Dog Day '92

The time on the cable box reads 9:37. That feels too early, I hate waking up when there's three numbers on the clock instead of four. What day is it? It's either Wednesday or Thursday. Even on vacation the weekdays all feel the same and I spend them looking forward to the weekend so I can get back to Ronny's house and keep working on A Link to the Past. The goal is to beat it by the end of summer and August is starting to give me the Sunday Night Blues. We've already rescued the Seven Sages and we have no idea how many levels are left, but between swimming in the pool and vacations in Maine and all the new Nickelodeon shows on Saturday nights, we might not get there before school starts. 

But now I'm up, and I go downstairs where Mom's in the parlor with Donahue on the TV and Teika on the couch next to her, but she's not really watching it, she's more into the TV Guide crossword at the moment so I can put on whatever I want. First place I go is channel 13 - Nickelodeon. David the Gnome is on. Man, I haven't watched this since Kindergarten, and I watched the hell out of it back then, but looking at it now it feels like such a baby show compared to Ren & Stimpy. I check WNDS because I know it's time for back-to-back Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, but it's a black & white Bewitched so I keep flipping. I go to channel 23, VH1, because there's always a good chance they're playing Queen stuff - especially since Wayne's World came out in February, and even more now that it just came out on tape. Sure enough, they're playing the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert again. It's cool, but I'd rather see old music videos and documentaries with the whole band. But I leave this on while I eat my Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and wait for George Michael to sing "Somebody to Love". That's the best part. 

It's sunny out. It's hot but it's early so there's lots of shade from the trees. There's nothing really to do outside except maybe ride my bike to Bennett Store, which I've done twice already this week so I have to find a way to ask for more money. At this rate there's no way I'm gonna get the complete set of the Batman Returns cards, but I'm still gonna try to get a pack every chance I get. I also need to replace my pouch of Big League Chew that's all melted together. Really though, the main reason I wanna go to the store is to buy more Coke in glass bottles, which is not a secret to Mom. I'm sure I've already spent close to $10 this week just on those bottles, but you have to understand, I've waited my whole life for this - an entire 9½ years wishing I could drink soda out of those beautiful, old-fashioned bottles like they do in the movies. I've been filling my empties with Coke from the plastic 2 liter in the fridge but it's obviously not the same - the excitement of prying the bottle cap, the sweat dripping down the curves, even the taste is different. Mom gets it, kinda, and she's been very generous so far but she keeps reminding me that she's not gonna give money every day for this. But I ask anyways -- actually, I ask if I can go get a ham & cheese grinder, and those are $2.25, so if she has a five dollar bill she'll most likely let me have the whole thing. Also this way she doesn't have to make me lunch. She knows this, and so she gives me a ten(!), but wants five back. I have to make this count.

I decide to walk to the store. Every time I ride my bike I feel nervous about leaving it outside and so I feel rushed. I can't rush today, I have exactly $5 to spend and I need to figure out the math (but I'm sure a couple extra quarters will be ok). It's not quite noon yet, and it takes only three minutes to walk there (two if I cut through the trees behind Bennett School) but I'm already sweating by the time I get to the store. Even the giant wooden screen door doesn't let enough fresh air into the place to be comfortable. Thankfully I'm the only customer in this tiny space but it's still humid and smells like potato salad. I walk over to the the tall deli counter and ignore the pile of wrapped sandwiches behind the glass because mine has to be specially made. "Ham and cheese grinder with just mayo. That's it!" The lady knows this, but I know if I don't ask specifically then they will mess it up - I hate picking off tiny little strings of lettuce. While it's being made I go into the walk-in cooler to get what I really came for. I let the door close behind me and just spend some time letting the frosty air cool my sweat. It's like a neat clubhouse in here - dim lighting, surrounded by Apple Slice and Crystal Pepsi, protected by a giant door that looks like a bank vault. And just then the old guy who works here opens the door and sees me standing there. "Nice and cool in here, huh?!" He's not mad, but I grab my single 8 oz glass bottle of Coca-Cola and head back out into the store. This should leave me with $1.50 (I think). The reason my Big League Chew melted was probably because I got bored with it - I need something new. Fruit Stripe? Cinn-a-Burst? Bubble Tape is basically Big League Chew in a different shape so that's out. Bart's really got me into Butterfingers lately but I got a whole bag of fun size ones at home. Everything else here is dumb; bubblegum cigar, Tootsie Pop, plastic army men with plastic parachutes... oh man, the Batman Returns cards are sold out?! Who else in this neighborhood is buying these except for me? Obviously I don't want these Ninja Turtles III or Star Trek Next Generation packs, and I'm not alone because there's a million of them left. I can't waste this extra money but I'm not excited about any of this stuff -- except for the Coke... Right! I'll get another bottle! That way I don't have to figure out another excuse tomorrow to come back here. A second bottle makes good financial sense. 

I get back with my grinder, my two Cokes, and Mom's change. I explain my decision to her about the extra soda and she says "okay" in a "that's fine" kinda way. I feel so rich having two unopened bottles! I couldn't imagine what it's like having a whole six pack - I'd probably never open them and just display them somewhere so I could look at them all the time. But I have no problem opening these - half the fun is drinking out of them. I open one with the fridge magnet bottle opener and take my ham & cheese and get set up in the parlor and try to find something on TV - hopefully a movie. I check HBO... Mannequin 2: On the Move. I hate Mannequin 2 - why don't they play part one anymore? Next I go to Cinemax... Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach - this one will definitely do. I don't know why I like watching it, none of the jokes are even funny and a lot of the acting is really annoying, but all the beach and pool stuff really feels like Summertime. I can't explain why that makes a difference to me but it does. I only watch enough to finish my sandwich and soda, and that gives me 30 minutes of Nintendo time before Mom watches All My Children at 1:00. It's not like I'm trying to beat something, I've been playing Gremlins 2 with the Game Genie and I've been using the "Infinite Lives" code and the "Don't Take Damage" code (though I guess I don't really need both). I haven't made it all the way through yet but knowing I can't die makes it feel like I've already beaten it. Still, I wanna see the Mohawk Spider Gremlin at the end. 

All My Children comes on. I haven't been into it as much since we found out it was Janet who murdered Will. All the other stories in the show just haven't been as cool. I still sorta half watch, but I'm paying more attention to finishing my Batman Returns comic book. Since I can't go back to the movies every day, I'm trying to draw the movie scenes on paper like a comic book. I've had to do it in two volumes because I couldn't staple that many pages together, but that gave me an excuse to make a whole second cover. But I'm almost done - I'm getting to the part where Batman drives the water skier through the sewer to get The Penguin, but first he has to put on all the pieces of his costume. 

I keep seeing commercials for a new Batman cartoon! It's weird to actually look forward to something in September, but this show kind of looks like the movies - they even use the Danny Elfman music (I hope they actually use it in the show and not just the commercials). But now All My Children is over and the TV is mine again. I flip around a bit and I find more Bewitched but I'm not in the mood - that's more of a morning show. Heathcliff is on Nickelodeon but I'm so tired of it, I think I've seen every episode twice. I go to Prevue Guide on channel 41, just to make it easier, but I also like watching it - mostly for the movie previews they play all day. Looks like there's mostly nothing on right now, but I'm still waiting for the scroll to get to channel 45 to see if anything good will be on HBO in the next hour... Yes! Naked Gun 2½ is on at 2:35! I guess I could watch Heathcliff till then but I'm having a much better time watching commercials for Soapdish and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves over and over again. 

3:00 rolls around. This is about the time I'd usually be getting home from school so out of habit I have to check the other channels just to see if something better is on. The Disney Afternoon just started on channel 38 which means DuckTales just started, and it's a really good one: it's the one where Gyro invents a kinda stopwatch that freezes time and then the Beagle Boys steal it and use it to take all the money out of Scrooge's money bin. Honestly if I had an invention like that I'd probably steal stuff too - all the tapes from Strawberries, all the action figures from Toy Works, and all the baseball cards from Hall of Fame. Well, maybe not all - just enough so that nobody gets in trouble. I stop daydreaming and suddenly it's 3:30 and Chip 'n Dale is starting. I stay for the theme song because it's awesome, but I flip around before the show starts because it's boring and I find Merrie Melodies on channel 39. It's one of those old musical ones with characters I don't even know. So I check Nickelodeon and it's Looney Tunes -- I never knew what the difference was between this and Merrie Melodies. But today Looney Tunes is a Coyote and Roadrunner episode so I stick with it. 

By 4 I've completely forgotten about Naked Gun and now I make my daily choice between Tiny Toons on channel 39 and Beetlejuice on 25. I go to Tiny Toons first because I've been watching that pretty much every day. I end up staying there, sitting through every Creepy Crawler and Super Soaker commercial until Ninja Turtles starts at 4:30. It's the one where Irma turns into a giant. I like Irma but she's so annoying in this episode. Whatever, it's the only good thing on right now and Dad will be home soon so I only have the TV for a little bit longer. Usually I'd get to watch the Mario Super Show at 5 and Saved by the Bell at 5:30 because Oprah was on channel 5 for that whole hour and nobody watches that, but now both parents keep checking all the other news channels for "election updates". Voting is still like three months away, I don't get why we have to watch stuff about it now. 

Dad has coffee and writes in his journal, which means I get to finish Mario and start watching Saved by the Bell - it's one of the ones where they all work at the Malibu Sands Beach Resort. These episodes are weird, I miss Mr. Belding. It's 20 minutes till supper and I ask Dad if we can go hit the ball down at Bennett Field. We've been doing that a lot this summer, ever since A League of Their Own came out last month. He says there's not enough time but we can play catch in the backyard "for a few". The sun's already going going down earlier than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still hot, and bright enough to see the ball through the shadows of the trees. In case for some reason I can't sleep over Ronny's this weekend I ask if maybe we can go to the movies on Saturday. There's nothing really exciting coming out but if we do end up going we agree that Stay Tuned looks kinda funny. 

We come in and Dad watches about 5 minutes of Peter Jennings before the rigatoni is on the dining room table. Teika sits at my feet during supper, quietly and patiently waiting for any kind of food. I know not to give him garlic bread because that turns into a night of stinky farts, so I slip him buttered pasta. I try to be quiet about it but he chews so friggin' loud that we can't keep it a secret. No one's mad, Mom's just pretend mad. The same way I'm pretend mad that she didn't make any brownies. Or that I have to take a bath - which I guess is ok, I can't even remember what day I took my last one. So after supper I take the world's fastest bath and only miss the first 10 minutes of the first episode of Married... With Children, but I get to see all of the second episode at 7:30 which is great because it's the two-parter where they go to the gold mine and I like the second part more. And then Married... With Children goes right into The Simpsons at 8. It's the softball episode which is cool because it has all my favorite baseball players, but I'm tired of repeats all summer long and I have to wait more than a month for the new Simpsons season to start. 

Mom's still in the dining room doing bills at 8:30 when Superman comes on Nick at Nite. This show makes me laugh, it's so stupid. It's weird people used to think it was cool when it was new (but I don't think Superman's cool anyway). By 9 Mom's on the couch and it's time for Get Smart. It's like the opposite of Superman - it's cool that old shows could be this funny on purpose. The same goes for Dick Van Dyke which is on at 9:30. I'd say it's definitely my favorite right now - it's the one where Rob and Laura are at a hotel and Laura gets her foot stuck in the bathtub and Rob draws a mustache on his face in permanent marker. I guess the only bad thing about Dick Van Dyke is that when it's over that means it's time for bed. Although bedtime actually means two episodes of All in the Family on WNDS. After Al Kaprielian's weather report, the first episode is when Archie accidentally gives George a fake $20 bill. I never knew that some money could actually be fake - I'm gonna start reading every word on every bill I see from now on. 

The second one is when Mike is about to graduate from college and then doesn't. I wouldn't say I'm wicked tired but I am sorta closing my eyes during the commercials and even a little bit during the show - I'm starting to hear the laugh track more than the jokes. At 11 I check VH1 once more for Queen stuff, but it's Standup Spotlight instead. The volume's too low to hear what the comedian is saying, or maybe it's because I missed the beginning of the joke, but I can't understand anything that's going on. Maybe I actually am tired. I guess I should start trying to fall asleep earlier, I'm gonna have to start getting up early again in a couple weeks. I really hope Fourth Grade is way better than Third, but more than that I'll miss getting up late. I'll miss going to the store any time I want. I'll miss playing hours of Tetris and Mario 3 before lunch. I'll miss being with Mom. And I'll definitely miss a lotta TV shows. 

- Paul

12 Treasures from The Hollis Flea Market

I don't know how familiar you are with flea markets - whether or not you've ever been to one, or casually visited a few to get the idea, or if you're legitimately under the impression that they have fleas there. Or, maybe you're like me and spend every Sunday morning of the warm weather season snapping into boiled wieners while wading through broken bowling trophies and flipping through faded Linda Ronstadt records. And if you're even further like me still, you had your 'usual' flea market, the one you visited most and simply became known as The Flea Market. For me, that's The Hollis Flea Market in Hollis, New Hampshire. And in February of 2024 during the off season, they quietly announced on social media that they were closed forever. 

 

In my lifetime I've witnessed the collapse of retail outlets, restaurants, mom & pop stores, entire malls, movie theaters, drive-in theaters, hotels, amusement parks, even playgrounds, but a flea market - as in The Flea Market - seemed too abstract to ever be in any real danger from the nondescript bureaucracy that's gradually been boarding up the windows of my life. But, it happened, and even though I've yet to fully confront the pain of this loss, it still hurts far worse than the absence of all the other aforementioned places (which is probably why my subconscious has yet to allow me to deal with it as a reality). I'm not being cute or dramatic, this was like the death of a loved one; I'd been attending The Hollis Flea Market since before I can remember and it came with only good experiences and happy memories. (How many things in your life can you say that about?) During whatever was going on in my life, whatever problems I was dealing with, whatever phase of interests I was going through, that real estate remained the same; despite the timeliness of the junk upon the tables and the tarps, it never felt like any specific year - there was no architecture or technology to indicate anything other than postwar Americana, and all the hubcaps and broken blenders and Stephen King paperbacks and Darth Maul headphones and Tickle Me Elmos congealed into a dusty mosaic that was always in motion yet remained a constant. Like that giant storm on Jupiter.

 

I can't get too specific about my experiences there or how it's left me feeling, because one, as cathartic as writing this is, the wound hasn't even become a scar yet and I'm not fully braced for the impact, and two, as I've asserted time and time again: nostalgia is nontransferable (and the same goes for grief actually). So instead of boring you with my woes any further, let's look at some shit. 

Below are 12 items I rescued from The Hollis Flea Market over the course of nearly 40 years. Not all of them are the best of even the most important purchases I made there but each one provides a chapter in a much larger story that will serve as a sentimental journey for myself, and also illustrate the more universal experience of walking up & down dirty aisles in the blazing sun, looking for gold (and broken Happy Meal toys). 

- Paul

California Raisins AM/FM Radio

I bought this just in the past few years, and I point that out not to call attention to a grown-ass man owning a novelty radio with bendy arms from 1988, but to say that even through the lens of adult eyes I wasn't able to talk myself out of getting it. I'm a lot more practical and a lot less impulsive as a grownup, but I experienced only a brief moment of indecision before I consciously admitted I couldn't live without this maroon plastic idol. I don't even think the radio part is functional, but unless it solely plays Motown songs I ain't interested. 

Biker Babe Wooden Plaque

This could've come from so many damn places: a carnival, a head shop, an auto garage -- and what life did it lead in whatever dorm room or bar or basement in which it lived? At any rate it found its way to the flea market (big surprise) and its smutty kitschiness caught my eye and tickled a chuckle out of me. It would've ended there but I was faced with two aggressive salesmen who sensed my mild merriment and decided to shoot their shot. My polite response was "Oh I'm sure my wife would be mad if I came home with that!" which was a lie on several levels. They backed off with a level of condescension that shouted "Guess we know who wears the pants in that relationship." Looks like I showed them. 

Batman Returns Movie Storybook

Scanning and scouring and digging is often how you find the best stuff - sometimes the only stuff. But there are those cases where every item on a table seems to speak directly to you. This instance wasn't that far-fetched, it was a youngish hipster couple unloading a bunch of their childhood and so our nostalgias lined up a bit. Trouble with that is when people have to part with stuff they're probably still attached to, the prices go up. I don't recall missing out on anything that made me feel deprived, and this maybe had partially been a pity purchase. Still, I'm always intrigued to find different perspectives on the evolution of Selena Kyle into Catwoman. (Unlike a lot of the more juvenile adaptations, this one actually does make mention of getting pushed out of a window by Chris Walken.)

Judy Collins CDs

Do you ever plan your nostalgia? I do. I revel and explore and swim around in it enough that I know how to make today a precious memory at some point in the future. A good way to do that is to embrace and saturate yourself in something new - like, say, a deep dive into the song catalog of Judy Collins. I purposefully bought this CD set as a means to always remember that summer whenever I'd hear any of the songs -- not for any specific reason, it's just good to leave breadcrumbs for yourself throughout the course of your existence. And now here we are, and incidentally a Judy Collins song will forever remind me of this now-defunct flea market. 

Screamin' Jason Model Kit

Around the time I was 9 or 10 years old is when I started getting big into Fangoria Magazine, and within those gruesome pages there would always be at least one full page ad for Screamin' Model Kits featuring stylized photography of Freddy, Jason, Pinhead, et al. as fully assembled and painted finished products. And as beautiful as they were there were two big turnoffs: I'd no interest in model building, and I don't think I could've handled an 18'' Cenobite looming over me as I slept. Nevertheless, during the first summer of my big Fango phase there was a vendor in Hollis selling his fully finished Screamin' Jason Voorhees model: the legs and torso were not attached, the strap on the mask was broken, and the cardboard machete was no longer a threat to anybody. Even after supergluing the two halves together he still struggled to stand on his own power; he certainly wasn't scary and he was tough to love, but it felt so cool and grown-up having him in my room. Today all that's left is this instruction manual for this model I didn't build. 

Fangoria #110

Speaking of! Flea markets are usually synonymous with nice weather (there are indoor options but that's an entirely different animal), but if you start too early or go too late in the season, the mood (and the weather) can be very different. I recall one very grey, sorta chilly, sorta damp Sunday in the middle of October in the early 2000s, which was most likely their last day of the business season and frankly I wasn't feeling it - my mentality had already moved onto Fall/October things and this predominately Summertime activity didn't fit in with that. And then like the segments of the Lament Configuration, everything aligned as I happened upon this seasonally appropriate periodical. It doubles as one of my favorite flea market memories and Halloween Season memories. 

Gremlins 2 Topps Trading Cards

While on the subject of favorite memories, there are few that are as magical as this. Someone, for some reason, was selling an entire box of unopened Gremlins 2 trading cards -- that's 36 packs of cards, folks. This was probably a little over a year after the movie's 1990 release and miraculously (or maybe understandably) someone was dumping these cards at a price that was cheap enough to meet my allotted spending money. A whole box of packs? I felt rich; each pack was like a bar of gold. At that point I was only mildly into the Gremlins scene but I did have a taped VCR-to-VCR copy that I borrowed from my cousin, and so the rest of that afternoon was spent opening packs while Gremlins 2 played on the TV. I amassed the entire set from that box and by the end of the day I was a fan for life.

Hopalong Cassidy Cereal Spoon

This was actually a purchase made for my son who had graduated to big boy silverware but our regular teaspoons were still too heavy and cumbersome. Frankly they're too heavy and cumbersome for me also - conquering a bowl of Coco Krispies doesn't require a utensil that could summon the power of Greyskull. So if there's a situation where we both need a spoon I will be the adult and concede - ultimately we'll both ingest the same amount of mercury or lead or whatever the hell this Baby Boomer relic is made out of. 

Pewter Figurines

When I was 11 or 12 (probably both) my biggest (if not singular) hobby was collecting these little bejeweled pewter statues. Any money I could accumulate went towards these, and the rest of the time was spent begging my parents to financially support this habit. These could sometimes be found in greeting card stores or fancy gift shops in malls, but during the brief period of my life that I dedicated to these trinkets, there was a table - a display - consistently set up at Hollis every Sunday morning. The little statues were arranged on shelves that ascended like stairs and draped in a fancy teal linen that made it look like a carpeted entrance to a castle. The price range was a slippery slope - smallish ones could be around $10 while a slightly larger one could be $40, so there were many variables when it came to choosing. I acquired so many little dragons and wizards and sword-wielding skeletons in that short span of time -- and roughly ten years later I set up my own table at The Hollis Flea Market and sold a large portion of my collection. The regret of that impulse decision haunts me more with each passing year. 

Beethoven and Chopin Busts

I'd wanted a heavy duty bust of Beethoven ever since I was a kid and noticed one prominently featured in A Clockwork Orange as well as in Hershey's 5th Avenue commercials. The closest I got was when I was a teenager I had a rubber one that sang "Roll Over Beethoven" when you pressed a button. Cut to decades later when I finally find one that appears to be made of stronger stuff - ignoring the fact that it's roughly 5'' tall I still consider it to be pretty perfect. It was also one of those situations where the seller didn't wanna break up the "set" so I got stuck with a Chopin too. I used to feel like it compromised the purity of the single Beethoven statue, but now clearly they both have significance. 

Schaefer Beer Sign

There's a feeling you get when you've reached that point where you've seen just about everything and it's almost time to go and couldn't find anything to your liking. In that situation it's not uncommon to panic and buy the last object you spot before you leave and so you end up driving home with a pair of rusty gardening shears with only one blade or a novelty shot glass from Atlantic City. I found myself in one such instance where I'd given up and accepted defeat, and when I did walk past this beer sign it certainly did pique my interest, and had I just arrived there or had I found a buncha neat stuff already then that interest would've faded by the time I got to the car. But instead it ended up being my trophy for the day and has lived in my bathroom ever since. 

The Beatles White Album Poster

Yes I've discussed it several times before, and consider this a guarantee (or threat) that I can't stop/won't stop. It was June of 1997 and I had like a week of 8th Grade left so I was in a fairly decent mood that Sunday. It could've possibly been the first Hollis trip of the season, and just like the summer before, I was on the hunt for Beatles stuff! In the days before online shopping it was tough to come by memorabilia for a Rock Group from the 60s; the vinyl industry had only just collapsed so finding records was like discovering The Pyramids, and at any flea market that was always my safest bet in finding anything Beatle-related. But this was way better than some moldy, sun-bleached Sgt. Pepper -- a poster that I was intellectually familiar with from books I'd read, and portions of it were included in my compact disc version of "The White Album" but truly I wanted the real thing: to own it, to experience it. And I guess I just inherently knew the imagery well enough to spot it out of the corner of my eye from several aisles over, held up on the side of a van with some fridge magnets. I don't know what the cost was or what my financial situation was in the moment - all I knew is that I'd just spent two months building a research paper on the Lincoln Assassination that was just a few days away from its due date and I consciously had the thought that I would've set that paper on fire if it meant I could have this poster. It didn't come to that (I don't know who would've benefited from such a transaction) but it was no fleeting fancy; it's still one of my most precious physical possessions. 

10 Cool Cars

Sorry if this concept feels derivative or played-out but it's a subject we've rarely tackled on this site -- and certainly never in any kinda Top 10 capacity. But don't worry, it's a little bit less of an eye-roll than it could be; there'll be no Deloreans or Batmobiles on this lineup (though I'll get damn close), but still definitely nothing super obscure. And yes, they're all cars as in fuel-injected terrestrial conveyances - so no jetpacks or skateboards (that will be an entirely separate list). Eat my rubber. 

- Paul

Deathmobile

National Lampoon's Animal House

Is it possible I've never brought up the Delta House Deathmobile before?? When I was little this part of the movie was even more exciting to me than the Belushi antics and intermittent nudity. I drew so many pictures of this car - even at school, when they'd hand out construction paper and say "make something" I often grabbed the black and red crayons and got to work on perfecting my Deathmobile artistry. Even when doodling I'd write the Delta House fraternity logo of "Triangle TX" before I knew what that stuff meant. Technically I still don't. 

Columbo's Peugeot

Columbo

"You take care of your car, it'll take care of you." It may've been old and dirty and absent of seatbelts, but this French Cabriolet was reliable enough to last the Lieutenant 10 seasons. As someone who's crashed through a handful of cars I can tell you that it's always the unstable ones that give you the most love. (Same goes for women, amirite fellas?!)

The Monkeemobile

The Monkees

This souped-up Pontiac convertible was like a bright, funner 60s Batmobile (though it was not created by the same designer as people often claim). It got way too little screentime on the show, but one of the coolest features of the car was its drag parachute that was branded with a giant Kellogg's logo from when the band did cornflakes commercials. Let's face it it, The Beatles never reached these heights. 

The Duck

Batman Returns

Speaking of brighter Batmobiles... There's so much to love about it; so rarely do bad guys get their own Villain Mobile, and this self aware rubber ducky boat/car is such an exciting splash of color in the notoriously "dark" Batman movie. Also I like how you have to do some mild detective work to figure out what it is and where it came from -- nowadays The Duck would probably have its own origin movie. (I haven't checked, it probably does.)

The Tanker Truck

Duel

Another one of the Unrecognized Universal Monsters (Spielberg had several of those) it's rusty and dusty with mystique. I've heard fan theories that it could've possibly been supernatural but that still doesn't take away from how badass it looks. Again, count our blessings that we don't have a Halloween-sized franchise exploring all the possibilities.

The Black Moon

Black Moon Rising

I don't have to explain why the titular vehicle from this 1986 Tommy Lee Jones Thriller is cool based solely on looks, do I? Look at it! It's like the LEGO version of The Wraith (and I actually mean that in a good way). But its other big draw is it can exceed 300 mph and runs on H20. Buckle up!

EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle

Stripes

I find RVs and motorhomes to be pretty ugly, but this wonderfully dated avocado camper with equally-retro curtains is actually pretty sleek. This was my first exposure to the idea of a weaponized automobile; before James Bond or even Batman this gave me my first glimpse at a regular car that could shoot guns and throw flames. I'll drive. 

Dracula's Hearse

The Monster Squad

I'll admit, I feel a little weird about The Count driving a car - it's of my opinion that anyone wearing a cape is better suited to stagecoach or sea travel. But, I suppose if Drac has to navigate the 1980s in style then a black Cadillac Hearse with a custom skull hood ornament is the way to get around town. 

The Gadgetmobile

Inspector Gadget

I typically hate the design of hatchbacks - they look like motorized fanny packs out there on the road. But Gadget's car is so stylish and slender and colorful that I always found its standard sedan version to be very attractive - regardless of all the flamboyant bullshit it can do. 

Jack's Ford Bronco

Lost

Perhaps just another symbol of how the handsome rich doctor is actually Mr. Rough-and-tumble who drives a truck. But as the unkempt pill-popping, Nirvana-blaring derelict that Jack appears to be at the end of Season 3, this early 70s brown Bronco feels appropriate. If I were stuck with a truck, this is the one I'd choose.

STATIC SHOTS

MY AWESOME MIX TAPE #11

'95 With A Vengeance

Well it's 1995... again(?). That's right, I'm revisiting the revisit, rollin' with the homies, to infinity and beyond, etc. etc. Five years ago I explored Hollywood's bleak apocalyptic premonitions of what the future would be and how that outlook dominated 1995; no kidding, more than a dozen mainstream movies predicted disease, war, crime, totalitarianism, artificial intelligence, and the resurrection of a murderous cult leader. 25 years later - as in 2020 - it all seemed painfully pertinent. And now we find ourselves in the Fifth Anniversary of that tumultuously pivotal year and suddenly the concept of chronology appears less relative and more urgent; I began 2025 in the throes of Covid-19 as The United States approaches the threshold of an overproduced reboot. Time is a flat circle. 

Last time I took a look at '95 I proclaimed that there weren't enough good movies that year to compile a list. I didn't actually research that thoroughly, that's just a general reflection of that year that I always carry with me; the truth is that 1995, for me, was mired in shortcomings and disappointments, and some of that was rooted in the movies. There were a lotta good films, great films even, but for some reason the extra serving of clunky schlock persistently stands out to me. For the otherwise edgy 1990s it felt like there was a lotta safe, overblown camp that seemed more in line with the worst shades of the 1980s; adding to my aforementioned list of Science Fiction Films, stuff like Congo, Species, Bad Boys, and Showgirls really provide a general sense of '95 Cinema. But more than anything, the movie that mostly threw off my equilibrium was Batman Forever. 

At 12 years old, a more cynical and less intelligent person would suggest that I was simply too old for Batman, that I'd outgrown it, but what actually happened was that the franchise had regressed, severely; Joel Schumacher's goofy Action Comedy was a grave disappointment in my Tim Burton brain, and it's quite possible that this early bruise is when I began to lose touch with the "Blockbuster". I've seen it since, old as I am now, and it comes with a strong fragrance of nostalgia for sure, but after 30 years of many more movies in my mind, many more Batmen on the roster, and much more personal wisdom, it still remains laughably inept in my eyes. Though I still maintain the opinion that Jim did as much for The Riddler as Jack did for The Joker - and appropriately so, Jim Carrey seemed to be the most powerful person in the universe at that exact moment, but in hindsight I find him to be the only reason to ever revisit this particular movie. 

There was a lotta Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the air too. And suddenly Antonio Banderas was in like a million things. Jane Austen had replaced John Grisham as bankable source material. NBC dominated the dial with Friends, ER, Seinfeld, Caroline in the City, and Frasier. Meanwhile most of my TV time went to Absolutely Fabulous, Mystery Science Theater, and Flying Circus reruns on Comedy Central. Top 40 radio was aggressively soulful, with all the biggest hits coming from All-4-One, Vanessa Williams, Simply Red, and, of course, Seal. Even bands like Soul Asylum and Smashing Pumpkins got noticeably softer for a second. I've professed in the past that I find the 1990s to be my least favorite decade of pop music, and it all sorta circles around the scummy drain of this midpoint of the decade. But like I said the last time I roamed these dark halls, I was a depressed, overweight 12-year-old and my only friend was a dog that I had to put to sleep that April; this wasn't the year for me to go out chasing waterfalls, and I feel like a stronger lineup at the box office would've been therapeutic. But by the end of the year I had a new dog. I'd discovered The Beatles and Quentin Tarantino. If I were to be sentenced into an awkward, lonesome puberty then I was going to fashion it into a tolerable (or maybe even enjoyable) experience. A band from the 1960s and a movie from 1994 ended up defining my best experiences of 1995, because in all honesty that's the reward for being alive during any specific period of time: I'm not fully defined by whatever the headlines or Nielsen Ratings or weekend grosses of some calendar year turn out to be - if anything I use popular culture to better orient my own memories to determine when and where and how I was. There are entire social media accounts built exclusively on the attitude of "only 90s kids know" and then show a picture of a Power Ranger; we can read about what the public was into, but to have lived it, breathed it, smelled it, is an open invitation - an assignment - for all living witnesses to tell us what it was like. 

Having said that, I probably spent most of it watching TV.

So yeah, there were actually a lotta good movies in 1995 - and truth be told I probably saw many of them on Home Video in 1996, which is another good excuse as to why this year felt so dry. But quality aside, there was one heckuva quantity - as in, I personally saw a lot of what they were putting out, at least in the mainstream, so at the end of the day, I have some pretty positive things to say about a shit ton of movies -- like, enough to celebrate the 30th Anniversary properly with a complete Top 30. It almost feels unfair to my many omissions from stronger years, but diving this deep into a cursed year may just be a cathartic experience for me. And for you hopefully it'll stir some nostalgia that's less polluted than my own. Too much television watchin' got me chasin' dreams. 

- Paul

1. Se7en

Or Seven as it was called then. I (probably like a lotta viewers) was surprised by its skillfulness; Cop and Killer Movies felt pretty dry and derivative by this time and so to be gifted something with such patience and panache (and savagery) felt particularly exciting. But now we know it was no fluke - it spawned a million imitators (and a title sequence that's still the standard 30 years later) but clearly this film (and its filmmakers) remains in a class on its own. I was already in full Kevin Spacey mode when I first saw it, so his appearance at the start of the final act was a bigger surprise to me then anything they'd written into the movie. 

2. Casino

I went into it in the headspace of "Diet Goodfellas". After a couple viewings it was easy to shake that mistake and digest it as the violent Rock Opera that it is. I still find this era to be Scorsese's peak as a visual artist, and so this epic of cards and dice and slot machines and neon lights and blueberry muffins and beatings proved to be fertile ground for gorgeous photography, transcendent editing, and a tremendous soundtrack.

3. Toy Story

This wasn't much of a surprise; it was the first Disney (or Disney adjacent) feature that I didn't see by accident - though my expectations of a pioneering, candy-colored kids' adventure ended up being surpassed by its pace, originality, and humor. I've loved the entire series but this one still remains my favorite.

4. Heat

A shortage of the glitzy energy found in other Michael Mann movies always prevented this from climbing too high for me, but the mood that prevails in even the more stagnant moments is constantly working on levels we're not even aware of. But clearly my standards are still high - currently the Crime genre (or any kinda movie) doesn't approach this caliber anymore (not even from Mann). 

5. Die Hard With A Vengeance

It was different for a Die Hard movie, it was different for an Action movie; apart from its traditional "realtime" structure, its nonstop pace in a sunny daytime city is an elaborate and expensive standard set by Speed the year before. And by that standard it outdoes the first two installments (in some ways, let's not get crazy).

6. Tommy Boy

This was a casual Saturday matinee for me but I incidentally witnessed a certified classic (as was the 1990s). Though one of the more troubling subcategories that gained momentum this decade was the SNL adaptation - so it usually felt fresh when cast members could pull off a picture that wasn't chained to some 7-minute live sketch; following the John Hughes footprints this movie pulls it off wonderfully. 

7. Forget Paris

My RomCom experience is mostly confined to a narrow period of time - mostly 80s and 90s - but like any genre from any era there are some that rise above the rest. Labeling aside this is a tremendous Comedy with a great cast and a unique narrative structure that makes it more compelling than it needs to be. 

8. Tales From the Hood

90s Horror still keepin' it weird with this entry that probably belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of that very specific brand -- certainly Top 4 Anthology Horror Movies. Around this age I found that "scary movies" always ended up being sillier or duller than I had been led to believe; this movie was advertised as being a bit of a lark, and ended up being darker and better crafted than most other movies that year - obviously, it made the Top 10. 

9. The Usual Suspects

For a lotta folks this movie is: a surprise ending, and not much else. Not for me, I taped it off of Pay-Per-View and watched it every day for months. Throughout the 90s there were a ton of these pulpy Crime Thrillers, and for as many as I consumed this one ranks pretty high. Also makes a good case as to why the roles of Editor and Music Composer should be filled by the same person.

10. 12 Monkeys

Of all the dystopian downers from this year (or actually any year) this one towers above them as the saddest, the scariest, the best-made, and the most original. When Gilliam actually took something seriously, that's when the absurdity played best. At the credit roll I'm still left with the same dazed feeling I had when I left the theater the first time. 

11. Crimson Tide

The last great Tony Scott flick - where the style and the substance reached crazy heights without hitting the ceiling; a supposed rewrite by Quentin, kaleidoscopic cinematography by Dariusz Wolski, and two of the greatest actors of all time (leading an equally dynamic supporting cast) make this my favorite in the submarine subgenre. 

12. Home For the Holidays

Speaking of stellar ensemble casts... More nuanced and less structured than the advertising had us believe (though the final act limps along) it's a casual character study that's never too heavy but never obnoxiously lite - which is an accurate depiction of the Holiday Season. 

13. Apollo 13

I went into it with The Right Stuff as the standard (which is probably unfair - to any movie) but at the end of the day (or three decades) it's too fun and bubbly and exciting to place it in any kinda low regard. (Though this is one of the first times I truly felt a disgust for computer animation.) 

14. Nixon

Biopics gonna Biopic - but an Oliver Stone Biopic has the potential to be batshit crazy, and it is (just like its subject matter) but its brilliance is in how well it balances its paranoid schizophrenia with the button-down formalities (again, like the subject matter).

15. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

I'm what you would call a Steven Seagal connoisseur (at least from his Warner Bros. days) and so while many of his vehicles may appear indiscernible to a less refined palette, I can assure those philistines that this is an absolutely worthy sequel in tone and structure and is nearly on par with the original. 

16. Castle Freak

Director Stuart Gordon was mostly knows for Horror Comedy -- that is very much not the vibe of this Full Moon Feature that pretty much plays it straight. So when it inevitably veers into terror and gore it's no laughing matter. One of the few movies that makes my skin crawl a bit. 

17. Lord of Illusions

For the entirety of its troubled production schedule, Fangoria was there reporting and I followed that story for over a year. Honestly that's what I remember most about it and what I think about when I watch it now. On its own it's gothic Clive Barker goodness, but it also very much has that personal edge for me. 

18. Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight

Billy Zane has attracted most of the attention this movie has earned over the years but I wanna use this space to call attention to the crazy ensemble cast of character actors who're clearly having equally as much fun with the material. 

19. Clueless

How did someone go about making such an accurate Period Piece about the current period? Usually hindsight is the most advantageous tool in recreating an era on film but it was as if Amy Heckerling & co. merely held up a mirror. 

20. Braveheart

14th Century Euro history as a Popcorn Movie; it feels reminiscent of the 1950s in that sense, but you update it for the 90s with some action violence and suddenly we have a new standard for the "Epic".

21. Casper

Like The Flintstones, a $50 million budget that has the aesthetics of a grade school diorama. Unlike The Flintstones, genuine laughs and heart and characters we care about. (Sorry, Flintstones.) 

22. Get Shorty

The new John Travolta Crime Comedy was a big deal to me and just about everyone else at that moment. Unfortunately it was no Pulp but it did have its own mood, as well as scintillating performances from Gene Hackman and Dennis Farina. 

23. Four Rooms

With the space I'm given here I'll say: the first sequence (or "room") is one of the worst movies I've ever seen, the second room is passable slapstick with a few laughs, and while the fourth room is still Quentin's best work as a director to me, the third room is the best thing that Robert Rodriguez has ever done. So, it's uneven to say the least. 

24. Waterworld

I knew going in that there was controversy surrounding its production, but I found the finished product to be captivating. My generation didn't receive a ton of nautical adventures but this one certainly worked for me - particularly Dennis Hopper's usual mix of comedy and menace. 

25. The Crossing Guard

For its black & white simplicity, Melodrama is tricky business. The movie smothers us in a world of grief and guilt and never lets us up for air (not even at the end) but there is a definite joy in watching the most talented actors in the world convey that misery. 

26. The Mangler

It gets the edge over Dolores Claiborne as my favorite King adaptation of that year because of its archaic storyline and shameless depravity; an evil laundry machine that eats people up is gonna be one of the more exciting things in any year in film. 

27. Desperado

In an era of violent gunplay this didn't completely stand out to me - I responded to the humor and the clever set pieces but it got lost in the shuffle a bit. In retrospect it's so obviously Robert Rodriguez and his distinctive style (which has all but dissolved these days). 

28. Tank Girl

I initially found it obnoxious, probably because (as I said) I wanted my comic book stuff to be Burtonesque -- it turns out that I just wanted Batman stuff to be more serious. Nowadays I'd be overjoyed if Comic Book Movies were presented as being this ridiculous. 

29. Assassins

Sly and his particular brand of Action may've been on the downslope a bit, but thankfully we have the man of the hour, El Mariachi himself, to add some tension as a colorful bad guy. That & Julianne Moore as an Action Star is always unironically entertaining to me. 

30. Cruel Jaws

a.k.a Jaws 5 (though I wouldn't go spreadin' that around) this Italian Monster Movie is a Frankenstein unto itself, pulling together pieces of other movies and music scores to create one nearly-cohesive collage of terror in the water. I'd say it's two whole letter grades better than Jaws 3-D. 

It's time to let old things die

Hello. Yeah, it's been a while. Not much, how 'bout you? Have you stayed strong in the face of social discord or are you letting the bastards get you down? More importantly, is my cordiality transparent enough to set the tone of my tirade? Without rushing things I don't think it's too early to say it's been a long year that also seemed to go by too fast - but clearly nothing is good enough for people like me. We're always busy populating this site with the stuff we love and why we love it, because that's our general approach to life and what it has to offer... but along that journey there are distractions and aggravations and lamentations and any schlub with advice to spare will tell you that it's healthy to talk about those things. I would never burden or bore you with the battles of my own personal life - this blog is largely a land of Pop Culture. And Boy Howdy! there are some battles to be fought in that land! So pull up an ice block and lend an ear because there's been some awful developments in the world of Art & Entertainment and I don't want you to think I haven't noticed. 

Save for a new PTA or QT movie, I don't feel any excitement when I go to the theater anymore. Some would blame my age, I blame the mediocrity of the movies - but that's a separate argument. Point is, as usual, I was entirely lukewarm on the idea of seeing Joker: Folie à Deux; while I liked the first one as much as the people who liked it, I disliked it as much as the people who didn't. At the end of the day it's the only comic book character I truly like as portrayed by one of my favorite working actors, and from that angle it melded harmoniously enough to recommend. So I found myself in a theater watching the sequel, not because I sought it out, but because, like everything, it was just the next thing. And what I found was exactly how everyone describes it - that is, to say, the people who actually have the tools to describe it beyond a single four-letter word. And while most people's observations were accurate, that is not to say I digested it in the same way as them. 

Look I'm not gonna review the goddamn thing, I'm as sick of it as you are - but I will say that the fact that we're all sick of it is a problem in and of itself. Personally I can't think of any recent movies that generated this volume of discussion - the only problem was that the "discussion" was an avalanche of lowbrow toxicity and aimless frustration saturated in grammatical errors. One of the items on my very concise and coherent list of complaints I had about the 2019 film is how causally it would insult the intelligence of its audience. And then, in the purest and most maddening example of irony imaginable, the Sequel attempted some very mild abstractions and it went largely over the audience's head. Little to no surprise in a year that gave us the most generous helping of fan service to date. That's not based on some vague barometer - to my understanding, Marvel released a movie about Marvel movies. Conversely, Todd Phillips released a movie that grown men thought would turn them gay if they watched it. As much as people crave competition, there really wasn't one - not in this case. 

I thought Joker 2 was considerably better than the first one, but it was still just a B/B+. That's why I haven't gone on some aggressive defense jag in its honor; it's pretty good but not enough for me to go out ridin' fences. And that's where we're at: as Film Criticism was once as much of a valued art form as Film itself, the new adjacent form entertainment is audience reaction. There's always been published "audience polls" and such for as long as I've paid attention, but now we have all these shared public forums where brains of all sizes can flesh out the reasons for their trivial point systems. But even still it comes down to the numbers; a lengthy essay (or even a girthy paragraph) is no match for a cluster of stars or a drawing of a tomato. And these services are put in place for a reason: just as the snobs need validation from IndieWire and Sight and Sound to inform their preferences, the "real fans" need their voices to be heard, free of all that pretentious academia put forward by critics. "If critics don't like it, that probably means it's good." And therein lies the root of that great moronic divide that's always haunting me and that I'm always complaining about: the senseless belief that there's a difference between "good" movies and "entertaining" movies. And naturally, professional critics know what's "good", amirite folks?

I've watched many of you abandon social media as a whole, and while I'm sad to lose your company in the vacuum of cyberspace, I commend your discipline; the greatest tragedy we've come to realize is that communication on a global scale is apparently bad for our health. Oh well. Masochist that I am I still rattle around these URLs just so I can read it over and over again...

I lie awake in bed staring into the darkness, pitying these poor souls who're convinced there's an illusive list of criteria that only the greatest Cinema can possess. And then I, an accredited scholar of Film and Film Studies, find myself struggling to calculate what these unique attributes could possibly be. Every once in a while I'll still muster the energy to engage with these commoners to find out if they have any ideas as to what makes a quality picture, and the common response is simply a list of the duties performed on a basic film production. 

Indeed, movies do have these things - so much so that they've gone as far as to categorize them for award shows and the like. But there it is: films with "good editing, good writing, good cinematography, and good acting" are, by definition, objectively good. Seems so simple it's as though it was fabricated by the mental midgets who actually believe it; I'm no culinary expert but I can tell you food tastes better when the ingredients are really good. I'm also not a scientist but I believe matter is at its strongest when it contains elements. Point is, the film bros are adamant about that figmental weather gauge that's been calibrated by the uppity critics and out-of-touch filmmakers who they admire and respect - until they have a difference of opinion regarding the state of Modern Cinema. 

Quentin recently came under fire for his daring observation that there are simply too many remakes nowadays. That's right, the moviegoing public unanimously vilified a genuine Film Expert for expressing an interest in risk and originality; as if to say "no, we want more remakes". Coppola, Gilliam, Cronenberg, Villeneuve, Nolan, Ridley Scott, and Alejandro González Iñárritu have all joined Scorsese in publicly disparaging the Comic Book scene, and while the general response is "ok boomer, you don't know what good cinema is", the bootlickers don't have the resolve (or the cognitive dissonance) to defend these foul franchises; it's a wasteland of guilty pleasures, and when the fans are forced to confront that guilt, they lash out with the very ugliness that gives the World Wide Web its reputation. To agree with these giants of filmmaking (regardless of whenever their prime was) would be admitting to your own poor taste, but when we assert that "art has the potential to be objectively good and correct", to whom do we look to set the dial? And I have to assume that this idea of "correct" and "well-crafted" Cinema is gaining so much traction because of the ongoing decline in quality - but that statement in and of itself reveals my own subjectivity. I guess what I'm really pushing for is a truer and more nuanced appreciation from my peers; for people to have the bravery and ability to articulate their own feelings, rather than just being like "let someone else do it". If for no better reason than I'd personally like a better understanding as to why they keep droving out for this dreck. 

I've always remained publicly sensitive about people's love for a lotta these big franchise films - particularly the Comic Book Movies. My polite excuse has repeatedly been "I've not seen many of them so I can't judge either way", but I should think everyone's been perfectly able to see through my bullshit: I've got a pretty strong understanding of how studio marketing and movie trailers and posters work, and if they're doing their jobs adequately then I'm obviously not seeing these films on purpose. And I say it time and time again - I don't care that they're "Comic Book Movies"; I've seen protagonists and antagonists and explosions before so this isn't some entirely new genre that's too intelligent or innovative to grasp (or too dumb or disorienting to dismiss). But this sort of passionless platform of unrelatable characters and expository dialogue and pushbutton animation and an obnoxious preoccupation with continuity and cameos and mythology is never gonna be appealing to me -- and those are just the superficial elements; some years ago I was in a situation where there was a TV nearby with a Captain America movie playing on mute, and just watching the cutting and compositions of basic dialogue scenes and the transitions between them didn't feel too dissimilar to the countless student films I saw in school. Put differently, even when I disregard how vapid the content is, it's presented in a laughably amateurish way - and it's frustrating because I think even the fans know this to be true. 

My son recently said something along the lines of "I only wanna see movies I like with characters I know." While that 6-year-old mentality may be publicly prevalent, it takes the honesty of a child to say it out loud. My plan was to go to my grave having never watched Beetlejuice 2, but once he found out about its existence and release it would've been extremely petty of me to prevent him from seeing it. Miraculously, the movie made me feel as though I was a child again - specifically when I got an overwhelming urge to lie down in the aisle of the movie theater out of immense boredom. What a puerile miscarriage of a movie, but the otherwise agreeable audience reception was a loud indicator that microwaved leftovers will always be preferable to trying new things. Fans of Zack Snyder will tell you that one of his strengths is that his adaptations are "comic book accurate", as if to say he dares not deviate into anything too intensely original. It doesn't matter how godawful the STAR WARS prequels were, they'll remain superior to the Disney Sequels because they never colored outside the lines. And so I don't scratch my head in bewilderment when whatever remaining theaters that are left are filled with video game graphics and ramshackle nostalgia; You get what you fucking deserve! 

We were only a few years into the new millennium when it had occurred to me that it'd been a long time since I'd seen a truly original movie - like, roughly since the beginning of the 2000s; big or small, Indie or Hollywood, the heavy rotation of life-changing Cinema had seemed to come to a halt. That was it? 18 years old and I'd completely lost touch with what was new and exciting? I'd like to say it was a slump, but here we are, and there doesn't seem to be any Enlightenment or Renaissance creeping up on us any time soon, and it all coincides with that Y2K changeover. And it's not hard to understand why...

This century began with a sorta "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse": STAR WARS, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and Spider-Man. You could argue there were more, or implicate others, or defend these because you liked them, but it is undeniable that they've cast an everlasting shadow from under which we will not escape for a long time; nearly 25 years of pronounced cultural stagnation and it is in no doubt due largely to the success of these four conglomerates of Fantasy and Action that captured the hearts and minds of audiences and producers alike. Nearly all media has attempted to match the model created by these four installments and the only new measures we've seen is some lateral expansion: nothing new, just more of this. The urge to binge multiplied by the advent of streaming; radio serials updated for lower standards and shorter attention spans. TikTok and all that. In an age where we spend $400 million on shaky special effects and turn on subtitles just for fun, visuals and writing seem to be weaker than ever. The storytelling angle has become the singular focus, and the central theme of these stories are all the same: "Here's stuff you remember from before, and be sure to stick around for more." They've become a goddamn bingo card; a system of checks and balances to ensure absolute satisfaction with no loose ends. It's become STAR WARS Prequels x 1000. In 2023, Fangoria Editor-in-chief Phil Nobile Jr. observed the following: 

Of course he's able to melt down my entire complaint into a single paragraph - and it so eloquently explains why a moviegoing public can't cope with a shirtless Kylo Ren or a singing Joker -- "this absolutely does not fall in line with what I'm used to!" With this kind of dogmatic approach to art - to anything - how could there ever be progress? Here, I'll make an objective observation: 20th Century Cinema was better. Everyone goddamn knows it, otherwise they wouldn't keep tryna remake the shit every two bastard weeks. Danny DeVito once said something to the effect of "Hollywood will keep trying until they get it wrong." Can't really say it's their fault - the public fights originality in every possible form; for better or worse we got a wholly original Barbie doll movie and the common reaction was "Welp, Hollywood has officially run outta idea." 

People don't just form their opinions based on the consensus, they hijack it entirely; we know what all the good and bad movies are because those areas have been drilled, and the emergence of social media keeps us up to date on the new stuff. I used to love riding on the bandwagon and sharing the excitement and adoration of The New Big Thing but I didn't come to make friends - my connection to the movie came first, and if it didn't happen for me then that was my cross to bear. It's difficult to share a conflicting point of view nowadays without fear of coming across as attention-seeking or problematic, so the leading lesson I'm preaching is this: dare to feel what you feel without bending to unanimity or licking boot, and make sure you have the vocabulary and the valor to back it up -- because they'll come for you.

- Paul