7 More Mascots I Miss

In spite of (or maybe because of) my ongoing love/hate situationship with McDonald's, whatever's broken between us can never truly be mended for the simple fact that McDonaldland and all of its inhabitants has been erased from existence like Alderaan; we were gaslit into thinking Ronald & Co. never existed, and perhaps that crescent moon lounge singer was simply a case of drive-thru delirium. Unlike TV shows, mascots aren't killed off and replaced as part of some convoluted story arc; one minute you're singing Marvin Gaye songs for Sun-Maid, the next you're part of some faded nostalgia tour, playing state fairs alongside Spuds MacKenzie and The Noid. Point is these lovable heroes of advertising pack up and leave sometimes without even leaving a note and we're supposed to just get over it. Maybe I'm sentimental -- or maybe Flo from Progressive isn't filling that hole in my heart. Either way I'm not recognizing too many new (or old) symbols trying to sell me products anymore; it's as though everyone's afraid of accidentally appealing to children, and I don't really blame them - I can't go into a store without my son talking me into leaving with at least a 4-pack of Charmin because of the kinship he has with those bears. 

Point is I don't just miss the familiar faces of my precious little childhood, I miss having these colorful supporting characters to perpetuate the plot of my own life. Sometimes we didn't bother to learn their names, sometimes they didn't even have a name, but the effort was made to bring joy into our lives, and all they wanted in return was for us to consume their products. Here's a list of 7 superstars we need now more than ever. 

- Paul

Tang Trio

Tang

Existing somewhere between the California Raisins and 7up's Cool Spot, this gang of claymation lips appeared in commercials, on clothing, and as plastic figurines in the late 80s, but it was a low-key coup at best. I recall these creatures because of their striking imagery but I appreciate them much more greatly in hindsight; their longevity may've been cut short because maybe Tang wasn't really a strong player in the late 20th century - even as much as I adore these characters now I still ain't buying no damn Tang. 

Pizza Head

Pizza Hut

There were plenty of things that weren't my brand as a kid (Sega, Pepsi, Burger King) but when it came to commercials I retained no prejudice - I enjoyed every form of Pop Art regardless of affiliation, so even though I wasn't a fan of the Hut I always looked forward to the misadventures of this stale slice of 'za. I loved the "Mr. Bill" sketches on SNL when I was little and I immediately recognized the homage, but the more impressive thing to me now as an adult is the brave depiction of a food chain's main course as the dry, coagulated, rubbery triangle that it typically was. Bravo. 

Cap'n Crunch Robot

Cap'n Crunch

Josh Baskin must've loved this. Appearing only a few times in the mid 80s, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch enlisted this towering Transformer to help him defeat The Soggies. I've always had a thing for retro Atomic Age robots but having a legit Cap'n Crunch box for a torso makes it 100% cooler. 

The Micro Machines Man

Micro Machines

John Moschitta Jr. is his name and the gimmick was no fluke: in the 1980s he held the Guinness record for world's fastest talker. And when he wasn't doing voice work for the Transformers cartoon or appearing on Saved by the Bell or FedEx commercials, he was trying to sell us ridiculously small vehicles. I never really got into Micro Machines but I was never not enchanted by the magic show that was Micro Machines commercials. 

Unsinkable

Cheerios

For a brief moment in the late 80s, Cheerios had a mascot that was, indeed, a Cheerio. I'm not sure that he actually had a name but the message of all the advertising in which it appeared was "Cheerios are unsinkable", featuring a lotta sports and skating and competitive Mountain Dew-esque activities in which the buoyancy of the cereal was a euphemism for endurance. He was charming enough but the commercials themselves were lavish spectacles of cinematography and special effects. 

The Flintstones

Push-Up

Hey I got news for you - The Flintstones never went away. Even if you disregard their famously renowned and influential sitcom, they're still heavy hitters in the worlds of vitamins and cereals. Even more big news: push-up pops are still around too. But the marriage of these two cheap thrills was a secret third thing that nearly defined the 1990s with six flavors of sherbet that utilized the entire Stone Age Family and their pet. Fred & The 'Stones were a symbol of quality; I know I'd ingest any brand of poison that had Betty Rubble on the label. 

Ernest P. Worrell

Various

Unless you lived in or around Nashville, Tennessee in the mid 1980s you never saw Ernest during your commercial breaks. But if you were an Ernest fan you sure as heck rented Ernest's Greatest Hits from the video store - 60 minutes of 30-second spots advertising a lotta regional stores and services but also stuff like Mello Yello and Sprite. This is an example of how commercials can be better than movies - we get an endless amount of Ernest unfettered by some extraneous storyline, knowhutimean? (Yes I'm gonna use that phrase every time we discuss Ernest.)

1988: It was just too late to know

Childhood ends at different times in different ways for different people: tragedy, responsibility, sexuality, whatever shatters the safety and innocence of which we're rightly entitled during those first years. For me, it was the invasive yet subtle introduction of school - namely Kindergarten. It slipped in like a virus, asymptomatic at first but soon the effects began to take hold. Not that there was anything particularly bad or upsetting in chocolate milk and finger painting, but the realization slowly started to set in: I'm missing all my shows!

In a larger more fatalistic scope, I'd just entered into a steel cage of doom that would detain me until retirement or, more likely, death; daytime television had become a symbol of illness, Summer, or unemployment, and no one alerted me to this new reality prior to my blind compliance. Before September of '88 my schedule was largely dictated by Cable and it was a more engaging and informative classroom than I would ever encounter. The afternoon block of programming titled Nick Jr. debuted at the beginning of the year, mostly comprised of Asian and European cartoons like David the Gnome, Adventures of Little Koala, and Mysterious Cities of Gold. Added to their regularly scheduled lineup of stuff like Count Duckula and Mr. Wizard and it was a fully educational day covering all the major subjects. There were children's shows all over the dial like Jem and Zoobilee Zoo that I'd watch casually, but the bulk of them were of an already bygone era: Flintstones, Popeye, Mighty Mouse, Looney Tunes - even then these things were 20, 30, 40, 50 years old, and as I sit here now they're still around and popular and considered all part of a gold standard. 

Same thing with grownup shows; I spent some time with syndicated Scrabble and Win, Lose or Draw as well as Soap Operas like All My Children and One Life to Live. But again, this was the midday dumping ground for "Classic TV" like Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, The Monkees, Hazel, and every other pre-1970 Primetime program that limped its way into local broadcasting - not to die, mind you, but to become immortalized through me which strengthened me. Kindergarten extinguished this flame without mercy, and I became both stronger and dumber for it. I still had years ahead of me filled with baseball, bike riding, and Batman, but leisure time was now a luxury to be worked into my structured schedule. 

God bless the advent of Nick at Nite to keep me caught up in the continuing adventures of Ozzie, Harriet, et al. Though 1988 wasn't just about old TV for me. I'd received a bounty of ghost bustin' gadgets at the end of '87 so I'm sure I spent some amount of time neutronizing Sumerian gods while trying not to look directly into the trap. A life of adventure -- so much so that I began the year by cracking my skull open on the corner of an industrial dumpster in a sledding accident (a threat they didn't warn me of in the Juicy Fruit commercials). But that's part of the bigger idea: I played. I galavanted and cavorted. I shot lasers and slew vampires and stuck stickers and ate fluffernutters; my time of freedom leading up to my life sentence was not wasted, and was dedicated mainly (but not exclusively) to Dick Van Dyke, California Raisins, and severe head trauma. That's time well spent. 

I attended one theater visit, Roger Rabbit, the only real new movie I saw that year. But looking back now at what was in theaters back then, yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers! A few Box Office Blockbusters, but an otherwise bonafide bonanza of Cult cuisine and 80s pinnacles, all amounting to a cavalcade of choices so overwhelming that I had to scale back to present a nice round list number. The twit in me would describe the output as "colorful and inventive" but really the word for this year is "wacky."

Something like 20 sequels came out, and aside from a few clunkers (Caddyshack II, Arthur 2) they were mostly great (and mostly horror). Other than that, big splashy originals and fresh genre efforts are what 1988 was about, and ultimately became a lot of the defining pictures of not just my life, but also of Film History and Popular Culture as a whole. 

My son starts Kindergarten in September of this year but he's already been doing the Preschool thing for a while. Recently my sister asked him what he thought of it, and his response was "School is nonsense. I wanna be home with my family." Who's to blame for this defiant attitude that's clearly expanding and intensifying with each new generation? The declining quality of the classroom environment? A rigid framework forced into fragile developmental stages too early on? Or is it Dobie Gillis? Time will tell. 

- Paul

1. Midnight Run

I feel like I publish praise for this flick every few months. And why the fuck not? There may be a little nostalgia mixed into my adoration for this, the greatest Action Comedy of all time, but that doesn't minimize its greatness of all timeness. Everything about it feels so simple, yet it continuously unfolds and surprises in its story, its humor, its excitement, and even its drama.

2. Beetlejuice

Also not much left to be said about this extremely popular movie. I remember seeing the TV spots and thinking "this is definitely for me," but ironically could never remember the title. It wasn't until it made its way to Cinemax and I thought "this is it! This is that movie!" I was turned on by how bizarre it looked, and it's one of the few times I can remember a film surpassing the abstractions of its trailer; it was even more absurd than what they sold. 

3. Vibes

A small budget Romantic Comedy Adventure somewhere between Raiders and Romancing the Stone seems to be the perfect speed for me. But I'm intellectualizing - Jeff, Cyndi, and Peter Falk are like three of the most likable and watchable screen actors anyways so I defy anyone to not be entirely enchanted by this. 

4. Die Hard

It took me years to recognize that it didn't reinvent the Action Movie, but satirized it in such a bombastic way that it works as both a Comedy and a straightforward thrill ride. And a Christmas movie. 

5. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

If it had to have humor, if it had to have action, if it had to be rushed into production to meet the demand of this rapidly growing pop icon, then this truly was the best we could possibly get. Again, even more than Freddy's Dead, this is the parody of the fun and the dumbness of Elm Street and should be championed as such. 

6. A Fish Called Wanda

Leave it to a couple of Pythons to make the British Crime genre so silly. Though at the same time, it's refreshingly buttoned-down and accessible - both in its plot and its humor. Added to that, Jamie Lee and Kevin Kline are notable dramatic actors, and they carry the movie as the comic relief. 

7. Crocodile Dundee II

The first was a neatly packaged first act, and the only reason it required a sequel was because we wanted more. This installment is all about Mick's macho charisma and magic tricks that were the highlights of Part One, stretched out into the poignant 80s premise of taking down some Columbian drug lords. We didn't know we needed it until we got it. 

8. Flesheater

One of my most sacred "Halloween Season Mandatory Viewing" movies, primarily because of its weather accuracy. Seasonal setting aside, the cast has more depth than nearly any other 80s Slasher movie, and the culmination of score, gore, and suspense is on par with the best of Fulci. 

9. The Last Temptation of Christ

I consider this the dawn of Marty's most inventive era as a visual artist. It's one of the earliest examples I can think of where the subject matter of the movie was less of a draw than its actual moving parts; a true filmmaking achievement to capture my interest almost entirely through photographic storytelling. 

10. Big

The effect this movie has is still as relevant and unique as it was then. It's a hard kids' movie with a zany premise but it doesn't shy away from the terrifying reality it creates; adulthood is scary, but a supernatural overnight transformation that alienates you from your safe childhood is some fearless fiction.

11. Ghosthouse

One of the last great Italian Horror flicks of the decade (and Umberto Lenzi's career) mixes 80s Slasher tropes with a malevolent ghost, resulting in a bonkers, directionless plot that's most concerned with surreal imagery and gruesome kills set to a creepy score. Part of a dying breed. 

12. Who Framed Roger Rabbit

There seems to be a recurring formula around this time: fantastical ideas that capture the imagination, saturated in adult themes - violence, sexuality, fear, sadness. In other words a well-rounded movie that's not confined to the boundaries of genre or a target audience. I'm grateful to have been a kid when this came out. 

13. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!

To think the TV show on which this was based was cancelled for being too subtle. Admittedly I'm a fan of the subtleties of slapstick, sight gags, wordplay, fart sounds, and concrete dildos. 

14. The Blob

Glad we're all finally in agreeance that this is one of the best remakes of any film genre -- which is a backhanded way of saying it's just a great movie. Considering it's an FX heavy SciFi flick with a literal faceless blob as the villain, it's pretty remarkable how much suspense and good dialogue comes out of it. 

15. They Live

I caught it for the first time ever on Cable, right at the beginning of the fight scene, and soon thought "...is this it? Is this the whole movie?" And that forever set the tone for me - and rightly so, because it's the correct tone: a comedic satire played entirely straight. Strangelove for the 1980s? You'd better believe it, brother. 

16. Imagine: John Lennon

Extremely telling and also guarded and superficial - like the man himself. A complex life and soul in under 2 hours is gonna have some hiccups, but the depiction of his murder and the news footage sequence of grieving fans is a powerful ending to any kind of movie. 

17. License to Drive

Not a lotta Teen Comedy options this year, but this Ferris Bueller-meets-After Hours hybrid kinda transcends its subgenre, resulting in just a straightforward Comedy with shades of realism (who wouldn't risk their lives for a date with Heather Graham?).

18. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

My favorite of the franchise as it's the first time I found Jason to be cool. Ironically this is the first to feel most like an Elm Street movie which is probably also why I respond to it favorably. 

19. Daffy Duck's Quackbusters

During the periods it wasn't perpetually on HBO, it was my consolation video rental; when nothing else seemed good, I'd get this. And understandably so, it's practically a Looney Tunes Greatest Hits without commercial interruption - a true content binge before it became a way of life. 

20. Pulse

To this day I don't fully trust any of the machinery in my home, and it's not because of Poltergeist or 2001 or any of those - it's because of this. That's an effective Horror movie no doubt, but even without the carnage (but especially with it) it's yet another great kids' movie to come out of this year. 

21. Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

I'm always fascinated when a one-dimensional character suddenly finds themselves dealing with conflict and having emotions. (It worked for Pee-wee, didn't work for the Mario Bros.) To see her get off the couch and go on an adventure and sass the locals and dance naked in a Vegas musical is so much more than we deserved. 

22. Ernest Saves Christmas 

The fact that it features very little Ernest is solid proof that his longtime production crew knew how to craft a good movie without the bumbling hillbilly antics. Good for them, but even still, in his limited screentime Jim goes full force, busting out several of his "characters" and securing him amongst the ranks of Peter Sellers and Eddie Murphy. 

23. Critters 2: The Main Course

Also my favorite of this particular series, and I've gotten the most use out of it as an Easter movie (which also helped Last Temptation). B-side holidays aside, of all the Gremlins ripoffs over the years, this is the one that captures the excitement, humor, and inventiveness of its supposed source material. 

24. Dead Heat

Horror Comedy can be some pretty bad medicine. And to be fair, the clever and bizarre Horror outweighs the tepid and uncomfortable Comedy just enough to give it a sharp enough edge to become (wait for it) a great Action movie. 

25. Above the Law

I've seen it 40 times, I still don't know what the hell it's about. Don't care, it's still a sleek Crime Thriller from Andrew Davis (Fugitive, Under Siege) that introduced us to the whole Seagal genre (complete with the usual topnotch who's-who of supporting roles). 

26. Hellbound: Hellraiser II

As good as the first, which is my brand of highest praise here. The most honest and logical sequel since Godfather II - even with a new director; it answered questions, raised new mysteries, and actually managed to create even more grotesque sights to show us. 

27. Scrooged

I was initially bummed on it because it just wasn't funny enough. I still am a little. But it makes up for it in mood; it really does have a somber creepiness to it that is so accurately Dickensian, it works as Horror. And Bill's frantic monologue at the end is clearly Oscar worthy. 

28. Talk Radio

When Oliver Stone aims small he misses small. The fascination with the "shock jock" bled into so much Film and TV (and stage) that it just felt like a hallmark of Fiction. But this one has no chance of humor or redemption, it just spirals into darkness until it's pitch black. 

29. Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach

After 4 films I finally stumbled upon one that worked for me. And why does it suddenly work? Because it's broader and bolder and dumber than all its predecessors; this is when they stopped trying to be real movies in any traditional sense and just let the mayhem ensue. 

30. Not of This Earth

When I hear words and phrases like Drive-In, Exploitation, Roger Corman, Creature Feature, I imagine a specific kind of imagery, and all of it appears in this film. It's almost as if New Concorde and Jim Wynorski were entirely self aware and knew exactly how to make a great movie. 

STATIC SHOTS

1988

MY FAVORITE EPISODES part six

Get ready for a very merry night of television that will prove once and for all that seeing is believing.

A "Halloween Episode" was not nearly as commonplace as a "Christmas Episode" or "Holiday Event" - usually prefixed with "A Very Special blah blah blah." The message was typically the same: family, giving, a weather crisis, that kindly old man maybe actually was Santa Claus. And it was not uncommon to borrow the entire premise of A Christmas Carol and/or It's a Wonderful Life for an entire 22 minutes. But all of this predictability and parody translated into a familiarity and warmth as even your TV heroes were doing and feeling and celebrating exactly as you were: "Hey, how do they know it's Christmas?!" And then even the commercials were saturated in the season - it all created this inescapable circus of joy that didn't invite any specific cynicism or fatigue. Not as a child, not now.

So, like anything related to a holiday or specific time of year, standalone episodes can become tradition through the magic of physical media and streaming. And as far as putting you in the mood, it works - nearly as well as music. It's a bottomless playlist, but these 5 will leave you with a satisfying variety. 

- Paul

Dragnet

"The Christmas Story" (season 2)

The Baby Jesus has been stolen from the church nativity and Joe & Bill put aside all the hippies and homicides in L.A. to track down the newborn King of Kings. Everyone else, from their superiors to the people they question, suggest they move onto more pressing criminal activity, to which Friday responds in peak dryness, "It's the principle." SPOILER: it was all an innocent misunderstanding, which leaves a little boy asking, "Is the devil going to send me to hell?" In a moment, the results of that trial. 

All in the Family

"California, Here We Are (Parts 1 & 2)" (season 9)

In the superfluous (and terrible) final season lies one of my favorite episodes of the series. Archie and Edith travel to California to spend Christmas with Mike, Gloria, and Joey - the only time we see them this season (and logically the last time on the show). It's a breath of fresh air to have the entire cast together one last time, but fan service aside, they take full advantage of the original dynamic in a two-parter that contains some of the funniest and saddest bits of their whole run. 

Perfect Strangers

"A Christmas Story" (season 2)

Bad weather has prevented Larry and Balki from traveling to Larry's childhood home in Wisconsin, thus denying him the traditions and nostalgia he requires to celebrate the Holiday properly. It's an entirely otherwise rational thing to crave on Christmas (to me anyway) but in typical Perfect Strangers fashion, we're gifted with an existential awakening that gives us a more simplistic, Balki-like outlook on life. 

Hey Vern, It's Ernest!

"Hey Vern, It's Holidays" (season 1)

Leave it to the man who literally saved Christmas that same year to know a little something about yuletide pride, knowwutimean? Except the premise here is that Ernest attempts to celebrate an entire year's worth of holidays in a single day (including the Indy 500 and something called "Meat Week"). So this installment is a bit of a Swiss Army Knife; you need something to watch next Flag Day, Ernest is your man. 

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

"Man Milk" (season 5)

A decidedly provocative and organized half hour of television featuring Ben Hur, Steve Brule, and the breakout debut of Tayne. More pertinently, our two handsome boys have began lactating and they have kindly (though foolishly) decided to bottle their unpasteurized man milk and gift it to their friends for the holidays, resulting in a creamy white orgy of dairy death. Great job!

Babes's TOP 20 HORROR MOVIE CRUSHES

   Everyone is attractive. And horror movie actors(tresses) are no exception to this rule. Sometimes they can even elevate or distract me from a horrible feature. I'll even forget, and remember the movie fondly only to revisit it later, and be reminded that it was only those perfect breasts that kept me engaged. At heart, I'm still just a horny teenager. And my lizard brain is overactive with big eyes for all of those Hollywood cutouts. Same as you. 

- Babes

Kenny

Ernest Scared Stupid

I have always loved the Ernest movies because Jim Varney is a funny motherfucker. It should come as no surprise that his spooky-themed one is the nearest and dearest to my heart. And this little boy, with his very early nineties haircut, blue flannel shirt, and super pouty lips stole my heart. He was one of my earliest pretend boyfriends. And I deeply fantasized. 

Brian Stevenson

Little Monsters

I was always a Winnie Cooper kid. But then I saw this underrated masterpiece and Fred was my new prince. What tips the scales is definitely when he dons the leather vest at the end. Super hunk.

Richie Tozier

IT

Everyone was adorable in this. But little nerdy, glasses-adorning Seth Green was the very best. And a fetish was born. 

Lucy Westenra

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Watching Lucy writhe around, groping and touching her half naked self in the rain, did things to me on a chemical and physical level that I cannot even describe. 

Tatum Riley

Scream

I pretended I liked this movie so that I could see it three more times in the theater, and buy a VHS copy, just so I could ogle this goddess some more. 

Terri

Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth

These movies are not scary, but more so completely disgusting. They for real churn my stomach, and I have to be in the right mood to allow that queasiness. As for this sequel, it takes this very special kind of hottie to distract me from my upchuck feeling, and turn me on. 

Donnie Darko

Donnie Darko 

This was a new release blind rental. Apart from being blown away by its originality and amazing soundtrack/score, I was getting all the feels from the handsome doe-eyed lead actor. And I knew that he was going places. Boy was I right. 

Seth Brundle

The Fly

Jeff just oozes sexuality as much as he does literal goo. 

Carole

Repulsion 

To those of you who need to know this, it's not the crazy ones that you need to be wary of, they're bound to be the most adventurous in the ways you want them to be, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. And she is so goddamn pretty that it hurts. 

Herman Salvadore

The Lords of Salem

Honestly, in certain light, this guy looks like my sexy husband. So that helps. And he's cool as fuck. I should know, I've met him.

Jay Height

It Follows

This film photographs her unusual beauty well, highlighting her gigantic eyes, and making her skin look delicious. 

Hedy Carlson

Single White Female

How do you make her look hotter? Try making her try to look like Bridget Fonda? Winner winner chicken dinner.

Allie Jones

Single White Female

She has always been list-worthy, but this look reigns with that adorable red pixie cut.

Slack

Land of the Dead

Her dark and brooding look caught my attention in this otherwise bag of shit that I had to sit through in the theater. And upon further investigation, she's weird, which makes her even better.

Shaun

Shaun of the Dead

Fewer films have made me laugh harder than this one. And humor is seductive as hell. 

Sarah Roberts

The Hunger

She never makes any scream queen lists, but why not? She's was more alluring than anyone else on them! Especially with blood dripping down her face and body.

Kate Beringer

Gremlins

While I agree with Paul - while this is the worst wardrobe in the history of film, it doesn't take away from all that is her. 

Crawford Tillinghast

From Beyond

Skittish, bookish nerd, in librarian-esque sweater is provocative to me the way naked is to others.

Ginger and Brigitte Fitzgerald

Ginger Snaps

This film was described to me as a "lesbian werewolf movie". While it's not, I can still pretend, and I very much like to...

Sukie Ridgemont 

The Witches of Eastwick

It's worth noting that her character is extremely fertile, and has many children, which means she really likes fucking. And sluts rock.    

17 Unsung Sidekicks

Second banana. Right hand man. Mini boss. Crony. Aide-de-camp. These are the synonyms for the Watsons and the Igors and the Barney Rubbles and R2-D2s of our collective pop culture pantheon and many of the best and brightest have found their way to the center of the spotlight. This list honors the folks who never got that chance, and so their contributions are that much more precious to me. Join me in thanking them for their service. 

- Paul

Willie Tanner

ALF

Let's face it: ALF ain't nothin' without a competent straight man to not laugh at his sarcastic, antiquated humor - and Willie deflected the bad puns and carefree callousness with a cutting sense of indifference. He openly loved & protected the alien, and rarely hid his hatred for him.

Bob

Batman

Even steady employer Jonathan Demme referred to the great Tracey Walter as "Bob from Batman." He may've been a Second Banana, but he was The Number One Guy; even Robin was never this faithful. 

Judas

The Last Temptation of Christ

I'll be honest: most of what I learned about the story of Jesus I learned from Last Temptation. So, naive me understood that Judas was only ever a loyal, protective disciple who was only fulfilling the Messiah's wishes. Original Scripture aside, Harvey Keitel's Judas proves to be the real hero of this fable. 

Nikki

Who's Harry Crumb?

The younger, inexperienced character who's eager to help is usually met with a lotta finger-waggling resistance. Not only is Nikki encouraged to participate, we're mercifully spared from a climax where a villain uses her as a human shield. 

Zeus

Die Hard With A Vengeance

On the long list of established heroes who absolutely did not need a partner, John McClane woulda placed somewhere near the top. Having Sam Jackson helps, but the reason Zeus is great is because he's even more of a reluctant everyman than our lead.

Artie

The Adventures of Pete & Pete

At its core, this series was more mysterious than Twin Peaks - due mostly to its impenetrable supporting cast. Artie may be the least subtle thing in the whole show, but that's why his unfaltering goodness is so supernatural. 

Birdie The Early Bird

McDonald's

The McDonaldland crew presents plenty of options, but Birdie's always been kinda my jam. I'm not sure if there was some Howard the Duck/DuckTales vibe that was reaching me, but I know it gives me a great deal of a weird brand of comfort knowing that she's the mascot for the breakfast menu. Not even Mac Tonight has that much responsibility. 

Eduardo

The Limey

You know how difficult it was to settle on one Luis supporting role? But that doesn't diminish my choice; Eduardo sets the whole story in motion, providing valuable exposition along the way, and even mans the getaway car when necessary. 

Meg White

The White Stripes

Maybe I'm just sentimental or nostalgic, or maybe because I relate to drummers, or maybe because I have an undying crush, but I remain casually apathetic to anything Jack White has done since the band split up. It's never gonna be the same without her.

Chuck & Bobby

Hey Vern, It's Ernest/Ernest Saves Christmas/Ernest Goes to Jail

It's a pretty equal partnership (and brotherhood), which makes them both sidekicks to the Numero Uno, Head Honcho, Big Enchilada, E. P. Worrell. I don't know how particularly helpful they are to our hero, but they're always there, trying their best. 

The Gimp

Pulp Fiction

It's blissfully unsettling to wonder about the sinister intentions of the man in the box. Putting aside how he got there, how long he's been in there, what his days consist of etc., who knows how dedicated he is to his lifestyle once he's left to his own devices. 

Josie

Beakman's World

Beakman had a rotating cast of "female assistants," and they all tried to emulate the wit and style of the first and best apprentice, Josie (Alana Ubach). There's nothing too vague going on here: a perky scientist with comedic chops and an excellent fashion sense? I've been under her spell since I was 9. 

Reed

Boogie Nights

Every character in this movie comes from a dark place and follows a dark path. Reed Rothchild is here for a good time - his only blunder is living vicariously through Dirk's victories and defeats, though still remaining the coked-out voice of reason. 

Billy

The Man Who Would Be King

Throughout this whole movie, it's impossible to know who to trust. Billy Fish remains a rock for the duration, but his allegiance remains questionable... until the end, when all doubt is washed away in one heartbreakingly selfless act. 

Torgo

Manos: The Hands of Fate

Not to be condescending, but Torgo does a lot in spite of his many shortcomings. And in the end, he's only human (I think), and basic compassion (and urges) simply don't gel with the rigid dogma of your basic polygamist cult.

Agent 99

Get Smart

Yeah, it's definitely more exciting when it's Barbara Feldon, but if you can find anyone who's smarter and braver than you while never attempting to make you feel inferior for it, you'll be blessed with all the blind courage you'll need to fight your own brand of KAOS.