Creature in a Supporting Role

Sometimes, as Dr. Alan Grant has taught us, the attack comes not from the front, but from the sides.

These aren't necessarily 'background' monsters or obscure 'blink-and-you'll-miss-ems.' These are the mini bosses, the guys & ghouls that keep the scary momentum going, warming us up for the headliners. Some of them stole the show, some had no real plot function, some didn't even really have a name, but our favorite movies and worst nightmares would suffer from their absence.

- Paul


Zombie Cab Driver
- Ghostbusters

In a movie full of cartoon ghosts, demonic possession, and a Godzilla homage, this is the only real zombie... if that's what he is. Tough to say - whatever he's made of manifests from the sewer and finds its way into the exhaust pipe of a taxicab, so now the cab is haunted(?). If that's the case, that's more exciting and original than we've given it credit for. And he just looks so awesome.


The Blind Surgeon
- Jacob's Ladder

I don't suppose this movie actually has a lead villain - but I suppose that's the point. I'd be tempted to say it was this guy due to his popularity in connection to the film, but in his one second of screen time, he really seemed more like a henchman to me - just waiting for his cue to drive needles into people's brains.


Freddy's Guard Dogs
- A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

Dogs with human faces isn't an entirely new concept (the '78 Body Snatchers certainly comes to mind), but this attempt at what was clearly a pain-in-the-ass practical effect was pretty effective - if for no better reason than it forced you to do some thinking. What exactly are these things? I know Freddy's a shapeshifter, but these seem a little off-brand for him. Also, the bulk of this movie is spent in reality, away from the dreamworld, so these creatures' existence and function is blissfully peculiar. Just more reasons why this movie is such a blessing.


Victor
- Se7en

Ok, hear me out. I could make the case that these nominees don't always hafta reside in the paranormal realm, and they also don't hafta be the antagonist. And while he is the Sloth "victim" (John Doe would contend that term), his sinful past adds as much depth as you'd find in all the best monsters - from Frankenstein to Fred Krueger. But I'm just being polite here - I don't really need to explain why this is one of the most terrifying things ever put on film, because it's not just visually arresting, but the context of what's going on here has haunted me for 25 years.


Whatever the hell this thing is
- Twilight Zone: The Movie

Let's be honest: we all know the main baddie from this flick is the Heavy Metal Sky Demon that waggles its finger at John Lithgow. And let's continue to be honest: the Joe Dante segment has cooler, scarier stuff than The Howling and two Gremlins films combined. I'd say Joe's portion of the movie is something you can point to that sorta sums up his whole aesthetic: Looney Tunes, but creepy.

What proceeds is a parade of Rob Bottin monstrosities that are as colorful as they are upsetting -- but this thing, with its white eyes and joyous grin, was scariest to me not just because of how it looked, but also what was left to the imagination. Not that there's anything subtle going on here, but while this guy looks like he could do some damage, we never really get to see the carnage he's most likely capable of - but I was sure it involved a lotta spraying blood & guts.

TRASH STASH : issue 014

fun

MY FAVORITE EPISODES part one

The suggestion for this has come our way a buncha times, and what once felt like a thankless chore now feels like a thrilling challenge. I guess the time or the mood was right, who knows. Still, though, it does present some challenges here and there - depending on where you're standing, certain shows manage to be so dense and cohesive that sometimes it's tough to champion a standalone segment. Like picking a favorite scene in a movie: it's not impossible, but on its own, it's just ketchup & mustard.

But this is dumb; this series barely needs an intro, nevermind getting all philosophical about it. Anyway, this first round goes to me, and right off the bat I'm bringing out some heavy hitters (though I don't see us doing many Public Access shows in the future). You may agree with my top picks, but with any luck, you won't - I'm lookin' for a fight.

- Paul


Curb Your Enthusiasm
"Shaq" (season 2)

Amazing that a show that spans ten seasons and two decades made absolutely no progress as far as a story arch. But if there'd been any growth, it wouldn't be Larry David.

Obviously what I'm driving at here is that the themes and the attitude of the show largely remained the same throughout, and this is very much one of those situations (the best situation) to point to and say, "That's what this show's about." Immediately after being inundated with menial tasks and forced pleasantries, Larry accidentally trips and injures Shaquille O'Neal at a Lakers game. Following this, Larry becomes socially unpopular enough that everyone no longer requires any favors from him of any kind, and his relief and joy in the wake of his newly acquired bad reputation creates an exhilarating sense of empathy and jealousy for every viewer.

It's just the best, because most of what I've just described would align with the entire series.

Mystery Science Theater 3000
"Riding With Death" (season 8)

Alright, we're gettin' into the McLarge Huge of it now! This is one of those shows that doesn't have a continuing narrative (I mean, c'mon, it really doesn't), so that makes it all the more easy to pick a standout. Of course, at the same time, it's hard to choose just one. But the joy of this is that I have the freedom to pick a favorite episode and then change my mind anytime I want - because that's the power of love.

Many things have occupied this highly coveted Top Spot, but for the past 5 or 6 years, my go-to experiment has been this TV Movie Turkey from 1981 that was actually just two episodes of the NBC Action/Adventure show Gemini Man edited together into a structureless, lopsided "film." Sound stupid and irritatingly convoluted? Excellent! All riffing aside, the biggest laughs come from how ineptly this already-half-assed idea was stapled together, as well as its cast of lovably loathsome heroes and villains. The dialogue consists solely of trucker lingo, honky-tonk hee-haw, and faux bureaucratic jargon, which all crescendos into one of my favorite Crow moments as he shouts at the screen, "Shut up! Everybody SHUT UP!"

Tales From The Darkside
"Halloween Candy" (season 2)

An episode directed by Tom Savini, written by Michael McDowell, and all about Halloween night! What could go wrong? Well, for character actor Roy Poole, everything.

Every episode of Darkside was small-scale, and this one was no exception. But... some stories were better suited to their claustrophobic, single-room setup than others, and this blissfully simple fable absolutely fucking nailed it.

The premise: a curmudgeon old man, with a hatred for Halloween, torments young treat-or-treaters that unknowingly knock on his door, until one little real-life monster sets him straight... straight to the morgue! *maniacal laughter*

It's very cathartic when the viscous creature is the protagonist in any story. But on an even more personal note: there's a scene in which the old man pours a concoction of mayonnaise, Elmer's glue, and other round-the-house slop into some poor kid's candy bag - destroying his entire loot. And the little boy just walks away, hanging his head in sadness. No joke: there are very few other moments in fiction that break my heart as carelessly and completely as that moment. And never has revenge been so satisfying.

The Legend of Zelda
"Doppelganger" (season 1)

Ok, so, clearly some of these are gonna be just for me.

Legend of Zelda was sort of a sub-series to The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, and only a handful were made - which is probably a good thing. Even at a glance, the show was pretty horrible; if for no other reason than Link and Zelda were portrayed as awful, awful characters with no redeeming qualities. But I kept coming back, because from a distance the whole vibe of the show (the music, the landscapes) pretty closely matched what I took from the games.

This episode, on the other hand, introduced us to an "evil" Zelda imposter sent by Ganon to steal the Triforce. She dressed all in black and basically used her sexuality to coerce Link into doing whatever. Even as a kid - apart from the kinda turn-on of the idea of a naughty Zelda - it occurred to me that they could make these characters interesting and likable if they'd so chosen. And for this brief moment, they kinda did.

Twin Peaks
"What Is Your Name?" (season 3)

I realize I already went on and on (and on and on) about The Return a few years back, and even then I concluded that my biggest takeaway was this final episode. However many years later, that sentiment stands firmer and taller.

Its strangeness and deliberate pace makes for an engrossing hour of television, but in the context of the entire series, it's almost impossibly awesome. In a show that explored other worlds, different planes of consciousness, and various-colored lodges, it was always predictably unpredictable - that was a slice of its charm. At the very least, we felt a little safe in the consistency of the mood - which made this episode so terrifyingly jarring; the bulk of this final "Part" is an uninterrupted free fall into oblivion, and the entirety of the once-self-aware quirkiness we were so familiar with is stripped away in favor of a true-to-life existential nightmare.

It's become one of my favorite things.

STATIC SHOTS

Summer Starter Pack 2020

It's been a cold and rainy Spring, which, as usual, culminated into a lotta strong, sexy vegetation across the land. So while we're currently deprived of destinations, treat yourself to a journey if you can - even if it's a circular one. And when you're not out, frolicking about the natural world, we've got suggestions for stuff to pair with the picnic days ahead.

Fortunately for us (and you, if you choose to accept this mission), the path to our warm ways rarely leads us outta the house. So, now more than ever, heed this list as a fun and safe itinerary of activities that one could engage in for Summer vacation.

Or, be rebellious! Put yourself and others in harm's way! Take off your mask and fuck a stranger! Let your hands get dirty! Touch your face! Touch my face! Be Metal, IT'S FUCKING SUMMER, SHIT MAN!

- Paul


Andy Sidaris Marathon

For those of you who aren't already down & dirty with this idea: Andy Sidaris was a TV director, covering mostly sporting events, before moving onto making B-movies (or BBB movies - Bullets, Bombs, and Babes - a descriptive phrase used to describe the nuances of the genre in which he worked). Between the early 70s and the late 90s, he crafted over a dozen exploitation flicks, each featuring tropical locales, oversized firearms, and statuesque centerfold models in leading roles.

Now, these movies are exceptional for a coupla reasons: the first being that the humor of this setup in firmly tongue-in-cheek; these movies were rarely played for laughs, but they were clearly self aware in regards to their subject matter, and that spirit is palpable in the films. Secondly, while the plots of these movies are charmingly incomprehensible, they are crafted with a talent and a passion that few other genre pictures are blessed with - from the production value of the stunts and practical effects to the ingenious credit sequences.

The timing of this is pretty rad; Mill Creek has been continually putting out his once-direct-to-videography as widescreen blu rays, complete with the original, nut-kicking poster artwork on the covers. They're going for around $9 - $12 each, so I really don't have any excuses as to why you shouldn't already be part of this cult.
So Join Today! And if you're not completely satisfied after 30 days, beat it loser.

Women In Music, Part III - HAIM

Here's the story: We introduced Haim's short but superior discography to our son when he was 7 or 8 months old, and his obsession was immediate and genuine. Now I don't know if you have children or know anything about kids, but this band has been the soundtrack of our lives for the past 16 months - day-in, day-out, nonstop Haim - because that's the speed at which kids move, and we're just along for the ride. And it's fine - it could be a lot worse. I mean, it helps that the band is fucking awesome, but the real magic is that it's new music, and so any nostalgia tied to it is being established in real time. Like sands through the hourglass...

Women In Music Pt. III is the band's third studio album, and it was supposed to drop April 24 of this year, but was delayed until August because of the thing. Now, the tentative release date has moved again to June 26(!), which should more than officiate it not just as a Summer album, but The Summer Album. (And this'd better stick, because my pre-order is already in.)

We don't do links cuz links don't last, so here's a list of the singles that have preceded the album thus far (most of which debuted as music videos directed by one Paul Thomas Anderson).

"Summer Girl"
"Now I'm In It"
"Hallelujah"
"The Steps"
"I Know Alone"

Swallow these whole without crushing or chewing. Arousal will immediately take effect.


John Brown

And now for something completely different.

Typically this is a list of lighthearted endeavors suggested to keep you company for a few sweaty days, but if you can find yourself some sprawling, epic subject to occupy your heart and mind indefinitely, we say go for it! Then, whatever you choose to immerse yourself in, you can look back at this time as 'the Summer of that thing.'

Consider this! The life (and death) of John Brown, a civilian and family man who (more or less) set the American Civil War in motion through violent acts of terrorism. (I'm drastically oversimplifying - just think of it as a tagline.) Currently, in this increasingly divisive era, the true story of a man who took matters into his own hands on a National scale to fight moral and political injustice is satisfying, startling, and confrontational all at once. If that doesn't seem relevant enough for you (or maybe this kinda stuff just isn't your thing), this is one of the 40,000 different stories that's rumored to be the subject of Quentin's tenth and final(?) film. Even if that doesn't end up being the case, this is a gory and enthralling Major Motion Picture just waiting to fall into the right hands (which will probably end up being the wrong hands).

There is much to read on this topic, but we suggest John Brown, Abolitionist : The Man Who Killed Slavery, Sparked the Civil War, and Seeded Civil Rights by David S. Reynolds. And if you'd like some visuals to supplement your research (or if a dense, meticulous biography doesn't scream "Hot Fun in the Summertime" to you), check out the 2005 documentary John Brown's Holy War, or the 2013 miniseries The Abolitionists - both are part of PBS's American Experience series, and the latter stars T. Ryder Smith (Brainscan) as Brown.

At the end of the day, you'll be able to impress your friends with some very important bar trivia (because I suppose that's what the bloodiest conflict in American history boils down to).


Hey Vern, It's Ernest!

I don't know that we talk about Ernest nearly enough around here, which hardly makes any sense. I mean, he's up there as far as I'm concerned, and I think I put forth a pretty good defense some time ago, but let us please not do the defensive thing anymore - let's just talk about the totally awesome show you need to watch this Summer, knowhutimean?

This CBS Saturday morning kids' show from 1988 only ran one season (which made for a great marketing tool in the following century when they could put "The Complete Series" on a DVD cover), which is a damn shame, because I don't know of any other TV shows in the history of TV that were better tailored to a Saturday morning.

Let's set this straight: I love Pee-wee Herman, and Pee-wee's Big Adventure is enormously better than any Ernest movie. But in terms of television: Pee-wee's Playhouse was entirely too caustic and busy for the early hours of the day, whereas Hey Vern was (and is) the perfect balance of Froot Loops and black decaf to start your weekend.

If you've ever seen an Ernest movie, you might have some idea of what the show's like, except it's far more subtle, creative, and mature than the usual preconceptions conjured up by the mention of "Ernest P. Worrell." Each episode dealt with a different topic - Food, Pets, School, Scary Stuff, etc. - and each subject was treated with a humor and sensitivity that was never condescending. In other words, it's just a sweet & funny show that makes you feel good all under, and I intend to spend my Summer Saturday mornings from the POV of Vern.

Let's Look At Some Shit : Episode 4, part 2

SUMMER SNACKS!

How can we tell when the seasons have changed? Not from the Gregorian calendar, and certainly not from the weather... Why it's junk food, of course!

As I'm sure you're well aware, all the popular stuff is monopolized by the four major holidays, but Summer always gets its share of celebratory snacks - even if the gimmick is a little more subtle. Generally you'll find words like "Surfin'" or "Sizzlin'" or similar sunny adverbs on the labels to indicate their timelines, and other times you'd have to be rollerblading on a rainbow alongside Spuds MacKenzie to get the full effect of Summertime. So here's a menu of "limited edition" meat, candy, and crackers that don't explicitly have anything to do with Summer, but I'm gonna think about Summer while I eat them, because that's how I roll.

- Paul


Snickers White

I'd never been a fan of white chocolate. (Yes, this is the kinda mind-blowing information I'm gonna be throwing at you during this post, so buckle up!) Then, during some Easter season 6 or 7 years ago, Hershey's introduced White Reese's Eggs, and my life hasn't been the same since. Every year now, you'll find White Kit Kats, White Twix, White Chocolate M&Ms; it's just been an ongoing reign of white supremacy! (Alright, you come up with better descriptive verbiage.) And now, to mark the beginning of the 2020 Summer season, Mars has introduced Snickers White!

I gotta admit, I've been kinda waiting for this one. And I gotta admit, it's just too darn sweet. The strength of Snickers has always been its balance of sweet & salty, and now the balance is all fucked up. Having said that, the store had four of them, so I bought four of them, and they're all "Sharing Size" (bullshit, it's fucking "King Size!" You can't change my mind!), so who knows - they could end up growing on me by the time my supply runs out.

Izzlers?

"Are they still Twizzlers if they don't have any twists?" The short answer is: yes, very much so. They've never really been in my Top 10 of anything, but I imagined these 'untwisted' Twizzlers as thick, solid licorice ropes. At best, they're flat, hollow tubes with the same jagged tips as their widely-popular predecessor.

I think the most fun you could have with these is to use them as strawberry-scented straws with which to drink a satisfying beverage. Poor grades aside, I say big ups to Hershey's for going as far as actually changing the name of one of their more popular candies to promote whatever the hell these're supposed to be.

Swedish Fish Crush Fruit Mix

Alright, so far this is as close as I've come to finding anything soda-related this season, which, as extremely sad as that is, the silver lining is that these aren't bad. I mean, various fruit-flavored gummies mixed into a single package isn't exactly cutting edge Willy Wonka technology, but when you put a soft drink logo on anything from bubblegum to lip gloss, I get glad all over.

I can probably say that I can't really tell the difference between an Orange Crush-flavored fish and an ordinary orange fruit-flavored fish, so who can argue. But I will say that while all grape-flavored things are poison to me (especially grape soda), the grape fish are mildly tolerable -- which is huge praise coming from me - you don't even know.

Veggie Goldfish - Cheesy Tomato

I'm a fan of most baked cheese crackers - I mean, what kinda monster isn't? - but Pepperidge Farm Goldfish always seemed a little too subtle and polite for my taste; their standard Cheese-flavor is pretty bland, and you gotta slam, like, twelve of 'em to get the same satisfying mouthfeel as one Dorito. Fortunately they come in new and continuously changing flavors, and the latest is these Veggie Goldfish with "1/3 serving of tomatoes." I'm not big on tomatoes, tomato sauce, or ketchup, but tomato-flavored crackers usually hit me at the right angle. That, plus the flying vegetables on the bag make it look like Super Mario Bros. 2!

Sadly, they don't taste like tomato-flavored crackers. They don't taste like tomato-flavored anything. They don't taste like anything! And that's not just the Covid talking.

Slim Jim Savage Size

I admit it: I'm a whore for pop culture tie-ins. If they put Darth Vader on bottles of Garnier Fructis, my hair would be noticeably and intoxicatingly soft for the rest of my days. But! the deal with Slim Jims kinda went in reverse: I don't like wrestling or wrestlers, but because Randy "Macho Man" Savage was the spokesman for the brand, he was always cool with me. Now, he's got his own commemorative stick of meat, and I couldn't be more pleased.

There's really no eloquent way to put it: it's the same length as a traditional Slim Jim, but considerably thicker, and even though it's "original" flavor, the thickness convinces you that it somehow tastes better. The inner wrapper covered in "Macho" phrases in various Nintendo Power fonts also add to these mind games. But the real showstopper is that the store I bought these from had them displayed in this:

I've seen these cups around for quite some time, but I feel like their true purpose has finally been actualized. I even went ahead and checked eBay in the hopes of getting myself one -- apparently they range from $50 to $250. So, on second thought, the Slim Jims I buy never really last long enough to constitute an entire Randy Savage meat caddy.

Thanks for reading about lifestyles of poor white trash. May you all have Cheez Ball wishes and Cotton Candy Bubble Yum dreams.

Let's Look At Some Shit : Episode 4

WEIRD STUFF :: Your Complete Guide to Tori Scott

We started the Weird Stuff series about a year ago, and since then, we've investigated ghosts, the afterlife, numerology, pop culture cover-ups, historical landmarks, and cartoon pornography. Until now, it's all been a bit of fun, and we've had a jolly good laugh. But now, it's time to get serious. Today, we're gonna look into one of the more arresting phenomena that creeped into our lives nearly 30 years ago and has weighed heavy on our hearts and minds ever since.
I'm, of course, talking about the "Tori" episodes of Saved By the Bell.

If you're not super-familiar with SBTB, I can do my best to give you some kinda overview to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, but this is truly one of those "you had to be there" things -- those who were there can attest to this.

In September of 1992, NBC aired an episode titled "The New Girl" close to the beginning of the fourth and final season of the original show. The episode introduced a new student to Bayside High named Tori Scott (Leanna Creel), a leather-clad biker chick with a wit and charm that would eventually catch the eye of both Zack and Slater. The two guys compete for her attention and in the end she wisely chooses neither.

This wasn't exactly a fresh premise for Saved By the Bell; Zack and Slater (and even Screech) had quarrels over girls in other episodes, forcing somebody or everybody to learn lessons in life and love. It was also common for characters to pop up as romantic interests and then never show up to school again, and this seemed to be the case with Tori, as she did not appear in the following episode, titled "The Bayside Triangle," which finds Screech out for blood when he learns that Zack has eyes for Lisa. Of course, even that premise indicates bizarre shifts ahead; Zack and Lisa? Screech gets mad?

The next episode to air was "Teen-Line" in which Zack asks a girl out on a blind date, but is taken aback when he finds that she's in a wheelchair (indicated to us when Zack exclaims, "You're in a wheelchair!"). This scenario enables Zack to embrace his 'acceptance' of someone who's 'different,' and immediately becomes overprotective of her and has to come to terms with his own sense of proportion. And who else but Tori is there to set him straight and tell him, "Maybe she'd rather be your friend than your cause." It's this brand of articulate, even-tempered advice that only Tori could provide - less self-serving and emotionally-driven than, say, Kelly or Jessie. Which brings us to one of the more notable points of this puzzle: there is no Kelly or Jessie.

Whenever Tori is around, Kelly Kapowski and Jessie Spano don't exist - and not just in a scene-by-scene ratio - they're absent for entire episodes. These episodes are known as the "Tori Episodes," where the original nucleus of six has subtracted two and added one.

Typically, it'd be an all-around bum-out to lose two beloved main characters on a show you've been watching for four years, but this was far from being that simple. Tori would stick around for a few more shows and a romantic relationship with Zack would sorta blossom... and then she'd be gone, and Kelly and Jessie would be back. Then they'd be gone, and Tori would be back, and on and on and so forth for the duration of the season, causing myself and anyone else I've ever talked to about it to ask, "What in the hell was going on there?"

Saved By the Bell wasn't, for the most part, a continuing narrative, but the fragility of the familiarity became achingly apparent when it was compromised in such a deceptive way. And so, I felt it was time to unravel this folk tale that's vexed me for far too long, and hopefully bring the truth to the others who have so desperately craved it as much as I.

I must be spoiled by the times, because the answers I sought were not as easy or immediate as I had anticipated - which was kinda okay because it created more of a sleuthing vibe for me. Incidentally, the facts of this story are vaguely illusive because they're buried under piles of fan theories and 'what-ifs,' each more obnoxious and distracting than the next. But it does make some sense: when people witness a freak occurrence unfold before their eyes, they tend to assign their own explanations to it - however outlandish. Still though, red herrings aside, the explanation presented itself to me pretty quickly, and of course, like any mystery, the resolution was 5% satisfaction and 95% melancholy, and in the case of the Tori episodes, 100% anticlimactic. We all pretended like we didn't know what was going on, but deep down, I think we did.

Saved By the Bell ended on paper after three seasons. In a last minute-type deal, NBC renewed the show for a fourth season, but Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkley opted out of renewing their contracts. As a result, a new character was written into the season to semi-balance out the group dynamic.
Leanna Creel played Tori for 10 episodes, and the rest of the season was padded out with clip shows and a handful of episodes that had been previously shot but inexplicably never aired.

And that's it, really - minus the major details, I think it's more or less what we all assumed. But really, it answers the biggest question: no, there was nothing weird going on in the overly-analytical sense. Kelly and Jessie weren't dead or kidnapped, Tori wasn't a demon or a secret agent, and no other ludicrous fan fiction lent any credence to the truth. Personally, I can say that anyone who applies a clinical, ironic, or "woke" approach to innocuous pop art doesn't smoke the same cigarettes as me. In other words, don't make it more than it is.

So, what is it?

The show's writers and/or producers explained away the inconsistencies with the notion that Kelly & Jessie simply weren't in the same classes as Tori, and so storylines could germinate without them. That's fine, I'll take it. But while that scenario may've come across as too cryptic or lazy for some folks (even though it's just a fucking kids' TV show), I would assert that the invention and execution of the idea of "Tori" was less "open to interpretation" and more clearly defined to a keen eye. Like mine! I, for one, openly celebrate the Tori episodes as some of my favorites, and applaud the writers for not only pressing on with the tone that the show had so wonderfully established, but for creating a new, likable character that gelled in an organic way. And that's the key word: likable. For people who were upset that the integrity of the original structure had been compromised slightly probably don't realize how much worse it could've been. Besides, the #1 attribute of intelligence is the ability to adapt to change -- the students of Bayside did it, and so can you.

In Tori's first episode, there is conflict between her and Zack, which was already infinitely more interesting than if they had written her as just a rainbows-and-sunshine replacement for Kelly. But therein lies the brilliance of the character; not only was she less ditzy and aloof than Kelly, less manic and stuck-up than Jessie, and less self-centered and materialistic than Lisa, Tori was the most level-headed member of the whole group. She managed to retain Kelly's sensitivity and Jessie's strength, and was better at both. She was the friend the rest of them needed but didn't deserve. She was the group's conscience (especially in the "Drinking and Driving" episode) and on some levels, she was the subconscious. (No, not like a Tyler Durden-type thing - we're not gonna get stupid about it.) Without Kelly, Zack became the true star of the show more than ever before, and Tori, perhaps, represented the exact type of person he needed in his life - let alone desired. She knew how to humble his ego and alleviate his insecurities, all while maintaining her own balance of femininity and dominance. This kind of independence was foreign to Zack, and it turned him on.

But, to reiterate, he didn't deserve Tori. Eventually, when reality shifted again, Zack would attend college with Kelly, and they'd eventually marry - because that's what the audience deserved.

I'm not sure if the show is available via any streaming services (I have to assume it's somewhere), but it is on DVD (though for some reason they're spread out in such a way that 'Season Four' is labeled as the otherwise-nonexistent 'Season Five'). Point being that if one were so inclined, they could initiate their own Tori Marathon, binging all 10 Tori Episodes into one satisfying story arch, like a compilation of deep cuts and B-sides. (Trust me, they work best this way.) In fact, even though there's not a list yet, I nominate this stretch of shows as an Honorable Mention for this year's Summer Starter Pack. By the end, you'll be ready to go back to school (whenever the hell that will be) with more confidence and a killer fashion sense.

- Paul

Bennett Media's SUMMERFEST!

As I write this, it's 7 degrees above freezing and rainy. And so I write this because I need this. I piss & moan every year about the pigtailed tease that is Springtime, and it looks like the company has yet to change its policy. So, I'll keep writing letters 'till my voice is heard.

We've reached that time of year again when we celebrate all things Summer - which may not seem that different to the uninitiated - but we are initiated, aren't we, Bruce. After all, we go through the same thing with our Halloween series; we spend all year worshipping blood, boobs, and bubblegum, but the point we'll continue to drive home is that each season has its own blood, its own boobs, and too much junk food to ever discuss it all.

I'm sure many of you are anticipating a different kinda Summer ahead... But whatever happens, rest assured that nothing will disrupt the movies and shows we watch, the music we listen to, the literature we read, and anything else that doesn't require us to wear a bikini (in public). The exclusion of flea markets is going to sting for as long as these restrictions are in effect, but we'll continue to look at the shit we already have and share what we find. We'll continue to plumb the past and retrospect this & that. We will endure.

Below is our Summerfest commercial, and as you've probably noticed by now, these spots are filled with teasers and easter eggs of our Summer plans & what we'll be covering here on the site and on our Facebook page. So keep stayin' home and get fat & sexy with us, because we got such sights to show you.

Everybody Fest!

STATIC SHOTS