Baby Shark Macaroni and Cheese

Summer snack? Well it's not really a snack as much as it is a meal; I always see mac & cheese alongside meatloaf and pork chops as "serving suggestions" and I'm like what gluttonous hoity-toity bullshit is this? That's why Kraft invented the Kraft Dinner back in the Depression Era - it's more than a side, it's enough.

Moving on. Macaroni and Cheese (or "Mac & Cheese" if you're in a hurry) is fundamental Summer Food. It can also be like a warm hug on a snowy day. Sometimes it reminds me of those in between mild/chilly seasons. It makes me feel like a kid, and it arouses many grownup memories. What I'm ironically getting at is that this economical easy-to-prepare dish is an inherent detail of life, like sunsets or The Rolling Stones. There are some who seem to process it as "a depression meal on a budget" but its medicinal properties demand that I only ever indulge in a celebratory fashion - it's how I was raised, no kidding: when I was little and the weather was right my father would insist I eat my macaroni and cheese on the front steps of our home, promising it would be better that way. I'm not sure that it was, I was never a picnic guy, but it certainly instilled a core memory in me that activates some Pavlovian response of fun and leisure. 

Elbow macaroni is plain and conformist but that was never the rub. As soon as I discovered that Kraft offered spiral and wheel shapes in their boxed dinners I never looked back. My sister swore by these but I approached as a novelty -- turns out the further away you move from elbow pasta the closer you get to Flavortown. This is not psychological - shapes taste better. Yeah it was more fun to eat little Tommys and Chuckys and Daffys and Luigis but the shapes were so indiscernible that it only further solidifies my point that the shape of the pasta determines the flavor. Why would we have come up with over 400 varieties of pasta in the world if not? -- you gonna tell me spaghetti tastes like rigatoni? Didn't think so, smartass. I couldn't tell which Animaniac I was eating, I just knew it was tastier than the standard limp noodle. 

Nowadays it's tough to come by shapes under the Kraft label. I eventually came to terms that the Velveeta Shells were the more nuanced Mac & Cheese experience, but that's really a different animal. Occasionally I'll come across a box of Paw Patrol or more likely their generic "Unicorn Shapes" - I really don't give a shit either way. I'm sure a police dog tastes exactly like Michelangelo; they could be swastikas and probably still be better than macaroni. But then I discovered a new shape in a slightly different box. 

Nearly all brands (and there are literally thousands) of macaroni and cheese incorporate the now-traditional blue/yellow palette on their box, so peripheral blindspots can occur when you're standing before the wall of Mac at your local market. But back in 2020 I spotted Baby Shark Macaroni and Cheese at my usual Walmart, and slowly some backstory details started to become evident: immediately, a box is 50¢ while all the other shapes are $1, and that led to what should've been an otherwise obvious discovery - this was not Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, this was Nickelodeon Macaroni and Cheese. Legit Nick food! I mean if you wanna get technical, it's Viacom™ pasta, but that's got some kinda Philip K. Dick vibe (and not in the fun way). It's also exclusive to Walmart, which checks off just about every aggressively American stereotype on the form: cheap corporate poison aimed at toddlers. It's beautiful. 

A cynical, apathetic fool with a shamefully unrefined palette may ask "doesn't all boxed mac & cheese taste the same?" These people should be incarcerated or at the very least ignored. I'm here to tell you that Nickelodeon/Pinkfong Baby Shark Macaroni and Cheese are currently the best tasting shapes available to the public - if prepared correctly. First, you have to ignore the stigma of Baby Shark as a Pop Culture entity. I can remember when Barney & Friends was the big deal - not as much amongst children but with adults who openly (though I suppose playfully) would satirize the dinosaur with violence and cursing. I'm sure several recent generations have had to endure some kid-friendly phenomenon that didn't fit in with their interests, and as an actual parent during the Baby Shark craze I can say that people are typically pussies with no patience; the song's annoying but so is a lotta music and my skin is thick enough to deal with some catchy crap for a year or so. But it doesn't matter, this is about the food. 

To be honest the "sharks" are pitifully disfigured and small, and I'm an al dente person so when cooked it just amounts to a pile of chewy crumbs. So what you gotta do is make a lot - like 4-5 boxes. You can cook to your desired consistency, though I suggest using real butter and whole milk or half & half for a creamier experience. Add salt & garlic powder, garnish with a Cherry Coke and serve! 

The concept of Comfort Food doesn't just derive from making you feel lethargic and gassy, but mostly its nostalgic properties, either directly or implied, and Macaroni and Cheese is certainly the star on that Christmas Tree. I typically don't remember too many meals from throughout my life, or at least the circumstances surrounding specific dining experiences, but there are some. 

I do remember sitting outdoors at a picnic table at my cousin's house in the Summer of 1993. It was a brief lunch break amidst the Super Nintendo marathons and Super Soaker skirmishes, and my aunt made us Super Mario Kraft Dinner which as I ate I lined up tiny rubber Jurassic Park dinosaurs along the edge of the warped wooden table. Seems so unquestionably cliché when I say it aloud or write it down but if you know me or read this site regularly you know that I've always naturally embraced and consumed the culture most within reach of my life at every stage - especially in my youth. And macaroni and cheese was always there.

- Paul