There Ought to be (more) Clowns!

Here I am to pay tribute to even more marginalized mimes and pranksters from Pop Culture that hold a place in my heart. Pretty quickly after compiling the first list I thought of a bunch more examples of these candy-colored crusaders that excite and inspire me - because these are really the only kindsa things I think about. (Don't be surprised if this isn't the last list.) Honk! Honk! 

- Paul

Marie and Michelle

Requiem For a Vampire

The film opens with these two young ladies, dressed as clowns, being pursued in a car chase/shootout. We're never really made aware as to who is chasing them or why, or why they're dressed as clowns, but everything considered amounts to what is maybe the greatest movie opening of all time - or at least one that seems to've been custom-made for me. 

Jangles the Clown

Inside Out

He's meant to be scary -- actually he's a manifestation of deep, dark fears (and coincidentally shares a scene with Bill Hader). But he obviously doesn't come across as too terrifying in this PG Pixar movie (I guess he'd count as a "mild thematic element"), and instead has an otherwise lovable dopiness about him that feels more like the foil from older Disney films; he very much gives the same mood as the giant from 1947's Mickey and the Beanstalk.

Sticky the Clown

Married... With Children

Hired by Peg as a surprise for Bud's 18th Birthday party, Sticky is a former TV Clown who's just been paroled from prison as part of a work release program. His props include a flask of hard liquor and a hunting knife. Other than that, the only thing we know about him is that we shouldn't confuse him with a clown who given a damn. 

Sex-Head and Death-Head

31

The World of Rob Zombie leaves us no shortage of clowns, but I feel compelled to pay homage to this natural born killer couple who seem to love each other as much as they love stabbing people. Obviously my big draw here is E. G. Daily in clown drag, but I wanna give extra recognition to Torsten Voges who's made a career out of weaponizing his German accent to comic crescendos, from Lords of Salem to Seinfeld to Big Lebowski ("I fuck you!").

Buttons the Clown

The Greatest Show on Earth

Two important elements that haven't come up very much on my lists are The Circus, and "The Tragic Clown", and this movie has both of those covered. Despite his otherwise recognizable physicality, Jimmy Stewart is completely disguised in the role (until he speaks of course). Really the main draw is the fashion: the raggedy button-down and fedora combo of his off duty wardrobe feels like an overlap of Silver Age Joker and the Heath Ledger version.

Johnny Clay

The Killing

Let's face it: "clowns as gangsters" is undeniably cool. But the wonderful contrast here is that there's nothing bubbly or jovial or clownish about Sterling Hayden in general, and if anything he's even more stern and grumbly once he puts on the mask. But again, this one's all about style for me: the whole ensemble with the gloves and the gun and the almost expressionless mask is a Halloween costume goal. Or just to wear around the house or to Target or wherever. 

David Bowie

"Ashes to Ashes"

I'm definitely of two minds on the idea of "The Music Video". On the one hand, I've found them to be the richest example of what filmmaking and the moving picture can achieve. On the other hand, I find it inconvenient that so many of them dominate the imagery in my head when I hear certain songs. Having said that, I can't hear one note of this song without picturing Bowie in his Pagliacci-inspired getup. 

Steve Mahanahan's Child Clown Outlet

Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job

I haven't addressed too many "creepy clowns" because meh. But one of the joys of this recurring sketch is its very unsettling subtext; beneath the enthusiastic veneer of business owner Steve Mahanahan is a grim darkness that certainly involves kidnapping, abuse, and probably some kinda trafficking situation. If all of that's too disturbing, they've got fudge!

Doo Doo the Clown

Billy Madison

It took me years to warm up to this movie, and when my snobbery finally lifted it was due, in part, to Doo Doo. It was during its one millionth broadcast on TV, a little over two thirds into the film when the entire cast bands together for a Busby Berkeley song & dance sequence and its sorta brilliant absurdity finally and wholly sank in on me, and its peak surrealist moment was when the barely-referenced Doo Doo the Clown sings a verse to assure the audience that he is, in fact, not dead. 

Clown Surgeon

Pee-wee's Big Adventure

Like Pee-wee rescuing the snakes from the burning pet shop, I put it off as long as I could; this movie features several spectacular clowns, to the point that I felt it was all just too obvious and easy. But I couldn't resist, and my choice goes to the scary doctor operating on Pee-wee's bike. It's most effective because it's played as a shocking reveal that he's a clown, and it's done mostly with performance (the actor's credit is a mystery) and very minimal makeup. (Again, a very easy but effective Halloween costume idea!)

TOP SECRET CLOWN BUSINESS!

Hi. I'm Paul and I'm a coulrophile. That means I like clowns -- as in, like like clowns, particularly of the opposite sex. But this isn't about my weird thing, because today I'm here to celebrate all clowns of all genders from all walks of popular culture - particularly the following 10 great harlequins, jesters, and other synonyms for these colorful entertainers who simply want to make merry and bring a smile to your face. Sorry if it gets uncomfortable. 

- Paul

Candy Walker and Amanda Keeler

Batman

Nearly parallel to my obsession with The Joker was my love for these two fashion models who fell victim to the Smylex poison. Granted their deformed likenesses were used deceptively in a cartoonish way, but as a kid it seemed a lot less gruesome. After all, they look a lot happier. 

Scoopy The Clown

Carnival

Most recognizable as a midcentury mascot for Carnival Brand ice cream cones and plastic straws, but I'm just old enough to remember that joyous grin from the shelves of my pantry on Bennett Place in the late 1980s. Those very early memories also coincide with attending the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, so already some of my earlier examples of clowns involve sugar and spectacle. 

Pooter The Clown

Uncle Buck

He drives a mouse, he's got dildo jokes, and in the field of local live home entertainment he's a God! The ever reliable Mike Starr delivering his crass surliness under playful greasepaint is a performance we don't praise enough -- you can smell the booze. 

Sabrina Duncan, "Circus of Terror"

Charlie's Angels

In this Season 2 episode, the Angels investigate strange accidents at a Circus, and so they go undercover: Kelly poses as a stunt motorcyclist, Kris as a knife-thrower's assistant, and Sabrina becomes a clown (technically a mime but still). The only thing you really need to know is that Sabrina/Kate Jackson will forever be my favorite Angel, so this episode feels like a gift just for me. 

Grimm

Quick Change

When you think about it, lots of today's entertainers are just makeup-less clowns (I realize this isn't an epiphany, I'm aware of the evolution of Comedy over the centuries), but it becomes that much more obvious when you actually witness certain performers don the guise. In other words, the clown shoe fits Bill Murray without any stretch of the imagination. 

Zeebo, "The Tale of the Laughing in the Dark"

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I'm not pulling too much from the deep well that is "Scary Clowns" (the genre's so stale at this point), but Zeebo is more notable for a couple reasons. Technically he's a ghost that we barely actually see, which is so badass and a good example of why this series ruled. But presented here in his stiff animatronic iteration he is the most perfect design for a clown of this era -- because yes, if "90s Clown" isn't a subgenre, I'm making it one right now. 

Claire The Clown

Short Cuts

Anne Archer seemed to be in everything when I was a kid, often as frazzled and depressed women. Technically Short Cuts is no different, but under those red cheeks and green bangs I think I felt her melancholy more than in any other role. It's also the hottest she's ever looked. 

Bart's new bed, "Lisa's First Word"

The Simpsons

As a toddler, Bart graduated from crib to this surprisingly creative (though admittedly unsettling) big boy bed built by Homer. It spawned one of the show's more peripheral catchphrases, "Can't sleep, clown will eat me", becoming the mantra for the "fear of clowns" fad that still lingers around today. 

Loonette

The Big Comfy Couch

Ok, so I was about 12 or 13 when my niece started watching this in the mid 90s -- that's a very confusing age for a young boy, and my strong feelings for the high-spirited clown girl with the bouncy dark hair and the candy colored nose who'd lie on the floor with her legs in the air only confused me further. Or maybe not confused - maybe I was just discovering who I was. Thanks, Loonette. 

Props of Desire

Hey nerd, you like laser swords? How about the ghost-catching stuff? Wizard wands? Ruby slippers? Flux capacitors? Rosebud?

There are straight up recognizable treasures, and then there are these: objects of lust that only exist as a function to their respective worlds, reminding us that we don't actually live inside a movie, and keep us asking, "Where do they get those wonderful toys?" 

Some have magic powers, some just have aesthetic appeal, all have rent-free real estate in my heart.

- Paul

The Tin Man's heart

The Wizard of Oz

I know it's just a symbolic ornament, but the reds in this movie are just beyond mesmerizing. So even before the slippers or the apples or the Witch's hourglass, this sparkling timepiece is judged by how much I love it. 

Silver spheres

Starman

I never knew what to call these. "Magic balls?" It was fine that they could manipulate the elements of his immediate surroundings, but their size and shape and dull bluish-grey metallic sheen was the only reason I needed them. And they glowed!

Joker's pistol

Batman

A solid black revolver with a long barrel was the most attractive of movie weaponry to me. So imagine my shock & awe when the Clown Prince of Crime pulled this monster out of his pants...

Toy space capsule

The Right Stuff

The Mercury Space Capsule was and is one of my favorite manmade things in terms of function and design - this gothic Giger-esque tomb looks more like it came from outer space, not the other way around. But in the film, Gus & Gordo are playing with these tiny-but-heavy duty toy versions that are exquisitely accurate. Reasonably (and practically) I just want those. 

Abraham Lincoln, Pancake Maker

Pee-wee's Big Adventure

Pee-wee's playhouse has plenty of alluring psychedelic oddities, but his private residence is where it's at. There are too many collectibles and decorations and pieces of art to absorb even in the first few shots we're given (the breakfast machine alone is brimming with riches) but the life-size Abe flapjack flipper is more than enough for me. 

Pocketknife

To Kill A Mockingbird

When I was little I couldn't really tell what it was - just a solid jumble of black & grey, but I loved the sound it made when Jem digs it out of the box. Even still, now that I know what it is, it's my favorite of Boo's treasures.  

Schwartz ring

Spaceballs

Not a mega fan of this movie, but like its source material, it's full of SciFi gadgetry and fantasy lore - working together in this sparkly ring. The fact that it's later revealed that it came out of a Crackerjack box made me want it more.

Thermal detonator

Return of the Jedi

Lightsabers or a good blaster are fine and they had their moment, but I was always so curious about the shiny hand grenade with the lights & buttons & moving parts. It just looked like a cool toy - it was a bonus that it was an explosive. 

Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Look, I just like grenades - it's the 4-year-old in me - but this blessed bomb is so beautiful that it doesn't even matter that it becomes a deadly weapon at the count of three...

Control lever

The Time Machine

Ok, so I want the whole goddamn contraption, but I'm tryna stay humble & realistic. After all, this crystal-handled wand is basically the car keys to the whole machine, so it's got relevance too. 

The box

Mulholland Drive

Really it needs to come with the key to make it a complete set. I love little ornate boxes -- even if they're filled with existential dread and waking nightmares, I'm sure there's still plenty of room for a few buffalo nickels and old movie stubs. 

Penthouse

Stripes

It's the movie that sparked my love of grenades! But they pale in comparison here; so many movies are filled with all kindsa fake literature -- but I'll take a P.J. Soles Penthouse over a Paul Sheldon novel any day.

Fingertrap

The Addams Family

There's a lotta beautiful treasure in this otherwise dark, gothic saga, but this jewel-encrusted party favor is the most attractive thing in the movie (after Dan Hedaya). This shoulda been part of Hot Topic's inventory for the past 30 years. 

Dancing Jesuses

A Clockwork Orange

If I'd had a desired aesthetic when I was 13, it could've been "Ironic Religious Iconography." Even still I love how aggressively tasteless it is, and I'd be honored to have such an elegant monument to Stanley's sense of humor. 

Microchips

Innerspace

I didn't know what microchips were when I was 5 - I still kinda don't know. Kinda don't care either - I did deduce that they were cute little candy-colored buttons that had the magic to miniaturize Dennis Quaid. Other than that I just wanted these little geometric science playthings. 

The Orb

Sleeper

When I was little I didn't understand that it was supposed to be some sorta recreational drug reference - I just liked the big shiny sphere that brought on expert physical comedy. 

TRADING CARDS :: Girls! Girls! Girls!

Shortly before I discovered the existence of actual nudie cards, I got by on the excitement of having cardboard pictures of women from other non-sports sets. But before I get vaguely weird and uncomfortably specific, I can say that the 'hero shot' cards were always the ones I was drawn to most - sports and non alike - more than the muddled 'action shots' that barely conveyed any kinda drama or movement. (Actually, I guess we're already getting weird and specific.)

Moving on. Let's take a look at 5 (actually, 7) fictional female characters who have been immortalized on paper and encrusted in stale bubblegum dust.

- Paul


GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH (#16) "Seductive Marla" -- Topps, 1990

My favorite New Batch cards in order: all of the individual gremlins, then all the individual mogwai, and then Marla. For a lotta popular movies around this time, you'd see the same glamour shots used in their respective trading cards as you would in the films' series of posters you'd buy in the store. Gremlins 2 did not have such a line of posters, and even if they had, what do you think the odds are that this "seductive" home-wrecker would've gotten her own 24x36? In my heart I hafta believe they woulda just stuck with Gizmo & the gremlins, because the very thought that I could've had a Marla poster is too much to bear.


BATMAN (#66) "Let's Go Shopping!" -- Topps, 1989

I didn't pay extra close attention to them in the movie, but represented on a tangible trading card forced me into an unquenchable infatuation with the bikini Joker groupies. I used to pick out my favorite cards from the set and keep them on me - not to really look at them, but just to have 'em - and you can clearly see the love that's gone into this one. I can't totally describe it: I think all my platonic feelings for The Joker had been converted into this mildly sexualized presentation, thus stimulating and advancing my otherwise healthy fondness for clowns.
Or maybe I just wanted to get with a goth chick who was happy all the time...


BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA (#46) -- Topps, 1992

To a 9-year-old, Lucy was pretty exciting - and her lusty writhing and moaning made for a largely unnoticed transformation into vampirism. But as The Count's sex slave(?), she goes through various hair and wardrobe changes (as well as different stages of life and afterlife), which allotted me several Lucy cards to choose from. I bypassed the popular 'zombie' Lucy appearance in favor of this - but there was really no wrong answer here; these cards (like all the merch to come outta this movie) were so decadently eloquent that we almost didn't deserve them -- even if the movie did.


THE GOONIES (#7) "Introducing Andy and Stef" -- Topps, 1985

Hey, another twofer! I could be sore & complain that we got rooked outta two separate cards (even Mama Fratelli got her own portrait), but it's easy to be optimistic because they were kinda my two favorite 'Goonies.' so I'll take this as the bonus that it is. In fact, since we're living with the constant threat of unfair remakes and sad sequels, I would actually welcome an Andy and Stef spin-off flick - especially if the entire premise is just them hanging out & exchanging compelling dialogue.


LOST (#77) "Tested" -- Inkworks, 2005

With all its colorful mysteries and delicious pacing and relentless character development, the first season of Lost coasted a bit on the idea of "who's hot?" - because we're human and that's how that works. And from the show's humble beginnings to its wacky finale, I was consistently a 'Claire' guy - up to and including (and particularly) her Hot Topic past and her dirty jungle-lady descent into madness.
These are stats worthy of a trading card.

Blood, Gore, and Glop: The Best of TREEHOUSE OF HORROR

A handful of shows have notable 'Halloween episodes,' but none are as consistent, scrutinized, praised, and argued over as The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" subseries.
It's during these episodes when we become more acutely aware that the show is obviously crafted by folks with an encyclopedic knowledge of film, literature, television, folklore, urban legends, and anything and everything else horror- (and non-horror) related. But that's just the topping on this cursed frogurt, because while some other satirical animated shows rest their weight solely on their pop culture knowledge, the "Treehouse" eps utilize classic and contemporary stories in a way that makes them their own; no one would ever confuse The Shining with The Shinning (and not just for fear of legal repercussions).
"Treehouse of Horror" allows The Simpsons to fully embrace the sometimes-forgettable fact that it is a cartoon - if for no other reason than the entire cast is mangled, mutated, and killed in gruesome ways over and over again... but not for real.
Whatever your holiday movie-viewing agenda consists of, there's most likely a "Treehouse" counterpart to supplement it. Whenever or however we choose to watch them, they're usually designated by our favorite segments - as each special is an anthology of three stories. So, instead of doing a list of favorite episodes yet again, here, most specifically, are our respective favorite chapters from the "Treehouse of Horror" episodes - guaranteed by Paul Anka himself.

Paul's List

1. "Time and Punishment" - V
Best Moment: After many failed attempts to avoid disrupting the past, Homer ignites a rage-fueled 180 and purposefully destroys his prehistoric setting; clubbing and squishing flora and fauna, big and and small, resulting in increasingly absurd consequences.

2. "Homer3" - VI
Best Moment: A trying struggle in inter-dimensional limbo literally lands Homer in a dumpster in Southern California. Understandably disoriented and distraught, his tension is entirely thwarted by the prospect of pornographic pastries.

3. "Fly vs. Fly" - VIII
Best Moment: Shortly after Bart uses Homer's Matter Transporter in an attempt to crossbreed himself with a fly, Marge decides to investigate when she's confronted with an excessive amount of mist.

4. "Easy-Bake Coven" - VIII
Best Moment: The entire segment transcends the usual farce as it goes so far beyond satirizing 17th century witch hunts and brilliantly evolves into their own original allegory about the origins of Tick-or-Treating.

5. "Stop the World, I Want to Goof Off" - XIV
Best Moment: It's consistently one of my favorite storylines in all science fiction -- it was only fitting that it found its way to Bart and Milhouse (and that they would use the power of stopping time only for pranks and mischief). And even after fifteen years, the effects of their havoc are still being felt - especially by Homer, whose nasal cavities are filled with a seemingly endless supply of plastic green army men.


Jess's List

1. "Bart's Nightmare" - II
Best Moment: Homer and Marge's positive attitude towards the disfiguring of Snowball II and the ignition of the kitchen curtains.

2. "Clown Without Pity" - III
Best Moment: It has made me laugh for two decades that Homer is not just plagued by an evil Krusty doll, but has issues with the toaster as well.

3. "The Devil and Homer Simpson" - IV
Best Moment: More often than not I know where Homer is coming from, and most days I would sell my soul for a donut too.

4. "Attack of the 50 Foot Eyesores" - VI
Best Moment: Lard Lad wanting his giant donut back is just plain classic. Of course Homer would keep it and blame Flanders.

5. "Citizen Kang" - VII
Best Moment: In an otherwise goofy episode, it's hilarious when Bob Dole and former President Clinton are holding hands. That's truly horrific!