1.29.2022

Sit, 1987, sit. Good dog.


What do you remember about 1987?

Ok, that's not a very fair question. How about from when you were 4 years old - any milestones or trauma that stand tall in your memory? What about the small stuff - how many times did you scrape your knee or paint a picture? How many Happy Meals did you consume? These years - the first few years - may be "formative" or "psychologically impressionable" or whatever, but they're so dark & fuzzy that it makes it difficult to reminisce. And you know we gots to reminisce. Fortunately, there are photographs. 



January 1987 - 35 years ago. Several feet of snow smother the landscape, throwing divine light through my window into my little boy bedroom accented by primary colors and some weird 70s wooden plaques from Woolworth's. What was to be expected of me that day, or any other day? School was a year and a half away, my own Nintendo was 2 years away, and I never felt any sense of accomplishment in the construction of a snow angel. Through math & science, I've concluded that there was, as there'd always been, television. In between whatever toys & picture books there were, the TV - hooked up to a cable box and a VCR - was the thing. 


Married... With Children, DuckTales, and Ninja Turtles debuted that year, but I didn't settle into those grooves immediately. I was deep in the sultry glebe of Cheers, Night Court, and Moonlighting, and their respective theme songs of anthemic companionship and after-hours Soul Rock became my soundtrack of domestic wellbeing. I also shared a home with a teenage girl, and MTV and its audio/visual parade of "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now," "(I've Had) The Time of My Life," and "Wanna Dance With Somebody" created an ever-present ambience of almost-clichéd timeliness - as though there were a constant reminder that "Hey! It's the 1980s!" 


I can comb textbooks to find out what was new & what the rest of the world was into in any given year -- but at that age I really didn't care how much a gallon of gas cost. I indulged in my fair share of Double Dare and roller rinks that year, but the decade didn't necessarily dictate or define every activity I did... Having said that, birthday and holiday photos are very telling when it comes to calculating where my interests laid (or lied?). 


It's not that I was specifically into the armed forces - not in any real world sense anyway. But as I turned 4, my movie of the moment was Stripes - and predictably so: Venkman and Egon turned me on to hand grenades, army fatigues, and topless mud wrestling. Because of this, '87 had an incidental theme; much like 1989 was my Tim Burton Christmas (almost as much as 1990 was) this year was, somehow, my Ivan Reitman year.

February

October

December

If there's one great thing that came outta The Real Ghostbusters cartoon, it was that we finally got some licensed toys (as I detailed thoroughly when I covered the entire '87 Christmas haul). And much like some of the more recent installments in this ever-growing franchise, despite the quality of the continual output, it's an excuse for them to sell us more merch. And so, regardless of our collective '80s nostalgia' fatigue, bustin' continues to make us feel good. 


But outside my world of animated series and HBO, new movies were populating the theaters - big, commercial, 80s nostalgia movies. More than enough to define the year and maybe the decade. Take a look at this lineup:


Major Motion Pictures all of them. Not one of these made my Top 20. This isn't me being crass or obstinate - my choices are all mainstream, popular flagship flicks just the same. That is to say, there's a lotta great stuff from which to choose. That is also to say that these pinnacle pictures are of such great import to me that I've spent years polluting this site with in-depth love letters to most of them. So, official ranking aside, a lot of these will be brief with the bouquets. After all, when it comes to Kubrick, Carpenter, and the Coens, what more is there for me to say? (Though when it comes to Elm Street, there's still that same desire to feel the fire.)

- Paul



1. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
The best movie by the master of the '80s Teen Comedy' is a timeless, grownup Dramedy. It's also the best movie of the year - which, as I've pointed out, is no easy accomplishment. Apart from packing the biggest emotional punch, it's truly a marvel of moviemaking; how Hughes manages to deliver raw sentiment without slipping into schmaltz is a trick I'll never figure out. 

2. Beverly Hills Cop II
A 100-minute Tony Scott music video is the only way to approach it (as redundant as that sounds). Actually, to keep the theme going, it's my favorite Tony movie. It's probably my favorite Eddie movie. And what the hell, I'll finally officiate it: it's my favorite soundtrack. Take a moment to appreciate the weight of that...

3. Three O'Clock High
I've sung enough praises for this picture that I'm just about outta lyrics. Though I could add that, in this context, this Action/Drama/Horror/Teen Comedy is a compact potpourri of every genre on this list. If you've seen it I'm sure you'll agree. And if you haven't, hopefully my waining credibility in amateur film criticism has enough gas left to get you on board finally.  

4. Throw Momma From the Train
Murder. Blackmail. Motives and alibis. It taught me about Hitchcock before I knew Hitchcock. There's a lot to be said about the slapstick and sight gags and one-liners, but the actual premise is so inexplicably outrageous that the descriptive title almost doesn't do it justice. Although, Momma, Owen, and Owen's Friend Larry wouldn't be a very sultry improvement. 

5. Raising Arizona
Hillbilly humor from two of the most talented troubadours of the Western World - it was an unexpected departure because of their talents, and as a followup to much darker material. And so, an indefinable style began to emerge: one that would always be moody, funny, provocative, and wildly original. It's hard to imagine something of this caliber being released nowadays by anyone. 

6. Like Father, Like Son
Big year for Comedy here. In between Freaky Friday and Vice Versa, this was received as the 'lowbrow' body-swapping fable. I'm not sure I see it that way, but if that's the case, it's certainly the one with the best script, the best vibe, and by god the best soundtrack (Autograph, Crüe, Ramones). I dunno, I think if you try to intellectualize this kinda story, you're doing it wrong. 

7. The Monster Squad
While we're talking 'best-ofs,' here's the best Horror of the year (which, as this list proceeds, may seem like an audacious choice). It's a vampire movie, it's a werewolf movie, it's a goddamn mummy movie for chrissake -- what a refreshing departure at this point in the decade. It's a film about kids for kids, but in mood, plot, and sprawling parade of antagonists, it's a pitch perfect (though unlicensed) homage to the old Universal movies. Just accept it & don't be chickenshit. 

8. Lethal Weapon
It will forever be thought of as the explosive, buddy-cop Action Comedy that it is. Upon each viewing, one experiences the bleak, violent Melodrama that it is. The fact that it is indisputably all of these things at all times is a miracle of hardboiled fiction. 

9. Innerspace
Audrey Hepburn said, "Everything I learned I learned from the movies." We shop at the same store; and amongst all that Cinema has taught me is human anatomy - thanks to Joe Dante's SciFi Comedy with the mindless plot and the magnificent chemistry. (Not to mention the strongest visual effects that are as gorgeous as they are gruesome.)

10. Overboard
Critics weren't particularly kind to this twisted RomCom upon its release. Personally I could never get past my unconditional love for Kurt & Goldie, and this movie is a Greatest Hits Box Set of their charm and talents. And despite its far-fetched (and sometimes mean-spirited) premise, it's the second best kids' movie of the year. 

11. Predator
Action SciFi Horror - I don't know if it started in the 80s, and it certainly didn't end with the 80s, but this platter had the most pu pu in the era of Aliens and Critters. It's amazing: it's got virtuoso suspense, lurid gore, and one of the best monsters ever put on film, but what will always stay with us are the characters and the dialogue. (And that Alan Silvestri theme is a sexual tyrannosaurus.)

12. Full Metal Jacket
In the Kubrick rank, it's probably in my lower third (which is still enough to be one of the best of any given year). I completely love the structure of it and how the movie has two separate pant legs -- it's just that the second half couldn't live up to the pace and performances and the compositions of the basic training sequence. But for that first act as a standalone achievement, it's the darkest corner of Stanley's sense of humor. 

13. Hellraiser
It was to be "the future of Horror." And then it wasn't - it couldn't, it was that unprecedented; there was no way to follow in its footsteps. It introduced new fears, new mythologies, new sights to show us. You couldn't even say it was indicative of the time - some hair & wardrobe aside, it's unnervingly timeless and still packs a punch as the gothic vision of terror that it is. 

14. Stakeout
I recently watched this alongside its 1993 sequel, and no lie, it was one of the greatest movie experiences I've had in recent memory. I don't know if I was just in the right mood or what, but I felt a level of comfort and joy that had been absent from movie viewing for some time. All Double Features aside, I'll yet again advocate this movie largely for its soundtrack. 

15. The Stepfather
A Thriller though the eyes of the killer - that's hard to pull off; hard for the screenwriter, and hard for the actor. Combine Crime novelist Donald E. Westlake and greatest-actor-ever Terry O'Quinn and they make it look pretty easy. I'm always impressed when movies trick me into sympathizing with savages. 

16. Opera
Remarkable - a decade of slashers scurrying around trying to pull off the most elaborate kills, the most sickening slaughters, the most memorable mutilations. Along comes The Master to show us how it's done. There are effects and stunts and twists and camera moves and locations throughout that elevate the whole show to 'Action Giallo!' (which is exactly what I always needed it to be). 

17. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
I've poured my heart out over each entry in this franchise... except for this one. Statistically it's the "fan favorite" I guess, and I think that's because it's got a lotta plot; it's very linear and satisfying and populated with lotsa fun characters and free from a lotta the usual abstractions. And that's why it's the one I return to the least: it's so fucking button-down that I tend to get bored by its lack of "weirdness." Still though, the introduction to "MTV Freddy" and his very first theme song holds a great deal of importance to me. 

18. The Untouchables
I'm never able to say I'm a DePalma fan but I know when he makes a fun movie. I also can't credit him for making a flawless period piece - this movie is so aggressively 1987 that Boy George shoulda cameoed as Pretty Boy Floyd. But the cast as is - from Jack Kehoe to Billy Drago - is a smarmy, pulpy pastiche of violent Americana. (And Ennio's score is practically its own movie.) 

19. Harry and the Hendersons
The Bigfoot subgenre almost entirely sucks - save for this one sweet Family film that had enough heart (and money) to redeem the very idea of the entire folklore. The movie is basically a feature-length ALF episode (which is absolutely fine with me) but with slightly better makeup/animatronic effects; any time I take a look at it I'm awed by Rick Baker's now-iconic Sasquatch and I give in to that tired lament: "Man, I miss practical effects."

20. Prince of Darkness
It's hard for me to talk about this movie, because it's a hard movie to talk about. The film is a pristine John Carpenter mood and not much else. In fact, the movie wastes a lotta time insisting that it has a plot, which you would think intrudes on the bizarre atmosphere, but this obtuse, convoluted "story" only adds to the bizarre atmosphere. So to reiterate, it's a hard movie to talk about. 

1.24.2022

MONDAY MEDITATIONS : 1/24/22


I woke up Saturday morning, and realized that my sense of smell had finally returned after my early January stint with Covid, by being assaulted by the pungent scent of tainted pork in my fridge. There were three sad remaining uncooked pieces of bacon left that were very poorly wrapped. They were hard and turning green fluorescent colors. I unfortunately had to throw them away, which left a lasting uneasy feeling with me throughout the morning, as we are not a household that wastes food, especially if it comes from the slaughter of an animal. 

   My son came with me to run the daily errands, which included stopping by the library to pick up the date night feature film, and running by Grampy's house to get the package deliveries. Unbeknownst to him, there was a special prize in that mail, that he had been desperately seeking. Something that he had been asking me for since before Christmas, but was not able to acquire for Santa to bring. After returning home, we sat him down, with a bowl full of vanilla ice cream - his favorite - and pulled out a duel copy of Babe and Babe: Pig in the City for him to watch. He exclaimed that it was the best day ever.

  The day was not over yet. A clusterfuck of chores, another Xmas, and a child's birthday party. The damn Coronavirus had made its way through our entire extended family, and so the holidays were put on hold. The day had arrived to get together with the in-laws for the big exchange. My baby was not expecting to get more gifts today, and was over the moon when we he opened up a Hamm piggy bank toy filled with money. He is obsessed with all things Toy Story and this very special character was missing from his vast collection of film-related toys. 

   After pretending Santa had come for a special late January visit to Auntie's house, it was time to spend three hours in a bouncy house/ball pit of hell. It was exhausting. And after finally putting special 'Hamm the piggy bank' to bed in a wrapped blanket, and then our overtired little boy to sleep, we were to retire to our couch for our movie snuggles. Tonight's feature had come highly recommended and had nothing but positive reviews. And this actor is a workhorse. Mostly his output is dreck, but once in a while, he wows. And boy, did he move me in Pig.

These strange things happen to me all the time. 

- Babes


1. "Piggies" by The Beatles

2. "Ohio" by Crosby Stills Nash and Young

3. "Can't Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow

4. "Jive Talkin'" by The Bee Gees

5. "Cherry, Cherry" by Neil Diamond

6. "Dedicated to the One I love" by The Mamas and the Papas

7. "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa (Sad Song)" by Otis Redding

8. "Winterlude" by Bob Dylan

9. "Sunshine" by The O'Jays

10. "Blueberry Hill" by Fats Domino

1.21.2022

TOYS ARE US : Colorforms Learn 'N Play VCR Adventures


I'm pretty certain Colorforms were invented just for me. A more honorable way to put it would be to say that they were invented for people like me - but really, they're for me. 

If you're unfamiliar, Colorforms are vinyl "clings" that you can easily stick and unstick to a surface to create a unique piece of art. They're stickers without the longterm commitment - which dulls the anxiety brought on by real stickers, but also offers no sense of closure or accomplishment. I digress. Ever since 1957, anything and everything that was ever popular culture got its own Colorforms. They had licensing as far-reaching as Funko has today, and it lasted for decades. 



They were invented by Harry and Patricia Kislevitz in 1951, and before it became a brandname, their Colorforms were simple, colorful geometric shapes. And even more than a little plastic Winston Zeddemore or Lydia Deetz decal, the concept of "shape and color" turned me on immensely - much as it does to this day. Incidentally (or was it fate?) my first set of Colorforms were exactly that - with a twist of modern technology. 

You ever get that "generic child's gift" from a relative who knew nothing about you? I've gotten a few, and when you're 4 years old, you're less picky. Regardless, I was given such a gift by such a relative for Christmas in '87, and it became a formative treasure that I immediately recognized as such: Colorforms Learn 'N Play VCR Adventure from Karl-Lorimar Home Video.


A movie that came with its own props that I could have & hold?? Why couldn't this be more common? The video is called Journey to the Magic Jungle (which apparently was only Volume One) - a 30-minute puppet show that follows Max and Suzie into an imaginary wilderness in which they use their bag of Colorforms to get them out of various conflicts. Additionally (and this is the important part) they have a map that instructs them to find 4 "special shapes" scattered throughout the tangled vegetation that are meant to somehow save the jungle.


Whatever, the plot isn't important. What was and is important were the illusive shapes that they'd find at the end of each short scene; they looked like precious stones, crushed and pressed into hard candy.




I needed these in my life - I still do. Alas, they were not included with the video. What it does come with is a sheet of characters and objects depicted in the show (one of which I have tattooed on my arm), a sheet of generic neon-colored shapes, and a cardboard background representing the "magic jungle" environment. Seen below is the first published creation from the youngest member of Bennett Media. 




These artifacts are a wonderful celebration of some of my most concentrated nostalgia. And in broader, more objective terms, Colorforms were like bold, arresting tattoo flash before I knew or appreciated what that was, and time has only cultivated that assessment - sometimes in the most physical manifestations.


But for this particular set, it was all about this video. For whatever amount of camp it seems to have, that's because it's basically for toddlers - I can't say it's inherently "dated" because everything still works (especially those shimmery shapes). For however long they'll allow it to be, the entire tape's been uploaded to YouTube. Skim through it at the very least, but you'll be poorer for not indulging in the handful of musical numbers. And if nothing else, watch the opening Karl-Lorimar logo to experience a sound and visual that will make you question whether or not you're currently in the middle of a fever dream or a waking nightmare. Welcome to the jungle. 

- Paul


1.18.2022

BENNETT INVENTORY : That Moment


On Deadly Ground -- Playing w/ Cupcake

Post-holiday Winter viewing is always a struggle to reckon; grim, weather-appropriate Dramas in celebration of nothing. Sure there are plenty of fun "snow movies," but you've got to be in the mood for fun. So, when I am, despite the grayness of existence, 1994's On Deadly Ground is just about at the top of that very specific list. 

Before I became so methodical and unyielding, it was simply a "sleepover movie": a film watched ritualistically whenever you slept over someone's house when you were a kid. I think that's key because it's best enjoyed with at least one other person - if not a group - and a big reason for that is that it's mercilessly quotable from beginning to end -- but very much one scene in particular. 

Steven Seagal movies (between 1988 and 1998) typically guaranteed you one specific scene. Barring some of the bigger budget plots that pitted him against soldiers/terrorists/mercenaries, at some point in the movie he would go up against some hired goons or local hicks - always in a group, and often in a barroom setting. On Deadly Ground (also directed by Seagal) has him playing an environmentally conscious firefighter named Forrest Taft who embarks on his own brand of highly-trained street justice against an evil oil company in the Alaskan wilderness, while simultaneously preserving the rights of the Natives. If you're wondering why I bothered telling you all of that, it's because each and every one of these plot points comes into play in a scene roughly 10 minutes into the feature. In a bar. 

A gang of off-duty oil workers begin bullying one of the locals - mostly with clumsy and obvious racial slurs. Soon they become physically violent, and only then does Forrest intervene. It's this scene that appears in most of his films that is typically the best scene, but this one rises to a kinda joyous absurdity that a few of the others don't have. Firstly, this bar of brawlers and onlookers seemed to be recorded mostly with ADR; on top of the Country Music soundtrack and fight foley of breaking glass and bones cracking like uncooked spaghetti, isolated bits of dialogue dominate the audio, like "Don't hurt him, Forrest!" or when Seagal grabs an assailant by his genitals which cues a disembodied voice to exclaim, "My nuts!!" I can never help but imagine people in the sound booth recording these lines. 

Once he takes down a dozen or so of these underlings, he's left with the lead antagonist of this scene, played by the marvelous Mike Starr - best known for Uncle Buck, Ed Wood, and Dumb & Dumber (which are the first three that come to mind - I could've easily said The Natural, GoodFellas, and Miller's Crossing and it still would've sold his talents). Forrest challenges him to "the hand slap game" which was (is?) an aggressively violent middle school game that involves, predictably, the slapping of hands. Forrest's version of the game allows him to beat Mr. Big Balls to a bloody mess with a few swift blows to the face & abdomen. And once the bully is broken and beaten, Forrest calmly asks, "What does it take? ...What does it take to change the essence of a man?" And then Mike Starr, as the character and as an actor, humbles himself before this beastly blowhard and tearfully laments, "I need time...to change..." Pure Cinematic Magic.

- Paul

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