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STATIC SHOTS

Magical Mystery Tour (1967)

TRADING CARDS :: 6 More Random Picks

I kinda love the mixed-bag approach to this series; it's a bore trying to come up with different ways to say "And here's Vicki Vale looking disheveled" five times in a row. Not that I couldn't, mind you, but we've left too much unexplored to stay stuck in the norm. 

- Paul

SAVED BY THE BELL THE COLLEGE YEARS (#46) "Rush Week" -- Pacific, 1994

If you haven't seen The College Years (or The College Year more accurately) you've done yourself a disservice. It's as every bit as joyous and daft as the original series with only very mild young adult overtones. The bulk of this set is posed publicity photos of the cast, but there are a few like this that give you a sense of just how seriously they took this short-lived spinoff. If it's what you're into, you'll be into it.

ROCKCARDS (#20) "David Lee Roth" -- RockCards Inc., 1991

Just having these cards in my collection made me feel more grown up (or at least like a teenager). Not unlike so many sports cards, this series helped me learn the players' names and which teams they were on and what position they played. And I could bring this knowledge to MTV and have a more enjoyable viewing experience. And it should be noted: Dave isn't posing here, this is how he looks all the time. 

THE NATURAL "Pop Fisher" -- 2007

Do you have a Wilford Brimley card? If you don't, you wish you did. Packaged with the 2007 Director's Cut DVD of The Natural was a New York Knights ball cap, a baseball signed by Roy Hobbs, and 5 trading cards - one of which is this Pop Fisher portrait that looks pretty convincing as an antique. All physical media should come with prizes. 

CONEHEADS (#61) "Inside Beldar Conehead" -- Topps, 1993

I found out about these too late, which sucks because I would've consumed them in mass quantities. Putting aside my own passion for this flick, this really is a perfect movie to get its own card series; beyond the makeup and costumes, each scene is its own short comedy sketch (as depicted here) which makes for a great "collect 'em all!" scenario. And that pink border is just too bodacious. 

BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (#18) -- Pro Set, 1991

I can hear this image - as they say. Out of context, most of the frames from this movie are hilariously bizarre. But I chose this one because, in context, the Napoleon subplot is kinda the best part of the movie for too many reasons to list. 

VIDEO VIXENS (#30) "Jeanna Fine" -- Decisive Marketing, 1992

This is by far the most modest Adult trading card I have, but it's the most valued; Jeanna Fine was/is my favorite entertainer in the industry - appearing in Party Doll A Go-Go (1 & 2), The Adventures of Dick Black, Cycle Sluts, Malibu Spice, Edward Penishands, and hundreds of others, as well as cameos in mainstream stuff like Hack-o-Lantern and Boondock Saints. Point is, this isn't my only Jeanna Fine card, and I point that out because it's just wonderful that there was a time when everything including subject matter like this was available in foil-wrapped packages. 

1997 in DDD

 

1997 will go on

From January to March of '97, Lucasfilm released "Special Editions" of Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi into theaters to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the first film. 25 years later and we're watching the Boba Fett show on the Disney Channel... There's no commentary here, it's just an observation on the fascinating passage of time; so much has changed, but not really. 

I was 14. I'm not sure that I'd seen a STAR WARS movie in its entirety since the 80s, but their impact was still in my blood. And whether or not that timeline is accurate, it'd certainly been a long time since I'd watched one with the attention that the theater experience demands; my connection to them was firmly reestablished and I had a slightly more mature appreciation (and various criticisms) for each installment. But the real maturity flex came from my unintentional unresponsiveness to the advertising surrounding this very significant Cinematic event. There were the posters and the trading cards, Taco Bell busted out the collectors' cups, and Kenner expanded their "Power of the Force" toy series to include every single character and vehicle that appeared in all three films. And I indulged in none of it. 

It would be melodramatic (and inaccurate) to suggest that I'd simply moved on from youth and that I was too sophisticated for this type of child's play. (I think I did grab some of the Micro Machines.) Truth is, I just didn't have any room in my interests for something of that scale; I was still under the cozy blanket of Beatlemania at that time. I was riding the Kevin Spacey carousel of Swimming With Sharks, Se7en, and The Usual Suspects - watching at least one of them daily. I was anxiously awaiting the next Tarantino flick. Pop culture-wise, I was already living in the past. More than any of that, I'd started High School in September of that year, which employed most of my physical and spiritual energy. 

And then the boat arrived.

Titanic premiered in the U.S. on December 19. And it was a big deal, sure, but unlike nearly all the other blockbuster events, the absolute downpour that saturated the culture came after the word-of-mouth blitz. So that's really a "1998" story... 

So what did we get in 1997? *NSYNC, Limp Bizkit, and the Taco Bell dog. That's it. Oh, and the McFlurry. There were other trivial world events taking place (a princess died, a sheep was cloned), but we don't mess with that here. We're more about La Femme Nikita and novelty drinks full of tiny floating balls. And movies - of which there were some. I'd thought this was a strong year - and it was fer sure, but it turns out it was more of a "quality over quantity" thing. I'd intended to do a "Top 25" to match the anniversary numeral, but it started to get passionless and mechanical near the end there. So, as is, it feels pretty shagadelic. 

- Paul

1. Boogie Nights

I thought I'd been waiting for Jackie Brown, but clearly I was waiting for this; this was the next step in what I needed from movies. I went into the film under the umbrella that it was "acclaimed" with the expectation of some forced melodrama to legitimize my horniness. Instead, it was an entirely different kind of turn-on - one that still gets me going after all this time. You can't find this kind of energy in movies anymore -- and understandably so; this was rare and raw talent from someone who's spent roughly 10 years on this masterpiece. When passion, opportunity, and virtuosity all meet, the angels have blessed us all.

2. Lost Highway

It was never entirely what I wanted it to be; out of everything Lynch has ever done, this has the most consistent, balanced mood from end to end, and the mood is a terrifying eroticism mixed with deranged existentialism set to dim lighting and 90s Alternative. It's the burnt toast version of Blue Velvet, yet it still never gets as dark as I could tell it wanted to be. 

3. Fire Down Below

Even I was surprised at how high this charted (probably not as surprised as you). But we do straight talk only in this room, and as I stand back from this list I see few other features that foster my fancy as often as this endlessly rewatchable retread of On Deadly Ground -- except this one features Harry Dean Stanton singing and dancing over the end credits. But hey, you make your own lists.

4. U-Turn

Oliver Stone's After Hours is basically what they did, and they did it well. This is so specifically my brand of humor, which I would describe as "ironic chaos" - a motif found in stuff by Charles Dickens, Neil Simon, and George Lucas; the familiar framework of unfortunate events mounting to such a ridiculous capacity that only the most unrealistic coincidence can drive the story. And Sean Penn is there to voice the hilarious frustration felt by the viewer. 

5. Jackie Brown

Two things: I gave a pretty full review of this majorly-anticipated adaptation some time ago - because it deserves it. And that's my second point: I also once pointed out how we tend to nitpick when it comes to Quentin (or any other admirable artist) because they've earned high expectations. And in the end, I've seen it countless times and I know it by heart and I can confidently say: it's pretty good!

6. Titanic

I was there opening weekend, prepared to endure the Romantic Melodrama tacked on to the front of the Historical Epic. Turns out both halves were equally compelling, and it earned its popularity more than its hatred. A lot of heated remarks can be made about the script, the performances, and the effects, but at the end of a cold April night in the North Atlantic, it's the magic of the Cameron/Horner collaboration that is indisputably unsinkable. 

7. The Game

When it came out, the big concern was that it couldn't possibly be as intense as Se7en. I recognized pretty quickly that this was an entirely different tone: more fun, more funny, more Fincher! It got lost a bit in the seats of Brad Pitt vehicles, but it's one of the director's best. 

8. L.A. Confidential

The critical darling of the year to satiate the Titanic cynics. Incidentally it's pretty great - though it took me some time to come around. You can hang your wardrobe on its preeminent "Holy Shit" moment, but it took subsequent viewings to enjoy the weight of everything surrounding it, and made me infinitely more aware of Curtis Hanson and Brian Helgeland. 

9. Trial and Error

I initially grasped this as a pretty weak Courtroom Comedy (from the director of My Cousin Vinny, no less). Time (and repeat viewings) changes things; what was once a dumb premise featuring some mild Cosmo Kramer antics gradually felt like a tight script with likable characters and genuine laughs. And I'm still waiting for Charlize to match the charisma she brought to this. 

10. Cube

The ways media is made available to us nowadays, it makes it impossible to "stumble upon" something great. That's what a movie like this is made to do; you don't seek it out, it finds you. Not surprisingly, it shares the whole mood and structure of its drive-in counterpart, Night of the Living Dead: another film discovered on a television late at night by generations. And why not? It's the only thing that comes even close to Horror on this list. 

11. Good Will Hunting

Postmodern comic book movie? A hero must learn how to use his superpowers for good instead of for slackin'. It has its own serving of sappiness, but it was a refreshing twist on the Academia Schmaltz that had been dumped into theaters in the years leading up to it.

12. Wag the Dog

The good bits are (most of) the performances and (most of) the dialogue (specifically the contributions from Mamet). This stuff is strong enough to drown out the obnoxiously one-note plot and Barry Levinson's embarrassing inability to capture the spirit of Altman. So while Sleepers doesn't really count, this is the DeNiro/Hoffman collab that we were waiting decades for. 

13. The Fifth Element

I'm glad it's finally reached some kinda zenith of pure cult status, because it should've been championed as the epic achievement that it is upon its release. There's so much to point at and say "That's just brilliant!" but to this day I continue to campaign for Milla's marvelously bonkers performance that's worthy of any kinda acting award they got; everyone in this does some sorta heightened caricature of their abilities, but she did something fresh. 

14. Men In Black

Lotta comparisons to Ghostbusters when this came out... 25 years later and it's still the closest they've come to capturing a similar essence. Still though, that's not to say it didn't come with its own exhilarating rush of creativity that few were impervious to. I was way too old to notice, but there should've been more costumes and weapons and accessories in the toy stores -- I know I personally would've spent younger years hunting aliens in a suit & tie. 

15. Face/Off

The main draw was to go and see what the hell this movie even was. And it was what it was, and what it was was a farcical affair that both mocked and personified the state of the Action Movie in 1997. Say anything you want about Travolta or John Woo -- this is, unto itself, the Nic Cage genre; this madness is what he'll be remembered for, and I'm fine with that.

16. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

It was a bizarre, conceptual thing to satirize in the mid-1990s but it seemed to resonate with everyone. (60s nostalgia was a bit of a joke already.) And though he was a superficial composite of other famous personalities, the most memorable thing to come out of it, for me, was Dr. Evil; we were lite on the memorable villains around this time and he picked up the frickin' slack.

17. Liar, Liar

The last truly great Jim Comedy of his career -- and it is pretty great. I love this kinda high-concept hijinks that doesn't rely on a lotta makeup or visual effects - just performance; somehow simultaneously the most restrained and the most dynamic display of his talents throughout his filmography. It's one of the few Family Films he's done and it's just sweet as hell.

18. Private Parts

Pretty sure this was my introduction to Howard, and I assume like anyone else who went into it cold, I was pleasantly surprised by not only his charm and his wit, but also the likability of the movie as a whole. But the biggest revelation was seeing Paul Giamatti for the first time and thinking, "What era is this guy from?" He immediately joined the ranks of my parade of favorite character actors. 

19. As Good As It Gets

Despite my prowess of proclamation, I have a hard time pinning down exactly what makes this movie appealing. It's actually easier to say that it's unappealing: unlikable characters, no story arc, forced drama, bland comedy. But who cares about any of that stuff? I like the actors, I kinda like each scene in and of itself, I like the abstraction of a Romantic Dramedy that loathes the audience as much as itself. It's a delight.

20. Conspiracy Theory

The last act of this otherwise Screwball Comedy becomes a generic, convoluted Actioner that nearly sinks the whole show. Notwithstanding, Mel and Patrick Stewart crank the silliness in the already-goofy world of espionage and covert action - and because it's presented like a straightforward Thriller, it nearly eclipses Austin Powers as the more competent parody. 

STATIC SHOTS

Hot Legs (1979)

It Came From STARLOG : Number 88, December 1984

It's taken me most of my life to come to terms with a very hard fact: I don't really like Science Fiction. I've subjected myself to a lot of otherwise good Cinema that left me feeling cold and dissatisfied due to some disconnect regarding the subject matter. So I've done the math and determined that the genre in its purest form is somewhat of a snooze. And so, because of this, I've hung onto only about a dozen-or-so issues of Fangoria's mothership publication: Starlog. 

Started in 1976, it was mostly a Star Trek magazine. Then Star Wars came along and suddenly there was room for all the inevitable rip-offs and homages - as well as some entirely original works of art as the categories began to blend and suddenly we had Romantic Action Melodramas involving aliens with machetes. Or whatever. The point is that the late 70s and early 80s were just as fun and crazy as they get credit for, and this and Fango were sharing a lotta the same real estate. 

This issue features articles on Dune, Dreamscape, The Terminator, 1984, 2010, and V (as well as the most heartwarming interview with Hoyt Axton), along with the predictable but provocative advertisements (most of which involved Dr. Who). 

But the real astounding things in this issue (and the reason I chose it) are the film reviews. Like Fangoria, Starlog was scrupulous when it came to disecting the mainstream megahits that decorated their covers (and ultimately sold copies). And they weren't tough on just the popular things - they weighed every element based on some very strict criteria; the subject matter is so rich with details that it demands a lot to consider. But at the same time, it's hard to determine if some of these movies were ahead of their time, or if "nostalgia glasses" are actually a thing. Or, Option C, a lotta these critics were a bit set in their ways and weren't quite ready for some of this stuff yet. (But your kids are gonna love it.)

Amongst the films they covered were Gremlins, reviewed by Robert Bloch (he liked it), Temple of Doom, reviewed by Alan Dean Foster (he did not like it), The Right Stuff, reviewed by Ben Bova (written so poorly that it's hard to say), and the notorious Ghostbusters review by Ron Goulart - the most articulate roasting since the Shubs and Zuuls found themselves in the depths of a giant Sloar. 

Everything about this damning dissertation fascinates me, and it's the main reason I've brought you here. Please, click or tap or zoom and read it for yourself, but I will point out some of the pertinent parts that gave me pause and prompted me to appreciate (and reevaluate) some important stuff.

So yes, it's come to this: some strange-ass metaverse in which I find myself writing reviews of reviews. But that brings me to my first point: in our current climate, it's a miracle to be confronted with film criticism that's articulate and modest and manages to be funny without being condescending -- and yet still a conflicting point of view. This is the kinda counterpoint I lust for in my life; I can pour my heart out on a global platform with every intention of engaging in all the serious points I've perfected over many late nights, and the best I'll get is, "Dark Knight Rises sucks ass tho." Goulart starts off by pointing out that not only is Ghostbusters a financial success, but that just about every other pro critic on the planet has recognized it as the triumph that it is. And while he sardonically feigns some moral or intellectual superiority, he makes it clear that he can't help but feel left out -- though not before he cuts into it from every angle. 

It's perfectly acceptable to go into a movie with expectations, but it is dangerous. I wasn't old enough to remember exactly how they sold Ghostbusters to audiences prior to its release, but I assume its SNL/SCTV roots were visible enough to sell it as the high-concept comedy sketch that it is. Apparently, Goulart was fully prepared for something more grounded in reality (which I've found is an excuse people use when they can't adequately articulate why they don't like something). He couldn't understand why or how Pete Venkman was so nonchalant about the mounting mass hysteria surrounding the characters, or even why someone like Dana would agree to go on a date with him. He also felt let down that these scientists never "sit down and discuss what they're up to and why they're going to try a certain approach to a certain problem." Imagine, for a moment, a long scene of scientific exposition prior to chasing a glowing green blob puppet through the halls of a hotel. Typically, before the end credits roll, one can get a sense of the entire mood of a movie -- exactly what it's supposed to be. Clearly this reviewer never tapped into the true intent of this big budget Action Comedy. 

He didn't like the film, that much is clear - not for any sensationalistic purposes, he just didn't get it: he didn't get the plot, he didn't get the characters, he didn't get the humor. A film that he did like was the 1940 Bob Hope vehicle The Ghost Breakers - a much more low-key approach to the ghost-thwarting subgenre (and a favorite from his childhood). Does this set off any alarms for anyone? Alan Dean Foster's review of Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom features a lengthy paragraph about his love of 1939's Gunga Din and how superior it is to this Speilberg sequel. Alas, it appears that Cinema of a bygone era simply can't be beat. But seriously, what's really being conveyed here? Can these two otherwise rational men not see the forest for the trees and get wise to the Big 80s? Or, are they right? This is the kinda sociological stuff I like - because in the loosest sense of the word, they are right. The same way every activist, every journalist, every critic, every blogger is right... Except when they're wrong, because we're right. It's easy to sit and watch Ghostbusters: Afterlife and say, "Nope. That ain't right." Whether we liked it or not, we have an internal barometer that informs us as to exactly what a movie is supposed to be even before we see it. (Too heavy on the irony?) My son loves Afterlife because he loves Muncher and "the baby marshmallow men" as much as he loves Slimer, Vigo, et al. And y'know, he's not wrong; he's responding to Cinema in its simplest form: he likes the light and the sound and the color and the movement. If he's aware of the dramatic shift in tone or the lazy script, he hasn't been vocal about it; he didn't walk into it with his list of comparisons on deck, knowing it would be derivative and lesser than. He digested it as the next chapter in the franchise about catching cartoon ghosts with laser guns. There's a careless freedom in simply enjoying whatever comes your way. It takes real effort to intellectualize why you think something is bad or wrong, and if somebody's willing to go through that kinda trouble, I'll give them my attention. 

- Paul

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