The Monsters of MST3K

From The Count to Krueger, Horror's leading characters have been its black hats - the deformed evil-doers who must be defeated before our eyes to complete whatever arch they've set up for us. The truly popular ones appear in sequels and reach icon status, living on through Halloween costumes. Then there are the nameless masses that terrorize teens, military forces, and entire cities alike: nondescript creatures, poorly-realized concepts, dispassionate screen presence - these are what make up most of Horror and Science Fiction Cinema, and through the courtesy of a marooned janitor, an office temp, and the help of their robot friends, we came to know and even love some of these beasts and bogeymen that were left in the margins of movies. 

There were many - some were even too abstract to determine their function as fiends (I just don't see Torgo as a monster), but this is a list of the ones I feel could have graced the covers of Famous Monsters of Filmland or earned their own model kit. Underrated? I'd say no, but when you put 'em all together like this it's one helluva mash. Some could do magic, some limped around aimlessly, most were out for revenge. Your weapons are useless against them all.

- Paul

The Boggy Creek Creature

Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues

Bigfoot movies typically suck and it's usually because of the monkey suit. But this creature (and the little creature) is pretty effective, despite its resemblance to Cher. 

Trumpy's Mother

Pod People

There's nothing inviting about the dead, expressionless faces of these aliens, and the malevolent matriarch of this weak invasion dispenses her vengeance with an apathy that matches her lifeless eyes. 

The Hobgoblins

Hobgoblins

Their true evil is just a cautionary "be careful what you wish for" type-deal, but when provoked they're ready to throw down in some hand-to-hand puppet combat.

The Creeping Terror

The Creeping Terror

Rarely is a title character so aptly named - it is what it is I guess: some kinda hapless slow-moving blob with an indeterminate texture. Those're the most believable kinds of aliens. 

Dr. Leopold

Blood Waters of Dr. Z

Ok, so he doesn't exactly look like a catfish, but it's still a pretty drastic transformation into a unique and recognizable creature. Plus, the powers of a catfish!

Frank Douglas

Monster a Go-Go

Is it really Frank, or an alien in his place? I'm not here to figure out what the hell this movie's about - I'm just here for the giant Lurch-lookin' motherfucker that saunters around the woods in search of people to slowly assault.  

The Toy Monkey

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

This toy seemed to become synonymous with evil in the world of popular culture, and this sorta Grim Reaper variant is effectively simple (unlike certain other "creepy dolls"). 

Lucinda Strickland

The Touch of Satan

In terms of looks and ferocity, Grandma Dried Apple Head would easily be terrifying in a movie that's paced a little more efficiently.

Steve West

The Incredible Melting Man

I suppose he's already kind of a famous monster, but that doesn't excuse him from this best-of list - mostly because I wanna see a fully dedicated cosplay with full melting action. Not for myself, but I encourage others to embark.

Paul Carlson

Track of the Moon Beast

He basically already looks like the quality of masks being offered through Starlog around that time - sorta the perfect movie monster bridge between the 60s and the 80s. 

SPIRIT HALLOWEEN: A little somethin' to nosh

It still stinks. I confidently made a detailed proclamation some time ago about the weaknesses of the otherwise popular seasonal retail outlet known as Spirit Halloween. These weaknesses (itemized here) remain front & center, but that's not what this is about. It's about this...

Actually, for the time being, everything is about this, because this is everything. I can't imagine I have to explain too much about what you're looking at; typically I would just bury something like this on Instagram and we could get on with our pathetic lives. Except this deserves entirely more appreciation - particularly from me; so rarely do we find objects that beg us to believe "They made this just for me!"

I can't exactly call it obscure - it's a straightforward reference to an extremely popular movie that appears to grow in admiration with each passing year. But of all the striking imagery throughout the film, I'm so pleased they chose to represent this sorta throwaway scene that doesn't really feature any real characters or quotes you'd find on a t-shirt. And I love it not because of its lack of recognition or anything like that - it's because of the Zagnut candy bar. 

As a kid it was tough to determine exactly what he was holding because Zagnuts were unfamiliar to me and not available in my part of the globe. It wasn't until my 20s when I stumbled upon them in some sorta candy emporium with a selection of obscurities, and suddenly the world got good. Then I tried one, and it got even better.

Made by Hershey, a Zagnut is just "crunchy peanut butter and coconut" pressed firmly into the shape of a candy bar. They have a particleboard texture and they crumble like horsehair plaster when you eat them, but God help me they're my favorite -- their scarcity and cultural significance amplifies the experience, but I love them with or without the window-dressing. Sure it works as a top shelf Beetlejuice toy, but for me it's a well-crafted monument to my preferred confection and the exact moment in time that I became aware of it. 

Spirit's license for Beetlejuice has been entirely beneficial; lotta dumb stuff aside, there are some beautifully-made masks and decor that seems to be getting more involved and esoteric with each passing year. I'm also fully aroused simply by the idea that Miss Argentina has been promoted as a recognizable representative, and the results have been an overwhelmingly (and accurately) turquoise delight.

But this was acquired without question or pause. Its actual function is a candy dish - the whole thing is roughly 5 inches tall and the "dish" is about half an inch deep, which acts in the service of nothing; even your basic Halloween fun size bars can't really find a home here. But it doesn't matter; the only thing that truly belongs in the bowl is fun size Zagnuts - and good luck finding those. In the meantime, it's a pretty nice fuckin' model.

- Paul

STATIC SHOTS

Paul's TOP 20 HORROR MOVIE CRUSHES

Scream Queens. Final Girls. Whether they're a casualty or a crusader doesn't really play a part in what piques my interest; I look at this list of women and I find I'm unable to compartmentalize what they bring to this otherwise rudimentary genre. In other words, most of them are too complex (or their situation is such) to assign them one of these antiquated story functions; these are characters that managed to exist beyond the "plot" in one way or another - enough to believe that maybe, I dunno, we could hang out maybe(?). If you survive, I mean... 

- Paul

Lisa Webber

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

It's one thing to accept the terms of being "just friends," but to embrace that to the point of braving the depths of hell and fighting the devil himself to preserve that friendship is a relationship goal everyone should strive for. 

Kimberly

Brainscan

Sometimes you need to ease off the Fangos and serial killing and simply notice the literal girl next door who's clearly showing interest and concern for your whole deal. Fucking gamers. 

Harley David

Halloween II

Never mind the white horse and psychic powers and the unkillable giant - the least believable thing in the movie is that anyone could ever be as ridiculously cool (and hot) as she. 

Mary

Cannibal Apocalypse 

Whenever you're overwhelmed with suppressing the cannibalistic urges you contracted as a POW in Vietnam, try to find someone who looks at you the way Cinzia De Carolis looks at John Saxon.  

The Demon

The Unholy

I'm not saying she makes the entire movie, but were it not bookended by this sinister seductress of Satan I don't think I'd revisit it quite as much. 

Jezzie

Jacob's Ladder

I'm gonna have a crush on Elizabeth Peña in anything, but Jezzie works so hard at maintaining compassion in the face of madness that anyone with that kind of staying power must be a figment of your drug-fueled imagination. 

Gretel

Gretel & Hansel 

The thing with this is that Hansel reminds me of my son, so anytime I watch it there's this anxiety regarding his safety, and because his big sister is his hero, she intuitively becomes my hero.

Mary Shelley

The Bride of Frankenstein

As "The Bride" she has a dedicated following, and I get that - I'm big on the whole goth thing too. But she clearly never needed the whole getup; some chicks are prettier pre-reanimation. 

Helen Foley

Twilight Zone: The Movie

The most intriguing thing about this version of the story is her character; she seemingly kills the monster with kindness, but then it's strongly implied through dialogue and performance that there's some weird naughtiness to her that suggests an even more interesting continuation. 

Sarah Bailey

The Craft

It's kinda like picking a favorite Beatle - and your choice could potentially reveal something about who you are; because yeah, when I was younger I could've been more of a Fairuza man, but with maturity you tend to gravitate more towards sanity and security. 

Jaime

Little Witches

Of course, there are some days when we want a little slutty madness in our naughty necromancers.

Heather Donahue

The Blair Witch Project

The "High School me" still echoes that passion for the potty-mouthed extroverted film student who's clearly down for whatever life (or death) throws at her.

Jean

American Psycho

Despite her passiveness, gullibility, and ignorance of famous serial killers, she has a sweet innocence that could easily be nurtured by someone who isn't quite so misogynistic.

Yara

It Follows

I always tend to pay more attention to "the friend" than the lead, but that's not really any surprise here - in a very short amount of screen time the movie begs us to notice her, and I'm very happy to oblige.

Allison

Vamp

It's hard to find a ray of sunshine anywhere in this genre, and so few characters are as brave and optimistic in the face of vampires and albino street toughs as Dedee Pfeiffer. 

Meg Penny

The Blob

A cheerleader-turned-urban commando setup could easily be played for laughs, but Shawnee sells it hard enough to be totally convincing as an (under appreciated) Action Hero.

Catherine Martin

The Silence of the Lambs

Maybe it's my hero complex kicking in, but even though she's clearly smart enough and strong enough to turn the tables, that initial lotion scene sends me fantasies of jumping in there and bringing her home to her mom.

Lisa Snipes

Curse II: The Bite

How to pick a single Jill Schoelen role? Hot, sweaty desert locale, literal animalistic urges, lotsa biting and phallic snake imagery, an actual mud wrestling climax. This'll do.

Tina

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

Sorry to be so pre-diddly-ictable but she belongs nowhere else if not here. Jason's dead, and this lady just wants to fuck her boyfriend for days without any fear of reprisal (or gardening shears). That makes her the most relatable character in all of Cinema.

The Women of Tenebrae

It's just the Italian Seasoning version of the Spice Girls - I defy you to pick just one. But why bother - I didn't. Apparently Rome is tougher than Twin Peaks when it comes to singling out your favorite Signora. 

Bennett Media's HEAVY METAL HALLOWEEN

Are we happy Summer's over? Fuck, no! Are we gonna find a way to make the best of it anyway? Fuck, probably! 

When things get bad, we get bad right back; Fall is the B-side to Summer, and this year it's a rocker. So for the next 7 headbangin' weeks it's gonna be a pus-squirting preamble to Bennett Media's HEAVY METAL HALLOWEEN -- our raunchy response to our unfortunate Summertime Sadness. 

We have a few things planned, but we know better than to dig in too deep; it takes a lot less effort to summon a spirit than to raise a corpse. With that, we've tuned our weapons and are fully prepared to ride the lightning and blow books off shelves from 20 feet away. There'll be lists and movies and lists about movies; candy and music and boobs and booze (and booooos), but with more guitar shreds and ripped denim than our usual offerings. 

Pack up your pumpkin spice and crack open a Coors, because sacrifice is going on tonight. 

ONE BAD SUMMER: Whatever it is, whatever it was

"The Crickets felt it was their duty to warn everybody that summertime cannot last forever. Even on the most beautiful days in the whole year - the days when summer is changing into autumn - the crickets spread the rumor of sadness and change."

- E.B. White

"You got the peaches, I got the cream.

Sweet to taste, saccharine."

- Def Leppard

Was it really that bad? We didn't court misfortune, but we could smell it on the more humid days. The trick is to not let it consume you; just pack an umbrella and some acetaminophen and go about your leisure. And that proved to be adequate; whenever the pain set in, it wasn't anything a little sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll couldn't clear up in a day. 

A handful of the grim horrors that haunted our apprehension predictably came to fruition in the chosen form and we absorbed them like The Blob and kept watching the shows and eating the snacks. And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make, and we stayed on track with chronicling all the crimes and carnality that were fit to print; we stayed true to the Starter Pack and not surprisingly we found a lot more to occupy our hearts and minds - for better or worse. 

And that's what I've got here: The Good, The Bad, and The Summer; the ins and outs of the highs and lows; the cherries and the pits, categorized in a (hopefully) comprehensible way to give you a better sense of The Beast that both gaveth and tooketh away. 

Let's start this thing off on the wrong foot...

Obi-Wan Kenobi

(That's bad...)

What a silly waste of resources. That's the thing with STAR WARS: it has endless potential and a bottomless budget, and I saw none of that on the screen. The story they came up with was an excellent foundation, they just forgot to build anything upon it. We're going to end up with a finite amount of James Earl Jones as Vader, so this kinda material deserves more finesse. (And more Vader.)

Stranger Things 4

(That's good!)

Eddie Munson. Kate Bush. Vecna. Who could've predicted these as buzzwords of the Summer of '22? See, this is what it looks like when production value is firmly rooted in compelling storytelling and there's a vivid distinction in the contrast between "fan service" and loyalty rewards. Considerably less lazy & predictable than all previous seasons, it's become an Altman-esque mosaic - structurally and thematically - of all the nostalgia it draws from, as well as its own nostalgia it has created. 

Thunder only happens when it's raining

(That's bad...)

This was a Summer Of No Rain. A literal "drought disaster." Typically I want as many sunny days as possible throughout the season, but the plant life and the ecosystem as a whole isn't really beach-body material this year - actually it's continually on fire. On a smaller scale, we haven't had a single decent thunderstorm, and I need a handful of storms to keep the fear of wind and electrocution alive in me.

The heat! My God, the heat!

(That's good!)

2022 is on its way to rank as one of the 10 hottest years on record. And as long as that's not part of a continuing trend of some pending cataclysmic doom, I feel no guilt in having enjoyed the shit out of it. I am physically, emotionally, sexually, creatively, and spiritually at my best around the 100°F mark - my zen zone is so impenetrable that I've become entirely unaffected by the wimpy whines of those who sweat when the heat is on.

Jurassic Park, Super Nintendo

(That's bad...)

My son got some video games for his 4th birthday in June - ones that were both compatible to his interests and our gaming system. Pertinent to his love of the '93 film, this was an obvious choice, and not surprisingly, it didn't immediately have the tone or excitement of the movie. I'm not really a game critic so I'm not inclined to put in the effort - we played it a coupla times and maybe it picks up at some point, but it's pretty crude for its time and subject matter. 

Animaniacs, Super Nintendo

(That's good!)

Now here's a Spielberg production we can get behind! Firstly it looks exactly like the goddamn cartoon which really helps to make the connection, but the gameplay is smooth, fast-paced, easy to understand - perfect for a child. Also like the show, it manages to slip in dozens of blatant pop culture references that fall outside the boundaries of Warner Bros. (and sister).

Bye-bye Beakman

(That's bad...)

Last Summer I discovered Beakman's World was on Tubi, so I stocked up on the Golden Grahams and consumed this entire vibe every Saturday morning for the entire season. This year I blindly bought a Family Size 18.9 oz. box of the cereal in anticipation of recreating this intermittently ongoing tradition - only to discover, predictably, that the streaming service had "dropped" the show. I've been chasing this program for decades - a channel will pick it up for a minute and then one week there'll be something else in its time slot. My assessment is that these media corporations don't want kids learning about Science; apparently Magilla Gorilla is as comfortable as they get with the evolutionary chain.

Freddy's Nightmares

(That's good!)

God doesn't close a door without opening a window - to hell! I'd seen a handful of episodes through bootlegs and other shady outlets, but thanks to Tubi, the entire 2-season run is up for grabs (and for free). Lotta newcomers got bitchy because it wasn't anything like they thought it was. Based on the few I already knew, I got what I wanted and much much more; Freddy actually is the antagonist in several episodes and it's a thrill when he is, but when he isn't, the show is a moody, meandering low-budget stream of consciousness that never manages to grasp a cohesive thread within its allotted time. And that's the other thing: they're hour-long episodes, padded out with story fragments and clumsy left turns - like an actual nightmare. The tone and production is wholly similar to the likes of Tales From the Darkside and Monsters - but those are for Autumn, and Freddy's forever my summer girl. Impeccable timing.

This, our town of Halloween

(That's bad...)

It gets worse every year. You can sense the impatience once the "Back to School" sales begin on July 1st; this obnoxious, superficial fetish for colder weather and pumpkin-whatever is clearly at the root of this retail fiasco that haunts my reverie every year. Halloween's my favorite holiday too, but Summer's my favorite season, and I sit around for nine months with my hands down my pants waiting for its fruit, and you wanna piss it away because you like spider webs - well fine, accelerate the passage of time to your liking -- you'll die an early death. Is that spooky enough for you??

MONSTER MANIA 50

(That's good!)

For the rest of us three-dimensional people, we don't need your Hallmark hoopla to bask in the best part of October: Horror Movies! (And whatever merchandise they have to offer.) Per semi-usual we braved the 5-hour drive to Cherry Hill, New Jersey to attend the best Horror Convention in the Northeastern United States to get the shit and share it with you. This is our Disney Vacation - not because we're 100% that family, we're just more readily responsive to any event that offers Point Break posters, Ted Bundy t-shirts, and bootleg DVDs of Virgin High. 

The agonizing pain in which I live every day

(That's bad...)

Financial woes. Deteriorating health. Domestic conflict. Home and automotive disrepair. The darkness of the past. The uncertainty of the future. Day jobs. Night terrors. Shower thoughts. All the stuff we leave off the table that accumulates enough to make any season "Bad." It's just that it's all so much more punctuated in the Summer - it's unfair that anything should corrupt this most sacred observance. Mood killers. Cock blocks. The blanket feels that much more wet. Save this shit for the Winter months however you can. 

Dreamworld Coca-Cola

(That's good!)

Oh, what a joy. What a blessing. Just as everyone seems to be cleaning up and putting away the pool toys, this lightning crashed down upon my fuckin' head! Considerably better than the Starlight flavor from earlier this year, it appears to be a repackaging of their finger-licking Georgia Peach formula from 2018... And what a package! These bottles & cans are putting me in the mood for hand-clapping - they're like 5 inches away from the box art for Super Mario Bros. 2. I'm also just so tickled by this idea of flavors based on abstractions; not even Kool-Aid ever came up with flavor labels this cerebral, and I commend Coke for keeping it real when we needed it most. Take that, "mystery" Mountain Dews. 

- Paul