TRADING CARDS :: 5 Weird Singles

I can't seem to make an entry in this series without calling attention to the fact that, once upon a time, everything had its own trading card. That's been established. And when they ran outta all the normal stuff like professional athletes and summer blockbusters and popular TV shows, they'd just invent shit to turn into a collectible piece of cardboard, and a lotta the time (especially when I was a kid) I didn't totally understand the "shit". Here's 5 of the more peculiar notions ever put on paper. 

- Paul

DESERT STORM (#136) "Donating Blood" -- PRO SET

Unless you were there (like physically in Iraq) then you most likely remember the Persian Gulf Conflict as either CNN footage, or as the Pro Set Desert Storm trading cards. Everyone bought these along with every series and spinoff and subset they threw at us because they had us believing that one day they'd be major collectors' items. Now it's just a silly reminder of the early 90s in the guise of some military porn; the cards depicted key figures like Bush, Powell, Schwarzkopf, and Saddam, as well as other notable images like tanks, missiles, flags, and as part of some bottom-of-the-barrel sub series, this bag of blood here. 

BASEBALL'S GREATEST GROSSOUTS (#45) "Phil the Fly" -- Leaf

One of the most notable icons of the 'gross-out craze' that began in the 80s was Garbage Pail Kids from Topps, and in the wake of that, the sticky, gooey aesthetic began to blossom and found its way into everything - including this very similar sticker series from Leaf. Rather than taking inspiration from Cabbage Patch Dolls these went the more obvious route: Baseball, and more specifically Baseball trading cards as each player comes with a list of stats on the back - like Phil the Fly here who stands 3'9" (on webbed feet) and "buzzes around the field all day singing 'Where Have All the Flowers Gone?'".

HILDEBRANDT COLLECTOR CARDS (#4) "White Fire" -- Comic Images

Twin brothers Greg and Tim Hildebrandt were renowned Fantasy/SciFi artists who created memorable depictions of STAR WARS, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter (collaboratively and respectively). This card series solely featured the collected works of Greg (who died in October of 2024) and features his takes on everything from Peter Pan to Alice in Wonderland. I was initially drawn to these not just for the partial nudity but he also created various illustrations of Dracula, and back in '92 anything Dracula-related was on my radar (nearly as much as partial nudity). 

POP CARDZ (#35) "Christina Ricci" -- PopCardz LLC

Imagine Us Weekly but without all the discretion and credibility and you get these weak-ass unlicensed celebrity trading cards. The concept itself is not unheard of but the execution is worthy of the dollar store checkout counter - which is exactly where I bought them. The greatest mystery surrounding this series is trying to determine exactly who the target audience would be - someone who enjoys generic red carpet photography and trading cards and they're shopping on a budget. 

MARY PAPER$ Official Costume Card

Found within a pack of equally confounding cards that I bought in a comic store, it contains an actual piece of fabric worn by Mary Paper$ herself. "Who is Mary Paper$?" I hear some of you query - according to The Internet: Mary Paper$ is a straight up gangster bitch and sometime friend of the Sucklord. She is a supporting character in the ongoing ORIGINAL VILLAIN NETWORK web soap opera. There you have it, Bennett Media readers!