Midnight, Baseball Bats, and Boogeymen

Freddy Krueger has haunted me my whole life. Well, not my whole life - maybe till I was about 20, at which point we became good friends and have stayed that way ever since. But as a child of the 80s, oh man, it was a very different relationship. But not entirely different...

I'll try not to belabor the fact that, yes, Freddy Krueger appeared on all kindsa merchandise during his tenure as a Box Office draw, and just about all of that merch was aimed at kids -- seriously, after the t-shirts, video game, school supplies, sticker albums, and bubblegum, I don't know how we didn't get a breakfast cereal. 

To me, this was both a blessing and a problem. A problem because, unlike some of my peers who were close in age, all of this candy colored crap that reached as far as the toy aisle was not my first exposure to The Springwood Slasher - it was the actual movies themselves. Before I'd reached the age of 3, my sister (who is 12½ years my elder) watched the original Nightmare on Elm Street around the time of its premiere on HBO and at some point actually taped it off of TV, so a lotta that blood & terror lurked in the periphery of my very early life. Then, shortly after the Home Video debut of Elm Street 2, my sister and a bunch of her friends rented the movie, and I must've been in her care that evening, because for some reason I watched it with them, right there in the living room. (There are a lotta cool and different ways to experience Cinema, but watching a Nightmare on Elm Street videotape with a room full of teenage girls in 1986 is an event that you nor I could ever relive.) 

While I was too young to grasp any sense of plot or conflict or resolution, I was certainly old enough to recognize scary images and what made them so scary. So yes, not being able to walk through Kmart without seeing Freddy's face on ten different products was, in its own way, a problem. As I got older, the character apparently began to get softer and "funnier" in the films, and that afforded his likeness to grace more and more goods and services - but I'd only left off at Part 2, so I wasn't aware of any change in tone; all I knew was that all of a sudden Freddy's introducing Beastie Boys videos on MTV at 2 o'clock in the afternoon and now my day is ruined. 

And yet, I preserve the idea that the Freddy omnipresence in the culture of my childhood was just as equally a blessing, because as human nature dictates, this monster that scared me so severely was always just as fascinating, and the more frightened I got vs. the more movies they made that I was missing only continued to compound the mystique. That mystique would amplify with every trip down the Horror aisle at the video store and I'd see those colorful tapes with that goddamn son of a hundred maniacs leering out at me through his various artistic interpretations. On my braver days I'd physically touch these cursed objects and look at the back covers, hoping for clues to the plots and backstories and origins and motivations and all of the things that kept me up at night wondering and worrying. 

But really, it was Freddy himself who wouldn't let me sleep, because apart from my faded memories from when I was 3 years old, his powers and malevolence and what he was capable of was mostly a product of my own imagination. And my imagination was fucking dark - I'd envisioned these films as having a flavor that I would nowadays equate to stuff like Audition or Human Centipede: a completely humorless endurance test. By the time I faithfully began reading Fangoria Magazine, they began promoting the buzz around Elm Street 7, with a supposed real life Freddy Krueger terrorizing the real world! I was dead. 

The curiosity never left me, and at some point in my mid teens I revisited Part One on video. It was amazing how much I'd actually remembered from an age when I was barely old enough to remember, while at the same time realizing that it wasn't nearly as terrifying (or informative) as I'd thought (and hoped) it was; I cautiously approached it to quench my thirst for the exposition I'd always been so curious about, only to get a flat line reading from Ronee Blakley.

Cut to that Summer of 2003 when I was steadily accumulating all the headlining Horror franchises on DVD, simply so that I could see most of them for the first time. But with elm street I went all in and bought the New Line Platinum Nightmare on Elm Street Collection: an 8-disc box set that was just as beautiful as it was a cumbersome clunky mess of plastic and cardboard. I devoured it from the inside out, first watching them in the order of the ones I was most curious about (I started with Freddy's Dead) and then tirelessly revisiting the ones I liked the most. I watched and rewatched all the special features: every interview, every photo gallery, every production note - nothing was uninteresting. While not much of the franchise managed to be as scary or even as engrossing as I thought it was, it captured my spirit with its barrage of humor and color and music and inventiveness and nostalgia. The obsession was always there, and finally being able to explore these films as freely and frequently as I wanted both satisfied and magnified my devotion. Obviously (as you damn well know) I found some of the movies in the series to be more to my liking than the others, while observing that they all stand on very different merits. Here are my intellectual musings about a movie franchise where a guy can turn into a hall monitor or a motorcycle at the drop of a fedora. Bon appétit, bitch. 

- Paul

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

I can say I've been extra hard on this movie over the years, but it's often been a defense mechanism against the criticisms of the sequels that I prefer. But really, its atmosphere is undeniable - much of which comes from the vivid cinematography from Jacques Haitkin (who also shot Part 2) and the enduring Charles Berstien music score. And not to call too much attention to the obvious, but a Horror Movie Monster with an identifiable image and personality is still as fresh and exciting today as it was in '84.

Grade: B

After more than four decades of borderline Freddy Krueger fatigue, when I think of this movie, I think of Heather Langenkamp; I don't know if it's the general consensus, but she 100% carries this whole film, and she does it with more character and grace than most other "Final Girls" in the genre. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 - Freddy's Revenge (1985)

For the full review you can read this. For the short, short version, I'll reiterate this point: Elm Street movies' most exciting moments are when they're in "nightmare mode", and because Freddy's Revenge is largely a Possession Movie, we're in that mode for the duration. Every dreadful scene abides by the rules of dream logic, and so we're never not in danger. That's the tone, and it makes for An Exceptional Horror Film.

Grade: A+

For whatever atmosphere the first movie established, this was the only sequel that managed to improve upon it in the least cartoonish way. Despite its fashions and pop songs and other dated elements, this film could fit right into the Psychological Thrillers of the 1960s, sharing company with Carnival of Souls and Repulsion. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 - Dream Warriors (1987)

Here's the thing: whenever I decide to rank the Elm Street movies to my liking, I'll run down the list from best to worst, and nearly every time I'll realize that I totally forget to include Dream Warriors. Obviously that means I don't completely love it, but it also means that I don't necessarily hate it either. I think the problem (if you can call it that) is that this is the only really plot-heavy installment, featuring the most speaking parts and the strongest attempt at continuity. I'm assuming it's these aspects that make it the fan favorite, but apparently I'm in the market for something different. 

Grade: B-

Yes, this is where the humor and the hokeyness started, but it's also where the money started, and I think we lost some grit and grime with the bigger budgets. Still, at the end of the day, the whole premise of this movie and all its set pieces are really fun and clever, and they're executed awesomely. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 - The Dream Master (1988)

I still hold onto the idea that this is what I'd show to someone who wanted to know what a Nightmare on Elm Street movie was like. That's because it has no real plot of its own - instead, it pulls components from the first three movies to make one noisy, colorful, stylistically erratic Mega Nightmare. It's Freddy's Force Awakens. That kinda patchwork performs just fine for me, but its overall lack of surprise and originality will always kinda hinder it. (And I just hate when characters are played by a different actor in a sequel.)

Grade: B+

And yet I actually prefer Tuesday Knight. (And I mean that in general.) Fat Boys notwithstanding, this has the best soundtrack in the series, and also just one of my favorite movie soundtracks of all time. After all, this is the one that features Freddy on the beach wearing sunglasses. You either dig that or you don't. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5 - The Dream Child (1989)

Take the hodgepodge of Part 4, try to sequelize it in a consistent way, and we get one wild mess of a Monster Movie. Actually, its stretched premise and silly inconsistencies are the strengths of this film; again, like a STAR WARS sequel, the rushed production manages to make a very tired scenario into an almost abstract stream-of-consciousness experiment. Sadly they forgot to include any interesting characters or even slightly scary moments. 

Grade : C

Lisa Wilcox easily sheds the label of Final Girl and is just a straightforward Heroine by this point, and I very much would've liked to see her in more and better installments. And I don't mean to minimize her screen presence by pointing out that this is Freddy Krueger's most boring rendition. My least favorite movie of the original franchise. 

Freddy's Dead - The Final Nightmare (1991)

This is the first one I remember seeing a lotta trailers and TV spots for, which jangled my nerves as much as it piqued my interests; compared to my ideas of an Elm Street movie, it looked weird and different and twisted and modern by comparison. And for the most part, that's all true - I just wasn't counting on all the buffoonery. At this point in the culture, Freddy hadn't been scary for a long time, and turning him more into a meddlesome prankster put him more in line with The Joker. I'm not mad! 

Grade: C+

Just because it was "funny" doesn't mean all the jokes landed - a lot of it was stupid. But I was always most curious to see this one because it supposedly dove into the Krueger backstory (in 3-D no less) and that's the angle that I've been most interested in forever. Did they adequately pull it off? Really, I base my letter grade almost exclusively on that segment. 

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

Never has there been a better or more clever device to revisit a tired (and supposedly concluded) franchise (especially in Horror). Somewhere between Fellini and Charlie Kaufman, this is as intellectual as Elm Street would ever get (after Part 2 of course); and like I said, the premise alone was enough to horrify anyone who was actually still afraid of Freddy (like 11-year-old me). 

Grade: B+

Apart from its neat setup, we get another Heather-driven vehicle, and she understood the assignment so good. Also "real life" Freddy is a super sleek upgrade - though I champion any attempts to give him a new look (more on that to come).

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

So this is like my fifth time publishing my opinions of this movie, so I'll try to give it a different context. It's incredibly notable (and fortunate) that this was released during the very same summer that I had familiarized myself (and became obsessed with) Freddy and Jason -- truly there has been no better example of "great timing" in my life. It might also be the best example of "Fan Service" and how there's a very graceful and correct way to do it, and through the lens of this mega fan at the height of his fandom, they did pretty well.

Grade: B

Ok, so it's ugly as fuck, and the VFX and the soundtrack are trash, but as I pointed out in my Friday the 13th list, this is probably our last Robert Englund Freddy movie, and his decades of experience as the character is totally exploited here to its fullest potential. It's like watching Heath in The Dark Knight: This is all we'll ever get, so enjoy it!

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Great cast, seasoned subject matter, and a heavy lean on the Origin Story crap that I'm so into. So, what happened? ...No, seriously, what happened? Nearly every detail of this remake escaped me immediately after its release (as well as immediately after two subsequent attempts since then). It makes it hard to identify the things that didn't work for me, but "boring and forgettable" never work for me. 

Grade: D

I do remember the flashback stuff being equal parts compelling (Jackie Earle's performance) and ridiculous (so Freddy only ever wore stripes?). Robert Englund's been pushing for a prequel for decades (with or without him) and this is actually (and unfortunately) the best they've given us (up to and including the Freddy's Nightmares TV Show episode, "No More Mr. Nice Guy").

Despite the incessant complaining, people seem to want remakes and reboots and sequels and crossovers and multiverses of everything they've ever seen, and they want it all to be the same as it ever was - including Freddy Krueger and A Nightmare on Elm Street. That 2010 remake has only ever been vastly unpopular, but people's complaints have only ever been along the lines of "it's not exactly like the Robert Englund movies." Heck, that was the one thing I gave it credit for; if you dare to call your movie a "reboot" because you're too pussy to say "remake" then you'd better bring in some new elements. I still stand by my position that I'm totally down with ditching the dumb hat & sweater ensemble in favor of anything else; every visual depiction of Dracula looked roughly the same for over 50 years until the Coppola movie changed it up, and now the old one is just that - old. 

As I'm writing this, Paramount has purchased the rights to Elm Street and The Internet is brazenly excited and optimistic (and they're never wrong). Thus begins the superficial speculations and AI renderings of which actor can do their best Robert Englund impersonation. What a buncha dumb shit. Obviously I have curiosity, but I do with nearly every movie, until I don't (usually around when the trailer drops). Seriously, I welcome any kinda continuation/reinvention of this franchise -- after 9 movies I can't really be precious about "ruining" some dumbass "legacy". Still, there will be the copy & paste protests of "no one can replace Robert!" More dumb shit; again, who's still hanging onto Lugosi (or Max Schreck) as the final word on a fictional icon? 

My son has grown up around Freddy Krueger because his image has graced much of the decor that covers the home he's gown up in, but I've only just recently started introducing him to the feature films (because clearly he has no limits when it comes to this stuff). His attention span is already questionable at best, but obviously he's most interested whenever Freddy is on the screen  - and really, who could blame him? And again, like every other thing from childhood, this material will supposedly soon bleed back into the culture with another installment, and the facsimile of the world I grew up in will just be my kid's current reality. It's kinda stupid, but it's also kinda ok -- as long as it means that we get more merchandise!

STATIC SHOTS

 

 

8 Lame Rap Songs from Movies and TV

As a rule, I try to stay away from compiling lists of stuff I don't like - it literally takes the fun out of the activity itself (and it's just bad for the soul). But, if we can find something that we can all hate on together, then it should create a nice sense of "community". Having said that, I'm banking on the prospect that all y'alls loathe these campy anthems as much as I. 

By the late 1980s there was obviously nothing new about the idea of the "Theme Song". From Dr. Zhivago to Love Story to Shaft to Footloose, a song that was literally about the subject matter could sometimes blend into that very subject matter - occasionally with a quiet dignity ("Moon River") or sometimes entirely absent of dignity ("Ghostbusters"). And then, at some point, I get the sense that Studio Executives in suits finally said, "The kids don't like Burt Bacharach anymore, they like The Rap Music!" I have no proof that this declaration was actually made but I can totally see something like this printed as a memo on Warner Bros. stationery. 

I'm not here today to talk about Do the Right Thing or Deep Cover or even Ghostbusters II (y'know it) but about the times when a rap song managed to minimize or even ruin the content, the reputations of the performers, and even the genre itself. 

Go ninja. 

- Paul

"City of Crime" Tom Hanks & Dan Aykroyd

Dragnet

It's weird that it didn't seem entirely dumb at the time -- that's possibly because the movie is equally dumb. Almost unbearably so. I love the 80s Tom Hanks Comedy Era but there were some major duds, and it's a miracle and a blessing that this movie got shackled with the rap song when it could have just as easily been The Money Pit or The 'Burbs. 

Sample lyrics:

It's a new sensation

We go down to the station

You're going to answer some questions

And have some refreshments

"Ace is in The House" Tone Lōc

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

One of those scenarios where it was like, "We already got Tone here, let's have him do a song." Technically this should've been a lot better, like maybe even a memorable hit, but to put it plainly: the song is just awful. Surprisingly, some (very sparse) interjections from Ace himself just makes the whole thing worse. Don't worry, ma'am, I'll find your pussy... CAT that is! There's no way Jim ad libbed that, it's beneath even this film. 

Sample lyrics:

If Ace is in the house, so must be Lōc

Blowin' up like a cloud of smoke

Checkin' all of his bitches at home

But I'm the dog with the biggest bone (woof)

"Maniac Cop Rap" Yeshwua Barnes & Brian B. Dub Wood

Maniac Cop 2

I was never a Maniac Cop fan. I find it equal parts dull and silly with a lotta squandered potential. Maniac Cop 2, on the other hand, utilizes that potential nearly to its fullest, making it as dark and mean as it should've been... And then we end with the rap song. To be fair (and probably perpetuating stereotypes) the "urban" landscape of the movie does lend itself to "street music" in the most pedantic way, but having the storybook version of a zombie policeman's antics sung to us does a disservice to both extremes. 

Sample lyrics:

He's homicidal and maladjusted

But when he busts in, your ass is busted

"Are You Ready For Freddy" The Fat Boys

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

I generally like all things Freddy, no matter how zany and far removed from the "child murderer" angle we get. I'm cool with the Dokken song, and I adore the Freddy's Greatest Hits album that has Robert England singing "Wooly Bully". I even like the Fresh Prince "Nightmare on My Street" song - because it has the right tone. Dream Master might be one of the more colorful entires, but this otherwise flawless soundtrack is marred by this tomfoolery that would feel even too dumb in Freddy's Dead. 

Sample lyric:

With a hat like a vagabond, standing like a flasher

It's Mr. Big Time, Freddy Krueger, dream crasher

"Ninja Rap" Vanilla Ice

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

I don't hate the song. I don't hate the lyrics. Hell, I don't really hate Vanilla Ice. I mostly just hate that it played such a precious part in the movie. This whole film teeters on the edge of obnoxiousness, and it's at this climactic moment that it slips and falls right in it, and then the Turtles would forever be synonymous with the incredibly brief era when we all fell for one Rob Van Winkle. (As if the Turtles weren't already dated enough on their own.)

Sample lyrics:

Rockin' the crowd the way it should be rocked

With the Miami drop that you like a lot

You know it's hittin' like a Ninja Turtle

When the bass kicks in you better check your level

"The Crypt Jam" The Crypt Keeper

Tales From the Crypt

It wasn't actually on the show, but it did appear on its soundtrack in 1992 - though I can't imagine why. Here's the thing: the accompanying music video is a wondrous spectacle of puppetry and lighting and booty dancers, all with the goriest scenes from the series cut in here and there. As a song, without visual aid, it's 3+ minutes of John Kassir's punny giggling set to a really irritating hook -- it feels like an hour. (There are actually remixes that stretch it out even longer.) Whenever this comes up on my Halloween playlist, I'm inclined to 'skip'. 

Sample lyrics:

The Crypt Keeper's in the house with a groove that's nasty and mean

Like the effects of a guillotine

"Conehead Love" Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Nan Schaefer

Coneheads

Danny Aykroyd at it again, bustin' rhymes with another monotone in-character delivery. I think we've all finally arrived at the simple truth that this is a fine film, but I feel like it's stuff like this that might've had us on the fence for a few years (or decades). Despite having its own wildly over-the-top music video, I feel like the song was pushed to the bottom of the end credits as a way of saying "Listen to this or don't, it really isn't a part this movie." 

Sample lyrics:

I'll never understand this planet

The way these humans love to ram it

I much prefer the senso-rings

And all the timeless joy they bring

"Addams Family (Whoomp!)" Tag Team

Addams Family Values

At best, I can forgive the "Addams Groove" from the first film - MC Hammer was inescapable at the moment anyways, and besides, I think the whole thing was meant to be satirical (or it felt that way at least). But in this case? Unless it was included to literally poke fun at the first movie's use of a rap song, this is a travesty that, it my mind, scars the whole film; for me, they're (sadly) inseparable. If these movies absolutely needed to have an original song (they didn't) then I would've rolled the dice on maybe some Horror Punk band to assume the role. If they were going for irony, it definitely didn't land twice. 

Sample lyrics:

Whoomp! Family, whoa

Whoomp! Family, whoa

Whoomp! Family, whoa

The Addams Family

STATIC SHOTS

When Food Goes Bad

Movies glamorize everything - even when they're condemning or satirizing, all that Lights, Camera, Action can throw a glitzy sheen on the most troubling circumstances, no matter how cautionary the tale. So even when they try to depict something gross (like, say, some unappetizing food) it can still look somewhat attractive to me. Except in the following instances...

You know I love movie food and sexy depictions of food and eating while watching and just generally and openly fetishistic about food porn, so when they manage to make eating look disgusting you know they're doing it well. Here's 5 particularly unsavory moments. 

- Paul

Spaghetti

Se7en

This is an easy one - no one's in the mood for pasta because they just watched Se7en, but it stands out to me personally because there actually was an occasion when I had just casually rewatched the movie and then had spaghetti shortly thereafter - like same day - and it really hit me at the wrong angle. 

Greta's guts

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

On paper (and on the VHS cover) this scene plays a whole lot scarier and grosser. I used to look at the back of the video box when I was little and see Greta's giant cheeks and thought it was just depressingly horrifying. In the movie it's played for laughs (bitch) but the sequence is forever linked to that queasiness I felt as a kid. 

Dinner of Doom

Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom

This whole movie is gross to me, and not in a fun way which is why I rank it so low in the franchise and for Spielberg, and this scene is one of the big reasons. The eyeball soup is cartoonish enough to be like whatever, but the snakes and bugs and brains bum me out more than the actual animal scenes in any Italian Cannibal movie. 

Hotdogs

Nothing But Trouble

Here's another movie I don't like - not because it's gross (even though it is) but because I think it sucks. One thing it does get kinda right is its disgusting absurdity - it's like the slimier parts of Eraserhead stretched into a feature (though these hotdogs are way more detestable than any little chickens). 

Sardines over pretzels

The 'Burbs

I'll be honest, I always thought this combination looked kinda good -- so much so that, yes, I went ahead and bought a tin of sardines and attempted the Klopek Stacker. I think what it comes down to is you gotta be at least somewhat partial to tiny fish steeped in oil to really get any enjoyment out of this hors d'oeuvre beyond its cultural reference. In other words, it's no Peanut Butter & Onion Sandwich. Zero stars. 

Magnificent Home Video Artwork Through The Years!

As I've bitched before, the journey from theatrical (and now streaming) release to physical media leaves a few casualties in its wake. In the olden days those victims would include sound quality, picture clarity, and aspect ratio. Understandable losses, the technology lived and died in my lifetime and now I can see the edge of the frame from my couch. But something that rarely made it into my living room was the theatrical poster: those glossy pieces of art that sometimes found their way onto billboards, into magazines and comic books, and maybe the wall art selection at your local Kmart. But mostly you saw them when you went out to the movies and they became tied to their respective features as an identifiable logo. Then they'd come out on videocassette wrapped in some alien image of shapes and text (usually an uncomfortably extreme closeup of the lead actor) and you'd think "what the fuck is this shit?" You know it, you share my gripe. It got even dumber with DVD, worse with Blu-ray, I don't know what the hell is going on with the 4Ks, and I'm not even gonna mention the stupid ass Netflix thumbnails. Content personified by celebrity mugs, surgically enhanced and digitally smoothed. Garbage in, garbage out. 

Apparently the canvas of a video cover is too small to convey panache or mood, so at some point somebody's gotta rethink the approach and redesign their art. And wouldn't you know it, sometimes it worked out okay, or even better than okay. Short of when the original poster art actually made it to the cover (though sometimes both sucked) there have been several standouts in my mind of 'alternate art': old videocassettes that became personally (or even culturally) iconic, all the way up to more recent 'special edition' digital video discs that either improved upon or utilized the original graphics. These are several that immediately come to mind.

- Paul

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (VHS)

It's unfortunate, though understandable, that Matthew Peak's original (but convoluted) Freddy's Revenge artwork didn't make it to video stores. No matter. As jumbled together as this cover is, it is perhaps the best interpretation of what this or any Elm Street movie is about: a horrifying melted face engulfed in flames clawing at a shadowy suburban home. I always thought his Part 2 makeup was the scariest, and when you consider that all other depictions of him - whether on video covers or posters or physically in the movies - are dimly lit or entirely abstract, so for me (and maybe for most) this became the most explicit and pronounced image of Freddy Krueger. It haunted my nightmares. 

Rock 'n' Roll High School (VHS)

Was never a fan of the clamshell cases for videocassettes (or as I just called them "big puffy covers"). It was probably on my short list of why I hated Disney movies. But, I absolutely loved the Warner Home Video covers - they often employed original poster art on their boxes, overlaid on their immediately recognizable color-appropriate gradient backdrop. But when they didn't use the posters, they'd assign some obscure publicity still as the centerpiece, creating the vibe only ever utilized by The Criterion Collection. I adore the original Rock 'n' Roll High School poster by William Stout (I have it in my home) but the perfection on this VHS is so esoterically spot-on that it feels like skilled fan art. 

Enemy (Blu-ray)

One of the deciding factors for me to make the jump from DVD to Blu-ray was to have a shot at putting this piece of art on my shelf. I was sorta prepared to buy the movie anyway but I held off when I became aware of this aesthetic upgrade; nothing against a stylized glamour shot of Jake Gyllenhaal, that has its own elegant beauty, but this grim Magritte style against a solid mustard yellow is a much better indication as to what the movie is really like. 

The Blob (VHS)

The theatrical poster wasn't too dissimilar: a silhouetted figure ensconced in pink slime. But the slime looked like raspberry ginger ale and "The Blob" font was better suited to a computer hacking movie; it definitely nailed down the Science Fiction side of the story. But video store shelves were reserved for the Horror Show and so instead we got this ghoulish emaciated victim that incidentally gives a face to the monster, complete with outreaching arms. That and the typeface in fatter, Blobby letters made for a memorable and exciting design. 

Heat (Blu-ray)

This is the most refreshing upgrade and it only took a quarter of a century. I hate floating heads - either that or they never seemed to perfect a composition that made it pleasing, and the Heat heads were some of the most agitating. (Also, I like Val Kilmer but he ruined that Godfather Mt. Rushmore.) This sparse, moody L.A. scenescape best defines the movie while also being more visually captivating than anything in the movie. 

Mitchell (VHS)

I unironically love video art that misrepresents the content of the movie. This doesn't promise any monsters or nudity that isn't actually in the film, and these actors and a helicopter are all part of the plot, but never together and not in this capacity. Also Mitchell came out in 1975, and this particular video release came out in 1989 - note the updated clothing and hairstyles on Joe Don and Linda Evans, probably to capitalize on the peripheral popularity of Hunter or Spencer: For Hire or some other bubbly detective show from that particular moment. Mostly I just like the cartoon bad guy falling to his death like Wile E. Coyote. 

Godzilla: The Showa-Era Films (Blu-ray)

Of all the Criterion covers, which would you choose? Me, I picked one I don't even own or intend on ever buying - but goddammit this artwork will always give me pause in regards to "Hmm, maybe I can learn to like Godzilla." I mean the movies are fine I guess but they certainly don't warrant the eye-catching vibrancy of this Pop Art box set - I'll just get a poster and be done with it.

The Burning (VHS)

It is what it says it is. It certainly takes the mystique out of its stupid ass title, but what it doesn't do is make use of the best and most stylish scene of the movie when Cropsy massacres a boatful of campers with some gardening shears - that's a great image and does look good on a poster but it's such a damn giveaway. This one hour photo print of a stuntman on fire feels a whole lot scarier and more mysterious than anything the movie has to offer. 

A Fish Called Wanda (Blu-ray)

Typically I don't like these busy modern-day Drew Struzan-ripoff murals that have graced the covers of every special edition release of everyone from Shout! to Vinegar to Arrow. But the symmetry of this lineup against the clean white background pops brighter than any of the dreary, muddled Horror stuff. And the details of every prop they've included to even the facial expression are direct, recognizable references that would cause even a casual fan to laugh.