Showing posts with label Joe Dante. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joe Dante. Show all posts

4.29.2026

10 Pretty Poisons

Potions, tonics, elixirs, toxic waste - all the good stuff that did cool things and usually came in an even cooler bottle. They weren't always used for good (actually, looking them over, they all turned bad) but man they made for good Cinema. Salud!

- Paul


Formula 86
The Witches

I don't want any mouse powers, nor do I want to inflict mouse mutations on anyone else. I'm not at all interested in the mouse thing. I've only ever been here for the impossibly small glass bottle - something that cute and ornate can only ever contain something fantastical and dangerous. I want it. 


The Elixir of Life
Death Becomes Her

Here's another race where the small beautiful bottle comes out ahead. Besides, its effects are questionable at best: perky breasts & no wrinkles vs. cracking & peeling & potentially spending eternity as a severed head. 


Gleemonex
Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy

Indicative of the 1990s but also predicting the future: a pill that puts you in your happiest memory (the side effect is that it traps you there, turning you into a drooling zombie). Put this on the market today and the majority of the population would embrace it specifically for the zombification consequences. Predictably my even dumber ass just likes the pretty red pill. 


TGRI Mutagen
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

It had many iterations, backstories, and colors, but here in its own movie its appearance ranges from Creepy Crawlers goop to glow stick fluid, making everything even more aggressively 1991. (Shredder demonstrates that it can be taken orally.)


Magic Flying Dust
Santa Claus: The Movie

It's the secret ingredient that makes the reindeer fly (as well as unsuspecting children and eventually a greedy John Lithgow). It's also flammable/explosive so it's probably a bitch for digestion, but I adore it because in its purest form it's a sparkly gold sand that can only be enhanced by 1980s special effects. 


Torpedo Juice
The Master

The ingredients range from paint thinner to rocket fuel to god knows what else, and there are definitely some allusions to the nature of its taste, but it clearly has a seductive "power" with a promise of changing your mood. Or potentially killing you. 


Vegetable Medley
Gremlins 2: The New Batch

Time for my periodic push to make the Vegetable Gremlin a star. The Splice O' Life laboratory is really the key to the whole movie - it's how we got an actual variety of gremlins. While every deformity was the result of exposure to some serum or chemical, I single out the vegetable potion because a.) he's one of my favorite gremlins, and b.) I imagine it tasting like V8 (which isn't actually something I like but it has personality). 


Bio-Restorative Formula
Swamp Thing

Another green glowing goo from the pages of comics meant to turn men into monsters (for better or worse). It's basically baked into Dr. Holland's body, transforming him into Swamp Thing, while Arcane (the villain) just straight up drinks it. Results may vary.


The Lazarus Potion
Casper

Technically fuel for a machine that turns ghosts into living humans - you don't even need the body, it's all inclusive! I honestly find the set design in this movie to be really lame and fake, but this beautiful heavy duty glass bottle with the illuminated Hawaiian Punch is the best effect they offer. 


Adrenochrome
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 

I've no real experience with drugs and this movie (or book) doesn't really sell me on them. However, if the setting's right (kitsch Vegas hotel populated by anti-drug law enforcement) then I suppose I could be tempted by a little glass bottle of anything

11.05.2025

Disagreements and Misunderstandings in a Public Bathroom

Take ten seconds and try to think of as many bathroom scenes in movies as you can... If you came up with less than a thousand you need to watch more films. Now try to narrow it down to scenes specifically in public restrooms... still in the hundreds no doubt. Even further still, public restroom scenes that depict some kinda human interaction - maybe on the passionate side. Point is, there are too many to list so I listed the first 10 that came to my mind. 

- Paul


True Lies

Starting off big with maybe the best bathroom brawl of all - the one where Arnold gets to use the really cool secret spy camera they foreshadowed minutes before and ends up saving him a bullet to the head. What follows is a mix of hand-to-hand combat and automatic gunfire, turning the whole set into a slow-motion slip 'n slide that looks a commercial for the greatest water park that never was. (The movie's a Fox property so there's no reason to not have "The Harry Tasker Splash Adventure" at Disney World.)


Starman

Ah the classic men's room mixup, usually involving dick jokes or gay panic (there are several examples on this short list). This whole movie is full of lines I've been quoting since I was 4, but this exchange stands out as being both funny and informative as it taught me the meanings of "take it easy" and "up yours", accompanied by the appropriate hand gestures. My son also learned these customs from this film; circle of life and all that. 


The Shining

The whole movie starts with a well crafted scene of exposition, and then halfway through we find ourselves here and we learn what's really going on. Sorta. Kubirck loves his lavatories (there are several pivotal ones just in this movie), usually as a symbol of privacy or vulnerability, with a heavy lean on the latter here as Jack is manipulated, not by one ghost, but by all the entities who've always been here. 


High Anxiety

While navigating an extremely "dramatic airport", Mel Brooks is instructed by Robert Ridgely to follow him into the men's room, where he's treated to a full frontal trench coat peepshow and some classic bad taste Ridgely humor. It's notable that whenever Robert Ridgely's playing it straight he's consistently believable - almost suspensefully so here, to Hitchcockian heights. 


Halloween

Love it, hate it, or mostly meh on it, Michael's acquisition of his "Michael Myers costume" is RZ's remake seems to be the most memorable moment for all -- due almost entirely to Ken Foree's sassy-but-menacing delivery of every single line. "I'm Joe Grizzly, bitch!"


Innerspace

Throughout the movie, Martin Short speaks out loud to the miniaturized Dennis Quaid inside his body, causing much confusion to those around him. One such instance occurs at the urinal, causing Joe Dante regular Kenneth Tobey to impart his wisdom: "Play with it, pal, but don't talk to it." That sentiment confused me when I was 5, and even still I don't think I've fully grasped its value. 


Crocodile Dundee II

Mick Dundee threatens Stephen Root's manhood with his unquestionably large knife to get information regarding this movie's sorta tedious drug lord plot. It's hard to appreciate in hindsight but any appearance of the iconic knife in the sequel was the equivalent of seeing lightsabers in The Phantom Menace. You had to be there. 


Quick Change

More toilet shenanigans that supposedly hint at male homosexuality - or perhaps something insidious, I was never really sure. Bill Murray and Randy Quaid remain unseen in the bathroom stall as Bill removes stacks of stolen cash duct taped to Randy's body, resulting in a lotta tearing and groaning sounds and causing the other remaining patron to recoil in horror and exclaim, "You people can keep this city!" This guy must've been imagining something along the lines of Cenobite role-play. 


Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Raoul Duke spills LSD on his red woolen shirt, and hippie Flea proceeds to suck it off. No big deal -- except some straight-laced square (who's attending a Jefferson Airplane performance at a psychedelic night club for some reason) catches them in the act, ruining his life "forever". Honestly, my biggest takeaway from this moment is the decades-long desire to match Johnny's exact fit of stripes and plaid. 


Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Nothing too subtle going on here. The sounds of struggle emanate from Austin's bathroom stall as he fends off an assailant, leaving cowboy Tom Arnold confused, then concerned, then impressed (this is the first time I'd ever heard of the concept of a "courtesy flush" but I've held onto it). Two things I believe but can't be sure of: Mike Myers named a character "Number 2" just to use it as a punchline for this scene. And you can't make a bathroom movie list without at least two Tom Arnold movies. 

10.02.2024

When Food Goes Bad

Movies glamorize everything - even when they're condemning or satirizing, all that Lights, Camera, Action can throw a glitzy sheen on the most troubling circumstances, no matter how cautionary the tale. So even when they try to depict something gross (like, say, some unappetizing food) it can still look somewhat attractive to me. Except in the following instances...

You know I love movie food and sexy depictions of food and eating while watching and just generally and openly fetishistic about food porn, so when they manage to make eating look disgusting you know they're doing it well. Here's 5 particularly unsavory moments. 

- Paul


Spaghetti
Se7en

This is an easy one - no one's in the mood for pasta because they just watched Se7en, but it stands out to me personally because there actually was an occasion when I had just casually rewatched the movie and then had spaghetti shortly thereafter - like same day - and it really hit me at the wrong angle. 


Greta's guts
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

On paper (and on the VHS cover) this scene plays a whole lot scarier and grosser. I used to look at the back of the video box when I was little and see Greta's giant cheeks and thought it was just depressingly horrifying. In the movie it's played for laughs (bitch) but the sequence is forever linked to that queasiness I felt as a kid. 


Dinner of Doom
Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom

This whole movie is gross to me, and not in a fun way which is why I rank it so low in the franchise and for Spielberg, and this scene is one of the big reasons. The eyeball soup is cartoonish enough to be like whatever, but the snakes and bugs and brains bum me out more than the actual animal scenes in any Italian Cannibal movie. 


Hotdogs
Nothing But Trouble

Here's another movie I don't like - not because it's gross (even though it is) but because I think it sucks. One thing it does get kinda right is its disgusting absurdity - it's like the slimier parts of Eraserhead stretched into a feature (though these hotdogs are way more detestable than any little chickens). 


Sardines over pretzels
The 'Burbs

I'll be honest, I always thought this combination looked kinda good -- so much so that, yes, I went ahead and bought a tin of sardines and attempted the Klopek Stacker. I think what it comes down to is you gotta be at least somewhat partial to tiny fish steeped in oil to really get any enjoyment out of this hors d'oeuvre beyond its cultural reference. In other words, it's no Peanut Butter & Onion Sandwich. Zero stars. 

1.21.2024

1984: It's The Golden Country -- almost


1984 did not turn out the way George Orwell had predicted... Or did it? 

There's your tagline. Or how about simply Truth is stranger than fiction.

The world had its share of plight: war, famine, assassination. Foreign debts, homeless vets. AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz. The inaugural Police Academy movie. It was bad but it wasn't a full-blown dystopia, and not nearly as Orwellian as it's become with each passing decade. So if you were lucky enough to not be hungry or dying or taken hostage during this year, there was plenty around to entertain and enlighten. 


I was a year old so I didn't know what the hell was going on, and if I did I can't remember; probably watching Hill Street Blues and filling my diaper. But if you've kept up with this series you know that I or you or anyone can make approximations based on time and place; I'm sure that outside of working imaginary retail on a Fisher-Price cash register I maintained my steady diet of HBO, MTV, and VCR. So what does that spell: lotsa Tina Turner and Thompson Twins, Meryl Streep and Matt Dillon, Who's The Boss? and Cheers


Parents (and by "parents" I mean me) will scrutinize and compare the conditions of the environment surrounding their own kids vs. how it was way back when; not in any malicious or resentful way (though some parents do) but just as a highly invested observer - on a large sociological scope but also on the more intimate domestic level. At a glance, when my child was one year old he was surrounded by telescreens spewing misinformation and couldn't breathe the air in a public setting. He didn't know or care beyond the song & dance of his sheltered reality, and I was blessed to have that same outlook and maintain that innocent ignorance for my own first few years. And it's that very outlook that grownups still crave: we attach it to cartoons and pop songs and call it "nostalgia" and we'll sit and watch a new Ghostbusters or Beverly Hills Cop movie not for quality entertainment but to role-play the singular time in our lives when nothing was expected of us and the only evils of the world came in the form of a 100 ft. marshmallow man. 


So no, it was not like Orwell's novel; the year capped off with a buncha rich celebrities chanting "feed the world" so society as a whole wasn't physically or psychologically repressed, and I think the movies reflected that: a lotta fantasy mixed in with supernatural threats. Movies about dancing and mermaids; lots of fluffy escapism but it all had substance, and that substance was rooted more in raw originality and expert storytelling than in any political or sanctimonious subtext. Unfettered, intelligent Entertainment. For the most part. 


A year of icons! We were introduced to Axel Foley, Gizmo, Freddy Krueger, the T-800, Mr. Miyagi, Buckaroo Banzai, Boogaloo Shrimp, Booger, and Slimer. Indiana Jones took a brief Nazi break, Prince and Mozart became cinematic rock stars, and everybody cut footloose. 80s gonna 80s I guess. Even my Top 20 list of mainstream blockbusting excitement can't hold all the colorful classics of contemporary cinema. That's obviously because they're not all winners in my book, but the ones that are had the tools and had the talent to make 1984 one helluva standout year. 

- Paul



1. Ghostbusters
A pinnacle of 1980s American Cinema as well as global popular culture, and my favorite Comedy of all time. No surprises there, but I never tire of stressing its effectiveness as a Horror Movie; the 80s is forever linked to its low budget Slasher fare, but when the scary movies went big, they went hard. When this film decides to be serious it doesn't hold back and has enough shit to turn you white - it approaches the level of Poltergeist or Aliens, and unlike something like Beetlejuice only sometimes does the comedy spill over into the terror. It's that tonal imbalance that cranks the contrast in this "Dark Comedy." 

2. Starman
On the short list of movies that cause me to shed a tear - largely due to Jack Nitzsche's gut wrenching music score. But there's a lotta things that come to mind with this film. Firstly it's one of the best Food Movies of all time (sandwiches, pies, milkshakes). It's also endlessly quotable and I've been pulling lines from it since I could talk. But now in hindsight (or maybe even upon its release) it's a terrific reminder that Carpenter never had to fall back on shocks and scares to tell a story or even create a mood; even with the Science Fiction stuff aside, it's still his style and it works effectively across the board. 

3. The Bounty
You can compare it to the other film versions of this story but I don't think it matters - everything about this interpretation is exactly my speed: the music, the pace, the set design and costumes, and particularly the acting. I'll easily nominate this as Mel Gibson's best performance, but I'll take a deep breath and shut my eyes and say it's also Anthony Hopkins's best performance - both of them outacting Liam Neeson and Daniel Day-Lewis, no less. 

4. Romancing the Stone
Zemeckis's first blockbuster - and all without Spielberg's help(!) which is most surprising as it's mostly a lighter, cuter Indiana Jones. And funnier! And I think that's the biggest draw in this movie for me; I'm not impervious to the solid action sequences or the chemistry between Michael and Kathleen, but this easily works as the second best Comedy of the year. 

5. Blood Simple
As it's happened with several astounding films: after seeing Fargo I ventured back to discover (and rediscover) the rest of their filmography. Regardless (or because) of the two films' similarities I was even more taken with this extremely competent and confident freshman effort that could've appeared anywhere in their career and it would've still felt just as strong. Actual screen time be damned, I consider M. Emmett Walsh to be the lead, and we should treasure this movie just for that alone. 

6. Stop Making Sense
A Concert "Film" you say? Of which there are so few, at least many of any pertinence. It's one thing to capture a music concert with a handful of video cameras - that's an approach and it gets the job done - but to harness the energy of witnessing Rock Gods in the flesh and translate it into a tangible medium takes the finesse and enthusiasm of a band's mega fan -- i.e. Jonathan Demme + Talking Heads. It's not a Rock Opera or even a Documentary, but it feels like it has a story.

7. The NeverEnding Story
Whether it's sinking in The Swamps of Sadness or hiding in the attic of a public school, no other piece of art has ever so accurately captured the abstract wonder and terror of childhood (particularly growing up in the 1980s -- or maybe any time). That may be rooted in my own nostalgia and perhaps not everyone's kindertrauma was accompanied by a majestic Giorgio Moroder soundtrack, but every creature and event and emotion in this movie felt symbolic of trying to survive in a hostile and beautiful world. I could relate. 

8. Breakin'
All of the Dance Movies of the 1980s, even the breakdancing ones, took themselves way too seriously. Big surprise: this one does not. And that's not to minimize it in any way: it has romance, domestic strife, conflict, a villain, intentional comedy, ridiculously engrossing dance sequences, and a soundtrack that goes head-to-head with the best of the rest in this genre. It knows what's important and doesn't pretend to be anything more. 

9. The Natural
This was a time when Sports (particularly Baseball) could believably be depicted as Fantasy and I was raised on it like milk and Jesus. Baseball was very much in the air for all of my youth, but this movie really gave it the weight and grandeur of its supposed mysticism, as it's a not-too-subtle fairytale with a literal Hollywood ending. That's not to say it's ineffective; Randy Newman's music score alone is enough to make you believe that it's more than just a game (or a movie). 

10. Gremlins
Weirdly released into theaters the same day as Ghostbusters as they both epitomized the brazen genre-bending trend of "Children's Horror" that became synonymous with the time. I remember thinking it was scary, and it turns out I was right; the suspense and violence is not an accident but an intelligent and generous choice that precisely hit the mark on what kids find exciting. For me it lives in the shadow of its sequel, but of the two it's definitely more frightening. 

11. The Terminator
Speaking of wholly original films dwarfed by their follow-ups: I, like many I think, am a much bigger fan of the second one, but any time I revisit this one I'm reminded of how some of the strengths of Judgement Day were very much the backbone of the original - in particular the legitimate edge-of-your-seat tension, as well as the use of creatively gross violence that puts all the slashers to shame. 

12. Bachelor Party
One of the earliest movies I can remember - partly because it was on all the time. But even taking myself and its familiarity out of it, it still ranks Number One in its subgenre: the now-defunct Sex Comedy. It's nearly a parody of every other movie like it because of how many gags they packed into it, up to and including that very satire. 

13. A Nightmare on Elm Street
There had been supernatural villains before, but the whole stabbing method of massacre tied the entire tang of the decade together. And finally, someone with style, with motivation, with personality; nearly halfway through the 1980s but it's hard to imagine the period without Freddy. Johnny Depp's liquidation remains to be the most outrageous kill in the series, the genre, and maybe all Film.

14. Amadeus
I'll say it every time: Biopics are trash - particularly ones about celebrities (from any era). They typically just connect the dots with all the clichés and allow some anecdotes to masquerade as filmmaking. And then there's a movie like this that builds from the ground up with its own mood and interpretations and abstractions to the point that the bibliography is buried under a beautiful piece of art. 

15. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
But wait, there's more! Leave it to The Cannon Group to strike while the dance floor is hot. The first one was lighthearted, but this one is just ridiculous - that is, to say, dancing had a plot function the first time around whereas this movie is a full-blown Busby Berkeley musical that reads as a series of music videos strung together. Believe the hype. Believe in the beat. 

16. Body Double
Possibly the most DePalma that DePalma's ever been. No movie was safe from the fads and fashions of the moment, so this is easily the closest we'll ever get to 1980s Hitchcock. All derivative aspects aside, I always found Brian to be pretty silly, so this movie works extra for me as it weaponizes that silliness in a way that could only be intentional. 

17. Beverly Hills Cop
Once again, the power and potential of this eventual franchise was perfected in the second installment, making this one now feel sluggish and convoluted. Regardless, Eddie proved he could reel in the buffoonery just enough to be a Cool Action Star. And the chemistry between him and Judge Reinhold and John Ashton has become a screenwriting model at this point. 

18. Rhinestone
I will admit - assert even - that the personal appeal of this movie is its star power: I would watch Dolly Parton or Sylvester Stallone in just about anything. But put them together? Ohhh fuhgeddaboudit! On paper the story is very dumb (and so's the dialogue) but it does set them up, both of them, to sing throughout the movie. I enjoy it on levels I won't bother explaining because you won't understand. 

19. Paris, Texas
It's not a period piece, yet it's the least 1984 movie on this list. Partly because the emotions put forward are timeless, but more than that, the baffling richness of the cinematography feels like it's from some futuristic means of filmmaking. And similar to Blood Simple, it's a blessing to have someone like Harry Dean in a lead role. 

20. Rats: Night of Terror
Finally something post-apocalyptic to round out the year. I usually don't like these made-for-cheap, shot-in-abandoned-warehouses, band-of-survivors meanderings, but this one is so dark and dirty and gross that its setting is almost entirely believable. And its twist ending rivals nearly any Twilight Zone episode. 


1.02.2024

10 (actually 12) Unrecognized Universal Monsters


You remember all those cute jokes about how Mia Wallace and the Xenomorph are technically Disney Princesses? Well this ain't that. These aren't some approximations based on studio mergers or gender - this list checks off the only two boxes it needs: Are they monsters, and Do they appear in movies produced (or in most cases distributed) by Universal Pictures? Incidentally there are dozens of post-1970 characters that fit this criteria that deserve to haunt and maim amongst the ranks of Dracula, Frankenstein, et al. but here's my list of major contributors that deserve to throw their own monster parties where they all get together and hang out and eat Doritos and drink Pepsi. Or at the very least have their own commemorative postage stamps. 

- Paul


Bruce
Jaws

The easiest and most obvious choice on the list: spawned a franchise and dozens of knockoffs, based on literature, plenty of merchandise including an actual vinyl Halloween costume from Collegeville. Also effectively scary; no one stopped swimming for fear of the Creature from the Black Lagoon grabbing their ankles. 


Gunther
The Funhouse

So closely related to Frankenstein's Monster that he actually wears a Frankenstein mask - and that's when he deserves our sympathy. But then the mask comes off, revealing something more original and horrifying and dangerous. 


Conal Cochran
Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Mad Scientist, Evil Warlock, Corporate CEO, who knows. What I do know is that his bemusing demise (spoiler, sorry) was just confusing enough to allow him to come back in franchise form. 


The Bishop of Battle
Nightmares

Talk about franchising! This ghost-in-the-machine subgenre stuff was barely utilized in the home console video game market, but if it were it shoulda started here. Universal Monsters 2.0.


Darkness
Legend

This movie should've been rated X for how fucking scary Tim Curry looks - actually one of the few movie monsters to appear in my literal nightmares. I'd say that's pretty strong eligibility. 


The Klopeks
The 'Burbs

When you think about it we know absolutely nothing about this murderous family next door, and that makes me think they could've branched out away from this Abbott-and-Costello-type setup.


Max Cady
Cape Fear

Mitchum or DeNiro, take your pick; the fact that the role was reprised indicates his lasting effect and timeless scares. (If Freddy could get away with a franchise so could Max.)


Dr. Evan Rendell
Dr. Giggles

The Slasher that killed The Slasher genre. Too bad - crazy doctors are such a staple of the Universal Monster lore. And we never got to have the inevitable argument of "Dr. Giggles Part 3 isn't as good as Part 4, but it's still better than the first." 


T Rex
Jurassic Park

Strange to include 2 Spielberg and 0 Carpenter (and I have my reasons) but beyond my argument that this is a legit Horror Movie, I'd argue that she's the most memorable monster of the 1990s, regardless of studio affiliation. 


The Collector
Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight

Billy Zane is underrated (yes I'm using the word) and despite his competence in any role this one feels the most tailor-made to his showy madness. The ending implies The Collector could be anyone but Billy owns this like Karloff owns The Creature.