STATIC SHOTS

SUMMER SNACKS II: The Fattening

Mouth is alive with juices like wine. Everywhere I look I see sweet & salty temptation -- and I don't really go anywhere which means we're probably one deadly sin away from a plague of gummy frogs falling from the sky. When that happens I'll be ready - I have pillow cases to catch as many as I can. In the meantime, here's a second installment of Summer Snacks to quench our ongoing Violent Fantasies. Get out what's inside of you. 

- Paul

Doritos Twisted Queso

For all the flavors they throw at us, Doritos pretty much stays in their lane; all of their seasoning usually leads back to "tortilla chip adjacent" so the concept of a Dorito tasting exactly like "melted cheese dip" lands smoothly on the Frito-Lay runway. I highly recommend dipping them in salsa - combined with the mild cheddar flavor you're getting the entire Southwestern chip dip experience with each bite. 

Hostess Double Chocolate Meltamors

A "NEW" Hostess product can often just be some seasonally-colored sprinkles, but these are the real-deal-banana-peel, straight from the drawing board and into your gas station. Chocolate-filled cake isn't exactly groundbreaking for a Hostess property, but this one actually has the printed serving suggestion of microwaving for best results. So I threw it in for 15 seconds and it became a messy delight. 

Dr. Pepper Blackberry

I've been having a hard time finding new sodas (that aren't goddamn Mountain Dew flavors), but I've had my eye on this one for a while so I got to use this list as an excuse. Blackberry beverages will only ever remind me of Clearly Canadian - that is if they're done right, and the Dr. did this right, giving more than a hint of blackberry to make it a more worthy experience than just drinking what is nearly a regular Dr. Pepper with a little berry drawing on the label. 

Sour Cream & Funyuns

I was more excited for these than anything else on the list, but it should be a big clue that I didn't save it for last. As Jesse Pinkman said, "Funyuns are awesome", and while that's irrefutable, all of their attempts to deviate or improve has only hurt their credibility. I understandably expected these to be the sweet & sour explosion that the name suggests, but instead are noticeably blander than the plain ol' Funyuns. 

Lifesavers Gummies Neons

I love all kinds of Lifesavers Gummies, but I've never heard of Neons before so it was a total knee-jerk purchase -- plus the "neon" angle fits right in with our specific summer theme (yes that still play into it). The fun thing about Lifesavers Gummies is that there's no color code on the back, and while sometimes the flavors are obvious, sometimes it's a real guessing game. And before you know it the bag is empty. 

Kool-Aid Popping Candy

No one ever says "You know what I have a craving for right now? Pop Rocks!" Once I experienced the novelty of exploding candy at some point in the previous century I had no real need to revisit it -- but that's not what these are about. These are about fulfilling that forbidden fantasy of guzzling Kool-Aid powder straight from its colorful packets. I can't be the only one who wants that.

Hostess Orange Crème Pop Twinkies

Nothing about this seemed appealing - from the yellow/orange color clash to the concept of citrus snack cakes, my expectations were low, if not downright fearful. But the thing with Twinkies is that they're mostly "cake" and the filling is very nonintrusive. Regardless of that, the cream (or crème) isn't actually sour like the orange juice subversiveness I was expecting (for some reason) but more like the orange ice cream it promises. Still, I won't miss these when they're gone. 

Cap'n Crunch's Orange Creampop Crunch

Apparently this is the official Orange Creamsicle Summer and we're just finding out now. Again, I imagined this tasting like I'd swapped out the milk for OJ, but it's nowhere near that traumatizing. Honestly the sugary assault of original Cap'n Crunch flavor is so loud that it just about drowns out the attempt at fruity flavors. I'd say it would just be easier to buy the original but then we wouldn't get this awesome depiction of the Cap'n in his Love Boat attire and sleazy tangerine-tinted shades. Might just be the best image we get to see this season. 

Jell-O Pudding Cups

What you're looking at is 4(?) chocolate candies that went on a Summer car ride from the Route 13 State Line Convenience Mart in Brookline, New Hampshire to my home in Bennett Land, which clocks in at around 30 minutes. (I don't believe in air conditioning.) After reshaping itself like the T-1000 it somehow still maintained its gooey pudding center, which for real tasted like Jell-O chocolate pudding. I highly recommend these - just don't dillydally after you've bought them. 

Melody Pops

Apart from stuffing them with bubblegum and Tootsie cement, mainstream lollipops don't employ a lotta surprises - for my money they peaked when they entered the world of costume jewelry. However, a fun one that's been around since I was a kid is whistle pops - or, under the Chupa Chups label, Melody Pops. If you don't know or can't figure it out from the name, it's a lollipop shaped like a whistle - accurately enough that they're entirely functional. At any rate they're sugary nostalgia wrapped in cute wrappers and I'm comfortable advocating such things.

Take it, kid...

10 Wacky Vehicles

In compiling a list of 10 Cool Cars I managed to think of a ton of not-quite-cars -- like so many that they needed to go somewhere; I've made it my job to justify the existence of such things, and so now I bring you a list of the more abstract idea that is "vehicles". Let the wackiness commence. 

- Paul

Ecto-2

The Real Ghostbusters

It made more sense than trying to navigate Manhattan traffic in a giant car when you're attempting to bust free floating apparitions. I called it a helicopter but I guess technically it's an "autogyro". This one presents a weird situation: I can't remember if I had the toy or I just remember the kids in the commercial playing with it. Either way I had a great time. 

The Cart of Death

Married... With Children

A shopping cart refurbished by Al as a means to win the Foodie's One Millionth Customer Shopping Spree. Apart from looking like Super Mario's Bullet Bill, it featured several "antipersonnel" gadgets like shooting arrows and spring-loaded boxing gloves. As much as I love things that are secretly weapons, the big draw is really the Bullet Bill comparison. 

Dracula's Coach

Bram Stoker's Dracula

For an endlessly spooky movie this just may be one of the scariest bits. Nevermind the weird ghost horses pulling you towards what is ultimately Hell on Earth, but that crumbling cliff ride is no joke. Oh and the demonic Coachman (also played by Gary Oldman) gave me a nightmare when I was 9 that I still remember. 

Trimaxion Drone Ship

Flight of the Navigator

Were this a ranked list of Coolest Spaceships, this would probably place first. As a child I was a sucker for shiny things and that attitude hasn't really waned, so while it may be able to change shape, travel through space and time, and talk like Pee-wee, I'm really just here for the sexy silver curves. 

Transport Module

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I love cozy compact conveyances - stuff that's only big enough for me and maybe a friend and some snacks. Claustrophobia doesn't kick in when there's a forward momentum - especially one strong enough to bust through the Earth's crust. 

Neptune 2000

Get a Life

In an episode of this short-lived show from the early 90s, Chris Elliot sends away for a DIY submarine called The Neptune 2000. Twenty years later it arrives in the mail, and after assembling it he and his father merely sit in it, in the bathtub, and become trapped. Even still, I find it cozy. 

The Golden Condor

The Mysterious Cities of Gold

There were three things that kept me coming back to this show: the abstract promise that there will be gold, the truly epic theme song, and this giant fucking bird/plane thing that's intimidating enough to scare away foes and allies alike. 

The Wonkavator

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

He had many concoctions and contraptions and modes of transportation (all with the prefix "Wonka") but this is the one that literally breaks away from the surrealistic dread of the factory and leaves us on the highest note. Really, though, I just wanna press that awesome-looking button. 

Queen's Flying Car

"Radio Ga Ga"

In the music video for their 1984 single, the band sorta kinda superimposes themselves into scenes from Fritz Lang's Metropolis, portions of which depict them flying over the titular city in a futuristic sports car steered with a microphone. Judging by its homemade look and how it glides I always felt as though it'd handle like a really pleasant amusement park ride. 

Arwing

Star Fox

Back in '93 the big selling point of this game was that it contained the Super FX Graphics Chip. Not really sure what that did but it certainly was a neat looking game - particularly the fighter planes flown by Fox McCloud and his crew; honestly these sleek silvery angles only ever made me think of Flight of the Navigator, so clearly I'm a slave to my preferred aesthetics. 

NAME THAT MOVIE!

How's your summer going? Or whatever season you're celebrating - we're tolerant of all denominations. Thanks to all of you who've been following along on here and the socials - and if you haven't you're probably not reading this, and just so you know we're all making fun of you. 

Last set flew under the radar a bit - Jacob and ORC swooped in with answers right away but no one was able to fill in the blanks, due to laziness or indifference but definitely NOT incompetence.

See you at the party, Richter.

 

 

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