Quick Ones

• Do you think Lee Daniels has a butler?
• Once you've reached the end of your wits, you just end up back at the beginning
• There's no room for Jell-O at the Inn
• Break the rules until you get caught. After that, make up excuses
• What's worse than Christian Rock? Christian Rap
• The second easiest way to carry a hat is on your friend's head
• Demons live in my teeth
• Dress the part
• Bad things come in threes. Good things come in me
• The guys in the white lab coats are always the first to go
• A single "oops" is an "oop"
• Technically, Michael Keaton has been robbed of about 5 Oscars
• Exercise your pinkies for an unforeseen event
• Pie is the best use of fruit
• Do you think John Carpenter has a thing?
• Criterion will always feel compromised for adding The Rock and Armageddon
• It's hard to make a movie in black and white without being pretentious
• The myth of Twin Peaks is better than the show
• As punishment, your tombstone will be in comic sans
• Stay off my back, or I will attack! (And you don't want that)

Quick Ones

• Why does the bathroom water taste different than the kitchen water?
• In 2015, we'll use garbage to fuel our cars. However, Texaco Stations will still exist
• White-rimmed sunglasses are for girls
• Marshmallow Fluff needs an animated mascot
• When they detonate a bomb over the ocean, you think about the fish
• Is this burning an eternal flame, or should I have it looked at?
• Kate Upton used to be Estella Warren
• Drink coasters are for pussies
• Woodsie the Owl and the Tootsie Pop owl have different agendas
• Ice coffee is an abomination
• Garbage men will take away diapers, condoms, and dead bodies, but not a television
• Studio logos are getting out of hand
• Bjork wrote the Love Boat theme
• Corn Chex and Rice Chex are comparable
• Jackets are cooler than coats
• Don't cry over spilled milk - get even with the cow
• Support your local bully
• Why isn't Krackel available in regular size?
• There haven't been any cool serial killers since the 1980s

Quick Ones

• Ang Lee is Angelina Jolie with the middle cut out
• Surprisingly, most of your problems are because of Winn-Dixie
• It's not believable that Young MC's best friend would be named Harry
• People care more about baby cows than baby chickens
• Fuck Little Debbie
• No longer do people describe a potential incident by saying, "That was a close shave!"
• Thursdays don't work for me
• Stuff happens on a show, while other stuff happens in a movie
• People who TiVo "Dancing With the Stars" also think Geico commercials are "witty."
• "Same Old Song and Dance" is Aerosmith's autobiography
• To be fair, they must now be referred to as The Wachowski Siblings
• Why is the word "recital" exclusive to children?
• "The Misbehavors" is the best thing Robert Rodriguez has done, and will ever do.
• "Buena Vista" is Spanish for "Disney"
• Did B.D. Wong and the rest of the Jurassic Park personnel get off the island? Nevermind the power outtages and the dinosaurs - no boat or plane could've made it through the typhoon.
• Crushed ice is not all it's cracked up to be
• The "Play" button and the "Pause" button have been combined to save time and money
• It's okay that it's not butter
• After midnight, only a few are going to let it all hang down
• Police doubt fire was accidental. Popular belief is that it was because of Winn-Dixie

Quick Ones

• Fox keeps telling me I can "become a fan of The Simpsons." All this time I never knew I needed permission.
•  "The Number One Movie In The Country" is not a review.
• How come Chinese restaurants don't give out those rolls anymore? You know, those rolls?
• In theaters, films are presented in a "WIDESCREEN" format. The black bars at the top and bottom of the screen are the ceiling and the floor.
• The alternate title for The Sound of Music was, This is What Happens When You Find a Stranger in the Alps.
•  If Dum-Dums were Smarties, then Airheads would be Nerds. Refrain from Snickers and Chuckles.
• Was the Dukes of Hazzard movie any dumber than the show?
• Steven Spielberg will die in your lifetime.
• It's bad luck to watch Friday the 13th.
• I was told, "Don't eat the yellow snow." Personally, I find any color other than white to be troubling.
• Your thoughts are your own until you Tweet them.
• What's the deal with airplane peanuts?
• Morgan Spurlock turned McDonald's into Starbucks.
• The worst thing about Ghostbusters the movie is "Ghostbusters" the song.
• The Thompson Twins had three members and none of them were twins.
• Girls Meets World insinuates homosexual overtones.
• Where's that Nic Cage?
• A new toothbrush has ambiguous consequences. 
• Pleasantville has the worst poster, soundtrack album cover, VHS and DVD art of all said media.
• It's really tedious to listen to someone describe a TV show - even if it's one you like.

Quick ones

• No one points out the surrealism of talking-animal movies.
• Tell people you were an extra in Spiderman 3. They'll believe you.
• Middle-Earth looks like New Zealand.
• Movie theaters sell you a gallon of soda & offer you free refills. Clearly, they're inexplicably trying to find ways for you to miss the movie.
• When does the decision come to put outtakes at the end of the movie? Are they in the script?
• Aliens are always more advanced, & they always lose. Proof that intelligence is no match for violent aggression.
• Remember Tom Hanks?
• Whenever people remake a movie, they say it's because they "love the original." Does anyone buy this bullshit?
• Deaf people have no aversion to foreign films.
• I'm worried for Abe Froman. Why didn't he show? & what of the other two people in his party?
• People often claim that they love "bad movies." Me, I hate bad movies. I wish there were less of them.
• It would be easier if Spielberg's segment of Twilight Zone: The Movie came at the end so I didn't have to press fast forward every time.
• No one talks about French Connection II.
• I don't get excited by red band trailers -- I've heard the F-word.
• New Zealand looks like Middle-Earth.
• What exactly is the selling point of "From the Studio that brought you...?"
• When you go to the movies, take the straw out of your drink & bend it in half so it has a pointy corner. 10 minutes after the movie starts, lean forward & hold it to the throat of the person sitting in front of you (make sure they don't see that it's a straw), & say, "if you turn around, I'll kill you." Then sit back in your seat; try to do it during a comedy, & see if they laugh at all during the movie.
• I have no opinion of Molly Ringwald.
• In my dreams, I can walk. My legs are strong.
• Not to beat a dead horse, but does anyone really love 3-D? A lotta people complain about it, but no one seems to have any general excitement about it.

Quick ones

• True Romance is the perfect 16 year-old girl movie
• Without the slo-mo, 300 would be 17 minutes long
• Robert Zemeckis blew it
• I will no longer let My Love Open The Door
• Kate Winslet will be naked
• Nic Cage is still good - it's the movies that got bad
• I don't want to hear your thoughts on Mulholland Drive
• If a movie is adapted from a reality show, is it a documentary? If so, does it become prestigious?
• The problem may be the Hulk was never that cool of a super hero to begin with
• I'm old enough to remember when Se7en had a "v" in the title
• Sid Haig should play a police captain
• A movie without credits seems really pure
• Imagine Michael Caine saying, "Albuquerque will be obliterated."
• Elias Koteas is better than your favorite actor
• Why don't animals just use their real names in the movie?
• 555 phone numbers immediately take me out of the movie
• Batman & Robin wasn't believable
• If you cut the wrong wire on a bomb, it makes the time speed up. How does that happen?
• It's impossible to make a cult movie
• A photo gallery is a poor special feature