Dog Day '92

The time on the cable box reads 9:37. That feels too early, I hate waking up when there's three numbers on the clock instead of four. What day is it? It's either Wednesday or Thursday. Even on vacation the weekdays all feel the same and I spend them looking forward to the weekend so I can get back to Ronny's house and keep working on A Link to the Past. The goal is to beat it by the end of summer and August is starting to give me the Sunday Night Blues. We've already rescued the Seven Sages and we have no idea how many levels are left, but between swimming in the pool and vacations in Maine and all the new Nickelodeon shows on Saturday nights, we might not get there before school starts. 

But now I'm up, and I go downstairs where Mom's in the parlor with Donahue on the TV and Teika on the couch next to her, but she's not really watching it, she's more into the TV Guide crossword at the moment so I can put on whatever I want. First place I go is channel 13 - Nickelodeon. David the Gnome is on. Man, I haven't watched this since Kindergarten, and I watched the hell out of it back then, but looking at it now it feels like such a baby show compared to Ren & Stimpy. I check WNDS because I know it's time for back-to-back Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, but it's a black & white Bewitched so I keep flipping. I go to channel 23, VH1, because there's always a good chance they're playing Queen stuff - especially since Wayne's World came out in February, and even more now that it just came out on tape. Sure enough, they're playing the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert again. It's cool, but I'd rather see old music videos and documentaries with the whole band. But I leave this on while I eat my Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and wait for George Michael to sing "Somebody to Love". That's the best part. 

It's sunny out. It's hot but it's early so there's lots of shade from the trees. There's nothing really to do outside except maybe ride my bike to Bennett Store, which I've done twice already this week so I have to find a way to ask for more money. At this rate there's no way I'm gonna get the complete set of the Batman Returns cards, but I'm still gonna try to get a pack every chance I get. I also need to replace my pouch of Big League Chew that's all melted together. Really though, the main reason I wanna go to the store is to buy more Coke in glass bottles, which is not a secret to Mom. I'm sure I've already spent close to $10 this week just on those bottles, but you have to understand, I've waited my whole life for this - an entire 9½ years wishing I could drink soda out of those beautiful, old-fashioned bottles like they do in the movies. I've been filling my empties with Coke from the plastic 2 liter in the fridge but it's obviously not the same - the excitement of prying the bottle cap, the sweat dripping down the curves, even the taste is different. Mom gets it, kinda, and she's been very generous so far but she keeps reminding me that she's not gonna give money every day for this. But I ask anyways -- actually, I ask if I can go get a ham & cheese grinder, and those are $2.25, so if she has a five dollar bill she'll most likely let me have the whole thing. Also this way she doesn't have to make me lunch. She knows this, and so she gives me a ten(!), but wants five back. I have to make this count.

I decide to walk to the store. Every time I ride my bike I feel nervous about leaving it outside and so I feel rushed. I can't rush today, I have exactly $5 to spend and I need to figure out the math (but I'm sure a couple extra quarters will be ok). It's not quite noon yet, and it takes only three minutes to walk there (two if I cut through the trees behind Bennett School) but I'm already sweating by the time I get to the store. Even the giant wooden screen door doesn't let enough fresh air into the place to be comfortable. Thankfully I'm the only customer in this tiny space but it's still humid and smells like potato salad. I walk over to the the tall deli counter and ignore the pile of wrapped sandwiches behind the glass because mine has to be specially made. "Ham and cheese grinder with just mayo. That's it!" The lady knows this, but I know if I don't ask specifically then they will mess it up - I hate picking off tiny little strings of lettuce. While it's being made I go into the walk-in cooler to get what I really came for. I let the door close behind me and just spend some time letting the frosty air cool my sweat. It's like a neat clubhouse in here - dim lighting, surrounded by Apple Slice and Crystal Pepsi, protected by a giant door that looks like a bank vault. And just then the old guy who works here opens the door and sees me standing there. "Nice and cool in here, huh?!" He's not mad, but I grab my single 8 oz glass bottle of Coca-Cola and head back out into the store. This should leave me with $1.50 (I think). The reason my Big League Chew melted was probably because I got bored with it - I need something new. Fruit Stripe? Cinn-a-Burst? Bubble Tape is basically Big League Chew in a different shape so that's out. Bart's really got me into Butterfingers lately but I got a whole bag of fun size ones at home. Everything else here is dumb; bubblegum cigar, Tootsie Pop, plastic army men with plastic parachutes... oh man, the Batman Returns cards are sold out?! Who else in this neighborhood is buying these except for me? Obviously I don't want these Ninja Turtles III or Star Trek Next Generation packs, and I'm not alone because there's a million of them left. I can't waste this extra money but I'm not excited about any of this stuff -- except for the Coke... Right! I'll get another bottle! That way I don't have to figure out another excuse tomorrow to come back here. A second bottle makes good financial sense. 

I get back with my grinder, my two Cokes, and Mom's change. I explain my decision to her about the extra soda and she says "okay" in a "that's fine" kinda way. I feel so rich having two unopened bottles! I couldn't imagine what it's like having a whole six pack - I'd probably never open them and just display them somewhere so I could look at them all the time. But I have no problem opening these - half the fun is drinking out of them. I open one with the fridge magnet bottle opener and take my ham & cheese and get set up in the parlor and try to find something on TV - hopefully a movie. I check HBO... Mannequin 2: On the Move. I hate Mannequin 2 - why don't they play part one anymore? Next I go to Cinemax... Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach - this one will definitely do. I don't know why I like watching it, none of the jokes are even funny and a lot of the acting is really annoying, but all the beach and pool stuff really feels like Summertime. I can't explain why that makes a difference to me but it does. I only watch enough to finish my sandwich and soda, and that gives me 30 minutes of Nintendo time before Mom watches All My Children at 1:00. It's not like I'm trying to beat something, I've been playing Gremlins 2 with the Game Genie and I've been using the "Infinite Lives" code and the "Don't Take Damage" code (though I guess I don't really need both). I haven't made it all the way through yet but knowing I can't die makes it feel like I've already beaten it. Still, I wanna see the Mohawk Spider Gremlin at the end. 

All My Children comes on. I haven't been into it as much since we found out it was Janet who murdered Will. All the other stories in the show just haven't been as cool. I still sorta half watch, but I'm paying more attention to finishing my Batman Returns comic book. Since I can't go back to the movies every day, I'm trying to draw the movie scenes on paper like a comic book. I've had to do it in two volumes because I couldn't staple that many pages together, but that gave me an excuse to make a whole second cover. But I'm almost done - I'm getting to the part where Batman drives the water skier through the sewer to get The Penguin, but first he has to put on all the pieces of his costume. 

I keep seeing commercials for a new Batman cartoon! It's weird to actually look forward to something in September, but this show kind of looks like the movies - they even use the Danny Elfman music (I hope they actually use it in the show and not just the commercials). But now All My Children is over and the TV is mine again. I flip around a bit and I find more Bewitched but I'm not in the mood - that's more of a morning show. Heathcliff is on Nickelodeon but I'm so tired of it, I think I've seen every episode twice. I go to Prevue Guide on channel 41, just to make it easier, but I also like watching it - mostly for the movie previews they play all day. Looks like there's mostly nothing on right now, but I'm still waiting for the scroll to get to channel 45 to see if anything good will be on HBO in the next hour... Yes! Naked Gun 2½ is on at 2:35! I guess I could watch Heathcliff till then but I'm having a much better time watching commercials for Soapdish and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves over and over again. 

3:00 rolls around. This is about the time I'd usually be getting home from school so out of habit I have to check the other channels just to see if something better is on. The Disney Afternoon just started on channel 38 which means DuckTales just started, and it's a really good one: it's the one where Gyro invents a kinda stopwatch that freezes time and then the Beagle Boys steal it and use it to take all the money out of Scrooge's money bin. Honestly if I had an invention like that I'd probably steal stuff too - all the tapes from Strawberries, all the action figures from Toy Works, and all the baseball cards from Hall of Fame. Well, maybe not all - just enough so that nobody gets in trouble. I stop daydreaming and suddenly it's 3:30 and Chip 'n Dale is starting. I stay for the theme song because it's awesome, but I flip around before the show starts because it's boring and I find Merrie Melodies on channel 39. It's one of those old musical ones with characters I don't even know. So I check Nickelodeon and it's Looney Tunes -- I never knew what the difference was between this and Merrie Melodies. But today Looney Tunes is a Coyote and Roadrunner episode so I stick with it. 

By 4 I've completely forgotten about Naked Gun and now I make my daily choice between Tiny Toons on channel 39 and Beetlejuice on 25. I go to Tiny Toons first because I've been watching that pretty much every day. I end up staying there, sitting through every Creepy Crawler and Super Soaker commercial until Ninja Turtles starts at 4:30. It's the one where Irma turns into a giant. I like Irma but she's so annoying in this episode. Whatever, it's the only good thing on right now and Dad will be home soon so I only have the TV for a little bit longer. Usually I'd get to watch the Mario Super Show at 5 and Saved by the Bell at 5:30 because Oprah was on channel 5 for that whole hour and nobody watches that, but now both parents keep checking all the other news channels for "election updates". Voting is still like three months away, I don't get why we have to watch stuff about it now. 

Dad has coffee and writes in his journal, which means I get to finish Mario and start watching Saved by the Bell - it's one of the ones where they all work at the Malibu Sands Beach Resort. These episodes are weird, I miss Mr. Belding. It's 20 minutes till supper and I ask Dad if we can go hit the ball down at Bennett Field. We've been doing that a lot this summer, ever since A League of Their Own came out last month. He says there's not enough time but we can play catch in the backyard "for a few". The sun's already going going down earlier than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still hot, and bright enough to see the ball through the shadows of the trees. In case for some reason I can't sleep over Ronny's this weekend I ask if maybe we can go to the movies on Saturday. There's nothing really exciting coming out but if we do end up going we agree that Stay Tuned looks kinda funny. 

We come in and Dad watches about 5 minutes of Peter Jennings before the rigatoni is on the dining room table. Teika sits at my feet during supper, quietly and patiently waiting for any kind of food. I know not to give him garlic bread because that turns into a night of stinky farts, so I slip him buttered pasta. I try to be quiet about it but he chews so friggin' loud that we can't keep it a secret. No one's mad, Mom's just pretend mad. The same way I'm pretend mad that she didn't make any brownies. Or that I have to take a bath - which I guess is ok, I can't even remember what day I took my last one. So after supper I take the world's fastest bath and only miss the first 10 minutes of the first episode of Married... With Children, but I get to see all of the second episode at 7:30 which is great because it's the two-parter where they go to the gold mine and I like the second part more. And then Married... With Children goes right into The Simpsons at 8. It's the softball episode which is cool because it has all my favorite baseball players, but I'm tired of repeats all summer long and I have to wait more than a month for the new Simpsons season to start. 

Mom's still in the dining room doing bills at 8:30 when Superman comes on Nick at Nite. This show makes me laugh, it's so stupid. It's weird people used to think it was cool when it was new (but I don't think Superman's cool anyway). By 9 Mom's on the couch and it's time for Get Smart. It's like the opposite of Superman - it's cool that old shows could be this funny on purpose. The same goes for Dick Van Dyke which is on at 9:30. I'd say it's definitely my favorite right now - it's the one where Rob and Laura are at a hotel and Laura gets her foot stuck in the bathtub and Rob draws a mustache on his face in permanent marker. I guess the only bad thing about Dick Van Dyke is that when it's over that means it's time for bed. Although bedtime actually means two episodes of All in the Family on WNDS. After Al Kaprielian's weather report, the first episode is when Archie accidentally gives George a fake $20 bill. I never knew that some money could actually be fake - I'm gonna start reading every word on every bill I see from now on. 

The second one is when Mike is about to graduate from college and then doesn't. I wouldn't say I'm wicked tired but I am sorta closing my eyes during the commercials and even a little bit during the show - I'm starting to hear the laugh track more than the jokes. At 11 I check VH1 once more for Queen stuff, but it's Standup Spotlight instead. The volume's too low to hear what the comedian is saying, or maybe it's because I missed the beginning of the joke, but I can't understand anything that's going on. Maybe I actually am tired. I guess I should start trying to fall asleep earlier, I'm gonna have to start getting up early again in a couple weeks. I really hope Fourth Grade is way better than Third, but more than that I'll miss getting up late. I'll miss going to the store any time I want. I'll miss playing hours of Tetris and Mario 3 before lunch. I'll miss being with Mom. And I'll definitely miss a lotta TV shows. 

- Paul

17 MORE Unsung Sidekicks

Several years ago I compiled a list of 17 supporting players in the circus that is Pop Culture - exclusively the ones that remained in the shadow of the hero or villain they supported. They rarely appeared on a t-shirt or poster of their own and if they were lucky enough to get an action figure it was destined to collect the most dust. Today I bring you the oddly-numbered 17 more - not because I can, but because I should. 

- Paul

Hollywood

Mannequin

If this list were 100 names long and ranked, Hollywood Montrose would be Number One. On its own it's a sweet, funny, and ridiculous movie, and Hollywood is the sweetest, funniest, and more ridiculous part of it. But more than that, his undying loyalty to our lead heroes is nearly unmatched in any other work of fiction. 

Steve Gomez

Breaking Bad

You can count the entirely uncorrupted characters on this show on one hand, and Gomie is pretty close to the top. He may not have been as merciless or vigilant as his partner in crimefighting, but when his help was needed he gave absolutely everything.

Guy LeDouche

MXC

I can't say entirely "unsung" - there isn't a fan of this show that wouldn't sing his praises. And like everything else in MXC: I don't wanna know his real name or the name of whoever dubs his voice, I just want this world to be real and exist as is. 

Geoff Peterson

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I only watched a bit of it when it initially aired, but I've sacrificed many hours of sleep to the YouTube reruns of who I consider to possibly be the best late night talk show host and his gay robot skeleton crony. Thankfully that dynamic was not the one-note joke it could've been - the rapport between the two (and the guests) was always so casual and spontaneous that the gimmick almost became unnoticeable. 

Trigger

Like Father, Like Son

You could probably guess someone's age by what they know Sean Astin best from, and that's because he has a resume of iconic roles. Even as a sidekick this probably wouldn't make anyone's list, but it's Trigger's innocent meddling that sets the entire plot in motion (which, in the end, brings our two leads closer together). 

Nicky

Easy Money

Within the scope of the story, Nicky is the devil on the shoulder, presenting Monty (Rodney Dangerfield) with more obstacles than he would've otherwise endured. However, while his intentions were always selfish he was fundamentally right, and he's eventually validated for his help (or lack thereof). 

Tony

Cobra

Lieutenant Cobretti may be the cure for crime but Sgt. Tony Gonzalez is the only one who's willing to help administer that medicine - a job that requires him to go to the same extremes as his partner, but also keeping him grounded by calling him "Marion" in front of his would-be girlfriend. 

Mumbles

Dick Tracy

The fact that he folds under the heat so easily may not place him high on a scale of allegiance, but to the good guys he's a pretty reliable source for incredibly quick and concise exposition. 

Jet Girl

Tank Girl

I didn't know Naomi Watts before this 1995 movie, which was probably the same for a lotta people. And like a lotta people I definitely remembered her afterwards; while Lori Petty's lead was the stuff of teenage fantasy, the shy and bespectacled Jet Girl was the hidden gem in this desert dystopia. 

Dr. Wright

SimCity

I'm making up my own rules here: in this 1991 Super Nintendo version of the game that allows you to build your own cities, the only real characters are you the player (or "Mayor"), and Dr. Wright your financial advisor and sorta moral support cheerleader. So, he's your sidekick; there's probably only like 3 people who know what I'm talking about here but I'm sure they'd back me up. 

Sam

Clarissa Explains it All

All the girls wanted him and all the boys wanted to be him. I certainly know I did - I would've loved to have any kinda friend at that age, but one as smart and cool as Clarissa? That's clearly the stuff of fiction - courtesy of Nickelodeon Studios. 

Porky Pig

Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2th Century

He's only ever referred to as the "Eager Young Space Cadet" but I think we all know it's Porky. And such is the case as when anyone is paired with Daffy that they come out ahead as the smarter one, but also the calmer one; despite retaining his trademark stutter, Porky glides through this 1953 short with more coolness than even Bugs could. 

Itzhak Stern

Schindler's List

I suppose we could also credit the actual historical figure -- in either case, there's no subtlety in the fact that Oskar was about the "presentation" but it was Stern who really did a lot of "the work", and Ben Kingsley plays him with a sort of meek humility that makes us feel like he's the real hero of the story.

Renfield

Dracula

He's clearly gotten a lot more press in recent years, but separate from spinoffs and origins I've always found him to be one of the most tragic characters of Fiction - a sane man fighting for his soul. Though as much as I hated Dead and Loving It I'll still defend Peter MacNicol as one of the best to do it. 

Pagoda

The Royal Tenenbaums

Sometimes a sidekick doesn't really have much to offer other than the basic company of another human being - especially when no one else can stand you. Also we all need someone to give us a good stabbing now and then as a wakeup call. 

Jay

Bachelor Party

His intentions were always noble. Or maybe they weren't, who cares - he only ever told groom-to-be Rick (Tom Hanks) what he wanted to hear, and who doesn't want that? More than anything he was this architect of this social gathering that, for the most part, ended up being a success.

Cora

Cookie's Fortune

There aren't too many great things about this lite Robert Altman comedy, but the best thing in it (and maybe her career) is Julianne Moore as the dimwitted, bumbling Cora (yes, Julianne bumbles). Technically a sister to Glenn Close's Camille, she's given the nearly-impossible task of going along with a fabricated story involving the supposed murder of her aunt. She clearly doesn't have the mental capacity to keep big secrets but her efforts are commendable - and hilarious. 

Black Cherry

CLEAN FIGHT : Say Cheese and Die!/The Tale of the Curious Camera

The long-standing battle continues - which was better: Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark?. Actually I made that up, there's no battle between these two enterprises that I'm aware of. But there should be; we fight about everything else, we should at least throw down over the more important issues. Personally I know which one I've always chosen but I'm trying to not let that (entirely) inform my decision in this otherwise impartial conflict; ignoring all other media produced under these respective spooky umbrellas, today we're focusing on two things: the Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode titled "The Tale of the Curious Camera", and the Goosebumps episode (and book) titled "Say Cheese and Die!".

It's an easy and obvious collation: 90s Children's Entertainment rooted in Horror Anthology, both stories centering around a corrupted camera that causes death and destruction with each photograph, all versions of the story released within a four year period. If we're to ignore the Twilight Zone episode from 1960 titled "A Most Unusual Camera" then the earliest version of this concept goes to the Goosebumps book in 1992 (which openly borrowed from Twilight Zone). "Say Cheese and Die!" was the fourth book in the series, with the first one having been released just four months prior, so it's safe to say that Goosebumps-mania really went into full swing in '92. By the time this one came out in November I was in total Bram Stoker's Dracula mode, and so while the series didn't entirely fit in with my interests it was hard to ignore its presence. I was in the fourth grade, which is probably around the target audience if not precisely; not that teachers were assigning this macabre material as part of the syllabus, no, these were for the ones who read for pleasure. That wasn't me, and yet, I still amassed a stack of them simply because I was that enamored with the artwork on the covers. 

Not just the sleek illustrations by Tim Jacobus, but the alternating color schemes of the Goosebumps logo and the border around it all worked together like some kinda candy, to the point that I just started buying them based on a literal judgment of a book cover. This was at an age when school had substantially soured the possibility of getting any enjoyment from reading, so I had to get my prepubescent frights from some other outlet. Fortunately just one month after the first Goosebumps hit shelves, our television screens were blessed with SNICK, and with it came Canada's Are You Afraid of the Dark?. 

The pilot episode, titled "The Tale of the Twisted Claw" debuted on YTV in Canada in 1990 but the show didn't become a Nickelodeon series until '92 - as part of their Saturday Night "SNICK" block of programming. SNICK was openly aimed at "preteens" which, at 9 years old, I kinda was, and thought watching it made me feel a teensy more mature, the subject matter was still childishly tame - up to and including Are You Afraid of the Dark?. Still though, the show had an undeniable atmosphere that was particularly less juvenile than it needed to be and I recognized it and hooked into it right away. The budget wasn't huge which was good, and it was made in another country so it just felt slightly alien to me; I only ever saw it at night and usually in its Saturday time slot, and even those two elements added to the mood. But beyond the stories about ghosts and curses, there was a richness in the cinematography and set design that never felt heavy-handed but was always palpable. 

So there it is: the Nickelodeon show and the omnipresent paperbacks were both pretty to look at and still remain indicative of early 90s youth culture. But who had the better "camera" story - or, who told it better because it's the same damn story. Predictably the first version I experienced was the Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode -- "...Curious Camera" aired in March of 1994 as part of the show's third season, and to be honest I was sorta aging outta the series and the channel around that time, so the fact that I actually caught this episode on the night it premiered was sorta incidental, but entirely fortuitous. 

The episode follows Matt, a high school loner who's targeted by bullies. On class photo day the bullies squirt ketchup onto Matt's face before his picture is taken (wonderfully morbid foreshadowing), but Matt's photos mysteriously come out blank. When refused a refund from the photographer, Matt is instead gifted an antique camera - and soon realizes it causes disaster to anything and anyone it photographs. He initially uses it as a weapon against his tormentors but of course it soon begins to function on its own, putting Matt and everyone he knows in danger. Even back then the story felt predictable and familiar, but the absolute biggest seduction for me was the gremlin. 

The story maintains its mystique for the most part, but in an attempt to explain why the camera is the way it is, they instead create a supernatural lore that left me blissfully bemused; appearing in the corner of each picture is a small, inconspicuous "gremlin", but it's not like a silly cartoonish gremlin, it's like a gothic tribal design drafted up by Captain Howdy and The Blair Witch. And at the end : : S P O I L E R : : when the camera is destroyed, the gremlin reincarnates itself in the family computer - which is such a typical analogy for the series that was constantly combining old-fashioned frights with hip 1990s flavors. I enjoyed the show on its many superficial levels, but the concept of the gremlin and this sorta transferable curse was truly fascinating and kinda scary to me - to the point that I wrote a short story spinoff in the 6th grade that furthered the adventures of the gremlin, and then as an adult I got the design tattooed on my body. 

In all fairness, the greater portion of my personal nostalgia, between the two, belongs to Are You Afraid of the Dark?. I enjoyed the cover art and I actually read "Night of the Living Dummy" on my own time, but for me, Goosebumps merely existed. It wasn't until as recently as this past Summer, along with my son, did I read "Say Cheese and Die!". Borrowed from the library with some hideously updated cover, we read a chapter a night but it only took a few pages to recognize the formula; even when I was little the "cursed object" scenario was bogged down in predictability. I will say this for one Robert Lawrence Stine: he can stretch a premise with the strength of a hundred YA novelists; one could argue that he's developing character and mood, but even as a grownup I'm like "Get to the crazy camera stuff already!" Fortunately most of these books were adapted for the Goosebumps TV show that debuted in 1995, and there were really no noticeable omissions in the stories when you condensed them down to 20 minutes. 

I was very much too old for this series when it came out - in part because the demographic seemed to be even younger than the one Are You Afraid of the Dark? was aiming for; this show felt like a loud toy commercial with puppets and colored lights and smoke machines and homemade slime (which ain't all bad). So for the sake of symmetry (and fun) I watched the "Say Cheese..." episode from the first season of the series - which apparently is the famous one as it features Canadian superstar (and Are You Afraid of the Dark? alum) Ryan Gosling. 

Ryan plays Greg who, along with his friends, comes upon an old camera in a spooky abandoned house. Greg keeps the camera, he takes pictures with it, the pictures depict mayhem, mayhem ensues. One of the better angles that's in both the book and the show is the sorta existential mystery of it: Greg takes a photo of Shari and the photo comes out blank, so Shari disappears. When Greg tears up the photo, Shari reappears, not knowing where she had gone. Apart form that the rest of the story is by-the-numbers, particularly the reveal of the camera's origins which : : S P O I L E R : : is just your basic combination of magic spells and mad scientists. In a glorious bit of trivia, the scientist and original owner of the camera in the Goosebumps show is played by Richard McMillan, the same actor who plays the photographer and original owner of the camera in the Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode. (Both episodes were directed by Ron Oliver and were, of course, a Canadian production.) 

MY CHOICE: Comparing a book to a teleplay or any visual medium usually feels pretty frivolous; honestly a Goosebumps book, however bland or sparse, can feel pretty tense and eerie in my own imagination. Clearly the TV show did not expand or even fulfill the spooky potential of the source material -- one need only witness the Fisher Price camera prop from the "Say Cheese..." episode to get a sense of how juvenile they aspired to be. Even at its silliest, Are You Afraid of the Dark? maintained a dignity and a darkness that felt respectful to its subject matter and its audience. But this is about the dueling camera stories, and though both are derivative of an even older story, there are strong enough differences in their respective executions, and particularly their resolutions, to pick a winner. While I was able to maintain an otherworldly sensibility while reading the Goosebumps book, the Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode simply and expertly provided its own, and that's an undeniable achievement. More than that, some bumbling mad scientist is no match for an abstract demon illustration. 

- Paul

MY POSTER PAST :: part 10

This series has been a wonderfully evocative journey for me personally - uniting all these striking, familiar images is nearly like my life flashing before my eyes. But as I've asserted time and again, nostalgia is nontransferable; you may enjoy the artwork but unless you've stared at that particular glamour shot of the Batmobile for the entirety of your formative years then you may not have the same feels as I as you gaze upon it. Fortunately for you, dear readers, some of these posters come with a story (or at least some kinda explanation) and for this set I've found a few peculiarities that come with a legit "lemme explain...". As for the rest, you'll just have to attempt to enjoy them on as many levels as I do. 

- Paul

Punch-Drunk Love

My sister got me this for Christmas in 2002 and that was the last day it looked this nice. I immediately placed it in a cheap plastic frame which caused excessive waves of wrinkles to the point that it was painful to look at (which sucks for wall art). It met its ultimate fate as it hung in my short-lived basement bedroom; the plexiglass became coated in soot generated by an antique oil furnace, and the poster itself never fully recovered from an isolated ceiling leak. That's that, mattress man.

Nice Jeans!

I don't know where I bought this or when, and even in the moment I didn't even really know why. I mean I kinda know why - the irony of dumb humor dorm room pinups was never lost on me (nor was the appeal of the pinups themselves) but this one hung behind a door which was usually a sentence of banishment.

Joey

I didn't watch Dawson's Creek. I've never seen a minute of Dawson's Creek. I wasn't even really that into Katie Holmes, but I came across this for 90% off regular retail when my go-to poster store was going out of business in the early 2000s. I acquired it for pennies and helped it to realize its full potential: I bought a 12x16 frame - just big enough to fit her eyes, nose, and mouth, cut the poster to size, and encapsulated her unsettlingly sensuous WB face - making it just weird enough to be worthy. 

Happy, Happy! Joy, Joy!

For a show full of crazy shapes and sounds and colors, I loved and continued to love the quiet elegance of this stark white atmosphere - it's like a t-shirt but better. Though I will say that tall, serif "Happy, Happy! Joy, Joy!" typeface is more 1992 than powdered toast and Crystal Pepsi combined. 

Edward Scissorhands VHS

The months between the end of the theatrical run and the home video release of this movie was like a prison sentence: "How am I to live in a world with no way of watching Edward Scissorhands on any format??" In the Spring of '91 I was already aware of its impending June 27 VHS street date, but it was still like an electric rainbow explosion the day my mother and I drove past a video store (because they were that common) and we spotted this beauty in the window. Without any exchange of words my mom turned around and pulled into the parking lot - her plan was to send me in alone to ask for the poster because there was a better chance of them not saying no to an 8-year-old. But they did say no, and while I maintained a brave face in the moment, I went back out to the car in tears. The video store employee must've watched from the window as my mother consoled me because he came out and agreed to put my name and number on the back of the poster and call me when they were through with it. (I would take advantage of this arrangement with several other posters at several other video stores over the years.)

INTERIORS: Exploring The Magic Mansion from ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK

On September 19, 1992, the Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode titled "The Tale of the Super Specs" premiered on Nickelodeon's Saturday Night block of programs known as SNICK. It was only the sixth episode in the series thus far and I'd yet to miss a single one. I was 9 years old. 

The story deals with a cheap pair of novelty glasses that, when worn, allows one to peer into another dimension inhabited by malevolent shadow people. On its own it's certainly a favorite of mine and one of the more famous episodes for being genuinely creepy with an ambiguously downbeat ending. But I didn't go to sleep that night overwhelmed with existential dread - contrarily, I was left feeling full of wonderment and desire -- not from the actual main premise of the show, but from the set design of one of its locations. More specifically, the props. 

This is one of the extremely few episodes that doesn't open around the campfire, but instead we begin during the daytime inside The Magic Mansion, a store owned by Gary's father. Gary is one of the storytellers in each episode's wraparound segments and is kinda the lead in a way, and in this setup Kristen (one of the other series regulars) is here to inform Gary that the gang feels his stories have waned in quality. (Heavy stuff.) That night Gary predictably uses The Magic Mansion as a central location in his new tale that manages to wow his audience. 

This lead in, the whole story that follows, everything else was just window-dressing to me - the real star, the real point of this one is The Magic Mansion; not since Mario's Magic Shop in Pee-wee's Big Adventure had I witnessed such hardcore pornography so casually cast upon my hungry eyes. 

For as fortunate and secure as my childhood may've been, the most glaring depravation within my little safety bubble was a lack of a legit Magic Shop (or Joke Store, depending if I was in more of a Legend of Zelda mood or a Batman mood). Looking at The Magic Mansion it appears to be a bit of both: foam ice cream cones, plastic fried eggs, fake puke, mixed in with various gothic idols and potion bottles, all anchored by a selection of monster masks to solidify it as an emporium of one-stop shopping. 

Ideally I just wanted my home to resemble this setting (or at least my bedroom) and as God as my witness I did my absolute best and took every step in trying to achieve that, and through flea market finds and repurposing store-bought toys I managed to amass enough decor to pass for the overall mood. 

It helps that the art direction (from fashionably named Art Director Réal Proulx) consists mostly of plastic dime store junk and rubber Halloween party favors. I'd no interest in that phoniness, but the onscreen stuff that was obtainable was sand art in curvy glass bottles and skull shaped coffee cups and decks of playing cards and leather-bound books, as well as my own contributions like multicolored candles and ornate incense burners that really tied the room together. Though my most screen accurate acquisition was a small velvet bag with a drawstring that I filled with baby powder to recreate the magic dust that transforms the ordinary specs into the titular super specs. 

I don't have much of that stuff anymore and my tastes in home decorating have shifted and broadened over the decades, but every time I revisit this episode the attraction is still there and just as strong. There actually are hole in the wall "Mystic Stores" that do exist on this planet if you look hard enough (if you've ever been to Salem, Massachusetts you'd think you'd hit the main nerve) but you'd be hard pressed to find an establishment that stocks crystal balls and rubber dog shit on the same shelf. Only in the world of SNICK do these dreams become reality. 

I don't know. Maybe it was Canada. 

- Paul