STATIC SHOTS

There Ought to be (more) Clowns!

Here I am to pay tribute to even more marginalized mimes and pranksters from Pop Culture that hold a place in my heart. Pretty quickly after compiling the first list I thought of a bunch more examples of these candy-colored crusaders that excite and inspire me - because these are really the only kindsa things I think about. (Don't be surprised if this isn't the last list.) Honk! Honk! 

- Paul

Marie and Michelle

Requiem For a Vampire

The film opens with these two young ladies, dressed as clowns, being pursued in a car chase/shootout. We're never really made aware as to who is chasing them or why, or why they're dressed as clowns, but everything considered amounts to what is maybe the greatest movie opening of all time - or at least one that seems to've been custom-made for me. 

Jangles the Clown

Inside Out

He's meant to be scary -- actually he's a manifestation of deep, dark fears (and coincidentally shares a scene with Bill Hader). But he obviously doesn't come across as too terrifying in this PG Pixar movie (I guess he'd count as a "mild thematic element"), and instead has an otherwise lovable dopiness about him that feels more like the foil from older Disney films; he very much gives the same mood as the giant from 1947's Mickey and the Beanstalk.

Sticky the Clown

Married... With Children

Hired by Peg as a surprise for Bud's 18th Birthday party, Sticky is a former TV Clown who's just been paroled from prison as part of a work release program. His props include a flask of hard liquor and a hunting knife. Other than that, the only thing we know about him is that we shouldn't confuse him with a clown who given a damn. 

Sex-Head and Death-Head

31

The World of Rob Zombie leaves us no shortage of clowns, but I feel compelled to pay homage to this natural born killer couple who seem to love each other as much as they love stabbing people. Obviously my big draw here is E. G. Daily in clown drag, but I wanna give extra recognition to Torsten Voges who's made a career out of weaponizing his German accent to comic crescendos, from Lords of Salem to Seinfeld to Big Lebowski ("I fuck you!").

Buttons the Clown

The Greatest Show on Earth

Two important elements that haven't come up very much on my lists are The Circus, and "The Tragic Clown", and this movie has both of those covered. Despite his otherwise recognizable physicality, Jimmy Stewart is completely disguised in the role (until he speaks of course). Really the main draw is the fashion: the raggedy button-down and fedora combo of his off duty wardrobe feels like an overlap of Silver Age Joker and the Heath Ledger version.

Johnny Clay

The Killing

Let's face it: "clowns as gangsters" is undeniably cool. But the wonderful contrast here is that there's nothing bubbly or jovial or clownish about Sterling Hayden in general, and if anything he's even more stern and grumbly once he puts on the mask. But again, this one's all about style for me: the whole ensemble with the gloves and the gun and the almost expressionless mask is a Halloween costume goal. Or just to wear around the house or to Target or wherever. 

David Bowie

"Ashes to Ashes"

I'm definitely of two minds on the idea of "The Music Video". On the one hand, I've found them to be the richest example of what filmmaking and the moving picture can achieve. On the other hand, I find it inconvenient that so many of them dominate the imagery in my head when I hear certain songs. Having said that, I can't hear one note of this song without picturing Bowie in his Pagliacci-inspired getup. 

Steve Mahanahan's Child Clown Outlet

Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job

I haven't addressed too many "creepy clowns" because meh. But one of the joys of this recurring sketch is its very unsettling subtext; beneath the enthusiastic veneer of business owner Steve Mahanahan is a grim darkness that certainly involves kidnapping, abuse, and probably some kinda trafficking situation. If all of that's too disturbing, they've got fudge!

Doo Doo the Clown

Billy Madison

It took me years to warm up to this movie, and when my snobbery finally lifted it was due, in part, to Doo Doo. It was during its one millionth broadcast on TV, a little over two thirds into the film when the entire cast bands together for a Busby Berkeley song & dance sequence and its sorta brilliant absurdity finally and wholly sank in on me, and its peak surrealist moment was when the barely-referenced Doo Doo the Clown sings a verse to assure the audience that he is, in fact, not dead. 

Clown Surgeon

Pee-wee's Big Adventure

Like Pee-wee rescuing the snakes from the burning pet shop, I put it off as long as I could; this movie features several spectacular clowns, to the point that I felt it was all just too obvious and easy. But I couldn't resist, and my choice goes to the scary doctor operating on Pee-wee's bike. It's most effective because it's played as a shocking reveal that he's a clown, and it's done mostly with performance (the actor's credit is a mystery) and very minimal makeup. (Again, a very easy but effective Halloween costume idea!)

Disagreements and Misunderstandings in a Public Bathroom

Take ten seconds and try to think of as many bathroom scenes in movies as you can... If you came up with less than a thousand you need to watch more films. Now try to narrow it down to scenes specifically in public restrooms... still in the hundreds no doubt. Even further still, public restroom scenes that depict some kinda human interaction - maybe on the passionate side. Point is, there are too many to list so I listed the first 10 that came to my mind. 

- Paul

True Lies

Starting off big with maybe the best bathroom brawl of all - the one where Arnold gets to use the really cool secret spy camera they foreshadowed minutes before and ends up saving him a bullet to the head. What follows is a mix of hand-to-hand combat and automatic gunfire, turning the whole set into a slow-motion slip 'n slide that looks a commercial for the greatest water park that never was. (The movie's a Fox property so there's no reason to not have "The Harry Tasker Splash Adventure" at Disney World.)

Starman

Ah the classic men's room mixup, usually involving dick jokes or gay panic (there are several examples on this short list). This whole movie is full of lines I've been quoting since I was 4, but this exchange stands out as being both funny and informative as it taught me the meanings of "take it easy" and "up yours", accompanied by the appropriate hand gestures. My son also learned these customs from this film; circle of life and all that. 

The Shining

The whole movie starts with a well crafted scene of exposition, and then halfway through we find ourselves here and we learn what's really going on. Sorta. Kubirck loves his lavatories (there are several pivotal ones just in this movie), usually as a symbol of privacy or vulnerability, with a heavy lean on the latter here as Jack is manipulated, not by one ghost, but by all the entities who've always been here. 

High Anxiety

While navigating an extremely "dramatic airport", Mel Brooks is instructed by Robert Ridgely to follow him into the men's room, where he's treated to a full frontal trench coat peepshow and some classic bad taste Ridgely humor. It's notable that whenever Robert Ridgely's playing it straight he's consistently believable - almost suspensefully so here, to Hitchcockian heights. 

Halloween

Love it, hate it, or mostly meh on it, Michael's acquisition of his "Michael Myers costume" is RZ's remake seems to be the most memorable moment for all -- due almost entirely to Ken Foree's sassy-but-menacing delivery of every single line. "I'm Joe Grizzly, bitch!"

Innerspace

Throughout the movie, Martin Short speaks out loud to the miniaturized Dennis Quaid inside his body, causing much confusion to those around him. One such instance occurs at the urinal, causing Joe Dante regular Kenneth Tobey to impart his wisdom: "Play with it, pal, but don't talk to it." That sentiment confused me when I was 5, and even still I don't think I've fully grasped its value. 

Crocodile Dundee II

Mick Dundee threatens Stephen Root's manhood with his unquestionably large knife to get information regarding this movie's sorta tedious drug lord plot. It's hard to appreciate in hindsight but any appearance of the iconic knife in the sequel was the equivalent of seeing lightsabers in The Phantom Menace. You had to be there. 

Quick Change

More toilet shenanigans that supposedly hint at male homosexuality - or perhaps something insidious, I was never really sure. Bill Murray and Randy Quaid remain unseen in the bathroom stall as Bill removes stacks of stolen cash duct taped to Randy's body, resulting in a lotta tearing and groaning sounds and causing the other remaining patron to recoil in horror and exclaim, "You people can keep this city!" This guy must've been imagining something along the lines of Cenobite role-play. 

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Raoul Duke spills LSD on his red woolen shirt, and hippie Flea proceeds to suck it off. No big deal -- except some straight-laced square (who's attending a Jefferson Airplane performance at a psychedelic night club for some reason) catches them in the act, ruining his life "forever". Honestly, my biggest takeaway from this moment is the decades-long desire to match Johnny's exact fit of stripes and plaid. 

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Nothing too subtle going on here. The sounds of struggle emanate from Austin's bathroom stall as he fends off an assailant, leaving cowboy Tom Arnold confused, then concerned, then impressed (this is the first time I'd ever heard of the concept of a "courtesy flush" but I've held onto it). Two things I believe but can't be sure of: Mike Myers named a character "Number 2" just to use it as a punchline for this scene. And you can't make a bathroom movie list without at least two Tom Arnold movies. 

STATIC SHOTS

STATIC SHOTS

2003: It seems like yesterday, but it was long ago

We needn't always be a product of the culture around us; we always have the option to take the reins of our own environment. I'm just speaking from experience but I feel like there's a changeover at some point when your interests are no longer dictated by current fashions. It's when you become notably "out of touch" or "unhip" but really I think it's more about settling into your own path. The reason young people dig contemporary trends is because they're all aimed at them and they don't know any better - that's not a criticism, I ate up all the junk they fed me until I started to peek over the fence.

I was 20. I was drifting through my second year of college with a casual abandon that would ultimately wreak havoc on my conscience in harmful ways. At the beginning of the year I left home for the first time and moved in with my sister and her family while they were housesitting a split-level home on Overlook Drive - a fitting location as we still refer to it as our time at "The Overlook." I occupied the basement level which included a bedroom, living room, bathroom, and a legitimate bar. Objectively some kinda paradise for someone in my situation at the time, and I assure you the perks were not lost on me. But those perks began to betray me as I started to sacrifice sleep and academia as I found myself in some dissociative fugue state. I lost myself in an existential Rubik's Cube that was compounded by one of the most brutally crippling Winters in my memory. Everyone in the house fell victim to various (and mysterious) health afflictions as well as varying degrees of financial ruin. I'd lie awake in the darkness every night as I heard my brother-in-law venture out into dangerous temperatures and mountains of snow to deliver newspapers under the cover of darkness. It was an unspoken race to see which of us could fully transform into Jack Torrance first. The furnace was unreliable: when it did work it covered the walls and furniture in black soot, and when it didn't the blankets would gather ice crystals as I slept. I stopped taking care of myself in conventional ways and ventured into various areas of self destruction. I'd been left unattended and the toxic mixture of bizarre circumstance and freedom of choice left me in a bad place. 

I wasn't going to the movies much - I wasn't going much of anywhere, including school. I'd acquired a Korean bootleg of Eraserhead, and upon watching it for the very first time, it felt entirely like Nonfiction to me. I alternated between Zeppelin's In Through The Out Door and Joni Mitchell's Blue. My Power Songs were "Take It Easy" by The Eagles and "Against The Wind" by Bob Seger. I read On The Road. I wrote a feature length screenplay about kidnapping and divorce. I saturated myself in a dark and angsty sphere of moody media and it wasn't even intentional. (It also wasn't even March.) As the season began to show some mercy, the reality of my situation began to manifest into tangible problems with horns I could grab onto and tame. 

Apart from hitting uncomfortably close to home, Eraserhead was a truly monumental turning point for me at that time -- suddenly my career as a film student was something to be taken much more seriously. Shortly thereafter I'd gotten my hands on a VHS of Paul Thomas Anderson's Cigarettes and Coffee which only furthered my lust and ambition to create. Also it was around this time when I consciously decided to catch up on the major Horror Movie Series of my youth; through the cheapness and convenience of DVD, I consumed all of Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw, and Hellraiser in the Spring of that year. (It was entirely and joyously incidental that Freddy and Jason would square off a few months later.) The White Stripes released Elephant in April and it became a Summer soundtrack. The year started to take shape in ways that weren't entirely rooted in misery and confusion. 

I left The Overlook in July and moved back home, which felt both like a failure and a reward. A lot of permanent damage had been left in the wake of this experiment, enough to disqualify it as a learning experience, but certainly enough trauma and scar tissue to call it an experience. I realigned back into my old self (with new baggage): I went to school, I went on dates, and I went to the movies -- predictably nothing left as much of an impression on me as those first six months of this abominable year. And where is the surprise there -- we were 3 years in and I was already soured on 21st Century Cinema and finding thrills and inspiration in older oddities. For me there wasn't anything inherently 2003 about that year; I wasn't immersed in the commercialized moment the way I was when I was a kid, and I think that's the jumping off point into some kinda maturity: yes I'd chosen art to continue to nurture my spirit, but it was gonna be on my own terms. I'd stood at the bottom of the well looking up and managed to climb out with the help of pirated movies and 80s Slasher Flicks and Classic Rock - because that's what was right for me at that time. That's really how it should always work: we have centuries of culture on our shoulders and yet we scramble to consume whatever Netflix, Twitter, and The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences feeds us this week. I became a man as I accidentally looked beyond the stage and saw the horizon and god knows I wanted to break free. 

We were buried in sequels more than ever before (LOTR 3, Terminator 3, Fast and Furious 2, Matrix 2 and 3, Bad Boys 2, Final Destination 2, X-Men 2, Legally Blonde 2). Notice how low these numbers are and how that coincides with the beginning of the decade... Nauseatingly ominous. And Pirates had just set sail! Even still, we had outings from Woody, Altman, Bertolucci, Friedkin, Jane Campion, The Coens, Jan de Bont, Martin Brest, Joe Dante, John Woo, Richard Linklater, David Zucker, Ron Howard, Norman Jewison, The Farrellys, and Richard Donner. I didn't care, I still don't - I saw next to none of these tepid attempts and what I did see left me feeling unsatisfied and/or ashamed. But it worked out splendidly - it was a garbage movie year and I was too busy to get all pissed off or even care. But yes, there were a few I liked quite a bit - a couple I loved even. Nevertheless I've generously inflated my Best Of List to the numerically pleasing "20" for your skimming pleasure - a daunting task that should allow you to see me at my most masochistic. 

- Paul

1. Kill Bill Vol.1

It had been roughly 6 years since we'd heard from Quentin, and I was ignorantly underwhelmed here -- where's the introspective tone and sparkling dialogue? Stupid me it was always there in plain sight, as well as a whole lotta other brilliant stuff. Admittedly some of its weight and grandeur came into focus with the help of Vol. 2, but still, on its own, it remains to be one of the best Action flicks of this century.

2. Lost in Translation

This whole approach and mood felt so fresh at the time (at least for American films), and in a lotta ways is still is; regardless of its pace, this fast & loose spirit infused with seemingly calculated cinematography was clearly influential but rarely duplicated with such finesse (not even by Sofia).

3. Bad Santa

There was no way to market this movie in a way that accurately got the subtlety (or crudity) across. And so I stayed away for some time, eventually seeing it accidentally and realizing what we all know now. Terry Zwigoff furthered his track record of offbeat humor, but the best surprise was Billy Bob's special brand of comic timing.

4. 21 Grams

One of the first few times this decade that I was excited about a new filmmaker (and even rarer that they continued to keep up and follow through). It wasn't that it was experimental, but it was competent and precise and challenging in a way that movies (and movies like this) hadn't been in a while. 

5. Freddy vs. Jason

I can't pretend to discuss this movie objectively (or any movie for that matter). It's ugly to look at with its misplaced CGI and artificial cinematography, but in terms of story and performance and all around fan service, they got my order right and I got the toy I wanted. 

6. House of 1000 Corpses

It took nearly the past 2 decades for me to come around as much as I have on this odious opus. As a straightforward movie it's obnoxious, but as the indulgent overblown circus of overacting and exaggerated camp that it is, it works as one of the better intentional comedies of the year. 

7. The Room

Intentional Comedy? It doesn't matter, it's entirely and endlessly watchable and rewatchable, either to laugh at it, with it, or simply sit in stunned awe. And no defense or apologies - more has been written about this film than any other on this list, so there's your prestige. 

8. Master and Commander: The Far Side of The World

The best nautical swashbuckling adventure of the year - this is the one that deserved 4 or 5 sequels and it's totally telling that we were rooked. I can't think of many movies around this time that had me so aware and invested in props, costumes, and set design. 

9. Coffee and Cigarettes

I'd been aware of the shorts of which it's comprised and this was my chance to actually see them. I'm not really a Jarmusch guy but the content and the concept is certainly my speed (at least at the time) and the pace is way more manageable than usual. 

10. Finding Nemo

It took forever for me to recognize the otherwise obvious difference between Disney and Pixar -- and that Pixar films were and are exceptionally and consistently better. This one is still too juvenile for my taste but I always found the underwater animation to be entirely hypnotic. 

11. Matchstick Men

I say I'm not a fan of Ridley but I always seem to dig the Crime Drama stuff. I also really like grifting gags, but more than anything this movie just further perpetuated my love and lust for Sam Rockwell.

12. Mystic River

Lotta criminal activity in Boston around this time it seems, and it was Award and Box Office gold. In spite of that transparency I'm more than happy when Hollywood decides to champion gangsters and thugs over superheroes. And this is easily one of the better Beantown bum outs. 

13. Grand Theft Parsons

A few dollars shy of an adequate budget that would've made this movie noticeably better and more popular. Proof that Johnny Knoxville can be a straight actor no problem, and also the first time I witnessed Michael Shannon carry more than a single scene. 

14. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

I went to see this not knowing or expecting much and was very pleasantly surprised. In the sphere of Indiana Jones/Cartoon Action Adventure (which entertains me but doesn't excite me) this is about as good as it gets.

15. Elf

Will Ferrell's most likable role (and movie) and it's a tone I wished he'd revisited more often. Not that he should always play some kinda man child but so few modern Comedies are saturated in this much innocence without being totally defective.

16. A Mighty Wind

I think it's on the level that my standards with this crew were pretty high by this point - I just found the laughs to be a little sparse here. Fred Willard steals it again, Catherine and Eugene are the most likable again, and of course the music is brilliant.

17. Jeepers Creepers 2

Equal parts bigger and more intimate - good or bad that's exactly how a sequel in any genre should be handled: same tone, new rules, different structure, lots more bad guy. (And what a bad guy!)

18. Once Upon a Time in Mexico

The Army of Darkness or Beyond Thunderdome of this Action Comedy franchise is full of dumb jokes and empty ideas that connect to nothing and lead nowhere. Imagine a multiverse where the MCU were that clever or brave - we'd be drenched in Grindhouse Cinema. 

19. Hulk

"Wow, an Incredible Hulk movie, great idea!" Ok so the actual Hulk effect wasn't as cool as the old TV show I grew up with, but the story and performances and overall comic book vibe was so much more attractive to me than the Spider-Man movies at that time, and easily the coolest looking movie Hulk to date. 

20. The Cooler

It's a shame that after 80+ years the gambling genre seemed to taper off - ironically around the time of the poker boom. What I took from this is that I don't buy Alec Baldwin in serious roles, and it's still unfair how rarely I get to see Maria Bello. 

It Came From FANGORIA ep. 6

Babes's TOP 20 HORROR MOVIE CRUSHES

   Everyone is attractive. And horror movie actors(tresses) are no exception to this rule. Sometimes they can even elevate or distract me from a horrible feature. I'll even forget, and remember the movie fondly only to revisit it later, and be reminded that it was only those perfect breasts that kept me engaged. At heart, I'm still just a horny teenager. And my lizard brain is overactive with big eyes for all of those Hollywood cutouts. Same as you. 

- Babes

Kenny

Ernest Scared Stupid

I have always loved the Ernest movies because Jim Varney is a funny motherfucker. It should come as no surprise that his spooky-themed one is the nearest and dearest to my heart. And this little boy, with his very early nineties haircut, blue flannel shirt, and super pouty lips stole my heart. He was one of my earliest pretend boyfriends. And I deeply fantasized. 

Brian Stevenson

Little Monsters

I was always a Winnie Cooper kid. But then I saw this underrated masterpiece and Fred was my new prince. What tips the scales is definitely when he dons the leather vest at the end. Super hunk.

Richie Tozier

IT

Everyone was adorable in this. But little nerdy, glasses-adorning Seth Green was the very best. And a fetish was born. 

Lucy Westenra

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Watching Lucy writhe around, groping and touching her half naked self in the rain, did things to me on a chemical and physical level that I cannot even describe. 

Tatum Riley

Scream

I pretended I liked this movie so that I could see it three more times in the theater, and buy a VHS copy, just so I could ogle this goddess some more. 

Terri

Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth

These movies are not scary, but more so completely disgusting. They for real churn my stomach, and I have to be in the right mood to allow that queasiness. As for this sequel, it takes this very special kind of hottie to distract me from my upchuck feeling, and turn me on. 

Donnie Darko

Donnie Darko 

This was a new release blind rental. Apart from being blown away by its originality and amazing soundtrack/score, I was getting all the feels from the handsome doe-eyed lead actor. And I knew that he was going places. Boy was I right. 

Seth Brundle

The Fly

Jeff just oozes sexuality as much as he does literal goo. 

Carole

Repulsion 

To those of you who need to know this, it's not the crazy ones that you need to be wary of, they're bound to be the most adventurous in the ways you want them to be, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. And she is so goddamn pretty that it hurts. 

Herman Salvadore

The Lords of Salem

Honestly, in certain light, this guy looks like my sexy husband. So that helps. And he's cool as fuck. I should know, I've met him.

Jay Height

It Follows

This film photographs her unusual beauty well, highlighting her gigantic eyes, and making her skin look delicious. 

Hedy Carlson

Single White Female

How do you make her look hotter? Try making her try to look like Bridget Fonda? Winner winner chicken dinner.

Allie Jones

Single White Female

She has always been list-worthy, but this look reigns with that adorable red pixie cut.

Slack

Land of the Dead

Her dark and brooding look caught my attention in this otherwise bag of shit that I had to sit through in the theater. And upon further investigation, she's weird, which makes her even better.

Shaun

Shaun of the Dead

Fewer films have made me laugh harder than this one. And humor is seductive as hell. 

Sarah Roberts

The Hunger

She never makes any scream queen lists, but why not? She's was more alluring than anyone else on them! Especially with blood dripping down her face and body.

Kate Beringer

Gremlins

While I agree with Paul - while this is the worst wardrobe in the history of film, it doesn't take away from all that is her. 

Crawford Tillinghast

From Beyond

Skittish, bookish nerd, in librarian-esque sweater is provocative to me the way naked is to others.

Ginger and Brigitte Fitzgerald

Ginger Snaps

This film was described to me as a "lesbian werewolf movie". While it's not, I can still pretend, and I very much like to...

Sukie Ridgemont 

The Witches of Eastwick

It's worth noting that her character is extremely fertile, and has many children, which means she really likes fucking. And sluts rock.