GUMMY MANIA!

Always on the lookout for new ways to gamble with my health, I've become noticeably addicted to gummy (or gummi) candies. I tell myself that it's really just a handful a day -- but it is every day, and it's been going on for over a year I think. So, while I'm still alive and have some teeth left, I'm doing a bit of exploration and experimentation in the land of gelatin and corn syrup before the hammer falls and I turn into some rubbery mutant victim of Willy Wonka's factory. Below are 5 new ones that I decided to try - almost all at the same time (so if I come across as aggressive or irritable, that's why). 

- Paul

Nerds Juicy Gummy Clusters

Now I'm in the limelight cuz I rhyme tight. Back in my day this brand actually was a Wonka property (before the Oompa Loompa uprising of 2015), and I'm here to say that the Candyman himself woulda been immensely proud of this mad creation: a traditional Nerds Gummy Cluster (sweet & gummy inside, tangy & crunchy outside) but now with "a drop of juicy center" which delivers a little surprise squirt in your mouth... Mmhmm. The liquid center is nowhere near a new concept, but the addition of a crunchy coating of nerds makes for a wild variety of sensations all at once. One of my favorite characteristics of gummies is the assortment of flavors in a single bag; this package is confined only to Strawberry Punch flavor, which is fine because there's already more than enough going on. 

Juicy Drop Gummy Mystery Cube

Speaking of way too much going on -- so these are small translucent gummy cubes that each contain an even smaller gummy inside (in the shape of a bear, a dinosaur, or a hippo) and come in cherry, blue raspberry, and apple. I would've put more effort into taking more detailed pictures of these shenanigans but I was too busy tryna eat the goddamn things; it suggests "peel and reveal" but they're so friggin small that it's like trying to skin a blueberry. And once I've freed the "inner" animal gummy, what am I supposed to do, play with it? I found the best way to go is to just pop the whole puzzle into your mouth unmolested - if for no better reason than the mystery flavor of the protective cube is unappealing on its own.

Swedish Fish Chews

I didn't really look too closely at these before buying them, and I think I probably only needed two seconds to recognize that these are not actually gummies at all, but are, as indicated by their name, chews. Of course, "chews" can be kinda generic, but it should appear obvious now that these are just fruity Tootsie Roll Midgees presented in Blue Raspberry, Red Raspberry, Orange, Lemon, and Lime. Individually wrapped and demanding long, controlled chewing, some might consider each one an experience, but I just find it to be a hassle; these little cement chodes are a young person's game and I hate wondering if each bite may be my last. 

Lifesavers Gummies X's & O's

Lifesavers makes the best gummies in my opinion: super soft, perfect shape, and every variety they offer is creative and unique. Case in point: here we have Watermelon, Blue Raspberry, Lime, Pink Punch, and Grape - as far as I know, all new flavors in the Lifesavers Gummy canon, and each one a remarkable achievement unto itself. Additionally, the variation of shapes here doesn't seem to make much difference, mostly because they're still roughly the same size; they could be little swastikas for all I care, as long as they're soft & delicious. 

Efrutti Sweet & Sour Apple Trio

And now, appropriately from Germany, we have some honest-to-god sour candy. I don't do sour candy ever, but we're dealing with three different apple cultivars here and I'd almost insist that at least one incorporated a sour edge - and I'd be right to do so because the Granny Smith ones are wunderbar. (Though the Golden Delicious flavor is almost identical to the green, and the Honey Crisp ones taste like spray paint so clearly there's a spectrum.) My biggest complaint, however, is the depiction on the package; I think we can all agree that "Granny Smith" calls up imagery of curly white hair and wire rimmed glasses, but instead we got this asshole who looks like he's laughing at his own jokes. What an asshole.