Airplane, Car, Gun, Girl, Bomb

The Passion of the Stuff

Attention all law-abiding citizens and complacent illegals:

It has come to my attention, and the attention of my superiors, that the very fabric of our society is currently at the whim of a population of bleeding hearts and fanatics. These are the leftover radicals and agitators from a century of boogie fever and Lego mania. These poor souls can be identified by what they like (on Facebook) and by their T-shirts. They claim to be crazy for you and are consistently cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Most of these offenders congregate through social media, but they're also capable of operating independently of group settings. They're in our schools and our drugstores. They're disguised as red blood cells in the veins of our community, but in actuality, they are the poison. And the poison is their disease, which, in turn, is our disease.

Some of these individuals can be identified as the following:
Comic Book Geeks, Neat Freaks, Health Nuts, TV Junkies, Food Addicts, Shopaholics, Grammar/Punctuation Nazis, Liberal Fascists 

They lack a love and respect for: protecting their families and homes with the use of semiautomatic force, the sacrifice of our service men and women, the rights of the unborn, and Christ. They feel too strongly for cultural nuance and change, and have no faith in His will. They're unaware of the many numbing agents our commonwealth has provided in lieu of "caring" and "concern":
25 by Adele, The Big Bang Theory (the hit CBS television show, not the "theory"), Hollywood scandals, The Royal family, American Sniper, carpool karaoke, memes, This Is Us, "Live, Laugh, Love" signs, Minions

These and many, many other consolation mechanisms provide the stimulating boredom required to maintain a flaccid, obedient existence. With these tools, you can also combat all contradictory trends through various acts of subversive persuasion:
Buying large wine glasses, binging Netflix (and chilling), snapchat filtering, going to work, going on vacation, cutting out gluten, avoiding sugar, ingesting laundry soap, demanding fair wages, #adulting AF

Never forget: simply following, liking, sharing, and typing "yes" to these trends is not nearly enough to conserve the beige banality of our McExistence. It is your civic obligation to treat others the way you think they should be treated based on a predetermined set of criteria ascribed by those whom you think are morally superior to you. Recoil at rationality. Berate the brave. Persecute the passionate.
Or, do nothing, because who cares? Caring is for bleeding hearts and fanatics.




2018 Edition

This is an asylum of collaboration between p&j.
No button is pushed or color shaded without implied verbal consent between the two initials.
It will continue to be so until they take it away or the toilet stops running.

It's all come full circle, and the circle closed in our lifetime; we've devolved from the apes. We've become incredible watchers and and passionate feelers - nothing more. We rely on celebrity hashtags to make a difference, which work as well as bumper stickers did 40 years ago. We hope to bring about change with the help of the people who fucked it up in the first place. There is an ocean between 'half-assed' and 'extreme.' People are turned off by both. So, most everyone bobs around comfortably in the water, horrified by the idea of either shore. And there's no current - it's ghoulishly stagnant. And so, while we all float down here, we'll devise our laws and write our history.

  • Stick to long-lasting ideals, not fashionable mania. Our principles are not malleable. If they were they'd be something else: moods, or whatever passes for religion in western culture.

  • A change of heart is not indicative of any major shift in beliefs - whatever path we take is always informed by that great big bastard of a devil on our shoulder. It is he who actually gives a fuck, not us. At any rate, our intentions stay the same.

  • There's no more room left in this culture for hunting.

  • Everything on the internet is absolute truth. It is absolute, because we revert to nothing else. We revert to nothing else, because there is nothing else.

  • Everything on the internet is a fabrication, and because there is nothing else, we must now appreciate and hold in the highest regard all words and pictures with which we are presented. And we must also do our part to continue the deceit, and expel as much rage and joy as one can muster to make it better than it was.

  • Acquire everything on the internet, digest it, and pass it through your lower intestines. It may or may not come out the same, but it was fun, wasn't it?

  • Dumb everything down. It's good exercise for you, and it prevents any defects in communication.

  • Lying is simple minded. Honesty requires intelligence.

  • The quality of candy, soft drinks, artificial butter, and salt have remained stubbornly consistent. In light of these observations, we will continue to go to the movies - despite the laughable decline in the quality of the motion pictures themselves - solely for the snacks.

  • Youtube is a landfill mostly full of diapers and dead house pets.

  • As we assimilate, the need for subcultures intensifies. Once 'all lives matter,' there will be no one left to point the finger at. Then the real madness begins.

  • It is the responsibility of every citizen to participate in -- and whenever appropriate, compound -- the ever growing division of the human race as a whole. Never instigate, but for Christ's sake, perpetuate. Immediately react to all news of any event with extreme, irrational emotions. Don't learn too much about any situation - that may elicit empathy, which could alleviate the distance. Only read headlines, never the full story - but only the headlines of institutions you respect.

  • Diversify your hotdog toppings every 11 years.

  • Facebook is an impressionistic bar graph with no scales or labels.

  • Prepare pasta according to package directions. Add hot cooked pasta and chicken to tomato mixture; toss gently to coat. Season with salt & pepper to taste. Transfer to a serving platter, and top with basil, but not cilantro, because it sucks.


Dancing Without the Stars

Faceless on a windowpane
chicken on the soup
Crackers on the cellophane
noodles in the coop

No charge for cash back
no penalty for sin
No cure for Big Mac Attack
No sleep till Brooklyn

Forces of nature in the front yard
100 things you never knew
Nighttime skies are mooned and starred
roses are red, violet, and blue

An innocent face full of tired and sound
inches of makeup pervert this game
A tower of excuses rises from the ground
roses are read by no other name

Artificial strawberry & grape flavored toys
rockets to the moon & Merriam Avenue
A well full of wishes & a beer can full of noise
a reflection of poor judgement and a bad attitude

Hypoallergenic water-based pleasure
twisted intense warming sensation
Popcorn and licorice, measure for measure
out of step & out of time in a self-proclaimed rhythm nation

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