9 Magazine Covers From 1990

They say you can't judge a book by its cover -- but you can definitely judge a year by its magazine covers, because those are the rules I've just made up. But you don't have to take my word for it; come with me on this journey as I throw nine 35-year-old magazine covers on the scanner to create a nostalgic pastiche of yesteryear. And no, I didn't go the extra mile and scan the contents of any of these - partly because, as you may remember, I hate fuckin' scanning, but more than that I found that these covers on their own are striking and informative enough to fuel this time machine to get us back to good ol' 1990. Let's kick it!

- Paul

Nintendo Power 

At this point (Spring 1990) the Ninja Turtles had the #1 movie and the #1 Nintendo game. Neither would last, as evidenced here by the fanfare surrounding the very recent release of what would go on to be their best-selling video game and what is often hailed as simply the best video game of all time: Super Mario Bros. 3. To us youngsters this was like our North Star in the 90s - after the big tease from The Wizard at the end of '89, the star of the biggest toy of the 1980s had flown right into the next decade with the waggle of a raccoon tail. Like most of the things on this list, it defined a generation, and that generation has carried it with them to this day and is desperately trying to recreate it. 

Action Films '90

It's amazing how quickly the Turtles phenomenon got lost in the shuffle; with an immensely popular cartoon, toy line, video game, and now blockbuster movie, 1990 just had too much to offer. But through this particular lens their real competition was apparently Steven Seagal and Rutger Hauer and their respectively awesome new releases, Hard to Kill and Blind Fury (apparently Blind Fury didn't make it to the US until 7 months after its August '89 release in Germany). But the real food for thought here is the article titled "Jean Claude Van Damme, A Hero for the 90s" - I wouldn't say that exactly panned out, but it got me to thinking as to who exactly was the leading 90s Action Star. Obviously this led me down a mental rabbit hole comparing 80s and 90s Cinema, so I'll just leave you to ponder that answer for yourself. If you come up with any ideas lemme know! 

DuckTales Magazine

Scrooge and his grandnephews have been around since the 1950s but the TV show from which this magazine derives began in '87 and would eventually become a part of "The Disney Afternoon" which launched in September of 1990. Honestly that's probably around the time I started watching it - DuckTales was specifically an after-school show and always bookended some other cartoons I had no interest in. For the longest time this was the only Disney property that I truly adored, and even that was largely due to its connection to the Dickens character (and also my love of cartoon treasure). I will go on record and say Chip 'n Dale maybe possibly had the slightly better theme song. Don't put that on my tombstone. 

GoreZone

Get in the Zone! Surprisingly (or maybe predictably, I'm not sure) 1990 was a spectacular year for Horror: Jacob's Ladder, Misery, Troll 2, Texas Chainsaw 3, Demon Wind, and also the two headliners in this magazine, Tales From the Darkside: The Movie and Night of the Living Dead. Like a lotta the years that end in "0" the fashions of two decades blend into a collision of all flavors, and scary movies were always a great barometer for that. Here we were rebooting older properties and had they been in the 80s, I feel like they would've been gorier, dumber, and duller. Instead, Tales From the Darkside is perhaps the most flawless Horror Anthology film ever made, while it's no secret that I find Savini's Living Dead remake to be better than any Zombie movie Romero ever made. You don't have be on board with any of that, but what is irrefutable is that 90s Horror certainly began on time. 

Playboy

Here's another solid bridge between the two eras, featuring Miss July herself, Erika Eleniak, costar of 90s hallmark Baywatch. This magazine is always a reliable source when you're trying to revisit a specific time period - especially if you wanna know about trends in technology (Sanyo had a record player/CD changer combo for $349) or men's fashion (they tried to convince us the fedora/trench coat ensemble was coming back à la Dick Tracy). But the biggest peek into the decade ahead is an interview with Jerry Seinfeld, whose gradual rise in standup comedy fame has gotten the attention of NBC who're hoping to expand their pilot The Seinfeld Chronicles into a sitcom. Good luck, Jerry. 

Starlog

Really this is just my way at giving a standing ovation to Starlog for making the Vegetable Gremlin a star - even if it was only for a brief cycle through the newsstands. As noted here there were a handful of Science Fiction properties in 1990: Back to the Future III, Robocop 2, Quantam Leap, Star Trek Next Generation. But also mentions of Batman, Dick Tracy, and The Little Mermaid, which indicates two things: Starlog slowly but surely made it their mission to pander to the entire pantheon of geekdom regardless of genre labels, and there were some properties of pop culture that were too big to even pretend to ignore; no nerd magazine is gonna do a 1990 "Yearbook" without mentioning Tracy. 

TV Guide

Even the world's leading Television magazine had Dick Tracy front & center, along with Batman (which was 18 months old at this point) and John Wesley Shipp as The Flash from the new big budget CBS show based on the comic (it was cancelled 5 months later). To be fair this was also to push the Home Video market which even at this point was still growing in popularity. So between this stuff alongside the Ninja Turtles video release it was obvious that comic books were finally ready for the screen. The imminent Rocketeer couldn't miss! 

Modern Screen

Here's where all the TV news is hiding -- 1990 summed up in one little collage. Will the snarky Simpsons reach more viewers than the clean Cosbys? Is Arsenio bigger than Carson? Will we find out who killed Laura Palmer? Also odd to think that Uncle Buck and Ferris Bueller both had their own TV shows at this time (as well as Parenthood, followed by the Look Who's Talking spinoff Baby Talk). Tiny Toons premiered this year, along with 90210, Fresh Prince, In Living Color, and the detestable America's Funniest People which was just an even more irritating and self aware version of Funniest Videos. It lasted all the way to '94 but eventually just turned into YouTube. 

Entertainment Weekly

It's safe to say we saw a lot of Madonna that year. Even before every curve of the planet was saturated in Dick Tracy symbolism, the song (and video) of the Spring was "Vogue". Then there was this grainy black & white aesthetic that became synonymous with her Blonde Ambition tour and was also used to great effect in the "Justify My Love" video (as well as in most fashion and fragrance advertising). But really the most notable thing about this cover (and the actual contents) is the deep dive into Edward Scissorhands which only occupied the last two weeks of the year but for me it was the cultural event of 1990 -- more than Dick Tracy or Turtles or Mario; everything else faded into the background for the foreseeable future and suddenly the movie with no stickers or t-shirts or acton figures to offer became my biggest intellectual hobby. I came into this year as a child and left as a man (which surprisingly had nothing to do with Madonna). 

Summer Starter Pack 2022

I don't make plans. I don't have anticipation. I don't have expectations. I don't look forward to things, because more often than not, it leads to heartache. So I try to keep these little projects and schemes on the simpler side of the spectrum - lest they perish.

We're currently on the cusp of One Bad Summer, so we need these distractions to keep track of the time; there'll be some old stuff, some new stuff, some old new stuff, some new old stuff. It'll be our usual tabernacle of nostalgia bric-a-brac, but with our usual cabalistic flair to make it sound important. Still though, there's nothing arbitrary here: Bad or not, these are the Summer vibes we've elected, and they're all accurate and worthy of the season (because we said so and we know best). Feel free to join us if it's convenient within your plans, and check back often - as some of these are potential springboards for further evaluation. 

If you want it bad, that's how you're gonna get it.

- Paul

Mixtape Movie Marathon

Usually I'm not a fan of Double Features or Triple Features or any instance wherein more than one seemingly unrelated feature film is played in succession without adequate breathing room in between. Movies sometimes need like a day or a few to sorta sink in for me. But I've constructed one that works I think - at least for me (and for the season).

Due to some recent and upcoming video releases, fate has dealt us a winning hand of soundtrack-driven Cinema that's sure to raise one helluva music-movie marathon that's sure to occupy one junk food-saturated day (or at most a weekend). 

For the sake of consistency (and as a serving suggestion) the order should go:

The Girl Can't Help It

Licorice Pizza

Rock 'n' Roll High School

Times Square

American Graffiti 

A Little Deep Dish Action

Ok, so no amount of time ever really goes by when I'm not at least peripherally functioning on some amount of Turtle Power. But this Summer's already shaping up to be more mondo tubuloso than it's been since I was a kid - and it's mutating beyond my control. 

In a short span of time I picked up the 1990 comic book adaptation of the original movie, as well as a very prominent body art tribute. Additionally, I've finally filled in the gaps of my physical media collection with Lionsgate's Complete Series Set (in which 24 DVDs are clumsily stuffed into a 95¢ plastic box). But above and beyond all that, my son is starting to absorb this pop culture empire in a more mature and perceptive way than before, due largely to the gripping gameplay given by 1990's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. 

Through this, he's not only learning the correlation of names/bandana colors, but also the excitement of the franchise. I'm just along for the ride. 

STARLOG - The Final Frontier

I mentioned a while back that Starlog Magazine was never really my thing - mostly because Science Fiction was never really my thing. The truth is I rarely come across an issue that doesn't look appealing to me, but I pass it up due to some convoluted "principle," or I'm holding out for something better.

No more.

Flea market season is upon us, and plenty of previously owned periodicals are out there waiting for me. Those of you who follow our Instagram may've noticed that we've already begun beefing up our stockpile with great reward and no fucks given. As the hallway of Fango back issues narrows and they become harder to find, Starlog will lift the flag and carry on. 

Stranger Things 4

There will be shows, old & new. But this show earned its Summer stars with its super-seasonal third season in 2019. The series had danced around 80s nostalgia as part of its initial hook (and to explicitly establish from where it drew inspiration), but Season 3 was shamelessly uninhibited in its gimmickry, and it was that very brashness that more or less turned me into a bit of a "fan" - as it was the last time I used my Netflix subscription (though I'm sensing that may be the case for some other people).

Last season was huge on product placement - to the point that spotting old labels became the main narrative thread for me. But the way bigger deal was the actual product tie-ins: Burger King, Baskin Robbins, and most importantly, Coca-Cola, which resulted in a soda-by-mail benediction that nearly defined my 2019 Summer. 

So I guess what I'm reeeaallly looking forward to is the junk food. Doritos is a logical and welcome partnership, but this is no good. I know they can do way better than this - because they have. At this point, they should've leveled-up to collector glasses at McDs or some sorta sweepstakes for you and a guest to go on an all-expense-paid vacation to The Upside Down - because these ugly ass bags of chips ain't cuttin' it.

Camille Keaton in Italy

There's clearly plenty to watch and I won't mention it all - but this is worth mentioning.

Vinegar Syndrome released this 3-movie set in 2021 as a limited edition of "8,000 units." I don't know what the demand is but I feel fortunate for finding it at The Archive last March. 

You know I love me a boxset - especially one full of new stuff (to me), and this promises (or insinuates) some sparkling Italian scenery to match the mood. But the real draw is Camille Keaton; I'd like to be a more consistent fan, and so I look forward to enjoying material in which she's not being gang raped or receiving a forced abortion. 

This Summer is only as bad as we'll allow it to be.

It Came From STARLOG : Number 88, December 1984

It's taken me most of my life to come to terms with a very hard fact: I don't really like Science Fiction. I've subjected myself to a lot of otherwise good Cinema that left me feeling cold and dissatisfied due to some disconnect regarding the subject matter. So I've done the math and determined that the genre in its purest form is somewhat of a snooze. And so, because of this, I've hung onto only about a dozen-or-so issues of Fangoria's mothership publication: Starlog. 

Started in 1976, it was mostly a Star Trek magazine. Then Star Wars came along and suddenly there was room for all the inevitable rip-offs and homages - as well as some entirely original works of art as the categories began to blend and suddenly we had Romantic Action Melodramas involving aliens with machetes. Or whatever. The point is that the late 70s and early 80s were just as fun and crazy as they get credit for, and this and Fango were sharing a lotta the same real estate. 

This issue features articles on Dune, Dreamscape, The Terminator, 1984, 2010, and V (as well as the most heartwarming interview with Hoyt Axton), along with the predictable but provocative advertisements (most of which involved Dr. Who). 

But the real astounding things in this issue (and the reason I chose it) are the film reviews. Like Fangoria, Starlog was scrupulous when it came to disecting the mainstream megahits that decorated their covers (and ultimately sold copies). And they weren't tough on just the popular things - they weighed every element based on some very strict criteria; the subject matter is so rich with details that it demands a lot to consider. But at the same time, it's hard to determine if some of these movies were ahead of their time, or if "nostalgia glasses" are actually a thing. Or, Option C, a lotta these critics were a bit set in their ways and weren't quite ready for some of this stuff yet. (But your kids are gonna love it.)

Amongst the films they covered were Gremlins, reviewed by Robert Bloch (he liked it), Temple of Doom, reviewed by Alan Dean Foster (he did not like it), The Right Stuff, reviewed by Ben Bova (written so poorly that it's hard to say), and the notorious Ghostbusters review by Ron Goulart - the most articulate roasting since the Shubs and Zuuls found themselves in the depths of a giant Sloar. 

Everything about this damning dissertation fascinates me, and it's the main reason I've brought you here. Please, click or tap or zoom and read it for yourself, but I will point out some of the pertinent parts that gave me pause and prompted me to appreciate (and reevaluate) some important stuff.

So yes, it's come to this: some strange-ass metaverse in which I find myself writing reviews of reviews. But that brings me to my first point: in our current climate, it's a miracle to be confronted with film criticism that's articulate and modest and manages to be funny without being condescending -- and yet still a conflicting point of view. This is the kinda counterpoint I lust for in my life; I can pour my heart out on a global platform with every intention of engaging in all the serious points I've perfected over many late nights, and the best I'll get is, "Dark Knight Rises sucks ass tho." Goulart starts off by pointing out that not only is Ghostbusters a financial success, but that just about every other pro critic on the planet has recognized it as the triumph that it is. And while he sardonically feigns some moral or intellectual superiority, he makes it clear that he can't help but feel left out -- though not before he cuts into it from every angle. 

It's perfectly acceptable to go into a movie with expectations, but it is dangerous. I wasn't old enough to remember exactly how they sold Ghostbusters to audiences prior to its release, but I assume its SNL/SCTV roots were visible enough to sell it as the high-concept comedy sketch that it is. Apparently, Goulart was fully prepared for something more grounded in reality (which I've found is an excuse people use when they can't adequately articulate why they don't like something). He couldn't understand why or how Pete Venkman was so nonchalant about the mounting mass hysteria surrounding the characters, or even why someone like Dana would agree to go on a date with him. He also felt let down that these scientists never "sit down and discuss what they're up to and why they're going to try a certain approach to a certain problem." Imagine, for a moment, a long scene of scientific exposition prior to chasing a glowing green blob puppet through the halls of a hotel. Typically, before the end credits roll, one can get a sense of the entire mood of a movie -- exactly what it's supposed to be. Clearly this reviewer never tapped into the true intent of this big budget Action Comedy. 

He didn't like the film, that much is clear - not for any sensationalistic purposes, he just didn't get it: he didn't get the plot, he didn't get the characters, he didn't get the humor. A film that he did like was the 1940 Bob Hope vehicle The Ghost Breakers - a much more low-key approach to the ghost-thwarting subgenre (and a favorite from his childhood). Does this set off any alarms for anyone? Alan Dean Foster's review of Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom features a lengthy paragraph about his love of 1939's Gunga Din and how superior it is to this Speilberg sequel. Alas, it appears that Cinema of a bygone era simply can't be beat. But seriously, what's really being conveyed here? Can these two otherwise rational men not see the forest for the trees and get wise to the Big 80s? Or, are they right? This is the kinda sociological stuff I like - because in the loosest sense of the word, they are right. The same way every activist, every journalist, every critic, every blogger is right... Except when they're wrong, because we're right. It's easy to sit and watch Ghostbusters: Afterlife and say, "Nope. That ain't right." Whether we liked it or not, we have an internal barometer that informs us as to exactly what a movie is supposed to be even before we see it. (Too heavy on the irony?) My son loves Afterlife because he loves Muncher and "the baby marshmallow men" as much as he loves Slimer, Vigo, et al. And y'know, he's not wrong; he's responding to Cinema in its simplest form: he likes the light and the sound and the color and the movement. If he's aware of the dramatic shift in tone or the lazy script, he hasn't been vocal about it; he didn't walk into it with his list of comparisons on deck, knowing it would be derivative and lesser than. He digested it as the next chapter in the franchise about catching cartoon ghosts with laser guns. There's a careless freedom in simply enjoying whatever comes your way. It takes real effort to intellectualize why you think something is bad or wrong, and if somebody's willing to go through that kinda trouble, I'll give them my attention. 

- Paul