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CINDY

NINTENDO POWER Magazine, September 1993 Vol. 52

For someone who doth protest an awful lot that they're not a gamer, I sure do talk an awful lot about video games, amirite folks? And judging by the numbers, y'all hate reading about 'em - and therein lies the irony: so do I. But I collect Nintendo Power magazine for various reasons - some of which I'm still trying to figure out. 

There are usually one or two exquisite Pop Art-style advertisements, usually advertising the magazine itself. Its time capsule traits (especially in the era from which I pull) are a trademark attraction for me and probably anybody; it's the most prominent peek into 1993 that I found here. But that's why I'm going through it and sharing with you: I combed through the news and tricks and tips and reviews to find whatever treasure this graphic manual was hiding. You're welcome. 

The first (and probably the most interesting) feature in this or any issue is the "Player's Pulse" page - the part where they publish letters from readers. But NP played it in a safe way every time: each month they'd inform us what next month's topic was, and those are the letters they'd publish. And the question they assigned to this issue was along the lines of "fantasy Nintendo merchandise" and the fantasy wishlist put forth by the fans was so spectacularly spot on and clever that I couldn't have done better myself. 

Gum, donuts, an entire Nintendo TV network? Chef's kiss. But RC Mario Kart cars that are battery operated and "very detailed?" Who is this kid, Josh Baskin? I'm not the hugest Mario Kart (or remote control vehicle) guy, but this is a zillion dollar idea that beats the shit outta Dixie Cups and bath foam. 

Super Mario All-Stars was the headliner here and it's what enticed me to buy this issue: a game I actually played (which became increasingly rare), it's a 16-bit glow up of the original 3 NES Mario games. Another big reason I seek out these rags is the illustrations, because the literary content is frustratingly misguided in every way. You read the letters from the kids who played these games: considerably more articulate and cognizant of what exactly makes these toys so cool. I would've been pleased with a little anecdote or backstory on the making of the game, the conception, the demand, something more adult with some substance that would not so closely resemble the children's book version of VCR instructions. 

Star Fox was the big release of '93 and they padded out these periodicals by milking the big ones. This issue includes "Act 8" of their ongoing Star Fox comic series, and if there was one thing that I and the entire gaming community agreed upon in the context of this magazine it was no more goddamn comics please! I loved the little stories that filled out the manuals that accompanied the game cartridges themselves, but this laborious styrofoam was in the service of no one except the editors striving for their 115 page quota. 

One of the strongest points of Star Fox the game was its mystique - I never knew what the hell was going on, I just started blasting. This game had an eerie, barren atmosphere of geometric landscapes and melodic electronica, and despite its talking animal fighter pilots it most certainly didn't fit into any comic book/Saturday Morning serial groove. 

Any STAR WARS video game I've ever played has been tops, and Super STAR WARS: The Empire Strikes Back wasn't any exception - although I found it to be incredibly hard. In fact a lotta the imagery in this magazine is new to me as I was never able to leave the Hoth System. Some fanboy stuff here: I'm not familiar with "IceCats" outside of this game (as I believe this is their sole appearance in this universe) but they sure do resemble the Vulptex species on Crait in Last Jedi. Also included here is a "Gundarc" (though I assume they meant Gundark) which is fun because it's mentioned in the Empire movie but not shown. 

1993 was really the year of Spielberg wasn't it? In addition to the wealth, acclaim, and Oscars amassed by Jurassic Park and Schindler's List, as well as his continual input into the Universal theme park stuff, his property continued to transition into the gaming world, up to and including his then-current animated show Tiny Toon Adventures. We owe him awe, not just for the amount of cash he must've been accumulating, but the tireless ambition to bring us enough quality entertainment to define an entire year - not to mention one's lifetime. 

The Top 20 is attractive to me because I like ranking lists, though they make this needlessly witty and ambiguous by assigning some kinda "point" system to these games. Are these sales? Rentals? Votes? I mean whatever, it's as meaningless now as it was then - I just feel validated that Mario and Zelda games were consistently top of the pops for the period in which this shit was pertinent to me. It's like sports: my team was in first for as long as I was a fan. 

Each issue came with a pullout centerfold usually depicting the box art of whatever recent game they were trying to push. Nine times outta ten it was of a game I didn't know or care about, but it was still one of the better and more exciting features of this book: a prize inside! In later issues like this one they doubled down and also included a page of perforated trading cards! Again most of the imagery is foreign to me but they're a damn sight more interesting than the graphs and text and crude comics that were all achingly standard. 

The other thing that was in nearly every issue was the "Power Players" page - the place where they'd publish the high scores of players from all over the country. Again, zero interest; I didn't give a shit about points, I either saved the princess or died trying. (Having said that, achieving "Megalopolis" status in only 4 years of SimCity time is a feat I can't begin to comprehend.)

It only recently occurred to me what a daunting and lo-fi ordeal it must've been to acquire these accolades. First, you'd have to achieve some nearly impossible undertaking that could be deemed worthy enough by the gaming community to get your name printed in this holy publication. Second, you have to take a photo of your TV screen or Gameboy with enough clarity to be accepted. But once I began to mentally approach this in the headspace of 1993, I imagined the difficulty of borrowing a camera (with film), figuring out how to turn off the flash (which is hopefully a manual option) and getting it just right and then only hoping it comes out distinct enough whenever I get it back from whatever photo place I'd been taken to. I never attempted this, but I began to feel a little melancholy as I imagined myself or some other poor 10-year-old discovering their photos weren't adequate for submission, or ended up getting rejected without notice.

So I suppose this issue of Nintendo Power had enough cosmic energy to remind me of an abstract nostalgia saturated in disappointment. I'm sure it must derive from some repressed memory of my own, or just the gathered wisdom of bureaucratic entanglements and failed aspirations; the bastards have always kept me down, not even any mercy for a child. That was a major strength of Nintendo and home consoles: the choice to engage in competition with no one but yourself, and a loss could only cut as deep as you allowed it. That's playing with power. 

- Paul

SUMMER SNACKS!

I've eaten a lotta crap in a short period of time to bring you this today - and not all of them was good. Not that I'm looking for sympathy, I'm sure prediabetes won't be as bad as the whole inevitable enchilada (which I'd also review for you). 

There was a lot of traveling and scouring this season - bars, liquor stores, gas stations - and the bounty was a little banal (big surprise I know). As usual it's still kinda early; the new Coke Creations flavor is a few weeks away and I've no doubt that folks like Burger King and General Mills have stupid stuff up their greasy sleeves, but for now I'm sick and bloated and hyper enough to be content. 

Eat up, wankers. 

- Paul

Mountain Dew Summer Freeze

This sonofabitch beverage, they got a new flavor to commemorate every 5 minute interval of time. Usually that's my speed but I hate the goddamn Dew - mostly because I can no longer physically handle caffeine. Stimulants aside, these drinks are like carbonated candy, more so than just about every other soda, so they just became tedious very quickly. But anyways, this flavor (labeled as "Dew with a Blast of Summer Americana") is the only snack on this list to fall into our 93 in the Sun celebration; it's blue and it tastes blue and blue tastes like the Summer of 1993 so help me God. Whatever they were going for they nailed it -- I was almost kinda sad when I dumped the rest to prevent imminent cardiac arrest.

Jack Link's FritoLay Flavors

Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos are my favorite Doritos, and I'm down for Flamin' Hot anything. But I am no fan of Jack Link's meat products. Though I thought perhaps these "flavors" could somehow disguise their incompetence, but alas these inexplicably lubricated shafts didn't resemble the chips from which they borrowed their name. The Sweet Chili one did have a tang to it that made it more tolerable, but the words "Flamin' Hot" did not accurately describe the Flamin' Hot meat stick; Flamin' Hot Doritos and Cheetos have some legitimate heat, and Slim Jim sure as shit knows how to light your mouth on fire when that's their goal, so there was next to no excuse for this tasteless treat with no tingle. 

Swedish Fish Blue Raspberry Lemonade

Swedish fish are actually something I enjoy so I was pretty optimistic here - disregarding my distaste for lemon-flavored stuff. So in a way these kinda worked out because the pieces I was able to scrape off my teeth ended up tasting nothing like lemon. Or raspberry. I don't know if it was psychological mouthfeeling I was experiencing or maybe it's just been too long since I had them but these just tasted like regular old Swedish Fish (whose flavor is actually called Redberry). Not a bad thing I guess, but I certainly never camouflage my discontent when novelty flavors aren't strong enough to get out of the shadow of their originators. 

Doritos Tangy Ketchup & Hot Mustard

I was most curious about these, while also looking forward to them the least. I very conservatively use ketchup with french fries, just enough to get a sense of it, so a mouthful is almost unbearable. I had much bigger hopes for the Hot Mustard, which mostly lived up to its namesake; this isn't some sweet & gentle Honey Mustard situation, this is mustard, Jerry! Dijon! I suppose there's some kitschy charm in eating straight condiments, but that only really works with barbecue or salad dressing. My sister suggested using the chips as burger toppings, which is a level of preparation too fancy for my trashy ass. In summary, both flavors hit their mark (unfortunately). 

Hostess Kazbars 

Outside of seasonal and holiday stuff I'm not sure I've seen too many new Hostess products in my lifetime, but these are being presented with a level of confidence that makes it seem like they're here to stay. And that's fine, it's not without its blandishments - though I'm particularly particular about my snacky cakes; I'm always turned off by the ones with the stale chocolate shell, so there was some immediate sadness. And beneath that there was a lotta business as usual - except for the supposed "Sweet Crunch Pieces" -- a texture almost entirely foreign to Hostess treats. Ok, brass tacks, they're not crunch pieces - at most, they're crispy, as in not dissimilar to not-quite-soggy Rice Krispies. They're subtle, but not subtle enough to not be the most exciting thing about these things. Also, it should've been "Kazbarz" with a "z" on the end.

Reese's Creamy

I'm a crunchy man myself, 100%, but as far as Reese's goes I've got crumbs fatigue; they've infused chunks of everything into their cups at this point, from pretzels to potato chips to smaller Reese's. I was curious to see if they could manage to finally upgrade their chalky PB filling to something a little more satisfyingly gooey. Seems like the logical outcome here, right? I don't know if my palette is unrefined (probably is) but these ended up being just some regular old Reese's roguery. I feel like I was fooled by the fancy font into thinking I'd get all caught up in the reverie of smoothness. Screwed again. 

Haribo Smurfs

I've never known Haribo to have a licensing deal with anyone, let alone Hanna Barbera. Actually, outside the world of "Fruit Snacks" gummies are typically pretty generic shapes, free of copyright. Also, there's clearly nothing indicative of 1993 with The Smurfs, but the packaging and concept was just so attractive and summery to me that I wanted them in my world. Yeah they taste exactly like gummy bears or worms or anything else but I'm not seeking out any life changes in the predictability of gelatin snacks - just comfort.

Twizzlers Gummies

Fourth year in a row I've fallen into the Twizzler trap. I don't know why, they suck kinda - but that's just because they're a cumbersome, tasteless candle wax of a candy. There's got to be a better way! Look no further than Twizzlers in gummy form, which quite frankly have disregarded everything about the licorice brand and just threw their name on a bag of an entirely different genre of sweets. I'd say I'm not here to judge but that's literally the only reason I'm here; I will say they're remarkably soft, almost jellylike, and the three nearly indiscernible flavors (Peach & Cherry, Grape & Cherry, Lemonade & Cherry) are all lovely. But I'm bored with gummies. I was already bored with gummies decades ago and after this Summer I don't think I'll want them ever again.