Summer Starter Pack 2022

I don't make plans. I don't have anticipation. I don't have expectations. I don't look forward to things, because more often than not, it leads to heartache. So I try to keep these little projects and schemes on the simpler side of the spectrum - lest they perish.

We're currently on the cusp of One Bad Summer, so we need these distractions to keep track of the time; there'll be some old stuff, some new stuff, some old new stuff, some new old stuff. It'll be our usual tabernacle of nostalgia bric-a-brac, but with our usual cabalistic flair to make it sound important. Still though, there's nothing arbitrary here: Bad or not, these are the Summer vibes we've elected, and they're all accurate and worthy of the season (because we said so and we know best). Feel free to join us if it's convenient within your plans, and check back often - as some of these are potential springboards for further evaluation. 

If you want it bad, that's how you're gonna get it.

- Paul

Mixtape Movie Marathon

Usually I'm not a fan of Double Features or Triple Features or any instance wherein more than one seemingly unrelated feature film is played in succession without adequate breathing room in between. Movies sometimes need like a day or a few to sorta sink in for me. But I've constructed one that works I think - at least for me (and for the season).

Due to some recent and upcoming video releases, fate has dealt us a winning hand of soundtrack-driven Cinema that's sure to raise one helluva music-movie marathon that's sure to occupy one junk food-saturated day (or at most a weekend). 

For the sake of consistency (and as a serving suggestion) the order should go:

The Girl Can't Help It

Licorice Pizza

Rock 'n' Roll High School

Times Square

American Graffiti 

A Little Deep Dish Action

Ok, so no amount of time ever really goes by when I'm not at least peripherally functioning on some amount of Turtle Power. But this Summer's already shaping up to be more mondo tubuloso than it's been since I was a kid - and it's mutating beyond my control. 

In a short span of time I picked up the 1990 comic book adaptation of the original movie, as well as a very prominent body art tribute. Additionally, I've finally filled in the gaps of my physical media collection with Lionsgate's Complete Series Set (in which 24 DVDs are clumsily stuffed into a 95¢ plastic box). But above and beyond all that, my son is starting to absorb this pop culture empire in a more mature and perceptive way than before, due largely to the gripping gameplay given by 1990's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. 

Through this, he's not only learning the correlation of names/bandana colors, but also the excitement of the franchise. I'm just along for the ride. 

STARLOG - The Final Frontier

I mentioned a while back that Starlog Magazine was never really my thing - mostly because Science Fiction was never really my thing. The truth is I rarely come across an issue that doesn't look appealing to me, but I pass it up due to some convoluted "principle," or I'm holding out for something better.

No more.

Flea market season is upon us, and plenty of previously owned periodicals are out there waiting for me. Those of you who follow our Instagram may've noticed that we've already begun beefing up our stockpile with great reward and no fucks given. As the hallway of Fango back issues narrows and they become harder to find, Starlog will lift the flag and carry on. 

Stranger Things 4

There will be shows, old & new. But this show earned its Summer stars with its super-seasonal third season in 2019. The series had danced around 80s nostalgia as part of its initial hook (and to explicitly establish from where it drew inspiration), but Season 3 was shamelessly uninhibited in its gimmickry, and it was that very brashness that more or less turned me into a bit of a "fan" - as it was the last time I used my Netflix subscription (though I'm sensing that may be the case for some other people).

Last season was huge on product placement - to the point that spotting old labels became the main narrative thread for me. But the way bigger deal was the actual product tie-ins: Burger King, Baskin Robbins, and most importantly, Coca-Cola, which resulted in a soda-by-mail benediction that nearly defined my 2019 Summer. 

So I guess what I'm reeeaallly looking forward to is the junk food. Doritos is a logical and welcome partnership, but this is no good. I know they can do way better than this - because they have. At this point, they should've leveled-up to collector glasses at McDs or some sorta sweepstakes for you and a guest to go on an all-expense-paid vacation to The Upside Down - because these ugly ass bags of chips ain't cuttin' it.

Camille Keaton in Italy

There's clearly plenty to watch and I won't mention it all - but this is worth mentioning.

Vinegar Syndrome released this 3-movie set in 2021 as a limited edition of "8,000 units." I don't know what the demand is but I feel fortunate for finding it at The Archive last March. 

You know I love me a boxset - especially one full of new stuff (to me), and this promises (or insinuates) some sparkling Italian scenery to match the mood. But the real draw is Camille Keaton; I'd like to be a more consistent fan, and so I look forward to enjoying material in which she's not being gang raped or receiving a forced abortion. 

This Summer is only as bad as we'll allow it to be.

BENNETT INVENTORY : Top 10 SEXIEST CELEBS ALIVE (OR DEAD)!

 

 Does your celebrity crush say something about who you are? We think so. We don't know what it says, but it sounds smart. Or maybe we're just trying to apply logic to this otherwise juvenile endeavor.

We've done this before -- actually, we're kinda really doing it all the time; but this one's just in a more structured way. Besides, this is something (and we're talking to you now) that should be updated periodically; you can still carry feelings of obligatory commitment to your childhood heartthrobs, but the sad truth is that they've moved on, and you should too.

So where does that leave us?: some old favorites mixed in with some flavors-of-the-month -- just like all our lists. We've each kept it to a modest "10" - which is a much harsher challenge, because everyone's hawt. And if your Special Someone didn't make the list... good, more for us.

 

 

Paul's List

 

Este Haim

 

 

Sarah Silverman

 

 

Miley Cyrus

 

 

Kristen Schaal

 

 

Heather Graham

 

 

Anne Hathaway

 

 

Cate Blanchett

 

 

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen

 

 

Lena Dunham

 

 

Anna Nicole Smith

 

 

Jess's List

 

Bill Hader

 

 

Kathryn Hahn

 

 

Joe Bob Briggs

 

 

David Harbour

 

 

Sophia Lillis

 

 

Adam Driver

 

 

Katie Kershaw

 

 

Owen Teague

 

 

Lana Del Rey

 

 

Jeff Goldblum

 

Summer Starter Pack 2020

It's been a cold and rainy Spring, which, as usual, culminated into a lotta strong, sexy vegetation across the land. So while we're currently deprived of destinations, treat yourself to a journey if you can - even if it's a circular one. And when you're not out, frolicking about the natural world, we've got suggestions for stuff to pair with the picnic days ahead.

Fortunately for us (and you, if you choose to accept this mission), the path to our warm ways rarely leads us outta the house. So, now more than ever, heed this list as a fun and safe itinerary of activities that one could engage in for Summer vacation.

Or, be rebellious! Put yourself and others in harm's way! Take off your mask and fuck a stranger! Let your hands get dirty! Touch your face! Touch my face! Be Metal, IT'S FUCKING SUMMER, SHIT MAN!

- Paul


Andy Sidaris Marathon

For those of you who aren't already down & dirty with this idea: Andy Sidaris was a TV director, covering mostly sporting events, before moving onto making B-movies (or BBB movies - Bullets, Bombs, and Babes - a descriptive phrase used to describe the nuances of the genre in which he worked). Between the early 70s and the late 90s, he crafted over a dozen exploitation flicks, each featuring tropical locales, oversized firearms, and statuesque centerfold models in leading roles.

Now, these movies are exceptional for a coupla reasons: the first being that the humor of this setup in firmly tongue-in-cheek; these movies were rarely played for laughs, but they were clearly self aware in regards to their subject matter, and that spirit is palpable in the films. Secondly, while the plots of these movies are charmingly incomprehensible, they are crafted with a talent and a passion that few other genre pictures are blessed with - from the production value of the stunts and practical effects to the ingenious credit sequences.

The timing of this is pretty rad; Mill Creek has been continually putting out his once-direct-to-videography as widescreen blu rays, complete with the original, nut-kicking poster artwork on the covers. They're going for around $9 - $12 each, so I really don't have any excuses as to why you shouldn't already be part of this cult.
So Join Today! And if you're not completely satisfied after 30 days, beat it loser.

Women In Music, Part III - HAIM

Here's the story: We introduced Haim's short but superior discography to our son when he was 7 or 8 months old, and his obsession was immediate and genuine. Now I don't know if you have children or know anything about kids, but this band has been the soundtrack of our lives for the past 16 months - day-in, day-out, nonstop Haim - because that's the speed at which kids move, and we're just along for the ride. And it's fine - it could be a lot worse. I mean, it helps that the band is fucking awesome, but the real magic is that it's new music, and so any nostalgia tied to it is being established in real time. Like sands through the hourglass...

Women In Music Pt. III is the band's third studio album, and it was supposed to drop April 24 of this year, but was delayed until August because of the thing. Now, the tentative release date has moved again to June 26(!), which should more than officiate it not just as a Summer album, but The Summer Album. (And this'd better stick, because my pre-order is already in.)

We don't do links cuz links don't last, so here's a list of the singles that have preceded the album thus far (most of which debuted as music videos directed by one Paul Thomas Anderson).

"Summer Girl"
"Now I'm In It"
"Hallelujah"
"The Steps"
"I Know Alone"

Swallow these whole without crushing or chewing. Arousal will immediately take effect.


John Brown

And now for something completely different.

Typically this is a list of lighthearted endeavors suggested to keep you company for a few sweaty days, but if you can find yourself some sprawling, epic subject to occupy your heart and mind indefinitely, we say go for it! Then, whatever you choose to immerse yourself in, you can look back at this time as 'the Summer of that thing.'

Consider this! The life (and death) of John Brown, a civilian and family man who (more or less) set the American Civil War in motion through violent acts of terrorism. (I'm drastically oversimplifying - just think of it as a tagline.) Currently, in this increasingly divisive era, the true story of a man who took matters into his own hands on a National scale to fight moral and political injustice is satisfying, startling, and confrontational all at once. If that doesn't seem relevant enough for you (or maybe this kinda stuff just isn't your thing), this is one of the 40,000 different stories that's rumored to be the subject of Quentin's tenth and final(?) film. Even if that doesn't end up being the case, this is a gory and enthralling Major Motion Picture just waiting to fall into the right hands (which will probably end up being the wrong hands).

There is much to read on this topic, but we suggest John Brown, Abolitionist : The Man Who Killed Slavery, Sparked the Civil War, and Seeded Civil Rights by David S. Reynolds. And if you'd like some visuals to supplement your research (or if a dense, meticulous biography doesn't scream "Hot Fun in the Summertime" to you), check out the 2005 documentary John Brown's Holy War, or the 2013 miniseries The Abolitionists - both are part of PBS's American Experience series, and the latter stars T. Ryder Smith (Brainscan) as Brown.

At the end of the day, you'll be able to impress your friends with some very important bar trivia (because I suppose that's what the bloodiest conflict in American history boils down to).


Hey Vern, It's Ernest!

I don't know that we talk about Ernest nearly enough around here, which hardly makes any sense. I mean, he's up there as far as I'm concerned, and I think I put forth a pretty good defense some time ago, but let us please not do the defensive thing anymore - let's just talk about the totally awesome show you need to watch this Summer, knowhutimean?

This CBS Saturday morning kids' show from 1988 only ran one season (which made for a great marketing tool in the following century when they could put "The Complete Series" on a DVD cover), which is a damn shame, because I don't know of any other TV shows in the history of TV that were better tailored to a Saturday morning.

Let's set this straight: I love Pee-wee Herman, and Pee-wee's Big Adventure is enormously better than any Ernest movie. But in terms of television: Pee-wee's Playhouse was entirely too caustic and busy for the early hours of the day, whereas Hey Vern was (and is) the perfect balance of Froot Loops and black decaf to start your weekend.

If you've ever seen an Ernest movie, you might have some idea of what the show's like, except it's far more subtle, creative, and mature than the usual preconceptions conjured up by the mention of "Ernest P. Worrell." Each episode dealt with a different topic - Food, Pets, School, Scary Stuff, etc. - and each subject was treated with a humor and sensitivity that was never condescending. In other words, it's just a sweet & funny show that makes you feel good all under, and I intend to spend my Summer Saturday mornings from the POV of Vern.