Hungry For A Simpler Time

Alphabet soup, stapled together and still deep undercover. Riddled with whiskey and gurgling movie quotes, it was high time the three of them took off. Maraschino cherries were all that was left, and foreclosure on the campsite left little to the libido. Cans of water and sliding down the nylons couldn't be further from the truth - chicks with dicks and all that jazz. Twice cooked pork was the farthest from your mind. Puzzle pieces and playing cards were not the worst I could do, but by no means were they the best, either. Painstaking scrutiny was dispensed by shorter people, kings for a day again in Margaritaville, but not really. Folks, these were the days when a gigolo like Spiro Agnew could descend into the darkness and still keep a piece of the cake for his kids. Truly, that was happiness. All the main characters were paralyzed, and I'm not listening. Cross my broken heart, no one's doing it right anymore. The churches have been liberated and the ovens are set on "clean." Coffee is put on ice and contains no peanuts. Is this the exposure a young coed deserves? If there weren't any more books, who would pay that bill? Point is, people and other things shouldn't be having that. What's become of all this dark hair we've seen? To put it lightly, chicken skin is too delicious to be determined. A shaved field mouse is still just that. And, not to be relevant, but even the nights are better. Erectile disillusionment is something to be pampered, not hampered. And with that, and the chicken skin thing, you start to see just where they're coming from, and where they're going: driving stick up the highway to hell with no real critique of all this hoopla.

Quick Ones

• Ang Lee is Angelina Jolie with the middle cut out
• Surprisingly, most of your problems are because of Winn-Dixie
• It's not believable that Young MC's best friend would be named Harry
• People care more about baby cows than baby chickens
• Fuck Little Debbie
• No longer do people describe a potential incident by saying, "That was a close shave!"
• Thursdays don't work for me
• Stuff happens on a show, while other stuff happens in a movie
• People who TiVo "Dancing With the Stars" also think Geico commercials are "witty."
• "Same Old Song and Dance" is Aerosmith's autobiography
• To be fair, they must now be referred to as The Wachowski Siblings
• Why is the word "recital" exclusive to children?
• "The Misbehavors" is the best thing Robert Rodriguez has done, and will ever do.
• "Buena Vista" is Spanish for "Disney"
• Did B.D. Wong and the rest of the Jurassic Park personnel get off the island? Nevermind the power outtages and the dinosaurs - no boat or plane could've made it through the typhoon.
• Crushed ice is not all it's cracked up to be
• The "Play" button and the "Pause" button have been combined to save time and money
• It's okay that it's not butter
• After midnight, only a few are going to let it all hang down
• Police doubt fire was accidental. Popular belief is that it was because of Winn-Dixie

Conversation Starters

"Would you know an ingrown hair if you saw one?"

"I own every DVD version of Army of Darkness."

"That President Obama is as phony as the Holocaust."

"I lost a bunch of toes in the shower this morning."

"Montell Jordan is the only true artist of our generation."

"Here's what really happened on September 11th..."

"I was the very first member of Oprah's Book Club."

"There's a TGIF just minutes from my house."

"Let me give you a list of all the famous people who have taken drugs."

"You're not still eating gluten, are you?"

"There are two teenagers buried under my front porch."

"Here's what really happened on Lost..."

"There's this movie coming out that I haven't seen yet that is gonna be so good..."

"Why do there have to be two Koreas? Or Vietnams for that matter?"

"Man, I hope no one asks me about my suicide attempt. I just hate that kind of attention, you know?"

"Are you one of those people who gets really attached after having sex with someone?"

"List your favorite Madea movies in order."

"Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?"

"You know, this is actually the year that the Mayans predicted the world will end."

"Here's what really happened in Uncle Buck..."

Pronoun Trouble

   Firstly, primarily starting with in the beginning. No more, no less. Less is more, the more the merrier. On the contrary, in any event, at any rate, in any case, consider the alternatives. An eye for an eye, fun is fun, right is right, two wrongs don't make a right. Take a right, make a left, take an eye out. Take a meeting, make a friend, take a hike, make amends. Furthermore, that being said however, additionally up to and including the whole kit and kaboodle, everything but the kitchen sink.
   Slow down, not so fast, hold your horses, take it easy, pace yourself. Needless to say, without any hesitation, without further delay, keeping in mind one thing leads to another. Having stated that, without further ado, go with the flow, kick back and relax, take a load off, wet your whistle, go out on a date, take in a movie, dance the night away, get down with your bad self. Possibly, of course, unanimously all inclusive, no exceptions. Mother, may I? May I have this dance? Supposedly, incidentally without incident, no problem. Probably not, for Christ's sake.
   Oh, my word, heavens to Betsy! Be that as it may, so be it, baby. To little or no avail, for all intents and purposes, stay the course, don't take your eyes off the road, keep your eye on the ball, keep your eyes peeled. Nevertheless, nonetheless, nothing so glamorous, all that glitters is gold. You can't take it with you, you can't win 'em all, you can't always get what you want. You can lead a horse to water, you can do anything you set your mind to, you can set your watch to, keep the faith, be all you can be. Albeit, although alternatively for the record, in your own words, shed some light on the issue.
   To sum it up, in conclusion, let's wrap this up - cut to the chase without making a fuss. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. You can't have it both ways, but you can't make him drink. In other words, ta-ta for now. Good night, and good luck.

Fifty Grades of Shay

Anxious to keep it sexy, we decided to objectify 25 smoldering celebrities by placing them into 2 respective lists. Traditionally, these could be debated amongst peers in a barroom setting. But this is the internet, and everything on the internet is true. Deal.

Paul's List

1. Heather Graham
2. Lea Thompson
3. Beth Ditto
4. Dolly Parton
5. Ann Margaret
6. Nicki Minaj
7. Ann Hathaway
8. Cate Blanchett
9. Meg White
10. Anna Nicole Smith
11. Britney Spears
12. Sarah Silverman
13. Linda Carter
14. Robin Tunney
15. Adrienne Barbeau
16. Judy Greer
17. Kate Moss
18. Erika Eliniak
19.Michelle Rodriguez
20. Melissa McCarthy
21. Chloe Sevigny
22. Jennifer Tilly
23. Linda Ronstadt
24. Tilda Swinton
25. Cassandra Peterson

Jessica's List

1. Anna Paquin
2. Paul Thomas Anderson
3. Jimmy Fallon
4. Woody Allen
5. Winona Ryder
6. P.J. Soles
7. Madonna
8. Gary Oldman
9. Tom Waits
10. Debbie Harry
11. Keith Moon
12. Ewan Mcgregor
13. Lauren Graham
14. David Bowie
15. Bridget Fonda
16. Matthew Broderick
17. Guienevere Turner
18. Ryan Gosling
19. Asia Argento
20. Michelle Williams
21. Jennifer Jason Leigh
22. Bill Murray
23. Isla Fisher
24. Griffen Dunne
25. Larry David 

Outside, It's America

PRO
Bikini Car Wash
Chicken Bacon Ranch
Creature Double Feature
All You Can Eat
Three Day Weekend
Barely There Underwear
Buy One Get Two Free
Intense Action Violence
Time Life Music
Free Prize Inside
Naughty Local Girls
Choice of Sides
Killer Karate Blows
Trick or Treat
Large Extra Cheese
New and Improved
Open Toed Shoes
Big Beautiful Women
Miller Boyett Productions
Real Fruit Power

CON
Vacation Bible School
Transvaginal Mesh Failure
Skin Tag Removal
One Hour Delay
Leonard Maltin's Picks
Post Nasal Drip
Minimum Amount Due
Positive For Pregnancy
Wear and Tear
Pretrial Officer
Ingrown Toenail
May Contain Feces
Severe Financial Audit
Advanced Tooth Decay
Receding Hairline
Check Engine Light
Erectile Dysfunction
Open on Christmas
Formatted For TV
Edited for Content
 

Illustrated Albums

Bon Jovi - Slippery When Wet

1. Let It Rock
2. You Give Love a Bad Name
3. Livin' On A Prayer
4. Social Disease
5. Wanted Dead Or Alive
6. Raise Your Hands
7. Without Love
8. I'd Die For You
9. Never Say Goodbye
10. Wild In the Streets

Bleach and Tonic Ambush

Bad Timing : When Music in Film Goes Wrong

The use of published music in mainstream cinema has been a divisive instrument since the days of 2001 and Easy Rider. It can be a powerful tool, and make for some awesomely memorable (or memorably awesome) moments. One could even argue that there are some films that have nothing else to offer but an expert use of music.
  But the horrible truth is, yes, sometimes it can be lazy. Sometimes it can be inept, obvious, and/or just wrong. And it's never the fault of the song - the songs themselves are generally fine; sometimes they're great. This is just a study in oil and water - calling attention to flubs in mood, theme timing, editing, and universal human emotion. Here's ten examples from each of us.

1. The Departed, "Gimme Shelter"
  It was between this and Flight. The latter somehow seems more forgivable, maybe it's because it's easier to believe that Zemeckis can be kind of a dope sometimes. But I can't really make any excuse for ol' Marty Pills, and I don't think he can either. Whether he'd heard it recently from a car in New York traffic, or he just considers it to be his trademark, the biggest gaffe is how it's used twice in the film, both in very clumsy, un-Scorsese-like ways; much like a spoof of his films in the caliber of the Date/Epic/Disaster Movie people. Yes, that bad.

2. American Gangster, "Across 110th Street
   Much like my Flight complaint, I thought, "Has Ridley Scott seen any films or heard any music in the past 30 years?" Quentin Tarantino has famously said something along the lines of, "Once a song is used in a  movie, it can never be used in another." Ironically, much of the Jackie Brown soundtrack and score is lifted from other movies.But it's less ironic that he has excuses for his choices, because he's a filmmaker with a philosophy. Ridley doesn't strike me as a director with a philosophy, so when he uses this song over a sequence of Harlem residents "shootin that dope," it's possible he doesn't take Jackie Brown or the film of the song's namesake into account, and just made a laughably obvious choice. Because God knows there were no other soul/funk/R+B songs to choose from in the 1970s...

3. The Wedding Singer, "Everyday I write the Book"
   In a movie full of inept song usage, it's hard to pick just one. Furthermore, picking on an Adam Sandler comedy is like picking on the smaller, weaker kid - it's just unfair. But, you know when they're just askin' for it, then it's fun to be the bully. Though, that may be unfair. Nevermind that this is from the director of The Waterboy - this crime is committed in even the most "prestigious" of films: underuse of songs. Which, in its own way, is still misuse. If you wanna use a snippet in a music montage of many songs (like Scorsese at his best) then that's one acceptable thing. Otherwise, if you paid for the song, use it! At least two choruses if you can, because when you use a song, it's all about the song (especially when the movie itself is weaker than the music).

4. Rock Star, "Once in a Lifetime"
   I haven't seen this whole movie - it seemed generally upsetting. But that's alright; I needn't see the entire film to know that, if nothing else, the use of Talking Heads in a hair band/glam metal story is wrong wrong wrong. It also showcased how Jennifer Aniston is, unsurprisingly, incapable of doing the Nicholson/Cuckoo's Nest/facial study thing.

5. Argo, "Sultans of Swing"
   This is like The Wedding Singer thing - if you buy a song, use it.

6. Zoolander, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"
   For me, Ben Stiller has two sides:kind of okay, and sucking real bad. All of Zoolander is like that personal embarrassment you feel when you watch a comic die onstage. But the embarrassment turns to anger when it becomes personal. Apart from being particularly unfunny, the "Wake Me Up" sequence uses a song I like just to make fun of it. A song that, in the hands of someone with a bit more talent, could be much more effective and notable.

7. The Devil's Rejects, "Fooled Around and Fell In Love"
   Just another example of, "Eh, already heard it in these other movies."

8. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, "Sweet Home Alabama"
   Obviously I refer to the 2003 remake, not the original 1974 version. The 1974 version wouldn't need a 1974 song about Alabama to signify that it was the 1970s. And in Texas.

9. Batman, Soundtrack by Prince
   On their own, the songs are fine. Prince is fine. And between 1985 and 1995, Tim Burton was great at nothing if not creating his own world - a world different, separate, and distant from our own. Perhaps not even one, but several. Many. And for some reason, in the dark, gothic Gotham world of Batman, the only music that exists is Prince (?) It's just that it doesn't fit the way Tom Jones fits in Edward Scissorhands. It's dated (in the bad, wrong way). Whether Tim was for it or against it doesn't make it better or worse. It just is, and we have to live and deal with it, and single-handedly gives the Nolan franchise a leg up.

10. Dirty Dancing, "Hungry Eyes"
   I like the song. I'm indifferent towards the movie. The problem, as bitchy as it sounds, lies within the timliness of it. Not that I disapprove of contemporary pop in period pieces as a generality or a gimmick. It's the fact that, a song that sounds so much like 1987 is used as source music, on a radio, in a movie that takes place in 1960-whatever. That's why I don't mind the "Time of My Life" song in the movie all that much, because Bill Medley's voice better recalls and connects to that era. Eric Carmen, not so much.

-Paul

1. Last Days, "Venus in Furs"
   Most of my anger at the use of this song comes from jealousy. It's repeated and completely contrived use has wiped it off the table to ever be used in cinema again. For shame.

2. Son of Sam, "Fernando"
   If you've ever seen Son of Sam, then you know what I'm talking about when I say that the opening scene with the use of this song is absolutely enthralling. Then you gotta sit through three hours of confused plot and poor acting. This song use is the worst set-up in film history.

3. Watchmen, "Hallelujah"
    This song is one of the most inspired and melodic songs in the history of music. It more than irks me that they used this as a fucking punchline.

4. Almost Famous, "Tiny Dancer"
   I'm desperately trying to focus on how completely inane and embarrassing this scene is and not mention that upon first viewing of this movie in the theater, and as this scene occurs, my personal life changed for the worst for nearly a decade. I've since sold my copy of the dvd, and even though I am one of the biggest Elton John fans, every time I hear it played, I literally get physically ill.

5. Elizabethtown, "My Father's Gun"
   I'm purposely following a Cameron Crowe picture with a Cameron Crowe picture to make a larger point. Mr. Soundtrack really doesn't know shit about song usage. This scene is supposed to invoke tears but really makes you laugh out loud.

6. In America, "Desperado"
   In America could be its own negative review. Instead, I'd just like to point out how uncomfortable you're made to feel while watching this child actress prance around on stage singing the fucking Eagles.

7. Stepmom, "Ain't no Mountain High"
   There is nothing silly or endearing about a family torn apart by divorce and terminal cancer.

8. Addams Family Values, "Addams Family Whoomp"
  Tag Team's back again with another wet fart to end an otherwise underrated comedy.

9. Practical Magic, "Coconut"
   The only reason I watched this movie as a teen was the hope of seeing some Kidman boobies. This scene, in which she dances in her jammies, is as close as you get. Instead of making you wet, it really makes your vagina crawl up inside yourself and feel shame for her and you.

10. Mrs. Doubtfire, "Dude Looks Like A Lady"
   Is it just me or is it just a tad too pointed to use this song in a movie about an insane Tranny father. Maybe, like with Stepmom, Chris Columbus was trying to make light of a very real and frightening situation.

-Babes

Pop/Corn

Bette Davis Thighs

BENNETT PLACE: SECTION FIFTY SEVEN

CINETEXT -- part eighteen