- Paul
Doritos Twisted Queso
For all the flavors they throw at us, Doritos pretty much stays in their lane; all of their seasoning usually leads back to "tortilla chip adjacent" so the concept of a Dorito tasting exactly like "melted cheese dip" lands smoothly on the Frito-Lay runway. I highly recommend dipping them in salsa - combined with the mild cheddar flavor you're getting the entire Southwestern chip dip experience with each bite.
Hostess Double Chocolate Meltamors
A "NEW" Hostess product can often just be some seasonally-colored sprinkles, but these are the real-deal-banana-peel, straight from the drawing board and into your gas station. Chocolate-filled cake isn't exactly groundbreaking for a Hostess property, but this one actually has the printed serving suggestion of microwaving for best results. So I threw it in for 15 seconds and it became a messy delight.
Dr. Pepper Blackberry
I've been having a hard time finding new sodas (that aren't goddamn Mountain Dew flavors), but I've had my eye on this one for a while so I got to use this list as an excuse. Blackberry beverages will only ever remind me of Clearly Canadian - that is if they're done right, and the Dr. did this right, giving more than a hint of blackberry to make it a more worthy experience than just drinking what is nearly a regular Dr. Pepper with a little berry drawing on the label.
Sour Cream & Funyuns
I was more excited for these than anything else on the list, but it should be a big clue that I didn't save it for last. As Jesse Pinkman said, "Funyuns are awesome", and while that's irrefutable, all of their attempts to deviate or improve has only hurt their credibility. I understandably expected these to be the sweet & sour explosion that the name suggests, but instead are noticeably blander than the plain ol' Funyuns.
Lifesavers Gummies Neons
I love all kinds of Lifesavers Gummies, but I've never heard of Neons before so it was a total knee-jerk purchase -- plus the "neon" angle fits right in with our specific summer theme (yes that still play into it). The fun thing about Lifesavers Gummies is that there's no color code on the back, and while sometimes the flavors are obvious, sometimes it's a real guessing game. And before you know it the bag is empty.
Kool-Aid Popping Candy
No one ever says "You know what I have a craving for right now? Pop Rocks!" Once I experienced the novelty of exploding candy at some point in the previous century I had no real need to revisit it -- but that's not what these are about. These are about fulfilling that forbidden fantasy of guzzling Kool-Aid powder straight from its colorful packets. I can't be the only one who wants that.
Hostess Orange Crème Pop Twinkies
Nothing about this seemed appealing - from the yellow/orange color clash to the concept of citrus snack cakes, my expectations were low, if not downright fearful. But the thing with Twinkies is that they're mostly "cake" and the filling is very nonintrusive. Regardless of that, the cream (or crème) isn't actually sour like the orange juice subversiveness I was expecting (for some reason) but more like the orange ice cream it promises. Still, I won't miss these when they're gone.
Cap'n Crunch's Orange Creampop Crunch
Apparently this is the official Orange Creamsicle Summer and we're just finding out now. Again, I imagined this tasting like I'd swapped out the milk for OJ, but it's nowhere near that traumatizing. Honestly the sugary assault of original Cap'n Crunch flavor is so loud that it just about drowns out the attempt at fruity flavors. I'd say it would just be easier to buy the original but then we wouldn't get this awesome depiction of the Cap'n in his Love Boat attire and sleazy tangerine-tinted shades. Might just be the best image we get to see this season.
Jell-O Pudding Cups
What you're looking at is 4(?) chocolate candies that went on a Summer car ride from the Route 13 State Line Convenience Mart in Brookline, New Hampshire to my home in Bennett Land, which clocks in at around 30 minutes. (I don't believe in air conditioning.) After reshaping itself like the T-1000 it somehow still maintained its gooey pudding center, which for real tasted like Jell-O chocolate pudding. I highly recommend these - just don't dillydally after you've bought them.
Melody Pops
Apart from stuffing them with bubblegum and Tootsie cement, mainstream lollipops don't employ a lotta surprises - for my money they peaked when they entered the world of costume jewelry. However, a fun one that's been around since I was a kid is whistle pops - or, under the Chupa Chups label, Melody Pops. If you don't know or can't figure it out from the name, it's a lollipop shaped like a whistle - accurately enough that they're entirely functional. At any rate they're sugary nostalgia wrapped in cute wrappers and I'm comfortable advocating such things.
Take it, kid...
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