crystal ball just so they could do the Harlem Globetrotter shit Bowie does here? (It was the hands of a stunt "ball handler" but still.) Honestly, the crystal ball kept me invested in the movie as a kid because it hinted at the possibility of more sparkly treasure later on (there wasn't). 

Gold pen

Lethal Weapon 2

As a plot function it only existed for one scene as a means to squeeze in some of the melodramatic character development that this sequel mostly ignored. Of course I didn't recognize this when I was like 7, I just wanted the gold pen (not real gold, but in a movie that prominently features gold coins, I thought maybe?). 

Benedict's glass eyes

Last Action Hero

Many generations of children have enjoyed playing with marbles. My generation got the upgrade (downgrade?) of Pogs. These were like a combination of the two: shiny glass spheres with fun designs on them. I've wanted them-- nay, I've needed them for over 30 years, just to have and look at, or best case scenario, I lose an eye and I have to wear a different one every day. 

Petty cash box

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

This was the first time I'd ever heard of the "petty cash" concept and couldn't wait to grow up and borrow a stack of bills to buy a pair of boots and a magazine. But mostly I wanted access to a secret lockbox with little compartments inside for special things (like company funds). 

Batmobile tracer

Batman Returns

I don't know what you call this thing; Doug Jones places it under the Batmobile for the purposes of hacking into its computer. I just want it for its Tim Burton aesthetic, combining advanced technology and a candy colored paint job. 

Miniaturized furniture

Honey I Shrunk the Kids

Everything's cooler when it's miniaturized (see: Dennis Quaid), up to and including a "thinking couch" (which is just a cool idea on its own). In the movie, Matt Frewer calls it "doll furniture" that you can find at "swap meets" - when I was a kid I thought that was some kinda weird meat store and it sounded gross to me. But it also sounded like they had tiny furniture (not the Lena Dunham movie). 

Attendance and Punctuality pins

Rushmore

Cute and shiny and they also have academic recognition attached to them (sort of). I think between the two pins we'd all choose Punctuality (mostly because Attendance is lame). This is actually a treasure you can find all over Etsy. 

Owen's coin collection

Throw Momma From the Train

Perhaps the most obtainable prize on this list, and it has a context that allows us to play along at home. The collection is just an assortment of loose change with each coin evoking a different happy memory. Obviously you can do this with any object but Owen points out the otherwise unnoticed beauty of the coins themselves. (And he keeps them under a floorboard which is so rad.) 

The Black Box

Sneakers

I guess it'd be cool to hack into the government's database (even just to change our attendance records like Ferris Bueller) but I think the real joy would be having something so nefarious and sought-after that I would have to disguise it as something else to make sure no one found it. 

Model headstones

Beetlejuice

The whole damn town is depicted in model form, which would also imply the stuff we don't even see: mini Zagnut, mini whorehouse, mini prostitute ghouls. But still, I'd go with Beetlejuice's headstone, because it's already totally badass looking, and to reiterate, everything's even cooler miniaturized. 

STATIC SHOTS

GROOVE APPROVED