NINTENDO Merchandise From 1990!

Today I'm gonna show you pictures of Super Mario underwear and you're gonna pretend to enjoy it.

From 1990, it's the awkwardly-titled "World of Nintendo Gear & Stuff" catalog, a 20 page magazine-sized insert that I believe was mailed out to Nintendo Power Magazine subscribers. Within its pages are glamor shots of wristwatches, sleeping bags, beach towels, and like a hundred other things that advertise Nintendo in some way. But strangely enough, this isn't the kinda catalog you could order things from, nor was it any type of "circular" for one specific store like Sears or JCPenny. Instead, this was just an aggressive, colorful reminder that this stuff exists, and it was our job - our destiny - to find it. 

Right off the bat they give us a list of stores where we might find this stuff (almost none of which exist anymore) accompanied by a 1-800 number to help better direct us, turning this potential shopping experience into a video game itself. Personally I don't remember seeing an official "World of Nintendo" department in my local Bradlees or Woolworth -- not that I was aware that I should've been actively looking for it, but there's no chance that stuff like this would've slipped past me; Nintendo merchandise was like gold, both in its beauty and its scarcity, and I only ever acquired everything I found (which wasn't much) and I treasured it appropriately. 

I'm writing this article for several reasons. The first is that, while a lotta the images in this book have become "Internet Famous" over the years, the picture quality (and comprehensiveness) has never met my standards; they're often repurposed into memes or grainy thumbnails on Pinterest boards, but the Web deserves some hi-res scans of this publication (if not for you, then for me dammit). 

That leads into my second reason. I never make a trip to eBay without a quick search for late 80s / early 90s Nintendo collectibles -- even if I'm there looking for used auto parts or a birthday gift for a relative, I always gotta check in on the status of rubber Luigi pencil toppers, just to feel grounded. Point is, having tangible photos of these items in my hands, as well as interacting with them by scanning them onto the Net, is about as close a I can get to some of these relics that I so deserve. In other words, I rarely have the bucks or the balls to blow $500 on a Youth Medium Adventure of Link sweatshirt, so the physical act of doing this is enough to satisfy me without the financial strain. 

All of these are just a result of my real reason for sharing this: actively putting myself in this place, in this "World of Nintendo", is both calming and exhilarating. Superficially I enjoy all the sexy shots of party supplies and pajamas, and then slightly beyond that we can all laugh at the funny fashions and hairstyles of the era, but as a whole this catalog creates an atmosphere that practically has its own music (which definitely combines Hip Hop with guitar solos).

Some of the photography includes actual set design that ranges from TV Sitcom Bedroom to Miami Vice Bad Guy to Laura Brannigan Music Video, but everything assembled together on the same page creates its own radical environment, and it smells like Bubble Tape: the shapes, the colors, the fonts, even the terminology used, from "Get With it" to "You're Happening", all established the very specific corporate pandering that's unique to my childhood, and so it puts me very much at home. 

So in this Doom Scroll Era of Arts and Entertainment, I implore you to study the finer details of these pages, because not only are they full of so many beautiful and weird products (Super Mario Candy Bars? What?!) but also if you stare deeply enough into its Pop Art mosaics, you can almost feel the Fruit Gushers explode in your mouth as Joey McItyre pleads, "Please Don't Go Girl..." If that's your desired vibe, you're welcome. 

- Paul

Orange Mango

The Passions of Elvis

A few weeks back, Elvis (my son) asked me where "my favorite place to go" was (because only a 7 year old deals in absolutes). I had difficulty landing on an honest answer, mostly because there really aren't many manmade places to go anymore, and the ones that are left have been sanitized or gentrified or castrated in some manner. But he answered for me and said it's "probably Horror Conventions", and he was probably right - they're the closest thing left to a toy store/mall/flea market on my own radar of interests (and I tragically haven't been to one in years). I took the bait and asked him where his favorite place to go was, and he had two (of which he made me guess). To reiterate, it certainly wasn't Toys R Us or Kay-Bee, so I gave the easy (and correct) answer of "the playground". The second place came as a bit of a surprise, though didn't take many guesses (because, again, it's a short list) - I thought of the most recent establishments we'd been to that had anything exciting to offer, which at that point was "The Movies". 

We'd seen The Super Mario Galaxy Movie probably less than ten days prior so it was still fresh on his mind -- and by "fresh on his mind" I mean the only possible topic of conversation that he was able to offer, and if someone wasn't able to adequately reciprocate, he'd simply monologue his thoughts and feelings. Actually, that pattern of discourse hasn't really let up since then (or since he could speak really) but the subject matter can veer off into other areas intrigue, like Five Nights at Freddy's, SpongeBob Squarepants, Minecraft, and also non Pop Culture items like Astronomy, Geology, and Meteorology. And when he's run out of things to say and facts to share, he'll write Short Story Fiction, broken into chapters, incorporating elements from all these properties into a decidedly-fashionable multiverse of characters and themes. 

I understand this level of mania only too well - waking up in the morning as my dreams transition into thoughts of specific video games or cartoon characters or toys or other acts of play, and those things dominating my train of thought as the serious matters that they are. (Summers were best, when there was no other business to distract me from this very important work.) To witness someone (especially of my own heritage) experience and harness and profess this casual joy of living is endlessly wonderful and fun, and sometimes generates a brief whiff of jealousy. See, I haven't fallen into a profound obsession over any form of Art or Entertainment in a long time - probably over 20 years / since early adulthood. Does the weight of the world simply make it too difficult to lose ourselves in the music anymore? Or did I reach a certain age where I'd simply already discovered every single thing that could possibly interest me? Frankly I refuse to believe that either of those are true - mostly because I'm constantly reminded of how wonderful it can be to be in that frame of mind, and I need to believe I can get back there. 

Maybe this is just the dilemma of Millennial Nostalgia - we can't get into anything new because there isn't anything new; I don't need to discover Batman or Ghostbusters or Super Mario or Jurassic Park because I did that already during an entirely different cultural era. But that's partly why having a child during this current period of time is only that much more fantastical: I can expose him to something like STAR WARS or Indiana Jones or Alien, and there's nothing outdated about any of it because we can turn on the TV or go "The Movies" and pick up right where the story left off. 

It's important to note that not only have I not pushed any of my interests on him, but there's also a clear division in the properties that we follow. As I sit beside him in the theater as we watch The SpongeBob Movie: The Search For Squarepants or Five Nights at Freddy's 2, I'm reminded of sitting next to my own father as I subjected him to the likes of 3 Ninjas and Stay Tuned as he happily obliged. (We also saw Last of the Mohicans and Dracula that same year but I'm not trying to call attention to the dip in quality over the decades.) I'm watching these movies that I would've otherwise gone the rest of my life without seeing, but I'm doing it through this sorta distorted lens where I'm watching them through his eyes and making sure they hit all the marks that he's looking for; without any effort whatsoever, my normal pretentious film critic filter is almost entirely deactivated, which still allows me to be opinionated but in different ways. 

What's all this gripe I keep hearing about "Fan Service"? The first time I heard that phrase as a negative (or in any context at all) was in reference to Rogue One (which at that time was only the fifth STAR WARS movie to be largely predicated upon nostalgia); ironically enough that's one of the few movies where I felt the winks and nods were integrated into the story most organically. But my dispute here isn't necessarily in defense of Fan Service, but that it seems like a completely benign insult; as I write this on the brink of new Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings material being thrusted upon us, I've only ever been under the impression that the mere existence of any and all of these microwaved Intellectual Properties are, by definition, "Fan Service". I mean, of course every moment in all these remakes and sequels is esoteric and referential - it's their world, and we're paying to live in it. While watching these Super Mario movies I wasn't too preoccupied or even aware of stuff like pacing and structure and character development -- One, because they actually handle those things pretty okay, and Two because they don't seem to be that big of a concern to Elvis; as long as familiar characters and locations and sounds and objects keep appearing on the screen...? Pure Cinema. 

Conversely, there are plenty of childlike institutions that I still actively enjoy that he just can't seem to get into wholeheartedly. Every day after school he does his homework while my attention is split between helping him with Reading Comprehension and watching the 1987 Ninja Turtles cartoon. It's sorta become a running joke now, how Papa's "favorite show" is Ninja Turtles and how it's the only thing I'm interested in. I've only ever been able to compound these accusations by dragging him to see the original 1990 movie (as well as Secret of the Ooze) in the theater during their respective 35th anniversaries. Again, not forcing anything on him, I know he like Michelangelo - he's said as much, and I spotted an expression of mild glee on his face anytime Mikey did some of his antics. And I know he digs Super Shredder because how could anyone not? But in his mind the Turtles clearly belong to me; for my last birthday I asked him to draw me a picture that I could get tattooed on myself, and so now I have this...

His birthday will forever correspond with the end of the school year / beginning of Summer, so that also means it'll usually be at the same time as the release of some big movie. Despite the fact that they release these kindsa movies all year long now, they still find worthy titles for the season's kickoff. In 2025 we went to see Elio, and as much as we enjoyed it in the moment, it left no lasting impression on us whatsoever. A real shame - Pixar is typically top quality, and it's always refreshing to fall for a largely original movie, but in this framework, if you can't get any good toys or Halloween costumes out of it then something's missing. So this year is the big swing of Toy Story 5, sure to stimulate the nostalgia bone of children and grownups alike, as well as fuel the fire for the cynics who feel they shouldn't be making any more of these. At any rate, the timing guarantees a core memory in the making. Actually, he was very apprehensive at first - his Second Grade classmates have already christened Toy Story as "baby stuff". Fair enough - I was 12 when Part One came out and so I certainly waited for the privacy of Home Video. But I explained to him how much I loved it when I was practically a teenager and so it's definitely okay for big kids too. (I could've explained how I love it even as a grownup, but my credibility as a mature adult is obviously already blurred in his eyes.)

I'm not particularly sentimental about him "growing up so fast", mostly because we're sorta in the midst of what I consider to be the best years. I've wanted a child of my own ever since I was a child, and that's partly because I just wanted someone likeminded to hang out with, and I'd say he's just about reached the age where we can sort of causally enjoy the same things together without either of us having to pander to the other. There's still a noticeable gulf there: I'm able to genuinely appreciate some of his pursuits simply because of his infectious enthusiasm, while he still struggles to simply feign interest in some of my hobbies -- like watching feature length films. That's why it was a surprise that he holds The Movie Theater in such high regard; I don't know if it's his attention span or it's a generational thing, but my kid - my kid - is only partially interested in The Art of Motion Pictures. If the title and subject is rooted in a brand name that's familiar to him (cartoons, video games, sequels, etc.) then he'll perhaps allow his eyes to glance at the screen to then maybe determine its worth. But with everything else I'm like a hungry screenwriter tryna sell him on the most exciting elements of every movie. "It's got a guy who kills women so he can steal their skin and wear it over his own! And there's another guy who's so dangerous that they keep him in a glass box because he eats people!" That gets some mild interest, but I know in my sad heart that it'd just be way too talky/cerebral for him to sit through. Having said that, it's become apparent that Horror is the key to (moderate) captivation, even more than Action Adventure or Comedy. (He was barely able to watch the last half of American Werewolf in London because he was too busy "transforming into a werewolf" himself.) Even just the scarier/gorier moments from the Predator and Terminator movies got a ton of attention and praise, while the explosions and shootouts and chases did little to delight him. 

Morbid fascination, or a distaste for the tedium of Big Budget Blow-em-ups? Who knows? Who cares? If he's anything like I was it's probably a little of both. The biggest difference is that, unlike my own parents, I'm not constantly reinforcing the idea that all scary movies are "really fucking scary, so close your eyes here because you will be scared." Granted, refraining from that kinda rhetoric removes just about all the mystique surrounding this material that kept me so turned on throughout my youth, but I'm also here to guide him through the aisles of muck and blandness and make sure to show him what I consider to be the best. If he wants to branch out into the schlock he can spend his prepubescence flipping through stacks of Fangorias same as I did. In the meantime, he's given his most positive responses to The Thing, The Blob, Halloween IV, Weapons, Primate, the entirety of the Child's Play franchise (with heavy emphasis on Seed of Chucky), and oddly enough, Misery, which prompted him to spend the remainder of the day telling everyone "I'm your Number One Fan". 

I'm making it all seem grander than it really is -- with the exception of Chucky (and maybe Weapons), his mindset is entirely focused on his very "Second Grader in 2026" goods and services; unique to the setting, but also unique to him. He spends hours at a time playing LEGO STAR WARS on his touchscreen tablet. He dances to AC/DC and INXS on his Amazon Alexa. Over the past few months he's drifted away from the "bedtime story" routine, and now the last moments of the day are dedicated to watching YouTube videos - either about storm chasers, or comparing the sizes of stars in the observable universe. Even through the filter of the 21st Century it's all completely relatable, because while none of us are exactly the same as our kids, we were once, in fact, kids. He likes waterslides and hide 'n seek and chocolate bars and bubblegum. He likes nature and science and stuffed animals and being tickled. He hates long car rides and eating dinner and brushing his teeth and going to sleep. He's frightened of bees and bullies and nightmares and bellyaches. As we grow up we tend to quiet some of these stronger feelings -- but in favor of what? I ask that rhetorically but I don't actually know the answer; we're desensitized with experience, but I suppose a generalized apathy is also a defense mechanism against the shit we deal with in the grownup world. But whatever, this isn't about the ugliness of adulthood, nor is it about me pining for my own past - mostly because I don't really need to anymore (or as much anyway). 

I wouldn't say I live "vicariously" through Elvis's optimism and curiosity and overall lust for life, I'm just happy to be around it and I'll do anything I can to perpetuate it; it's infectious and I selfishly don't ever wanna poison the well. The old concept of "providing a better upbringing for your child than the one you received" is a tall order for me because my childhood home life was top-notch, so now whenever the circumstances fall short it's that much more devastating to me. But Elvis doesn't know that because he has nothing to compare it to; objectively his life has been one unbroken boulevard of green lights, so in some ways, he's actually had it better than me - thusly making him a better person. He's more outgoing than I was, more generous, more inquisitive, and especially way better looking (even if he does look exactly like SpongeBob). I won't attempt to call out any of the shortcomings of my own parents and just say that I've utilized and bestowed their best traits throughout this chapter of my life that is "parenting", which basically just boils down to a loving and safe environment. I had that. I did not have the ability to watch any episode of my favorite show at any time of the day or night. I did not have four video game devices with an extensive library of games for each. I did not have framed posters on my bedroom wall. I did not have my own YouTube channel. (Make sure to visit it and "like" and "subscribe", it's a huge deal to him when that happens.) Again, that's still not me being envious; I'll take VHS quality gold over 4K streaming manure any day. But with technology, same as trends and culture and history and the color of the sky and the taste of a soft drink and the smell of a rainstorm and the excitement of a carnival, it all feels new to me -  and it's amazing, because Elvis told me it was. 

- Paul

MY POSTER PAST :: part 11

It's been nearly two years since my last post in this series - not because I've run out of poster stories to share, but because I'm always struggling to unite a bunch to better help me justify grouping them together. (My rigidness about such things comes as no surprise I'm sure.) I think I've come up with a good one this time: I call them "Surprise Posters" - as in wall art that I didn't know I was getting until I got them. I don't know if I'm describing it well so go ahead and look at the posters to see what I mean (I'm sure most of you already have).

- Paul

This Room is Protected by The Real Ghostbusters

My father still reminds me of the trials and tribulations of procuring me The Proton Pack, The Headquarters, et al. (He and my mother were successful on all fronts.) And as much as I loved all those plastic toys, I loved this free "sign" that came in the box just as much; even at 4 years old my interests were already leaning towards interior decorating. Of course, at that age there was no way I would've been able to articulate how much I loved the contrast of the red and yellow against the solid purple -- I was just happy to have an official "Keep Away" notice to let Freddy Krueger know I meant business. 

Now You're Playing With Power

Again, playing a Nintendo was cool, but having the visual reminder in my room that I actually owned a Nintendo was just as cool. Having said that, I've always thought this was an ugly poster; I think any kid would've preferred a big colorful image of Mario or Link over this frustrating composition of jagged grey shards floating in space. But I did and do adore the collage of screenshots of various games sprinkled throughout; they make me nostalgic now, but in the moment, they just made me love life. 

The Mask

I really didn't like this movie. I might've actually hated it, and I think a lot of that hate came from being really excited for it and then being so let down. I was so excited, in fact, that I bought any magazine that featured any images of Jim's awesome green face - one of which came with this super sleek pullout pinup within its pages. The magazine (whatever it was) also had a very similar publicity shot of Alec Baldwin as The Shadow -- that movie stank too, but these beautiful images with the clean uncluttered environments and the stylish costumes actually only accentuated my old, stained, torn, horrible pink wallpaper. My cousin got the same magazine with the same posters and they looked so goddamn good hanging on his nice clean freshly painted white walls. I literally tore everything off my own bedroom walls because of these posters in the hopes that my parents would perform an all out renovation. (They did not.)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II

Here's a nicer story. To you this is just an image on a screen, but it was actually a "mini poster" that was roughly 10x14 inches. But it was special because I got it for free at the movie's opening weekend: a cold rainy Saturday in March of 1991. They were handing these out in the lobby and I was too shy to grab one until my father insisted that I do - and I got the last one, and I clutched it as I sat in a theater packed with cold wet youths. And then when the Turtles first jumped onto the screen and the title card came up, everyone in the theater cheered. You don't forget memories like these. 

Nintendo Pocket Power - THE WIZARD

Nintendo Power Magazine is a testament to the perfect storm that was brought on by the cool front of the 80s colliding with the hot front of the 90s, generating a lotta red skies, blue lightning, rockin' guitar shreds, and heavy dance beats. Word! I've explored that pixelated landscape several times before on this site, but today I'm here to talk about its spinoff mini-magazine, Nintendo Pocket Power.

Roughly the size of a TV Guide or Reader's Digest (if any of you can even remember those dimensions) but only about 40 pages long, making it a little bit closer to a pamphlet. Impractically puny and ergonomically cumbersome, this decidedly smaller version of Nintendo Power had a total of one issue: This One. Apparently, this was a movie theater promo that you could've picked up for free when you went to see The Wizard in December of '89 - which is a good explanation as to its scarcity and current dollar value (I was able to get mine from St. Nick a few years back). The bulk of its contents plays out like a regular issue of Nintendo Power, featuring tips and strategy guides for the latest games like Fester's Quest, Marble Madness, Double Dragon II, and of course a big ass to-do about the upcoming Super Mario Bros. 3.

But like I always point out, the best parts of these Nintendo magazines are the portions that have less to do with boring video games and focus more on stuff like comics, interviews, statistics, and advertisements -- usually (actually exclusively) ads for the magazine itself, along with other Nintendo products. For too many obvious reasons, this one included a two-page push for The Power Glove.

Pepsi products can be found throughout The Wizard, and so why not a prominent plug for The Choice of a New Generation, in an ad that embraces every artistic hallmark of a New Kids on the Block music video (who can also be heard throughout The Wizard).

Lastly, a full page ad for Jell-O Pudding Pops, which truly didn't need any extra fanfare in 1989 -- even without the aid of wholesome spokesman Bill Cosby, I can't even remember these being unpopular (until the 90s, when they sadly vanished). I miss the days when childhood obesity was just something we casually took for granted. 

Jell-O gets to be part of this scene because, as noted, they were a sponsor of the Nintendo World Championships. As I mentioned a while back, I've only ever assumed that these real life video game contests that began in 1990 were directly inspired by (or at least in cahoots with) The Wizard and its Video Armageddon plot thread. This magazine also takes a page to tell us all about that, and if the atmosphere of these championships was anything like the movie, I'm sure every kid in the country was anxious to prove their prowess in a public forum (except for me, who didn't really care for people, crowds, yelling, competing, or traveling). 

Every Nintendo Power managed to snag a small interview with a young celebrity to ask them about their video game habits and preferences, but here in this abridged issue is the crown jewel -- not just because he's the star of the Nintendo Movie, but as I once confidently declared so many years ago, 1989 belongs to Fred Savage!

All you need to know from this is that Fred can't wait till Super Mario 3 hits stores so he can buy it. (Really? After selling it this hard you'd think the folks at Nintendo would've hooked him up.) But believe it or not, I didn't come here to show off pictures of chocolate ice cream and Power Gloves - that shit's child's play compared to THIS: 

Merchandising! Sexy and delicious treasures featuring licensed Wizard branding that I have never ever seen in existence outside of this full page ad in this singular tie-in magazine. T-shirts! Stickers! Fanny packs! All donning the title of the movie in its official typeface, along with some weird insignia which, if you look closely, appears to be Jimmy posing like da Vinci's Vitruvian Man. And speaking of, if I had to vote for a most desirable prize in this lineup, it'd probably be the lunchbox - because hey, an official Jimmy Woods lunchbox! It's even listed as "The Wizard's Lunchbox" -- though I'd wager 50,000 Double Dragon points that it doesn't contain photos of his dead sister. 

- Paul

6 Inconspicuous Sequels

I won't say "underrated" - mostly because I hate the term. But that also wouldn't be accurate; these are six Number 2s that are largely unnoticed, unpopular, or are just generally unassuming in nature, and I find them all to be pretty wonderful. 

Queen II

Not that their self-titled debut album was much more popular, but apart from its iconic cover art (that was famously recreated for the "Bohemian Rhapsody" music video the following year) this one usually flies under the radar. It contains one single, "Seven Seas of Rhye", which proved to be their first sorta hit, but the rest of the tracks would be mostly unfamiliar to a casual Queen fan. My advice to them and to anyone is to experience this album wholly, chronologically, and without pause, as it's constructed as one nearly unbroken opera of pomp, metal, and folk. It takes the Abbey Road gimmick further (and with more finesse) and explores changes in pace and tone that are actually more ambitious and bombastic than, say, "Bohemian Rhapsody". 

Coke II

I've written about this before. And talked on camera about it before. And I'm gonna keep bringing it up until I've made a goddamned feature film about it. Released in 1992 (or rather, renamed) it was beautifully packaged with the traditional red & white boldness, but now with blue highlights and a fancy Roman numeral that made it feel like a Rocky sequel. At 9 years old the sheer novelty of it was the initial draw - like, Batman gets a sequel, and now mf Coke does too?! Furthermore, I found the soda to be really good; even at that age I was already experimenting with potential pops to break up the boredom my Coca-Cola excess, and Coke II played that part for however long it was alive. It was only decades later that I discovered Coke II was actually New Coke in different clothes, and while it may be more famous (or infamous) as its first iteration, it'll always be Coke II to me. 

Snowball II

At this stage of the game, The Simpsons has no more "minor characters" - they've mined everyone from Gil to Bumblebee Man, and even though I'm largely (maybe somewhat entirely) unfamiliar with the last 15 years of this show, I can definitely say Snowball II kept her dignity. I know this because she eventually met her fate in a Season 15 episode and was replaced by Lisa with a cat who is ultimately Snowball V. So the tried-and-true Snowball II was solely part of the supposed "Golden Age" of Simpsons - in that time surviving basement flooding, lack of grooming, and a possible romance with Scratchy. She lost her life when she was run over by Dr. Hibbert, and she quite possibly took the series with her to the grave. 

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

My relationship with video games is narrow and my interests in them are specific. This sequel to the groundbreaking Legend of Zelda was actually quite popular when it was released in 1987, though after so much time and so many more Zelda games, this is the one gamers point to as the weakest. I like when I get the opportunity to point out that I'm not a gamer, so with my limited experience regarding anything Zelda-related post 1994, I can say Adventure of Link is high on my short list of all time favorite video games. Apart from "deviating" from whatever norms the normies got used to, it is an unquestionably hard game to play. But I didn't care about the difficulty or the dogma, I was only ever enraptured by the world it created, and I put in the effort because I wanted to explore and experience as much as it had to offer; somehow this 8-bit setting and soundtrack was as real as video games ever got for me. 

Saved by the Bell: The College Years

The New Class was not able to capture the charm and chemistry of the original series. The College Years, in my opinion, did. Both premiering in 1993, New Class ran for seven seasons, but College Years was only around for one, even though it was more truly a sequel than a spinoff. While the original was largely an ensemble effort, it's only ever been clear to me that Saved by the Bell begins and ends with Zack Morris; College Years secured only four original cast members which manages to maintain a lotta the original chemistry, but again, that's because Zack leads the way, in and around and through the fourth wall. Let's face it, despite reunion efforts, The Beatles were never The Beatles again without John. 

True Detective Season 2

Were expectations ever so high? The first season got a lotta love (much of it from me) and we were all longing for more of the same creepy vibes and pretentious pontificating that became synonymous with the title. I wasn't necessarily Batman Returns-excited but I thought I had a pretty good idea of how it was gonna be. For the most part I was wrong; the general tone still remained but my initial takeaway was a plot-heavy melodrama that sank under the weight of its many intersecting threads. That's my own pretentious pontificating as a way of saying I thought it was mediocre. And for the most part, again, I was wrong. Season One made it impossible to not get caught up in its whodunnit premise (it's a damn detective show) but I had to confront the fact that it was the mood and overall ambience that hit me hardest. Season Two retained that (from different angles), and while I'm generally a fan of style over substance, it went to work on me almost subconsciously, to the point that I've revisited it twice and realized I'd retained more than I thought. I stupidly wanted more of the same, and missed the fact that I got something good, but different. 

Dog Day '92

The time on the cable box reads 9:37. That feels too early, I hate waking up when there's three numbers on the clock instead of four. What day is it? It's either Wednesday or Thursday. Even on vacation the weekdays all feel the same and I spend them looking forward to the weekend so I can get back to Ronny's house and keep working on A Link to the Past. The goal is to beat it by the end of summer and August is starting to give me the Sunday Night Blues. We've already rescued the Seven Sages and we have no idea how many levels are left, but between swimming in the pool and vacations in Maine and all the new Nickelodeon shows on Saturday nights, we might not get there before school starts. 

But now I'm up, and I go downstairs where Mom's in the parlor with Donahue on the TV and Teika on the couch next to her, but she's not really watching it, she's more into the TV Guide crossword at the moment so I can put on whatever I want. First place I go is channel 13 - Nickelodeon. David the Gnome is on. Man, I haven't watched this since Kindergarten, and I watched the hell out of it back then, but looking at it now it feels like such a baby show compared to Ren & Stimpy. I check WNDS because I know it's time for back-to-back Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, but it's a black & white Bewitched so I keep flipping. I go to channel 23, VH1, because there's always a good chance they're playing Queen stuff - especially since Wayne's World came out in February, and even more now that it just came out on tape. Sure enough, they're playing the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert again. It's cool, but I'd rather see old music videos and documentaries with the whole band. But I leave this on while I eat my Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and wait for George Michael to sing "Somebody to Love". That's the best part. 

It's sunny out. It's hot but it's early so there's lots of shade from the trees. There's nothing really to do outside except maybe ride my bike to Bennett Store, which I've done twice already this week so I have to find a way to ask for more money. At this rate there's no way I'm gonna get the complete set of the Batman Returns cards, but I'm still gonna try to get a pack every chance I get. I also need to replace my pouch of Big League Chew that's all melted together. Really though, the main reason I wanna go to the store is to buy more Coke in glass bottles, which is not a secret to Mom. I'm sure I've already spent close to $10 this week just on those bottles, but you have to understand, I've waited my whole life for this - an entire 9½ years wishing I could drink soda out of those beautiful, old-fashioned bottles like they do in the movies. I've been filling my empties with Coke from the plastic 2 liter in the fridge but it's obviously not the same - the excitement of prying the bottle cap, the sweat dripping down the curves, even the taste is different. Mom gets it, kinda, and she's been very generous so far but she keeps reminding me that she's not gonna give money every day for this. But I ask anyways -- actually, I ask if I can go get a ham & cheese grinder, and those are $2.25, so if she has a five dollar bill she'll most likely let me have the whole thing. Also this way she doesn't have to make me lunch. She knows this, and so she gives me a ten(!), but wants five back. I have to make this count.

I decide to walk to the store. Every time I ride my bike I feel nervous about leaving it outside and so I feel rushed. I can't rush today, I have exactly $5 to spend and I need to figure out the math (but I'm sure a couple extra quarters will be ok). It's not quite noon yet, and it takes only three minutes to walk there (two if I cut through the trees behind Bennett School) but I'm already sweating by the time I get to the store. Even the giant wooden screen door doesn't let enough fresh air into the place to be comfortable. Thankfully I'm the only customer in this tiny space but it's still humid and smells like potato salad. I walk over to the the tall deli counter and ignore the pile of wrapped sandwiches behind the glass because mine has to be specially made. "Ham and cheese grinder with just mayo. That's it!" The lady knows this, but I know if I don't ask specifically then they will mess it up - I hate picking off tiny little strings of lettuce. While it's being made I go into the walk-in cooler to get what I really came for. I let the door close behind me and just spend some time letting the frosty air cool my sweat. It's like a neat clubhouse in here - dim lighting, surrounded by Apple Slice and Crystal Pepsi, protected by a giant door that looks like a bank vault. And just then the old guy who works here opens the door and sees me standing there. "Nice and cool in here, huh?!" He's not mad, but I grab my single 8 oz glass bottle of Coca-Cola and head back out into the store. This should leave me with $1.50 (I think). The reason my Big League Chew melted was probably because I got bored with it - I need something new. Fruit Stripe? Cinn-a-Burst? Bubble Tape is basically Big League Chew in a different shape so that's out. Bart's really got me into Butterfingers lately but I got a whole bag of fun size ones at home. Everything else here is dumb; bubblegum cigar, Tootsie Pop, plastic army men with plastic parachutes... oh man, the Batman Returns cards are sold out?! Who else in this neighborhood is buying these except for me? Obviously I don't want these Ninja Turtles III or Star Trek Next Generation packs, and I'm not alone because there's a million of them left. I can't waste this extra money but I'm not excited about any of this stuff -- except for the Coke... Right! I'll get another bottle! That way I don't have to figure out another excuse tomorrow to come back here. A second bottle makes good financial sense. 

I get back with my grinder, my two Cokes, and Mom's change. I explain my decision to her about the extra soda and she says "okay" in a "that's fine" kinda way. I feel so rich having two unopened bottles! I couldn't imagine what it's like having a whole six pack - I'd probably never open them and just display them somewhere so I could look at them all the time. But I have no problem opening these - half the fun is drinking out of them. I open one with the fridge magnet bottle opener and take my ham & cheese and get set up in the parlor and try to find something on TV - hopefully a movie. I check HBO... Mannequin 2: On the Move. I hate Mannequin 2 - why don't they play part one anymore? Next I go to Cinemax... Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach - this one will definitely do. I don't know why I like watching it, none of the jokes are even funny and a lot of the acting is really annoying, but all the beach and pool stuff really feels like Summertime. I can't explain why that makes a difference to me but it does. I only watch enough to finish my sandwich and soda, and that gives me 30 minutes of Nintendo time before Mom watches All My Children at 1:00. It's not like I'm trying to beat something, I've been playing Gremlins 2 with the Game Genie and I've been using the "Infinite Lives" code and the "Don't Take Damage" code (though I guess I don't really need both). I haven't made it all the way through yet but knowing I can't die makes it feel like I've already beaten it. Still, I wanna see the Mohawk Spider Gremlin at the end. 

All My Children comes on. I haven't been into it as much since we found out it was Janet who murdered Will. All the other stories in the show just haven't been as cool. I still sorta half watch, but I'm paying more attention to finishing my Batman Returns comic book. Since I can't go back to the movies every day, I'm trying to draw the movie scenes on paper like a comic book. I've had to do it in two volumes because I couldn't staple that many pages together, but that gave me an excuse to make a whole second cover. But I'm almost done - I'm getting to the part where Batman drives the water skier through the sewer to get The Penguin, but first he has to put on all the pieces of his costume. 

I keep seeing commercials for a new Batman cartoon! It's weird to actually look forward to something in September, but this show kind of looks like the movies - they even use the Danny Elfman music (I hope they actually use it in the show and not just the commercials). But now All My Children is over and the TV is mine again. I flip around a bit and I find more Bewitched but I'm not in the mood - that's more of a morning show. Heathcliff is on Nickelodeon but I'm so tired of it, I think I've seen every episode twice. I go to Prevue Guide on channel 41, just to make it easier, but I also like watching it - mostly for the movie previews they play all day. Looks like there's mostly nothing on right now, but I'm still waiting for the scroll to get to channel 45 to see if anything good will be on HBO in the next hour... Yes! Naked Gun 2½ is on at 2:35! I guess I could watch Heathcliff till then but I'm having a much better time watching commercials for Soapdish and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves over and over again. 

3:00 rolls around. This is about the time I'd usually be getting home from school so out of habit I have to check the other channels just to see if something better is on. The Disney Afternoon just started on channel 38 which means DuckTales just started, and it's a really good one: it's the one where Gyro invents a kinda stopwatch that freezes time and then the Beagle Boys steal it and use it to take all the money out of Scrooge's money bin. Honestly if I had an invention like that I'd probably steal stuff too - all the tapes from Strawberries, all the action figures from Toy Works, and all the baseball cards from Hall of Fame. Well, maybe not all - just enough so that nobody gets in trouble. I stop daydreaming and suddenly it's 3:30 and Chip 'n Dale is starting. I stay for the theme song because it's awesome, but I flip around before the show starts because it's boring and I find Merrie Melodies on channel 39. It's one of those old musical ones with characters I don't even know. So I check Nickelodeon and it's Looney Tunes -- I never knew what the difference was between this and Merrie Melodies. But today Looney Tunes is a Coyote and Roadrunner episode so I stick with it. 

By 4 I've completely forgotten about Naked Gun and now I make my daily choice between Tiny Toons on channel 39 and Beetlejuice on 25. I go to Tiny Toons first because I've been watching that pretty much every day. I end up staying there, sitting through every Creepy Crawler and Super Soaker commercial until Ninja Turtles starts at 4:30. It's the one where Irma turns into a giant. I like Irma but she's so annoying in this episode. Whatever, it's the only good thing on right now and Dad will be home soon so I only have the TV for a little bit longer. Usually I'd get to watch the Mario Super Show at 5 and Saved by the Bell at 5:30 because Oprah was on channel 5 for that whole hour and nobody watches that, but now both parents keep checking all the other news channels for "election updates". Voting is still like three months away, I don't get why we have to watch stuff about it now. 

Dad has coffee and writes in his journal, which means I get to finish Mario and start watching Saved by the Bell - it's one of the ones where they all work at the Malibu Sands Beach Resort. These episodes are weird, I miss Mr. Belding. It's 20 minutes till supper and I ask Dad if we can go hit the ball down at Bennett Field. We've been doing that a lot this summer, ever since A League of Their Own came out last month. He says there's not enough time but we can play catch in the backyard "for a few". The sun's already going going down earlier than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still hot, and bright enough to see the ball through the shadows of the trees. In case for some reason I can't sleep over Ronny's this weekend I ask if maybe we can go to the movies on Saturday. There's nothing really exciting coming out but if we do end up going we agree that Stay Tuned looks kinda funny. 

We come in and Dad watches about 5 minutes of Peter Jennings before the rigatoni is on the dining room table. Teika sits at my feet during supper, quietly and patiently waiting for any kind of food. I know not to give him garlic bread because that turns into a night of stinky farts, so I slip him buttered pasta. I try to be quiet about it but he chews so friggin' loud that we can't keep it a secret. No one's mad, Mom's just pretend mad. The same way I'm pretend mad that she didn't make any brownies. Or that I have to take a bath - which I guess is ok, I can't even remember what day I took my last one. So after supper I take the world's fastest bath and only miss the first 10 minutes of the first episode of Married... With Children, but I get to see all of the second episode at 7:30 which is great because it's the two-parter where they go to the gold mine and I like the second part more. And then Married... With Children goes right into The Simpsons at 8. It's the softball episode which is cool because it has all my favorite baseball players, but I'm tired of repeats all summer long and I have to wait more than a month for the new Simpsons season to start. 

Mom's still in the dining room doing bills at 8:30 when Superman comes on Nick at Nite. This show makes me laugh, it's so stupid. It's weird people used to think it was cool when it was new (but I don't think Superman's cool anyway). By 9 Mom's on the couch and it's time for Get Smart. It's like the opposite of Superman - it's cool that old shows could be this funny on purpose. The same goes for Dick Van Dyke which is on at 9:30. I'd say it's definitely my favorite right now - it's the one where Rob and Laura are at a hotel and Laura gets her foot stuck in the bathtub and Rob draws a mustache on his face in permanent marker. I guess the only bad thing about Dick Van Dyke is that when it's over that means it's time for bed. Although bedtime actually means two episodes of All in the Family on WNDS. After Al Kaprielian's weather report, the first episode is when Archie accidentally gives George a fake $20 bill. I never knew that some money could actually be fake - I'm gonna start reading every word on every bill I see from now on. 

The second one is when Mike is about to graduate from college and then doesn't. I wouldn't say I'm wicked tired but I am sorta closing my eyes during the commercials and even a little bit during the show - I'm starting to hear the laugh track more than the jokes. At 11 I check VH1 once more for Queen stuff, but it's Standup Spotlight instead. The volume's too low to hear what the comedian is saying, or maybe it's because I missed the beginning of the joke, but I can't understand anything that's going on. Maybe I actually am tired. I guess I should start trying to fall asleep earlier, I'm gonna have to start getting up early again in a couple weeks. I really hope Fourth Grade is way better than Third, but more than that I'll miss getting up late. I'll miss going to the store any time I want. I'll miss playing hours of Tetris and Mario 3 before lunch. I'll miss being with Mom. And I'll definitely miss a lotta TV shows. 

- Paul