We're Going On A Treasure Hunt!

Have you ever stumbled across a pile of gold coins - maybe with some jewelry and precious stones mixed in for color accents? How about genie lamps or crowns & scepters? Magic cups or fancy swords? I never see any of this stuff outside of fiction -- worse still, I've never even seen a map to find the stuff, which is a whole level of foreplay I'd totally be down to participate in. Alas, my lifelong quest of obtaining any of these riches for myself looks pretty grim - which will always make me want them more. Throughout my life (more accurately throughout my youth) images of sparkly valuables were one of my reasons for living, and while I've still yet to swim in a pool of U.S. currency like Scrooge McDuck, I can always revisit these prizes via whatever medium they live in - because unfortunately that's where they'll stay. 

- Paul

Romancing the Stone

I'd known diamonds, and I'd known rubies, but this flick gave me all kindsa new funny feelings about emeralds. For a title character, it doesn't get nearly enough screen time. 

Married... With Children

"Route 666"

The Bundys and the D'Arcys are duped into buying a fool's goldmine. I totally didn't care that it was fake - I just wanted the shiny rocks. 

Looney Tunes

"Golden Yeggs"

Cartoon eggs are a thing of beauty - the shape and shading and soft smooth texture is almost more appealing than real life. Add that perfect shade of yellow/orange and some sparkle animation and I'd hold a gun to Daffy's head too.

Help!

I'm something of a ring-wearer myself, but I couldn't pull this off as well as one Richard Starkey could. Which is too bad - I just want the opportunity to stare at it all day. 

The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past

This whole goddamn franchise is about treasure chests full of polished trinkets, but the Moon Pearl - a pristine magical orb of immense power - is my choice for the most elusive, the most rewarding, and the most attractive. 

A Fish Called Wanda

When I was quite young, this movie was a Comedy second, but it was a heist movie first; all I wanted was a handgun with a silencer, a crossbow, and some tissue paper full of diamonds. 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer 

A lotta great music in this TV special, but "Silver and Gold" was like my anthem. The lyrics reference Christmas decor, but the squirrels are playing with honest-to-god solid gold - so that's what the song's really about. 

The Three Stooges

"Cash and Carry"

The boys believe they've discovered a literal goldmine - which actually ends up being a U.S. Treasury. Even in black and white, the sleek gold bars were something I had to have.

DuckTales

Between the comic books and this Disney Afternoon series, wherever Uncle Scrooge was, there was sure to be a bounty of exotic cartoon booty. But my money goes to the "Lucky Dime" - largely because I could actually get my hands on physical dimes and pretend they were, in fact, lucky.

The Goonies

The whole point of the movie (for me) is the pirate treasure - and it's some of the best treasure put on film this side of the Sierra Madre. But the real money shot will always be that handful of glistening jewels that ultimately saves The Goon Docks. 

Fireball Island

This Milton Bradley board game launched in 1986 came with an exciting ad campaign featuring a big budget TV commercial that was better than most Cannon films. In it, they efficiently depict the simple objective of the game: dodging "fireballs" long enough to obtain the "treasure" - a plastic red jewel.

Upon seeing the commercial, I asked my mother to buy me the game. Her response was somewhere along the lines of "Absolutely not. I know why you want this thing, and I'm not spending a fortune on a tiny friggin' piece of plastic." She was never easily fooled. 

NAME THAT MOVIE!

How's your Summer? Bad enough for ya? Well this'll make it better, or worse - whatever kinda mood you're in this week. 

Jacob pretty much nailed the last set (those "difficult" frames don't fuck around). This one feels pretty breezy - but who knows? There are a few generous gifts, but others may actually get you to stop and think about movies - god forbid.

Hope the season's treating you well. If not, oh well.

Take this stiff, and pound it up your fuckin' ass.

EASY

FAIR

DIFFICULT

Swamps of Paris

The Barnes & Noble Criterion Sale

As a kid, a "sale" was something that Moms supposedly got excited about. I don't particularly ever remember My Mom ever giving a shit -- but growing up sorta lower-middle class taught me all kindsa frugality and it's carried me all the way into my menacing middle age. So when they decide to throw us poor slobs a bone, I'll roll over and play consumer, sure. 

I cannot for the life of me remember exactly when or where I was first enlightened to The Criterion Collection - y'know, that "continuing series of important classic and contemporary films" that seemed to really take off once DVDs became a commodity - an era that coincided with my film school days. So, between possible word-of-mouth and just actually physically shopping for home video on a consistent basis, I very quickly became wise to these significant pinnacles of Cinema, beautifully packaged in (sometimes) aesthetically appropriate artwork accompanied by (sometimes) an equally appropriate font. One thing was obvious: these boxes (and movies) looked way sexier than the New Line snap cases they were feeding us since the inception of the format; that + an extensive library of what were then obscure titles were very attractive to young Film people. And in a very short time I amassed all the mainstream Godard, Truffaut, Fellini, Kurosawa, and whatever else my textbooks guilted me into seeing, and I built a beautiful library of the best of the best. And boy was I bored.

I think there were two things going on: I wasn't at the right age for most of it - more specifically, my mood was far away from French New Wave, Italian Neorealism, and/or Japanese Jidaigeki; I was seeking something they weren't offering, and 2. the whole "homework" vibe of obligated viewing can all but ruin your movie night - whether you legitimately like the picture or not. But over the years as my interest in modern movies waned and I sought out older, potentially better stuff, I slowly got back in the pool. And then the sale began.

I'm not sure what year it started or if I was even aware when it did, but once I caught on, I was and still am so bemused and delighted that a major retail outlet offers a sale on a specific and esoteric video distribution company's entire catalog. It's hard to define it, but there's a whole feeling of "we know you want these & we know how goddamn overpriced they are, so we're gonna cut you a break... today..."

Even after all this time, it's still a struggle and a gamble to blind buy the wealth of fine art they offer -- like a lot of you, I'm still in the state of mind where I'm like, "I hope this movie that I already know and love and own gets the Criterion upgrade." That virginal lust and wonderment that ignited my fascination with this label has petered out into a lame contest to see if my favorite movies get inducted into this flawed Hall of Fame. And why not - the past few years they've put out a lotta mainstream clunkers and modern mediocrity, and so I've entirely ignored the last several sales. 

Even with this month's sale, I upgraded two movies (Last Temptation, The Player) and bought one I'd already seen a dozen times (I Wanna Hold Your Hand). Added to that, it's been so long since I've indulged in this swindle that the B&N nearest to me has since closed - and so I had to travel to another state to physically shop in a physical store for physical goods... Because that's really the point of this thing; the sale exists online (and they're consistently cheaper on Amazon year round), but it's never been about that. Going out and nonverbally mingling with the other chumps seeking a cheap thrill presents that sense of community that social media does in an artificial way. But way more than that - going out and seeing these treasures with my own eyes, displayed before me in their beautiful packaging of (sometimes) aesthetically appropriate artwork with their (sometimes) equally appropriate fonts is like being a kid in some kind of a store.

The truly dorky can fantasize that they're being featured on the Criterion Closet series and pontificate upon all their pretentious picks -- personally I'm most interested in seeing what other people pick out; you ever peek at other folks' carts at the grocery store and think, "Ew, that's gross, I'd never eat that," or, "Huh, that looks good, I should try that." In a time when personality traits are based on just about everything except the content of our character, "Criterion" is a studiously-named handle for how I choose to judge you.

- Paul

STATIC SHOTS

Batman Forever (1995)

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