THE INVISIBLE MAN - You Are Seen

Even by the 1960s, the concept of "Universal Monsters" was already a niche of nostalgia for older folks, which meant that a whole new wave of pop culture properties would befall the youth of yesteryear: model kits, Halloween costumes, paperbacks & magazines, The Munsters, etc. You could say it even carried over into the 70s when Count Chocula and the gang appeared on the scene, but as the mood changed with the times (especially in Cinema), what was once spooky quickly became hokey. Clearly these cursed souls who haunted atmospheric woods and cobwebby castles held no weight when placed against a maniac with a chainsaw pirouetting across a Texas highway, or a prepubescent girl abusing herself with a crucifix. And then obviously by 1980s Horror standards, these black & white baddies became more like kitschy curiosities that were to be mocked by syndicated Horror Hosts.

As a kid, I dressed as Dracula for 2 nonconsecutive Halloweens. I knew Young Frankenstein by heart. An American Werewolf in London was a staple of my local commercial and independent TV stations. I had a brief but lusty affair with The Monster Squad. In the 80s, the Classic Monsters probably played a bigger part in my life than the popular Slashers of the moment, and I'm sure a lotta that actually had to do with the Halloween holiday itself; even today, nearly all of the season's candy and decor and general aesthetic is tied to these old-fashioned characters. And then, beginning in 1991, the Universal Monsters would embark on their biggest decade to date - and it began with junk food.

This was during a time when the General Mills Monster Cereals were in stores all year round, and when you combine that with trick-or-treating, it's safe to say several generations associated this gang of zombies and mutants with snacks. Then, during the Halloween season of '91, Pepsi and Doritos crossed the streams to bring us their "Monster Match" promotion: a game distributed through specially marked packages of their products that gave us a chance to win cash & prizes. I was 8 so I didn't care about the details, I was just excited to see these cool monsters all over my TV and grocery store. And cool they were: PepsiCo and Frito-Lay had the coveted Universal license to depict these creatures with their original likenesses of Bela, Boris, Elsa, and Lon, which I can attest played a huge part in the overall vibe. These food companies used the monsters as mascots for several years to come, but it was the following year, in 1992, when the biggest revival commenced. 

If you've been here before then you've probably read my ramblings about the obsession I had with Bram Stoker's Dracula - not as much as with the movie itself, but the ghoulishly slick ad campaign that seduced me into believing that nothing had ever been this cool or scary. More than anything, I think the revelation that something that had been kinda antiquated and campy could be reinvented into something modern and stylish; Dracula had always been cool to me, but now I was confronted with the concept that he could be legitimately frightening. I don't remember the commercials or the merchandise for Mary Shelley's Frankenstein or Wolf (both in 1994) going quite as hard, but by that point I was already reading all about them in Fangoria Magazines for several years in the early 90s. The Universal Monsters (which were now technically The Columbia/TriStar Monsters) became much more important to me than the juvenile fare that was Batman or the Ninja Turtles. But within the whirlwind of this Horror hoopla in which I became immersed, I was too bloodthirsty to notice that there had already been a fourth addition to this Mount Rushmore of revamped icons, and it was conveniently something I was already into.

John Carpenter's Memoirs of an Invisible Man came out in February of 1992 - nine months before the release of Coppola's Dracula movie. I didn't see it until it came out on video, but that still probably would've been before the Dracula promotions started filling my head. But that didn't matter because intellectually I wouldn't have made any connection between a Chevy Chase FX Comedy and Count Dracula; even if I'd had the wherewithal (I didn't) to categorize them both as Classic Monsters, I still only considered Chevy to be an invisible man, not The Invisible Man. And it definitely took some distance for these semantics to sorta die down and allow me to realize that, yeah, they really did reboot the Universal rogues' gallery for my generation; I'm also inclined to include 1989's Phantom of the Opera and Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame in '96 to the list, just as much as I include Helena Bonham Carter's character arc in Frankenstein as an adequate revival of Bride of Frankenstein. I don't think this is me just making some casual Pop Culture observations with these loose ties - I can categorically say that these monsters were hot in the 90s. Vampires obviously reigned supreme, but all the other name brand baddies were constantly showing up in advertising and toys and fashion and Young Adult Fiction. All but one who, for the most part, typically went largely unseen.

The Invisible Man was only ever peripherally part of the Pepsi party in the 90s, but they did logically elect him as the mascot for Crystal Pepsi during the '92 Halloween season (and rightly goddamn so!). But apart from being transparent, there's probably a greater analogy between The Invisible Man and Crystal Pepsi - both a fleeting novelty that rarely gets included at the popular kids' table. The character's borderline rejection didn't bother me much when I was getting way into these creatures - clearly the popular ones were way cooler anyway, with more color and personality and backstory. And scarier - what's The Invisible Man gonna do, drop your drawers for everyone to see? Of course I'm speaking objectively - while I didn't actively protest his general absence from the culture, I always did take notice whenever he did pop up in the conversation, and most of that had to do with his look. 

No, he didn't look like the other monsters. Technically he didn't look like anything, which I'm sure is a big reason why he's often left out of the group; his greatest and most recognizable attribute is one that's can't really be depicted tangibly - it's like portraying a vampire without its fangs, or a werewolf when he's just a regular guy. But it's The Invisible Man's disguise, often portrayed as a bandage around the head and a pair of sunglasses, that's not only a noticeable trademark, but also a way cooler fit that his competition. What's he up against: a pompous cape, and ill-fitting blazer, some torn jeans, and a nightgown. The Mummy don't wear shades and The Phantom of the Opera can't even commit to a whole mask. So if we're just talking fashion, Invisible Man prevails. And why not -- when he's fully rocking the entire ensemble, it's the aesthetic midpoint between Mac Tonight and The Blank from Dick Tracy, the two biggest fashion icons of my youth. (And probably adulthood I guess.)

Same as how all of my knowledge of Jesus came from Last Temptation of Christ, for the longest time the only Invisible Man I knew was Chevy Chase as Nick Halloway. And honestly, that was enough for me to elevate the character to the rank of almost favorite; even though there's nothing "monstrous" about him and the premise is miles away from the H. G. Wells story, Memoirs of an Invisible Man was one of those PG-13 movies that was always on HBO all the time, which meant I watched it all the time, and only ever with pure joy. It wasn't until I was much older that I learned that most people don't really care for the film, which really accentuates a benefit of youth (and of not really having friends): I never knew what was "lame" or what was I supposed to dislike - I only ever fell completely for the stuff that made me happy without much outside influence. I think I've maintained that integrity to this day, and I point that out to illustrate that I was never trying to be different or impress anyone when I finally made the conscious decision that The Invisible Man is my favorite of the Universal Monsters.

It's difficult and kinda tedious to "make a case" for increased recognition of a fictitious character - especially one whose identity and origins seem to constantly change. But that malleability is one of the reasons I love the character; hero, villain, or just normal person, that obnoxious anchor of "mythology" hasn't weighed it down over the decades. I didn't see the original 1933 Invisible Man with Claude Rains until that "Universal Classic Monsters" collection was released on DVD back in 2014, but that movie (along with all the sequels and spinoffs that were included) is certainly what solidified the persona in my top spot. The blissful unevenness in this "franchise" is one of its most captivating features -- it didn't take long for Frankenstein to run outta things to do, but the otherwise transferable superpower of invisibility is able to drive any story of any character: you could be a sassy department store model like Virginia Bruce in The Invisible Woman, or you could be a dickhead scientist like Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man. Kinda like vampirism or lycanthropy, we don't always need a defined "Headliner" in the role. 

Having said all that, the popular Claude Rains depiction that typically appears next to Drac and the rest is the version I champion when I'm defining my favorite of the lineup. Some might argue that he was never really a "monster" or that the material is more Science Fiction than Horror, and this is one of the rare situations where I can't be bothered to form a well crafted argument against these linguistics. Besides, you could argue that none of these characters are "monsters" and that they're all misunderstood products of their environment etc. etc. Which does bring up a good point of defense: Invisible Man is the only one of these fiends that I'd like to be - if only by process of elimination: I don't wanna drink blood, I don't wanna be a reanimated corpse, I don't ever wanna go through a werewolf transformation, and I don't wanna live in a swamp. I'm more inclined to chill in the study with Gloria Stuart and some brown liquor so I can yap about my enemies. Oh, and wear a smoking jacket, because in the end, it really is all about the fashion.

- Paul

I SAW IT ON TAPE - Nosferatu

The VHS era was wonderful for a lotta reasons. For one, it did its best to make the entirety of Cinema that much more readily available to the public. It was also an artistic medium unto itself, creating an entire market of content made specifically for (and sometimes on) videotape. But in terms of "Film Preservation", at least from a consumer's point of view, it was pretty fleeting; regardless of how old or new these films were, once they were on VHS, that would likely be the worst they were ever gonna look and sound. And since Laserdisc didn't seem to be really taking off, this kinda felt like theses movies' final destination.

That's not to say that every title from history was endlessly available at our fingertips; it was common for an entire wall of your video store to become dedicated to 40 copies of Sister Act if that was the big deal that week. But it's probably no shock to you that I had some amount of difficulty tracking down a silent film from 1922 on VHS (no matter how "revered"). But in late 1992 it was absolutely imperative that I track it down. This was during my own private Bram Stoker's Dracula mania, when I was saturating myself not just in stuff from that movie but also any and all vampiric pop culture (which seemed to be booming at the time). Most of that saturation was books and magazines, and no chapter or article would talk about vampires (or at least vampires on film) without talking about F. W. Murnau's Nosferatu. 

I'd always known about it and was certainly familiar with much of its copyright-free imagery (a lot of it was used in the Queen/David Bowie "Under Pressure" music video), but now it was at the point where I needed to actually see it, and like Abraham Van Helsing I was gonna have to hunt. And again, this was late '92/early '93, which historically meant I had at least a half dozen video stores to visit just in my home town alone. Though honestly I don't remember much from that experience, but I do remember the relief of finally finding it - in a place where I'd never thought to look for movies: The Public Library. Never mind renting a rare, ancient Monster Movie, but borrowing it for free (and for a much longer period of time before I had to return it) was the real novelty. And it came in this clinical cover labeled "Film Classics" which gave off a kinda underground/bootleg vibe before I even knew such a vibe existed. To top it off, when I watched it, the picture quality was (predictably) not great -- everything considered, it's possible this tape had been around since 1922. But like always I braved the tracking fuzz, and gleefully absorbed what was probably my first Silent Film, almost certainly my first German Expressionist Film, and definitely my first video rented from the library.

- Paul

STATIC SHOTS

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

10 Wacky Vehicles

In compiling a list of 10 Cool Cars I managed to think of a ton of not-quite-cars -- like so many that they needed to go somewhere; I've made it my job to justify the existence of such things, and so now I bring you a list of the more abstract idea that is "vehicles". Let the wackiness commence. 

- Paul

Ecto-2

The Real Ghostbusters

It made more sense than trying to navigate Manhattan traffic in a giant car when you're attempting to bust free floating apparitions. I called it a helicopter but I guess technically it's an "autogyro". This one presents a weird situation: I can't remember if I had the toy or I just remember the kids in the commercial playing with it. Either way I had a great time. 

The Cart of Death

Married... With Children

A shopping cart refurbished by Al as a means to win the Foodie's One Millionth Customer Shopping Spree. Apart from looking like Super Mario's Bullet Bill, it featured several "antipersonnel" gadgets like shooting arrows and spring-loaded boxing gloves. As much as I love things that are secretly weapons, the big draw is really the Bullet Bill comparison. 

Dracula's Coach

Bram Stoker's Dracula

For an endlessly spooky movie this just may be one of the scariest bits. Nevermind the weird ghost horses pulling you towards what is ultimately Hell on Earth, but that crumbling cliff ride is no joke. Oh and the demonic Coachman (also played by Gary Oldman) gave me a nightmare when I was 9 that I still remember. 

Trimaxion Drone Ship

Flight of the Navigator

Were this a ranked list of Coolest Spaceships, this would probably place first. As a child I was a sucker for shiny things and that attitude hasn't really waned, so while it may be able to change shape, travel through space and time, and talk like Pee-wee, I'm really just here for the sexy silver curves. 

Transport Module

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I love cozy compact conveyances - stuff that's only big enough for me and maybe a friend and some snacks. Claustrophobia doesn't kick in when there's a forward momentum - especially one strong enough to bust through the Earth's crust. 

Neptune 2000

Get a Life

In an episode of this short-lived show from the early 90s, Chris Elliot sends away for a DIY submarine called The Neptune 2000. Twenty years later it arrives in the mail, and after assembling it he and his father merely sit in it, in the bathtub, and become trapped. Even still, I find it cozy. 

The Golden Condor

The Mysterious Cities of Gold

There were three things that kept me coming back to this show: the abstract promise that there will be gold, the truly epic theme song, and this giant fucking bird/plane thing that's intimidating enough to scare away foes and allies alike. 

The Wonkavator

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

He had many concoctions and contraptions and modes of transportation (all with the prefix "Wonka") but this is the one that literally breaks away from the surrealistic dread of the factory and leaves us on the highest note. Really, though, I just wanna press that awesome-looking button. 

Queen's Flying Car

"Radio Ga Ga"

In the music video for their 1984 single, the band sorta kinda superimposes themselves into scenes from Fritz Lang's Metropolis, portions of which depict them flying over the titular city in a futuristic sports car steered with a microphone. Judging by its homemade look and how it glides I always felt as though it'd handle like a really pleasant amusement park ride. 

Arwing

Star Fox

Back in '93 the big selling point of this game was that it contained the Super FX Graphics Chip. Not really sure what that did but it certainly was a neat looking game - particularly the fighter planes flown by Fox McCloud and his crew; honestly these sleek silvery angles only ever made me think of Flight of the Navigator, so clearly I'm a slave to my preferred aesthetics. 

Are You Afraid of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones?

What's more horrific: receiving your wife's severed head in the mail, or listening to The Offspring? The 90s asked the tough questions and gave us the awful truth - and the awful music. Typically around this time of year, my home, my head, and my car is filled with the ominous and gorgeous sounds of Nico Fidenco, Fabio Frizzi, and John Carpenter. Intellectually these are the sounds of the 70s and 80s, but spiritually they're the sounds of Halloween - my Halloween. But I've embarked on great change to make this Halloween different: consciously memorable but still fun. And so more than the movies, I'm aiming to shift the music playlist, because that's where the mood comes from, and that mood - that 90s mood - is gonna best be experienced not through movie score but through pop songs. And with that, I'm able to assemble some consistent favorites but mostly explore the stuff I otherwise wouldn't have sought out. I can't promise I'll stick to this list exclusively, but they'll definitely be integrated into my usual lineup. Here's a short starter pack. 

- Paul

"Hey Bulldog" by Toad the Wet Sprocket

(featured in I Know What You Did Last Summer)

"Youth of America" by Birdbrain 

(featured in Scream)

"Love Song For a Vampire" by Annie Lennox

(featured in Bram Stoker's Dracula)

"Go to Hell" by KMFDM

(featured in Hideaway)

"Treat 'em Right" by Chubb Rock

(featured in Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare)

"Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" by Marilyn Manson

(featured in House on Haunted Hill)

"Rigors" by Digginlilies

(featured in The Blair Witch Project)

"Under the Water" by Jewel

(featured in The Craft)

"(Don't Fear) The Reaper" by The Mutton Birds

(featured in The Frighteners)

"Welcome to This World" by Primus

(featured in Brainscan)

STATIC SHOTS

WHAP! THWACK! SPLAT! Cum On Feel My COMIC BOOKS

My relationship with comic books is an emblematic reversal of the poles; I'll buy a comic if it's based on a movie, show, or some other previously published piece of pop. It was just part of the package: buy the poster, buy the soundtrack, buy the trading cards, buy the action figures, buy the video game, buy the t-shirt, buy the Happy Meal, buy the comic book. To me, Batman was a movie, Wonder Woman was a TV show, and Tank Girl was Lori Petty in a bra and shorts; these crude little pamphlets from which they derived were merely charming keepsakes to commemorate a larger, more interesting spectacle. That's just a pretentious way of me waggling my dick at ephemeral souvenirs; I wouldn't seek them out and keep them were I not to appreciate their sentimental value. I cherish any visual or reading additives to whatever I'm into at any given time (which is just an inventory of all the same stuff at all times) and through turmoil and tragedy, I've lost many comics, so I cherish even deeper. Here are nine (9) that need little explanation because, as noted, we already know what they're about. 

- Paul

James Bond Jr.

Does anyone remember this show except for me? It even had its own shitty SNES game and crude action figures, but I might be the only person who was familiar with the Son of 007 before I'd ever even heard of 007. When Goldeneye came out I thought it was a clever live action spinoff.

But it must've been popular enough: Hasbro and Nintendo aside, they don't give a Marvel Comic Book to just anyone - I don't care who their father is.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

For however much Elvira "stuff" there was at the height of her popularity, there wasn't nearly enough. Max Headroom had more merch and he wasn't nearly as cool or sexy. Knowing this, if you find anything pre-21st century, grab and squeeze with both hands. 

Even the quality of this isn't really cutting any mustard. I can pretend these crude underground sketches kinda match the spooky punk charisma she brings, but really she deserves more.

Labyrinth

You know how 2D cartoon characters look weird when they're 3 dimensional? I'm the same with the other way around - particularly Muppets; flat, illustrated Muppets look anatomically obscure to me.

My weird hangups aside, I have to say that, unlike nowadays, this movie version is infinitely more visually compelling than this comic book. Plus no songs. 

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Now here's a movie with merchandise! Amongst the bounty of treasures they released to promote this flick, there was a concurrent trading card and comic series released by Topps - and they were, in fact, tops.

Glossy pages of unique artwork that doesn't necessarily reflect the look of the film but compliments it in such a way that suggests "this is what the comic book version would look like."

True Stories of Adult Film Stars: Jeanna Fine

Firstly I adore the Carnal Comics logo - mostly because I love brand parody, but also because no one ever seems to dare to satirize Marvel. But this book is uninhibited in that way - in every way really.

This pulpy smut rag is cowritten by Jeanna as a sorta autobiography detailing her rise to fame - without the boring parts. It also offers me dozens of tattoo ideas.

The California Raisins 3D

To my absolute delight, they had a comic (sorta)! There was a very short series of these 3D adventures involving Big Burger and his fast food henchman causing chaos throughout Raisinville.

Sounds like the most spectacular piece of illustrated literature ever published - only to be balked by the banal gimmick of off center red and blue outlines. No maroon, no bueno. 

The Ren & Stimpy Show

All the 'toons of my youth (Beavis and Butt-head, Animaniacs, The Simpsons) got the comic treatment and I consumed them like fries. I always shopped for trading cards (R&S had them too) but if a familiar image graced the cover of a comic, I snatched it. And that was the thing with cartoons: these covers looked exactly how they looked. 

I don't digest comics well - they don't read fluidly to me. That added to the absence of the voice actors and writing that doesn't live up to the source material equals a lotta disappointment. 

The Joker

What's this?! The Jester of Genocide has his own comic?! I know, I'm sure sure there's been a million of them at this point (and a movie), but imagine my initial discovery of finding pages of just Joker without all the Batman/Bruce Wayne melodrama. 

The joy of this is the now-vintage illustrations that makes each page and incarnation look like officially licensed apparel from 1975. 

Little Monsters

These are precious - to me and in general. Outside of the pocket-sized novelization was this collection of six issues not-entirely-based on the original plot per se, but rather took us on further escapades with Brain and Maurice.

As a concept, it's just more Little Monsters, and in my mind that feels like a movie franchise or TV series, but apparently this is just how comic books work. Now if they'd just make movies out of 'em...