The Swiss Colony Catalog

You've heard of Flintstones Kids and Toys R Us Kids. Me, I'm a Slim-Jim Kid (yes, I'm making that a thing). My parents always loved to remind me of how they gave me one of the famous spicy meat sticks when I was barely old enough to chew, hoping I'd react in a funny way to the hotness, but instead I happily consumed the snack without a fuss. But really Slim-Jims were the gateway drug to my main fascination with, and adoration for, the cheese and cracker platters I'd find at family get-togethers and other social events, where an entire spread of meats and fruits and nuts would be offered alongside the main attraction of sliced dairy and sleeves of Ritz and Triscuits. Fortunately I'm not alone in my lust for these hors d'oeuvres because there are entire companies out there that actually consider this cuisine to carry enough clout to be given as a gift. One such company is The Swiss Colony. 

A brief backstory... At some point in the 1990s my family was gifted a small assortment of meats & cheeses (probably like two 1 oz. summer sausages and a few bricks of cheddar and colby). Obviously from someone not that close, and it obviously sat in the fridge forgotten by all - except me. I picked at it until there was no more, never quite knowing what to make of it -- a snack? a meal? an appetizer? I loved how it was a small self-contained project that I could "prepare" myself and eat at my own pace, on my own terms. The closest Mom could find for me at the grocery store were the Slim-Jim Beef & Cheese sticks, which held me over happily during the off-season. And then, closer to the Holidays, my mother spots an ad in a magazine (probably TV Guide) for Figi's Gift Sets, featuring the miniaturized consumables I'd fallen in love with. She buys me a set for Christmas, landing her name on the mailing list, and year after year the catalogs came rolling in. 

When she died in 2015 the Figi's catalogs found their way to me, under my name, at my own address. I don't remember what circumstances may've caused that but I like to think it was some kinda destiny. Moreover, Figi's went out of business in 2019, and then The Swiss Colony catalogs started showing up. Again, I'm sure some business changed hands between the two companies and Figi's relinquished their customer records to a similar enterprise (though I never consented to that), but I'm perfectly happy that it continues in some form. The Swiss Colony catalogs are nearly identical to the Figi's ones: big enticing smorgasbords of colorful foods presented like the pornography that it is, along with many other pages dedicated to cakes and fudge and various spreads. 

It all looks like a feast presented by The Ghost of Christmas Present, but even if you've never ordered any kinda product from a paper catalog before, I'm sure you're still fully aware that everything pictured throughout these books is wildly exaggerated in terms of size; a lotta forced perspective photography and "enlarged to show texture" tricks continue to deceive me even as I sit here looking at them now. Man, that chocolate covered butter toffee could last me till summer! The only true-to-life depictions of products (I'm assuming) are the totally nerdy "gifts" offered throughout the middle pages. 

I'd love to say that there's a quaint innocence to the fleece pullovers and illegible cursive signage but it teeters too close to "conservative extremist" aesthetic for me. So I simply ignore that as I continue to focus on deez nuts. And deez mustards and chocolates and popcorn tins. Although I sadly have to admit that I've never actually gotten anything weird, and by "weird" I mean anything outside the meat and cheese assortments. That's due partly to my predisposition to tradition, combined with my anxiety for gambling. But maybe even more than that, I can still hear my mother's voice cautioning me about the deceptive depictions of baby swiss wheels the size of throw pillows and beef logs that could choke a colon. $39.99 is a hefty bill vs. six bucks at the deli (less as the gas station), but as she and I and most people understand (some more deep down than others) that it's just way more fun to eat finger foods out of a fancy ass survival kit. 

- Paul