12 (mostly) Loyal Pets

This isn't a Lassie or Willard situation. There'll be no Yearlings or friends named Flicka. These creatures didn't crave the spotlight and their relevance in the dynamics to the story ranged from fleeting to peripheral. But then they had their moment they made it all about them, and so today we show our respect to these supporting players of the Animal Kingdom. 

- Paul

Max

How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

Like the Whos, Max was always on the side of good, and he was the only one to witness The Grinch's transformation. Like everything else in the 1966 animated special, the marriage of Dr. Seuss and Chuck Jones was a union forged in the starts, but the best of both worlds was most prominent in Max: he was pure Looney Tunes but without the cynicism. 

Artie

Saved by the Bell

Artie is Slater's pet chameleon. Screech and Zack babysit Artie while Slater's away for the weekend. Zack predictably kills Artie due to negligence. Because Slater had spent most of his life moving around and changing schools, Artie was the only friend he could hang onto. Perhaps his death was existentially necessary to illustrate that his Bayside friends will ultimately be his "Friends Forever". That's tough love but there was a lotta that on this show. 

Basil

A Clockwork Orange

For a young, sadistic sociopath, Alex sure had a soft spot for that snake (who clearly died under mysterious circumstances). Funny story that you've probably already heard: supposedly Kubrick got the idea to include a pet snake (which wasn't mentioned in the book) when he learned of Malcolm McDowell's phobia of them. 

Precious

The Silence of the Lambs

Real name Darla, also famously worked with John Landis, Joe Dante, and Tim Burton. But her biggest and arguably her most integral part to a plot played out here - she was used as a negotiating tactic which ultimately went nowhere, but her fate most likely involves apartment life with Catherine and her cat. 

Wildfire

Song by Michael Murphy

Here's some mellow and manipulative Adult Contemporary for you; this chart-topper from 1975 tells the story of a young lady who dies in a blizzard when she was separated from her horse, Wildfire (the horse also presumed dead). A notorious tearjerker to all the prepubescent horse girls of the mid 1970s, but as a middle-aged man in the mid 2020s I can tell you that when that chorus hits it still hits hard. 

Elvis

Miami Vice

You'd think having an alligator as a cast member would guarantee some eventual carnage, but no. Elvis knew how to act threatening but was really nothing more than a slob who was only ever one step away from sporting sunglasses and a tropical shirt. He definitely brought some lightheartedness to the vibe and was a necessary ingredient in making it the most 1980s TV that there ever was. 

Gil

What About Bob? 

I'm not sure what the symbolism was but it wasn't subtle; a "fish outta water" story maybe? At any rate a lotta emphasis is put on Gil, up to and including being a prominent part of the opening title sequence, ultimately making him the sorta mascot of the movie. 

Khartoum

The Godfather

Some symbolism is less subtle - this message was loud and clear. It's tough to determine if Jack Woltz actually cared for this horse as a pet or just as a financial asset, but I guess it doesn't matter - in either case Khartoum was doomed to pay the ultimate price. Not personal, strictly business. 

Big Al

Beverly Hills Cop II

How do you make a turtle interesting without martial arts training or pizza? Saturate it in the cool neon ambience of a Tony Scott movie. Big Al's only real function was to provide vicarious character development, so all we really learn about him is that he definitely has a sweet life surrounded by ample plant life, and that he definitely knows where his own dick is located. 

Dart

Stranger Things

The "secret pet" is such a nostalgic trope (that's obviously the point) but the twist here is that the pet does not repress its animalistic instincts to bite people's heads off. And thank god for that - the last thing this series needed was a CG slug wrestling with morality like a STAR WARS villain. 

Dicky

The Beyond

Maybe the only instance I can think of when a dog successfully chases away zombies to protect its owner. Unfortunately we're in Fulci Land so naturally Dicky decides to turn on said owner and graphically devour her. 

Tina

Napoleon Dynamite

Really I just like llamas. Like, a lot. But equally, Tina is one of the few characters in the story who isn't a complete jerk; they suggest that she's grumpy or impatient but clearly they're just projecting. 

ONE BAD SUMMER: Whatever it is, whatever it was

"The Crickets felt it was their duty to warn everybody that summertime cannot last forever. Even on the most beautiful days in the whole year - the days when summer is changing into autumn - the crickets spread the rumor of sadness and change."

- E.B. White

"You got the peaches, I got the cream.

Sweet to taste, saccharine."

- Def Leppard

Was it really that bad? We didn't court misfortune, but we could smell it on the more humid days. The trick is to not let it consume you; just pack an umbrella and some acetaminophen and go about your leisure. And that proved to be adequate; whenever the pain set in, it wasn't anything a little sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll couldn't clear up in a day. 

A handful of the grim horrors that haunted our apprehension predictably came to fruition in the chosen form and we absorbed them like The Blob and kept watching the shows and eating the snacks. And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make, and we stayed on track with chronicling all the crimes and carnality that were fit to print; we stayed true to the Starter Pack and not surprisingly we found a lot more to occupy our hearts and minds - for better or worse. 

And that's what I've got here: The Good, The Bad, and The Summer; the ins and outs of the highs and lows; the cherries and the pits, categorized in a (hopefully) comprehensible way to give you a better sense of The Beast that both gaveth and tooketh away. 

Let's start this thing off on the wrong foot...

Obi-Wan Kenobi

(That's bad...)

What a silly waste of resources. That's the thing with STAR WARS: it has endless potential and a bottomless budget, and I saw none of that on the screen. The story they came up with was an excellent foundation, they just forgot to build anything upon it. We're going to end up with a finite amount of James Earl Jones as Vader, so this kinda material deserves more finesse. (And more Vader.)

Stranger Things 4

(That's good!)

Eddie Munson. Kate Bush. Vecna. Who could've predicted these as buzzwords of the Summer of '22? See, this is what it looks like when production value is firmly rooted in compelling storytelling and there's a vivid distinction in the contrast between "fan service" and loyalty rewards. Considerably less lazy & predictable than all previous seasons, it's become an Altman-esque mosaic - structurally and thematically - of all the nostalgia it draws from, as well as its own nostalgia it has created. 

Thunder only happens when it's raining

(That's bad...)

This was a Summer Of No Rain. A literal "drought disaster." Typically I want as many sunny days as possible throughout the season, but the plant life and the ecosystem as a whole isn't really beach-body material this year - actually it's continually on fire. On a smaller scale, we haven't had a single decent thunderstorm, and I need a handful of storms to keep the fear of wind and electrocution alive in me.

The heat! My God, the heat!

(That's good!)

2022 is on its way to rank as one of the 10 hottest years on record. And as long as that's not part of a continuing trend of some pending cataclysmic doom, I feel no guilt in having enjoyed the shit out of it. I am physically, emotionally, sexually, creatively, and spiritually at my best around the 100°F mark - my zen zone is so impenetrable that I've become entirely unaffected by the wimpy whines of those who sweat when the heat is on.

Jurassic Park, Super Nintendo

(That's bad...)

My son got some video games for his 4th birthday in June - ones that were both compatible to his interests and our gaming system. Pertinent to his love of the '93 film, this was an obvious choice, and not surprisingly, it didn't immediately have the tone or excitement of the movie. I'm not really a game critic so I'm not inclined to put in the effort - we played it a coupla times and maybe it picks up at some point, but it's pretty crude for its time and subject matter. 

Animaniacs, Super Nintendo

(That's good!)

Now here's a Spielberg production we can get behind! Firstly it looks exactly like the goddamn cartoon which really helps to make the connection, but the gameplay is smooth, fast-paced, easy to understand - perfect for a child. Also like the show, it manages to slip in dozens of blatant pop culture references that fall outside the boundaries of Warner Bros. (and sister).

Bye-bye Beakman

(That's bad...)

Last Summer I discovered Beakman's World was on Tubi, so I stocked up on the Golden Grahams and consumed this entire vibe every Saturday morning for the entire season. This year I blindly bought a Family Size 18.9 oz. box of the cereal in anticipation of recreating this intermittently ongoing tradition - only to discover, predictably, that the streaming service had "dropped" the show. I've been chasing this program for decades - a channel will pick it up for a minute and then one week there'll be something else in its time slot. My assessment is that these media corporations don't want kids learning about Science; apparently Magilla Gorilla is as comfortable as they get with the evolutionary chain.

Freddy's Nightmares

(That's good!)

God doesn't close a door without opening a window - to hell! I'd seen a handful of episodes through bootlegs and other shady outlets, but thanks to Tubi, the entire 2-season run is up for grabs (and for free). Lotta newcomers got bitchy because it wasn't anything like they thought it was. Based on the few I already knew, I got what I wanted and much much more; Freddy actually is the antagonist in several episodes and it's a thrill when he is, but when he isn't, the show is a moody, meandering low-budget stream of consciousness that never manages to grasp a cohesive thread within its allotted time. And that's the other thing: they're hour-long episodes, padded out with story fragments and clumsy left turns - like an actual nightmare. The tone and production is wholly similar to the likes of Tales From the Darkside and Monsters - but those are for Autumn, and Freddy's forever my summer girl. Impeccable timing.

This, our town of Halloween

(That's bad...)

It gets worse every year. You can sense the impatience once the "Back to School" sales begin on July 1st; this obnoxious, superficial fetish for colder weather and pumpkin-whatever is clearly at the root of this retail fiasco that haunts my reverie every year. Halloween's my favorite holiday too, but Summer's my favorite season, and I sit around for nine months with my hands down my pants waiting for its fruit, and you wanna piss it away because you like spider webs - well fine, accelerate the passage of time to your liking -- you'll die an early death. Is that spooky enough for you??

MONSTER MANIA 50

(That's good!)

For the rest of us three-dimensional people, we don't need your Hallmark hoopla to bask in the best part of October: Horror Movies! (And whatever merchandise they have to offer.) Per semi-usual we braved the 5-hour drive to Cherry Hill, New Jersey to attend the best Horror Convention in the Northeastern United States to get the shit and share it with you. This is our Disney Vacation - not because we're 100% that family, we're just more readily responsive to any event that offers Point Break posters, Ted Bundy t-shirts, and bootleg DVDs of Virgin High. 

The agonizing pain in which I live every day

(That's bad...)

Financial woes. Deteriorating health. Domestic conflict. Home and automotive disrepair. The darkness of the past. The uncertainty of the future. Day jobs. Night terrors. Shower thoughts. All the stuff we leave off the table that accumulates enough to make any season "Bad." It's just that it's all so much more punctuated in the Summer - it's unfair that anything should corrupt this most sacred observance. Mood killers. Cock blocks. The blanket feels that much more wet. Save this shit for the Winter months however you can. 

Dreamworld Coca-Cola

(That's good!)

Oh, what a joy. What a blessing. Just as everyone seems to be cleaning up and putting away the pool toys, this lightning crashed down upon my fuckin' head! Considerably better than the Starlight flavor from earlier this year, it appears to be a repackaging of their finger-licking Georgia Peach formula from 2018... And what a package! These bottles & cans are putting me in the mood for hand-clapping - they're like 5 inches away from the box art for Super Mario Bros. 2. I'm also just so tickled by this idea of flavors based on abstractions; not even Kool-Aid ever came up with flavor labels this cerebral, and I commend Coke for keeping it real when we needed it most. Take that, "mystery" Mountain Dews. 

- Paul

Summer Starter Pack 2022

I don't make plans. I don't have anticipation. I don't have expectations. I don't look forward to things, because more often than not, it leads to heartache. So I try to keep these little projects and schemes on the simpler side of the spectrum - lest they perish.

We're currently on the cusp of One Bad Summer, so we need these distractions to keep track of the time; there'll be some old stuff, some new stuff, some old new stuff, some new old stuff. It'll be our usual tabernacle of nostalgia bric-a-brac, but with our usual cabalistic flair to make it sound important. Still though, there's nothing arbitrary here: Bad or not, these are the Summer vibes we've elected, and they're all accurate and worthy of the season (because we said so and we know best). Feel free to join us if it's convenient within your plans, and check back often - as some of these are potential springboards for further evaluation. 

If you want it bad, that's how you're gonna get it.

- Paul

Mixtape Movie Marathon

Usually I'm not a fan of Double Features or Triple Features or any instance wherein more than one seemingly unrelated feature film is played in succession without adequate breathing room in between. Movies sometimes need like a day or a few to sorta sink in for me. But I've constructed one that works I think - at least for me (and for the season).

Due to some recent and upcoming video releases, fate has dealt us a winning hand of soundtrack-driven Cinema that's sure to raise one helluva music-movie marathon that's sure to occupy one junk food-saturated day (or at most a weekend). 

For the sake of consistency (and as a serving suggestion) the order should go:

The Girl Can't Help It

Licorice Pizza

Rock 'n' Roll High School

Times Square

American Graffiti 

A Little Deep Dish Action

Ok, so no amount of time ever really goes by when I'm not at least peripherally functioning on some amount of Turtle Power. But this Summer's already shaping up to be more mondo tubuloso than it's been since I was a kid - and it's mutating beyond my control. 

In a short span of time I picked up the 1990 comic book adaptation of the original movie, as well as a very prominent body art tribute. Additionally, I've finally filled in the gaps of my physical media collection with Lionsgate's Complete Series Set (in which 24 DVDs are clumsily stuffed into a 95¢ plastic box). But above and beyond all that, my son is starting to absorb this pop culture empire in a more mature and perceptive way than before, due largely to the gripping gameplay given by 1990's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. 

Through this, he's not only learning the correlation of names/bandana colors, but also the excitement of the franchise. I'm just along for the ride. 

STARLOG - The Final Frontier

I mentioned a while back that Starlog Magazine was never really my thing - mostly because Science Fiction was never really my thing. The truth is I rarely come across an issue that doesn't look appealing to me, but I pass it up due to some convoluted "principle," or I'm holding out for something better.

No more.

Flea market season is upon us, and plenty of previously owned periodicals are out there waiting for me. Those of you who follow our Instagram may've noticed that we've already begun beefing up our stockpile with great reward and no fucks given. As the hallway of Fango back issues narrows and they become harder to find, Starlog will lift the flag and carry on. 

Stranger Things 4

There will be shows, old & new. But this show earned its Summer stars with its super-seasonal third season in 2019. The series had danced around 80s nostalgia as part of its initial hook (and to explicitly establish from where it drew inspiration), but Season 3 was shamelessly uninhibited in its gimmickry, and it was that very brashness that more or less turned me into a bit of a "fan" - as it was the last time I used my Netflix subscription (though I'm sensing that may be the case for some other people).

Last season was huge on product placement - to the point that spotting old labels became the main narrative thread for me. But the way bigger deal was the actual product tie-ins: Burger King, Baskin Robbins, and most importantly, Coca-Cola, which resulted in a soda-by-mail benediction that nearly defined my 2019 Summer. 

So I guess what I'm reeeaallly looking forward to is the junk food. Doritos is a logical and welcome partnership, but this is no good. I know they can do way better than this - because they have. At this point, they should've leveled-up to collector glasses at McDs or some sorta sweepstakes for you and a guest to go on an all-expense-paid vacation to The Upside Down - because these ugly ass bags of chips ain't cuttin' it.

Camille Keaton in Italy

There's clearly plenty to watch and I won't mention it all - but this is worth mentioning.

Vinegar Syndrome released this 3-movie set in 2021 as a limited edition of "8,000 units." I don't know what the demand is but I feel fortunate for finding it at The Archive last March. 

You know I love me a boxset - especially one full of new stuff (to me), and this promises (or insinuates) some sparkling Italian scenery to match the mood. But the real draw is Camille Keaton; I'd like to be a more consistent fan, and so I look forward to enjoying material in which she's not being gang raped or receiving a forced abortion. 

This Summer is only as bad as we'll allow it to be.

BENNETT INVENTORY : Top 10 SEXIEST CELEBS ALIVE (OR DEAD)!

 

 Does your celebrity crush say something about who you are? We think so. We don't know what it says, but it sounds smart. Or maybe we're just trying to apply logic to this otherwise juvenile endeavor.

We've done this before -- actually, we're kinda really doing it all the time; but this one's just in a more structured way. Besides, this is something (and we're talking to you now) that should be updated periodically; you can still carry feelings of obligatory commitment to your childhood heartthrobs, but the sad truth is that they've moved on, and you should too.

So where does that leave us?: some old favorites mixed in with some flavors-of-the-month -- just like all our lists. We've each kept it to a modest "10" - which is a much harsher challenge, because everyone's hawt. And if your Special Someone didn't make the list... good, more for us.

 

 

Paul's List

 

Este Haim

 

 

Sarah Silverman

 

 

Miley Cyrus

 

 

Kristen Schaal

 

 

Heather Graham

 

 

Anne Hathaway

 

 

Cate Blanchett

 

 

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen

 

 

Lena Dunham

 

 

Anna Nicole Smith

 

 

Jess's List

 

Bill Hader

 

 

Kathryn Hahn

 

 

Joe Bob Briggs

 

 

David Harbour

 

 

Sophia Lillis

 

 

Adam Driver

 

 

Katie Kershaw

 

 

Owen Teague

 

 

Lana Del Rey

 

 

Jeff Goldblum