7Roulette - PHANTOMS

I'm ashamed to admit that I have some skeletons in my closet. Movies that I used to like, and now I've seen infinitely more and better films, I know that they're complete shit. Phantoms ranks high on this list. Bad editing paired with worse acting, and hot-of-the-moment B- and C-list fan favorites. Lest we forget prestigious and respected thespian Peter O' Toole, trying his damnedest to convince us to keep watching. Unfortunately even Lawrence-of-A-fucking-rabia couldn't persuade me. 

I have no idea what this is about and I'm a goddamn genius. Are they aliens? Are they a prehistoric species trying to rise to the top of the food chain? It's very likely it's some third option that went completely over my head and into the toilet. Even the big bad itself doesn't know what it is. Sometimes it's spooky, silent, and unwavering, and other times it's quippy and toys with its prey. In any case, it's very confusing and boring. And why did I ever like it you may be asking? I must admit, I have always been greedy for anything sci-fi horror, and I was way more forgiving in my youth. D-

-Babes

For a small indie studio owned by another small indie studio they tackled quite a few SciFi stories with big ideas. The bad news is the ideas were never anchored with an adequate script and the budget was too small for proper creatures. The good news is that there's an old-fashioned charm to their monster movies; watching Phantoms I couldn't shake the feeling that I was on a date, and that this was not at all dissimilar to any 1950s Drive-In B-movie. I usually don't respond to "camp" but it really is the best thing going for it, complete with Peter O'Toole in your typical John Carradine role, everyone's either military, law enforcement, or scientist (plus one useless damsel), and there's a laughably simple (yet overly complicated) solution to the whole conflict involving syringes full of pure deus ex machina. Director Joe Chappelle doesn't seem to have a grasp on suspense (he did Halloween 6 so I don't wanna hear about the rest of his resume) and once again Liev Schreiber is the only fun one in a cast of otherwise competent people (I guess I'm becoming a fan). The monsters are too abstract to be interesting or scary and everything else is too ham & cheesy to be Psychological Horror, so I suppose the movie doesn't "work" in any rudimentary way; the desired claustrophobic mood is ineffective when you're on a styrofoam soundstage and the main threat can't decide if it's Pinhead, Freddy, or The Thing. Still, it's mercifully short and only sometimes boring, so in the most condescending way I'll say it's so-so. B-

- Paul

I always had a thing for you, Sid

The 90s is famous for horror, but not with me. It is the absolute worst decade for the genre, and is filled with the worst writing, crustiest acting, and the shittiest everything. I remember when Scream came out. It was the event of 7th grade. You were lucky if you had a cool parent that would take you, or a friend's Mom that would do the ticket swap once you crossed the ticket-take threshold. I couldn't wait. Being an enormous A Nightmare on Elm Street fan, I was pumped. This was said to be Wes Craven's ultimate return to horror - a gore fest teen murder mystery, with a comedic edge. I was sold. 

   The opening scene sucked me right in. Being a lifelong lover of E.T., I loved seeing Drew Barrymore get gutted and hung from a tree. She had the right scream. The entire scene is tense and promised a frightening and wild ride. You even feel sadness for the parents that discover her. It's traumatizing.

   Sadly, the movie comes to a screeching halt there. Powered by a boring script by none other than Dawson's Creek helmer, Kevin Williamson, we are left with just over an hour of running around and obvious jump scares. The shocking plot twist at the end is obvious, cheesy, and gives fright a bad name. 

In fact, the only thing going for the remaining runtime were Rose McGowan's amazing melons. It's actually what got me to manipulate my way back to see it in the theater an additional two more times. Those hard nips behind that neon green top were worth sitting through that tripe. At that tender age, you takes what you can gets. 

   Fast forward to the present, and in the spirit of our special theme, and revisiting the garbage released back then, we kicked off our season with watching this bore. I very much felt like I was watching it with fresh eyes, especially since I didn't have to wait for Rose's breasts, as there have been other features subsequently containing the duo, and having grown up with hardcore pornography. 

 

   Drew's opening sequence held up, and I still felt tense when she almost gets away, as her parents arrive home. While the screenplay was more dreadful than ever, there were performances that made me smile. Henry Winkler, in his small role as the Woodsboro High School Principal, was perfect. He was very effective in attempting to mislead the audience into thinking he was the killer; taunting his students with a pair of scissors after they pranked their school in garish costumes. And while Billy, played by Skeet Ulrich, is supposed to be the handsome ultimate bad boy lead that we are supposed love, I was taken with Stu, played by Matthew Lillard. So few movies actually make me laugh out loud, and his whole performance at the final showdown had me in stitches. Playing insane sounds easy, but it can be overdone, and he does it perfectly: frothing, drooling, and nearly sexually assaulting the heroine in his final moments. 

   Overall, I liked it better. Still not list-worthy as one of the best ever, but it's a little fun. A perfect popcorn movie, where you can be on your phone and you're not missing anything. 

- Jess

Babes's TOP 20 HORROR MOVIE CRUSHES

   Everyone is attractive. And horror movie actors(tresses) are no exception to this rule. Sometimes they can even elevate or distract me from a horrible feature. I'll even forget, and remember the movie fondly only to revisit it later, and be reminded that it was only those perfect breasts that kept me engaged. At heart, I'm still just a horny teenager. And my lizard brain is overactive with big eyes for all of those Hollywood cutouts. Same as you. 

- Babes

Kenny

Ernest Scared Stupid

I have always loved the Ernest movies because Jim Varney is a funny motherfucker. It should come as no surprise that his spooky-themed one is the nearest and dearest to my heart. And this little boy, with his very early nineties haircut, blue flannel shirt, and super pouty lips stole my heart. He was one of my earliest pretend boyfriends. And I deeply fantasized. 

Brian Stevenson

Little Monsters

I was always a Winnie Cooper kid. But then I saw this underrated masterpiece and Fred was my new prince. What tips the scales is definitely when he dons the leather vest at the end. Super hunk.

Richie Tozier

IT

Everyone was adorable in this. But little nerdy, glasses-adorning Seth Green was the very best. And a fetish was born. 

Lucy Westenra

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Watching Lucy writhe around, groping and touching her half naked self in the rain, did things to me on a chemical and physical level that I cannot even describe. 

Tatum Riley

Scream

I pretended I liked this movie so that I could see it three more times in the theater, and buy a VHS copy, just so I could ogle this goddess some more. 

Terri

Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth

These movies are not scary, but more so completely disgusting. They for real churn my stomach, and I have to be in the right mood to allow that queasiness. As for this sequel, it takes this very special kind of hottie to distract me from my upchuck feeling, and turn me on. 

Donnie Darko

Donnie Darko 

This was a new release blind rental. Apart from being blown away by its originality and amazing soundtrack/score, I was getting all the feels from the handsome doe-eyed lead actor. And I knew that he was going places. Boy was I right. 

Seth Brundle

The Fly

Jeff just oozes sexuality as much as he does literal goo. 

Carole

Repulsion 

To those of you who need to know this, it's not the crazy ones that you need to be wary of, they're bound to be the most adventurous in the ways you want them to be, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. And she is so goddamn pretty that it hurts. 

Herman Salvadore

The Lords of Salem

Honestly, in certain light, this guy looks like my sexy husband. So that helps. And he's cool as fuck. I should know, I've met him.

Jay Height

It Follows

This film photographs her unusual beauty well, highlighting her gigantic eyes, and making her skin look delicious. 

Hedy Carlson

Single White Female

How do you make her look hotter? Try making her try to look like Bridget Fonda? Winner winner chicken dinner.

Allie Jones

Single White Female

She has always been list-worthy, but this look reigns with that adorable red pixie cut.

Slack

Land of the Dead

Her dark and brooding look caught my attention in this otherwise bag of shit that I had to sit through in the theater. And upon further investigation, she's weird, which makes her even better.

Shaun

Shaun of the Dead

Fewer films have made me laugh harder than this one. And humor is seductive as hell. 

Sarah Roberts

The Hunger

She never makes any scream queen lists, but why not? She's was more alluring than anyone else on them! Especially with blood dripping down her face and body.

Kate Beringer

Gremlins

While I agree with Paul - while this is the worst wardrobe in the history of film, it doesn't take away from all that is her. 

Crawford Tillinghast

From Beyond

Skittish, bookish nerd, in librarian-esque sweater is provocative to me the way naked is to others.

Ginger and Brigitte Fitzgerald

Ginger Snaps

This film was described to me as a "lesbian werewolf movie". While it's not, I can still pretend, and I very much like to...

Sukie Ridgemont 

The Witches of Eastwick

It's worth noting that her character is extremely fertile, and has many children, which means she really likes fucking. And sluts rock.