ONE BAD SUMMER: Whatever it is, whatever it was

"The Crickets felt it was their duty to warn everybody that summertime cannot last forever. Even on the most beautiful days in the whole year - the days when summer is changing into autumn - the crickets spread the rumor of sadness and change."

- E.B. White

"You got the peaches, I got the cream.

Sweet to taste, saccharine."

- Def Leppard

Was it really that bad? We didn't court misfortune, but we could smell it on the more humid days. The trick is to not let it consume you; just pack an umbrella and some acetaminophen and go about your leisure. And that proved to be adequate; whenever the pain set in, it wasn't anything a little sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll couldn't clear up in a day. 

A handful of the grim horrors that haunted our apprehension predictably came to fruition in the chosen form and we absorbed them like The Blob and kept watching the shows and eating the snacks. And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make, and we stayed on track with chronicling all the crimes and carnality that were fit to print; we stayed true to the Starter Pack and not surprisingly we found a lot more to occupy our hearts and minds - for better or worse. 

And that's what I've got here: The Good, The Bad, and The Summer; the ins and outs of the highs and lows; the cherries and the pits, categorized in a (hopefully) comprehensible way to give you a better sense of The Beast that both gaveth and tooketh away. 

Let's start this thing off on the wrong foot...

Obi-Wan Kenobi

(That's bad...)

What a silly waste of resources. That's the thing with STAR WARS: it has endless potential and a bottomless budget, and I saw none of that on the screen. The story they came up with was an excellent foundation, they just forgot to build anything upon it. We're going to end up with a finite amount of James Earl Jones as Vader, so this kinda material deserves more finesse. (And more Vader.)

Stranger Things 4

(That's good!)

Eddie Munson. Kate Bush. Vecna. Who could've predicted these as buzzwords of the Summer of '22? See, this is what it looks like when production value is firmly rooted in compelling storytelling and there's a vivid distinction in the contrast between "fan service" and loyalty rewards. Considerably less lazy & predictable than all previous seasons, it's become an Altman-esque mosaic - structurally and thematically - of all the nostalgia it draws from, as well as its own nostalgia it has created. 

Thunder only happens when it's raining

(That's bad...)

This was a Summer Of No Rain. A literal "drought disaster." Typically I want as many sunny days as possible throughout the season, but the plant life and the ecosystem as a whole isn't really beach-body material this year - actually it's continually on fire. On a smaller scale, we haven't had a single decent thunderstorm, and I need a handful of storms to keep the fear of wind and electrocution alive in me.

The heat! My God, the heat!

(That's good!)

2022 is on its way to rank as one of the 10 hottest years on record. And as long as that's not part of a continuing trend of some pending cataclysmic doom, I feel no guilt in having enjoyed the shit out of it. I am physically, emotionally, sexually, creatively, and spiritually at my best around the 100°F mark - my zen zone is so impenetrable that I've become entirely unaffected by the wimpy whines of those who sweat when the heat is on.

Jurassic Park, Super Nintendo

(That's bad...)

My son got some video games for his 4th birthday in June - ones that were both compatible to his interests and our gaming system. Pertinent to his love of the '93 film, this was an obvious choice, and not surprisingly, it didn't immediately have the tone or excitement of the movie. I'm not really a game critic so I'm not inclined to put in the effort - we played it a coupla times and maybe it picks up at some point, but it's pretty crude for its time and subject matter. 

Animaniacs, Super Nintendo

(That's good!)

Now here's a Spielberg production we can get behind! Firstly it looks exactly like the goddamn cartoon which really helps to make the connection, but the gameplay is smooth, fast-paced, easy to understand - perfect for a child. Also like the show, it manages to slip in dozens of blatant pop culture references that fall outside the boundaries of Warner Bros. (and sister).

Bye-bye Beakman

(That's bad...)

Last Summer I discovered Beakman's World was on Tubi, so I stocked up on the Golden Grahams and consumed this entire vibe every Saturday morning for the entire season. This year I blindly bought a Family Size 18.9 oz. box of the cereal in anticipation of recreating this intermittently ongoing tradition - only to discover, predictably, that the streaming service had "dropped" the show. I've been chasing this program for decades - a channel will pick it up for a minute and then one week there'll be something else in its time slot. My assessment is that these media corporations don't want kids learning about Science; apparently Magilla Gorilla is as comfortable as they get with the evolutionary chain.

Freddy's Nightmares

(That's good!)

God doesn't close a door without opening a window - to hell! I'd seen a handful of episodes through bootlegs and other shady outlets, but thanks to Tubi, the entire 2-season run is up for grabs (and for free). Lotta newcomers got bitchy because it wasn't anything like they thought it was. Based on the few I already knew, I got what I wanted and much much more; Freddy actually is the antagonist in several episodes and it's a thrill when he is, but when he isn't, the show is a moody, meandering low-budget stream of consciousness that never manages to grasp a cohesive thread within its allotted time. And that's the other thing: they're hour-long episodes, padded out with story fragments and clumsy left turns - like an actual nightmare. The tone and production is wholly similar to the likes of Tales From the Darkside and Monsters - but those are for Autumn, and Freddy's forever my summer girl. Impeccable timing.

This, our town of Halloween

(That's bad...)

It gets worse every year. You can sense the impatience once the "Back to School" sales begin on July 1st; this obnoxious, superficial fetish for colder weather and pumpkin-whatever is clearly at the root of this retail fiasco that haunts my reverie every year. Halloween's my favorite holiday too, but Summer's my favorite season, and I sit around for nine months with my hands down my pants waiting for its fruit, and you wanna piss it away because you like spider webs - well fine, accelerate the passage of time to your liking -- you'll die an early death. Is that spooky enough for you??

MONSTER MANIA 50

(That's good!)

For the rest of us three-dimensional people, we don't need your Hallmark hoopla to bask in the best part of October: Horror Movies! (And whatever merchandise they have to offer.) Per semi-usual we braved the 5-hour drive to Cherry Hill, New Jersey to attend the best Horror Convention in the Northeastern United States to get the shit and share it with you. This is our Disney Vacation - not because we're 100% that family, we're just more readily responsive to any event that offers Point Break posters, Ted Bundy t-shirts, and bootleg DVDs of Virgin High. 

The agonizing pain in which I live every day

(That's bad...)

Financial woes. Deteriorating health. Domestic conflict. Home and automotive disrepair. The darkness of the past. The uncertainty of the future. Day jobs. Night terrors. Shower thoughts. All the stuff we leave off the table that accumulates enough to make any season "Bad." It's just that it's all so much more punctuated in the Summer - it's unfair that anything should corrupt this most sacred observance. Mood killers. Cock blocks. The blanket feels that much more wet. Save this shit for the Winter months however you can. 

Dreamworld Coca-Cola

(That's good!)

Oh, what a joy. What a blessing. Just as everyone seems to be cleaning up and putting away the pool toys, this lightning crashed down upon my fuckin' head! Considerably better than the Starlight flavor from earlier this year, it appears to be a repackaging of their finger-licking Georgia Peach formula from 2018... And what a package! These bottles & cans are putting me in the mood for hand-clapping - they're like 5 inches away from the box art for Super Mario Bros. 2. I'm also just so tickled by this idea of flavors based on abstractions; not even Kool-Aid ever came up with flavor labels this cerebral, and I commend Coke for keeping it real when we needed it most. Take that, "mystery" Mountain Dews. 

- Paul