ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XXI: "The Terror" and Di Fara Pepperoni Pizza

Roger holds an astounding number of film credits - mostly in the Producing role. At the beginning of his career, he was perhaps the most prolific Director of all time, shooting over two dozen movies between 1955 and 1960; Little Shop of Horrors holds the record for the shortest shooting schedule on a feature film, totaling two days and one night. His drive and resourcefulness and frugality only ever yielded mediocre but profitable results. Eventually this haunted house of cards would collapse.

Immediately after the fast-paced production of The Raven, Corman decided to squeeze one more gothic tale out of the lavish sets that had been built. And so, instead of adapting yet another Poe tale, he had the idea to mimic the author's style with an original story called The Terror (1963). What followed was what he called "the longest production of my career," taking nine months to complete and directing duties being passed from Corman to a literal crowd of otherwise amateur filmmakers: Francis Ford Coppola, Monte Hellman, Dennis Jakob, Jack Hale, Jack Hill, and the film's star, Jack Nicholson. The chaotic rhythm and convoluted storyline of the finished movie kinda reflects the troubled production, but overall it's a pretty steady, drab Castle Drama with adequate atmosphere and really big rugs. Boris Karloff shot for two days on this and he's peppered throughout the film enough to make you feel like he's actually part of this. Dick Miller is his butler with a Bronx accent, and Sandra Knight is the ghost of his dead wife. Or is she? Who the hell knows, the script/story changes are really too maddening to follow; the movie's easiest parts to understand are when people are just strolling silently through the giant hallways. (Jack Nicholson constantly being thwarted by crafty spirits in a giant empty building conjured up plenty of Shining jokes.) Really the most notable thing is Jack; he may've honed his craft over the decades to come, but really, the charisma has always been right there, front & center. Not that he's entirely convincing as an officer in the French military, but he's totally believable as Jack.

A rating of 9.4 "as reviewed by Dave Portnoy" is advertised on the box. That's the second time this guy's name has come up in our frozen pizza ventures and we still kinda don't know or care who he is -- besides, who needs this stooge when you've got Bennett Media taste testing for you already? And we're here to tell you that Di Fara Pepperoni Pizza isn't quite a 9.4, but it doesn't have some big strengths. Firstly, you can tell by the box that they're trying to appear lighter, fancier, all natural, free of dyes and poisons and all the other popular promises, and on that front they succeeded; there is a noticeable freshness in its crispy crust that isn't always present in the world of ice cube dough. Really the only failure in their faux fanciness is the addition of big basil leaves - two to be exact, so if you're a fan of mouthfuls of leafy garnish, you'd better hope you get one of the designated "basil slices". The one element that definitely veers away from the health food vibe and more into cheap disgusting party food is the pepperoni - as in, the pepperoni cups. That's when the pepperoni slices create little durable concave containers of grease, which is a phenomenon that doesn't occur in every brand of frozen pizza. But when it does, it's pure magic.

The Movie: C-

The Pizza: B

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XX: "Eat My Dust" and Taste of Inspirations Four Meat Brewery Crust Pizza

Roger Corman movies will forever be synonymous with the phrase "Exploitation Cinema" - which was never accidental, nor derogatory. And under that umbrella he explored many (if not most) of the major and minor subgenres: Creature Feature, Sexploitation, Women in Prison, Psychedelic, Teen Deviance, Bikers, and that most indicative of the 1970s, Carsploitation. 

1976 marked the beginning of Corman's relationship with Ron Howard when Roger sent him the script for Eat My Dust. Ron agreed to star in it with the hopes of eventually getting the opportunity to direct a feature for Corman (which ended up being 1977's Grand Theft Auto), but otherwise thought it sounded "terrible;" and described it as a "zany car chase comedy with weak jokes and cardboard characters." In hindsight, that is the literal premise of the picture, and also an unwaveringly objective review. Ron plays Hoover, the son of the town sheriff, who steals a Chevy Camaro from the town's racetrack to impress superficial floozy Darlene. The two of them lead the town on a two-day car chase full of rural California backroads and hick humor and fiddle music. Most of the car stunts are fun and sometimes impressive, and really that's all we're here for. And while none of the jokes are actually funny, it's a much funner hangout to watch a Chase Film that does everything it can to let you know that it won't end in bloodshed; nothing is spoiled by letting you know that they didn't drive Richie Cunningham off a cliff as an analogy for some sociopolitical commentary. Actually, it has a decidedly happy ending that's almost thought-provoking (and for big bonus points takes place on Halloween).

The point of pairing these movies with frozen pizza was always meant to be an obvious metaphor for high quality in low places. But that parallel kinda fizzles when the pizza tries so hard to be classy, which is clearly the case with Taste of Inspirations Four Meat Brewery Crust Pizza. (You get all that?) Sure the pretentious name is off-putting, but the even more unappetizing thing is the bland box it came in; the mandatory closeup of the pizza texture is excusable, but the diminutive serif typeface looks like nutrition facts. To balance out the froofiness we reached down for the lowbrow Four Meat selection, topped with Italian Sausage, Pepperoni, Hamburger, and Bacon. As usual they're all a bit indiscernible when you mash 'em together like that, but the results were actually quite good - and a lotta that had to do with their fancy ass "malted barley crust" they're pushing. (We couldn't organically work in an "Eat My Crust" pun anywhere so consider this that.) But the most remarkable thing is how the actual cooked pizza is identical to the picture on the box. That's a truth in advertising that was almost nonexistent when it came to posters for Roger Corman movies. 

The Movie: C

The Pizza: B

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XIX: "Watchers II" and Dave Portnoy's One Bite Five Cheese Pizza

Of all the "formulas" (some real, some rumored) utilized by Roger Corman, they're all meant to land on the same conclusion: profitability. Sure he expected quality as well, so when his company put out a good movie made for cheap that managed to be profitable, he would put another formula into play: The Sequel. 

The first Watchers movie (which we saw very recently so expect comparisons) was released in theaters in 1988 and did very little business. However (and predictably) it prospered as a video rental. And so, directly onto tape came Watchers II in 1990, recycling basically the same story as the first one, which isn't weird since they're both based off the same singular novel by Dean Koontz. We thought the biggest strength of the first movie was its charming domestic core of a boy and his mom trying to rescue the family pet from bad guys. The sequel (which supposedly is more faithful to the book) leans heavy into the science/military perspective, and our two main characters are literally a solider (Marc Singer as Guile from Street Fighter II) and a scientist (Tracy Scoggins as Laura Palmer's cousin Maddy). Their chemistry is forced but pleasant; they never get annoying, but we never get invested. But truly unlike the first movie, the monster (called The Outsider) actually gets screen time - a ton of it (which might not be a good thing). In appearance it looks like an updated colorized version of so many rubber monsters that haunted so many black & white B-Movies of the past (many of them from Corman), but more specifically a combination of the transformed Dr. Z in Zaat and the Gargoyle from The Terror Within. It's adequately icky, but it's completely undermined by the stuntman's performance: he stumbles and waves his arms around comically and constantly like the robot from Lost in Space (or, more appropriately, a B-Movie monster with a rubber suit). Stuff like that makes us appreciate performances like Kevin Peter Hall as the Predator and how some menacing choreography can make all the difference.

We didn't know who Dave Portnoy was. We kinda continue to not know who he is - a quick search proved to be just boring enough to be almost sedative; despite our role in this medium, "Internet Personalities" aren't really our thing. But the one relevant phrase that popped up was the concept of "one bite", in which you're meant to provide a rating of a pizza's quality after just one bite. Coincidentally (or is it ironically) the first bite of this One Bite Five Cheese Frozen Pizza isn't particularly pleasant. Think of how many frozen pizzas advertise "Three Cheese" or "Four Cheese" or "Five Cheese" or "Every Cheese Ever" and in the end, it just tastes like one singular nondescript cheese. But in the case of this recipe, the mix comes across as aggressively salty/sour, and there's a ton of it; it combines Provolone, Asiago, Parmesan, Romano, and "low moisture" Mozzarella, and it makes for a beautiful color & texture that most closely resembles a Ninja Turtles cartoon, but the flavor is, at best, just okay. Actually, the closer you get to the crust as the cheese ratio begins to regulate itself, the closer it comes to nearly excellent pizza. But dude, you're gonna need way more than one bite to get there. 

The Movie: C+

The Pizza: B

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XVIII: "Slumber Party Massacre II" and Red Baron Brick Oven Supreme

"Wildly Original" is never a phrase that's given to a movie produced by Roger Corman, and that's okay (and kinda the point); the movies that were funded and/or released through his companies were built on familiarity. "Sure bets." Genre pictures designed/disguised as homages, spinoffs, and sometimes legitimate remakes. He'd produce half a dozen Women's Prison Pictures that were all basically the same, but on paper had nothing to do with each other. So whenever he initiated an honest-to-god sequel, you knew it was special. 

Then again, the idea of a "sequel" was, in and of itself, an homage to the 80s Slasher wave. That wave included 1982's The Slumber Party Massacre, which earned Corman & Co. $3.6 million (on a $220,000 budget). And since there was nothing passé about tacking a numeral onto the end of a recycled title, why not drill the same hole? Slumber Party Massacre II was conceived, advertised, sold, written, shot, and released in 1987 (and in that order). Per usual, apart from the supposed Roger Corman "mandates" (nudity/violence) Roger gave free creative reign to writer/director Deborah Brock, and hot damn! did she take advantage of that freedom. The first movie was a generalized satire of Slashers and the assigned gender roles in Horror - campy, but still aimed to scare. Nothing is "generalized" about the satire here: this is a full-blown Comedy Horror Musical (in that order) that pulls way less from Halloween and way more from Elm Street, while still being its own thing entirely. Slasher Flicks typically have long lulls of nothing as a phony means of creating "suspense" -- in place of that, this movie has original songs performed on camera by the whole cast. Even without comparing it to any other movie or category, it has a reckless energy that actually almost feels experimental. When we hear "1980s Cult VHS Exploitation" we're only ever hoping for something exactly like this. 

Also, whenever we hear "frozen pizza" we're really hoping for something like Red Baron - it's basically the standard that all the others have to live up to. And sometimes it's just too damn stressful to "fuck around and find out" and just stick to what you already know best - and this is best. Actually, this specific variety of toppings is new to us, but with a name like Red Baron Supreme, how could one go wrong? Obviously in 'za terms, "Supreme" just means lotsa stuff on it, and in this case is means sausage, green & red peppers, pepperoni, and onions. It's a true testament to its quality that none of these ingredients actually compromise the pizza in any way, but instead they magnify it. By some miracle of culinary arts & sciences, the peppers and onions on this frozen ass pizza taste completely fresh -- some wizardry that most definitely utilized some not-so-fresh methods to create that illusion. Whatever, this activity was never about nutrition, it's about total sensory gratification, and all those requirements were met. 

The Movie: A

The Pizza: A

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XVII: "Watchers" and Jack's Pull-Apart Pizza Sticks Pepperoni

At some point in his career, it became a known fact that Roger Corman "demanded" that some form of violence or nudity should take place on every 15 pages of the script. When eventually asked about this, Roger laughed it off, admitting that it might have been the case on a few specific productions but that it's not his consistent work ethic. And of course, that's entirely obvious to anyone who's seen only just a handful of his films. 

Case in point: 1988's Watchers, an Action Adventure yarn about a boy and his dog on the run from bad guys and a big hairy monster. If that sounds fun and charming, that's because it really kinda is. Based off a Dean Koontz book, it rehashes that familiar midpoint between Short Circuit and Man's Best Friend, in which a kid (Corey Haim) befriends a stray dog with genetically modified intelligence, and Michael Ironside as the ruthless government guy trying to get the dog back. Oh and there's also some genetically modified ape beast also after the dog, and unlike the old black & white Corman creatures of yesteryear, the filmmakers were obviously just too damn embarrassed to ever really show it to us; at best, we get some glimpses of a murky combination of the goblins of Nilbog, the troll from Ernest Scared Stupid, and Fluffy from Creepshow. But it doesn't really matter, it's the carnage that the monster leaves in its path that's the real fx spectacle; beyond making the point that obviously not all Roger Corman movies were packed with Exploitation hallmarks, the gore in this film is sparse, but very notable. Real life Corey Haim girlfriend Lala plays his movie girlfriend, but she sits out most of the game, so instead we get Barbara Williams as Corey's cool mom / a female lead, resulting is what almost accidentally becomes a really sweet dysfunctional family fable. 

 

Keeping with the theme of "genetically modified", here's another specimen that does not occur naturally in the universe: Jack's Pull-Apart Pizza Sticks. Ideally, they're sorta long slender pizza rolls, all kinda fused together, allowing you to pull them apart. On paper it's all a very wonderful idea, but in reality something clearly went wrong. It's really hard to determine as to whether they were going for "crispy" or "doughy" with the outer crust, leaving us with something that more closely resembles "chalky". Ultimately that creates something that can be best described as a "rolled up Ellio's Pizza" - which really isn't a bad thing in any scenario... Still though, the thought of "cheese and sauce and pepperoni filled breadsticks" is something that someone's gotta perfect in the future. Somebody get Michael Ironside on this ASAP. 

The Movie: B+

The Pizza: C-

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part XVI: "Rock 'n' Roll High School" and Bagel Bites Three Cheese

It's an accomplishment on its own to work steadily in the movie business for 70 years, but to average between 6-9 productions per year during that stretch is how someone becomes a legend. Furthermore, to be a part of (and a major contributor to) an art form over such a vast and dynamic period of time, eventually the old work becomes nostalgia and the new stuff becomes self-referential. 

When Rock 'n' Roll High School was released in 1979, it wasn't necessarily a criticism of its time, but instead a sorta parody of the way things were; the establishment wasn't nearly as concerned with the evils of Rock 'n' Roll music as they were in the 50s and 60s (this was still before the Heavy Metal/Satanic Panic period of the 1980s). But at the time it was hip to both mock and also idealize that era that already seemed so long ago - this movie followed the release of Animal House, Grease, and Happy Days, and it's better than all of them. To be fair this doesn't actually take place in the 50s, it just borrows its sensibilities. High School delinquent Riff Randell (P. J. Soles) cares more about her favorite Punk Rock group The Ramones than her studies, and her passion is contagious to her peers and infuriating to her fascist Principal (Mary Woronov). That's really it for "plot" but if you've seen it then you know it's just enough of a framework for the funny and exciting tomfoolery that transpires throughout. There's a tangental teen romance thread that's useless -- the real power of this film comes from the equally commanding performances of P. J. and Mary - their enthusiasm as actors matches that of their characters. And also the Ramones performances which are invaluable moments to be preserved on film. Very few Roger Corman productions demonstrate this level of energy, devotion, and talent. 

Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening... According to Ms. Randell, The Ramones only ever eat pizza. So you know what they say: When pizza's on a bagel... Unlike their older, fatter cousin The Pizza Roll, these are a lot lighter, less filling, and you get fewer of them. Also, despite the bold promise of "Three Cheese" they couldn't seem to get enough to cover each Bite. Having said all of that, these are actually very ok: the "cheese and sauce" does indeed taste like the frozen pizza experience, but what's most remarkable is the accuracy of the bagel experience. These aren't just little bread discs that happen to resemble the shape and color of a bagel, but also flavor and texture as well! Pretty stupendous considering they've lived most of their lives as frozen chunks in a plastic bag. 

The Movie: A

The Pizza: B

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part XV: "Munchies" and Ellio's Cheese Pizza

An homage works best when it's good enough to get you to forget what it's homaging. Then, there are those that remind you of the source material at every turn, and Roger Corman not only sought out the "knock offs" but he put in extra effort towards knocking them off as accurately as possible because, clearly, why shouldn't the formula work a second time? 

Munchies (1987) was directed by Bettina Hirsch, who was the editor of 1984's Gremlins, and obviously that wasn't an accident. Harvey Korman plays an archeologist who finds a small creature with a funny Frank Welker voice in a cave in Peru. He smuggles it back to the U.S. and Harvey's twin brother (also Harvey Corman, in a wig and a fake mustache that's one breeze away from falling off) steals the creature, probably for some monetary gain (can't really remember). In the struggles of kidnapping we learn that cutting the creature into pieces only creates more of them, and soon we have a gang of "Munchies". The biggest threats they pose are making messes and lewd comments; if you were to rank them alongside the Gremlins, Critters, Ghoulies, and Hobgoblins, the Munchies would be dead last - you're never not aware that it's just puppeteers moving their hands around. The movie is colorful, funny, and fast paced -- or, it wants to be all those things but it never really gets out of the breakdown lane and completely runs outta gas 20 minutes before its 83 minute runtime peters out. With a sorta animated opening credit sequence and a music score meant to mimic Pee-wee's Big Adventure, the vibe is nearly there. It's just too damn dull. 

If DiGiorno is made to resemble the quality of delivery pizza, Ellio's is always front & center to represent frozen pizza in its truest form. This square-cut staple of youth may already be familiar to most of you; never enough cheese to cover the sauce, never enough sauce to cover the crust, and yet all the proportions are scientifically balanced for a satisfying experience. As a kid it came with the big initial hurdle of "What the hell is this, this isn't what pizza is like!" but slowly the realization creeps up on you, "Oh, this tastes just like Ellio's!". And so to reevaluate after however many years and decades: there's not enough cheese, or sauce, or even enough food, but goddammit it tastes just like Ellio's! 

The Movie: C

The Pizza: B

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part XIV: "Avalanche" and DiGiorno Rising Crust Ultimate Pepperoni

We're all aware of the Disaster Movie boom of the 1970s, but I think we forget or don't realize just how much this formulaic sub genre dominated the decade. Beyond cruise ships and airplanes and skyscrapers, there were hurricanes and fires and floods and earthquakes and blimps and bees - a shit ton of bees. The academy often recognized these movies with technical awards (sometimes they even earned Acting and Picture nominations) but ultimately they were received just as hokey and predictable as they are today. 

Roger Corman had previously purchased a Japanese movie called Submersion of Japan, cut it down, shot new scenes with American actors, and released it as Tidal Wave. Proving mildly successful, Roger poured a ton of money (between 4-6 million) into a Disaster Movie he could build from the ground up: 1978's Avalanche, starring Mia Farrow and Rock Hudson. The first half (actually the first two thirds) plays out as a cross between Poseidon Adventure and Jaws, with party people all having their own plots at a ski lodge, and Robert Forster warning everyone that they've got to get off the mountain or else. But that's what you do with Disaster Movies (and also Roger Corman movies): you compare them to their influences and contemporaries, and so it's definitely notable that not only does Avalanche hold its own against the dozens of dumb movies it copies, but it's actually kinda better. There are obviously a few FX shots that are slightly less than believable, but all the practical effects and stunts and locations are top drawer - it's not an Irwin Allen production but you can see where the money went. But unlike most Disaster Pictures, the avalanche happens way late in the movie, and so the true miracle here is that the writing and performances keep it interesting for that first 60 of its 90 minute runtime. Back then it may've seemed like Robert Forster was like a poor man's Gene Hackman or Paul Newman, but as he proves here (much as he always did, right up until the end of his career) that he was never the poor man's anything. 

"It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno!" If you're not familiar with the ad campaign, the slogan is meant to suggest that this frozen store-bought pizza is just as good as frozen delivery pizza. As if! But seriously, DiGiorno can make that claim probably because of their uncommonly thick crust. Basically it's a loaf of bread. With toppings, Ultimately that makes it a bitch to cook evenly, but at any rate it makes a hearty meal. So, the low budget pie with lotsa padding masquerading as its bigger budget competition. The parallels aren't subtle, but sometimes cheaper is better, less is more, and phony matte paintings pair well with bioengineered food ingredients. 

The Movie: B

The Pizza: B+

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part XIII: "The Wasp Woman" and Stranger Things Palace Arcade Pepperoni Pizza

A few years before Roger Corman found a reliable home on the SciFi channel, he produced a series of features for Showtime, under the banner Roger Corman Presents. While technically still "TV Movies", the lack of limitations on a premium cable channel environment allowed the traditional graphic Corman content to thrive. This "series" was definitely a high point in the filmography. 

A lot of the Roger Corman Presents movies were remakes of his older stuff (they actually made a third version of Not of This Earth) and in 1995 Jim Wynorski directed an "update" of 1959's The Wasp Woman. In this one, Jennifer Rubin plays an aging cosmetics mogul/model who feels she no longer has the beauty or the youth to be the face of her own company; in her profession she's constantly surrounded by a slew of bimbos in tight dresses (because Roger Corman, but mostly because Jim Wynorski) and so there's a bit of catty competition at play. Out of desperation she volunteers to be a test subject for an anti aging/rejuvenation serum made from wasp hormones. The experiment works, making her beautiful -- and bad; not surprisingly she turns into a giant wasp. Not in a gradual Jeff Goldblum kinda way but more like a werewolf back-and-forth deal, and she can seem to turn it on and off whenever. The transformation process employs 90s morphing technology, which may've been the lowest period in all of visual effects, but as a giant wasp (that maintains human female cleavage) the costume is just menacing and awkward enough to be unironically creepy. There's a predictable climax involving a cave and cocoons and an explosion and all the stuff you'd expect, but there's a true comfort in that predictability. 

The full name is Netflix Stranger Things Surfer Boy Palace Arcade Pepperoni Pizza. (In the time it takes to say it Season 5 will have finally begun.) They previously released Surfer Boy Pizza as a tie-in to Season 4 but these are a legitimate upgrade, with artwork that's unique to the upcoming finale, as well as a sticker(!) inside each box. Yes, that's right, Pizza Box Prizes! That's enough to boost the experience a whole letter grade, but even without novelty adhesives we award bonus points for the generous helping of pepperoni -- no redistribution of the toppings was necessary before it went into the oven. Which brings us to the oven. If you've kept up with this series you may remember our temperamental oven that requires a blowing-up-the-Death-Star level of timing -- one minute too soon or too long and we end up choking down triangles of disappointment. We burnt the bottoms a bit too much on these so the crust became somewhat of a chore, though we try not to deduct for faulty equipment. We can't say it's entirely Surfer Boy quality, but it's definitely better than just about anything else Netflix puts out. 

The Movie: B

The Pizza: A-

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part XII: "Dinoshark" and Totino's Combination Pizza Rolls

In the early 2000s, the SciFi Channel publicly disclosed that they'd intended on producing "Roger Corman-esque" feature films for their station. Upon hearing this, Roger Corman contacted SciFi and suggested that they start making real Roger Corman movies. And so, the partnership was born. 

In 2010, after several years of various Creature Features for the channel, Roger and Julie Corman added Dinoshark to the roster. It follows a prehistoric killer fish that gets birthed after some stock footage glaciers crumble into the ocean, freeing the ancient eggs out into the world - all the way to the beaches of Mexico where it interrupts the lives of some attractive people who'd rather be doing fun, sexy things but now they gotta deal with this bullshit. It features Eric Balfour cruising around in a speedboat halfheartedly warning some select acquaintances about the Dinoshark, and also Iva Hasperger taking care of the science stuff and going as far to seek out the wisdom of a dino expert played by Roger Corman. We're in Made-For-TV territory so the sex is relegated to a few gratuitous bikini shots and the violence is mostly ocean water turning red (though some bitten-in-half remains wash ashore and it's pretty gnarly). The Dinoshark itself is sadly too sparse and abstract to be scary or funny - though they do use a physical sculpted head for some closeups which is a little more effective. But mostly it's just a goofy carton fish that they wisely show very little of. 

You know what they say about pizza rolls: "Betcha can't eat just 50!" Because of the dynamics of this classic pizza dish we were able to utilize our Full Moon French Fry Air Fryer, which resulted in minimal to no pizza goo spillage from the "rolls". Otherwise they came out as consistent and reliable as they're known to be, but that observation comes with decades of pizza roll wisdom. If you're not familiar with them, their taste and texture resembles no elements found in your everyday 'za, so the barometer is in a whole other ballpark -- perhaps not unlike our motion picture today; a Made-For-TV Roger Corman SciFi Original Movie comes with specific expectations that may not match those of a movie of a different genre, budget, etc. And while Corman's Drive-In days offered more exciting content than cable, Totino's Pizza Rolls were better when they were Jeno's Pizza Rolls (before the rebrand back in 1993). Point is, we're forced to redirect standards all the time. 

The Movie: C-

The Pizza: A-

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part XI: "The Young Nurses" and Totino's Ultimate Pizza Uncured Pepperoni

Roger rarely stopped working, if ever; vacations were often just an excuse for scouting new shooting locations. The workload was so great that his wife, Julie, often took on many responsibilities - up to and including the sole credited Producer. 

New World Pictures began financing "Nurse" movies in 1970 (the year Roger and Julie got married), and 1973's The Young Nurses was their fourth in this very specific subgenre. Like the others, it's an Altmanesque Melodrama that starts off like a lighthearted Nudie picture but then gradually beings to spiral into darker conflicts; apart from peripherally addressing social issues like Women's Lib and healthcare bureaucracy, there's also a menacing thread about violent drug dealers. That's not to say that there aren't plenty of fun elements; Kitty (Jeane Manson) has a sexy fling with one of her patients (that includes a very memorable kite-flying scene), and Joanne (Ashley Porter) asserts her Girl Power at one point by stripping nude and marching into the ocean. But it's Michelle (Angela Gibbs giving the best performance in the film) who's caught in her own Blaxploitation movie that provides this Soap Opera Skin Flick with an exciting edge. 

Totino's is obviously best known for their pizza rolls (though old folks like us remember them under the "Jeno's" label), but now they've unleashed the regular-shaped "Ultimate Pizza". It's difficult to determine which characteristics of this pizza make it "ultimate" - they maybe bent the truth a bit to boost sales. Nevertheless, the results are actually quite remarkable. First impression was that it tasted like a flat, crunchy pizza roll, but that illusion mostly melted away as a gooier, greasier pizza came into focus. Our oven sucks so it was impossible to brown the cheese without blackening the crust, but as it is it came out as a gelatinous fatty delight that frozen pizza rarely pulls off. They're needlessly small, but cheap, so get yourself two. Or, if you're like us, three. 

The Movie: C+

The Pizza: B+ 

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part X: "Crime Zone" and Cheez-It Italian Four Cheese Pizza

The sort of convenience of the "B-Movie" is that you were stuck with it -- you'd paid your money, you had your seat (or parking spot), you'd already taken in the headline feature, and now it was time for the wild card. Cut to decades later and it's 12:05 am and you're watching HBO or USA or TNT and you're definitely in for the evening but don't plan on sleeping -- they had specific low budget exploitative programming for that scenario too. It's only when it came to physical media, and now streaming, that we were given the option to seek out and commit to these ham & cheese heroes spunky cinema. And it's only the purveyors and connoisseurs of the Fine Arts like you and us who know what to look for and where to find it. 

To describe a film as a "Roger Corman Movie" is actually a pretty broad descriptor; while they all have a lotta elements in common they fell under a pretty wide spectrum of genres (and subgenres, and sub-subgenres). Crime Zone from 1988 falls into the Bleak Urban Orwellian Future category - you know, where everything takes place in damp warehouses. It very much wants to be Blade Runner but really it shares a shelf with 1988's Space Mutiny; a futuristic police state where all the wacky laws are told to us through expository dialogue. Ultimately all that translates to is trench coats and concrete interiors with enough neon signs to make you think someone in the art department had a glass blowing studio in their apartment. The movie stars Sherilyn Fenn and Peter Nelson as an outlaw couple who decide to rage against the machine with the help of a morally ambiguous David Carradine. Big or small budget, this setup can be pretty tedious -- and Crime Zone is no exception. If anything this type of setting can usually allow room for some striking visuals, but the cheapness of the production is literally left in the dark - to the point that hardly anything is visible. Like a lotta Corman movies, it was "based on an idea" he had, and then no one really bothered to fill in the blanks. 

A lot can be said for new or crazy or exciting "ideas" but putting them into action in a competent way is where the magic happens. Elaine Benes one said "It'll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza." Nearly three decades later and here we are, putting mozzarella, cheddar, parmesan, romano, and tomato sauce on a giant cheese cracker - but not just any cracker, a big ass Cheez-It! To be fair, it's just a Cheez-It-flavored crust -- and to be even more fair, it totally does taste like a Cheez-It. If you go into it blindly it might not be immediately recognizable under all the toppings, but if you're intellectually prepared it hits hard and fast. The trick it to cook it exactly long enough to make it as crispy as the cracker from which it derives... if that's what you're going for. This is a good opportunity to point out that the democracy of this series dictates that we're to determine a letter grade average for these subjects, and there was a sizable difference of opinion when it came to this pizza. But from any vantage point, if you want a pizza made from Cheez-Its, this is as real as it gets. 

The Movie: D+

The Pizza: C

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part IX: "The Bees" and Tony's Meat-Trio Pizza

The majority of Roger Corman productions made money - that's due largely to the fact that he rarely spent money, and when it shows, it shows. But even beyond ticket sales, these movies managed to make a profit in other ways. 

In the case of 1978's The Bees, Roger supposedly took a sizable check from Warner Bros. providing he would delay the release of the film until their own bee movie, The Swarm, had its run in theaters. Regardless of whether or not that was a good deal, the quality of The Bees wouldn't have helped its chances; it's basically the boring 1950s SciFi snoozer updated for the "Natural Horror" trend of the 1970s. An extremely plot-heavy story cuts back and forth between bureaucratic jargon and pseudo science stuff, but sometimes there's a break and we get to watch John Saxon and Angel Tompkins flirt their way through actual swarms of bees, often creating a confusing mood throughout the picture. When the fake bees show up and attack unsuspecting character actors and bell-bottomed extras it gets amusing but not enough to sustain all 83 minutes. It could have been much shorter considering there's enough stock footage in here to make an entirely separate movie consisting only of fighter planes and Eisenhower-era civilians running through city streets.

 

While it was entirely free of graphic violence and nudity, it was still very much the stereotypical Roger Corman production - it was just more Atomic Age than Disco Age. The same can be said of Tony's frozen pizzas which have been around as long as we can remember (though most folks will tell you the recipe has changed over time). The reason it's sustained for so many decades is because it lives up to the very idea of what a frozen pizza should be; it meets expectations in a psychologically pleasing way. We're not seeking gourmet cuisine, we know it's just a circular ice cube of processed cheese and sauce but that's still a standard, and despite any changes in its elements, Tony's still meets that standard: flavorful, crispy, consistent, cheap. The generic "meat-trio" of toppings actually didn't add or take away much but that's only because all the basic ingredients were on-point. You get what you expect -- sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. Case in point:

The Movie: D+

The Pizza: B+

 

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part VIII: "Sorority House Massacre" and Chuck E. Cheese Pepperoni Pizza

The way Corman was able to be involved in hundreds of films in his lifetime is because "involved" is used very loosely. There were times when he wrote or directed a picture, but most often he financed them. Many times he'd simply contribute an idea, or a title, or a poster. Sometimes he just lent his name as clout. Many credit him for movies that were distributed by his studio. Suffice to say his presence in a lotta productions was peripheral at best. 

 

Sorority House Massacre (1986) was rumored to have Roger Corman as an uncredited Executive Producer (whatever that means). At any rate, it was produced to capitalize on the success of Slumber Party Massacre (another Corman production) and it was released under Concorde Pictures (Roger's company) so all the boxes are checked. But while this movie shares some superficial DNA with the Slumber Party movies (nightgowned girls get stabbed) everything else is entirely different. Sorority House Massacre follows college student Beth who is haunted by nightmares and flashbacks of the night her brother killed the rest of their family when she was just a little kid. And this weekend - the weekend Beth joins the sorority - her brother escapes from the mental hospital to find her and finally complete his task. And yes, once the slashing begins way late in the film it does indeed borrow heavily from the Halloween movies. But for the first two thirds this feels entirely like an Elm Street film -- but better! Freddy sorta set the standard for kitschy 1980s surrealism - usually as an indicator that he was about to appear on screen. This movie uses mood and slow motion and inserts as padding to bulk up the runtime to a robust 74 minutes, but in doing so they create an atmospheric dreamscape of striking imagery and honest-to-god gorgeous cinematography. It's always easier to get away with a "party" atmosphere, but this movie shuns that vibe as best it can, and while a move like that can place it dangerously close to becoming boring, it instead becomes creepy and suspenseful.

 

Speaking of boring... We're actually not familiar with the cuisine of Charles Entertainment Cheese - we grew up with the commercials but not close enough to any of the restaurant locations. Though it's entirely doubtful that it would've made a difference in this situation; while the in-person eatery quality probably wasn't along the lines of artisan pies, they had to be at least somewhat fresher and more full-bodied than these frozen soda crackers. One minute less and it was a flaccid disc of pizza stew, but that extra 60 seconds perfected it into the firm cardboard it was probably meant to be. Can't really judge the cheese because there was so little of it, so as usual all the responsibility falls onto the topping, and somehow the pepperoni managed to maintain a sense of vibrancy and flavor. So in the end this was merely a delivery device for some zesty meat. 

The Movie: A-

The Pizza: C-

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part VII: "Creature From the Haunted Sea" and Bettergoods Italian Wood-Fired Margherita Pizza

The #1 reason Roger Corman is so lauded is because of how many people he helped along the way - not just burgeoning young filmmakers but established ones as well, helping to distribute Fellini and Kurosawa movies to U.S. audiences. He used his powers for good, and he obtained those powers from making his own movies - which weren't always good. 

Creature From the Haunted Sea is a 1961 Action Horror Comedy directed by Roger himself (though it's incredibly skimpy on those three elements). It's a Spy Movie and a Monster Movie, but technically it's a sendup of all the genres it attempts: when the budget's this low and the quality's this bad, maybe some cheap laughs will distract you. And there are a few genuinely funny lines, but a lotta the buffoonery falls flat to the point that you're not laughing with it or at it. The movie starts with a very promising animated sequence as an expository device, but the exposition carries over into the feature as our lead character (played by Robert Towne - yes, that Robert Towne) narrates the picture in a mockingly hardboiled way. The premise is a group of gangsters are trying to help some Cuban politicians flee their country with a treasure chest of gold, and then their boat sinks along the shore of an island of horny women, and there's sometimes a sea creature. Typically in dreck as humdrum and derivative as this we can usually bank on ample gore and T&A, but mostly this movie leans into its hijinks and commits to the "spoof". The monster is good for a brief laugh as it's basically a soggy bathmat with Freddy Krueger gloves and googly eyes, but the novelty of cheap costumes wore off, like, a thousand B-movies ago. It's a meandering 75 minutes which probably flies by faster at the drive-in than in your living room. 

 Do not be fooled by this hoity toity pizza brand - it is, in fact, Walmart brand in a fancy wrapper. Though this is their faux-gourmet, "trend-forward" brand, meaning they throw this label on their almond milk and Greek yogurt and shit like that. But if there's one thing we really kinda hate it's sophisticated pizza, regardless of whether it's Walmart or some bourgeois brick oven joint - so it's really hard to tell if it's the fanciness or the fact that it's still just store brand frozen pizza that's making it yucky. It definitely gives a homemade vibe in presentation and in flavor - were the sauce not so sour you'd barely notice there was even a pizza there. But still, we were at least successful in finding another match. 

The Movie: D+

The Pizza: D+

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part VI: "The Terror Within" and Newman's Own Sourdough Crust Meatball Pizza

"One of the worst things you can do is have a limited budget and try to do some big looking film. That's when you end up with very bad work"

- Roger Corman

The Terror Within (1989) centers around a small band of survivors from some kinda biochemical war that wiped out most of the human population and left a buncha rubber mutants to which they refer as "gargoyles". The survivors all wear the same grey jumpsuit and live in an underground lab full of blinking lights and computer screens and every once in a while these survivors/scientists/soldiers/technicians will go topside in search of food and supplies etc. and have to do battle with the gargoyles. On one such excursion they find another survivor - a tattered, catatonic woman who barely managed to escape the monsters. They bring her back to the lab and discover she's pregnant with a baby gargoyle, which is birthed in a bloody frenzy and escapes into the vast labyrinth of their hidden hideout and immediately becomes fully grown. Alien didn't invent the claustrophobic monster movie but it definitely reconfigured it and legitimized it for a new generation; looking at this underground lab it's fun to imagine how many other labs/spaceships/dungeons it's been dressed as (probably in other Corman productions). Even the gargoyles look as though they've been recycled: like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons going trick-or-treating as The Predator. Still, pretty effective, though the monster's clumsy attempts to inseminate human women lacks the clever eloquence of a face-hugger. At 90 minutes it's about 15 too long. 

It's fun buying Paul Newman products - apart from giving to charity it's like buying Fast Eddie Felson brand cookies. Not that we're too familiar with much of this brand but we have the basic cognizance to not judge it on a frozen pizza - and rightly so; the crust had a manageable crunch that was kinda exciting but the sauce and cheese was way too bland to like or dislike. The frozen meatballs tasted like frozen meatballs, which is a flavorful enough event to add some interest to this endeavor, and gives veneration to the idea of "pizza toppings" and that even a highly processed frozen meat product can make a good (or mediocre) thing better.

Folks, we found a match!

The Movie: C

The Pizza: C

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part V: "Little Miss Millions" and Screamin' Sicilian Bessie's Revenge Cheese Pizza

"A Roger Corman Family Film?" I hear you ask. It was rare but there were certainly a handful - mostly in the 80s and mostly Science Fiction stuff. Some even found their way onto the Walt Disney Video label. But a Roger Corman Christmas Movie? Seeing is believing! 

1993's Little Miss Millions (sometimes called Home For Christmas) is directed by longtime Roger Corman employee Jim Wynorski, who also cowrote the film specifically as a vehicle for Jennifer Love Hewitt shortly after directing her in 1992's Corman kid pic Munchie. 14-year-old Jennifer (credited only as "Love Hewitt") plays 9-year-old Heather who's run away from her bitchy foster mom's L.A. mansion in search of her birth mother. The foster mom hires a bounty hunter by the name of Nick Frost (Howard Hesseman) to bring Heather back. Nick finds her pretty immediately and the authorities mistake it as a kidnapping; the FBI chases them for the duration of the picture as the two leads bicker and sass their way to L.A. via busses and hitchhiking and stolen cars. The snot kid/grumpy grownup dynamic is derivative of a thousand other things, but ounce-for-ounce (and sometimes scene-for-scene) this is an impressively decent redo of Midnight Run, with James Avery in the Yaphet Kotto role, Steve Landesberg in the Joey Pants role, and a music score by Joel Goldsmith for which Danny Elfman could've easily sued. The mismatched buddy setup is almost always exciting to us, and having two good actors like they have here can usually make it feel kinda fresh (even if it's a total ripoff). 

There's a kinda cult around this pizza brand; the folks who like it really like it. We got some crazy excessive cheese kind with the big frozen equidistant blobs of mozzarella that are supposed to melt into each other when you cook it. And for the most part they did, and the cheese was excellent and definitely the best part - almost enough to distract from the curiously tangy sauce that dominated every bite. And of course no frozen pizza has mastered the crust yet so we don't deduct points there (usually). You certainly can't say it was bland -- this one felt so close and yet so far. 

The Movie: A-

The Pizza: B-