ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part XII: "Dinoshark" and Totino's Combination Pizza Rolls

In the early 2000s, the SciFi Channel publicly disclosed that they'd intended on producing "Roger Corman-esque" feature films for their station. Upon hearing this, Roger Corman contacted SciFi and suggested that they start making real Roger Corman movies. And so, the partnership was born. 

In 2010, after several years of various Creature Features for the channel, Roger and Julie Corman added Dinoshark to the roster. It follows a prehistoric killer fish that gets birthed after some stock footage glaciers crumble into the ocean, freeing the ancient eggs out into the world - all the way to the beaches of Mexico where it interrupts the lives of some attractive people who'd rather be doing fun, sexy things but now they gotta deal with this bullshit. It features Eric Balfour cruising around in a speedboat halfheartedly warning some select acquaintances about the Dinoshark, and also Iva Hasperger taking care of the science stuff and going as far to seek out the wisdom of a dino expert played by Roger Corman. We're in Made-For-TV territory so the sex is relegated to a few gratuitous bikini shots and the violence is mostly ocean water turning red (though some bitten-in-half remains wash ashore and it's pretty gnarly). The Dinoshark itself is sadly too sparse and abstract to be scary or funny - though they do use a physical sculpted head for some closeups which is a little more effective. But mostly it's just a goofy carton fish that they wisely show very little of. 

You know what they say about pizza rolls: "Betcha can't eat just 50!" Because of the dynamics of this classic pizza dish we were able to utilize our Full Moon French Fry Air Fryer, which resulted in minimal to no pizza goo spillage from the "rolls". Otherwise they came out as consistent and reliable as they're known to be, but that observation comes with decades of pizza roll wisdom. If you're not familiar with them, their taste and texture resembles no elements found in your everyday 'za, so the barometer is in a whole other ballpark -- perhaps not unlike our motion picture today; a Made-For-TV Roger Corman SciFi Original Movie comes with specific expectations that may not match those of a movie of a different genre, budget, etc. And while Corman's Drive-In days offered more exciting content than cable, Totino's Pizza Rolls were better when they were Jeno's Pizza Rolls (before the rebrand back in 1993). Point is, we're forced to redirect standards all the time. 

The Movie: C-

The Pizza: A-

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part II: "Crash and Burn" and Checkers/Rally's Famous Seasoned Fries

In 1977 STAR WARS raised the bar for quality Science Fiction, particularly in terms of narrative scope and production value, and low budget spaceship movies seemed to be forever doomed to cower in its groundbreaking shadow. Two years later, Alien reduced that scope back to a more manageable (and affordable) scale, relying largely on atmosphere and performance. Once again, independent cheapies could lean on damp boiler rooms and matching jumpsuits to create a believable environment. 

1990's Crash and Burn takes place in the distant dystopian future of 2030(!) when the world has run out of money and computers have been outlawed(!!). Accordingly, there is a rebellion against this oppression, though our core cast doesn't really have a lot to do with that - at least not until it's suspected that one of them is a "Synth" (cyborg, android, etc.), which leads to a beat-for-beat rehash of the blood test scene from Carpenter's The Thing. Directed by Charles Band, the cast (and characters) are largely likable, featuring familiar faces like Megan Ward, Ralph Waite, Jack McGee, and Bill Moseley flexing his range all the way into mild-mannered and charming. It borrows from various James Cameron properties as usual, and characters spout exposition till their dying breaths, but it has a good momentum and a few classy effects. Also, one of its cleverest plot points is that computer technology became illegal in the 1990s so all of the dated devices are explained away very neatly. 

While pizza is still relegated to our ramshackle oven, we've obtained an air fryer for our continuing french fry affairs. In its maiden voyage is took on a bag of Checkers/Rally's Famous Seasoned Fries - though perhaps we're largely ignorant to the world of frozen french fries because we can't say we've ever heard of these (apart from the recognizable checkered bag that can be spotted in most grocery stores). But apart from the air fryer cooking them faster and more evenly than we're used to, the fries are noticeably more "seasoned" than your typical freezer burnt potato chunks - almost to the point that they needn't the embellishments of salt, ketchup, or other. They also maintained a consistent consistency of crispiness - which, again, may or may not have had something to do with the way they were cooked. Either way they were a success. 

The Movie: B

The Fries: A-

Dog Day '92

The time on the cable box reads 9:37. That feels too early, I hate waking up when there's three numbers on the clock instead of four. What day is it? It's either Wednesday or Thursday. Even on vacation the weekdays all feel the same and I spend them looking forward to the weekend so I can get back to Ronny's house and keep working on A Link to the Past. The goal is to beat it by the end of summer and August is starting to give me the Sunday Night Blues. We've already rescued the Seven Sages and we have no idea how many levels are left, but between swimming in the pool and vacations in Maine and all the new Nickelodeon shows on Saturday nights, we might not get there before school starts. 

But now I'm up, and I go downstairs where Mom's in the parlor with Donahue on the TV and Teika on the couch next to her, but she's not really watching it, she's more into the TV Guide crossword at the moment so I can put on whatever I want. First place I go is channel 13 - Nickelodeon. David the Gnome is on. Man, I haven't watched this since Kindergarten, and I watched the hell out of it back then, but looking at it now it feels like such a baby show compared to Ren & Stimpy. I check WNDS because I know it's time for back-to-back Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, but it's a black & white Bewitched so I keep flipping. I go to channel 23, VH1, because there's always a good chance they're playing Queen stuff - especially since Wayne's World came out in February, and even more now that it just came out on tape. Sure enough, they're playing the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert again. It's cool, but I'd rather see old music videos and documentaries with the whole band. But I leave this on while I eat my Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and wait for George Michael to sing "Somebody to Love". That's the best part. 

It's sunny out. It's hot but it's early so there's lots of shade from the trees. There's nothing really to do outside except maybe ride my bike to Bennett Store, which I've done twice already this week so I have to find a way to ask for more money. At this rate there's no way I'm gonna get the complete set of the Batman Returns cards, but I'm still gonna try to get a pack every chance I get. I also need to replace my pouch of Big League Chew that's all melted together. Really though, the main reason I wanna go to the store is to buy more Coke in glass bottles, which is not a secret to Mom. I'm sure I've already spent close to $10 this week just on those bottles, but you have to understand, I've waited my whole life for this - an entire 9½ years wishing I could drink soda out of those beautiful, old-fashioned bottles like they do in the movies. I've been filling my empties with Coke from the plastic 2 liter in the fridge but it's obviously not the same - the excitement of prying the bottle cap, the sweat dripping down the curves, even the taste is different. Mom gets it, kinda, and she's been very generous so far but she keeps reminding me that she's not gonna give money every day for this. But I ask anyways -- actually, I ask if I can go get a ham & cheese grinder, and those are $2.25, so if she has a five dollar bill she'll most likely let me have the whole thing. Also this way she doesn't have to make me lunch. She knows this, and so she gives me a ten(!), but wants five back. I have to make this count.

I decide to walk to the store. Every time I ride my bike I feel nervous about leaving it outside and so I feel rushed. I can't rush today, I have exactly $5 to spend and I need to figure out the math (but I'm sure a couple extra quarters will be ok). It's not quite noon yet, and it takes only three minutes to walk there (two if I cut through the trees behind Bennett School) but I'm already sweating by the time I get to the store. Even the giant wooden screen door doesn't let enough fresh air into the place to be comfortable. Thankfully I'm the only customer in this tiny space but it's still humid and smells like potato salad. I walk over to the the tall deli counter and ignore the pile of wrapped sandwiches behind the glass because mine has to be specially made. "Ham and cheese grinder with just mayo. That's it!" The lady knows this, but I know if I don't ask specifically then they will mess it up - I hate picking off tiny little strings of lettuce. While it's being made I go into the walk-in cooler to get what I really came for. I let the door close behind me and just spend some time letting the frosty air cool my sweat. It's like a neat clubhouse in here - dim lighting, surrounded by Apple Slice and Crystal Pepsi, protected by a giant door that looks like a bank vault. And just then the old guy who works here opens the door and sees me standing there. "Nice and cool in here, huh?!" He's not mad, but I grab my single 8 oz glass bottle of Coca-Cola and head back out into the store. This should leave me with $1.50 (I think). The reason my Big League Chew melted was probably because I got bored with it - I need something new. Fruit Stripe? Cinn-a-Burst? Bubble Tape is basically Big League Chew in a different shape so that's out. Bart's really got me into Butterfingers lately but I got a whole bag of fun size ones at home. Everything else here is dumb; bubblegum cigar, Tootsie Pop, plastic army men with plastic parachutes... oh man, the Batman Returns cards are sold out?! Who else in this neighborhood is buying these except for me? Obviously I don't want these Ninja Turtles III or Star Trek Next Generation packs, and I'm not alone because there's a million of them left. I can't waste this extra money but I'm not excited about any of this stuff -- except for the Coke... Right! I'll get another bottle! That way I don't have to figure out another excuse tomorrow to come back here. A second bottle makes good financial sense. 

I get back with my grinder, my two Cokes, and Mom's change. I explain my decision to her about the extra soda and she says "okay" in a "that's fine" kinda way. I feel so rich having two unopened bottles! I couldn't imagine what it's like having a whole six pack - I'd probably never open them and just display them somewhere so I could look at them all the time. But I have no problem opening these - half the fun is drinking out of them. I open one with the fridge magnet bottle opener and take my ham & cheese and get set up in the parlor and try to find something on TV - hopefully a movie. I check HBO... Mannequin 2: On the Move. I hate Mannequin 2 - why don't they play part one anymore? Next I go to Cinemax... Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach - this one will definitely do. I don't know why I like watching it, none of the jokes are even funny and a lot of the acting is really annoying, but all the beach and pool stuff really feels like Summertime. I can't explain why that makes a difference to me but it does. I only watch enough to finish my sandwich and soda, and that gives me 30 minutes of Nintendo time before Mom watches All My Children at 1:00. It's not like I'm trying to beat something, I've been playing Gremlins 2 with the Game Genie and I've been using the "Infinite Lives" code and the "Don't Take Damage" code (though I guess I don't really need both). I haven't made it all the way through yet but knowing I can't die makes it feel like I've already beaten it. Still, I wanna see the Mohawk Spider Gremlin at the end. 

All My Children comes on. I haven't been into it as much since we found out it was Janet who murdered Will. All the other stories in the show just haven't been as cool. I still sorta half watch, but I'm paying more attention to finishing my Batman Returns comic book. Since I can't go back to the movies every day, I'm trying to draw the movie scenes on paper like a comic book. I've had to do it in two volumes because I couldn't staple that many pages together, but that gave me an excuse to make a whole second cover. But I'm almost done - I'm getting to the part where Batman drives the water skier through the sewer to get The Penguin, but first he has to put on all the pieces of his costume. 

I keep seeing commercials for a new Batman cartoon! It's weird to actually look forward to something in September, but this show kind of looks like the movies - they even use the Danny Elfman music (I hope they actually use it in the show and not just the commercials). But now All My Children is over and the TV is mine again. I flip around a bit and I find more Bewitched but I'm not in the mood - that's more of a morning show. Heathcliff is on Nickelodeon but I'm so tired of it, I think I've seen every episode twice. I go to Prevue Guide on channel 41, just to make it easier, but I also like watching it - mostly for the movie previews they play all day. Looks like there's mostly nothing on right now, but I'm still waiting for the scroll to get to channel 45 to see if anything good will be on HBO in the next hour... Yes! Naked Gun 2½ is on at 2:35! I guess I could watch Heathcliff till then but I'm having a much better time watching commercials for Soapdish and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves over and over again. 

3:00 rolls around. This is about the time I'd usually be getting home from school so out of habit I have to check the other channels just to see if something better is on. The Disney Afternoon just started on channel 38 which means DuckTales just started, and it's a really good one: it's the one where Gyro invents a kinda stopwatch that freezes time and then the Beagle Boys steal it and use it to take all the money out of Scrooge's money bin. Honestly if I had an invention like that I'd probably steal stuff too - all the tapes from Strawberries, all the action figures from Toy Works, and all the baseball cards from Hall of Fame. Well, maybe not all - just enough so that nobody gets in trouble. I stop daydreaming and suddenly it's 3:30 and Chip 'n Dale is starting. I stay for the theme song because it's awesome, but I flip around before the show starts because it's boring and I find Merrie Melodies on channel 39. It's one of those old musical ones with characters I don't even know. So I check Nickelodeon and it's Looney Tunes -- I never knew what the difference was between this and Merrie Melodies. But today Looney Tunes is a Coyote and Roadrunner episode so I stick with it. 

By 4 I've completely forgotten about Naked Gun and now I make my daily choice between Tiny Toons on channel 39 and Beetlejuice on 25. I go to Tiny Toons first because I've been watching that pretty much every day. I end up staying there, sitting through every Creepy Crawler and Super Soaker commercial until Ninja Turtles starts at 4:30. It's the one where Irma turns into a giant. I like Irma but she's so annoying in this episode. Whatever, it's the only good thing on right now and Dad will be home soon so I only have the TV for a little bit longer. Usually I'd get to watch the Mario Super Show at 5 and Saved by the Bell at 5:30 because Oprah was on channel 5 for that whole hour and nobody watches that, but now both parents keep checking all the other news channels for "election updates". Voting is still like three months away, I don't get why we have to watch stuff about it now. 

Dad has coffee and writes in his journal, which means I get to finish Mario and start watching Saved by the Bell - it's one of the ones where they all work at the Malibu Sands Beach Resort. These episodes are weird, I miss Mr. Belding. It's 20 minutes till supper and I ask Dad if we can go hit the ball down at Bennett Field. We've been doing that a lot this summer, ever since A League of Their Own came out last month. He says there's not enough time but we can play catch in the backyard "for a few". The sun's already going going down earlier than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still hot, and bright enough to see the ball through the shadows of the trees. In case for some reason I can't sleep over Ronny's this weekend I ask if maybe we can go to the movies on Saturday. There's nothing really exciting coming out but if we do end up going we agree that Stay Tuned looks kinda funny. 

We come in and Dad watches about 5 minutes of Peter Jennings before the rigatoni is on the dining room table. Teika sits at my feet during supper, quietly and patiently waiting for any kind of food. I know not to give him garlic bread because that turns into a night of stinky farts, so I slip him buttered pasta. I try to be quiet about it but he chews so friggin' loud that we can't keep it a secret. No one's mad, Mom's just pretend mad. The same way I'm pretend mad that she didn't make any brownies. Or that I have to take a bath - which I guess is ok, I can't even remember what day I took my last one. So after supper I take the world's fastest bath and only miss the first 10 minutes of the first episode of Married... With Children, but I get to see all of the second episode at 7:30 which is great because it's the two-parter where they go to the gold mine and I like the second part more. And then Married... With Children goes right into The Simpsons at 8. It's the softball episode which is cool because it has all my favorite baseball players, but I'm tired of repeats all summer long and I have to wait more than a month for the new Simpsons season to start. 

Mom's still in the dining room doing bills at 8:30 when Superman comes on Nick at Nite. This show makes me laugh, it's so stupid. It's weird people used to think it was cool when it was new (but I don't think Superman's cool anyway). By 9 Mom's on the couch and it's time for Get Smart. It's like the opposite of Superman - it's cool that old shows could be this funny on purpose. The same goes for Dick Van Dyke which is on at 9:30. I'd say it's definitely my favorite right now - it's the one where Rob and Laura are at a hotel and Laura gets her foot stuck in the bathtub and Rob draws a mustache on his face in permanent marker. I guess the only bad thing about Dick Van Dyke is that when it's over that means it's time for bed. Although bedtime actually means two episodes of All in the Family on WNDS. After Al Kaprielian's weather report, the first episode is when Archie accidentally gives George a fake $20 bill. I never knew that some money could actually be fake - I'm gonna start reading every word on every bill I see from now on. 

The second one is when Mike is about to graduate from college and then doesn't. I wouldn't say I'm wicked tired but I am sorta closing my eyes during the commercials and even a little bit during the show - I'm starting to hear the laugh track more than the jokes. At 11 I check VH1 once more for Queen stuff, but it's Standup Spotlight instead. The volume's too low to hear what the comedian is saying, or maybe it's because I missed the beginning of the joke, but I can't understand anything that's going on. Maybe I actually am tired. I guess I should start trying to fall asleep earlier, I'm gonna have to start getting up early again in a couple weeks. I really hope Fourth Grade is way better than Third, but more than that I'll miss getting up late. I'll miss going to the store any time I want. I'll miss playing hours of Tetris and Mario 3 before lunch. I'll miss being with Mom. And I'll definitely miss a lotta TV shows. 

- Paul

5 Offbeat Video Game Commercials

Video game advertising in the late 80s and early 90s was an artistic movement unto itself -- especially the TV commercials, and especially from Nintendo. They sold a world of grandeur and peril and adrenaline that was always closer to the artwork on the boxes than the actual games. They were melodramatic and spooky and playful all at once - like all the best set pieces from Highlander, Total Recall, and Aliens combined into some ambitious music video environment (which we lovingly pay tribute to here). 

All that being said, the following 5 commercials have nothing to do with any of that. These are examples of the way video games made their way into other avenues of Pop Culture, along with some other properties that managed to capitalize on the craze.

After these messages, we'll be riiiight back.

- Paul

Eagle Tortilla Chips (1991)

Throughout 1991, Tony Randall and Jack Klugman tried to convince us that Eagle Tortilla Chips were better than Doritos. Can't say their attempts had any real impact, I barely remember Eagle, but I do remember Oscar shooting Felix with a Nintendo Zapper which sends him directly into a game of Duck Hunt. I'd fantasized about finding myself inside all kinds of video games around that time, but I'm sure everyone would've appreciated an opportunity to strangle that goddamn dog. 

Kellogg's Corn Pops (1993)

This was during the "Gotta Have My Pops" campaign that depicted young people spending the entire duration of a 30 second spot on the verge of a violent meltdown if they didn't get some Corn Pops cereal. (There were some crazy poisons in 90s junk food.) In addition to this Kellogg's crack, specially marked boxes came with Nintendo ID stickers, so now you and your shitty little sister didn't have to fight over whose copy of Fester's Quest is the one with the Dunkaroo frosting stain on it. 

Hot Hints Hotline (1990)

This has bounced around the internet for years so it's hard to nail down its origins. Nintendo obviously had their own licensed game tip hotline, and my 10 seconds of research mostly confirmed that this "local" commercial was off the books and possibly a scam, or scam-ola. Even still, I'd like to think some underage Nintendo wizards got together and decided to charge a fee for dispensing their wisdom over the phone, and somehow managed to produce this kickass commercial (featuring one half of The Ambiguously Gay Duo) and get it on the air. 

Nabisco Cookies (1990)

Speaking of Nintendo wizards - Nabisco held a sorta scratch-n-win promotion in which the grand prize was a trip to watch the Nintendo World Championships. They don't mention it in the commercial but the Championships (emphasis on plural) took place in 29 different U.S. cities so there was a good chance you didn't have to travel too far. They also don't mention that this was the very first nationwide Nintendo competition, which took place in the year following the theatrical release of The Wizard, and since I've never heard otherwise I like to think the movie inspired the real life contest. 

T.I.G.E.R. Paperboy (1990)

This one actually falls in line with the 90s Extreme Core Vaporwave video game vibe; it's a very lively commercial that's advertising something that's just slightly less exciting than an Etch A Sketch. T.I.G.E.R. handheld games were like Gameboys but only a fraction of the commitment and the cost; each device only played one game, so you had to make it count. Paperboy was famously monotonous and uneventful even on a home gaming system, so I'd imagine this barebones version as being something a lot less dazzling than a game of old-fashioned Pong. 

STATIC SHOTS

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part XI: "The Young Nurses" and Totino's Ultimate Pizza Uncured Pepperoni

Roger rarely stopped working, if ever; vacations were often just an excuse for scouting new shooting locations. The workload was so great that his wife, Julie, often took on many responsibilities - up to and including the sole credited Producer. 

New World Pictures began financing "Nurse" movies in 1970 (the year Roger and Julie got married), and 1973's The Young Nurses was their fourth in this very specific subgenre. Like the others, it's an Altmanesque Melodrama that starts off like a lighthearted Nudie picture but then gradually beings to spiral into darker conflicts; apart from peripherally addressing social issues like Women's Lib and healthcare bureaucracy, there's also a menacing thread about violent drug dealers. That's not to say that there aren't plenty of fun elements; Kitty (Jeane Manson) has a sexy fling with one of her patients (that includes a very memorable kite-flying scene), and Joanne (Ashley Porter) asserts her Girl Power at one point by stripping nude and marching into the ocean. But it's Michelle (Angela Gibbs giving the best performance in the film) who's caught in her own Blaxploitation movie that provides this Soap Opera Skin Flick with an exciting edge. 

Totino's is obviously best known for their pizza rolls (though old folks like us remember them under the "Jeno's" label), but now they've unleashed the regular-shaped "Ultimate Pizza". It's difficult to determine which characteristics of this pizza make it "ultimate" - they maybe bent the truth a bit to boost sales. Nevertheless, the results are actually quite remarkable. First impression was that it tasted like a flat, crunchy pizza roll, but that illusion mostly melted away as a gooier, greasier pizza came into focus. Our oven sucks so it was impossible to brown the cheese without blackening the crust, but as it is it came out as a gelatinous fatty delight that frozen pizza rarely pulls off. They're needlessly small, but cheap, so get yourself two. Or, if you're like us, three. 

The Movie: C+

The Pizza: B+ 

10 Times the Convenience Store Got Messed Up

con·ven·ience store - a store with extended opening hours and in a convenient location, stocking a limited range of household goods and groceries.

You know the setup: if we find ourselves in a convenience store (usually in a movie of the Action genre) you know there's a good chance the Cheetos and Charmin are about to hit the fan. If nothing else, the mortality rate of whoever's working the register is unfairly high; no one is more expendable than the men, women, and children(!) who stand behind the counter awaiting their fate. There's been all kindsa chaos in these mini-establishments but these are the notable moments when we couldn't help but wonder, "Who's gonna clean this up?"

- Paul

Robocop

Just an all around famous film scene, it demonstrates all the hallmarks of this scenario in only 90 seconds (though it's noticeably lite on the violence for such a hard-R flick). The shop owners live (as does the assailant) but casualties include lotsa booze, popcorn, and a good portion of the dairy section. 

Falling Down

In a raging spree of anticapitalist sentiment, the products on the shelves are not bystanders - they are the target of this spontaneous assault. The victims are donuts, aspirin, batteries, and little American flags for ironic effect. 

I Come in Peace

Dolph Lundgren has to ditch his stakeout to address a holdup in progress. The punks shoot out the lights, and in a store full of glass bottles of liquor and aluminum cans of Pepsi, we only end up losing a fridge door and some generic milk. 

Return of the Living Dead III

This is the common situation where the shopkeep pulls a gun on the robbers but ends up getting killed anyway. On a completely unrelated note, freshly zombified Mindy Clarke is devouring the entire Hostess endcap in an attempt to satiate her new and inexplicable hunger. 

From Dusk Till Dawn

Not too much is salvaged from what literally becomes Benny's World of Blood. Ironically the hostages and the perpetrators walk away in one piece (minus a hole in the hand) but Michael Parks and John Hawkes fall victim to bullets, fire, and a questionable explosion which may or may not have been the direct result of popcorn. 

Short Time

Believing himself to be terminally ill, Dabney Coleman fearlessly diffuses a hostage situation without any backup (or clothes). The bomber breaks down and surrenders with every person and Pop Tart left unscathed - until the realization that the ticking bomb was left inside the store proves to be too late. 

Hard to Kill

This is all about body impact. The store owner is shot and falls into a wall of liquor, then Steven Seagal proceeds to hurl the bad guys into wine bottles and potato chips. A mostly tidy job - disregarding the likely pool of blood left from the clerk who took one to the chest. 

Magnolia

Most convenience store mishaps hold little weight throughout the rest of their respective story; even when blood is spilled it's usually forgotten by the plot. Donnie Smith's public indiscretion here ends up looking not so good on his job review which is a major contributor in this tragic character's downfall. 

National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1

A parody of most of the scenes on this list plus all the others that came before -- it involves shotguns, Tommy guns, a flamethrower, and a bazooka, and it isn't over until every shelf is cleared by artillery fire. 

Ghost World

What happens when Steve Buscemi has it out for Brad Renfro? A full-blown blaze of fury, which results in a knocked-over chip rack and not much else. 

SUMMER SNACKS II: The Fattening

Mouth is alive with juices like wine. Everywhere I look I see sweet & salty temptation -- and I don't really go anywhere which means we're probably one deadly sin away from a plague of gummy frogs falling from the sky. When that happens I'll be ready - I have pillow cases to catch as many as I can. In the meantime, here's a second installment of Summer Snacks to quench our ongoing Violent Fantasies. Get out what's inside of you. 

- Paul

Doritos Twisted Queso

For all the flavors they throw at us, Doritos pretty much stays in their lane; all of their seasoning usually leads back to "tortilla chip adjacent" so the concept of a Dorito tasting exactly like "melted cheese dip" lands smoothly on the Frito-Lay runway. I highly recommend dipping them in salsa - combined with the mild cheddar flavor you're getting the entire Southwestern chip dip experience with each bite. 

Hostess Double Chocolate Meltamors

A "NEW" Hostess product can often just be some seasonally-colored sprinkles, but these are the real-deal-banana-peel, straight from the drawing board and into your gas station. Chocolate-filled cake isn't exactly groundbreaking for a Hostess property, but this one actually has the printed serving suggestion of microwaving for best results. So I threw it in for 15 seconds and it became a messy delight. 

Dr. Pepper Blackberry

I've been having a hard time finding new sodas (that aren't goddamn Mountain Dew flavors), but I've had my eye on this one for a while so I got to use this list as an excuse. Blackberry beverages will only ever remind me of Clearly Canadian - that is if they're done right, and the Dr. did this right, giving more than a hint of blackberry to make it a more worthy experience than just drinking what is nearly a regular Dr. Pepper with a little berry drawing on the label. 

Sour Cream & Funyuns

I was more excited for these than anything else on the list, but it should be a big clue that I didn't save it for last. As Jesse Pinkman said, "Funyuns are awesome", and while that's irrefutable, all of their attempts to deviate or improve has only hurt their credibility. I understandably expected these to be the sweet & sour explosion that the name suggests, but instead are noticeably blander than the plain ol' Funyuns. 

Lifesavers Gummies Neons

I love all kinds of Lifesavers Gummies, but I've never heard of Neons before so it was a total knee-jerk purchase -- plus the "neon" angle fits right in with our specific summer theme (yes that still play into it). The fun thing about Lifesavers Gummies is that there's no color code on the back, and while sometimes the flavors are obvious, sometimes it's a real guessing game. And before you know it the bag is empty. 

Kool-Aid Popping Candy

No one ever says "You know what I have a craving for right now? Pop Rocks!" Once I experienced the novelty of exploding candy at some point in the previous century I had no real need to revisit it -- but that's not what these are about. These are about fulfilling that forbidden fantasy of guzzling Kool-Aid powder straight from its colorful packets. I can't be the only one who wants that.

Hostess Orange Crème Pop Twinkies

Nothing about this seemed appealing - from the yellow/orange color clash to the concept of citrus snack cakes, my expectations were low, if not downright fearful. But the thing with Twinkies is that they're mostly "cake" and the filling is very nonintrusive. Regardless of that, the cream (or crème) isn't actually sour like the orange juice subversiveness I was expecting (for some reason) but more like the orange ice cream it promises. Still, I won't miss these when they're gone. 

Cap'n Crunch's Orange Creampop Crunch

Apparently this is the official Orange Creamsicle Summer and we're just finding out now. Again, I imagined this tasting like I'd swapped out the milk for OJ, but it's nowhere near that traumatizing. Honestly the sugary assault of original Cap'n Crunch flavor is so loud that it just about drowns out the attempt at fruity flavors. I'd say it would just be easier to buy the original but then we wouldn't get this awesome depiction of the Cap'n in his Love Boat attire and sleazy tangerine-tinted shades. Might just be the best image we get to see this season. 

Jell-O Pudding Cups

What you're looking at is 4(?) chocolate candies that went on a Summer car ride from the Route 13 State Line Convenience Mart in Brookline, New Hampshire to my home in Bennett Land, which clocks in at around 30 minutes. (I don't believe in air conditioning.) After reshaping itself like the T-1000 it somehow still maintained its gooey pudding center, which for real tasted like Jell-O chocolate pudding. I highly recommend these - just don't dillydally after you've bought them. 

Melody Pops

Apart from stuffing them with bubblegum and Tootsie cement, mainstream lollipops don't employ a lotta surprises - for my money they peaked when they entered the world of costume jewelry. However, a fun one that's been around since I was a kid is whistle pops - or, under the Chupa Chups label, Melody Pops. If you don't know or can't figure it out from the name, it's a lollipop shaped like a whistle - accurately enough that they're entirely functional. At any rate they're sugary nostalgia wrapped in cute wrappers and I'm comfortable advocating such things.

Take it, kid...