VALENTINE'S SNACKS!

Keeping with my attempt to make this February a little brighter than it's been in I-don't-know-how-long, I decided to go on a tasty trek of treats (say it out loud, it's fun). For a holiday that's firmly rooted in chocolate, Valentine's Day consistently offers some of the lamest novelty foods out of the whole year; sure they can make things strawberry-flavored and raspberry-flavored and heart-shaped, but they're not doing it hard enough, nor on a big enough scale. And it's such a pretty holiday too - I mean they all are, but living in a temperate zone during wintertime really makes those reds and pinks stand out, so mostly I just wanna see more of that. But instead I had to go a-roving for these snacks, and then further had to separate the treasure from the trash. Or so I'd hoped. 

- Paul

Lindt Raspberry Cheesecake Truffles

Lindt doesn't hop on a lotta holidays, but they're already kinda tailor-made to V-Day with their foil wrappers and creamy centers. And on that front, it certainly checks every box of eroticism - especially the implied flavor. I've had Lindt chocolates on these kindsa lists before and I haven't found a stark difference between any of them as yet - but honestly I don't think I've ever had actual cheesecake (I know, weird right?) so I'm not exactly equipped to compare. These are exceptionally heavy though so they'll probably last me 'till Halloween.

Haribo Berry Hearts

I've been on a wicked gummy kick lately - my body must be craving "modified corn starch" or something. I wasn't totally psyched that these were the "sugar-frosted" kinda gummies but that doesn't really get in the way too badly. There are three flavors: Strawberry, Wildberry (which just means even their tasters couldn't figure it the fuck out), and Blueberry(!). Not "Blue Raspberry" or "Malibu Punch" or some other sneaky side entrance to avoid the true blue flavor I'm always looking for: goddamn Blueberry. Do these taste like blueberries? No. Whatever, they still tried. 

Dunkin' Chocolates

Lemme just say, right off the bat, how proud I am of Dunkin' to not fold under the tremendous weight of the dumbass coffee culture they themselves helped to build, and instead took the route of the antiquated "donut". This is the company that literally dropped "Donuts" from their name, so rejoice in the absurdity! The three flavors are Boston Kreme, Red Velvet, and Brownie Batter, which are a perfectly appropriate boxed-chocolate variety, so they didn't exactly reinvent the wheel here. I don't know about tasting anything like donuts, but as chocolates they're ok. 

Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Lava Cake Hearts

Candy ain't nothin' 'less it tastes like other sweets: donuts, cake, ice cream, candy corn, candy canes - these all somehow became flavors of things they are not. "Lava Cake" will always be exciting to me because that just means it's gonna have a gooey chocolate center, and boy howdy they sure do. But they're frustratingly small so it's a very conservative portion of goo - best to pound like four of them at once. 

Little Debbie Valentine Cakes

Look, I don't know what to tell you, I'm not a fan of Little Debbie's seasonal cakes. Actually I find most of her output to be dry and tasteless and her quality can't even get close to the likes of Drake's and Hostess. (Sorry, Deb, that vacant smile will only get you so far.) Mostly I was hoping these would at least be pretty to look at, but no, these grey blobs look how they taste. Whatever, my kid loves 'em (but his favorite foods are Club Crackers and skim milk so who're you gonna believe?). 

Froot Loops Sweethearts 

Valentine's Day cereal?! Oh you are big time!! Honestly there might be something like this every year and I'm just noticing now -- and how could I not? A big teal box of Froot Loops is enough to get anyone's attention (or maybe that's just me and I'm projecting), but then upon closer inspection I realize we're observing a holiday here (and a mostly marginalized one at that) with the "Spread Love Edition" (which sounds playfully dirty and comically sterile at the same time). And like anytime a brand changes a shape or color or package, it comes with a disclaimer similar to the one on this box: "Classic Froot Loops Flavor". Typically I'd make fun of such a square warning, but there was no chance in hell I would've bought these if I thought they tasted like the Sweethearts candy. It's like going to the movies in the 21st Century: "I want exactly what I'm used to but in a different box." Sold American!