SUMMER SNACKS!

I've eaten a lotta crap in a short period of time to bring you this today - and not all of them was good. Not that I'm looking for sympathy, I'm sure prediabetes won't be as bad as the whole inevitable enchilada (which I'd also review for you). 

There was a lot of traveling and scouring this season - bars, liquor stores, gas stations - and the bounty was a little banal (big surprise I know). As usual it's still kinda early; the new Coke Creations flavor is a few weeks away and I've no doubt that folks like Burger King and General Mills have stupid stuff up their greasy sleeves, but for now I'm sick and bloated and hyper enough to be content. 

Eat up, wankers. 

- Paul

Mountain Dew Summer Freeze

This sonofabitch beverage, they got a new flavor to commemorate every 5 minute interval of time. Usually that's my speed but I hate the goddamn Dew - mostly because I can no longer physically handle caffeine. Stimulants aside, these drinks are like carbonated candy, more so than just about every other soda, so they just became tedious very quickly. But anyways, this flavor (labeled as "Dew with a Blast of Summer Americana") is the only snack on this list to fall into our 93 in the Sun celebration; it's blue and it tastes blue and blue tastes like the Summer of 1993 so help me God. Whatever they were going for they nailed it -- I was almost kinda sad when I dumped the rest to prevent imminent cardiac arrest.

Jack Link's FritoLay Flavors

Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos are my favorite Doritos, and I'm down for Flamin' Hot anything. But I am no fan of Jack Link's meat products. Though I thought perhaps these "flavors" could somehow disguise their incompetence, but alas these inexplicably lubricated shafts didn't resemble the chips from which they borrowed their name. The Sweet Chili one did have a tang to it that made it more tolerable, but the words "Flamin' Hot" did not accurately describe the Flamin' Hot meat stick; Flamin' Hot Doritos and Cheetos have some legitimate heat, and Slim Jim sure as shit knows how to light your mouth on fire when that's their goal, so there was next to no excuse for this tasteless treat with no tingle. 

Swedish Fish Blue Raspberry Lemonade

Swedish fish are actually something I enjoy so I was pretty optimistic here - disregarding my distaste for lemon-flavored stuff. So in a way these kinda worked out because the pieces I was able to scrape off my teeth ended up tasting nothing like lemon. Or raspberry. I don't know if it was psychological mouthfeeling I was experiencing or maybe it's just been too long since I had them but these just tasted like regular old Swedish Fish (whose flavor is actually called Redberry). Not a bad thing I guess, but I certainly never camouflage my discontent when novelty flavors aren't strong enough to get out of the shadow of their originators. 

Doritos Tangy Ketchup & Hot Mustard

I was most curious about these, while also looking forward to them the least. I very conservatively use ketchup with french fries, just enough to get a sense of it, so a mouthful is almost unbearable. I had much bigger hopes for the Hot Mustard, which mostly lived up to its namesake; this isn't some sweet & gentle Honey Mustard situation, this is mustard, Jerry! Dijon! I suppose there's some kitschy charm in eating straight condiments, but that only really works with barbecue or salad dressing. My sister suggested using the chips as burger toppings, which is a level of preparation too fancy for my trashy ass. In summary, both flavors hit their mark (unfortunately). 

Hostess Kazbars 

Outside of seasonal and holiday stuff I'm not sure I've seen too many new Hostess products in my lifetime, but these are being presented with a level of confidence that makes it seem like they're here to stay. And that's fine, it's not without its blandishments - though I'm particularly particular about my snacky cakes; I'm always turned off by the ones with the stale chocolate shell, so there was some immediate sadness. And beneath that there was a lotta business as usual - except for the supposed "Sweet Crunch Pieces" -- a texture almost entirely foreign to Hostess treats. Ok, brass tacks, they're not crunch pieces - at most, they're crispy, as in not dissimilar to not-quite-soggy Rice Krispies. They're subtle, but not subtle enough to not be the most exciting thing about these things. Also, it should've been "Kazbarz" with a "z" on the end.

Reese's Creamy

I'm a crunchy man myself, 100%, but as far as Reese's goes I've got crumbs fatigue; they've infused chunks of everything into their cups at this point, from pretzels to potato chips to smaller Reese's. I was curious to see if they could manage to finally upgrade their chalky PB filling to something a little more satisfyingly gooey. Seems like the logical outcome here, right? I don't know if my palette is unrefined (probably is) but these ended up being just some regular old Reese's roguery. I feel like I was fooled by the fancy font into thinking I'd get all caught up in the reverie of smoothness. Screwed again. 

Haribo Smurfs

I've never known Haribo to have a licensing deal with anyone, let alone Hanna Barbera. Actually, outside the world of "Fruit Snacks" gummies are typically pretty generic shapes, free of copyright. Also, there's clearly nothing indicative of 1993 with The Smurfs, but the packaging and concept was just so attractive and summery to me that I wanted them in my world. Yeah they taste exactly like gummy bears or worms or anything else but I'm not seeking out any life changes in the predictability of gelatin snacks - just comfort.

Twizzlers Gummies

Fourth year in a row I've fallen into the Twizzler trap. I don't know why, they suck kinda - but that's just because they're a cumbersome, tasteless candle wax of a candy. There's got to be a better way! Look no further than Twizzlers in gummy form, which quite frankly have disregarded everything about the licorice brand and just threw their name on a bag of an entirely different genre of sweets. I'd say I'm not here to judge but that's literally the only reason I'm here; I will say they're remarkably soft, almost jellylike, and the three nearly indiscernible flavors (Peach & Cherry, Grape & Cherry, Lemonade & Cherry) are all lovely. But I'm bored with gummies. I was already bored with gummies decades ago and after this Summer I don't think I'll want them ever again.