Dog Day '92

The time on the cable box reads 9:37. That feels too early, I hate waking up when there's three numbers on the clock instead of four. What day is it? It's either Wednesday or Thursday. Even on vacation the weekdays all feel the same and I spend them looking forward to the weekend so I can get back to Ronny's house and keep working on A Link to the Past. The goal is to beat it by the end of summer and August is starting to give me the Sunday Night Blues. We've already rescued the Seven Sages and we have no idea how many levels are left, but between swimming in the pool and vacations in Maine and all the new Nickelodeon shows on Saturday nights, we might not get there before school starts. 

But now I'm up, and I go downstairs where Mom's in the parlor with Donahue on the TV and Teika on the couch next to her, but she's not really watching it, she's more into the TV Guide crossword at the moment so I can put on whatever I want. First place I go is channel 13 - Nickelodeon. David the Gnome is on. Man, I haven't watched this since Kindergarten, and I watched the hell out of it back then, but looking at it now it feels like such a baby show compared to Ren & Stimpy. I check WNDS because I know it's time for back-to-back Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, but it's a black & white Bewitched so I keep flipping. I go to channel 23, VH1, because there's always a good chance they're playing Queen stuff - especially since Wayne's World came out in February, and even more now that it just came out on tape. Sure enough, they're playing the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert again. It's cool, but I'd rather see old music videos and documentaries with the whole band. But I leave this on while I eat my Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and wait for George Michael to sing "Somebody to Love". That's the best part. 

It's sunny out. It's hot but it's early so there's lots of shade from the trees. There's nothing really to do outside except maybe ride my bike to Bennett Store, which I've done twice already this week so I have to find a way to ask for more money. At this rate there's no way I'm gonna get the complete set of the Batman Returns cards, but I'm still gonna try to get a pack every chance I get. I also need to replace my pouch of Big League Chew that's all melted together. Really though, the main reason I wanna go to the store is to buy more Coke in glass bottles, which is not a secret to Mom. I'm sure I've already spent close to $10 this week just on those bottles, but you have to understand, I've waited my whole life for this - an entire 9½ years wishing I could drink soda out of those beautiful, old-fashioned bottles like they do in the movies. I've been filling my empties with Coke from the plastic 2 liter in the fridge but it's obviously not the same - the excitement of prying the bottle cap, the sweat dripping down the curves, even the taste is different. Mom gets it, kinda, and she's been very generous so far but she keeps reminding me that she's not gonna give money every day for this. But I ask anyways -- actually, I ask if I can go get a ham & cheese grinder, and those are $2.25, so if she has a five dollar bill she'll most likely let me have the whole thing. Also this way she doesn't have to make me lunch. She knows this, and so she gives me a ten(!), but wants five back. I have to make this count.

I decide to walk to the store. Every time I ride my bike I feel nervous about leaving it outside and so I feel rushed. I can't rush today, I have exactly $5 to spend and I need to figure out the math (but I'm sure a couple extra quarters will be ok). It's not quite noon yet, and it takes only three minutes to walk there (two if I cut through the trees behind Bennett School) but I'm already sweating by the time I get to the store. Even the giant wooden screen door doesn't let enough fresh air into the place to be comfortable. Thankfully I'm the only customer in this tiny space but it's still humid and smells like potato salad. I walk over to the the tall deli counter and ignore the pile of wrapped sandwiches behind the glass because mine has to be specially made. "Ham and cheese grinder with just mayo. That's it!" The lady knows this, but I know if I don't ask specifically then they will mess it up - I hate picking off tiny little strings of lettuce. While it's being made I go into the walk-in cooler to get what I really came for. I let the door close behind me and just spend some time letting the frosty air cool my sweat. It's like a neat clubhouse in here - dim lighting, surrounded by Apple Slice and Crystal Pepsi, protected by a giant door that looks like a bank vault. And just then the old guy who works here opens the door and sees me standing there. "Nice and cool in here, huh?!" He's not mad, but I grab my single 8 oz glass bottle of Coca-Cola and head back out into the store. This should leave me with $1.50 (I think). The reason my Big League Chew melted was probably because I got bored with it - I need something new. Fruit Stripe? Cinn-a-Burst? Bubble Tape is basically Big League Chew in a different shape so that's out. Bart's really got me into Butterfingers lately but I got a whole bag of fun size ones at home. Everything else here is dumb; bubblegum cigar, Tootsie Pop, plastic army men with plastic parachutes... oh man, the Batman Returns cards are sold out?! Who else in this neighborhood is buying these except for me? Obviously I don't want these Ninja Turtles III or Star Trek Next Generation packs, and I'm not alone because there's a million of them left. I can't waste this extra money but I'm not excited about any of this stuff -- except for the Coke... Right! I'll get another bottle! That way I don't have to figure out another excuse tomorrow to come back here. A second bottle makes good financial sense. 

I get back with my grinder, my two Cokes, and Mom's change. I explain my decision to her about the extra soda and she says "okay" in a "that's fine" kinda way. I feel so rich having two unopened bottles! I couldn't imagine what it's like having a whole six pack - I'd probably never open them and just display them somewhere so I could look at them all the time. But I have no problem opening these - half the fun is drinking out of them. I open one with the fridge magnet bottle opener and take my ham & cheese and get set up in the parlor and try to find something on TV - hopefully a movie. I check HBO... Mannequin 2: On the Move. I hate Mannequin 2 - why don't they play part one anymore? Next I go to Cinemax... Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach - this one will definitely do. I don't know why I like watching it, none of the jokes are even funny and a lot of the acting is really annoying, but all the beach and pool stuff really feels like Summertime. I can't explain why that makes a difference to me but it does. I only watch enough to finish my sandwich and soda, and that gives me 30 minutes of Nintendo time before Mom watches All My Children at 1:00. It's not like I'm trying to beat something, I've been playing Gremlins 2 with the Game Genie and I've been using the "Infinite Lives" code and the "Don't Take Damage" code (though I guess I don't really need both). I haven't made it all the way through yet but knowing I can't die makes it feel like I've already beaten it. Still, I wanna see the Mohawk Spider Gremlin at the end. 

All My Children comes on. I haven't been into it as much since we found out it was Janet who murdered Will. All the other stories in the show just haven't been as cool. I still sorta half watch, but I'm paying more attention to finishing my Batman Returns comic book. Since I can't go back to the movies every day, I'm trying to draw the movie scenes on paper like a comic book. I've had to do it in two volumes because I couldn't staple that many pages together, but that gave me an excuse to make a whole second cover. But I'm almost done - I'm getting to the part where Batman drives the water skier through the sewer to get The Penguin, but first he has to put on all the pieces of his costume. 

I keep seeing commercials for a new Batman cartoon! It's weird to actually look forward to something in September, but this show kind of looks like the movies - they even use the Danny Elfman music (I hope they actually use it in the show and not just the commercials). But now All My Children is over and the TV is mine again. I flip around a bit and I find more Bewitched but I'm not in the mood - that's more of a morning show. Heathcliff is on Nickelodeon but I'm so tired of it, I think I've seen every episode twice. I go to Prevue Guide on channel 41, just to make it easier, but I also like watching it - mostly for the movie previews they play all day. Looks like there's mostly nothing on right now, but I'm still waiting for the scroll to get to channel 45 to see if anything good will be on HBO in the next hour... Yes! Naked Gun 2½ is on at 2:35! I guess I could watch Heathcliff till then but I'm having a much better time watching commercials for Soapdish and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves over and over again. 

3:00 rolls around. This is about the time I'd usually be getting home from school so out of habit I have to check the other channels just to see if something better is on. The Disney Afternoon just started on channel 38 which means DuckTales just started, and it's a really good one: it's the one where Gyro invents a kinda stopwatch that freezes time and then the Beagle Boys steal it and use it to take all the money out of Scrooge's money bin. Honestly if I had an invention like that I'd probably steal stuff too - all the tapes from Strawberries, all the action figures from Toy Works, and all the baseball cards from Hall of Fame. Well, maybe not all - just enough so that nobody gets in trouble. I stop daydreaming and suddenly it's 3:30 and Chip 'n Dale is starting. I stay for the theme song because it's awesome, but I flip around before the show starts because it's boring and I find Merrie Melodies on channel 39. It's one of those old musical ones with characters I don't even know. So I check Nickelodeon and it's Looney Tunes -- I never knew what the difference was between this and Merrie Melodies. But today Looney Tunes is a Coyote and Roadrunner episode so I stick with it. 

By 4 I've completely forgotten about Naked Gun and now I make my daily choice between Tiny Toons on channel 39 and Beetlejuice on 25. I go to Tiny Toons first because I've been watching that pretty much every day. I end up staying there, sitting through every Creepy Crawler and Super Soaker commercial until Ninja Turtles starts at 4:30. It's the one where Irma turns into a giant. I like Irma but she's so annoying in this episode. Whatever, it's the only good thing on right now and Dad will be home soon so I only have the TV for a little bit longer. Usually I'd get to watch the Mario Super Show at 5 and Saved by the Bell at 5:30 because Oprah was on channel 5 for that whole hour and nobody watches that, but now both parents keep checking all the other news channels for "election updates". Voting is still like three months away, I don't get why we have to watch stuff about it now. 

Dad has coffee and writes in his journal, which means I get to finish Mario and start watching Saved by the Bell - it's one of the ones where they all work at the Malibu Sands Beach Resort. These episodes are weird, I miss Mr. Belding. It's 20 minutes till supper and I ask Dad if we can go hit the ball down at Bennett Field. We've been doing that a lot this summer, ever since A League of Their Own came out last month. He says there's not enough time but we can play catch in the backyard "for a few". The sun's already going going down earlier than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still hot, and bright enough to see the ball through the shadows of the trees. In case for some reason I can't sleep over Ronny's this weekend I ask if maybe we can go to the movies on Saturday. There's nothing really exciting coming out but if we do end up going we agree that Stay Tuned looks kinda funny. 

We come in and Dad watches about 5 minutes of Peter Jennings before the rigatoni is on the dining room table. Teika sits at my feet during supper, quietly and patiently waiting for any kind of food. I know not to give him garlic bread because that turns into a night of stinky farts, so I slip him buttered pasta. I try to be quiet about it but he chews so friggin' loud that we can't keep it a secret. No one's mad, Mom's just pretend mad. The same way I'm pretend mad that she didn't make any brownies. Or that I have to take a bath - which I guess is ok, I can't even remember what day I took my last one. So after supper I take the world's fastest bath and only miss the first 10 minutes of the first episode of Married... With Children, but I get to see all of the second episode at 7:30 which is great because it's the two-parter where they go to the gold mine and I like the second part more. And then Married... With Children goes right into The Simpsons at 8. It's the softball episode which is cool because it has all my favorite baseball players, but I'm tired of repeats all summer long and I have to wait more than a month for the new Simpsons season to start. 

Mom's still in the dining room doing bills at 8:30 when Superman comes on Nick at Nite. This show makes me laugh, it's so stupid. It's weird people used to think it was cool when it was new (but I don't think Superman's cool anyway). By 9 Mom's on the couch and it's time for Get Smart. It's like the opposite of Superman - it's cool that old shows could be this funny on purpose. The same goes for Dick Van Dyke which is on at 9:30. I'd say it's definitely my favorite right now - it's the one where Rob and Laura are at a hotel and Laura gets her foot stuck in the bathtub and Rob draws a mustache on his face in permanent marker. I guess the only bad thing about Dick Van Dyke is that when it's over that means it's time for bed. Although bedtime actually means two episodes of All in the Family on WNDS. After Al Kaprielian's weather report, the first episode is when Archie accidentally gives George a fake $20 bill. I never knew that some money could actually be fake - I'm gonna start reading every word on every bill I see from now on. 

The second one is when Mike is about to graduate from college and then doesn't. I wouldn't say I'm wicked tired but I am sorta closing my eyes during the commercials and even a little bit during the show - I'm starting to hear the laugh track more than the jokes. At 11 I check VH1 once more for Queen stuff, but it's Standup Spotlight instead. The volume's too low to hear what the comedian is saying, or maybe it's because I missed the beginning of the joke, but I can't understand anything that's going on. Maybe I actually am tired. I guess I should start trying to fall asleep earlier, I'm gonna have to start getting up early again in a couple weeks. I really hope Fourth Grade is way better than Third, but more than that I'll miss getting up late. I'll miss going to the store any time I want. I'll miss playing hours of Tetris and Mario 3 before lunch. I'll miss being with Mom. And I'll definitely miss a lotta TV shows. 

- Paul

5 Offbeat Video Game Commercials

Video game advertising in the late 80s and early 90s was an artistic movement unto itself -- especially the TV commercials, and especially from Nintendo. They sold a world of grandeur and peril and adrenaline that was always closer to the artwork on the boxes than the actual games. They were melodramatic and spooky and playful all at once - like all the best set pieces from Highlander, Total Recall, and Aliens combined into some ambitious music video environment (which we lovingly pay tribute to here). 

All that being said, the following 5 commercials have nothing to do with any of that. These are examples of the way video games made their way into other avenues of Pop Culture, along with some other properties that managed to capitalize on the craze.

After these messages, we'll be riiiight back.

- Paul

Eagle Tortilla Chips (1991)

Throughout 1991, Tony Randall and Jack Klugman tried to convince us that Eagle Tortilla Chips were better than Doritos. Can't say their attempts had any real impact, I barely remember Eagle, but I do remember Oscar shooting Felix with a Nintendo Zapper which sends him directly into a game of Duck Hunt. I'd fantasized about finding myself inside all kinds of video games around that time, but I'm sure everyone would've appreciated an opportunity to strangle that goddamn dog. 

Kellogg's Corn Pops (1993)

This was during the "Gotta Have My Pops" campaign that depicted young people spending the entire duration of a 30 second spot on the verge of a violent meltdown if they didn't get some Corn Pops cereal. (There were some crazy poisons in 90s junk food.) In addition to this Kellogg's crack, specially marked boxes came with Nintendo ID stickers, so now you and your shitty little sister didn't have to fight over whose copy of Fester's Quest is the one with the Dunkaroo frosting stain on it. 

Hot Hints Hotline (1990)

This has bounced around the internet for years so it's hard to nail down its origins. Nintendo obviously had their own licensed game tip hotline, and my 10 seconds of research mostly confirmed that this "local" commercial was off the books and possibly a scam, or scam-ola. Even still, I'd like to think some underage Nintendo wizards got together and decided to charge a fee for dispensing their wisdom over the phone, and somehow managed to produce this kickass commercial (featuring one half of The Ambiguously Gay Duo) and get it on the air. 

Nabisco Cookies (1990)

Speaking of Nintendo wizards - Nabisco held a sorta scratch-n-win promotion in which the grand prize was a trip to watch the Nintendo World Championships. They don't mention it in the commercial but the Championships (emphasis on plural) took place in 29 different U.S. cities so there was a good chance you didn't have to travel too far. They also don't mention that this was the very first nationwide Nintendo competition, which took place in the year following the theatrical release of The Wizard, and since I've never heard otherwise I like to think the movie inspired the real life contest. 

T.I.G.E.R. Paperboy (1990)

This one actually falls in line with the 90s Extreme Core Vaporwave video game vibe; it's a very lively commercial that's advertising something that's just slightly less exciting than an Etch A Sketch. T.I.G.E.R. handheld games were like Gameboys but only a fraction of the commitment and the cost; each device only played one game, so you had to make it count. Paperboy was famously monotonous and uneventful even on a home gaming system, so I'd imagine this barebones version as being something a lot less dazzling than a game of old-fashioned Pong. 

10 Wacky Vehicles

In compiling a list of 10 Cool Cars I managed to think of a ton of not-quite-cars -- like so many that they needed to go somewhere; I've made it my job to justify the existence of such things, and so now I bring you a list of the more abstract idea that is "vehicles". Let the wackiness commence. 

- Paul

Ecto-2

The Real Ghostbusters

It made more sense than trying to navigate Manhattan traffic in a giant car when you're attempting to bust free floating apparitions. I called it a helicopter but I guess technically it's an "autogyro". This one presents a weird situation: I can't remember if I had the toy or I just remember the kids in the commercial playing with it. Either way I had a great time. 

The Cart of Death

Married... With Children

A shopping cart refurbished by Al as a means to win the Foodie's One Millionth Customer Shopping Spree. Apart from looking like Super Mario's Bullet Bill, it featured several "antipersonnel" gadgets like shooting arrows and spring-loaded boxing gloves. As much as I love things that are secretly weapons, the big draw is really the Bullet Bill comparison. 

Dracula's Coach

Bram Stoker's Dracula

For an endlessly spooky movie this just may be one of the scariest bits. Nevermind the weird ghost horses pulling you towards what is ultimately Hell on Earth, but that crumbling cliff ride is no joke. Oh and the demonic Coachman (also played by Gary Oldman) gave me a nightmare when I was 9 that I still remember. 

Trimaxion Drone Ship

Flight of the Navigator

Were this a ranked list of Coolest Spaceships, this would probably place first. As a child I was a sucker for shiny things and that attitude hasn't really waned, so while it may be able to change shape, travel through space and time, and talk like Pee-wee, I'm really just here for the sexy silver curves. 

Transport Module

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I love cozy compact conveyances - stuff that's only big enough for me and maybe a friend and some snacks. Claustrophobia doesn't kick in when there's a forward momentum - especially one strong enough to bust through the Earth's crust. 

Neptune 2000

Get a Life

In an episode of this short-lived show from the early 90s, Chris Elliot sends away for a DIY submarine called The Neptune 2000. Twenty years later it arrives in the mail, and after assembling it he and his father merely sit in it, in the bathtub, and become trapped. Even still, I find it cozy. 

The Golden Condor

The Mysterious Cities of Gold

There were three things that kept me coming back to this show: the abstract promise that there will be gold, the truly epic theme song, and this giant fucking bird/plane thing that's intimidating enough to scare away foes and allies alike. 

The Wonkavator

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

He had many concoctions and contraptions and modes of transportation (all with the prefix "Wonka") but this is the one that literally breaks away from the surrealistic dread of the factory and leaves us on the highest note. Really, though, I just wanna press that awesome-looking button. 

Queen's Flying Car

"Radio Ga Ga"

In the music video for their 1984 single, the band sorta kinda superimposes themselves into scenes from Fritz Lang's Metropolis, portions of which depict them flying over the titular city in a futuristic sports car steered with a microphone. Judging by its homemade look and how it glides I always felt as though it'd handle like a really pleasant amusement park ride. 

Arwing

Star Fox

Back in '93 the big selling point of this game was that it contained the Super FX Graphics Chip. Not really sure what that did but it certainly was a neat looking game - particularly the fighter planes flown by Fox McCloud and his crew; honestly these sleek silvery angles only ever made me think of Flight of the Navigator, so clearly I'm a slave to my preferred aesthetics. 

17 MORE Unsung Sidekicks

Several years ago I compiled a list of 17 supporting players in the circus that is Pop Culture - exclusively the ones that remained in the shadow of the hero or villain they supported. They rarely appeared on a t-shirt or poster of their own and if they were lucky enough to get an action figure it was destined to collect the most dust. Today I bring you the oddly-numbered 17 more - not because I can, but because I should. 

- Paul

Hollywood

Mannequin

If this list were 100 names long and ranked, Hollywood Montrose would be Number One. On its own it's a sweet, funny, and ridiculous movie, and Hollywood is the sweetest, funniest, and more ridiculous part of it. But more than that, his undying loyalty to our lead heroes is nearly unmatched in any other work of fiction. 

Steve Gomez

Breaking Bad

You can count the entirely uncorrupted characters on this show on one hand, and Gomie is pretty close to the top. He may not have been as merciless or vigilant as his partner in crimefighting, but when his help was needed he gave absolutely everything.

Guy LeDouche

MXC

I can't say entirely "unsung" - there isn't a fan of this show that wouldn't sing his praises. And like everything else in MXC: I don't wanna know his real name or the name of whoever dubs his voice, I just want this world to be real and exist as is. 

Geoff Peterson

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I only watched a bit of it when it initially aired, but I've sacrificed many hours of sleep to the YouTube reruns of who I consider to possibly be the best late night talk show host and his gay robot skeleton crony. Thankfully that dynamic was not the one-note joke it could've been - the rapport between the two (and the guests) was always so casual and spontaneous that the gimmick almost became unnoticeable. 

Trigger

Like Father, Like Son

You could probably guess someone's age by what they know Sean Astin best from, and that's because he has a resume of iconic roles. Even as a sidekick this probably wouldn't make anyone's list, but it's Trigger's innocent meddling that sets the entire plot in motion (which, in the end, brings our two leads closer together). 

Nicky

Easy Money

Within the scope of the story, Nicky is the devil on the shoulder, presenting Monty (Rodney Dangerfield) with more obstacles than he would've otherwise endured. However, while his intentions were always selfish he was fundamentally right, and he's eventually validated for his help (or lack thereof). 

Tony

Cobra

Lieutenant Cobretti may be the cure for crime but Sgt. Tony Gonzalez is the only one who's willing to help administer that medicine - a job that requires him to go to the same extremes as his partner, but also keeping him grounded by calling him "Marion" in front of his would-be girlfriend. 

Mumbles

Dick Tracy

The fact that he folds under the heat so easily may not place him high on a scale of allegiance, but to the good guys he's a pretty reliable source for incredibly quick and concise exposition. 

Jet Girl

Tank Girl

I didn't know Naomi Watts before this 1995 movie, which was probably the same for a lotta people. And like a lotta people I definitely remembered her afterwards; while Lori Petty's lead was the stuff of teenage fantasy, the shy and bespectacled Jet Girl was the hidden gem in this desert dystopia. 

Dr. Wright

SimCity

I'm making up my own rules here: in this 1991 Super Nintendo version of the game that allows you to build your own cities, the only real characters are you the player (or "Mayor"), and Dr. Wright your financial advisor and sorta moral support cheerleader. So, he's your sidekick; there's probably only like 3 people who know what I'm talking about here but I'm sure they'd back me up. 

Sam

Clarissa Explains it All

All the girls wanted him and all the boys wanted to be him. I certainly know I did - I would've loved to have any kinda friend at that age, but one as smart and cool as Clarissa? That's clearly the stuff of fiction - courtesy of Nickelodeon Studios. 

Porky Pig

Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2th Century

He's only ever referred to as the "Eager Young Space Cadet" but I think we all know it's Porky. And such is the case as when anyone is paired with Daffy that they come out ahead as the smarter one, but also the calmer one; despite retaining his trademark stutter, Porky glides through this 1953 short with more coolness than even Bugs could. 

Itzhak Stern

Schindler's List

I suppose we could also credit the actual historical figure -- in either case, there's no subtlety in the fact that Oskar was about the "presentation" but it was Stern who really did a lot of "the work", and Ben Kingsley plays him with a sort of meek humility that makes us feel like he's the real hero of the story.

Renfield

Dracula

He's clearly gotten a lot more press in recent years, but separate from spinoffs and origins I've always found him to be one of the most tragic characters of Fiction - a sane man fighting for his soul. Though as much as I hated Dead and Loving It I'll still defend Peter MacNicol as one of the best to do it. 

Pagoda

The Royal Tenenbaums

Sometimes a sidekick doesn't really have much to offer other than the basic company of another human being - especially when no one else can stand you. Also we all need someone to give us a good stabbing now and then as a wakeup call. 

Jay

Bachelor Party

His intentions were always noble. Or maybe they weren't, who cares - he only ever told groom-to-be Rick (Tom Hanks) what he wanted to hear, and who doesn't want that? More than anything he was this architect of this social gathering that, for the most part, ended up being a success.

Cora

Cookie's Fortune

There aren't too many great things about this lite Robert Altman comedy, but the best thing in it (and maybe her career) is Julianne Moore as the dimwitted, bumbling Cora (yes, Julianne bumbles). Technically a sister to Glenn Close's Camille, she's given the nearly-impossible task of going along with a fabricated story involving the supposed murder of her aunt. She clearly doesn't have the mental capacity to keep big secrets but her efforts are commendable - and hilarious. 

TETROMINO GO GO

9 Magazine Covers From 1990

They say you can't judge a book by its cover -- but you can definitely judge a year by its magazine covers, because those are the rules I've just made up. But you don't have to take my word for it; come with me on this journey as I throw nine 35-year-old magazine covers on the scanner to create a nostalgic pastiche of yesteryear. And no, I didn't go the extra mile and scan the contents of any of these - partly because, as you may remember, I hate fuckin' scanning, but more than that I found that these covers on their own are striking and informative enough to fuel this time machine to get us back to good ol' 1990. Let's kick it!

- Paul

Nintendo Power 

At this point (Spring 1990) the Ninja Turtles had the #1 movie and the #1 Nintendo game. Neither would last, as evidenced here by the fanfare surrounding the very recent release of what would go on to be their best-selling video game and what is often hailed as simply the best video game of all time: Super Mario Bros. 3. To us youngsters this was like our North Star in the 90s - after the big tease from The Wizard at the end of '89, the star of the biggest toy of the 1980s had flown right into the next decade with the waggle of a raccoon tail. Like most of the things on this list, it defined a generation, and that generation has carried it with them to this day and is desperately trying to recreate it. 

Action Films '90

It's amazing how quickly the Turtles phenomenon got lost in the shuffle; with an immensely popular cartoon, toy line, video game, and now blockbuster movie, 1990 just had too much to offer. But through this particular lens their real competition was apparently Steven Seagal and Rutger Hauer and their respectively awesome new releases, Hard to Kill and Blind Fury (apparently Blind Fury didn't make it to the US until 7 months after its August '89 release in Germany). But the real food for thought here is the article titled "Jean Claude Van Damme, A Hero for the 90s" - I wouldn't say that exactly panned out, but it got me to thinking as to who exactly was the leading 90s Action Star. Obviously this led me down a mental rabbit hole comparing 80s and 90s Cinema, so I'll just leave you to ponder that answer for yourself. If you come up with any ideas lemme know! 

DuckTales Magazine

Scrooge and his grandnephews have been around since the 1950s but the TV show from which this magazine derives began in '87 and would eventually become a part of "The Disney Afternoon" which launched in September of 1990. Honestly that's probably around the time I started watching it - DuckTales was specifically an after-school show and always bookended some other cartoons I had no interest in. For the longest time this was the only Disney property that I truly adored, and even that was largely due to its connection to the Dickens character (and also my love of cartoon treasure). I will go on record and say Chip 'n Dale maybe possibly had the slightly better theme song. Don't put that on my tombstone. 

GoreZone

Get in the Zone! Surprisingly (or maybe predictably, I'm not sure) 1990 was a spectacular year for Horror: Jacob's Ladder, Misery, Troll 2, Texas Chainsaw 3, Demon Wind, and also the two headliners in this magazine, Tales From the Darkside: The Movie and Night of the Living Dead. Like a lotta the years that end in "0" the fashions of two decades blend into a collision of all flavors, and scary movies were always a great barometer for that. Here we were rebooting older properties and had they been in the 80s, I feel like they would've been gorier, dumber, and duller. Instead, Tales From the Darkside is perhaps the most flawless Horror Anthology film ever made, while it's no secret that I find Savini's Living Dead remake to be better than any Zombie movie Romero ever made. You don't have be on board with any of that, but what is irrefutable is that 90s Horror certainly began on time. 

Playboy

Here's another solid bridge between the two eras, featuring Miss July herself, Erika Eleniak, costar of 90s hallmark Baywatch. This magazine is always a reliable source when you're trying to revisit a specific time period - especially if you wanna know about trends in technology (Sanyo had a record player/CD changer combo for $349) or men's fashion (they tried to convince us the fedora/trench coat ensemble was coming back à la Dick Tracy). But the biggest peek into the decade ahead is an interview with Jerry Seinfeld, whose gradual rise in standup comedy fame has gotten the attention of NBC who're hoping to expand their pilot The Seinfeld Chronicles into a sitcom. Good luck, Jerry. 

Starlog

Really this is just my way at giving a standing ovation to Starlog for making the Vegetable Gremlin a star - even if it was only for a brief cycle through the newsstands. As noted here there were a handful of Science Fiction properties in 1990: Back to the Future III, Robocop 2, Quantam Leap, Star Trek Next Generation. But also mentions of Batman, Dick Tracy, and The Little Mermaid, which indicates two things: Starlog slowly but surely made it their mission to pander to the entire pantheon of geekdom regardless of genre labels, and there were some properties of pop culture that were too big to even pretend to ignore; no nerd magazine is gonna do a 1990 "Yearbook" without mentioning Tracy. 

TV Guide

Even the world's leading Television magazine had Dick Tracy front & center, along with Batman (which was 18 months old at this point) and John Wesley Shipp as The Flash from the new big budget CBS show based on the comic (it was cancelled 5 months later). To be fair this was also to push the Home Video market which even at this point was still growing in popularity. So between this stuff alongside the Ninja Turtles video release it was obvious that comic books were finally ready for the screen. The imminent Rocketeer couldn't miss! 

Modern Screen

Here's where all the TV news is hiding -- 1990 summed up in one little collage. Will the snarky Simpsons reach more viewers than the clean Cosbys? Is Arsenio bigger than Carson? Will we find out who killed Laura Palmer? Also odd to think that Uncle Buck and Ferris Bueller both had their own TV shows at this time (as well as Parenthood, followed by the Look Who's Talking spinoff Baby Talk). Tiny Toons premiered this year, along with 90210, Fresh Prince, In Living Color, and the detestable America's Funniest People which was just an even more irritating and self aware version of Funniest Videos. It lasted all the way to '94 but eventually just turned into YouTube. 

Entertainment Weekly

It's safe to say we saw a lot of Madonna that year. Even before every curve of the planet was saturated in Dick Tracy symbolism, the song (and video) of the Spring was "Vogue". Then there was this grainy black & white aesthetic that became synonymous with her Blonde Ambition tour and was also used to great effect in the "Justify My Love" video (as well as in most fashion and fragrance advertising). But really the most notable thing about this cover (and the actual contents) is the deep dive into Edward Scissorhands which only occupied the last two weeks of the year but for me it was the cultural event of 1990 -- more than Dick Tracy or Turtles or Mario; everything else faded into the background for the foreseeable future and suddenly the movie with no stickers or t-shirts or acton figures to offer became my biggest intellectual hobby. I came into this year as a child and left as a man (which surprisingly had nothing to do with Madonna). 

Black Cherry

Everything's Coming Up Cherries!

When we get excited about something we look for it in everything - eventually to the point that we're convinced it is looking for us. Mother Proulx never raised such a foolish child - I'm well aware that I'm currently all hopped up on a steady diet of cherry sodas, to the point that my pupils are just little cartoon fruits. What I'm trying to say is I'm immersed in a theme and my brain insists on keeping it going, so for the sake of sanity (or lack thereof, who cares) here are 10 notable cherry-related moments from Pop Culture. 

- Paul

Twin Peaks

Whenever I'm poised to purchase a pie, the option of cherry is never on my radar - except when we're on or approaching Twin Peaks day (February 24), and only then do I seem to find its taste to be damn good. And god knows this isn't just me being weird about food again - on the long list of openly fetishized elements of this show, a powerful lust for pie doesn't feel like that much of a deep cut. And no one can sell cherry like Dale Cooper (except maybe Shelly Johnson). 

Super Mario Bros. 2

My favorite of the Super Mario games (some honor, I've only played like four of them), and the biggest reason it's my favorite is probably because of how colorful it is - from the box it comes in to the gameplay itself. My favorite shade of blue is "Super Mario 2 sky blue" and that sky is beautifully punctuated with little bunches of floating bright red cherries. When you collect 5 of them the game presents you with an invincibility star, but that was entirely immaterial - I just got the cherries because I wanted them. 

"Cherry Pie" Warrant

There are hundreds of songs that involve cherries, but when I reached up into the ether of my mind this was the first one that grazed my fingertips. But it wasn't entirely arbitrary - I would consciously nominate this as the anthem to the suggestive side of the cherry's iconography (though this song speeds right past "suggestive" into "literally" town). It appears on Warrant's album of the same name, and between the album cover and imagery in the music video, no one can argue its cherryfied status. 

Hi-Ho! Cherry-O

I'd never even heard of this board game until my son got it when he was still a toddler. To the unenlightened: you spin the dial to determine how many little plastic cherries you're to pick from the cherry tree and place in your basket - most cherries wins. Its rudimentary innocence is charming, but all the functioning parts of this game are respectively gorgeous; the illustrations on the dial and the board would suggest he received some sorta retro "throwback" anniversary edition based on the enchanting 1970s artwork with which they're adorned. And the tiny bright red cherry pieces make it like Super Mario 2 come to life! (And had I had this game as a child that's exactly what I would've used it for.) 

The Witches of Eastwick

Cherries are generally sexy -- I'm not gonna list all the ways it's just an inherent thing. But Lust is a sin no matter how tangental, and the judgement can be severe (especially if you saw this movie before the age of 5). Clearly the attraction to cherries and all that they signify isn't lost on me, but neither are the effects of this 1987 Horror Comedy in which Veronica Cartwright projectile pukes masticated cherry goo all over her living room leaving everything coated in slimy cherry pits. Sing it with me: "Tastes so good make a grown man cry! Sweet Cherry Pie!"

Gambling

Slot machines, scratch tickets, Bingo cards, any kinda game that requires universal symbols has often latched onto the familiar cherry. And I think it's because of that usage of fruit that gambling seemed that much more attractive to me when I was a child. A smoking camel never coerced me into anything, but if you're throwing colorful little cherries at me then I'm sure to bet the house. 

Seinfeld

In a Season 4 episode of the show, Elaine sprays her boyfriend/would-be-attacker Joe Davola in the face with cherry Binaca breath spray. Later in the episode his presence is identified by the smell of cherry. (Just a reminder that when I hear "cherry" this is the stuff I think of, folks.) 

McCartney - Paul McCartney

I openly celebrate this album all the time - partly because of its content, but equally because it's my favorite album cover of all time: and this is my chance to explicitly point out that it's entirely due to the cherries. Photographed by Linda, it added fuel to the fire of the infamous Death Hoax - depicting an empty bowl as an inverse to "life is a bowl of cherries". So it's got spooky subtext too!

Big

There are actually a handful of great food moments in this movie, but this bizarre, probably-ad libbed scene between Josh and Billy is less about appetizing ice cream and more about laughs. I can't imagine it on paper or even Penny finding the words to "direct it" but it was strong enough to make an appearance in most of the trailers and TV spots, just about solidifying it as an Iconic Cherry Moment. 

Max Cherry

Some of you may find this one to be a stretch. There's the door, pal. The rest of you can appreciate the fact that when I hear "Cherry" it sometimes reminds me of one of the great characters of contemporary storytelling. And this isn't a rationalization either: Cherry Bail Bonds does indeed use the red fruit as part of its business logo - because who's wouldn't?