WHAP! THWACK! SPLAT! Cum On Feel My COMIC BOOKS

My relationship with comic books is an emblematic reversal of the poles; I'll buy a comic if it's based on a movie, show, or some other previously published piece of pop. It was just part of the package: buy the poster, buy the soundtrack, buy the trading cards, buy the action figures, buy the video game, buy the t-shirt, buy the Happy Meal, buy the comic book. To me, Batman was a movie, Wonder Woman was a TV show, and Tank Girl was Lori Petty in a bra and shorts; these crude little pamphlets from which they derived were merely charming keepsakes to commemorate a larger, more interesting spectacle. That's just a pretentious way of me waggling my dick at ephemeral souvenirs; I wouldn't seek them out and keep them were I not to appreciate their sentimental value. I cherish any visual or reading additives to whatever I'm into at any given time (which is just an inventory of all the same stuff at all times) and through turmoil and tragedy, I've lost many comics, so I cherish even deeper. Here are nine (9) that need little explanation because, as noted, we already know what they're about. 

- Paul

James Bond Jr.

Does anyone remember this show except for me? It even had its own shitty SNES game and crude action figures, but I might be the only person who was familiar with the Son of 007 before I'd ever even heard of 007. When Goldeneye came out I thought it was a clever live action spinoff.

But it must've been popular enough: Hasbro and Nintendo aside, they don't give a Marvel Comic Book to just anyone - I don't care who their father is.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

For however much Elvira "stuff" there was at the height of her popularity, there wasn't nearly enough. Max Headroom had more merch and he wasn't nearly as cool or sexy. Knowing this, if you find anything pre-21st century, grab and squeeze with both hands. 

Even the quality of this isn't really cutting any mustard. I can pretend these crude underground sketches kinda match the spooky punk charisma she brings, but really she deserves more.

Labyrinth

You know how 2D cartoon characters look weird when they're 3 dimensional? I'm the same with the other way around - particularly Muppets; flat, illustrated Muppets look anatomically obscure to me.

My weird hangups aside, I have to say that, unlike nowadays, this movie version is infinitely more visually compelling than this comic book. Plus no songs. 

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Now here's a movie with merchandise! Amongst the bounty of treasures they released to promote this flick, there was a concurrent trading card and comic series released by Topps - and they were, in fact, tops.

Glossy pages of unique artwork that doesn't necessarily reflect the look of the film but compliments it in such a way that suggests "this is what the comic book version would look like."

True Stories of Adult Film Stars: Jeanna Fine

Firstly I adore the Carnal Comics logo - mostly because I love brand parody, but also because no one ever seems to dare to satirize Marvel. But this book is uninhibited in that way - in every way really.

This pulpy smut rag is cowritten by Jeanna as a sorta autobiography detailing her rise to fame - without the boring parts. It also offers me dozens of tattoo ideas.

The California Raisins 3D

To my absolute delight, they had a comic (sorta)! There was a very short series of these 3D adventures involving Big Burger and his fast food henchman causing chaos throughout Raisinville.

Sounds like the most spectacular piece of illustrated literature ever published - only to be balked by the banal gimmick of off center red and blue outlines. No maroon, no bueno. 

The Ren & Stimpy Show

All the 'toons of my youth (Beavis and Butt-head, Animaniacs, The Simpsons) got the comic treatment and I consumed them like fries. I always shopped for trading cards (R&S had them too) but if a familiar image graced the cover of a comic, I snatched it. And that was the thing with cartoons: these covers looked exactly how they looked. 

I don't digest comics well - they don't read fluidly to me. That added to the absence of the voice actors and writing that doesn't live up to the source material equals a lotta disappointment. 

The Joker

What's this?! The Jester of Genocide has his own comic?! I know, I'm sure sure there's been a million of them at this point (and a movie), but imagine my initial discovery of finding pages of just Joker without all the Batman/Bruce Wayne melodrama. 

The joy of this is the now-vintage illustrations that makes each page and incarnation look like officially licensed apparel from 1975. 

Little Monsters

These are precious - to me and in general. Outside of the pocket-sized novelization was this collection of six issues not-entirely-based on the original plot per se, but rather took us on further escapades with Brain and Maurice.

As a concept, it's just more Little Monsters, and in my mind that feels like a movie franchise or TV series, but apparently this is just how comic books work. Now if they'd just make movies out of 'em...

Babes's TOP 20 HORROR MOVIE CRUSHES

   Everyone is attractive. And horror movie actors(tresses) are no exception to this rule. Sometimes they can even elevate or distract me from a horrible feature. I'll even forget, and remember the movie fondly only to revisit it later, and be reminded that it was only those perfect breasts that kept me engaged. At heart, I'm still just a horny teenager. And my lizard brain is overactive with big eyes for all of those Hollywood cutouts. Same as you. 

- Babes

Kenny

Ernest Scared Stupid

I have always loved the Ernest movies because Jim Varney is a funny motherfucker. It should come as no surprise that his spooky-themed one is the nearest and dearest to my heart. And this little boy, with his very early nineties haircut, blue flannel shirt, and super pouty lips stole my heart. He was one of my earliest pretend boyfriends. And I deeply fantasized. 

Brian Stevenson

Little Monsters

I was always a Winnie Cooper kid. But then I saw this underrated masterpiece and Fred was my new prince. What tips the scales is definitely when he dons the leather vest at the end. Super hunk.

Richie Tozier

IT

Everyone was adorable in this. But little nerdy, glasses-adorning Seth Green was the very best. And a fetish was born. 

Lucy Westenra

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Watching Lucy writhe around, groping and touching her half naked self in the rain, did things to me on a chemical and physical level that I cannot even describe. 

Tatum Riley

Scream

I pretended I liked this movie so that I could see it three more times in the theater, and buy a VHS copy, just so I could ogle this goddess some more. 

Terri

Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth

These movies are not scary, but more so completely disgusting. They for real churn my stomach, and I have to be in the right mood to allow that queasiness. As for this sequel, it takes this very special kind of hottie to distract me from my upchuck feeling, and turn me on. 

Donnie Darko

Donnie Darko 

This was a new release blind rental. Apart from being blown away by its originality and amazing soundtrack/score, I was getting all the feels from the handsome doe-eyed lead actor. And I knew that he was going places. Boy was I right. 

Seth Brundle

The Fly

Jeff just oozes sexuality as much as he does literal goo. 

Carole

Repulsion 

To those of you who need to know this, it's not the crazy ones that you need to be wary of, they're bound to be the most adventurous in the ways you want them to be, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. And she is so goddamn pretty that it hurts. 

Herman Salvadore

The Lords of Salem

Honestly, in certain light, this guy looks like my sexy husband. So that helps. And he's cool as fuck. I should know, I've met him.

Jay Height

It Follows

This film photographs her unusual beauty well, highlighting her gigantic eyes, and making her skin look delicious. 

Hedy Carlson

Single White Female

How do you make her look hotter? Try making her try to look like Bridget Fonda? Winner winner chicken dinner.

Allie Jones

Single White Female

She has always been list-worthy, but this look reigns with that adorable red pixie cut.

Slack

Land of the Dead

Her dark and brooding look caught my attention in this otherwise bag of shit that I had to sit through in the theater. And upon further investigation, she's weird, which makes her even better.

Shaun

Shaun of the Dead

Fewer films have made me laugh harder than this one. And humor is seductive as hell. 

Sarah Roberts

The Hunger

She never makes any scream queen lists, but why not? She's was more alluring than anyone else on them! Especially with blood dripping down her face and body.

Kate Beringer

Gremlins

While I agree with Paul - while this is the worst wardrobe in the history of film, it doesn't take away from all that is her. 

Crawford Tillinghast

From Beyond

Skittish, bookish nerd, in librarian-esque sweater is provocative to me the way naked is to others.

Ginger and Brigitte Fitzgerald

Ginger Snaps

This film was described to me as a "lesbian werewolf movie". While it's not, I can still pretend, and I very much like to...

Sukie Ridgemont 

The Witches of Eastwick

It's worth noting that her character is extremely fertile, and has many children, which means she really likes fucking. And sluts rock.    

Some Very Special Features

 Hey physical media, please take me along when you slide on down. 

 

I gotta tell ya: the initial rush of DVD "special features" wore off on me pretty quickly following the introduction of the technology. Don't get me wrong - my bones were built on the protein of The Making of "Thriller" and HBO First Look. And maybe that's just the thing: maybe a lotta these special features weren't so special. I know for some people it's the only reason to buy these goddamn things, but for me, in the end, it really was just about the movie (or show).

 

Nevertheless! There are popular supplements and hidden gems all around us: some that are worth your time, some that make it worth the purchase, and at least one instance where the specialness of the features are more special than the film on which they focus.

Heed this list as a guide to the stuff that you may've potentially ignored -- or, as tangible appreciation of the grooves of which you already approve. 

- Paul

HARD EIGHT - Two Filmmakers' Commentaries

P.T. movies lead the industry when it comes to special features - especially the earlier ones. And this, his earliest, has no shortage of fanfare despite its small scope and limited theatrical distribution.

The disc has two equally engrossing commentary tracks - my favorite being the one featuring just Paul & Philip Baker Hall, which opens with Paul literally singing Aimee Mann's "I Should Have Known."

JACKIE BROWN - Pam Grier Movie Trailers / Robert Forster Movie Trailers

Quentin doesn't do much in terms of extras nowadays. It's a shame, because this set is a shrine to its very particular niche of film history - particularly because of the dozens of movie trailers of every film Pam Grier and Robert Forster ever made in their respective careers. Were I introducing this movie to someone who's never seen it, I would start with these.

LITTLE MONSTERS - "Making Maurice"

In case you were wondering, they did a marvelous job with this package - so much so that I had a little trouble picking just one bonus segment. But if you're like me, you can't pass up a good, lengthy makeup FX featurette - especially when it's mostly raw footage depicting the entire application, complete with incessant in-chair Howie Mandel wisecracking.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE SCREAMING SKULL - Gumby & Clokey

Ever since Rhino became Shout! Factory, the MST3K box sets have enlisted Ballyhoo Motion Pictures to produce a series of comprehensive, esoteric featurettes to accompany many of their episodes.

The refreshing thing is that, for a show that makes fun of its subject matter, these short-form documentaries remain entirely objective and informative, and - in the case of this brief history of "Gumby" creator Art Clokey - heartwarming.

THE GODFATHER - Foreign Language Easter Egg

The novelty of "Easter Eggs" was as fleeting as the hidden clips themselves. And like all bonus material: sometimes they were useful, sometimes they were interesting, and sometimes they were stupid. This very short Godfather surprise is all three of these adjectives; a hidden montage of the Saga's globally famous lines/catchphrases, cut together in the various foreign language dubs available in the set.

These movies have their share of humor, but this silliness is just delightful.

THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST - On Location in Morocco

Behind-the-scenes footage shot by Martin Scorsese? It's weird and wonderful -- particularly to witness Jesus in a mobile home, as well as a master filmmaker teaching himself how to use a consumer-grade video camera.

THE DEVIL'S REJECTS - Deleted Scenes: "Dr. Satan Attacks"

Don't get me wrong: Devil's offered a welcomed change of tone, but it would've been damned neat if one of the more prominent threads of 1000 Corpses could've carried over into its sequel.

Lo & behold, the gruesome, exhilarating bridge between the films was left on the blood-soaked cutting room floor - and I'm not so sure it should've been... (and that's a fun thing to argue about.)

THE SIMPSONS: THE COMPLETE THIRD SEASON - Commercials

For me, Simpsons DVDs pay for themselves - like, 40,000 times over. But that's just for the episodes -- the features, as sparse as they are, were never really the draw. I'm no fool though; if you got old TV commercials (especially ones from m-m-my generation) I'm gonna be there. Besides, the old Butterfinger commercials (even if they didn't really jibe with the humor of the show) are kinda like 'lost episodes.'

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS - Outtakes

There are "outtakes" and there are "bloopers." These are bloopers, folks. And you know, the grim tone of the movie just makes them that much more enjoyable -- if for no better reason than that they accomplish what 'movie mistakes' always accomplish, which is to include us all in the fun of filmmaking.

Also, this is the only example I can think of that makes a case for collecting more than one home video release of the same movie; this feature apparently wasn't worthy of Criterion.

JASON GOES TO HELL - Filmmaker Commentary

Well, here it is: my whole reason for writing this thing, and the whole reason for ever watching this mostly-mediocre movie.

 

JG2H is a weird, low-budget SciFi Action/Adventure flick that combines pod people stuff with Slasher tropes. But who cares? If you haven't watched it while listening to the "Filmmaker Commentary," you're missing out on a wild movie-watching experience. No one is more aware (or candid) about this film's strengths and weaknesses than director Adam Marcus and screenwriter Dean Lorey: two Friday the 13th fans who understand (apparently better than most people) the kind of attitude one should take while watching this franchise.

So you can jump onto message boards and comments sections and bitch about the "change of pace" and "sparse screentime of Jason" (::dramatic eye-roll::), or you can share your viewing time with two guys who are quicker to make fun of it than you are, and who also understand how to compose a home video commentary track better than most artists.

Little Monsters / THE SANDWICH

I would rather talk about LITTLE MONSTERS

We don't need to do an Anniversary Tribute thing, or even a review of the movie. We don't hafta do anything - I thought we could just talk.

Have you seen the movie? Good - I'd hate for this to be one-sided. Hopefully you might even have something to add to some of these talking points, because there's plenty of neat music and Dorito crumbs to wade through, so feel free to jump in at any time.

Rick Ducommun

In the biopic of my youth, Rick Ducommun is always on the edge of the frame, doing something. As an actor, he was a utility man (and, sometimes, as a utility man): Die Hard, Spaceballs, Groundhog Day, Last Action Hero, Gremlins 2, Blank Check, and, of course, The 'Burbs. And, of course, Little Monsters. He didn't have the crudeness of Belushi or the charm of John Candy, and roughly lacked the comedic talents of either. But he was always there - walkin' the line of annoying and comforting. Little Monsters gave him kinda something new to do: playing two roles - an underworld bouncer named Snik, and a cameo scene as the host of the Late Nite talk show All About Chicks - but the former put him in heavy makeup (and a wig that didn't seem to fit so well) and a sinister persona that allowed him to (literally) snarl lines like, "I'm gonna take my finger and put it in the corner of your mouth and I'm gonna rip the corner of your mouth out!"
If any aspect of this movie was supposedly 'too scary' for kids, it was probably Snik... But he wasn't too scary - it's fuckin' Rick Ducommun, man.

When actors are around a lot, and then suddenly they're not, it always sparks my interest: did they retire? are they producing? doing theater? standup?
It only recently came to my attention that Rick Ducommun died on June 12 of 2015, a month after my own mother's death (so I'm sure I was too distracted to notice).
So now, here, in your own way, let's pay tribute to the man for whom without our childhood Cult Cinema would not have had a sidekick, a chauffeur, a town drunk, a monstrous lackey, a utility man...

The Sandwich

"What sandwich?"
Other cultists may choose to watch this movie with a bag of Doritos, or maybe some 'za ("I love 'za!"), but those are for the casual fans. Five or six years ago I took the plunge into what I felt I already knew would be a bold adventure and a fanatical commitment. As of however many years ago that was, Peanut Butter and Onion Sandwiches - as we learn Brian notoriously eats through a bit of expository dialogue - is the menu for movie viewing.
They're crunchy & juicy & salty & sweet & all kindsa fucking outstanding & I'd eat them year round if I wasn't such a slave to tradition (especially my own).

The reason brothers hate their sisters

Fred & Ben are real-life brothers - that's nothing new (or interesting) - and I believe sister Kala is heavily made-up as one of the 'little monsters.' But as a kid, it was a real kick to see Fred acting off of Daniel Stern, his future adult-self narrating-counterpart from Wonder Years: two Kevin Arnolds acting in the same scenes.
And then there's the Home Alone connection.

Nothing major that Daniel Stern was in both films, but it was a bigger deal that Devin Ratray, aka Ronnie Coleman, aka Buzz McCallister was the consistent older, meaner 'big kid' presence that permeated two seasons every year. Once Little Monsters month is done, it's onto not one but two scoops of Home Alone. The order is a bit dissatisfying; only after two Home Alones do we truly long for Ronnie's monster-piss comeuppance. Sad.

Box Art
One of the many joys of this movie were best demonstrated by the video stores in which it would reside: the tape could be found in the Children's section, Comedy, or even Horror (in my childhood store - Empire Video Superstore - they had a section called 'Off the Wall'), and any location would make sense. That's not to say that there aren't thousands of movies that cross-pollinate genres, but in a video store, the cover alone could pull it in any direction: Howie's weird looking, but it's got the Wonder Years kid, and they're both pretty happy, right? But this blood-red backlight could insinuate some potentially mature themes. Who knows? Certainly not many moviegoers: Vestron, the film's parent company, went under just as the movie was set for theatrical release - reaching less than 1,000 screens as a result. This film was destined to be a cult rental. And man, whichever section it lived in, didn't it look good?: the luscious, Argento-like contrast between the warmth of the underworld backdrop and the Cool as Ice tones of Brian & Maurice made for an eye-catching, fabuloso 1989 rainbow that beckoned for a 3-day rental.
Tell you what, pick up this equally eye-catching piece of pop and you can spend the weekend just staring at the boxes...

That should give you some indication of how I really spent my time as a child.

Music
Thisz the whole raison d'être (that's French) for talking about Little Monsters. As previously stated, when Vestron crashed, so did all plans for a comprehensive songtrack. So as of today, there is music that exists only within the confines of the film itself - most very specifically the two songs by Billie Hughes. "Rare" or "challenging" come with a sense of giddy urgency, but this music flat-out doesn't exist. At some point, I think in the 00s, Hughes rerecorded "I Wanna Yell" for reasons I don't know, and the purist in me doesn't want some cover version (though it's in my playlist anyway). But most very specifically more than that is his groovy ballad "The Magic of the Night" that, again, doesn't exist without the pollution of the film's audio track.
I would make a plea and offer prizes to anyone who found a clean version of the track in any format, but, again still, that's not gonna happen. I'd create a petition or start some kinda 'crowd funding' thing to get whoever to release the music, but that falls outside the limits of my knowledge or endurance.

And so, I guess, the movie itself will have to continue to be my conduit for the music. But all bratty temper tantrums aside, that's not a horrible thing. It just harkens back to my continuous childlike desire to have a piece of a film I love - something tangible even: a functional proton pack, a flux capacitor, the Joker's electrified hand buzzer, and so on. But all along, the best and most plausible artifact to acquire was a soundtrack, and I got rooked on this round. I've filled that void with Little Monsters comic books, t-shirts, pins, promotional material, and homemade sandwiches, but any general music fan (of which I'm sure there are several) can understand how emotionally fulfilling it is to have that music, whatever it may be, and how its absence can stimulate irrational feelings of depravation.

...Too dramatic? I think not. But to reiterate, having the music stuck in the movie forces me to enjoy it in its original artistic context - which is somewhere between sour grapes and turning lemons into lemonade. It's just one (though a big one) of the many ingredients that will pull me back in to watch it again and again. And so I will.

Now get back in that bed, mister!

- Paul