5 Scary Monsters from Unscary Movies (1980s edition)

Sometimes human places, create inhuman monsters."

- Stephen King

In trying to think of my scariest monsters, I was forced to wander the halls of childhood trauma to come up with a truly accurate list. There are a lotta gnarly characters in those corridors; some legitimate bad guys, some ugly mugs, and a lot of moody lighting. When we're kids everything can be scary, but I don't think I'm going too far out on any limbs when I say this was some spooky imagery through any lens. 

Bib Fortuna

STAR WARS Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Were it not for the Ewoks, this entry into the franchise is closest they came to a Horror Movie (until Rise of Skywalker) - and a lotta that had to do with makeup effects. Put plainly, if a character looked like this in any other movie he'd be the main baddie, but in Jabba's Palace he's barely second banana, and in the galaxy of STAR WARS he's probably a footnote. However, my earliest memory of losing power in the house during a storm is accompanied by the fear that the guy with the red eyes and pointy teeth and weird tail around his neck was lurking in the darkness, flashing me that sinister grin. 

Dr. Jenning

Howard the Duck

Technically the "Dark Overlord of the Universe" - a possession performance obviously inspired by The Exorcist before I knew The Exorcist, and they did not hold back. I was probably a wimpy kid when it came to cinematic terrors, but 80s "Children's Programming" famously presented the toughest battles, and by that measure I think I did alright. But holy fuck. My son is a thousand times more resilient than I was when it comes to movie scares, but I showed this to him when he was about 4 and he's specifically asked to not revisit it because of this creepiness. So I'd say between this and STAR WARS and even elements of Willow, George Lucas is an under appreciated maestro of Horror. (Feel free to insert your own Jar Jar jokes.)

Zoltar

Big

I've seen a handful of off-model Zoltar fortune telling machines out in the wild, and it gets the same reaction out of me as when I find Wonka Bars: "You don't look like the movie. Bye." Predictably, this was created and designed specifically for this film, and the finished product is one of the best movie props of the 1980s (though that's a long list). Apart from his glowing eyes and gentle "roaring" motions, homie had context; the fact that he can make wishes come true means there's definitely a ghost or a curse or something paranormal in that machine, and it fills me with eerie wonderment. And yes, I knew a kid who was not me who found Zoltar to be "too much" and couldn't continue with the film. 

Robot Michael Jackson

Moonwalker

Just to give you an overview: The King of Pop transforms from regular old MJ into a legitimate Transformer so that he can defeat Joe Pesci and his Gestapo from kidnapping children. I think - it's been a few decades. The details don't matter - nothing else matters when you're dealing with one of the Top 5 Scariest Michael Jackson Transformations (on film or in person). All in all it's actually a cool moment in a movie full of cool moments, and I truly think that growing up around a lotta wimpier people (my cousins, my parents) managed to influence me in regard to what I personally found to be scary. And I can personally say that, as a grownup, Michael Jackson in any form is consistently a little bit scary. 

Judge Doom

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

This was probably the second or third movie I ever saw in a movie theater - and I was blessed with the "mature" choice that day (one of my aforementioned cousins got stuck seeing the rerelease of Bambi). I don't know if my mom pointed out to me that that was Doc Brown or if that even would've sank in on me because of how unrecognizable he was through makeup and performance. Certainly The Judge is scary as is - he's the bad guy, that's not incidental. And as a toon he's even more terrifying - again, as expected. But once he's been steamrolled and he wobbles around like a stick of gum, that was his most mortifying form.