3.11.2024

EASTER TREATS!


We need more of this wretched season like we need holes in our hands. And so as we wind down our One Bad Winter (in a series of many) we see but a soft-hued rainbow on the horizon made of potassium sorbate and confectioner's glaze. This is our second installment in this potential series and should perhaps become a regular thing as the Peeps and PAAS continue to show no mercy and fear no evil; every year there appears to be new creations without sacrificing my constant favorites. That's the world Jesus wanted for us, and I'm here to spread His Word. 

- Paul 


Kool-Aid Jelly Beans

I hit jelly beans pretty hard in my 30s and several teeth later I'm pretty jelly beaned out. But these featured the Kool-Aid Man on the package and like some dipshit millennial I took the bait, because childhood. Unsurprisingly they taste like generic fruit flavored jelly beans, but my qualm is that the flavors listed on the back of the bag are also specifically nonspecific: cherry, grape, orange, tropical punch, and kiwi strawberry. Absolutely unacceptable. This is Kool-Aid, bro; if the flavors aren't "Purplesaurus Rex" and "Sharkleberry Fin" and "Great Bludini" then you're goddamn doing it wrong. 


Lindt Neapolitan Truffles

Never really met a Lindt I didn't like, but they mean business: I can eat one or two and I'm good for a few months/a year. Their richness is on par with doing shots of movie theater butter, and somehow this particular recipe manages to sling an even deadlier wallop: chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry together, just like the ice cream. And I'm here to tell you it tastes exactly like the ice cream. 


Dr. Pepper Peeps

I'll continue to seize every opportunity to discuss Peeps - even if I'm just repeating myself: they're gorgeous little playthings but as a food (or even a marshmallow) they're miserable failures. So perhaps some facsimile of a cola could just be crazy enough to make them interesting, or at least tolerable. And they managed to do a tiny bit of both; the smell of Dr. Pepper upon opening the package was an achievement unto itself, and the gritty texture of these maroon chicks stood in for carbonation. But still I'd take an actual marshmallow (or soda) over these freaks.


Reese's Pieces Eggs

These are just business as usual, nothing new or weird, but as the Son of God as my witness I buy these every Easter Season - not because I can't get Reese's Pieces anytime I want (because I'm a grownup) but at no other time are they available in Pieces of this enormity. And yeah, size matters - very much in the sense that it's just that much more peanut butter, which makes a huge difference, especially when you mix these into ice cream (which I typically do). And while I'm a lifelong fan of the original orange/yellow/brown color scheme, these soft pastels play so nicely in a bowl of vanilla. 


Claussen Pickle Flavor Jelly Beans

The flavor so unappetizing they wrote it twice. Gross novelty jelly beans have been around a lot longer than they really needed to be - like, we get it, very cute haha. Apparently some folks eat them unironically and make it their personality, as I'm sure that's the case with these, but I won't be having that. Though even from an objective approach I gotta say these don't work: while they come in a mercifully small 4 oz. bag, the immediacy of "try one for fun" is over and then that's it: you're left with a bag of shit. And it really is shit; the strong scent of pickles immediately escapes an opened bag, but even if that's what your sick palette is into, it doesn't match the flavor of what can be best described as sweetened dill - not like sweet, like bread & butter pickles, but like sour pickles with added sugar. I hate sour, and hell, I'd prefer these were sour, just for continuity sake. I assume these were meant to symbolize Christ's agony on the cross. 

3.09.2024

NO PARTICULAR ORDER : Quentin Movie Songs


PAUL
"Stagolee" Pacific Gas & Electric - Death Proof
"MalagueƱa salerosa" Chingon - Kill Bill vol.2
"Freedom" Anthony Hamilton and Elayna Boynton - Django Unchained
"Surf Rider" The Lively Ones - Pulp Fiction
"Across 100th Street" Bobby Womack - Jackie Brown
"The Lonely Shepherd" James Last & Gheorghe Zamfir - Kill Bill vol.1
"I Got a Name" Jim Croce - Django Unchained
"Now You're All Alone" David Hess - The Hateful 8
"Baby It's You" Smith - Death Proof
"Miserlou" Dick Dale & His Del-Tones - Pulp Fiction

BABES
"Hold Tight" Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich - Death Proof
"Cat People (Putting Out the Fire)" David Bowie - Inglourious Basterds
"A Silhouette of Doom" Ennio Morricone - Kill Bill vol.2
"Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon" Urge Overkill - Pulp Fiction
"Strawberry Letter #23" The Brothers Johnson - Jackie Brown
"About Her" Malcolm McLaren - Kill Bill vol.2
"Django" Rocky Roberts & Luis Bacalov - Django Unchained
"California Dreamin'" Jose Feliciano - Once Upon a Time... In Hollywood
"Chick Habit" April March - Death Proof
"Down in Mexico" The Coasters - Death Proof
 


3.04.2024

TOYS ARE US : This Is War!

Barbie has been continuously (sometimes aggressively) the leader of feminine preadolescent playthings. The once and forever Queen. The Matriarchy. And what of the boys? What masculine piece of plastic wears that crown? Easy answer is G.I. Joe, but with only two prominent peaks in its popularity (with one Vietnam War in between) it felt outdated by the 90s, and by that time the adult fashion & makeup fascination of Barbie had regressed deeper into rainbows and sparkles and maternal schmaltz. So on the manly side of that coin, boy toys had to get tougher, meaner, more confrontational; the mud and the blood and the root beer. Fake guns and other weaponry had been all but banned by the end of the 1980s so we had to get our violence by some other means, and toymakers managed to turn every animal, vegetable, and mineral into trained warriors and reckless maniacs. Me, I just liked collecting palm-sized pieces of art and these punk rock sculptures fit the bill in a way that is unmatched, before or since. From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Savage Mondo Blitzers, the tone was widespread and the toy lines were countless. Here are 6 that wreaked havoc on the shelves. 

- Paul


Food Fighters
Mattel, 1988

I was made for lovin' these, baby. When I was very little I adored the Fisher Price plastic food assortment (particularly the fried egg); had it been socially acceptable I would've displayed them like trophies into my teen years. Fortunately you give 'em a gun and a grimace and presto: testosterone unlocked. These were some of the truest works of art from my generation - there were ten figures depicting the likes of a stack of pancakes, a hot dog, a chocolate chip cookie and every other mainstream junk food and they had names like Private Pizza and Taco Terror and they were sculpted and painted with delicious precision. 


Army Ants
Hasbro, 1987

These were so small that it took a keen eye to appreciate them, but that was part of their charm. There were two sets (or squadrons) of colors: a rich royal blue and a neon orange and both were eye-catching, but each had its own pose and weapon and facial features (which always resembled "The Puckmaren" from Flight of The Navigator) that were just distinctive enough to give credence to the collecting side of them. And again, they were without moving parts, so they could be trusted to stay in formation. 


Barnyard Commandos
Playmates, 1989

Playmates Toys was in the business of angry animals; right alongside Ninja Turtles they released this line of Swine vs. Sheep as some kinda mutant militia. Even more like The Turtles they gave these toys their own cartoon, as well as a whole set from the Burger King Kids Club - they pushed these on us hard but were otherwise too bland to catch on; the colors weren't particularly vibrant but they also lacked the immediately identifiable personality of The Turtles. Still they looked nice. 


The Original Battle Trolls
Hasbro, 1992

Nothing subtle going on here; just some cute plastic dolls from the Peace & Love Generation repurposed into monsters and madmen. I don't know if regular trolls were meant to be aimed at girls, but they definitely put these out there for anyone who wanted to play with naked woodland beings with rainbow hair but felt insecure or uncomfortable. No longer was that an issue: there were dozens of these in the guise of ninjas, pirates, vampires, werewolves, and even some Terminator and Mad Max homages. Their clothes weren't removable but they clearly had big meaty male genitals. 


Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa
Hasbro, 1992

To the best of my knowledge the TV show came first, but I'm sure it was greenlit to sell shit. Yet another TMNT knockoff that prevailed and failed in the blink of an eye - so much so that even though the figures were manufactured by Hasbro, they plainly lifted the size and shape from the Playmates Turtles line. That way, I suppose all your figures could interact in a more believable way. Whatever corpse of a CEO gave the go-ahead on these wasn't aware that it was the 1990s and cowboys were out - ninjas were in. But still, the figures looked like Ninja Turtles toys at their craziest. 


Attack Pack
Hot Wheels, 1992

Here's an example of pushing it to the limit: Monster Trucks, but like actual Monster Trucks. These were cars (y'know, for boys) with jaws and teeth on the front end that could give any Transformer a run for its gas money and get the Josh Baskin seal of approval. It was so gender specific that it was available as a Happy Meal option up against none other than Barbie herself. Gender politics aside, this is a toy that would make one helluva film adaptation. 

3.01.2024

STATIC SHOTS

What do these five movies have in common?






2.24.2024

NAME THAT MOVIE!

Well it's February and we're running out of holidays and anniversaries and alcohol and the will to go on. So in lieu of that (or because of, or in spite of) let's do some mind-numbing, spirit-crushing gameshows. Check the last set to witness Jacob's lightning-speed bullseye to boost your confidence in this round and let the healing begin. 




EASY





FAIR





DIFFICULT






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