Showing posts with label The Monster Squad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Monster Squad. Show all posts

3.31.2025

10 Cool Cars

Sorry if this concept feels derivative or played-out but it's a subject we've rarely tackled on this site -- and certainly never in any kinda Top 10 capacity. But don't worry, it's a little bit less of an eye-roll than it could be; there'll be no Deloreans or Batmobiles on this lineup (though I'll get damn close), but still definitely nothing super obscure. And yes, they're all cars as in fuel-injected terrestrial conveyances - so no jetpacks or skateboards (that will be an entirely separate list). Eat my rubber. 

- Paul


Deathmobile
National Lampoon's Animal House

Is it possible I've never brought up the Delta House Deathmobile before?? When I was little this part of the movie was even more exciting to me than the Belushi antics and intermittent nudity. I drew so many pictures of this car - even at school, when they'd hand out construction paper and say "make something" I often grabbed the black and red crayons and got to work on perfecting my Deathmobile artistry. Even when doodling I'd write the Delta House fraternity logo of "Triangle TX" before I knew what that stuff meant. Technically I still don't. 


Columbo's Peugeot
Columbo

"You take care of your car, it'll take care of you." It may've been old and dirty and absent of seatbelts, but this French Cabriolet was reliable enough to last the Lieutenant 10 seasons. As someone who's crashed through a handful of cars I can tell you that it's always the unstable ones that give you the most love. (Same goes for women, amirite fellas?!)


The Monkeemobile
The Monkees

This souped-up Pontiac convertible was like a bright, funner 60s Batmobile (though it was not created by the same designer as people often claim). It got way too little screentime on the show, but one of the coolest features of the car was its drag parachute that was branded with a giant Kellogg's logo from when the band did cornflakes commercials. Let's face it it, The Beatles never reached these heights. 


The Duck
Batman Returns

Speaking of brighter Batmobiles... There's so much to love about it; so rarely do bad guys get their own Villain Mobile, and this self aware rubber ducky boat/car is such an exciting splash of color in the notoriously "dark" Batman movie. Also I like how you have to do some mild detective work to figure out what it is and where it came from -- nowadays The Duck would probably have its own origin movie. (I haven't checked, it probably does.)


The Tanker Truck
Duel

Another one of the Unrecognized Universal Monsters (Spielberg had several of those) it's rusty and dusty with mystique. I've heard fan theories that it could've possibly been supernatural but that still doesn't take away from how badass it looks. Again, count our blessings that we don't have a Halloween-sized franchise exploring all the possibilities.


The Black Moon
Black Moon Rising

I don't have to explain why the titular vehicle from this 1986 Tommy Lee Jones Thriller is cool based solely on looks, do I? Look at it! It's like the LEGO version of The Wraith (and I actually mean that in a good way). But its other big draw is it can exceed 300 mph and runs on H20. Buckle up!


EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle
Stripes

I find RVs and motorhomes to be pretty ugly, but this wonderfully dated avocado camper with equally-retro curtains is actually pretty sleek. This was my first exposure to the idea of a weaponized automobile; before James Bond or even Batman this gave me my first glimpse at a regular car that could shoot guns and throw flames. I'll drive. 


Dracula's Hearse
The Monster Squad

I'll admit, I feel a little weird about The Count driving a car - it's of my opinion that anyone wearing a cape is better suited to stagecoach or sea travel. But, I suppose if Drac has to navigate the 1980s in style then a black Cadillac Hearse with a custom skull hood ornament is the way to get around town. 


The Gadgetmobile
Inspector Gadget

I typically hate the design of hatchbacks - they look like motorized fanny packs out there on the road. But Gadget's car is so stylish and slender and colorful that I always found its standard sedan version to be very attractive - regardless of all the flamboyant bullshit it can do. 


Jack's Ford Bronco
Lost

Perhaps just another symbol of how the handsome rich doctor is actually Mr. Rough-and-tumble who drives a truck. But as the unkempt pill-popping, Nirvana-blaring derelict that Jack appears to be at the end of Season 3, this early 70s brown Bronco feels appropriate. If I were stuck with a truck, this is the one I'd choose.

10.17.2022

I'll have what they're having


Not all meals require a movie, but some movies require a meal, because once you reach that moment you're gonna find yourself getting jealous of the characters on the screen. But it's always been more than that - it's about experiencing the movie on an additional sensory level. Not unlike the movie theater gimmicks used between the 1950s and 1970s (vibrating seats, Smell-O-Vision, Sensurround, barf bags, 3D), a screen-accurate food or beverage can bring you that much closer to the action. If that sounds pretentious and/or juvenile, you can go straight to hell.

This practice is a year round, lifelong thing for me, and this year and this season is certainly no exception. Obviously the centerpiece is always the Little Monsters sandwich, but as Horror Cinema dominates my viewing time, there are a handful of features that whet my appetite in an unironic way; it's never satirical like pea soup or fava beans, but there are a few that require some compromise and imagination.

Are you ready for your soup?

- Paul


Psycho - Sandwiches

More like some kinda sandwich platter with sliced bread and various spreads and condiments and toppings. Not really hearty enough for a rainy night, but the buffet-style approach is perfect for a last supper.


The Monster Squad - Burgers & fries

It looks like Burger King packaging from that time, but I can't spot the logo. It's for the best - you can choose your combo from any takeout place and still play along. 


The Witches - Soup

Soup is like the food of Children's Lit; ever since I was little I was like "soup and porridge is where it's at apparently." As a grownup, it's consistently a tepid disappointment. But I'll be cursed if this movie doesn't make it look appetizing. 


Wolf - Peanut butter & jelly

So when I think of this movie, I think of this scene first. The joke is that these are two wealthy people (played by two wealthy people) slumming it on peasant food. But despite the presence of grape jelly, they make it look so fucking good. 


Death Proof - Nachos

Quentin's gonna make any food list...
I had zero interest in nachos until Stuntman Mike made them look so disgustingly decadent. And I can attest to their sloppy goodness: I've been to the Texas Chili Parlor in Austin and had this very Grande Platter. That's commitment to a bit.


Hannibal - Paul Krendler's brain

I don't know what to tell you. Maybe not fresh outta Ray Liotta's head, but leave it to the Dr. to make it look presentable. At the very least you can join in at home with the crackers and dried fruit stuff. 


Young Frankenstein - Unspecified supper

Prior to the "yummy" Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte, there are plates of muddled black & white food that are even tougher to decipher once it's been touched. My whole life I've just assumed it's some kinda meat & potato thing with peas or other vegetables, so this movie requires a little prep work to do it right. (Or a Swanson's).


The Shining - Bacon & eggs

The kitchen is full of food and a lot of it's talked about, but the most explicit depiction of a prepared meal is also the only mildly sweet moment in this tide of terror. And it's stuff like this that always makes me wonder: is that how Jack Nicholson takes his eggs, or is it how Jack Torrance takes his eggs? I'm sure there was a discussion. 


Prince of Darkness - King of Snacks

Pizza and Chinese food?! I know this is supposed to be a phantasmagorical allegory, but Jesus. And it goes beyond that; this sorta office party/stakeout storyline demands that they also have Oreos and Kool-Aid and soda and just a whole galaxy of garbage to ease the stress of dealing with the Dark Lord. 


The Slumber Party Massacre Trilogy - Pizza

Let's face it: 'za goes with pretty much every movie ever. And then there's a long list of legit "pizza movies." And then there's the Slumber Party Massacre movies: the official year round go-to pizza-pie threesome that enhances your pepperoni proportionately to the other way around.

1.29.2022

Sit, 1987, sit. Good dog.


What do you remember about 1987?

Ok, that's not a very fair question. How about from when you were 4 years old - any milestones or trauma that stand tall in your memory? What about the small stuff - how many times did you scrape your knee or paint a picture? How many Happy Meals did you consume? These years - the first few years - may be "formative" or "psychologically impressionable" or whatever, but they're so dark & fuzzy that it makes it difficult to reminisce. And you know we gots to reminisce. Fortunately, there are photographs. 



January 1987 - 35 years ago. Several feet of snow smother the landscape, throwing divine light through my window into my little boy bedroom accented by primary colors and some weird 70s wooden plaques from Woolworth's. What was to be expected of me that day, or any other day? School was a year and a half away, my own Nintendo was 2 years away, and I never felt any sense of accomplishment in the construction of a snow angel. Through math & science, I've concluded that there was, as there'd always been, television. In between whatever toys & picture books there were, the TV - hooked up to a cable box and a VCR - was the thing. 


Married... With Children, DuckTales, and Ninja Turtles debuted that year, but I didn't settle into those grooves immediately. I was deep in the sultry glebe of Cheers, Night Court, and Moonlighting, and their respective theme songs of anthemic companionship and after-hours Soul Rock became my soundtrack of domestic wellbeing. I also shared a home with a teenage girl, and MTV and its audio/visual parade of "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now," "(I've Had) The Time of My Life," and "Wanna Dance With Somebody" created an ever-present ambience of almost-clichéd timeliness - as though there were a constant reminder that "Hey! It's the 1980s!" 


I can comb textbooks to find out what was new & what the rest of the world was into in any given year -- but at that age I really didn't care how much a gallon of gas cost. I indulged in my fair share of Double Dare and roller rinks that year, but the decade didn't necessarily dictate or define every activity I did... Having said that, birthday and holiday photos are very telling when it comes to calculating where my interests laid (or lied?). 


It's not that I was specifically into the armed forces - not in any real world sense anyway. But as I turned 4, my movie of the moment was Stripes - and predictably so: Venkman and Egon turned me on to hand grenades, army fatigues, and topless mud wrestling. Because of this, '87 had an incidental theme; much like 1989 was my Tim Burton Christmas (almost as much as 1990 was) this year was, somehow, my Ivan Reitman year.

February

October

December

If there's one great thing that came outta The Real Ghostbusters cartoon, it was that we finally got some licensed toys (as I detailed thoroughly when I covered the entire '87 Christmas haul). And much like some of the more recent installments in this ever-growing franchise, despite the quality of the continual output, it's an excuse for them to sell us more merch. And so, regardless of our collective '80s nostalgia' fatigue, bustin' continues to make us feel good. 


But outside my world of animated series and HBO, new movies were populating the theaters - big, commercial, 80s nostalgia movies. More than enough to define the year and maybe the decade. Take a look at this lineup:


Major Motion Pictures all of them. Not one of these made my Top 20. This isn't me being crass or obstinate - my choices are all mainstream, popular flagship flicks just the same. That is to say, there's a lotta great stuff from which to choose. That is also to say that these pinnacle pictures are of such great import to me that I've spent years polluting this site with in-depth love letters to most of them. So, official ranking aside, a lot of these will be brief with the bouquets. After all, when it comes to Kubrick, Carpenter, and the Coens, what more is there for me to say? (Though when it comes to Elm Street, there's still that same desire to feel the fire.)

- Paul



1. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
The best movie by the master of the '80s Teen Comedy' is a timeless, grownup Dramedy. It's also the best movie of the year - which, as I've pointed out, is no easy accomplishment. Apart from packing the biggest emotional punch, it's truly a marvel of moviemaking; how Hughes manages to deliver raw sentiment without slipping into schmaltz is a trick I'll never figure out. 

2. Beverly Hills Cop II
A 100-minute Tony Scott music video is the only way to approach it (as redundant as that sounds). Actually, to keep the theme going, it's my favorite Tony movie. It's probably my favorite Eddie movie. And what the hell, I'll finally officiate it: it's my favorite soundtrack. Take a moment to appreciate the weight of that...

3. Three O'Clock High
I've sung enough praises for this picture that I'm just about outta lyrics. Though I could add that, in this context, this Action/Drama/Horror/Teen Comedy is a compact potpourri of every genre on this list. If you've seen it I'm sure you'll agree. And if you haven't, hopefully my waning credibility in amateur film criticism has enough gas left to get you on board finally.  

4. Throw Momma From the Train
Murder. Blackmail. Motives and alibis. It taught me about Hitchcock before I knew Hitchcock. There's a lot to be said about the slapstick and sight gags and one-liners, but the actual premise is so inexplicably outrageous that the descriptive title almost doesn't do it justice. Although, Momma, Owen, and Owen's Friend Larry wouldn't be a very sultry improvement. 

5. Raising Arizona
Hillbilly humor from two of the most talented troubadours of the Western World - it was an unexpected departure because of their talents, and as a followup to much darker material. And so, an indefinable style began to emerge: one that would always be moody, funny, provocative, and wildly original. It's hard to imagine something of this caliber being released nowadays by anyone. 

6. Like Father, Like Son
Big year for Comedy here. In between Freaky Friday and Vice Versa, this was received as the 'lowbrow' body-swapping fable. I'm not sure I see it that way, but if that's the case, it's certainly the one with the best script, the best vibe, and by god the best soundtrack (Autograph, Crüe, Ramones). I dunno, I think if you try to intellectualize this kinda story, you're doing it wrong. 

7. The Monster Squad
While we're talking 'best-ofs,' here's the best Horror of the year (which, as this list proceeds, may seem like an audacious choice). It's a vampire movie, it's a werewolf movie, it's a goddamn mummy movie for chrissake -- what a refreshing departure at this point in the decade. It's a film about kids for kids, but in mood, plot, and sprawling parade of antagonists, it's a pitch perfect (though unlicensed) homage to the old Universal movies. Just accept it & don't be chickenshit. 

8. Lethal Weapon
It will forever be thought of as the explosive, buddy-cop Action Comedy that it is. Upon each viewing, one experiences the bleak, violent Melodrama that it is. The fact that it is indisputably all of these things at all times is a miracle of hardboiled fiction. 

9. Innerspace
Audrey Hepburn said, "Everything I learned I learned from the movies." We shop at the same store; and amongst all that Cinema has taught me is human anatomy - thanks to Joe Dante's SciFi Comedy with the mindless plot and the magnificent chemistry. (Not to mention the strongest visual effects that are as gorgeous as they are gruesome.)

10. Overboard
Critics weren't particularly kind to this twisted RomCom upon its release. Personally I could never get past my unconditional love for Kurt & Goldie, and this movie is a Greatest Hits Box Set of their charm and talents. And despite its far-fetched (and sometimes mean-spirited) premise, it's the second best kids' movie of the year. 

11. Predator
Action SciFi Horror - I don't know if it started in the 80s, and it certainly didn't end with the 80s, but this platter had the most pu pu in the era of Aliens and Critters. It's amazing: it's got virtuoso suspense, lurid gore, and one of the best monsters ever put on film, but what will always stay with us are the characters and the dialogue. (And that Alan Silvestri theme is a sexual tyrannosaurus.)

12. Full Metal Jacket
In the Kubrick rank, it's probably in my lower third (which is still enough to be one of the best of any given year). I completely love the structure of it and how the movie has two separate pant legs -- it's just that the second half couldn't live up to the pace and performances and the compositions of the basic training sequence. But for that first act as a standalone achievement, it's the darkest corner of Stanley's sense of humor. 

13. Hellraiser
It was to be "the future of Horror." And then it wasn't - it couldn't, it was that unprecedented; there was no way to follow in its footsteps. It introduced new fears, new mythologies, new sights to show us. You couldn't even say it was indicative of the time - some hair & wardrobe aside, it's unnervingly timeless and still packs a punch as the gothic vision of terror that it is. 

14. Stakeout
I recently watched this alongside its 1993 sequel, and no lie, it was one of the greatest movie experiences I've had in recent memory. I don't know if I was just in the right mood or what, but I felt a level of comfort and joy that had been absent from movie viewing for some time. All Double Features aside, I'll yet again advocate this movie largely for its soundtrack. 

15. The Stepfather
A Thriller though the eyes of the killer - that's hard to pull off; hard for the screenwriter, and hard for the actor. Combine Crime novelist Donald E. Westlake and greatest-actor-ever Terry O'Quinn and they make it look pretty easy. I'm always impressed when movies trick me into sympathizing with savages. 

16. Opera
Remarkable - a decade of slashers scurrying around trying to pull off the most elaborate kills, the most sickening slaughters, the most memorable mutilations. Along comes The Master to show us how it's done. There are effects and stunts and twists and camera moves and locations throughout that elevate the whole show to 'Action Giallo!' (which is exactly what I always needed it to be). 

17. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
I've poured my heart out over each entry in this franchise... except for this one. Statistically it's the "fan favorite" I guess, and I think that's because it's got a lotta plot; it's very linear and satisfying and populated with lotsa fun characters and free from a lotta the usual abstractions. And that's why it's the one I return to the least: it's so fucking button-down that I tend to get bored by its lack of "weirdness." Still though, the introduction to "MTV Freddy" and his very first theme song holds a great deal of importance to me. 

18. The Untouchables
I'm never able to say I'm a DePalma fan but I know when he makes a fun movie. I also can't credit him for making a flawless period piece - this movie is so aggressively 1987 that Boy George shoulda cameoed as Pretty Boy Floyd. But the cast as is - from Jack Kehoe to Billy Drago - is a smarmy, pulpy pastiche of violent Americana. (And Ennio's score is practically its own movie.) 

19. Harry and the Hendersons
The Bigfoot subgenre almost entirely sucks - save for this one sweet Family film that had enough heart (and money) to redeem the very idea of the entire folklore. The movie is basically a feature-length ALF episode (which is absolutely fine with me) but with slightly better makeup/animatronic effects; any time I take a look at it I'm awed by Rick Baker's now-iconic Sasquatch and I give in to that tired lament: "Man, I miss practical effects."

20. Prince of Darkness
It's hard for me to talk about this movie, because it's a hard movie to talk about. The film is a pristine John Carpenter mood and not much else. In fact, the movie wastes a lotta time insisting that it has a plot, which you would think intrudes on the bizarre atmosphere, but this obtuse, convoluted "story" only adds to the bizarre atmosphere. So to reiterate, it's a hard movie to talk about. 

5.21.2018

INTERIORS

Interesting set design can often make mediocre movies great, and great movies even better. (I can think of a few turkeys that had me coming back just to get another look at furniture placement.)
It's usually meant to set the scene, provide blocking, or further define a character... but who cares about that crap?
These particular dwellings are where we'd wanna hang out - or live - solely for the decor & ambiance, and (mostly) regardless of what transpired there in the fictional realm.

Here's 10, though I'm sure we can think of more...


Allan's apartment - Play It Again, Sam
Intended as a film geek's secret hideout - today it translates as a super chic early 70s bachelor pad: classic movie posters, robust bookshelves, ample plant life, and an enclosed music nook(!)
For my money, it's the most desirable living quarters on this or any other list.


Kenny's room - Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead
It only recently occurred to us that it was, in fact, this room that most likely killed the babysitter - thus setting off the entire chain of events that the title promises.
Ignoring the discarded food remnants and overall teenage pothead squalor, it's just about the neatest and most creative PG-13 metalhead bedroom this side of the sub genre.


Mario's Magic Shop - Pee Wee's Big Adventure
I wanted -- no, badly needed a store like this in my childhood shopping plaza: a lethal combination of comic book ads, Fangoria magazine, and the Joker's entire arsenal - all wholesale!
Pee Wee's house & yard may be badass, but that's because he shops here.
And they have gum!


The Puttermans' home - TerrorVision
The setting of this ridiculous romp actually outperforms the movie it occupies.
It's meant to be tasteless and tacky, but so much effort was expended in accumulating such an eclectic array of erotic pop art that it comes across as impressively enviable - and a motif that seems easily attainable.


Lance and Jody's home - Pulp Fiction
A charming single-family ranch in a (usually) quiet neighborhood. Comfortable surroundings - perfect for working from home. Spare room in the back can be used as an office, guest bed, or storage for unpacked boxes, a surplus of Fruit Brute, and little black fuckin' medical books.


Josh's apartment - Big
A spacious loft apartment with hardwood floors and floor-to-celing windows is open to interpretation - and it takes the innocence and the edge of a 13 year-old to really tie the room together: board games, a pinball machine, free soda, and some kinda Gumby lounger. And if you're lucky enough, you can coerce a date into jumping on your industrial size trampoline.


Heidi's apartment - The Lords of Salem
An obvious choice (from a criminally underrated flick). This is the first home in an RZ movie that isn't a house of corpses, a white trash garbage dump, or faux domesticity. This is the home of a middle-aged woman from Salem who fancies herself a bit of a low-income rock star, and her place accurately represents that: gothic art, extensive record collection, and the sleek/bleak color coordination. The demons fit right into the furnishings.


The Clubhouse - The Monster Squad
There's a handful of club & tree houses to choose from, but only one is entirely dedicated to horror cinema. Though like most of the locations on this list, we never really get enough scope to spot all the details, which only prompts repeat viewings in an attempt to catalogue all the posters, magazines, toys, and vintage Halloween paraphernalia.


Lowell's home office - The Insider
Maybe it's the excitement of embarking on a big project, or the coziness of doing it in the early grey hours of your day off in your pajamas - in any case, I've always found it implied the perfect atmosphere for watching the movie: with morning coffee, surrounded by literature and inspirational art & photography, before the day's tortious interference kicks in.


The Chelsea Drugstore - A Clockwork Orange
This movie has no shortage of luscious locales: Alex's room, Mr. Alexander's home, the milk bar... but this was the first to spring to mind -- perhaps because I've fantasized my whole life of record & media shops looking this way, only to find myself in a landscape of Best Buys and Circuit Cities.
The future may've been violent as predicted, but it's certainly not this colorful.

10.23.2017

It's almost time...


BEST SCORE
Zombie (1979)- Fabio Frizzi
Suspiria (1977) - Goblin
Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) - Wojciech Kilar

SCARIEST MONSTERS
The Exorcist (1973) - Captain Howdy
Alien (1979) - Xenomorph
Twilight Zone: The Movie - "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" (1983) - Gremlin

BEST POP SONGS
Lords of Salem (2012) - "All Tomorrow's Parties" The Velvet Underground
The House of the Devil (2009) - "One Thing Leads to Another" The Fixx
Little Monsters (1989) - "Magic of the Night" Billie Hughes


Tales of Halloween (2015) > Trick 'r Treat (2007)


AUTUMNAL
Flesh Eater (1988)
The VVitch (2015)
Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (1987)

THE HOLIDAY
Halloween II (2009)
Ginger Snaps (2000)
Night of the Demons (1988)

SCREAM QUEENS
Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Linnea Quigley
Danielle Harris


Critters (1986) Ghoulies (1984)

GOREZONE
City of the Living Dead (1980)
Hellraiser (1987)
À l'intérieur (2007)

MIDNIGHT MOVIES
Tombs of the Blind Dead (1972)
The Severed Arm (1973)
Malatesta's Carnival of Blood (1973)

HORROR/NOT HORROR
Bone Tomahawk (2015)
Don't Look Now (1973)
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992)


Dolls (1987) > Puppet Master (1989)

HOME IS WHERE THE HORROR IS
The Entity (1983)
Pulse (1988)
House (1986)

NEW WAVE
The Monster (2016)
The Devil's Candy (2017)
The Blackcoat's Daughter (2017)

NATURE
The Curse II: The Bite (1989)
Slugs (1988)
Them! (1954)

BEST POSESSION: Craig T. Nelson, Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)


SCIENCE
Contamination (1980)
Chopping Mall (1986)
Arcade (1994)

BEST PARENTS
Stephen Macht & Mary Ellen Trainor, The Monster Squad (1987)
Holmes Osbourne & Mary McDonnell, Donnie Darko (2001)
Bill Pullman & Amy Brenneman, Casper (1995)

SCARIEST USE OF A BROOM
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
The Boston Strangler (1968)
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)


BEST PERFORMANCE BY A VOORHEES: Deborah Voorhees, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)


BEST POSTERS
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
GhostHouse (1988)
The Video Dead (1987)