10 Weird Weapons from 1993

Who are you trying to get crazy with, ése? If you weren't raised in the streets of '93 you at least claimed you were. Fact or fib you better had made damn sure you didn't find yourself in the jungle with just your dick in your hand. Fortunately there was enough ferocious firepower at your fingertips to fend off these fools who didn't know what was up. Here are 10 implements of destruction that were sure to keep you safe from that gangsta lean.

- Paul

The Voorhees Dagger

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

Who knew Friday the 13th was rooted in Fantasy Adventure? Like any mystical artifact with magic powers, there are rules:

1. Be Jason's niece.

2. Stab him.

It has the power to piss off fans of an already goofy ass film series and kill a franchise (for approximately 8 years). 

Nerf Arrowstorm Gatling

Tonka/Hasbro

Nerf was all about the balls forever. But when it could no longer be ignored that kids were just beating the shit out of each other with the bats the next logical phase was soft yet imposing weaponry. I played Deliverance many a time with this bad boy. 

Bob-omb

Super Mario Bros.

Actual professional critics now incorporate "fan service" as a legitimate term of critique into their "reviews." Fuck them and the state of everything. Nevertheless, this was a heavy moment in the '93 Mario movie because we all, for a couple seconds, were able to understand what the hell was going on. 

O'Bannion's paddle

Dazed and Confused

You ever get the sense that this is exactly what Ben Affleck was like in High School and that's why he's so great in this? Not to put my own brand of damper on whatever acting ability he has but the spectrum of his range is between this and then everything else he's done. 

Vega's claw

Street Fighter II Turbo

The simplicity of Street Fighter is that it's all hands and fists - save for the occasional Hadoken or Shoryuken here and there. Enter Vega: the Spanish kickboxing crossbreed of Freddy and Jason who isn't hesitant about climbing a chainlink fence to utilize the force of gravity to stab his opponents in the head. He was a favorite.

Plastic gun

In The Line of Fire

I didn't have any real strong political leanings of my own when I was 10, but man I wanted so badly to assassinate somebody with this cunning little pistol. Even cooler that the bullets had to be hidden in a rabbit's foot keychain so I'd have to covertly load it during some black tie event. Someday *fingers crossed*.

Lightsabers

Hot Shots! Part Deux 

Any year that has lightsabers is gonna find its way onto any hypothetical weapons list I make. Although this choice heightened my awareness to the fact that the Naked Gun and Hot Shots! movies are largely comprised of turning silly and ordinary things into ammunition. This narrowly beat out the chicken arrow.

Homemade crossbow

The Good Son 

Actually just some kinda bolt gun which I thought was rad; Macaulay was so close to being the friend I'd always wanted, minus the constant sororicide and animal executions. But I did want a gun that wasn't an actual gun but actually did some damage so this woulda worked out splendidly. 

Hydro-Sat 3000 Z

Boy Meets World

Really it was just a Super Soaker because not even Mariah Carey was as popular as Super Soakers in '93. And I find it kinda wholesome that the most popular toy of the time was a candy colored water gun, free of any realistic implication of violence. Still though, TGIF didn't have the dinero to use the "Super Soaker" name. 

Toilet tank cover

True Romance

Everyone talks about how badass Patricia Arquette is in this scene, but Gandolfini took 10 pounds of porcelain to the skull and got back up just to eat some flames. Quentin likes to point out how thrilled he was that the cover didn't break on impact, making it the most brutal and realistic act of violence in this whimsical bloodbath of a movie.