Graphic Tease

10 Cool Cars

Sorry if this concept feels derivative or played-out but it's a subject we've rarely tackled on this site -- and certainly never in any kinda Top 10 capacity. But don't worry, it's a little bit less of an eye-roll than it could be; there'll be no Deloreans or Batmobiles on this lineup (though I'll get damn close), but still definitely nothing super obscure. And yes, they're all cars as in fuel-injected terrestrial conveyances - so no jetpacks or skateboards (that will be an entirely separate list). Eat my rubber. 

- Paul

Deathmobile

National Lampoon's Animal House

Is it possible I've never brought up the Delta House Deathmobile before?? When I was little this part of the movie was even more exciting to me than the Belushi antics and intermittent nudity. I drew so many pictures of this car - even at school, when they'd hand out construction paper and say "make something" I often grabbed the black and red crayons and got to work on perfecting my Deathmobile artistry. Even when doodling I'd write the Delta House fraternity logo of "Triangle TX" before I knew what that stuff meant. Technically I still don't. 

Columbo's Peugeot

Columbo

"You take care of your car, it'll take care of you." It may've been old and dirty and absent of seatbelts, but this French Cabriolet was reliable enough to last the Lieutenant 10 seasons. As someone who's crashed through a handful of cars I can tell you that it's always the unstable ones that give you the most love. (Same goes for women, amirite fellas?!)

The Monkeemobile

The Monkees

This souped-up Pontiac convertible was like a bright, funner 60s Batmobile (though it was not created by the same designer as people often claim). It got way too little screentime on the show, but one of the coolest features of the car was its drag parachute that was branded with a giant Kellogg's logo from when the band did cornflakes commercials. Let's face it it, The Beatles never reached these heights. 

The Duck

Batman Returns

Speaking of brighter Batmobiles... There's so much to love about it; so rarely do bad guys get their own Villain Mobile, and this self aware rubber ducky boat/car is such an exciting splash of color in the notoriously "dark" Batman movie. Also I like how you have to do some mild detective work to figure out what it is and where it came from -- nowadays The Duck would probably have its own origin movie. (I haven't checked, it probably does.)

The Tanker Truck

Duel

Another one of the Unrecognized Universal Monsters (Spielberg had several of those) it's rusty and dusty with mystique. I've heard fan theories that it could've possibly been supernatural but that still doesn't take away from how badass it looks. Again, count our blessings that we don't have a Halloween-sized franchise exploring all the possibilities.

The Black Moon

Black Moon Rising

I don't have to explain why the titular vehicle from this 1986 Tommy Lee Jones Thriller is cool based solely on looks, do I? Look at it! It's like the LEGO version of The Wraith (and I actually mean that in a good way). But its other big draw is it can exceed 300 mph and runs on H20. Buckle up!

EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle

Stripes

I find RVs and motorhomes to be pretty ugly, but this wonderfully dated avocado camper with equally-retro curtains is actually pretty sleek. This was my first exposure to the idea of a weaponized automobile; before James Bond or even Batman this gave me my first glimpse at a regular car that could shoot guns and throw flames. I'll drive. 

Dracula's Hearse

The Monster Squad

I'll admit, I feel a little weird about The Count driving a car - it's of my opinion that anyone wearing a cape is better suited to stagecoach or sea travel. But, I suppose if Drac has to navigate the 1980s in style then a black Cadillac Hearse with a custom skull hood ornament is the way to get around town. 

The Gadgetmobile

Inspector Gadget

I typically hate the design of hatchbacks - they look like motorized fanny packs out there on the road. But Gadget's car is so stylish and slender and colorful that I always found its standard sedan version to be very attractive - regardless of all the flamboyant bullshit it can do. 

Jack's Ford Bronco

Lost

Perhaps just another symbol of how the handsome rich doctor is actually Mr. Rough-and-tumble who drives a truck. But as the unkempt pill-popping, Nirvana-blaring derelict that Jack appears to be at the end of Season 3, this early 70s brown Bronco feels appropriate. If I were stuck with a truck, this is the one I'd choose.

STATIC SHOTS

MY AWESOME MIX TAPE #11

TRADING CARDS :: 5 Weird Singles

I can't seem to make an entry in this series without calling attention to the fact that, once upon a time, everything had its own trading card. That's been established. And when they ran outta all the normal stuff like professional athletes and summer blockbusters and popular TV shows, they'd just invent shit to turn into a collectible piece of cardboard, and a lotta the time (especially when I was a kid) I didn't totally understand the "shit". Here's 5 of the more peculiar notions ever put on paper. 

- Paul

DESERT STORM (#136) "Donating Blood" -- PRO SET

Unless you were there (like physically in Iraq) then you most likely remember the Persian Gulf Conflict as either CNN footage, or as the Pro Set Desert Storm trading cards. Everyone bought these along with every series and spinoff and subset they threw at us because they had us believing that one day they'd be major collectors' items. Now it's just a silly reminder of the early 90s in the guise of some military porn; the cards depicted key figures like Bush, Powell, Schwarzkopf, and Saddam, as well as other notable images like tanks, missiles, flags, and as part of some bottom-of-the-barrel sub series, this bag of blood here. 

BASEBALL'S GREATEST GROSSOUTS (#45) "Phil the Fly" -- Leaf

One of the most notable icons of the 'gross-out craze' that began in the 80s was Garbage Pail Kids from Topps, and in the wake of that, the sticky, gooey aesthetic began to blossom and found its way into everything - including this very similar sticker series from Leaf. Rather than taking inspiration from Cabbage Patch Dolls these went the more obvious route: Baseball, and more specifically Baseball trading cards as each player comes with a list of stats on the back - like Phil the Fly here who stands 3'9" (on webbed feet) and "buzzes around the field all day singing 'Where Have All the Flowers Gone?'".

HILDEBRANDT COLLECTOR CARDS (#4) "White Fire" -- Comic Images

Twin brothers Greg and Tim Hildebrandt were renowned Fantasy/SciFi artists who created memorable depictions of STAR WARS, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter (collaboratively and respectively). This card series solely featured the collected works of Greg (who died in October of 2024) and features his takes on everything from Peter Pan to Alice in Wonderland. I was initially drawn to these not just for the partial nudity but he also created various illustrations of Dracula, and back in '92 anything Dracula-related was on my radar (nearly as much as partial nudity). 

POP CARDZ (#35) "Christina Ricci" -- PopCardz LLC

Imagine Us Weekly but without all the discretion and credibility and you get these weak-ass unlicensed celebrity trading cards. The concept itself is not unheard of but the execution is worthy of the dollar store checkout counter - which is exactly where I bought them. The greatest mystery surrounding this series is trying to determine exactly who the target audience would be - someone who enjoys generic red carpet photography and trading cards and they're shopping on a budget. 

MARY PAPER$ Official Costume Card

Found within a pack of equally confounding cards that I bought in a comic store, it contains an actual piece of fabric worn by Mary Paper$ herself. "Who is Mary Paper$?" I hear some of you query - according to The Internet: Mary Paper$ is a straight up gangster bitch and sometime friend of the Sucklord. She is a supporting character in the ongoing ORIGINAL VILLAIN NETWORK web soap opera. There you have it, Bennett Media readers! 

How It Feels On Wednesday

EASTER TREATS!

It's that time of year again - time to sample the best and brightest junk food that retail outlets have to offer. Sure, I would say that's a year-round activity but Easter time always brings the booty in a prettier package, while also thriving in an ever-expanding diversity of options; Easter continues to be the most creative when it comes to experimental snacks. Whether good or gross it's never not fun and always puts me in the mind of Spring. 

- Paul

Dunkin' Refreshers Jelly Beans

It was no surprise they sidestepped the donut theme, though I'm mildly shocked that they also ignored the more-obvious coffee motif. Instead they went with their secret third thing: fruity iced beverages. Personally my only relationship to this drive-thru chain is literally dunking donuts so I have no frame of reference regarding "Refreshers" -- I can tell you the jelly beans are fantastic though! After the standalone Lemonade flavor the rest are crossbreeds: Peach Passion Fruit, Strawberry Dragonfruit, and Raspberry Watermelon. So if you take two at a time you're liable to get 3-4 flavors at once; I haven't determined my favorite combination yet but I'm having fun experimenting. 

Vanilla Kit Kat

Supposedly this came out last year but I've only just become aware of it -- packaging aside the concept feels kinda Springy and that's good enough for me. The reason it probably flew under my radar is because of its immediate visual similarity to the White Chocolate Kit Kats, but once you've tasted both of them... Honestly I can't tell the difference. To be fair I've not tried them side by side but either way I'm not mad - I like white chocolate, I like vanilla, just enjoy the ride. 

Red Bull Spring Edition Grapefruit & Blossom

One thing I don't particularly like is energy drinks -- I don't like the taste, I don't like the energy. But I'm always jealous because there's such a variety of names and flavors and colors that it feels like a shame to not explore, but ultimately I can't handle the inevitable jitters. So it is this very rare occasion that I've chosen to sample the devil's jet fuel - in its sleek lilac can with the word SPRING branded across it I was practically rendered helpless. And even though 'sugar-free' was the store's only option I still went for it, but I think that's what messed it up; the hint of grapefruit is there, but "blossom"? What is even that? Honestly the absence of sugar created a sense that I was consuming freshly picked flowers -- and I guess you can't get more Springtime than that so whatever.

Reese's Spring Sprinkles

I've enjoyed the volume with which they've fucked with Reese's - pretzels, potato chips, chocolate sauce, other Reese's products, sure throw it all in there, I'll try it. This "Sprinkles" one is definitely one of their least impressive outings - under a blob of chocolate and chalky peanut butter the addition barely adds any flavor, just upsetting little surprises of cement pebbles that make it impossible to regulate your chewing rhythms. I'm sure the colors are pretty, but again, they're buried in the cup so who can say? 

Peeps Rice Krispies Treats

Time for my annual tradition of buying a box of Peeps, trying one, and throwing the rest away. I suffer for my art. I'm also gonna go way out on a limb and say that one of the most identifiable (and appealing) parts of a Rice Krispie Treat is the mouthfeel. When I opened the package I immediately got the smell of the famous Kellogg's cereal squares (how'd they do that??) but the actual act of eating them is reminiscent of nothing other than some regular old Peeps. Granted they share the marshmallow component but without the label I would've never guessed that Rice Krispies were involved in this experience. I suppose I could keep the rest handy for the pleasing aroma. 

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part VIII: "Sorority House Massacre" and Chuck E. Cheese Pepperoni Pizza

The way Corman was able to be involved in hundreds of films in his lifetime is because "involved" is used very loosely. There were times when he wrote or directed a picture, but most often he financed them. Many times he'd simply contribute an idea, or a title, or a poster. Sometimes he just lent his name as clout. Many credit him for movies that were distributed by his studio. Suffice to say his presence in a lotta productions was peripheral at best. 

 

Sorority House Massacre (1986) was rumored to have Roger Corman as an uncredited Executive Producer (whatever that means). At any rate, it was produced to capitalize on the success of Slumber Party Massacre (another Corman production) and it was released under Concorde Pictures (Roger's company) so all the boxes are checked. But while this movie shares some superficial DNA with the Slumber Party movies (nightgowned girls get stabbed) everything else is entirely different. Sorority House Massacre follows college student Beth who is haunted by nightmares and flashbacks of the night her brother killed the rest of their family when she was just a little kid. And this weekend - the weekend Beth joins the sorority - her brother escapes from the mental hospital to find her and finally complete his task. And yes, once the slashing begins way late in the film it does indeed borrow heavily from the Halloween movies. But for the first two thirds this feels entirely like an Elm Street film -- but better! Freddy sorta set the standard for kitschy 1980s surrealism - usually as an indicator that he was about to appear on screen. This movie uses mood and slow motion and inserts as padding to bulk up the runtime to a robust 74 minutes, but in doing so they create an atmospheric dreamscape of striking imagery and honest-to-god gorgeous cinematography. It's always easier to get away with a "party" atmosphere, but this movie shuns that vibe as best it can, and while a move like that can place it dangerously close to becoming boring, it instead becomes creepy and suspenseful.

 

Speaking of boring... We're actually not familiar with the cuisine of Charles Entertainment Cheese - we grew up with the commercials but not close enough to any of the restaurant locations. Though it's entirely doubtful that it would've made a difference in this situation; while the in-person eatery quality probably wasn't along the lines of artisan pies, they had to be at least somewhat fresher and more full-bodied than these frozen soda crackers. One minute less and it was a flaccid disc of pizza stew, but that extra 60 seconds perfected it into the firm cardboard it was probably meant to be. Can't really judge the cheese because there was so little of it, so as usual all the responsibility falls onto the topping, and somehow the pepperoni managed to maintain a sense of vibrancy and flavor. So in the end this was merely a delivery device for some zesty meat. 

The Movie: A-

The Pizza: C-

Black Cherry

Everything's Coming Up Cherries!

When we get excited about something we look for it in everything - eventually to the point that we're convinced it is looking for us. Mother Proulx never raised such a foolish child - I'm well aware that I'm currently all hopped up on a steady diet of cherry sodas, to the point that my pupils are just little cartoon fruits. What I'm trying to say is I'm immersed in a theme and my brain insists on keeping it going, so for the sake of sanity (or lack thereof, who cares) here are 10 notable cherry-related moments from Pop Culture. 

- Paul

Twin Peaks

Whenever I'm poised to purchase a pie, the option of cherry is never on my radar - except when we're on or approaching Twin Peaks day (February 24), and only then do I seem to find its taste to be damn good. And god knows this isn't just me being weird about food again - on the long list of openly fetishized elements of this show, a powerful lust for pie doesn't feel like that much of a deep cut. And no one can sell cherry like Dale Cooper (except maybe Shelly Johnson). 

Super Mario Bros. 2

My favorite of the Super Mario games (some honor, I've only played like four of them), and the biggest reason it's my favorite is probably because of how colorful it is - from the box it comes in to the gameplay itself. My favorite shade of blue is "Super Mario 2 sky blue" and that sky is beautifully punctuated with little bunches of floating bright red cherries. When you collect 5 of them the game presents you with an invincibility star, but that was entirely immaterial - I just got the cherries because I wanted them. 

"Cherry Pie" Warrant

There are hundreds of songs that involve cherries, but when I reached up into the ether of my mind this was the first one that grazed my fingertips. But it wasn't entirely arbitrary - I would consciously nominate this as the anthem to the suggestive side of the cherry's iconography (though this song speeds right past "suggestive" into "literally" town). It appears on Warrant's album of the same name, and between the album cover and imagery in the music video, no one can argue its cherryfied status. 

Hi-Ho! Cherry-O

I'd never even heard of this board game until my son got it when he was still a toddler. To the unenlightened: you spin the dial to determine how many little plastic cherries you're to pick from the cherry tree and place in your basket - most cherries wins. Its rudimentary innocence is charming, but all the functioning parts of this game are respectively gorgeous; the illustrations on the dial and the board would suggest he received some sorta retro "throwback" anniversary edition based on the enchanting 1970s artwork with which they're adorned. And the tiny bright red cherry pieces make it like Super Mario 2 come to life! (And had I had this game as a child that's exactly what I would've used it for.) 

The Witches of Eastwick

Cherries are generally sexy -- I'm not gonna list all the ways it's just an inherent thing. But Lust is a sin no matter how tangental, and the judgement can be severe (especially if you saw this movie before the age of 5). Clearly the attraction to cherries and all that they signify isn't lost on me, but neither are the effects of this 1987 Horror Comedy in which Veronica Cartwright projectile pukes masticated cherry goo all over her living room leaving everything coated in slimy cherry pits. Sing it with me: "Tastes so good make a grown man cry! Sweet Cherry Pie!"

Gambling

Slot machines, scratch tickets, Bingo cards, any kinda game that requires universal symbols has often latched onto the familiar cherry. And I think it's because of that usage of fruit that gambling seemed that much more attractive to me when I was a child. A smoking camel never coerced me into anything, but if you're throwing colorful little cherries at me then I'm sure to bet the house. 

Seinfeld

In a Season 4 episode of the show, Elaine sprays her boyfriend/would-be-attacker Joe Davola in the face with cherry Binaca breath spray. Later in the episode his presence is identified by the smell of cherry. (Just a reminder that when I hear "cherry" this is the stuff I think of, folks.) 

McCartney - Paul McCartney

I openly celebrate this album all the time - partly because of its content, but equally because it's my favorite album cover of all time: and this is my chance to explicitly point out that it's entirely due to the cherries. Photographed by Linda, it added fuel to the fire of the infamous Death Hoax - depicting an empty bowl as an inverse to "life is a bowl of cherries". So it's got spooky subtext too!

Big

There are actually a handful of great food moments in this movie, but this bizarre, probably-ad libbed scene between Josh and Billy is less about appetizing ice cream and more about laughs. I can't imagine it on paper or even Penny finding the words to "direct it" but it was strong enough to make an appearance in most of the trailers and TV spots, just about solidifying it as an Iconic Cherry Moment. 

Max Cherry

Some of you may find this one to be a stretch. There's the door, pal. The rest of you can appreciate the fact that when I hear "Cherry" it sometimes reminds me of one of the great characters of contemporary storytelling. And this isn't a rationalization either: Cherry Bail Bonds does indeed use the red fruit as part of its business logo - because who's wouldn't? 

Life is a Bottle (or Can) of Cherry Cola

C-O-L-A Cola. What is it about the cherry and the cola that goes so well together? No other fruit, vegetable, or mineral has paired as perfectly with pop than the almighty cherry; from Grape Nehi to Lime Rickey, from Apple Slice to Baja Blast, no mainstay has crossed as many borders and touched as many brands as the cherry flavor. I'd agree that once you change the DNA of a cola that it ceases to be one; orange soda is orange soda, but cherry soda is a harmonious collaboration of two great things that go even better together!

I recently chanced upon a few cherry options with which I'd been previously unfamiliar and so I instinctually purchased them without hesitation, and while that's just business as usual for me, for some reason it triggered a predatory lust for all things "cherry"; I suddenly found I couldn't go anywhere without tracking down whatever cherry beverage options there were to be had: supermarkets, drug stores, liquor stores, gas stations, auto dealerships, funeral parlors - everywhere I went I was like "I know they got that cherry somewhere." And they usually did, and I wasn't gonna be happy until I achieved at least Type 1 Diabetes. The other goal was to find as many possible iterations that were new to me. Here are eight from my journey that are worth mentioning. 

- Paul

Pepsi Wild Cherry & Cream

This one I specifically searched for, and it was mostly to get my hands on that sweet can - to the point that I was prepared to write a whole article just on that design alone! Someone wiser than me once noted that cherries really bring out the best in graphic designers, and if you look at the lineage, the bottles and cans were always aces. (I've included three of the same here so you can absorb the entire Pop Art mural). But it ain't just a pretty picture -- dare I say it possibly surpasses the standard Wild Cherry in texture and flavor. The subtle "Cream" addition softens the standard sticky aftertaste, leaving very little room for anything to complain about. Supposedly this is here to stay, so between the artwork and the smoothness, World Peace is surely upon us. 

Ring Pop Soda Cherry

Everything about this screams "bootleg" - from the ridiculous concept to the sparse, fakey-looking label that resembles a product you'd spot in a sitcom. But no, same as the lollipop jewelry from which it derives, it's manufactured by Bazooka Candy Company. The idea of "candy flavored soda" had me fully braced for impact as I said a silent prayer for my teeth, but the flavor is actually best described as a melted cherry popsicle; it's sweet but not in an aggressively syrupy way, more like a polite "excuse me" way. So instead of being upsetting it was kinda dull. Pick your poison. 

Canada Dry Fruit Splash Cherry Ginger Ale

I've actually been knocking this back since last year but I had to include it in my binge - mostly because it's damn good. I actually like just about any flavored ginger ale except ginger ale-flavored ginger ale (it reminds me too much of being nauseous in front of a big plastic bowl) but I don't even see how they can call this "ginger ale" - this is through and through a fruit punch soda that's heavy on the cherry, and it nails both of those elements exquisitely. 

Polar Black Cherry

I always thought tacking "black" onto the front of "cherry" was some bullshit attempt at sounding cool, and for a lotta candies and bubblegums I've found that's typically been the case. But Polar takes it a lot more seriously - instead of your straightforward maraschino approach, this one leans into the sourness of a fruit that came right off the tree. If you're into that then this one is for you. 

Caruso's Maraschino Cherry Cola

This one outright promises the maraschino experience (which is generally just assumed unless otherwise noted). This one could end up as a mistrial because I didn't find it particularly fizzy, which obviously could mean I just ended up with a flat bottle. Whatever, it happens - it was still just bubbly and sweet enough to finish the whole thing, even if the predominant taste was "glass". 

Mountain Dew Game Fuel Circus Cherry

I didn't know the brand well enough to not just assume that this was their Code Red flavor, but apparently it's not - this is actually a rerelease of a Limited Edition flavor from 2014, brought back to commemorate the 20th Anniversary of World of Warcraft. I don't really know much about anything I just wrote, but I will say it's notable that Mountain Dew finally acknowledged that their target audience is not surfer Michelangelo-types who dive off cliffs, but is, in fact, gamers. And remember my fears in regards to the Ring Pop soda? Game Fuel makes them a reality!

Dr. Pepper Cherry

People have always tried to convince me that regular Dr. Pepper was technically a full-time cherry cola. And I'd tell them they were wrong with curse words. Now I simply have proof: while "cherry" is indeed one of the Dr.'s famous 23 ingredients, this is their legitimate Cherry form. Unencumbered by a "cream" or "vanilla" accompaniment, there's only one new flavor to detect, and much to my surprise it's entirely detectable; I've always argued in the past that all flavors or Dr. Pepper basically taste like the original, but this sole addition of cherry flavor actually dulls that rubbery tire tinge that always feels present to me. If they'll allow it, when I want a Dr. Pepper from now on, I'm reaching for this one.

Cherry RC Cola

This is no dream, this is really happening! (That's more about reassuring me than you.) If you're even a casual reader here you could be aware that I've been seeking this flavor for well over a decade; for some of you this beverage may be abundantly available from any local store but in my region of the country it simply doesn't exist. Or so I thought. Let's just say strings were pulled, measures were taken, and various things fell into place to lead me here. So where is "here"? Much in the way Royal Crown Cola is the distinct midpoint between Coke and Pepsi, RC Cherry is noticeably less bitter than Cherry Coke and less syrupy than Wild Cherry Pepsi... making it kinda perfect(?). Or maybe it's just the taste of Victory that's so appealing. Either way it was worth the wait and I'll enjoy it while it lasts. 

NAME THAT MOVIE!

Fly ball... Caught. The last set flew right over the radar and landed in Jacob's backyard. First come first serve, the early bird etc. Remember if you want a heads up on these or any other posts but a Blogger subscription is a little too "2004" for you then you should follow our Facebook page (which is a little more "2005"). Good luck with your video game. 

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